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momofJustin

Loss of an Adult Child

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On 2/10/2018 at 7:46 PM, Tommy's mum said:

samantha the fact you felt strong enough to find us and are posting is great. especially as losing your son is still so fresh. Give advice if you have any or tell us something that has worked for you or touched you. Or just more about your family and of course your son. At the beginning you just want it all to go away, to hide yourself and lick your wounds and not have to explain or justify yourself to anyone. Relationships become fragile as you may both be on different paths and feelings get misinterpreted and hurt. Not every family is lucky enough to agree on all the details of services, burials,cremations, gravesites etc etc often people have very different ideas and it becomes a tough compromise. Some people shut down and cannot participate in any of it because they are holding on by a thread, others have very strong opinions and show more of the anger side. If there are ex partners also in the mix that muddies the water even more, I speak from experience on that one. My 3 adult children were all very different in their coping in the early days. Oldest daughter was enraged and angry with absolutely everyone for months ,even me, my middle daughter cried but could not cope with making arrangements for her brother's service  and later spreading of the ashes choosing to stand well away and observe and my youngest son was incredible for his young years he was 19 and finishing his second high school after moving down to live with me. he was by far the most understanding and dealt admirably with his angry father who kept whipping up storms with the girls which were unecessary. Now they feel fairly similarly and all have some sad times, but support each other. They have more anxiety than they had before and the sadness and regrets are mentioned a little more but not much is said sometimes the feelings run too deep to be verbalised. the grief is still there in them all. My son has managed to get 4 counselling sessions which I hope help him and make him realise that sharing is not being weak it is making him stronger for the future. The girls just work hard and push it down until it bubbles up and they will have a cry then pushed away again. It takes time my friends and cannot be rushed, you will get to be where you want to be when it is the right time for you.

dee yes hope is a lovely word. It means there is a way towards the light and life again, it means things will not always be so dark and hopeless, it means a change in attitude a new start, a new day after a weepy night. Without hope life is very bleak and cold.

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Thanks Tommy's mum

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Rebekah is absolutely beautiful.   What kind of doggie?   

XXOO. margarett 

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Thank you margeetx.

She had bought a small Chihuahua/yorkie mis Nov 14th. She was so excited she FaceTimed me she was crying the while time. I tried to talk her out of it..making sure she knew how much work pups are etc. We have always had a houseful so she wanted one of her own. She told me she got a deal on him...later after she passed away I found out she spent one her her entire pays on him. She loved him dearly. She said what are you going to get your grandson for Christmas etc. 

When I found out she died I instantly knew I had to get him. Luckily the police were able to track down where he went and a good family friend got him shipped home from Alberta to us.

He's a great distraction. I know how much she loved him. I take him almost everywhere that I go. I renamed him beck after her. 

The first pic is him.

The bottom is her with one of our family dogs. She truly loved all animals.

 

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It made a month today since  my son Anthony received his angle wings. I just can't stop crying & screeming. I cry cause I am so hurt in side & I screem because of my maddness in my mind. I hate the way I feel. Completely  out of control. I feel worse than ever. My mind is almost gone. I am trying my hardest to do it with out meds but I don't think I am going to make it. This is getting extremely difficult to handle. The pain, the fear, the thoughts become so raw. The pain robs me from my strength,  the fear consoles all of me & my thoughts take over my mind. All I have the strength left to do is curl up in a ball.                 Help Extremely difficult 

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I hardly know where to begin. January 16 2018, 2 policeman came to our door. My son lived in Wilmington about 15 miles from me and his stepmom in a group house he had just started managing. He had taken over the lease and was in the process of getting new roommates and buying furniture. The police asked me to step outside then asked me if I had a son named Adam. I was thinking bar fight arrest or something else, anything but what the officer told me. Adam had died in his house from what appeared to be an opioid overdose. That was a month ago tomorrow. It seems like 5 minutes ago. I knew he drank and smoked some weed, but I knew him or thought I knew him to be against anything heavier. We had had talks about how bad and dangerous the hard drugs were in this town. Now Adam's gone, forever. The grief and sadness washes over me constantly. He was my only child, and he's gone. He was only 33. 

Youll have to excuse my ignorance. I'm not sure if I'm creating a new post or responding to someone else's. My intention was to send my first post. Things are still a bit muddled.

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Adams dad my name is Peggy my son Ron passed away January 20th and I still dont know why. I don't know how we are going to survive. I have every emotion there is but I cry and scream a lot. He was 44 I'm just in another world. So sorry for you

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Adam's Dad, you found yourself posting in the correct place, we just wish that you hadn't had the reason...I am so sorry for your sadness, shock, and life long grief...this first month is horrendous, and several months will be like this for you and all of our Newbies, you have joined when so many other new to this grief have also joined. Take one breath and then another, eat small meals and drink plenty of water, this is just to keep you going...healing is the slowest progress and one should not expect healing in the same sense of healing from any other thing. One minute at a time, and yes, the time aspect of loss abstracts all time for me: 5 minutes ago, 5 years ago, and now 14.5 years ago for me and one other member here, Sherry. We are here to show you that you will make it to a new place, but it takes time and patience with yourselves. Time and deliberate work to find your way. Starting here is a deliberate act of survival, we are proud of you. Keep posting. Tell us all that you feel comfortable with. We get it.

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samantha, margarett, niquesmom and Rebekah's mom you are all struggling so much because it is early days. I am glad you joined us so you can express yourselves without making your family members more worried because we get the craziness that grief forces upon you. It is an agony of loss and yearning to have your child back that brings you to your knees, keeps you screaming in distress and breaks your mind. I lost my son Tommy in Aug 2015 he had helped a friend move into university dorms and after they had a few beers his friend Pat broke down and climbed out of the window 14 stories up and was going to jump off. he did have some mental health issues before. The police could not get near him so left my son and another friend try to talk him down. Realising that Pat was getting more and more distressed Tommy climbed out of the window and held his hand telling him he would not go in without him. After some time Pat agreed to come back in but when they were climbing back in the window broke and they both fell to the ground suffering multiple serious injuries. My Tommy did not make it although the Er staff fought desperately to save him but Pat survived. We had not seen my son for 4 years as he lived in Hawaii and we had relocated back to the UK and none of us had the money for a flight. Every night  I prayed I would somehow get enough to fly out and see him. The last time we saw him was in the funeral home it was devastating. Lost all faith in a god since I was told he had died and never set foot again in a church. My 3 other adult children had never been to a funeral or seen a body and found it very hard but were glad to see him and say goodbye. At first those images haunt you night and day,  but over time they are replaced by happier memories. You never ever forget how you felt back then and are amazed that you actually do survive the loss. Each year they are gone is different the grief is always there inside but the intensity lessens. Use whatever tools you need to keep yourself going your faith, community support, family friends, medications prescribed by a doctor but avoid excess alcohol and drugs they can become a crutch and then a problem.

adamsdad you are in the right place we all gather here to keep a continuous loop of posts and support all in one place. I am sorry for the loss of your son. My son had just turned 24. parents are usually the last to know when drugs or excessive alcohol are being used by their child because it is kept very quiet. The child knows it is not right or legal but use it to numb the emotions or escape from the pressures in their life and often have undiagnosed depression anxiety or other mental illness. There is still a stigma around mental health the sufferers are ashamed for not coping and are afraid of being judged. There are several parents on this thread who also lost their child to drugs and I hope you can connect with them. nevertheless all of us have lost a child/adult child and follow the same path through grieving. It becomes immaterial in the end how they died or even when. All that remains is a deep love and sorrow that they are gone from our lives that we carry to the grave.

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Ericasmom...thanks for your words of support. Last weekend we had a celebration of life here at our home for my local friends and family, most of whom came from out of town. Adam’s friends had a party at a local bar. They lined up four bands, made commemorative tee shirts, it was a great send off. I took some pictures and his ashes to the venue. His friends appreciated that. We have lived in Wilmington about 4 years and our circle of friends is small. Adam moved down here with us for a fresh start. He mostly did restaurant work since moving here and seems to know half the town. That’s the kind of guy he was. 

For me, the loss is so unexplainably deep and overwhelming.  My wife, who is Adam’s stepmom of 19 years, gets it, but doesn’t share it. She crys for my hurt and loss, while working thru her own. It is such a total mess right now. She can sense that I’m on a different level of loss than her, and it’s killing her. She has a son Adams age with type 1 diabetes. We always thought we would be getting a call about him being in a coma as he doesn’t manage his disease very well. Sorry...I’m rambling. I seem to do that a lot these days. It’s been one month today and the grief seems to be getting worse. 

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Adams dad I too lost my daughter due to what we believe from accidental drug overdose. She passed away Dec 17th not even 2 months ago at age 21.

The first month was a fog and still very much is. I remember the first week I couldn't even watch a tv show I had no attention span. It's still pretty limited now. I still cry daily, sometimes once sometimes a few times. I still get angry and ask why us why our lives. My husband said what Ericasmom said about the undiagnosed depression/anxiety he thinks she used alcohol and drugs as a way to cope or socialize. I too didn't know she was taking drugs either. 

I take each day at a time. 

She lived in Alberta and I live in nova scotia. We recently got all of her belongings home. I can't even dream of looking at them. I'm still too raw.

I'm glad I found this site, but wish with all I had it was for other circumstances.

Sarah  

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Adams dad.  So sorry about the lose of your precious son Adam.  The shock and denial can really take over sometimes in the beginning.  Sounds like your son was loved by so many.  Glad you had a celebration where everybody could share.  Inch along, one minute at a time and try not to look very far ahead right now.  

Rebekahs mom, Samantha, Margaret, Peggy, Adams dad, niques mom.  It has been so saddening to see all the new grieving parents. A club nobody wants to join and you can never leave it.  I wish I could take all your pain away. I wish I could speed things up to a day where you can hold your head up and feel the sunshine on your face again.  But unfortunately it is something that takes its time coming.  I’m six years in. I’m not really a newbie but not an oldie. But I can tell you that one day grief will loosen its grip a little. We will carry this to our grave but somehow we do find our footing again, albeit a little wobbly.  We just have to show our other children and loved ones it is ok to find happiness again.  It will never be the same. It’s like you have to reinvent yourself.  And all the questions about why us, why our kid, what if, if only I had of.  You can search the earth over and you will never get answers in this world anyway.  A lot of you will find that dear friends and family will start going back to thier lives one by one they will drop off.  I was hurt so much by that for years and now I don’t even try to make them understand cause unless it happens to them they never will.  But then I found this web site and nobody has ever said get over it, move on with your life, you should be ok by now.  No one here will judge you on how you grieve or for how long.  You will always be understood here. Even though it is not in person that we communicate I know I can always come here to feel a strong hug or someone holding my hand.  Grieving parents are the strongest people in the world.  Hang on everyone.

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i just want to comment but i just don't know what to say. we all know what it was like to see another parent suffer over the loss of their child we all thought we knew how they felt till now. we can't condemn any one else for not feeling it cause i never and i mean never knew this pain before. i would not wish this on my worse enemy. i thought it was over for me today. when i got home from work i was alone and i went and lied on my son's bed and i screamed and cried more than i have in the last 3 and a half weeks. it wouldn't stop . i just messaged my doctor to help me cause i know i can't do it alone. i am assuming for me for once i got lucky when i was screaming my husband walked in the door to calm me down. he was 4 hrs. early. yes we are the strongest people in the world cause nothing is worse then this. 

peggy

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You are right Peggy, we could never have aligned ourselves next to grieving parents the way it would be needed due to the fact that we just didn't know, how could anyone know unless they have also lost a Child? And we don't want them to know, God knows we wish not another person needed to know, but sadly, there will be more. And somewhere down that line, you will likely reach a hand out and lift a parent because you know.  Peggy, yes, scream and shout and rage and heartache all in one...it is horror, it is the very hardest and worst pain to feel and it is more real than we ever hoped to know, but it is not more real than our Children's lives...nobody, not even the AMTRAK train that slammed my daughter's car at a broken crossing, can take the facts away from HER life. Our kids are much more than the way they died.

 

 

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Adamsdad, by now you can tell you came to the right place and I am sorry that you suffered a loss so unimaginable.  There are so many compassionate people here who get how this pain crushes you. This is a group who will listen and be always ready to stand by your side, hold your hand or whatever your heart needs as you join the sad journey of grief.  . It can be filled with blocks of denial, and visions of moments and days when it just doesn’t seem real.  We think about the "what ifs," as our mind is trying to take in and process what happened. We want so desperately to be able to go back in time and change the outcome. At some point the shock wears off even just a little and it does start to feel real which often increases the pain for some and then there are whole moments and days when the pain is almost unbearable. There are people here who have walked in your shoes, are here to cry with you, scream with you, get angry with you, love, support and pray with you regardless of your circumstances and what and how you're going through this nightmare. Family and friends can be a big support but unless they too have lost a child, they don’t truly understand what you are facing. It is so important to try to take care of yourself even though it may be the last thing on your mind.  Give yourself time and space to grieve.  We learn to carry our grief inside of us.  And the grief DOES evolve.  But right now think only of getting through a day or an hour or if necessary, a minute.  You don't have to go through this alone.

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The puppy is precious.   It will give you so much joy....and, it will also be boundful with her memories.   Today is the dreaded Tuesday.   21 days since Jason died. In one sense, it seems life a lifetime ago; in another sense, it seems as if Mike is standing at my bedside, saying " take your medicine; Jason is dead."  Will I ever get that particular vision out of my head?   I will write more tonight.....Mike just brought food in from Jason's Deli..... of course.   XXOO margarett 

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I have never screamed, hollered, hit anything, beat on anybody.  I broke down at the cemetery last year and let out one big whale.  But no crying not even when she died or at the funeral,  not one single tear. It’s like I am a walking Skelton with no insides.   I have cried alone  to myself.  Does it make any sense though that my soul is silently screaming inside me.  Cause that’s how I feel.  I just can’t outwardly show it.  Is there something wrong with me ? 

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That is very strange I would say everyone is different. I have go through 5 boxes of tissues in 3 weeks. I can't stop crying. Before this though I only cried when I was alone. Now I just don't care. I hope your not holding it in I would think that isn't good. No I don't think there is anything wrong with you

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I remember thinking where’s the manual, the instruction book on what to do when your child dies.  But there is none.  I got all hopeful for awhile because I thought that if I could think of something to do that would please god so much he would bring her back.  Yes I really did think that for awhile.  That and I had every intention of committing suicide when I got home from the cemetery.  That’s the only thing I could say to her was I willl be with you soon.  So obviously those two ideas didn’t happen.  I always had and some days still think that I died that day too but they just forgot to bury me.  But see all you newbies I’m six years in and I have come thru all of that and you guys can too.  It’s just so raw for you right now.   I’m crying for you all right now cause I know this is just the first ripple in the ocean and so don’t want to think of anybody going thru this. Your right Peggy...this is the worst thing that can happen.  You guys have found this site early on, I so wish I had of but I’m just glad I’m here now.  Hugs to all Luanne.

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Thank you all so much for your expressions of support. I’d like to say that with each passing day things are getting more manageable, but it’s just the opposite. I seem to be more lost now than I was a month ago. My sorrow is greater, my grief more profound. I have doubts of my life ever returning to any semblance of normalcy. I cry all the time. Today is the one month anniversary of Adam’s death. The pain is sometimes more than I can bare. I hope I make it, for my wife’s sake. She needs me. I’m an aethist with no belief in an afterlife. This for me makes the finality of Adam’s passing all the more final. I harbor no illusions of a hookup in the afterlife. This is my belief system. Does this add to my sorrow? I think not. How can anyone be in more pain after losing a child. 

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I read and my heart just aches for everyone. Adams Dad and Rebekah's Mom, I vaguely remember being in your shoes, so fresh to this unbearable pain. My only child, Ian died of an accidental overdose a little over 10 months ago.  He was 30 and of course my world shattered. While I'm still very deep in the throws of grief, please believe me when I say hang on!  Day by day. Heck, minute by minute, really. I still feel that way. I wake up and say good morning Ian and tell myself " do the best you can today."  My first few months I sat alone in my house most days and either read, slept or cried. I found reading about the grief process to be very helpful. I also realized this was so much stronger than me and saw my doctor who prescribed an antidepressant. I was worried about not being able to feel, but I still do.  If you can, take FMLA and take care of yourself. I also saw a grief counselor from May-Sept. I'm thinking about going back. I found myself staring at my computer today for about 15 straight minutes because I couldn't remember what I was doing. Serious brain fog. Then on the drive home a song comes on the radio and here come the tears. I'm pretty new here, but every time I come on, I feel like " they get it...I'm understood and I find the words of those who have endured longer than us to be incredibly helpful.  I will also say I initially thought people would think less of me (and him) because his manner of death but I refuse to think that any more. The ME told us his heart was extremely large for a young man his age, upon initial report before toxicology report. His Dad and I both immediately thought, yes it was! That large heart spread lots of love and kindness around this world in those 30 years. THAT is what I choose to try and remember. Some days that is easier than others.  I still feel like Im walking around aimlessly with no direction but I am surviving. I isolate when necessary and force myself to interact with close friends only.  I dont want to, often, but for me it does help.  

Erikasmom and TearsinHeaven (and others Im soryy I cant remember) have great words of experience and encouragement.  I talked about hope in a prior post and Dee said she caught some flack for using that word early on. Hope is a powerful word and feeling. You dont have to feel it now ( because I sure didn't) but I have to have it at least once in awhile otherwise I'm not sure I could breathe.

I hope you find tomorrow to be as good as you can be. I'm going to try again.

Blessings, Mothership

 

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