i cant get rid of the horrible images of mommy's death

[sadbeyondwords]

I am at work...and I am completely breathless. The images of my mother dying are so intense today that my heart is pounding so hard and I am lightheaded and I am sick to my stomach. I cant stop replaying my mother's final days in the hospital. She was so helpless. She had to be shocked, ended up being intubated, being put on medication to keep her blood pressure up. All this caused her tremendous pain. Then the breathing tube came out and they had to put it back in 2 more times without giving her sedation or pain medication. She was in so much pain. She was crying and they didnt do anything. They made so many mistakes. They gave her the wrong medications in the hosptial and it caused her body to fail. She went in healthy and now all I keep seeing is her swollen body, hooked up to machines, her crying, in pain, tubes everywhere, they kept sticking her, putting in feeding tubes that kept falling out.It was so horrible. She was in so much pain. I cant stop thinking how she even made it a few days with so much pain. I cant take it. My poor mother. why did this horrific thing happen to her. Those sticking doctors =they killed her, they butchered her poor body-she was trying to keep alive but they finally killed her. She was so scared. I saw it on her face. I cant stop thinking of it. I feel like I am going to die thinking about this. I cant change it-this is how it ended . for the rest of  my life I have to keep thinking of this. The love of mylife died such a horrific disgusting painful death and the images are so vivid. It is 9 weeks later and the images get more and more vivid, more and more painful. There is no way I can live knowing she died like this.

[solemate]

dear SBW Im not sure I can offer you the words of comfort you need - I wish I could wrap my arms around you and give you a warm hug.  One year ago  I lost both parents as a result of a car accident. Dad died instantly, but Mum was revived at the scene and flown to a larger hospital to be put on life support.  When I arrived at the hospital, I was distraught and still in shock.  When I was taken in to see my Mother, I recall saying over and over, Thats not my Mum. She was so swollen, badly bruised from her broken Neck, ribs, fractures of the arms and overall lacerations.  She also had probable brain injuries.  My Mum was without her glasses and her hair pulled back and had been washed.  She was naked under the sheet with tubes supporting her life and a brace to hold up her head.  At the start I could not accept it was her - I only saw her hours earlier.  The nurse encourged me to hold her hand - that was when I realised that this battered person was indeed my beloved Mum.  I used to manicure my Mum's nails and although her hand was swollen, I could recognise her nails.  The image of my Mum still stays with me, but I know try hard to focus on her hands as the strongest memory of that terrible day when I agreed to turn off the life support of the person who was my Mum and best friend.  I vchose to view my Father at the funeral parlor.  He too was badly injured with broken back, fractures and deep facial lacerations.  I was glad I saw him, I was able to say goodbye and was prepared by the funeral staff as to what I might expect when I went in.  It was my Dad, although his face was reconstructed.  SBW I hope that you can find an image of your Mum that you could focus on that would bring a warmth to your heart.  My Mum loved rainbows and this is a symbol that I now accept that when I see one, my mum (and Dad) are saying hello.   Your grief is still so raw and I admire that you have returned to work.  I couldnt and after three attempts and three months off left.  I am now with a new employer.  SBW I hope you have some support, a counsellor worked for me and reading the book by Alison Du Bois We are their heaven.  Your pain is real and I too experience times when the images just dont leave.  I cant remember what I wore last week, but I can remember every last detail of that day and the images that are etched in my heart.   Take care SWB  your journey is just begining - be kind to yourself and let all your emotions take their path - gayle

[sadbeyondwords]

Thank you Gayle for writing. I am sorry for both of your losses. The circumstances sound awful, similar to mine. The images that we are left with from our beautiful loving parents are so horrible. It is hard to replace that one moment in time with memories of all the years we had together. The horrible memories seem to dominate and wont let the nice images reappear.

I struggle everyday with the loss in different ways. Some days, all I can think about is the image of my mom's horrible painful death, her being coded, intubated, the tears. ......the horror, the absolute disgusting horror for my beautiful loving helpless mommy.  Other days, all I think about is how I could have changed the outcome. In hindsight, there are so many things that I really could have done which I feel would have chagned the outcome and allowed my mother to leave the hospital alive. Why didnt I insist that the catheter in her bladder be removed. It was in for so many weeks. Why didnt I realize it would lead to infection? What is wrong with me. I'm such an idiot. That is common sense. Why didnt I try to exercise my mommy's limbs myself rather than wait for the stupid physical therapists to arrive-they never did show up and do anything and she got weaker and weaker and weaker and weaker.  Why didnt I insist they give her the blood pressure pills that she is normally on at home. Without them, she ran into same many problems. What is wrong with me? I'm an idiot. Why didnt I get a new doctor when I realized her assigned doctor was a real moron. What is wrong with me. I should have brought her home at the first chance instead of worrying about the lab abnormalities-I was scared then but when I talk to people about it now, they said, over time those abnormalities would have resolved. We should have brought her home instead of keeping her in that hospital. She said "take me home" but we thought that was "crazy talk". She could have been alive. I feel so guilty. I know for sure there was so many things that could have been differently and my poor mother, my poor helpless mother who was looking at me to protect her, would be alive. How can I ever live knowing this. I cant. I love you so much mommy. I really am dying without you. I love you more than words will ever describe. You were the most unbelievable mommy in the world. HOW could I let you down. You would never have done that to me. I love you I am so so sorry . It is too late. MOMMY I WANT TO BE WITH YOU. I JUST CANT BEAR BEING HER WITHOUT YOU.

[ps90247]

Hi, SBW:

I am so sorry for your loss.  I can relate to you because my mom went through a lot (but not all) of the nightmares your mom had to endure in the hospital.  My mom initially was hospitalized for (what we thought was) "routine" pneumonia on 11/23/07.  She was discharged on 11/26/07 but she had to be readmitted (via my 911 call) on 11/27/07.  Diagnosis this time was collapsed lung, along with pneumonia that didn't totally cleaer.  She was in ICU for a few days and then transferred to regular inpatient room.  She seemed to improve a little the next 2 weeks until I got the most horrifying phone call from her pulmonologist...that my mom had to be intubated (that was on 12/15/07).  She was never able to be weaned off the intubator.  It didn't seem like the doctors could figure out why she could not saturate above 85%.  Then finally, on 12/21/07, one of the pulmonologists told me she had severe emphysema and that we have come to a crossroads (since there was little hope of weaning my mom off the respirator).  So we (my mom and I) made the very painful decision of extubating her.  She was extubated at 10 AM on 12/26/07, and she passed away at 4:50 PM that day.  I can accept the fact that my mom would never be able to get off the respirator...but what I can't understand is that how the doctors could not have diagnosed the emphysema earlier?  Not that it would have made a difference or prolonged her life.....I think it was beyond the point of no return....but how could the doctors not know?  Maybe the pneumonia and collapsed lung masked the emphysema (making it hard to detect until the pneumonia and collapsed lung cleared).  And my wife can't figure out why her primary care doctor did not notice anything wrong with my mom during her routine physicals.  I heard that when doctors listen to patients breathing through stethoscope, docs should be able to tell if emphysema could be present because of a unique sound.  My mom also wanted to leave the hospital not once but twice, and I had to leave work both times in the middle of the day to calm her down and convince her she should stay.  My best friend told me she probably knew she was going soon and just wanted to be around familiar surroundings (and away from the hospital).  But I didn't want her to leave the hospital because I was clinging on to false hope; I was grasping at straws. 

But the very saddest part (aside from watching her flatline) was when she held out her hand, asking my wife and me to all join hands.  I think that was my mom's way of saying (she was already intubated) goodbye and that she entrusts my wife to take care of me.

I have had feelings of guilt, no doubt about it.  I keep blaming myself for not knowing this sooner (that my mom was gradually getting ill).  I noticed her getting much more tired the past year and a half before she passed away but both my mom and I thought it was due to old age (she was 78 when she died).  Everyone under the sun (my therapist, my wife, my best friend, coworkers) has told me to stop blaming myself and that there was nothing I could have done differently to prevent what happened from happening.  I am starting to believe that, although at times I still hate myself for being somewhat aloof to my mom's condition. 

My mom died exactly 16 weeks ago today.  I have to say that the extreme intense pain has dissipated somewhat...I have some decent days but there are some days that just creep out of nowhere...I get so sad I almost think life isn't worth living anymore.  But I know that wouldn't be fair to my wife and my stepson, who have been super during this most difficult time in my life...it wouldn't be fair to my mom, because I would be sending message to her that she failed in raising me...and most of all, it wouldn't be fair to myself.  But I must admit that I have cried every single solitary day since the day she was intubated (because at that time, I knew she probably wouldn't see New Year's 2008).  I talk to her every day and say out loud that I love her and miss her so, so much. 

I know it has been tough but please don't be so hard on yourself.  You have long life to live and that is what your mother would want you to do.  But at the same time, remember your mom, talk to her, and know that she is still around.

Please hang in there and try to stay strong...Paul

 

 

 

[sadbeyondwords]

Paul,

Thank you for sharing your story.  My mom was admitted to the hospital 2 days after your mom passed. She died 6 weeks later in feb. I honesly feel like things are worse every single day. I thought time would make me better. I am definitely feeling worse than ever before. I am so sick without her. I really cant stop thinking about her. Why is it getting worse . My grief is unbearable. I cant sleep. Icant function. I cant go on. I miss her more than anything. I just cant live without her. I wish I had done so much more for her at the hospital. OH my I am so sick without her. I need her. What am I going to do? It is so unbeleivably bad. The thought of trying to do anything makes me scared. I dont want to go to work. I cant function. I feel like I should have done so much more for her. She could be alive right now. She was so healthy. I am so mad at myself. I feel sick. What am I going to do. She was not supposed to die now. She was too young. I am too young. oh my goodness, this is horrible. I cant stop crying. I am worse. She will never be here again. I n eed to touch her .I want to die. I want to die. I want to be with her. This life is pointless without her. I am falling apart. She should not be dead. She shouldnt. How did I allow this to happen. I want to die

[randibear]

Dear Sad, I cried when I read your's and Paul's stories.  Paul's story is almost exactly the same for my mom. 

The last few years mom kept getting weaker and weaker. She could barely move around the house and she slept so much!!  I live in Texas and only saw Mom about twice a year but my three sisters are there.  Doni would take Mom to the hospital at Wright-Pat AFB and they would say "oh, she needs to exercise."  Even my one sister is a radiologist and she said, "well mom just toddles around".  Nobody thought heart disease.

When she fell, she layed in the garage for hours because my sister did not recognize the phone number from the life alert so she never answered the bloody phone!!  When they put mom in the hospital, she got mrsa (a staph infection), pneumonia, blood clots, systemic yeast, and everything you could imagine.

It has taken that hospital 5 months to finally diagnose congestive heart faillure.  Why did they not see it?  How could they miss it?  All the symptoms were there.

She's suffering now and I'm angry also.  I don't want to remember her like my sisters are describing.  It's not fair...why didn't they see?  They're doctors, for pete's sake.  They surely can tell a heart problem.

Her death will be on their heads.

I'm sure you did everything humanly possible to care for your mother and she knows this.

There are just no words for your grief, there never will be.  But I think she would want you to carry on for her and be strong.  I'm sure she's watching and she knows how you feel.

 

 

 

[tintin]

I am also struggling with images of my mother's death. I found her alone, at home, an unexpected and premature death.

My nights, four months on, are filled with "what ifs" and "if only I had". I knew she wasn't feeling well, but she said she had been to the doctor and everything was okay...

Why did I listen to that?

I hate myself for that, I think so much that I don't want to be here without her, but I also think that she wants me to fulfill her dreams for me...

[sheela]

i am so sorry to hear of every ones pain - my mom died last year at home after thirsting to death like terri schivo .. she didnt want to go to the hospice she wanted to stay at home - but at home they wont do iv fluids so what do you do ? you give them what they want .. so i did .. but still she suffered so much ...