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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
momofJustin

Loss of an Adult Child

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The moon was glaring into the windows last night Kate, so bright and full, a super moon to start the year. It is 0 degrees again this morning though is supposed to climb to 14...I may forgo the gym in hopes of dressing for the weather and a nice walk or two...I really miss being outdoors but I am lucky too, to have a gym to attend. It is cloudy and trying to snow but the cold prevents much moisture for the most part. We had the kids over for a couple hours yesterday just so they have a change of households in this cold-can't -get-out weather. We had fun, they made the applesauce for dinner and we played and colored and had fun. In many ways, better this weather now on school break, even though I hate not getting out, but if school were in session, we would have had many days called off due to too cold for kids on bus stops. Then we would have to tag those days onto the end of the school year in June. (This is me trying to be positive).

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Louanne, I am so sorry for the loss of your father but Kira truly was there to reach out her hand and take him into her embrace.  I certainly agree with Lesley that some people have anger jump out because they cannot accept grief.  I am sorry it was taken out on you. You are fragile and need to take care of yourself. And that beautiful big moon that was out last night... before I went to bed I swear I saw a beautiful young girl and her grandfather dancing in its light.

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I am so grateful to have found this forum, like many of you, the holidays were difficult.  Christmas has been a tough time for me anyway, but this year, especially.  We lost Parkeker on December 3rd, unexpectedly.  One minute he was fine, happy, healthy, and the next, I got the dreaded knock on the door at 3am from the sheriff’s deputy.  My oldest son and I are the surviving members of our family, and we also have my significant other, who was not Parker’s father.  That’s a complicated story which I’m not up to sharing at this time.  But The three of us actually decorated the house for the first time in over 5 years, in Parker’s honor, and that did feel good.

But putting those decorations away, the home made ones, the boys had made, the crazy silly ones, and even the broken ones I haven’t been able to part with, all bring back so many memories.  I finally got them carefully packed and put away, only to have yet another huge crying session.  It seems so impossible that Parker isn’t here, and it feels so wrong, so terrible.  We feel like the worst thing that could have possibly happened, has happened, and we can’t even figure out which end is up.  It’s like nothing matters.  Except that many things do matter, we have each other, and we have a (mostly) loving family who have been incredibly supportive.  Now its just getting through each minute that we ca’t seem to figure out.  

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Oh Sweet Mom of Parker, your Dear Boy is so handsome smiling out at us, smiling out at you all the time, forever smiling on You and his Brother. I know that this isn't enough, we all know that, that the loss that knocks our lives way out of orbit, out of kilter will make little to no sense for a long while and when you can put it together somehow, there will remain a huge pain in your lives. I love however that you know that there are still things that matter...that is a very important acknowledgement. You and your Son and significant other will travel many painful roads as you try to reconcile life without Parker physically in it, please know that we get that and we don't scare easily so please tell us all you can and want when it works for you to do so. How old is your Older Boy? How  is he doing? Did your Son have a seizure condition or was this random? I am so sorry Sweet Mom, and I am so glad that you found us as we are a very large family of sorts, at all different places in this grief. I have been here for 14 years as a means at first, like you, to find others to learn from, to be enveloped by, to weep with, and to put my life back together in some way with, but then stayed and stayed as it continues to feed my spirit in different ways to be here. When we reach out to help lift the next person up, we heal too, while doing for you and others what past members did for us. This feels like one thing I can do to honor my Girl, who died when a train hit her car at a broken crossing in Kalamazoo, Michigan where she was living at the time. We live just outside of Chicago. She and my Son were living there together with friends and taking a few classes. That was in 2003. I have not had a day since that I don't talk aloud to my girl, feel her nearby quite often. I promise you that at some point in your lives, you will laugh again and you will find happiness again, things will make sense one day, but grief will always be a part of what your heart will hold. Your heart will make accommodations for the grief, it will get tucked in right next to the joyful parts, and you will integrate these two side by side. I implore you and your family to be watchful of how you take care of yourselves...eat proteins and fruits and drink plenty of water and stay hydrated...I also caution you to understand some of the changes that may affect you over the next few months; shock will wear off in layers...generally we don't even kn ow that we are still protected some by it, until we shed a layer, and we are raw for a time, feeling that we have taken 10 steps backward...you will ache with it but you will be doing what we have all done, and after that first layer sheds, another will some months later, and finally at about a year, most or all of that shock is gone. We readjust with each shedding, and as much as we hurt, it is the process of deep mourning to do this. We are here to bounce off of. Hold on.

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Hi Dee,

 

Thanks so much for your kind words.  It does really help connecting with others who have had this experience. Parker started having seizures when he was 14.  He was put on a seizure medication that he reported as making him feel strange.  He complained of it often, but the doctor said he needed to take the medication anyway.  He was’t Terribly receptive to much of anything (the doctor).  Parker had struggles of his own in other ways through his teen years, many of which didn’t help him with the seizure disorder.  He eventually got to a place in his life where he was doing well again.  It was a rough ride.  

But through it all, he never did get the relief he needed, and never did quite get the seizures under control. He’d had many over the years.  Last year, much against his wishes, I tried really hard to help him by seeing a different neurologist, who had him try other medications.  The medications resulted only in serious mood problems, which he’d reported with that first medication.  He hated how they made him feel, and struggled emotionally with the side effects.

He started trying to treat it himself using CBD (marijuana is legal in Colorado), which helped, probably as much as anything else he had tried.  But he refused to go t the neurologist, as he said he totally lost trust in him.  He had a seizure just before Thanksgiving, and the emergency room was angry with him for not taking the prescribed medication.  He and I even had it out a bit just before Thanksgiving, but then we ended up dropping it, because it didn’t matter.  He spent Thanksgiving with my Dad and stepsisters, and my older son (age 26) and I visited my Mom in Washington State for Thanksgiving.  It was a really good holiday for all of us.  IN the time between then and December 3, he straightened out all of his relationships, got right with me, and was actually really very happy.

His last hours on this Earth were spent consoling a homeless man, who’d lost his wife and son recently, as well as having found out he was dying of cancer.  Parker was like that, he’d spend time helping people who needed someone, regardless of who they were.  If someone needed an ear, Parker was there for you.  He was pretty unconventional in many ways except when it came to love, and of that, he had so much to give.  

I was notified two days later, and it was confirmed that it was in fact a seizure.  I know there really wasn’t anything anyone could have done about it, but it is still so hard.  Doctors don’t really know much about seizures, and don’t often share how dangerous they can be.  Regardless, what I do know is that I gave him the freedom he so badly wanted in his life.  I also know that nothing would have stopped this, although I still play the “what if” game in my mind a lot.  Parker was a beautiful soul, still is.  We have had many dreams, strange experiences and basically contacts from him, letting us know he is safe and loved, and he regrets nothing in his life.  IN this way we’ve had many gifts.  It’s still just so hard, though.

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Dee, Kate and Lesley I’m still under the consultant urologists at the moment but feeling so much better. I have to be careful and they are keeping an eye on me but I’m recovering well thank you. 

Christmas was hard because it was always such a special time in our house. I miss that feeling but I made an effort for my girls and my granddaughters. We stayed with my oldest daughter who lives in London about two and a half hours away she wanted us to stay the night which was hard for us as we go to the grave everyday but the Priest at the church said he would light James’s candle and sit with him so that we could go.  We started the day early as I wanted to go to the grave before we left and we always go to the scene on Christmas Day as well so it was different for us this year because we left our safe place and faced the world but we had so many signs from James and I felt in my heart that he was happy we’d gone. 

These are my two granddaughters definitely heaven sent. I thought I’d share the story too. God Bless everyone be safe Georgina xxx 

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Georgina, that story is beautiful, I am crying at the beauty in those words and sentiments. And those Girls! Oh my goodness, such beauty in those two faces. Such pretty eyebrows, dark and expressive...My Girl had eyebrows like those on both girls. I am so proud of you and your Husband to travel outside of your comfort zone in order to celebrate the holidays with the family. And that you had/have signs of James being happy that you did makes it all the more wonderful. Glory. Pure glory. Keep taking very good care of you please.

Parker's Mom, it sounds like Parker really had his share of difficulties with his seizure issues, and sadly, I know the meds don't feel good to most who have seizures. It is hard for teens and young adults to feel compelled to take meds that feel anything but wrong in their systems. Pot helps many with a variety of medical issues and I would have tried that as a helpful aide as well, plus, I loved pot most my life until I developed an allergy to it. I see it as much less harmful than drinking. I am glad that you and your Son had a good talk at thanksgiving, that he enjoyed his time very much and you yours. I am very glad too, that you have felt signs and messages from your Sweet Boy. Good. It is hard I know, we know. Nothing more difficult. NOTHING! Parker sounds like so many other sweeties here, good to others and helping out whomever is at need. God bless that sweet spirit.

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My family have said I took away their right to see my dad die peacefully allow my mom her time and I did not think of my mom at all. They turned my dads death bed into a bar room brawl. Grabbing me, yelling at me, making me leave the room. It was my daughter in that room taking her grandpa to heaven, my daughter, not theirs. They took a precious precious moment with my dad and daughter away from me. A moment I can never get back. The saddest thing is my sister who lives in another province and was not able to be there has been the only support for me, has stuck by me but they must have told her a whopper of a story cause she is choosing their side.  So didn’t just lose my dad but my whole family.  I sat by my dads side too, I sang amazing grace, Jesus loves me, read my favourite bible passage. While he was still awake we talked about Kira a lot how beautiful heaven would be. I am the one who when I told me he has to look after her gave him such peace and a new mission. I did that. He clung onto Kira’s picture and an angel I gave him. I should be happy my dad is no longer suffering and he is with my Kira.  Instead I am just hoping I’m allowed to his service Friday. I know I gave everything to make my dads passing as peaceful as I could. So I am just trying to hold onto that. I will not let them take that away from me.  They have been lousy to me the last six years, but never every thought they had this kind of cruel ness in them. My Kira grabbed my dads frail hands and took him to his new home in heaven. And my dad will look after her like he promised.  Nobody, but nobody will take that away from me. Thanks for all your support. Pray for me that I will get to my dads service Friday. I hope they don’t do anything in front of my boys.  

 

 

 

 

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Oh Georgina, just look at the sweetness of those little beauties! You must be bursting with pride. Enjoy every minute you can with them. They grow up so quickly. I'm really happy to hear you are making progress. Good news all around.

Parker's Mom, what a fine looking man Parker was. It sounds as if he had a heart of gold. Hang on with both hands and know that we are all here for you.

Tina, I really hope that the past couple of days have brought some relief to you as you start another position. How do you find it so far?

LouAnn, I will be thinking of you on Friday as you say your final farewell to your father. Try not to allow these family dynamics to take over from the real issue at play here. Your Mom will need all of the support she can get. Just focus on the fact your Dad is now free of his pain and with Kira. Try to remain calm and say your farewell in peace. We will be thinking of you.

Leah, how are you feeling these last few days? Did you manage to make it to the doctor? These chest infections can really take a toll on you. Hopefully they have given you an antibiotic. Take care of yourself and stay warm.

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Parkers Mom,

Welcome to a place where we share our feelings, pitfalls, crying sessions, and good times.

Parker sounds like a wonderful young man.  My Brian was a bit of a risk-taker, and that eventually led to his death via a vehicle.  

How our children died does not matter here.  We all took different paths to get to the same place.

My Brian was just fun.  He was funny and a wrestler.  He was 82 lbs as a freshman and took 2nd out of 5 boys where the minimum weight was 102.  He was very coordinated and fun to watch. He had a lot of fun in his short life.  He was our family's funny-bone.  We have learned to laugh again, but it is different now.

2018 will be 10 years since I saw my boy.  I seem to be very emotional and I am hoping that subsides.

Thanks for listening

Colleen, Brians Mom forever

 

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Colleen, let your emotions run, they need a way out or they would not be showing up...10 years is a benchmark number, and those benchmarks do hit us differently...they hold that holy-crap number in them, and that alone can make you more emotional.

Louanne, please do not lose sight of the whole thing...your Dad passed and is peaceful now, your Mom will need support, and your siblings???well they are who they are, you can't change them, just as they cannot change you. Let that anger go if you can, it will not be good to take it to the services on Friday. Life will move on and chances are, your siblings will move on without a notice...your Sis who used to support you may reach out but she might not. You will have to figure out what to do with that but not now. Everyone is raw. Let it be for now.

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Brendon&Jordi

i wouldnt harm the murder ( ess ) . her and her accomplices are facing 45 - 65 in indiana and must serve 75% . my son was lured out by one and ambushed by another , that could be considered " laying in wait and is a capitol offence in our state . i want them in prison  for most of their lives then kicked out on the street when theyre too frail to thrive . heres some pics of jake , nick , and my ink tribute to jake .nick.thumb.jpg.6cedde077f3691c379fd5686afc25f80.jpg20161007_170258.thumb.jpeg.05e68834b47d8dcfad59231b53711bf1.jpegJacobSearcy.jpg.6b57a650b143c610872fc35b2840eb61.jpg

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Colleen, I am so grateful for your response.  And I don’t think it ever goes away.  I read somewhere that you don’t get past it, a dear friend of mine, who lost one of her sons, said you don’t deal with it, I think instead you learn how to carry it with you.  It has been a month as of yesterday.  I re-read the journal I wrote (I have been keeping a journal for many years now) the day after he’d past, only I didn’t know it yet, when I’d written it, and I noticed that he was specifically in my prayers that day...and the next.  I think it is because we love them so much that we grieve so hard, and 10 years is a milestone, but it doesn’t make the pain go away, nothing will ever do that.  I think about Parker every second of every day.  Today I am going to try to think about the beauty he inspired in others, the incredible intelligence he had, that joy he felt.  That feels better to me than the “what if’s” I’ve been carrying around lately.  I wish pray and hope for a good day for you today.

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Bob, what a beautiful Grand-boy you have in Nick. He looks a lot like his Daddy and so your heart must leap each time you see him. I hope that the conviction goes well adn that the folks that did this to your Boy sit in jail for that long long time.

Parker's Mom, grief is lifelong, and we do learn to knit it into our lives, Erica goes where I go...she always will.

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Bob,

What a beautiful tribute to Jake, it's very well done.  I also got a tattoo to commemorate my son's passing and it means a lot to me. I see it all the time and it's a reminder that I carry him with me in everything we do.  As parents we expect to mold our children into what we hope for them, and often we don't realize how much of an impact that child has had on our own life and personality.  When a child passes, we know for certain because of the dent that is left in our soul where we used to carry them close.

Dee,

I feel that too, that Nate is always with me wherever I go. His impact on my life is a source of grief but also of inspiration and hope. He was always on me to be healthier, to eat healthier and to exercise more and I never listened. Now that he's gone I am making those changes and it's become part of my healing process. I get healthier all the time, and the ritual of running that I am doing often now has become my meditation and reflection time to start my days. Most of my running playlists have a song that Nathan liked in them, as a source of energy. I am running a 5k in Chicago for St. Pat's Day and a 10k with my sister the following month. It feels good to know that he's there cheering me on still.

The moon was spectacular on New Years Eve, and the next day my family went to serve dinner at the soup kitchen near our house as has been our tradition since Nathan was young. We all stared up at the moon afterwards as a moment of silence just to hear him laughing among the stars as he so often does.

Louanne,

I am very sorry for your loss and the way you are being treated by your family. It's so hard to lose a parent, and it's felt pretty deeply for you since you also lost Kira and they just can't understand. It must feel very isolating, but I am glad that we are here for you to talk to. I can't imagine the pain you're going through, but I know that you can get through it. Sometimes we have to learn that just because we are related by blood, doesn't mean we have to put up with toxic behaviour and diseased minds.  I've done really well once I have stop talking to certain members who would rather judge and condemn what they don't know rather than try to understand and sympathize.  You simply don't have time for that in your path, it will only trip you up and drag you down.  You do you, and don't let anyone dictate to you what you should feel or how you should act.  Your boys will always hear things that they shouldn't but you raised them and a mother's love is stronger than any gossip or vitriol. Hugs to you in your time of added grief. I am thinking of you.

Parker's Mom,

I'm so sorry for your loss. My son struggled to find his footing for many years as well, and it was a very rough ride. It seemed like things were looking up and he was putting things back together when tragedy struck at only 20 years old. So young, and it's so painful to lose a child so suddenly. All your hopes and dreams for them, and their physical presence just gone in a moment. I am sorry you've had to walk in these shoes that we wear, but I am glad you came here to share with us and I hope we can be a source of comfort to you as we all share our stories. Much love to you in this rough time.

Georgina,

Those curls... you have lovely grandbabies. Thank you for sharing that story, it's beautiful. Glad to see you up to posting and I am hoping that 2018 brings you much health.

Colleen,

10 years is a long time, to me it feels so far away from where I sit at the 1.5 year mark.  I can't even believe it's been a year and a half. As a grieving parent, I feel like time sometimes isn't linear, it's a construct of emotions. Some minutes feel like days and some days flash by in a second. I wish you much joy and peace as you go into 2018.

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parkersmom it is a lifetime of grief but you learn to accomodate it and carry it with you over time. You are still so new to this and i so wish I could just tell you it will be ok it will be easy, but this is a forum powered by truths not the platitudes of people who mean well but dont get it. This is real and raw and honest. Everyone has some different struggles or strategies or stories to tell but we are all united in being bereaved parents. it does not matter how your child passed or how long ago, it just matters, and we try and support each other through the difficult times and the smaller happier times, lifting each other up. Every single child lost matters, every life that was snuffed out too soon is a tragedy. here we can share as much or as little as you want many members just read posts without commenting because their voices and souls are still too choked and by writing the words the reality sets in. Actually the more you write and practise saying the words "my child died or I lost my son/daughter" helps and eventually you will be able to have a short conversation without breaking into tears every time just sometimes. talking therapy is very healing as is writing therapy and some feel safer with the fairly annonymous format there is here. however true friendships are formed as you get to know individuals here and some of our longest members stay because they still want to help others. It is a true community with one sad entry to join. Parker is always with you he is not gone you just cant see him for now, but he is always by your side.Take it a few minutes at a time and a day at a time it is a long journey. I am over 2 years on from the loss of my son and still find the Xmas tree with all the handmade kids decorations and memories attached difficult to deal with. I allow my self time, wrap each one carefully and remember other times which were happier. I cry too but that is ok it is understandable. It will all be put away until the next Xmas and by then you will have come a year further on.

louann I agree with my friends that anger and a feeling of injustice is the wrong thing to take to a memorial or service. You may well have been denied of what you wanted and i do understand that but your fathers death really affected others too. They also are hurting and a bit lost and maybe the family protective shield came up to guard your mum. Your mum had the right to be alone with her husband for a while if she wanted that because she had your dad in her life the longest. Then you and your sister and families and that includes brother in laws. I get how you feel you were denied being there as he passed but just maybe the other family members felt it best to spare your mum the sadness you were showing. Protectiveness is always an act that is meant to show love. Maybe your family felt it would push you emotionally over the edge reminding you of Kira's death. Whatever the reason my dear it is done nothing can be changed so harboring resentment and anger is only going to harm yourself more. Sometimes you have to bow to other people's wishes because it is a compromise between very different personalities and their different desires. My ex husband wanted a burial but the children and I over ruled because we knew what Tommy wanted, he wanted hymns and prayers which none of us wanted because Tommy was so young and not religious so I had to battle to get a hymn and one prayer in for my ex, whom incidentally I loathe, because it is about compromise. I wanted some of Tommy's ashes to scatter locally, and my kids refused so I had to deal with that pain because my relationship with my living children means more to me that my own wants. Not saying that was easy it certainly wasn't and I still feel a bit cheated inside but my kids are happier that way so oh well. We still have not worked out the details of a memorial plaque to be put somewhere close to where I live because we all need some time to think about and agree on a design and place and wording. I know we will all feel differently about this and there will have to be compromises so that we can all feel that we have been heard and considered and that no one feels shut out. That is a tough task for 3 young adults and me to agree on one simple item which holds such importance to us all.

georgina I too had tears welling up at that story thanks for sharing and hope you are ok. You only need to go to James' resting place every day if you want to and are well enough, he is by your side always so he will not mind at all if you cannot always go there. You hold him in your heart which is where he always belonged. Spending special time with family is what James would like best of all for you guys to do I am glad it was so successful and heart warming. Those little girls are adorable!

colleen 10 years is definitely a bench mark but your words about brian and the positive attitude you have is something I strive for, I will beat this demon grief some day.

dee medical uses for pot are always being discovered I hope the UK one day will legalise it and banish the synthetic versions which are killing people regularly. Even though I am a former nurse I definitely advocate it and yes it is much less harmful than alcohol.

bob that photo is just so gorgeous. I am very impressed with the tattoo likeness it is uncanny. What a skilled artist. I still want a tattoo for my Tommy but have not yet found "the right one" I  will know it when I see it and it will be my first inking. Are the guilty persons in prison now? I was under the impression they were free before?

 

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Bob,

what a great tattoo.  Faces can be difficult, but yours is spot on.

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

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11 days of temps that are very low, tomorrow will match the longest stretch of days like this...At least it is sunny, but oh so cold. A coopers hawk has been hanging out, which is a delight to watch but of course he is here to feed on birds that are at our feeders...oh the dilemna of feeding birds in the winter.

Hope Everyone is doing as well as they can, thinking of you all. Tina, how is the new job?

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Quiet days around here...my last real day of winter break. Pipes burst at school so if they get it fixed, back to school on Monday.

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Thank you For the lovely comments my precious grand daughters give us purpose make us smile heaven sent without a doubt. They are a couple of beauties xx 

I’m trying so hard to take theses steps I guess it helps that I’m not so ill I feel like I’ve been running on empty for so long now and starting to have a bit more energy which is helping me cope better. 

I so much want Justice for James but the battle is so hard to fight. Every which way We turn we’re stopped and let down by the system and it takes it toll  grinds you down and down to nothing and with the added despair and heart wrenching grief it’s hard to bare. Going over and over every detail is braking me and my husband. I’ve appealed the latest reports and I will keep going but the police are so good at covering their tracks when their in the wrong. Did I tell you our Solicitor who’s helping us got a private detective to look into things. He said the police did an appalling investigation and went from A to G instead of A to Z hard to hear when it’s your beloved child whose been mowed done. 

Thank you for all your support your my family now God Bless Xxx

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Well it’s over. I whispered in my dads ear thank you for looking after Kira and I thought today she was probably showing him all the flowers up there..my dad loved flowers. My mom said to me that at least he wasn’t suffering.  But other than that mostly shunned by family.  The stories continue to grow from my sister who wasn’t there.  Apparently I was hysterically screaming thru myself over my dad and wouldn’t let anyone near him.  My dad didn’t have a peaceful passing because of me. Nobody got to grieve because of me...and it goes on and on and on from there. That is not what happened and my dad died a peaceful death with Kira there taking grandpas frail hands to his new home.  I have had the cruelest things said to me ever.  I knew my dad was gone because if he had of been there he would not have let my brother-in-law physically assault me like that. I cannot believe my dads death bed was turned into a bar room brawl.   I did good by my dad.  I did everything to give him his peace before he died.  I know he is with Kira.  And there is not one thing I would have done different. I am not sure how I’m going to pull myself up from this. As you guys know it is hard enough to live with our grief everyday, getting thru another holiday and Kira’s birthday coming up on 21st.  And now I have to process the loss of my father, and now the loss of my mom and siblings.  Wow I don’t even know where to start with this one. Anyway thank you for all your support. I do appreciate it so much. Sorry I haven’t been in the loop with what u guys are up to. I will have to catch up.  And even knowing that I’m a grieving parent and this would hit me hard and bring back lots of memories, there was no consideration given.  Just cruelty almost beyond imagination.  

 

 

 

 

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THANK YOU TEAM CANADA FOR WINNING FOR MY DAD TONIGHT. HE GAVE ME THE LOVE OF THE GAME. I HOPE HE GOT TO SIT BESIDE JOHNNY BOWER TO WATCH. BOTH CANADA AND HEAVEN ARE PROUD OF YOU TONIGHT.  

 

 

 

 

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Louanne, you will put one foot in front of the other and you will carry on, even in this latest grief...you will because you must and because you are still here for reasons that your Son's could likely point out...you are here, you can grieve your Dad's leaving, cause you will miss him...all else does not matter to this situation. Your siblings were not reaching out to you before, likely they won't now. Your Mom? YOu and she can figure it out if you both want to, but was there already some deep strains there? Either way...there is nothing different you would do you said, so now go forth knowing that you gave your Dad what he needed before he died, and that is what you remember when you wonder how to go on...you gave your Dad what he needed, you would not do it differently, and then move forward. Dad will always love you, he is watching over you alongside your Girl. Smiling on you with the kind of love you feel for them. Sleep now, and know that tomorrow may feel better than today.

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Louanne, you have done all you could for your dad. Your awareness tells you that he is in heaven with Kira and no longer suffering and struggling.   I have read about how anger and resentment often come out upon loss of a close individual.  Sadly, your family are those who turn their grief into anger ---because they do not know how to cope with their loss.  These family members project this anger onto another that manages grief differently and is in the circle of loss. Because you have learned the depth of grief and were not ranting and raving they took you as an accessible target. Unfortunately their verbal  attacks were channeled by their sudden loss. Time will reel this in and they will lose some of this anger.  Probably all of us at one time or another were overcome by the anger of grief, the sadness of grief, the despair of grief.  Do not let their grief bitterness turn inwards to you.  You have made great strides in your grief management. Don't let their bitterness dwell in you and drive you back to profound depression.  I know those things are easier said than done. Channel your grief and sorrow because you have learned how it needs to run its course. Let them manage their grief and hopefully as they experience it in this massive dose they too will learn that the many tentacles of grief can be overwhelming and disparaging....things you have had to face already.  Love your dad, grieve your dad. Keep those visuals of he and Kira together.  Hold on with both hands to that.

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My friends,

Yesterday, Scott and I went to the funeral of a 9 year old girl.  Wow.  She died of cancer.  Scott used to work with the Dad and followed the Caring Bridges page of Alaina....the little girl.

She looked like a sleeping angel in the casket.  I tried to keep it together, but tears stream down my face as I greet the parents and 4 older siblings.  She was the baby.

Both Scott and I had tears when we left.  So hard.

Another angel in heaven.

Colleen, Brians Mom forever

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