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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
doug42

i think she if feeling guilty

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doug42   

hi, my name is doug...i lost my girlfriend in feb..2004..it was a sudden loss, i never got to say good-by, or i love you..when she died i went to every group and read alot of books to try and deal with everything..i thought that i would be alone for ever and that is something that i did not want..about a year and a half ago, i met a wonderful woman who was widowed in june 2005..we instantly felt a connection, we were in love .everything was so easy for us..we used to say that our spouses set us up..she is my gift from heven for sure..about 6 weeks ago she started to get quiet and withdrawn. i asked if everything was ok and she would say yes, dont worry about us, we are ok..a few days later she called me and sayed that it was not going to work, its over..i pressed more and she told me she missed her husband..i felt so bad..she said that she just wanted to be left alone for a while, and she would call me..i am feeling so bad for not seeing it sooner. i thought that i new everything about grief, i guess that i did not. she is not one to express her feelings like i do, i think that she is grieving for her husband, i totally understand. i guess i feel a little hurt that she did not come to me..i have been going to a widowers group that last few weeks and all of the woman say that she might be feeling guilty.. she watched her husband die for 2 years, and had to keep it togeather for her wonderful son..i think about her every minute, her whole family has shown me so much love, i miss them so much..we were planning on growing old togeather..i love her to much so i am letting her have her time alone but its so hard not to pick up the phone and call her..i miss telling her i love her and the way she loved me..is this common, can someone give me some insight..i cant give up on us..i wont..i just feel so bad..i know that everyone grievs in thier own way..i just keep praying for her every day..i just wish that i could be there for her..i love her so much..

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aurora   

Doug, she may have had a rebound reaction. She may have gone into the relationship with you before she was ready. Give her some time and space. She will come back if she loves you. She probably has to work through some things in her head. Subconciously she may have been comparing you with her late husband, or maybe as you say she feels guilt, or perhaps she realized she jumped into your relationship too soon.

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Doug, I don;t want to jump the gun and say speculate that she entered the relationship too soon...  but I do believe guilt is part of what is happening to her.  Send her a card and some flowers, something sweet and compassionate, and let her know you'll give her all the space she needs, but that you care very much and will be there for her...  if that's how you feel.  maybe she's afraid if she commits, she will suffer loss again..  Many emotions can jumble us up sometimes, as you well know...  I hope it all works out for you.  Maybe in time she will discover that she found the right guy...  she just needed to sort out some of those delayed grief feelings...  Best to you both, Claudia

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doug42   

thank you for your relpy...she (theresa) told me that she loved me , this is why its so hard to do this...i love this woman with all of my heart and soul, her son and her family..i am scared to even contact her..i am afraid that i will make her upset..its so hard for me..i feel like i am going through another loss..i love her to much..i have to step back ..its been 5 weeks going on 6..i have to drive by her work everyday and i see her car..i feel so bad for her..i have bought so many cards that i want to send her and i write letters to her every night, but i cant send them yet..i respect everything about her and she made it clear that she needed to be alone..i pray for her/us to work it out..i know she was as happy as i was..we allways said that our relationship was so easy..i thought about going to see her dad, i love him too..i am so glad to have found this site and thank you for being here for me...doug

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Doug, I agree that her father may help with insight, however I would tread carefully as not to give Theresa the impression that you are usurping by going up the chain, so to speak.  It really is hard to guess how she may react.  I would package up the cards you wrote to her and send them anyway.  She just said she wanted to be alone.  She didn't exactly say don't send cards or flowers, right?  I know you are scared.  But at this point what do you have to lose?  You stand everything to gain.  Hold on with hope and stay the course until your heart tells you it's not worth the battle.  Respectfully, Claudia

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Hi Doug

I lost my son in December, he was 15. I also met someone at the hosptial whose partner died. Bizarrely we fell totally in love.  I suppose it's comfort in a difficult situation. He was my security blanket and i adore him completely.  I know he loved his partner but he told me the relationship was difficult and they had been on the verge of splitting up.  we spent a lot of time together because we understood how each other felt and for about 3 months we both felt that our deceased loved ones had made sure we found each other.  He completely got inside my head and he also has a young daughter who i love dearly.  However he too did the withdrawal thing and kept saying he couldn't have a relationship with me anymore but we remained close and in daily contact. We still had a physical relationship up until very recently but it was always accompanied by guilt on his part.  He's suffering and i can't reach him, he also has PTSD from previous war experiences and this has come back with a vengeance.  I feel that losing him is like having to lose my son all over again the the pain is unbearable.  I understand that it's really my son i've lost and want back but i can't get this man out of my head.  I'm just trying being a friend and being patient with him, in the hope that he will feel ready and able to ressume our relationship again.  Everyone tells me to leave him alone and i'm wasting my time but i just can;t let him go.  I know exactly how you feel. It's so tough when you miss people, dead or alive.  But be patient with your girl - give her the space she's asked for but just let her know you'll always be there for her and good luck x

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aurora   

ryansmum, please be careful in your new relationship. I jumped into one a year after my husband died and it was way too soon. I wound up being further traumatized and it added to my PTSD from my husband's suicide. Having a relationship with somebody that has PTSD from anything is hard. There is a lot of emotional baggage that goes along with all the good unless they've had therapy. Good luck and God Bless!

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aurora,  I'm so sure you're right, it is traumatising me further.  I hadn't had a relationship for 8 years and it blindsided me a bit.  I am trying really hard to cut him out of my life but it's hard.  As for baggage, well i think it would fill an aircraft hangar.  He has had counselling via the Services originally and is looking for more but has currently fallen into a bottle.  xxxx

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aurora   

ryansmum, ooooh lots of red flags. Please try to see it with your head and not your heart. In grief that is extremely hard to do. I just want to spare you further hurt:(. Perhaps things will work out. Just please be careful. Thinking of you. Aurora

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kelly   

Dear Members,

We are excited to mention that we are moving to a more new and improved message boards on MONDAY MORNING AUGUST 9th! The boards will be done for a few hours while we are making the conversation. Remember we posted information about this move a month ago. For some of you this might seem a bit sudden,  but when we were reviewing the site we determined the current message board you are using is out of date and the company that designed it is no longer in existence. The good news is this new message board will have new features that have been requested in the past like more fields we can add to your profiles and a chat room up to 20 people at one time. If we find the chat room is bursting at the seams we will add additional room for extra people. All your old posts, private messages and such will be migrated to the new message board. You might have to put up your profile picture again but not sure. The new company will be doing the migration for us. Here is a short list of some of the new features on the board:

- Custom Profile Fields

- Users can customize their profile pages by selecting a background color or background image, with tiling options.

- Facebook and Twitter Integration

- users can respond to multiple posts at once with "mini-quote"

- Pinned discussion threads - like welcome to our board etc.

- Announcements made across some boards or the entire message board

- Search: Users can easily find all content generated by a particular member, by clicking the 'Find Content' button that appears on the main profile page, or in the Mini Profile Popup which can be accessed throughout the board. The results page allows content to be filtered by application, as well whether the member created it or merely participated in it.

- Privacy: allows users to sign in anonymously, hiding them from the online users list. Users also have the option to disable personal conversations and user-to-user emails, as well as ignore other users if necessary.

The next exciting piece of news about the new message board is it will have a new domain name of www.grieving.com for search engine optimization purposes. It will still be apart of Beyond Indigo and can be found through www.beyondindigo.com. We will be redirecting your current URL's to this new domain name but we might miss a few. If that is the case simply go back to www.grieving.com or www.beyondindigo.com to find your message board thread. We will try to make the transition as seamless as possible.

The bottom line is the new board will give us room to grow our community and more options to interact better with each other.

If you have any questions please direct them to feedback@beyondindigo.com.

Kelly Baltzell, MA

CEO/President

Beyond Indigo Family

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