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trying to just get through another day


sadbeyondwords

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sadbeyondwords

The weekend begins. I again woke suddenly at 3 am in a panic. My mommy is gone. What am I going to do with myself today, tomorrow and the rest of my life without her. I get sick to my stomach thinking about this. I am only existing now- I am off from work this weekend but I cant plan anything, do anything because, well what is the point. I get scared leaving the house-i feel uncomfortable for some reason all the time- like life around scares me, doing anything scares me. I dont care about anything- I cant stop thinking about my mom every single minute. The only thing I can do is eat crunchy things to try to distract my mind from thinking about her momentarily. My chest hurts so much-the weight of this grief is really really hurting me physically-I feel breathless all the time. I know my mom is supposed to be here now with me. She wasnt supposed to die. It does not seem possible. I cant get stop thinking about her taking her last breath. How did this vivacious healhty woman die. I am angry at the entire medical fiedl for causing this-errors caused her death and I cant at all fathom that my mother is a statistic. It was not supposed to be like this. She is supposed to be here with me. We are supposed to be eating breakfast together- she loved when I made her eggs; we are supposed to be getting dressed to go out together for a long walk where we just discuss everything and anything. So peaceful, so calming, so incredible. We are supposed to barbeque together and eat juicy hamburgers in the warm weather. We are supposed to go the summer feasts together. She is supposed to teach me how to make another one of her favorite dishes. She needs to tell me more stories of her life. She is supposed to be here. I cant believe it is over. How can this be. She was so heathy. People do not die like this. She was too young. Everyone in the obituaries dies in their 80's and 90's. There are so many old people walking around-why did they make it and not my mom. She was the best. It is wrong. I cant move. I cant move from this one spot. I am so horribly depressed. I cant move. I cant do anything. It is more depressing now-the warm weather is here-we spent all day out in the warm weather; leave early in the am and wouldnt come back till 8-9 pm. She would say "I had fun, what a great day" and she would hug me. She was so unbelievably cute, so tiny. Oh I cant take the pain. This is not supposed to happen to her, me and my family. It is so wrong. I am so angry. She was supposed to be with me for years and years. She was so healthy. I cant go on-I cant go out. I sit her barely moving and feeling out of breath thinking about my life without her. It is almost 9 weeks and the pain is more and more searing every single day and every moment. Oh i cant take this pain  

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Hi, I really really feel your pain, my mom passed in february and I know its hard, its still beyond words for me too... I can see how close you were, we were close too. my best friend, its hard to go to bed at night. I find that my hardest time. It makes me think of her too much.  I adored my mom and she was to young to pass away, I too had many years more that i wanted to spend with her. we loved to shop and she was crazy about anything on sale! My heartaches, I know... this is new to me too. my mom had cancer but by the time she was diagnosed it was to late. I hate that she had no signs and sometimes I feel like if I had only seen any signs maybe I could have helped her. I will do this to myself all the time, think how could i not have seen!!!!! Mothers and daughters have this amazing bond thats hard to put into words. Its amazing how we connect without even saying a word. reality is hard and stepping out is tough. I don't like seeing mom and daughters out when i am in public, i get so envious. i am praying for and just know i truly get how you feel. 

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stephysteph13

sadbeyondwords,

How old are you when you lost mom? I'm 18 and lost my mom almost 2 years ago. It sucks majorly. I think we might have messeged eachother before but I read your post and my heart still aches for you. I truly understand what your feeling and going through, even though i know it wont make anything better it does help to know that you are not alone at all! Its a tough thing, i think this year is worst than last but everyperson is different. with graduation and mothers day coming up im not feeling too great myself. i guess i just learned how to deal with it, because i know i have to live w it. yea. it sucks but nothing i mean nothing will bring her back. i struggleeveryday in need of my mommy, but i know i will never see her anymore. and its a stab in the heart but unfortuntely its true. I want her back its not fair for her to be gone but then again it isnt fair for ANYONE to die no matter the age. I need my mom,,, im at the age where not having a mom can be extremely difficult. i never thought i would be in this perdicament but i am and now i have to push through it with as much motivation possible. I feel upset writin this... ive had a few really good happy days but then today i kinda didnt feel so well. it comes in and out like waves and unfortunely will never fully go away you just learn how to kinda accept it in your everyday life. Hope i helped a little. Im always here for u if u need a shoulder!

Stephanie

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sadbeyondwords

Stacy

My mom also passed this February so I think we are in the same stages of grieving. I still cant believe that I am writing that my mom has died. It does not seem right. This is way too hard for me. I dont know how anyone deals with this. I really cant do anything. I tried to get on the treadmill at the gym and I couldnt move. The images of my mom dying stops me in my tracks. It gets me breathless so it is too hard to do any exertion. Honestly,  I am so plagued with the images of my mother's death that I am cracking up. She died such a miserable painful death-because of the doctors. I should have brought her home from the hospital at the first available opportunity. I should not have kept her there thinking that she would get better care-this is my fault, all my fault. There were a few days when I know we could have just brought her right home-but I was scared because her labs werent great. But in hindsight, I know that these lab abnormalities would have gotten better if she was at home-I know it-she stayed in the hospital and they did more and more to her and she got worse and worse. It is hard for me to accept that she would have been alive if I had just left with her-she wanted to go home so badly. The images of her are killing me. She was so helpless. She went in so healthy. OH, I am so sick from this. It is too hard to live with this-the guilt is overwhelming-my mom could have been alive right now 

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SBW.

I am so sorry you are hurting so bad.  You are still so early in this horrible grief journey. Please give yourself time to grieve and know that this is not your fault.  You did what you thought was best for your Mom at the time.  It is natural to hope that the hospital will help our beloved family member.  None of us had the benefit of knowing the future or we all would have done things differently.   My Mom died 5 years ago and I felt guilty because I had talked to her on the phone but didn't tell her to go to the hospital then.  Sure I told her she needed to call her doctor if she didn't feel better and get her oxygen level checked.  But I didn't insist.  I didn't talk to my Dad and tell him he needed to make sure Mom got checked out asap.  I am a nurse.  If only I had....   Perhaps if...  Could I have changed the outcome...I will never know because I did what I did and said what I said.  I can't add more now. 

The what ifs and if onlys are an enemy for you right now in this grief process.  You didn't know and can't go back and change things.  You don't really know that bringing her home would have saved her life.  You don't know what the outcome would have been.  You did the best you could with the knowledge you had at the time.  That is all any of us could have done.  Please remember you didn't cause her death. 

Do you have someone to talk to?  Cry with?  Hug and talk about your Mom with?  Releasing the feelings in someway is important.  Also know that you aren't going crazy.  I think I read in another post that you are only 9 weeks out?  So early and so hard.  The pain is worse after the first 2 months because some of the shock and numbess is wearing off and you are faced with the reality of life without your Mom.  Now the hurt really sets in when others outside the immediate family are moving on. 

Counseling can be a good idea especially if you feel like you want to hurt yourself or can't function enough to take care of yourself.  Hang in there.  There is no pain like losing someone we love.  My greatest comfort is that I believe I will see my Mom and my son Joshua again in Heaven for eternity.  That hope is the only thing that allows me to function daily.

Hugs,

Sal

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sad beyond words,Hi its stacyc again, I could not help but to respond I feel Like all your words are my words. I saw my mom pass , she died holding my hand. I have guilt somtimes myself. I was her caretaker, as soon as she was diagnosed with cancer 10 months ago, she immediately came to live with me. I always think could I have done more, should I have made the drs. keep her on chemo longer... I don't know. Its hard I do this too, I think I could have done this and If I had only done that. I guess we need to know that we could not have anticipated what the future was holding in store for our beautiful moms. Please don't blame yourself, you had know Idea. Oh, god do I know how you feel. my moms 61st birhtday just past on wednesday and its was sooo... hard. Last year we had a big surprise birthday party for her, and this year shes gone. I just can't understand life right now, and I get angry really angry sometimes. I do see a therapist now. Ounce a week I go and I get my frustrations out I also take some medicine that helps with anxiety and sleep. I think It might help you too??? Maybe you should see your dr. I wish I could just give you a hug. Thinking of you todayand hoping that we can get through tomorrow without to many tears.:(

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sadbeyondwords

Sally,

Thank you for your response. You are right. The "what ifs" are breaking me down right now. I am having panic attacks nearly every hour that last 10-15 minutes. I am not functioning.  However, I cannot stop perseverating about what I should have done. I am so mad at myself. I know I could have changed the outcome.  I spend all day thinking about what I should have done in the hosptial and how stupid I was. I have to live with this the rest of my life...which is exactly why I hope I dont live too much longer.

 You say that it is early for me in terms of grief. Today makes 10 weeks. (I hate tuesdays, the day she died). But I read all the other posts- it seems that even those who are further along the grief process also seem to be suffering so much-it does not seem that time brings relief. So scary that this is the inevitable- so much pain? For me, it seems like it will only get worse because I have to deal with grief, anger at the horrible doctors who made so many mistakes and my own guilt that I was so stupid that I couldnt do more to prevent this stuff. I hate this. I hate the pain- I hate that my mom suffered so much- I cant stop thinking about how she suffered. I could have prevented this. The pain is so unbearable. Oh my goodness,  oh my goodness. This life is so not worthl living   

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sadbeyondwords

Stacy, when I read your response,  I feel that in some ways you were more fortunate than I was. We have both suffered the most horrible loss-but it sounds like your mom went so peacefully-you held her hand while she passed. That is so beautiful.  Gosh, I wish that is how it ended for my mom. No instead she was hooked up to machines, she couldnt talk, she cried, she was swollen, she was in pain, she couldnt tell me anything exept the look in her eyes said everythng, she was so so so scared. I see the images over and over again, her eyes looking so sad and in pain. I stay awake all night with that. There was no peace. She stopped breathing, turned blue and they coded her, pounded on her chest, shocked her. So much pain, I feel sick thinking about this. This is not supposed to how it was supposed to be. I wanted her to be at home. I wish she had died at home among those who loved her so much instead of in that crap hosptial where they didnt give a crap for her. I am so sad, so angry. It is killing me. My chest hurts all the time-she died so horribly. All death is horrible but to die horribly and horrificially makes it a million times worse. It is something that I can never get over. Holy crap, this is so bad, my poor poor mother. I dont know anyone who died in so much pain, so horribly. Why my mother. why my family.

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sadbeyondwords, Oh I'm so so sorry for you. I can't believe that happened. I know death is hard, but for her to go in a painful way is very hard. I know that this journey is going to be hard and your going to question alot about all the things you think you could have done. I know, even though my mom did go holding my hand its not easy, the last month before she past she could not talk becuase of the brain tumors and somtime I don't even think she knew who I was. Thats not easy, my son was scared to go near her because she was so swollen from meds, it broke my mothers heart when my son would run away from her when all she wanted was a hug. Its hard for everyone. we all have things that are going to brake our hearts and I know its still to raw for us right now. and I'm sure you think how I think... which is no one gets it, know one knows how much I'm in pain, and how many nights I find myself up just crying. I feel so bad for you, I'm sure this so hard I can't imagine having her so healthy and then a medical mistake happen. Its absolutely terrible. Was this just a small medical procedure that she was going in for??? Its just beyond words to me to think you lost your mom because of a medical mistake, oh you poor thing. well, I hope your going to take serious action against this terrible hospital. SEW there asses. Get the dr. fired, I don't know but someone needs to pay for such a horrible mistake. I hope you have an ok day today. I'm feeling really down myself today ... Its just not right, I still need her and want her close to me. I miss her bubbly personality. God Bless our MOMS!!

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sadbeyondwords

Oh my, the day is getting worse and worse. The feelings are now completely overwhelming me. I cant do anything. I woke at 3 am in a panic...mom is gone...and from then on my heart has been racing. Today is terrible. I cant talk with anyone...I feel so sick. oh my goodness. this is killing me. my mom should be alive. i need her help so much. this is not how it shoudl have ended. I have completely died myself. The pain is from the tip of my head to the tips of my toenails. everything hurts. I am so scared of my life now-where once there was excitement about what the future held, there is only anxiety, fear of how I will live without the most beautiful loving mother to me. There really is nothing to look forward to. How one moment, the moment of my mom's last breath has brought me to my knees and has ended my life. i cant see how it is possible to live without the one person who always knew just what to say to me, knew when to stay silent, knew when to hug me, knew when to hold my hand. I am breathless thinking that I cant touch her. How does anyone cope with this. no more hugs from my beautiful mother-these I lived for. I was such a lifesaver. I looked forward to always being next to her. I loved her sooo tooo much. It is impossible to believe she is not here. Why did this happen to her. She was not meant to die when she did. I cant take it.

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Its sounds like your having a bad day, I'm sure right now everyday is a bad day. I actuallty just back from therapy I brought my husband with me, I thought it might help so he knows what I'm feeling. Its weird because when ever I feel down like you some people would say who can you go too, is there anyone who can comfort you. It hurts because the person who i ALWAYS went is my mom. I'm pretty sure its the same for you. I wish I had the right words for you, I wish there was some magic wand that would make this all better or even better maybe wake up in hope that this was all just a really bad dream I hoped that alot, praying that when I woke in the morning it would be better.  I know what you mean by just wanting to be by her, I was that way too. Just being in there presence was enough. I loved being with my mom, she was funny, pretty, great sence of style, so comforting and the best person to talk to. I often think she was the only person who really GOT ME!!!! I mean its like you said they knowed just when to hug you, when to be silent, when to listen, when to be a friend... my mom just knew. Its hard to think that this is it, that we have.... I guess what people say to me which I HATE..... move on. Its the worst advice right now because thats the last thing I want todo.

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[align=left]Hello sadbeyondwords,

This is my first post and I just had to respond to you as I see how much grief you are experiencing. I lost my brother when he was only 13 years old, so I will try to help.

It certainly does take time for the powerful emotions to lessen.

What really helped me is understanding the reasons why we die at all. I was told by a religious clergyman when my brother died that "it was God's time to take him." This made no sense to me because my brother had not had an opportunity to grow up yet. He hadn't done anything deserving of the suffering he went through before he died. None of this made any sense to me. My brother went through months of chemo and weighed only 57 pounds when he died. He was 5 feet 7.

I really appreciated knowing that God never purposed for my brother to die or even get sick and that he was not picked out to go to heaven. In fact, I learned from the bible that God originally purposed for us to live forever, and that God has a time in which all of our loved ones will be resurrected and we will be able to see them again!

I feel happy when I think of what Jesus himself said at John 5:28, 29-..."the hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice and come out."

I also learned that this is going to take place right here on earth very soon!

I  have been studying the bible for many years now and understand God to be the loving Creator that really cares about our losses and really wants us to look forward to seeing them again in the resurrection>He wants us to get "comfort" during our difficult time. Romans 15;4

I hope this is helpful. What also helped me is understanding that death is just like sleeping and our loved one is not aware of any passage of time.

When we see our loved ones again they will be in perfect bodies. They will never get sick again. Please read Isaiah 33:24 in your bible where it says, "And no resident will say 'I am sick.' The people dwelling in the land will be those pardoned...."

I know I can't bring your mom back, but I hope that knowing you can see her again will help.

Sincerely,

klin

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KLIN68,

I just read what you wrote and I can only hope and pray with all my heart that we will be together again one day. Oh, god I hope that happens. I thought what you said was beautiful and take alot of comfort in your advice. I'm so sorry for your loss as well. My mom had cancer too, its a tough sickness to see your loved ones go through. Thanks for posting it.

stacyc

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I just read all your posts from today - well yesterday, I guess - and could identify so closely to the things you were saying that I felt compelled to sign up to this site so that I could respond. 

A year ago February my brother's baby passed away of sudden infant death syndrome. My brother called me the day  it happened at his daycare and i rushed over there only to see the paramedics walking slowing out of the house with their heads downs.  With three children of my own, i could imagine (as closely as someone who hadn't lost a child could imagine) the horrific paralyzing pain my brother and his wife were feeling. But at the time I had to be the "strong one" and try and help with arrangements, etc. After that experience, i had such a strong faith that God had taken that precious 5 month old perfectly healthy baby to Heaven for a reason - and I was bound and determined to find out what reason it could possibly be.  I spent the next year looking for the positive - I never really GRIEVED for my nephew, as I knew he lived a pure life, died in his sleep with no pain and would NEVER know what pain was. He would never know the pain of losing a loved one - or having a disease - or ANYTHING, God gave that child and his parents 5 healthy, happy months and then gently swept him off to Heaven --

On February 6th this year just one year after my nephew's passing, my 66 year old father was outside shoveling the snow and had a massive heart attack.  Although Mom has had three heart surgeries in the past 5 years, Dad refused to go to the doctor - he hadn't been to the doctor in 10 years. - No sign of any "problems" - and to be honest i just dont think he wanted to know if there were any problems.  They worked on him for 45 minutes in the ambulance in the driveway  -- but he was already gone.   I drove an hour and a half through that snowstorm to get to the hospital - but of course...he was gone before i even left my driveway to go there.  I remember the panic feeling i had as I frantically raced to the hospital - but in my heart, i knew the whole time he was gone.  i remember walking in to the hospital and being met at the front door and I said "He is gone isn't he?" and they didnt even hae to answer, the look on her face made me lose all feeling in my legs and i almost fell to the floor right in the front lobby of the hospital.  "Just one minute - Just one more minute" is all I kept saying.  I just wanted to say i love you and thank you for making me who I am and teaching me how to love and ...... " you know...i can tell you know all the things I wanted to say.

The panic and loss of purpose and shear fear of carrying on that you have expressed in your posts is so close to how I feel.  Number one I dont feel like getting out of bed - and yet I DREAD going to bed at night because the minute I close my eyes I fall apart all over again.  Its just hard to imagine that I will ever truly feel any joy again.

The saddest part is that if my father is watching me - which I hope and pray that there truly is a Heaven and he CAN hear me when I talk to him - but if he is watching me, then I am breaking his heart.  It would crush him to watch me fall apart like this.  He was such a loving, caring, selfless man.  He was the oldest man on the block and he spent many a winter day shoveling EVERYONES driveways - mowing lawns, fixing plumbing or carpentry.  Mom used to joke that she shared her handyman husband with the neighborhood.  i panic to think of his pain when he collapsed. How long was he hurting? Was he laying there panicked that he couldn't take care of Mom anymore?

A friend told me that the minute we reach Heaven the pain is gone - and the memory of the pain is erased.  Im not sure of what your mother's illness was. Amd from the sound of your story, it wasn't quick and sudden like that of my Dad.  I HAVE to have faith that they are both at peace, painless and watching us - and hoping that we BOTH find a way to make it back to living again.  - Its almost like I'd like to just go to sleep and wake up in about four months when the pain isn't so fresh - my biggest fear is that in 4 months Im still going to feel this empty.

I would suggest seeing your doctor and having them give you some anti anxiety medicine.  i have been taking it - not alot - but just enough to take the edge off - and I have been some better.  Im not a big medicine taker - so i hesitated when when everyone said I needed something to get me through this - but it has helped alot.

Sorry for this long, lengthy message....this is the first time Ive ever sat down and put my thoughts into print, I think it might have helped tonight - and i may even get to sleep now.  Thanks for being so open and sharing your feelings. I got online tonight in desparate need of finding SOME words- somebody's feelings that I could identify with and just knowing someone else feels this desparation makes me feel like Im not alone in this dark hole Ive been in since the day my Dad died. 

Im so truly sorry for your loss - and thank you....for sharing

Sue

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sadbeyondwords

Sue, Thank you for sharing your story.Clearly we feel very similar. Your father passed exactly one day after my mom did. The day your father passed, I was doing the sickening task of picking out my poor mother's casket. I would like to forget about this entire year quite honestly. 2008 has been miserable and will be miserable forever. The number 8 gets me quesy. the number 5 does as well, the day she died. I feel so so so horrible. It really is getting worse for me. It is another gorgeous day here and I am so sad-I want so desparately to share this day with my mom. I need to share it with her. I dont even want to think about getting through spring, summer without her. These will forever be miserable days for me. She died way too prematurely. In hindsight, I know there was so much I could have done to save her in the hospital - I just was too stupid to think of the right things at the time. I am so mad at myself. She should not be dead now. She was so healthy. My poor mother-I looked at the pictures that I took right before she went into the hospital for  a minor procedure. Beautiful, young, vibrant, healthy-how could this have happened.  How can she be below ground. I am so completely breathless. I cant seem to ever get in a good breath from anxiety. I dont want to think about my future. I always used to be so optimistic and sort of giddy with excitement about what is next in my life, what is around the corner-now the around the corner is really just another day counted since her death. Now I only want to look at the past and think how wonderful it was and how it will never ever be good from now on. Wow, this is really hurting...I know that my few friends are tired of me talking about my feelings. they roll their eyes. Well they all have their moms and dads so they dont care. They dont know that I cant stand listening to their daily nonsense whihc is so meaningless. I dont want to read the paper becuase it is meaningless. I cant watch tv because seriously, it is such garbage, more nonsense, stupid stuff compared to my pain-I cant listen to any music. I will hear something that will make me cry about my mom. I had my car window open yesterday when I was driving in silence- the car next to me had the radio blasting and the song playing was "breathe" by jordan sparks. It talks about not being able to get air ( i think it has to do with relationship woes or something) but it so depressing to me- it reminds me so much of my mom-i immediately picture her unable to breathe-oh my, i felt like crashing my car head first. the sadness overwhelms me. my mom is supposed to be here with me. Why is it that everyone in the obituaries in the past few weeks dies in their late 80s' and 90's and even 100. Why is this. Why are they so freakin lucky. Why?  I am so mad, so depressed, so tired. i have had it. i love you mommy. I miss you so very much that I am dying without you. I miss everything about you. Your adorable smile, those bright shiny eyes, your tiny fingers and cute little legs, the feel of your enormous hugs, the feel of your little hand wrapped around mine when we held hands, your cute sweater that you wore all the time with the little rip that you never wanted to repair that is still hanging in your closet, your adorable white sneakers that are still sitting by your bed ready for you, your adorable sunvisor that you wore all summer,  the fact that you cut out articles for me everyday from the newspaper, that you always made lists to remind me to do things that I needed to do, that fact that you always needed to hold onto a tissue even when you were sleeping, your stories of your youth, your marriage and my youth, your common sense advice that got me (and my friends) through everything, that shopping with you was such an unbelievable pleasure, that you allowed me to travel and see things that you never were able to experience ever, that you pushed me to try so many new things, that you were the best mommy anyone could ever have. I need you for many more years. I need you mommy. I am so lost without you. MAAAAA, OH MAAAAA, I MISS YOU SO MUCH. I cant stop crying. MAAAAA, i need you. 

 

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SBW....

I wish I could just give you a big hug.  The pain in your words is so raw - and I can identify with how desparate you feel.  People who have not lost someone so close to them simply cannot understand how consuming the grief can be - i think my friends are all scared of me at this point.  They call every once in awhile, but I think they probably hold their breath when they do, waiting to see if Im bawling or not when they call. 

That is why I love this website so much.  When I read the things that others are thinking and feeling it makes me realize that Im not totally insane.  I am NORMAL ... and although i dont think life will EVER be the same without my Daddy in it, I HAVE to have the faith that he will be waiting for me when my day comes to go to Heaven.

I had to MAKE myself go out and do some work today - and once I got out I realized how much easier it was than I thought it was going to be.  And i still keep thinking that if there is a Heaven....then my Dad is there watching me...and the last gift I am going to give my Dad is making it through this and becoming the person my Dad spent 39 years of his life preparing me to be.  All I can think of is how sad my Dad would be to see me falling apart. 

If I could DO ANYTHING for you, I wish I could take away the guilt you feel when it comes to your Mom's hospital stay.  Hindsight can eat you alive honey.....and aren't we ALL taught to believe to "trust the professionals".  I had just bugged my Dad the week before to go get a physical - he refused. I could have pushed the issue...if I had, his heart condition could have been discovered and he might be here today - but that is hindsight - and I learned during the time when my baby nephew Evan died that hindsight can only change TOMORROW and the decisions we make then - and to dwell on what we didn't do - or could have done - is such a wasteful thing...although we do all do it, its only natural. 

I have noticed too that it  seems like the obituaries are full of 80 years olds....and yes, I feel cheated.  I want my Dad to be here 14 more years... or even 1 more year...or even one more day.

I know I mentioned it before when i wrote you, but i so wish you would go talk to your doctor.  Your words sound EXACTLY like mine before I got my medicine.  The complete lack of hope and the fact that you have written that you just want to go with your Mom.  I truly felt the same way (and still do for little moments in time) - but

an anti anxiety pill just kinda takes the edge off the desparation - its hard to explain.  I have NEVER been a medicine taker! Ive never even finished an antibiotic in my adult life! But this medicine....I set my alarm 1 hour before I have to get up everyday so that I can take it...go back to sleep and wake up when it has started working! 

If you would like, I will PM my phone number to you so if you'd like to talk you could call. 

Ive got to get my little guy to bed now....but I will write again later.

please take care

Sue

 

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