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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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Michael Rodriguez

well jackie , i was also down yesterday !!!! decided to watch the SB all by myself. i just really miss B.

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Jacqueline3

Dearest Michael,

I am so sorry you had to watch the SB by yourself.  I know how much you miss B.   I miss Garrett so damned much.    It is difficult for me to do anything Garrett and I did together.  All I can think about is he isn't sitting next to me in the car or we aren't looking for raw material for his creations together and all the other things we did.   I miss going to look for those things with him.  We would go all kinds of different places looking for his supplies.   Today I feel even more hollow and life makes no sense.     I am thinking of all of you 

love and hugs,

Jackie

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NiquesMom

Jamie, I am so sorry you have suffered the loss of your son. When my daughter died, I sought out all the people that witnessed the accident. I thought it would make it better to know what happened. So I understand wanting to figure out the last days.  I hope you are able to get some answers soon.

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NiquesMom

Jackie and Michael, I am also in a state. But currently it's the loss of my husband bringing me down.

We went to a SB party and man, how my husband would have loved it. His team was the 49ers. He was much more outgoing than I was.  And then today at work they were talking about Valentine's Day and anniversaries, and I was sitting there trying to not cry. I was unsuccessful, and ended up crying in my office. 

Remembered all the holidays when we were all here, and how I miss who I used to be.

It's weird, but I am grieving nique and Christopher differently. Niques loss has become softer, but still jagged edges will poke me from time to time. Christopher loss is still in that wave period. So right now the waves of grief for Christopher are washing over me, and in the middle of that I will get a stab of loss of Nique.

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Jacqueline3

Hello to all,

The feed is quiet again.   I have been dealing with many emotions.   It is 30 months since I last hugged my Garrett and the pain and sorrow of that horrific fact has not left me.   I still feel as if there is a rabid animal that lives within my soul that claws and tears at the fabric of my being.   I miss my son with every fiber of my soul.   I cry every day and some times I feel I wont be able to stop.  I get through the emotions of every day yet there is no joy, no comfort.

 I have also been trying to find a way to deal with the rage and hurt I feel toward those I have trusted my entire life that have been so damned cruel and heartless to my family while we try to find our way through this unimaginable tragedy.   I never expect anyone to stop their lives and jump into mine trying to help yet the callus disregard for my family is repugnant to me.... especially when my family whom I always trusted and believed in have shoved me out of their lives.    They have said "they don't know how to help me so they don't" and  have left... My mum will call occasionally and tell me about my siblings children and how wonderful they are doing yet she ignores my children, myself.  My sister sends a generic "morning, have a good day" and that is the extent of her contact and my youngest brother is pissed that I mentioned spending the rest of my life missing Garrett and has not spoken to me in 30 months.  Sadly I lost my other brother to cancer a year ago, still several of his cruel heartless remarks linger.   I have come to the conclusion that I cannot forgive them and that realization sits heavily within my broken heart yet some of the things that were done and said are unforgivable.   several of those things were said and done as I tried to bury my child, in the Funeral home and at the Cemetery.   It was cruel and disrespectful to my Garrett and unforgivable.   It is a cruelty, I would have never expected from my family.    Joe's family has made no effort to make  contact at all.   That is no surprise, my beliefs have never matched their very strict religious and family rules.   They have on many occasions made it know I was not following the regimented rules.... yet to have such disregard for ones grandchild is unfathomable to me.

This life is truly one I do not recognize, it is broken, ugly, painful and unrecognizable .  I do not know if any of you have gone through the lack of care from others.   I am sorry if that ugliness has been added to your already insurmountable pain.   I swear my Mom has perfect timing... If I manage to find a smidgen of ground, that is when her occasional phone call comes and what ground I have gained is once again gone.  

I thank you all for listening... I just needed to talk.  This has all been heavily on my mind.

Thinking of you all.

Love and hugs,

Jackie

 

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Mason’s Mom

Jackie I hate how your family has reacted to your pain.  It is hard enough without feeling like you have lost them as well.  I know that I have stayed a part of this group because I believe we are all needing to feel that someone else shares our grief.  I no longer cry all the time like Roz has mentioned it is now a flat feeling.  I hurt and some days are worse than others.  Even during times of celebration or at times when I know I should feel happy it isn't the same  as before.  I hope you find some peace and comfort. 

 

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Jacqueline3

Thank you Carol for your kind words.   Hello to everyone,  I hope everyone is finding some measure of comfort.   That is a tricky one for me... I feel guilty if I find some measure of comfort.    I am working on that but it is very difficult.  Has anyone else found themselves irritated by another whining about hurting or aging or health.    I find since losing my Garrett I have no tolerance and it infuriates me to hear others complaining.   Garrett did not even get a damned warning..  

My son was 22 and was not given a choice for the abnormality he was born with that took his life.  We had no idea it was there.  I had taken him to the doctors and ER's multiple times in the last six weeks because he had an elevated heart rate.   The doctors sent him home every time... he is fine, even went to a cardiologist, same response.   Suddenly it all hit... he could barely walk, breathe and within hours he was gone.  It was as if someone hit a switch.   I am crying as I write this, god I miss my Garrett. Those horrible last memories are playing through my head repeatedly.   He deserved a hell of a lot better than he got.  The **** hand he was dealt infuriates me and no therapist wants to talk about that.

I am talking to all of you wondering if anyone else is suffering this scenario.   I tried another therapist and her patronizing look at grief made me leave.   I have anger and rage on many fronts and I know I have to sort them and deal with them.   I usually keep them to myself until I am home or by myself.  The last I heard from my family was "I had no right to be sad or angry.   Enough was enough, get over it."      That of course hit me like a lead balloon and I haven't spoken much to anyone except my eldest, yet she is bleeding again and that is very worrisome.

I am talking again trying to sort my emotions .... Thank you all for listening.

Love and hugs.

Jackie

 

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Hi Jackie,   the fact that you are finding ‘some measure of comfort ‘  is a positive and when you feel guilt about it that is so normal - I certainly have had to wade through that reaction too ( and still do).       We know how much we miss our lost children but when we find a morsel of joy or comfort , of course, it doesn’t diminish the sadness   but it tends to throw up misplaced guilt . 
Family and other people that we know sometimes come over as callous.     You can battle hard to get them to acknowledge your pain and show empathy but they may not be capable of any sustained understanding or interest in your misery.       With friends I have realised that my tragedy is not theirs  and I do think that  they forget  - if I mention David I can sense a little shock goes through them that they had , in fact, forgotten my child had died.       It’s so sad that some of your family is not a strength and comfort to you when you needed it the most - try not to dwell on it or burn a fury - you will be the worse for it.    Spend your energy on your girls and husband . 

 

And yes Jackie, it is bloody unfair that our kids have gone before us - it’s not right and it’s all out of order.   It can eat us up how wrong it all is for them and for us.     I’m surprised that a therapist wouldn’t discuss  those emotions with you .  They are very valid feelings and need to be explored not dismissed.      Is there any point in trying someone new ?    

I’m so sorry that your daughter is  unwell  -  the effort you will be making to be there for her is so  lovely .   For those of us that have surviving children making sure that we are giving them our love and as much care and attention as we always did has to be our  aim.    My girl is coming here on Monday - it is our delayed Christmas ( because of her husband breaking his neck before Christmas).    I went to the supermarket  today and it was a very strange shop with all the indulgences on a normal week.   I’m looking forward to spending quality time with her and I’ll make the best of it. 

I was just thinking about you and I’m acutely aware of how hard it must be to not feel anger as well as the grief.    The medical profession should take much of the blame and that is hard to live with and your extended family fell short and got it wrong.     Make the best of your weekend and take care. Love Roz x 

 

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Jacqueline3

Dearest Roz,

Thank you for talking with me and understanding.  I have been trying to find ways to direct the anger and hurt I feel  for Garrett myself and all of my family.  I know that kind of rage always hurts the carrier.   I hope you have a wonderful Christmas with your daughter and her husband.  I am so happy he is on his way to recovery.  I have been sitting up and looking at some of Garrett's drawings.   I always loved to watch him draw, he was always so pensive and happy then.  He would always let me see his art..  I miss that so much.   I keep hoping I will find a stash of his work that I have missed but sadly I don't think so... 

Love and hug to you and enjoy your family.

Jackie

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Michael Rodriguez

hello to everybody, hoping everybody is surviving ........been rather busy so i have not kept in touch.

enjoy, as much as possible, the weekend

 

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NiquesMom

It's been a hard couple of days.

Yesterday would have been my 18th anniversary with Christopher.

Today is my mom's birthday and the anniversary of my brothers death.

So many thoughts and emotions in my head. BUT my SIL and nephew moved in with us Saturday so I have not been able to sit stuck in my feelings.

So I guess that's a good thing.

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Mason’s Mom

I sent the applications for students to the schools today. Every year it tugs at my heart to see his name next to Memorial. It also does my heart good to continuecto honor him. Double edged sword.

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NiquesMom

I am so proud of you, to be able to honor Mason that way.

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Jacqueline3

Dearest Virginia, those dates, the special ones and the sad are so difficult and we dread them coming and feel guilty that we are relieved when they are passed.   It is the love that makes it so.  I hope you are feeling a little better.  I am thinking of you.

Dearest Carol,   It is an honor to Mason that you continue and help others in his name but I know it is difficult.   To give to others when we still want so much for our beloved children and miss them unbearably every second of every day.  I am thinking of you.

To all, I hope you are navigating this hellish road with some moments of comfort.   Our children are close... helping us to traverse this difficult journey... I believe that from the bottom of my soul.

Thinking of you all,

Jackie

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Dianas Mom

Tomorrow is my daughter, Diana's birthday. The 2nd year since her passing is coming up in April. I've been dreading both for weeks. This is the only place where  the anguish and sorrow I feel will be fully understood by others. I struggle through every day in this brutal journey of grief with a broken heart.  I talk to her daily, tell her I love her and miss her. She was a precious gift I was given and I am grateful for the years that she was here. She is free now and at peace. Thinking of you all.

Yvonne

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NiquesMom

Sitting in the airport waiting to board our flight to London ! Wish Christopher and Nique were here but all we can do is keep going! Peace to all of you dont hear from me for a while

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Jacqueline3

Happy Birthday Diana.     

Dearest Yvonne, Birthdays are so very difficult, as well as the day our blessed children were forced to leave.   Both bring back so many memories and equally so many sorrows.    I am thinking of you on Diana's birthday.    I got some cupcakes on Garrett's birthday and we each lit a candle and toasted with milk.   My precious son loves his milk.   I am standing with you and I will walk with you forward and on the Day you Diana had to leave you.   Love and hugs,

Jackie

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NiquesMom

Jackie, I thought of you today. Walking at Kensington palace, we saw Black and White birds and enjoyed watching them. Had to Google, I think they were magpies

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Changed

Virginia, so  you have landed and are out and about in London, well done.      I hope the weather stays dry for  you and you are able to enjoy everything your amazing trip has to offer. Love Roz x

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Mason’s Mom
On 2/29/2024 at 11:17 PM, Dianas Mom said:

Tomorrow is my daughter, Diana's birthday. The 2nd year since her passing is coming up in April. I've been dreading both for weeks. This is the only place where  the anguish and sorrow I feel will be fully understood by others. I struggle through every day in this brutal journey of grief with a broken heart.  I talk to her daily, tell her I love her and miss her. She was a precious gift I was given and I am grateful for the years that she was here. She is free now and at peace. Thinking of you all.

Yvonne

Yvonne,  I am sorry I missed Dians's birthday. The day has passed but I know missing her has not. Try to remember that precious gift the joy she brought to you.

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Mason’s Mom

Something just occurred to me recently.   A light bulb moment.  I often remind those who are grieving to take deep cleansing breathes. I even remind myself to do the same. What occurred to me is that is the same advice I was given for child birth.  Child birth is very painful and I tried the breathing technique for pain and wasn't impressed.  Now the times I stop to take in that cleansing breath doesn't rid me of the pain it helps me to move forward and face the minutes ahead of me. Strange how full circle every thing seems. 

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Changed

Dear Yvonne,    You are right that we all fully understand how sad and painful our lives become after losing a child.    We will face each day of each year for the rest of our lives missing them.    
The grief does not stay as raw as the early years  though but becomes a part of us  - something that we absorb .

The last part of your message was beautiful - that Diana was a gift and  you were grateful that you had her -  that is where the focus should be .    Perhaps that is where we can eventually feel some peace - when our focus is on their life and not their death and how it has left us - when the balance shifts.      Maybe that is it - the balance shifts and  we are able to genuinely see that their life was bigger than their death - we already know that but grief stops us from embracing it.   The shock and trauma has to have time to be processed - the blame, guilt, regrets and unfairness of it all need to be addressed 

I have had several years now since David died and i am aware of the changes in my attitude to that loss.    Just last week I was visiting Exeter cathedral - I was last there in 2016 , David died at the end of that year -  on that visit I’d left a written request for prayers for David  ( he was over in Australia, I’m in the uk)  .  On this recent visit I had to brace myself as I passed by that way once more - I  controlled my tears and steered my thoughts to what was about me and concentrated on that.   It did affect me  and I could feel a shift in my mood  but I was able to engage with others and not become overwhelmed.  I wouldn’t have been able to do that a few years back - we change.

peace to you , Roz x 

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Jacqueline3
On 3/3/2024 at 6:19 PM, NiquesMom said:

Jackie, I thought of you today. Walking at Kensington palace, we saw Black and White birds and enjoyed watching them. Had to Google, I think they were magpies

Dearest Virginia,   It means a great deal to me that the lovely birds made you think of Garrett and I.  I have found such a love of these flying creatures and  I thank my Garrett for showing me them...  I do hope you and Kyle are having a good time.   Christopher and Nique are with you as you explore these new sights

love and hugs,

Jackie

Thinking of everyone and hoping you are finding some comfort through the days.  

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Michael Rodriguez

we all have been kind of quiet. i was away again .....just wanted to say hello to everybody and see if every one was ok

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NiquesMom

Happy birthday Diana! I am sorry I missed the date. I never know how to feel, how to celebrate someone I miss so much. Most years I simply wish her happy birthday in my head.

But Everytime the clock is 5:28 (her birthday is May 28) I say hi nique, so I celebrate her every time I see that number

We spent 4 days in London, and are finishing 4 days in Paris. Tomorrow we fly to Scotland for 4 days, then Ireland for 4 days before going home.

This trip has been awesome, but the whole time I think "wow, Christopher and nique would love (or hate!) that!". So hard to experience these places without them.

I am not sure I am made to be a world traveler, but Kyle and I might try again in a year or two. It is exhausting trying to understand everything and gives me a greater appreciation for the immigrants in the US and how hard it is for them.

Tomorrow is mother's day in the UK, so happy mother's day Roz! Told Kyle I get two mother's day this year since we will be in the UK tomorrow.

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Michael Rodriguez
23 hours ago, NiquesMom said:

Happy birthday Diana! I am sorry I missed the date. I never know how to feel, how to celebrate someone I miss so much. Most years I simply wish her happy birthday in my head.

But Everytime the clock is 5:28 (her birthday is May 28) I say hi nique, so I celebrate her every time I see that number

We spent 4 days in London, and are finishing 4 days in Paris. Tomorrow we fly to Scotland for 4 days, then Ireland for 4 days before going home.

This trip has been awesome, but the whole time I think "wow, Christopher and nique would love (or hate!) that!". So hard to experience these places without them.

I am not sure I am made to be a world traveler, but Kyle and I might try again in a year or two. It is exhausting trying to understand everything and gives me a greater appreciation for the immigrants in the US and how hard it is for them.

Tomorrow is mother's day in the UK, so happy mother's day Roz! Told Kyle I get two mother's day this year since we will be in the UK tomorrow.

i am so glad you guys are enjoying that trip. i envy you so much, having all that bonding time with kyle while he is still only a child. i hardly see nikki. 

when things are quiet around here , i start feeling like if i am losing connection with B , you guys are my only " share my feelings" people. and even if sometimes i stay away , i do need to see these emails come in.

 

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Jacqueline3

Hello Michael,

I too think it has been so very quiet.   I am glad to hear from you, Michael.   I hope everyone is doing okay, I know good and great are things that are difficult to remember now.... at least for me..   I have bad days and really fucking, shitty days.  Those are my two options.     I am okay at the moment, I still cry every day and I miss Garrett so damned much.   It has been 2 1/2 years since I have hugged and kissed my boy... heard him laugh in that unique, wonderful way he has.  That thought makes me sick inside and I am crying again. 

I just came in from feeding our birds.... I am fighting huge flocks of European Starlings now.   Such beautiful birds but when the come in, they wipe my food out in a very short time and  those little creatures that are around all the time have nothing.   It is upsetting, I have to be on guard all the time.   Sometimes I feel as if even feeding the birds is difficult, there is always something taking my feed and the small measure of peace I can find sitting and watching them. 

Love and hugs to all.

Jackie

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Jacqueline3

Morning to all,

The feed is still very quiet.   I am thinking of everyone.... you are always on my mind.   I see all of the people around me except my daughter Jolene move on as if Garrett is a distant memory.   That both hurts and angers me, especially from my husband, younger daughter and mother.  Perhaps that is unfair but in truth I do not expect any of them to grieve as I am grieving  just show respect to Garrett.  He did not ask for any of this.   I will cry and grieve the rest of my life and my precious Garrett will always be right beside me... but respect for their son brother and grandson would be a comfort for me.   In all of their defense, I do not believe any of them can handle the loss and ugliness of losing Garrett. perhaps that is what I have to keep in mind.  In my defense, my emotions are so raw and close to the surface....   Actually I guess the core of it all is I have a long way to go in learning how to walk with my Garrett in this unwanted new life.   I cannot do as others have done, Garrett means everything to me.  I love him always and forever.  I will find my way and the two of us will live this new life together just differently    I am rambling, hope I do not sound too much like I am whistling in the wind.  

Love and hug to all,

Jackie

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Mason’s Mom

Jackie,  it has been quiet.  I know I don't feel like I have much to share right now.   Lots of things going on,  preparing for the yearly tournament to fund the scholarship.  Getting the scholarship applications and everything leaves me drained after a full day of work.  

My youngest finished her last semester of college in December however she will actually walk and get her diploma in May so I am also trying to determine how we will celebrate her accomplishments. 

I do think of all of you and hope we can find some peace and rest our weary hearts. 

Carol

On 3/9/2024 at 9:39 AM, NiquesMom said:

Happy birthday Diana! I am sorry I missed the date. I never know how to feel, how to celebrate someone I miss so much. Most years I simply wish her happy birthday in my head.

But Everytime the clock is 5:28 (her birthday is May 28) I say hi nique, so I celebrate her every time I see that number

We spent 4 days in London, and are finishing 4 days in Paris. Tomorrow we fly to Scotland for 4 days, then Ireland for 4 days before going home.

This trip has been awesome, but the whole time I think "wow, Christopher and nique would love (or hate!) that!". So hard to experience these places without them.

I am not sure I am made to be a world traveler, but Kyle and I might try again in a year or two. It is exhausting trying to understand everything and gives me a greater appreciation for the immigrants in the US and how hard it is for them.

Tomorrow is mother's day in the UK, so happy mother's day Roz! Told Kyle I get two mother's day this year since we will be in the UK tomorrow.

Love the way you see and react to 5:28

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NiquesMom

We are sitting in the airport, getting ready to fly from Scotland to Ireland.

Found out last night that our cat is going to need to be euthanized, or at least rehomed to a vet tech that can care for him. At the start of our trip, he rapidly declined. Severe and sudden kidney failure. My friends took him to the vet and they have been trying to get him to recover while we have been over here. It is sending me back to Christopher's time in the hospital: making decisions and hoping he will come home.

I am not ready for more grief, we have really come to love this cat, we believe Christopher sent him to us and cannot understand why he is being taken from us, we have only had him 1 year.

I guess in this life Kyle and I signed up for a large dose of loss.

I want to go home and see my cat.

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Dianas Mom

Nique's mom-----I'm so sorry to hear about your cat. Not being able to be home with him makes it that much harder. Our pets become family, they're a significant part of our lives and we love them dearly. I applaud you for doing an amazing job supporting Kyle through his loss as you are dealing with your own. I am thinking of you and Kyle and sending love and hugs to you both.

Yvonne

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Changed

Virginia,   It’s such a shame that you got the news about your cat whilst you are away from home - it must be very upsetting.     Safe journey home .   Love Roz x

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Jacqueline3

Morning to all,

I am thinking of everyone...  The days are still very up and down for me but I wanted those walking the same path as I, know that they are not alone.

Love and hugs,

Jackie

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Changed

Jackie,   You are right - this site is getting very quiet.      Finding something new to say is probably the reason.     I find that if I’m having a tough time I hold off saying anything too much here because   this page is open to anyone to read and not just those that I trust  .   That is the nature of it.    A few years back a mum we had posting was an author and when I put her name into Google to see her books up popped links to her posts here - portions of them as tasters - it felt very exposed.  
There is a change in you of late - a positive change.    Just the way that you can look at things now - it all takes a lot of painful processing doesn’t it ? 
love to you and yours Roz x

I have a very pretty, sweet gull who visits when no one else is about - Graciegull  I call her.   She is young but is nearly white now with her baby speckles still around her neck.  She waits quietly and is quite nervous - I give her a bit of cheese and she is so dainty with it .       Sorry about those starlings robbing your feeders .  Buggers! 

 

 

 

 

Jackie, you posted at the same time as me - in cync.  ( that isn’t how you spell it is it? )

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Jacqueline3

Dearest Roz,

I am sorry about the writer that violated everyone who was writing at the time.  That is unforgivable.  I have found some positive movement forward, however I have always said I would not do so without my Garrett and I have kept my word to my precious son.   I could not live with myself had I not.  Losing a child is so very difficult and the hardest part is no one can tell you how to navigate this ugly road, you have to find your own way despite others being able to share insight and suggestion.   Also there are those that find nothing you do to help yourself to be correct and they can be a blinding, hateful obstacle.   I truly believe the path one takes is a unique and special as the bond between parent and child.   I believe we all must follow our gut instincts and do that which is right for us.  

I have been chasing off the starlings Roz and I think they are afraid of this crazy woman who comes flying out of the house waving a stick and yelling.   At one time I would have cared what people thought now I don't give "a rat's ass" (My Dad's favorite saying) what they think.    Stragglers  if starlings only come now.... I hope it stays that way.   The bluebirds, robins and  flickers are back.   I am excited for my other summer birds to return.   I love your Graciegull!   There is such a peace with the birds.   I am excited though, that I saw Gertie (the big wild turkey) for the first time the other day in a very long time.   I was afraid the hunters had gotten her, but she was running behind the tree in her wild, nutty way flapping her wings.     Good to hear from you Roz... I always enjoy talking.

Love and hugs,

Jackie

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Changed

Jackie - it wasn’t the writer who used the posts it was that they were found by Google because her full name was on here  ( the name I’d searched for ) - just like someone else sharing the same name  showed up on the search.   If that makes any sense.   It wasn’t her fault at all .   I think that is why the original core of posters ( long before us)  talked privately when more appropriate to do so ( via emails etc.) whilst still supporting others on here. 
  Good for Gertie - keep flapping girl.      Roz x


 

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Jacqueline3

Dearest Roz,

That is fucking worse.  but I can see it happening...  It makes me sick the amount of people who will use other's pain.... for their own amusement or gain.

How are you feeling today?   After talking with you yesterday, I had one of the worst meltdowns I have had....  the emotions are such a rollercoaster ride and not a fun one.  

Love and hugs,

Jackie

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NiquesMom

Hi all,

We got home late last night. 4 countries, 18 days 

It was a good experience, made me realize we are braver and more capable than I thought we were.

I have been reading but not posting because I took feel like I don't have anything new to say.

I am hoping to get to see our cat this week before he dies.

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Jamie S.

I am new on here and don’t comment a lot.  But I am reading everything.  My son passed away last October.  You all seem to know each other really well.  My son’s birthday is coming up in April.  I have planned out everything in want to do in his memory.

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Michael Rodriguez
21 minutes ago, Jamie S. said:

I am new on here and don’t comment a lot.  But I am reading everything.  My son passed away last October.  You all seem to know each other really well.  My son’s birthday is coming up in April.  I have planned out everything in want to do in his memory.

hi jamie s. , my sons angel date was april 14, 2021 .....so, april will be a tough month for both of us. his first b´day, which was only a couple of months after he left us (06/19 ) , we still had him in a grave , so ifixed his grave with balloons and kept them over night , following morning i believe it was, took them all off and let them fly into the sky. 

i do not think i ever cried in my life as much as i did that day , or felt so much pain as i did that day....i am not telling you all this to scare you or anything , i am just telling you that this will be year number 3 for me , and although a day does not go by that at least one tear come out , you slowly learn to survive with the pain.

you mourn with an ever not so often smile on your face or the ocasional laugh. but you survive, even though at times your pain just comes back with intensity that it almost unbearable. 

so just try to take it easy....no idea if i just made it worst for you 

 

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Jamie S.

Michael, thanks for your comments.

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Jacqueline3

It is good to hear from you Jamie,

I know you do not post much but I was hoping you were still reading with us.   I think I first posted here about four months after I lost my Garrett.   I was not getting support from many here and I was so shattered and broken I wanted to end my own life.   Suicide was a thought that had never crossed my mind before.  My two girls were the only thing that stopped me.   I have three children two girls and one boy.  My Garrett is my youngest and he was my big surprise.  After years of fertility problems he showed up all on his own when I was almost 40.   

I so desperately needed to talk and I just poured everything out and hoped someone here would understand and they did.   We do understand your pain and  this path that we have all been forced to walk.  I still cry every day yet slowly I am slowly learning to walk with the pain...  I do believe our children are close,  I have seen, felt and heard too much to believe my Garrett is not with me.   I am glad you have your son's birthday planned.... Do what feels right for you and for your boy.   I am a firm believer that to survive this horrible tragedy and pain we must do what feels authentic to ourselves.  Follow you heart.    If you are comfortable I would like to ask your son's name and his birthday and How old he will be.   If it makes you uncomfortable to say I understand.

Love and hugs,

Jackie

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Jamie S.

Jackie, my son’s name is Zachary and his birthday is 4/30/90.  He passed away at 33.  He struggled with alcoholism and addiction for many years.  His cause of death was fentanyl.  In some ways, his death brought relief from all the worry and fear we constantly lived with.

i have an older son and a younger daughter.  I try to stay in constant touch with them.

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Jacqueline3

Dearest Jamie,

Thank you for sharing.  I am thinking of both you and Zachary.   My eldest girl was brutally assaulted  and had drug and alcohol issues after.  She was clean but relapsed when we lost Garrett (He passed from an abnormality to his liver that we were not aware of)  He was fine and suddenly he was not.  It happened so quickly and I still feel such a profound shock and vacant vacuum in this new life.   He was 22 at the time he was forced to leave.   Jolene has now been sober and clean for two years.  I am proud of her.     It is all so very difficult learning to live in a world we do not recognize or like.   It is no longer ours since such a large, wonderful, irreplaceable part of it is missing..   I am thinking of you.

Love and hugs,

Jackie

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Mason’s Mom

Jamie, didn't post anything for months after losing Mason. I couldn't get it written through the tears. I understand staying in  contact with our surving children. I have 3 children as well. 2 girls and Mason my only son and middle child. We have created a bond amoungest us. We all have common ground as grieving parents. Roz and Virginia were her

e before me and have offered comfort. Jackie, Michael and others have since joined offering their insight and as all of us seeking understanding of the painful journey we didn't plan.  As we talk about our kids I feel I know their children. I see things and I think about of them.  I think it helps to share little things about them. I don't want Mason to be forgotten and it helps to just talk freely about him.

Virginia, you are brave and strong. I get upset sometimes when someone tells me I am strong, so please don't take offense. I feel I don't have a choice but I do think you are brave and I respect you

Peace and comfort to all. 

Carol

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NiquesMom

Hi Carol,

I hate being told I am strong, but I know I am.

I onboarded a new faculty member today and his name was Mason, and I thought of you the entire time.

He is 364 days older than Nique, their birthdays almost the same. Felt like our kids saying hello.

Jaime, I dont post a lot anymore, but I am always reading. I know how hard the birthdays are, says when we want to be happy but are also so incredibly sad. Just know we all understand and are hugging you from a far.

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I feel like my strength is being tested

I have a new faculty member to onboard and she goes by Nique

I know this is a sign but I am afraid I will cry trying to talk to her

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