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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
momofJustin

Loss of an Adult Child

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I had a terrible evening. After cleaning around my room in my closet I found boots she had bought for us both. I started looking more and found her urn and ashes that I had gotten my husband to put away because it was too difficult to see out in the open right now. 

I then found old photo albums and had a melt down. Thank you Ativan for rescuing me 30 min into my meltdown.

I did request antidepressants about 3 weeks after her death. I just didn't see any possibility of improvement in the future at all and I admit unless it was mind over matter I do have many more good days than bad. And Ativan for times I feel I could rip my skin off.

I never imagined so much pain but reading others that have gone through and are able to share hope for reinventing normalcy is what i am clinging to.

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Rebekahs mom, I understand all so well right now. My daughter has been gone almost 3 months now. I feel like I am going insane on some days. I try to put on the I am fine face for work while on the inside I can't hold anything togeather. Today I have decided to start talking to someone. I know there is hope I am just not there. I can hardly go in a place that we went in togeather. But I recently found these page. I know but sharing and reading that I can start to understand, I have experience loss but when I lost my daughter I lost a piece of myself. Like I said I hope to find some understanding here and ways to cope. This is the first time I really have talked about her. Thank you

 

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I think I'm a gluten for punishment. I'm watching her YouTube videos.  Makes me cry

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I HATE TUESDAY. My son got a call at 7 am. He woke me telling me I needed to get dressed and answer the door. I was confused first because, what, I'm in my PJs. So I get out of bed heading to the door. All groggy, I see a cop. He asked me if I was Tina York. I'm thinking to myself, what, you know who I am. I say yes. He asks if he can come in. I'm thinking, umm. Why???  Then I saw my kids dad. In my head, I'm thinking... what did I do... nothing but why...then I think, if I let them in the can arrest me, for what I don't know. But then if I don't get, they will get a warrant. I'm not going to run. Where would I go. So I say ok. I see another cop. I start to head down my stairs. I turn around and ask if they are going to arrest me?  He says no, I wish that was the case but I need you to have a seat. I make excuses for the mess in my apartment cuz I'm in recovery from alcohol. I don't even make it to my chair and the words come out of his mouth. "kiona passed away this morning". I hit the floor. I cried. I turned and asked how. He said it looks like alcohol poisoning. (not the case). It's kinda foggy what all happened next. I know I talked to the ER doctor. I called my mom. She, was woken up. She was frantic. I talked to my dad. I couldn't drive so I asked my son if he could drive. I wanted to see her. She was at school 3.5 hours away. They said if we wanted to see her, we needed to soon because the county ordered an autopsy. Her dad said he would. The cops took him to his truck. He showed back up and we were off.  It's still so fresh in my mind. It still hurts so bad. It's been 329 days today. I still count the days. I hate Tuesday. I don't get as upset about the 21st of the month as I do about Tuesday. 

I've found, also heard from an older lady, that the only way I can deal with it is to not think about it. Turn the thoughts off. That's probably not healthy but only way I can go on.

I've researched how my family feels. I've been told, that isn't always true. My thoughts are, at least I tried for them. The only one who understands is my mom. My dad does worry about me. He tries. He will listen without trying to give advice. My son, grieves the past. He grieves the future. His only witness to his life after mom and dad are gone. My mom grieves the loss of her granddaughter plus the pain her daughter feels. 

I didn't have dreams before. I do now. She is about 10 but talks like she is 19. She was 19 when she passed. I've never been angry at God. I think he gave her a choice. She chose to leave. I don't...idk. Hate her for that. I know I won't do anything to mess up me seeing her when it's my time. I do know I hope my time is SOON. Not to leave my son but I miss her. I CANNOT believe this is my life. Really... really is this my life. 

REALLY IS THIS MY LIFE. I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE THIS LIFE. 

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Hi adamsdad, my daughter dominique died 12/21/17, not quite 2 months,  car accident at 18 years old.  I understand the difference between you and your wife: my husband of 12 years is grieving quite differently than I am.  I know he loved her in his own way,  but not like I love her.  He knows I am hurting and tries to help as much as he can.  I have small moments of happiness,  much of my day is just going through the motions,  sometimes angry,  cry most days once or twice a day. It is not all encompassing pain all day,  the pain comes in bursts.  So sorry we have all met this way.  I joined compassionate friends and go twice a month to their meeting as well. Just trying to get support wherever I can.

 

Hugs, 

Virginia,  Dominique mom

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Everyone needs to bear in mind that we all grieve differently. Although there are 5 official stages to grief which are denial, anger,bargaining,depression and acceptance it is a whole lot more complicated than that, Some people miss out a stage or two and then go back or stay at the same level for a time. There is no "normal"you just have to kinda roll with it and try and make sense of what is happening around you at that time and do the best with what you have. My ex husband got the news that our son had been killed and carried on and went to work. He took no time off.  He did not tell anyone and to this day I am not sure he has. That is his way he is very emotionally repressed anyway and has a very logical mind so does not show emotions. I am very much more in touch with my feelings and have cried several oceans of tears over the last 2 or so years, yet there are times when I still feel numb and empty and tearless. It can be different from day to day. Some people just cannot cry because they are in such shock and disbelief but there comes a time when that wall comes down and it just hits you. None of you newbies are wrong or crazy or in denial you are just grieving. It is so sad to have so many new parents all at once but by having the courage to share and being able to bond with other parents is very positive. Being understood is powerful, having some of your fears allayed is priceless and knowing you are not alone and others have your back is a huge gift.

donnac we welcome you to our group although to qualify you have to have been through the same terrible ordeal. Share what you can when you can with us and talk about your daughter. Reaching out for help is difficult because talking about what happened is so traumatic and upsetting and you feel so vulnerable and lost. I was fortunate to have had mental health support that is ongoing andI had an amazing bereavement counsellor that I saw for a year who really helped me to go into detail what happened and make some peace with each part. Sometimes it is too soon after the event to be helpful because you are still a little in denial and also not ready mentally to take onboard what is said. I say any help you can get go for it you have nothing to lose, but also keep in mind that the real benefits of therapy may come later on.

tina yep I have been at that stage many times, "I don't want this life, I must be being punished for something I did even though I don't think I did anything, why can I not catch a break? I am a kind person who goes out of her way to help anyone so I don't get why I am being pounded financially, and emotionally. Why me? What next?" Yes I know that dialogue very well. I guess there probably is not an answer except bad things happen to good people too. I am an atheist now so do not go for the "God won't give me more than I can handle" stuff but if you have faith you need to trust your journey .

one thing I do know is that we meet people for a reason,  they come into our lives at a time that is difficult and help to hold our hand. You were all directed to this site and this thread as we were, whatever your beliefs we can help each other.

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Tinay, I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter. After she first passed away I frantically read and re-read all of our texts and messages. Watched any recent videos I could as well. I think at that time I was grasping on to some hope this wasn't real. I've now saved them and may look at them again but no time soon.

I also know that feeling is this real life? I literally had a melt down last night and said the same thing for almost 2 hours. 

I can tell you everything you are doing we have done the same. I don't know when or of this gets easier. My daughter has been gone almost 2 months it will be the 17th. For me the 17th sickens me. 

I hope that in this group you will get some benefit. There are other members that have lost children years ago and tell us we can make it..it feels impossible at first but it will happen. That's what I cling to.

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I just tuned in to Foxnews and found out about the horrific shooting in Florida. I am so sick of these thugs killing our police, kids and others and then hearing excuse after excuse. These jerks need not just incarceration but also be made to read the posts all of us make on this site about how it feels to lose a child or any loved one. Let us all take a moment to raise up all  our children and loved ones in prayer. The world has changed so much since I was born in 1961 and it is just so dangerous now. Time was we didn't have to lock our doors during the day time and we could go outside without fearing that one takes his life hands just because we want to step outside for a breath of fresh air. SO sad.

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Oh Lord in Heaven, it was 10 years ago that my niece was in the lecture hall at Northern Illinois University when a shooter began to shoot up the room she got out, she and her two friends, but about 7 did not, and her life has been forever changed from that horrid time. Today they were all at a memorial for the victims...and now another shooting at a school. And here I am at a school, and wonder what the Hell is going on my friends, how is this a possibility over and over again? Guns, disaccociated persons, holidays like Valentines day to upset those most lonely or disconnected...oh Lord...how can I help any kids who are feeling less than others to rise up in healthy ways, to help their families learn to get them help...this senseless horrendous way to lose a CHILD is unforgivable.

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I understand that bullying is a real problem and between the mental health issues and the opiate addiction we face as a country, it is no wonder that the country is in the horrible shape it is in. On the other hand, I have to look at the parents who raise these predators that shooting is the answer. When I was growing up and if I had a "beef" with a fellow student, we would have an old fashioned fist fight off school grounds after school and that was it. None of us ever thought to bring guns or knives to school, nor did we ever think to take out teachers and students en masse. This is a most disgusting way for all of us to live. We are so worried about the shooter's rights....what about our children and ourselves? I am beginning to believe that these evil people's rights are more important than ours and ours are up for grabs. Is it no wonder that my wife and I don't like leaving home for very long and would much rather be home than anywhere else?

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I'm sick just seeing this. I'm Canadian and I actually don't have television and haven't really been online so this is the first I'm seeing if this. 8 shootings since 2018!! It's only 8 weeks into the year. What a scary world we live in :(

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Today has been one of those days when it felt that every breath, every movement, every thought--- was forced by me.   And Jason was the only thought in my being...all day long.  Even the news about the Florida school shooting seemed like it wasn't real.   But my thoughts about Jason were SO REAL, it was as if he was in my body.  I continue to wonder....did he have any symptoms the night before the morning when the pulmonary embolism caused cardiac arrest?   Had he been feeling bad?  Where was he the night before?  He was living intermittently with different people....I didn't know where.   

I do not think I can do this.   XXOO margarett 

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Margeetx I know exactly how you are feeling that's me and I don't know how long I can take it either. The brain won't stop so the crying won't stop. The heart is gone

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Margee, you can do this, but God knows you don't want to, and we all know it feels like you cannot, but you can Margee, please do Margee, there are still things for you to do on earth. Please hold on to us and know that your Jason wants you to find ways to stay here.

As far as this horrid school thing, I am going to get political again, so if you can't stand my views I apologize, but Canada, England, Norway, Sweden, Germany, so many other countries simply do not have these issues because they do not have guns like we do. They have gun laws, they abide by these. We look the other way because the big gun lobbiests that heavily contribute to politicians to keep gun laws small and allow for these rapid fire guns and giant ammo magazines. It is sickening to think that even after Sandy Hook when tiny kids were killed by a gunman, we did not change the gun laws, and it wasn't 8 school shootings this year, it is over 15. In 8 weeks time, we have had about 15 shootings on school grounds in the USA> we are not about freedom any longer.

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Mr. President...we don't need condolences and prayers. We need action to stop this now! My heart goes out to the families and young people that lost their lives in this deplorable act.

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Thursdays are hard.  8 weeks ago part of my heart went to heaven.  I miss my daughter everyday.  I have received a few signs from her which make me happy. I feel like i am  people: Kyle'smom trying to be here for him,  and niques mom waiting to see her again.  I don't want to leave Kyle,  he is only and still needs me,  but I cannot wait to see my daughter again. 

I am angry most days,  not at my daughter or God,  I am angry at all the people walking around being mad about stupid stuff.  I cannot Listen to them complain. Just sad today.

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I agree sorry, prayer and condolences do nothing to stop shootings. Take action and stop the sale of guns period. I don't want to hear guns don't kill people, people kill people. NOT TRUE people WITH guns kill people. It is another appalling tragedy with more families suffering the loss that we know only too well. So glad the UK has no guns here. Part of the problem is bullying which causes the bullied to rise up one day and take action in a defensive way and we need to start at the root of the problem to be able to prevent this. two of my kids experienced bullying and the problem of the bullies is never addressed they are not penalised in any way, it is the victim who has to attend classes and be known as a grass or snitch. Take the bullies out of school name and shame and force them to attend classes and change their attitude. Parents also need to take responsibility and face upto the fact their child is a bully and will not be tolerated in any school or place. The other part is the free availability of weaponry that is upto the president and Congress to change. Also the problem of kids wanting 15 minutes of fame in any way they can get it, wanting the infamy of being the most prolific killer. These kids have clear signs from early childhood that demonstrate cruelty, indifference and lack of empathy that need early intervention as soon as possible.

margarett you can do this I know you do not see any light or future right now that is totally appropriate for the stage you are at, but I promise you things will very slowly get better. I know that seems impossible and you feel yourself sliding further and further into depression and hopelessness but take heart from all the parents here that are survivors of loss. We too have been in that pit of hell we understand what others cannot.

peggy yes the heart is gone, it does not feel like it matters that you have other children and family members it will never be the same. However that in time will change and one day you will be able to continue on in a happier albeit changed way.

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Niquesmom-sundays are my days. Will be 8 weeks for us this Sunday. I find it more difficult this past week than before despite meds. I have 4 other living children so I know I have to be here with them but echo your statement I want to be with my daughter. They tell us it gets better in time...that's what I cling to.

I was mad yesterday at my daughter for putting out family through this i know it was unintentional but this has destroyed me. Damn stages of grief. Then I feel guilty. 

Your picture is beautiful your little guy definitely needs you. You are doing all you can. 

:)

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Yes Kate, so good to see you today, I knew that you were feeling as I do, that every time we have had a shooting like this, land this by the way is the 18th in just 6 weeks of 2018, the Republicans say it is too early to talk about gun control, well no, it is too fricking late. we are the only country to have this terrible issue, we sell horrid guns to just about anyone who wants it and these are assault weapons, and we wonder why we have all of these shootings when you see that these guns do not exist in other countries, they are not an option there, so there is relative peace with an occasional outbreak of terror, not these mind numbing weekly attacks.

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