The loss of both my children

[debi149]

I lost my daughter eight years ago and she left behind two sons now fourteen and fifteen - I lost my son a month ago and he left behind a son one and a daughter six - My sons wife passed away 6 weeks after giving birth to her son - I'm am now the care giving to all four children - I miss my babies so much and am not sure how to cope - I'm so depressed all the time and my husband don't get it - It tells me I'm looking for a pitty party - What the hell does that mean or he'll tell me "you act like you are the only one this has ever happened to" - He is not the father of my two children nor has any children of his own - I just feel so alone -

[Mom of Chip]

Debi...I cannot imagine your pain in losing 2 children..I only lost one child 8 months ago, and there are days I can hardly function. I believe you need to get your self to a grief counselor ASAP....

As for as your husband's attitude..he has no idea what pain you are feeling. People who have never experienced the loss of a child..just don't get it. If you could get him to go to counseling with you, maybe he can begin to understand or at least show more compassion for you.

AND post in the LOSS OF AN ADULT CHILD thread...There are many there who post their feelings every day...Some have lost 2 children and there are some who are caring for grandchildren. Reading how they are managing and coping can help you.

My heart goes out to you...I truly hope you can begin to heal and live what we call 'a new normal'.

[BreathofAngel]

Debi dearheart,

I am so very sorry for the physical loss of your children. There are truly no words that can bring true comfort in times like these. And coupled by what you say about not receiving compassion from your spouse can certainly complicate matters even further. It could be that since you say your husband does not have children of his own he cannot feel what a dad would feel because they are not his own flesh and blood. His comment was perhaps done to try to make you feel stronger however, that was not the way to go about it, imho.

Please know that at times like these it is very important to have someone to talk to. You need to air things out and come to an understanding about the situation. Do you have a good relationship with your husband's folks that you could speak to them about this? Perhaps they, being family, could help him understand what he appears not to about the situation. Local clergy and hotlines are also in most cities to help in matters such as these where things need to be ironed out so that families can stick together and be able to understand one another when the going gets rough.

I will be praying for you and for the children that you lost as well as the ones you currently care for. Please don't feel overwhelmed as many times we all must go through certain processes in life as well as sacrifices that are sent our way and there is no other way but to "grab the bull by the horns", so to speak, and tackle the matter as best we can without upsetting ourselves in the process because it is not worth it for your overall well-being. The children obviously need you as they are still young and if they see that there is any type of questionable concern or anger about their being there or they being the cause of things, because they may not fully understand what is going on from a child's point of view, then it can only serve to upset them to a point that they may feel they are not wanted or are a burden being in the household. That must not be allowed to happen. So, if you sense that may be the case a good talk with them may also be warranted so that they will understand the situation.

It would be wonderful if your spouse would be receptive to a good heart-to-heart talk about the matter where you can calmly speak to him about your concerns as you are feeling them and with him simply listening and trying to understand the situation. After all, you are married, therefore, partners in life, and partners are there "for better or for worse" so, he may need some 'nudging' to remind him of that fact and so he can hopefully bring a better understanding with added compassion to the situation. Men many times do not sense or feel what women do in situations such as this and may tend to be less compassionate, caring, or understanding as a consequence. It is when someone finally drives the point home in a way that they can see the hurt they are causing the family that they may finally snap out of it and "wake up and smell the coffee!" I hope he is able to do that and that next time you can report that things are getting better for all concerned!

My prayers are with you and please know that with the will to change, it CAN certainly happen to anyone! May God bless you always and your children in all ways, dearheart! (((((Hugs))))) to you! Please know that we are here to talk to you anytime you feel the need!

[tayl232]

Dear Debi Dearheart,

I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious children. I can hear and feel your pain. I also lost my daughter 5 and 1/2 years ago. Nothing I can say will ease your burden from your losses. I am still numb from her death. Some say it gets better with time but it doesn't get better you just learn to live with the hurt.

I usually just read but don't respond to people however, I too, am raising my daughter's child. My granddaughter was three and a half when my daughter passed away. There was violence involved in my daughters death in which my granddaughter witnessed. She would wake up at least 3-4 times a night crying hysterically. It was extremely hard to comfort when I was also in need of comfort. She and I were very angry for the longest time at what life threw at us. I didn't think we would ever get through it. The very one that was so abusive, biological father, we could not find, then would not sign over his rights. Court, court costs etc. To make a long story short. We just loved each other, relied on each other, she will never replace my lost daughter but taking care of her has given me something to live for. There are times when I am frustrated because I have put in 26 years at my employment, many others my age are, doing other things, things I was so looking forward to when I got my age, however, life threw me a curve ball that changed everything. Not by my choice, but I have stepped up to the plate like you have and will make the best of the situation. It sure beats them going into foster care and who knows what may happen to them there.

That's not all, my oldest daughter went off the deep end after she passed away and is now as we speak in prison for drug abuse. She used drugs to numb herself so she wouldn't have to feel the pain. When the police found her she was picked up on Saturday in the wee hours of the morning 2:00 am. She was in jail all that night, all day Sunday and that night, didn't even realize she was in jail until Monday morning when she woke up. Let's just say I am lucky it turned out the way it did.

I don't know why we go through some of the trials that are put upon us but know this. You are not alone. Every one of us, On this Loss of an adult child are living through hell. Learning to cope and dealing with this tremendous burden placed upon us. We will live second to second trying to deal with the loss or in many cases like yours losses. My heart goes out to you. The first year of your journey is treacherous, which you have lived through already once. Find someone to confide in. Find people that can help you with your family. Most important take time for yourself too. Eat, even though you don't feel like it. Keep up your strength, you have four beautiful children that did not ask for this either in your care. Hugs and Kisses to all of you. My prayers are also with you!

Sincerely, tayl232