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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
momofJustin

Loss of an Adult Child

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i do understand how an autopsy could be very helpful. i really don't know Forest's injuries. I was not allowed to see him for 3 days and then only with his face covered. i played many horrible scenarios through my mind. i just don't know why there are soo many of these csi ncis special unit shows. everyone of them shows bodies on slabs being autopsied. i don't think it is necessary but people love them. i really am not into the whole thing. i would rather watch something else but network tv is very limited and my husband always has it on with those shows running. bleah

 

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Thank you for the positive thoughts Dee, Louanne  Lesley....   I know the kids are the most important consideration right now.  It is so very hard on Sena ..  She has told me her concerns of choosing here rather than staying closer to her mom.  I try to tell her, that mom is free to come visit or call...   I am only trying to get her life started .. come March at the magic age of 16 they await the next step of 18 and my little girl isn't ready, no matter how much she thinks she is.  She has crushes as other teens...   she tries to act sophisticated.. but the little girl sneaks out more than she realizes.   I am so glad to have her here with me...  she hugs me when she leaves for school.. when she comes home.. when she goes to bed..  she hugs me for no reason whatsoever except that she finally has her affection back that she has been lacking.  I think the touch is important to her.  I learned with my son he didn't like the touching after a certain age.. it is ok once in awhile.. and I am the only one that gets by with it.. but Sena is the exact opposite.   We sit and watch tv and she cuddles up..  and I see that 3 year old baby from the accident.. the one that still holds her hair and the thumb goes in her mouth.  Don't know how to break of that habit.. we had her done with it for awhile when she was younger.. but I see it again and I don't want to yell at her a lot..   sometimes I call it to her attention...  hey kiddo.. what is that thing doing in your mouth??  and she smiles.. and takes it out.. but minutes later it is back in...   I love her so much..  she is working hard in school and her bitterness over school is starting to disappear.. for her I know I have done right.

Her brother though.. I fear I will lose.   He is still being taken care of by his old foster family and they are planning on taking on guardianship.  I have made my wishes known that I would love to have him with me.  But.. I don't think they will even entertain the thought... so I have to be happy with the phone calls..  I will visit him again on the 18th..  hopefully our weather will settle down for travel.  I still hate the trip back there...   I think sometimes I am the only one who remembers the spot of the accident.  I would love to get it out of my mind when we go through.. but I have a panic attack.. dumb.. but it is still there.  Dee.. you are so right..  I wasn't looking forward to the winter.. it just plays hard on my lungs.. and my heart 

 

Louanne..   I am thinking of you hoping that your pain eases.  It is really hard to lose a parent.. Even when we know it is coming.. and we are older...   it still stings..  I know I take comfort knowing JaBoa is with her grandparents.. they were so close.

I hope everybody is staying healthy.. the cold gets tough on the body..   we are expecting another drop in the temps..  hopefully we don't get into the way below zero again.. Not the way we were...  just can't stand that.. but guess we have no control of it :-)  

Thanks again for being here.. for sharing your hearts and most of all for sharing your angels..   You are all in my heart

 

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i am not surprised sena still sucks her thumb she has been through so much in her young life and had to find some self comfort when she was scared and alone and the habit still helps her. That will change in time once she has stability and is able to self care her emotional health. The problems with her mum have already caused her damage and being separated from her brother too  besides the accident when you lost Jboa too, what a lot she has suffered bless her. I so wish I had a magic wand and be able to change all you are going through and facing Leah but I can't I'm sorry. I think you are incredibly strong though and you will work this through step by step. Nothing is always set in stone some things or situations can change. keep hope inside you.

I have been in contact with Rainie, Ronnie and Rocky's mum recently, and I hope she will make it back to the group. She has been through a lot and I guess just kinda dropped out of sight for a bit to regain herself. i told her she was missed.

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Leah glad you have Sena with you. Good for both of you. Cuddling up with her must feel really good. 

Working on a little art. Trying to keep my spirits up. Don't know why it is so hard. I have always been depressed but rarely felt lonely. Always had so much creative energy. Seems to not be as strong as it use to be. Spend a fair amount of time laying in bed doing nothing. Have to find some kind of purpose in life...

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HELLO ....TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

Parkersmom----I'm so sorry for your loss of your dear son, Parker.  This is

a good site to come to because everyone understands the sorrow of losing

a beloved child.  Sometimes, just having others who truly understand, can

help on this rough journey that no parent ever wants to be on.  Peace to you.

LouAnn----Oh,....friend...I'm sorry for you in this time of extreme sorrow in

the death of your dear father.  And, also sorry for the way your family is treating

you. Emotions run high in such times, and your dear heart is already broken with

pain in losing Kira.  Deaths and funerals are so difficult after the devastating loss

of a child.  Your plans for a spring garden in honor of your Kira, and your father is

such a nice thing to do.  They are together now, and will love the flowers that bloom

in your garden for them.   Thoughts & prayers.

 

Dee-----Glad we finally got a break in the frigid weather.  I, too, spent too much time

seeing news programs over the holidays and bad weather.   I guess that when we

 are  housebound we naturally gravitate to what's on the tube.  I got burned out on all

of it and went to my taped videos to watch some Clint Eastwood Westerns.....my favorites.:D

 

Georgina-----thanks for the pics of those two darling little granddaughters.  They

are beautiful babies. also, thanks for the heartfelt writing.  It is true, and inspiring.

Bob----thank you for the pics of your little Nick, and tattoo. Glad for justice for your son.

 

Kate-----Hope your weather is giving you a bit of a break.....even if it's a short break.:mellow:

Lesley-----So nice that you have gotten permission for the lovely plaque to honor Tommy....

and such a beautiful place to lay it......overlooking the sea. Tommy will be surely smiling down.

Colleen-----Prayers for the family of the little girl who passed recently.  Bless her little white soul.

 

Gretchen----Such a lovely picture....thanks for posting it.

Leah-----Will pray hard for you to be able to keep Sena with you.  She will always know that you

are there for her in this difficult time in her life.....the teen years.  Also, will pray for her brother.

So glad that you & Sena are so close.  Grandmothers are a source of love and stability to kids.

My own beloved Gram was such a comfort to me as a child. She was born in 1900, so has been

gone a long time, but the memories are still there.  Sena will always know you were there for her. Peace.

 

WISHING   PEACE   AND   COMFORT   TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry  

 

 

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Thanks Sherry.  One would think after you had lost a child people might be a little bit caring for your heart that is still broken, when you lose someone else. I appreciate your comfort.  I just will not let all the hard work I’ve done up til now be all washed away by this.  I’m very confident in my mind I did right by my dad before, during and after his death. And he is with Kira.  Nobody can take that away. I bet your getting a wallop of snow there too.  Supposed to be milder here tomorrow and maybe freezing rain.  

 

Gretchen.  I know that feeling of just lying in bed with no will to get up.  I did that for 3-4 months last winter and it is a horrible feeling. I didn’t care about anything. My heart and soul were torn up.  Nothing but despair and family and friends who had decided my grieving time was up and I should be “over it” and would not be there for me. My child’s angel date is only a few weeks before Forests so I know the time frame your dealing with.  Please, please my friend don’t just lay there and let the grief consume you.....because it will eventually.  I don’t think I know about your other children and grandchildren other than Preston.  I’d love to hear about them.  R u the artist lady I recall.  I would love to see your artwork, I can’t draw a stick person.  Do anything you have to to put that one foot in front of the other and you go. My heart just breaks to think of you just laying there everyday.  We will beat this grief, all of us will together. Our hearts will always be broken but we must show our other children there can be some light come in again.  If you want a call or you want to email, let me know my friend.  I will be there always.  

Susan.  How is the surgery/recovery going . Let us know if u are able. Thoughts and prayers for you.  

Becky and Georgina.  How r things  going with your health. Let us know if you can, 

 

Tina.  How is the new job.  Hope u are enjoying it. 

glad u will have health coverage now.  How’s Grayson doing.

 

Dee and Dianne.  So u guys live close together.  Bet your getting lots of snow.  Go black hawks. I’ve always loved that team. One of the six original. 

Kate. Sorry I’ve been tied up in my mess for awhile.  Did u get to Calgary for Christmas. Bet the little dollies were so excited. As much as I look out side and complain about the snow everyday I always “I bet Kate has it worse”.  How is Ross doing, eyes better now.  

Laurie, Colleen and devianz, what’s up with you guys.  U all live in snow states.  The only one I know is warm is Susan in Texas.

lesley..thanks for your support.  Glad to hear Rainey might be coming back .  I hope so. Such a lovely lady.  

Leah, glad things are looking a little better for you and you have your dear Sena back.

sorry for anybody I missed. I feel kinda guilty I’ve been whining about my situation of the last few weeks.  Sorry if I was too needy but you guys always get, always.  

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Hi Louanne,

no snow and if fact spring like winds are whipping up tonight and it is currently 51 degrees outside. Ridiculous. How can the nation's leaders deny climate change...my third graders get it. This is supposed to be winter and while many enjoy these warmer temps, the fact remains that the world is in trouble, these temps are not the norm and lack of snow is a bad thing. Today the floods that hit california after the fires raged there have caused heartache and mayhem...the earth is telling us a lot and we must listen. Those in charge must listen. Sorry, went off on a tangent. These are my thoughts tonight as springlike temps not 6 days after subzero temps. Not normal at all.

Gretchen, I am sorry taht you are feeling lonely, I do think though, that when you are in a slump like this, or when we get in slumps like yours, that you are on the verge of finding some new thing to direct you. I think we get down real low before we can climb out again. And so I am hoping that you can find your purpose or purposes and feel more yourself again.

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not up to writing a lot.  I dprnt most of the night in the hospital..   It was  niht of pain...   I have to see the surgeon tomorrow..for gal bladder ..  I have to get it done asap.   not sure shen I will get the surgery..   soon as i can.  I  just don[t feel well...  will write more when I can.. peace to all

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Oh crap Leah, I am so sorry that you are ill again or still. Goodness knows that the doctors need to look deeply into this pain and yes, do the surgery if that is what is warranted. I hate for you to be ill, but if it is gal bladder, you must get it taken care of now. Infections could settle in there and you will be in worse shape. Is there anyone at home to be with Sena? I wish I could come help out.

 

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Leah, so sorry to hear about more health issues for you.  You just have been on such an out of control train with your health and all you have had to face. I hope this gallbladder surgery is done soon and your recovery is good.  Like Dee, if I were close I would be happy to help out with Sena. God be with you.

Lesley, getting that plaque in place for Tommy will be such a good thing...a place to center yourself with him.  

Luanne, so pleased that while the grief and anguish you have had to face with the loss of your dad and your family's acting out so harshly you are keeping yourself and your forward progress in tact.  You have come a long way.  I believe that both Kira and your dad are letting you know that they have each other . So those Blackhawks.... score 8 goals in one night and the next night can only score 1. Thought they had a wake up call looking at the standing.  Which Canadian team is yours? That way when we watch them play the Hawks I will know you are watching and we will have a connection.

Tina hope the job is going well....Susan hope your health is on the mend.

If it was not raining today I would be in 7th heaven.  It is currently 56 degrees out and all the snow is gone.  Compared to two weeks of 0 or below this is great....short lived though over the weekend.   I spent this week trying to help my cousin with her thankyou cards from the funeral.  It really hits you when you physically see someone in that early stage of loss.  She has always been so stoic with everything and now I see her being confused and unable to focus. She is close to 10 years older than me and has some lung issues so I have concerns about the toll being taken on her.  Her son was 51, never married, no kids so there are no other family members for him. It has been more difficult than I thought and I am trying very hard to offer the right support.

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Weather is 54 F in Wisconsin.  Wow.  Mother Nature is teasing us.  This weekend back below freezing.  In the 20's.

Colleen,  Brian's Mom forever

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gretchen I am sorry you feel low and lonely. Just know some of that is the winter blues when no one is outside more than they have to be, the days are short and the dark is long and everyone seems to kind of hibernate at home keeping warm. When the spring comes and it will only be a few weeks away I hope your spirits rise.

leah oh no gallbladder pain is awful but they try and wait for the inflammation to go down a bit before surgery. Hopefully they will keep you medicated and more comfortable and the surgery comes soon. Poor Sena must be worried for you too. Keep us informed and be safe ok?

tina hope the new job is going well and you are doing ok as you have had such a hard time financially and emotionally. Let us know how things are progressing?

dianne I am sure it is difficult dealing with someone you care about who is lost in the early days and in such  emotional pain. I have not heard anything from my friend (mikey's mum) since the end of nov so I know she is probably not doing well either. Those of us who are at a later stage can heave a sigh of relief that some of that raw anguish and emotional roller coaster is a bit further behind us although those memories will not ever be forgotten. I see that although I still have bad days I seem to sink less and recover faster than I used to so that is progress.

colleen glad its a bit warmer. We have had 2 gorgeous days and I was able to go out in stages and cut my small lawn and do a bit of weeding. Felt soooo good to feel fresh air on my face after being in the house with the heat on for days. It won't last I think there is more stormy weather to come but it was a brief glimpse of the coming Springtime which I yearn for.

I was reminded of that story "Going on a bear hunt" the other day. It struck me that story is very like grief because you can't go over it, you can't go under it, you can't go round it, you have got to go through it. We all have to trudge through grief with its ever changing faces to get through to the other side which seems an impossible distance to travel, no end in sight. There is no app for grief although books and blogs are good resources, you just have to slog away one foot in front of the other and keep on going even when you feel like giving up or that it is impossible to ever feel a semblance of normal again let alone any happiness.

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positive-self-talk.jpg.9e1d1da25817539b49a5c2212d093bac.jpg

 

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Dee----I agree with you about the global warming ....it's a real worry.  Problem is, that those

who are in charge will not recognize it, and keep denying it.....because other interests comes first.

It is almost 60 degrees here today, but is supposed to turn into freezing rain, and back in the

deep freeze over the weekend.  Our cat is so mixed up because its warm enough one day, too

cold the next for her to go outside.  She is very picky about the weather. ;)   

She takes to the couch when it's freezing out.

 

LouAnn----I agree that when you plant your flower garden for Kira and your dad, that when the flowers

bloom, it will warm your heart to know they are smiling down on the garden planted just for them.  Yes,

one would think that people would be more considerate about the feelings of a person who had lost

their child, especially at the highly emotional time of a funeral for another loved one. Too many times,

others feel that they get to decide when its time for the grieving parent to "get over it".  Of course, we

know that this it is a frivolous  idea.  We all must move along on this lousy journey at our individual pace,

and just ignore others who think that they know better.  Also,  others do not get to decide whether your dad,

who has passed, can or cannot die in peace.  That is out of their hands.  Your dad surely felt your presence

with him,  when he crossed over.  Keep thinking positively....as much as you are able.....give yourself the

time that you need to mourn.  Peace to you.

 

Gretchen-----Yes,..I agree that the grief journey can be a lonely place at times.  Hoping you'll be feeling better soon.

Lesley-----thanks for the story of going on a bear hunt, and how it is something like grief. There's no escaping the grief

by going around, under or over it......we must go through it. Not easy...that's for sure.  The hardest thing anyone can do.

 

Dianne-----Feeling so sorry for your friend who lost her son.   It's very kind of you to help with all the details before and

after the funeral.  It will relieve your friend from the details that she may not be able to do herself.  Sending prayers.

 

Leah-----Oh, sorry to hear that you need to get surgery.  I hope it is taken care of soon. It is very painful, leading up

to the gall bladder surgery... (I had it a few years ago.)   Will be praying for your surgery and recovery,  Take care. 

WISHING    PEACE   AND   TRANQUILITY  TO   ALL. 

Davey&Lisasmom,   sherry

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Colleen.  I guess I should know what your weather is like, just what is on the young and restless right.  Seems like we are all getting crazy weather this year.  Think dee is right, the world is trying to tell us something.  When I was a kid (my boys love it when I say that lol)  there was sky high snow from November to April. 

Lesley. No matter how mild it gets here I know weeding and cutting grass won’t be back til may.  I love your post not until you lose a child......  that is so right.  After six years though I can’t decide to be royally pissed off at those other people, feel sorry that they have such little kindness or compassion for another human being or just feel glad for them they don’t know first hand what it feels like.  Which way do you guys think about the unbereaved.?

Dianne.  Thanks for your support. Toronto maple leafs are closest to me so I probably see thier games more than any. But I am such a hockey junky I watch every minute of every team in the league I can.  I don’t like L A though and I have a hard time picturing teams that have palm trees instead of snow . But give me an nhl any team and I’ll watch it.  I live 25 min from Brantford where Wayne Gretzky is from but he is the only player who I have ever and still don’t like.  His dad is a real class act though, going to hospital , kids hockey banquets,  truly a great down to earth guy. Jake Muzzin  (LA) is from Woodstock here and just built a nice new house here. Why when you could afford to build a house anywhere you would pick Woodstock Ontario. Guess cause his family his here. Some nights I can watch hockey from 730 til midnight with the games in different time zones. I’m always calling my cable company complaining if they aren’t showing a game. They probably draw straws to see who has to talk to me this time.  I think I get most of the black hawks games so you can probably be sure if there is one on I’ll be watching.  Kate will be watching the Winnipeg jets games. 

Well I guess getting back to my “normal crappy life” won’t happen quite as easily as I thought. It is still hard to know I will not hear my dads voice again, but I will always here those of my family yelling at me.  I still keep thinking how can you treat someone who has already suffered such a horrible loss like that.  I know it is over and done and I have to move on but I must say it would be much easier to just give up even the few inches of progress I’ve  made and let it all fall in again. I was so so sure this time who would be there for me.  

Lesley you are so right .....”you just have to slog away one foot in front of another and keep on going even when you feel like giving up or that it is impossible to ever feel a semblance of  normal again let alone any happiness”. That is just truly what it is all about for us.  There is a local paper that comes every Thursday night . I only look at the grocery ads as I don’t want to see any news about weddings or babies or anything but I know my dads obit. Is in there so I read it tonight.  He is with my Kira, right you guys?  Kira finally has someone with her.  Please tell me they are together. Oh dear I hope I can get past this but I just feel like the grief is tugging so hard on me again.  

Have a good night everyone.

 

 

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Ok Luanne, we'll be watching those games together!  I can feel the connection already and including Kate with the Winnipeg Jets....

And DON'T give up and slip back on your progress. You are doing well and to give up is just to give in to those who don't know any better. Your boys, your husband they are there for you and know that feeling of loss but they have you covered.....Everyone of us is pulling for you. 

Lesley, you are right.  I guess looking at my cousin and seeing her in that state  just makes me remember those raw, early days where you didn't know who are where you were.  I too have a long way to go, I still wake up with the first thought of Michael being DEAD. No sugarcoating for me.  I cry some everyday still and cannot always mention his name without tears (like now)  but I agree with you that I do seem to recover faster from those times. Sherry,  thanks for your prayers.  This is actually my cousin--the only family member (other than my husband, daughter, granddaughter) who I am close to.  Her mother and my mother were sisters.  We were not to close growing up because of the age difference but as adults we grew close. She has a sister and I have a brother  and we often say that the wrong  matches were done at birth.

I too worry about global warming as well as all of the regulations that are being rolled back in the name of progress.  Our water, our air, our soil.... It is frightening. The free-ager in me is showing.

one earth.jpg

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Mom of Justin

i was so sorry to read of ur loss.  

I have lost two sons one to a motorcycle accident at 21 / and then one to suicide at 34. 

Please know I care and am here if u need a listening and caring and understanding , without judgement ear

Rainie, Rocky & Ronnies mom ~

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Oh Rainie, dear friend. Am so glad to hear from you.  Please tell us how things have been going for you.  I remember you being one of many kind gentle souls who were there for me when I first came here.  I have wondered so many times how you have been getting along.  I hope your back to stay.  Luanne , Kira’s mom

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Leah, so sorry to hear that you are suffering with a gall bladder attack. I know how painful it is and hope the surgeon will operate as soon as he is able to give you relief.You have had more than your fair share of health issues this past while. I, too, wish I lived closer to be of some help.

 I have not been feeling very well myself the past little while and so have been reading but not up to posting. Has anyone heard has Susan is doing?

Thinking of everyone and sending love to ALL, Kate

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x.png.e2f617cf169ae85b4d53f0b6df24e8c1.png

dee global warming is such a worry. The extremes of weather and natural disasters occuring are a clear result of that. Also we need to fight the major demon PLASTIC which is polluting oceans and blighting the land. I signed a petition recently to ask McDonalds to stop using straws and other plastic as they are responsible for so much plastic waste. I would love to think mega corporations could change their habits but it is perhaps a forlorn hope.

Louann Kira and her grandad are definitely together and watching over you, no doubt at all. I know spring is a long ways off for you but you can look at garden catalogs and start a plan for what you can grow and where you want it. Does not have to be a big plot maybe close to your front door or visible from the family room. You can also plant in pots because they warm up quicker than the ground. Looking at plants and cataloge cheers my soul and I also look at pinterest a website with people's ideas and photos. While you have snow go sledding make snow angels and snowmen walk in the crisp air and find some brief happiness in acting like a kid.

sherry thanks for the kind words, it is important for us to try and post motivating stuff or happier times to demonstrate there is a way through grief it is not all always gloom doom and sadness. Sharing stories about how we have bounced back or forgiven someone or done something good in the memory of our spirit children is important. My mental health worker lost her fiancee in may in a motorbike accident. She told me yesterday she was inspired by me giving money to a charity in memory of Tommy and donated to our air ambulance. She said even though they could not save her fiancee they need money to save others and she will make it an annual gift. Great news!

rainie you are back with us!! :) Glad you got my email with the link info.

kate sorry you are not feeling well take care. The Aussie flu has hit the UK and is very nasty lasting over 2 weeks and leaves people feeling drained for a while longer after that.

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Dianne, love the ONE EARTH piece. Lesley, I have always watched the climate and how it is changing, and I teach it in science/reading non fiction and sadly, with recent legislation, it is going to become even more dire...we must get loud...LOUD, and use our voting privileges to call for change.

RAINE, good to see you again, I do so hope you are finding your way on this broken path...

Becky? Sandy? and all Others we don't see often, doing okay?

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Well it is cold here and I hate it. Forest was cold natured too. We did get the ceiling of my studio insulated so I was able to finish the collage I was working on. 

Louanne my daughter Allison is next in line after Forest. She had my first grandbaby Madelyn 4.5 months after he died. Then she had my granddaughter Lyra then Preston. My next child is a son, Logan and my youngest son is Marshall. Forest death has been really hard on all of us and has changed our family dynamics so much. It doesn't have the cohesion and closeness it did before. When I say my beautiful family was shattered it truly feels like that. It is glued back together the best it can be but it just is never going to be the close family it was. Forest was such a major binding factor and there is just so much pain beneath. I don't know. I don't even want to talk about it. I am very glad I had them all together and life was beautiful once. More than many people get so I won't complain. I love my children it just is so different now.

I have noticed lately I'm afraid something will happen to one of them. I don't even ask them to the house. It is a 60 mile drive down a dangerous highway and I am afraid. I don't know why this has happened suddenly. 

Here is the collage though.

20180111_215124-1.jpg

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Dee, how did you make out with the broken pipes at school this week?

Colleen and Sherry, I will take that temp any day to ours. It is ridiculously cold and I am miserable about it. It sounds as if your cat knows her mind and is a smart gal.

Dianne, I am sorry about your friends son. I also worry about the global warming issue. Living where we do we are at a vantage point to witness the first hand effects as it affects our planet. I so worry about the warming of the  ice up north and particularly how it affects the animals. I seem to recall that when our older son lived in Ireland he told us that they were the first country to ban the use of  plastic bags and switched to cloth bags for groceries, etc. We are fiends up here at recycling.  

Lesley, thanks for your kind thoughts. The flu is definitely hitting us in this part of the world as well. They claim that only 17% of Canadians took the shot this season. It is not a pandemic, but it is definitely on the upswing. The elderly and vulnerable are always the ones to get hit hard. We have had 100 deaths so far. Love, love, love your plan to have a plaque placed at the church in honor of your Tommy. Great idea! Also, happy to hear that your aunt is on the mend. She is very lucky to have a niece as devoted as you.

Louann, it is hockey non stop in our place. Hubby is glued to most games if we are at home. Are you going to watch any of the Olympics? I guess with the time change it will have to be the days highlights for me. I have always loved the figure skating. My name will be mud with my girlies if I don't take in the skiing as well. My brother told me that they have had six feet of snow up in Collingwood. They go up there on the weekends to ski. 

Gretchen, you should share some of your latest art pieces with us. Tina is a budding artist and I bet you two could share some ideas. Get her to show you her picture of her Xmas tree. You are going to love it.

Susan, if you are reading...I am thinking of you and wishing you the best and a very speedy recovery from your operation. We miss you! Get well soon.

Raine, I have never had the opportunity to speak to you. I am happy to see that you are back. Hang in there. There are so many ups and downs on this journey. Sometimes just reading is all we can muster.

Tina, I bet you are exhausted after your first couple of weeks of training. How are you liking it so far?

Leah, you know I am sending wishes for better days ahead. Get well soon!

Not much new to report. Have been ill this week and just taking it easy. It looks as if Ross is now coming down with the same thing. 

 

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Gretchen. I know what you mean about the closeness being gone. We are all thankful for our children we have left, but if we had a 100 kids we still feel the loss of that one.  Yes life was beautiful.at one time but not for us anymore.  But still we must go on.  Before Kira died I was so paranoid about everything with kids.  Guess I thought if I worried and had everything covered I could keep them safe. I really thought I could keep them safe. You have a beautiful family and love all the names. Guess we still just have to keep gluing those pieces in place. Your collage didn’t come thru may u can send it again.  I’d love to see your work. Take care. 

Kate I’m afraid I’m one of those ones who didn’t get my flu shot.  I felt really weak, shaky, and like my heart was slowing way down today thought I was going to faint.  Ok now. Maybe I’m catching something too.  Sorry you guys aren’t feeling the best. Hope it doesn’t last long. We went for a drive to Collingwood last summer. Found a really nice fish and chip place there we want to go back to sometime. Im thinking about suggesting it on Kira’s birthday 21st but don’t know yet.  I’m only into hockey. Hate ice skating, skiing, curling.  Collingwood about 2 hours away. Very pretty town.  Wow too bad we didn’t live closer. Ross and I could watch the hockey together.  My husband only watches a little so I end up yelling and screaming at the tv alone.  I know this sounds mean but I love when the linesmen or refs fall or somebody takes them out. Ha ha.  And of course the fights. And always hope for a Gordie Howe hat trick.  

As much as I’m trying not to I know my depression is starting to increase. I can’t get off the couch again and stay in pjs most of the time. Oh I am so hoping this latest stuff doesn’t weigh me down too much.  My dad was 87, was still driving a week before he died, and got to stay in his home since 1959.He did not have cancer or any illnesses. He just simply wore out. He knew it was his time and he looked forward to seeing Kira.  He lingered for a few days in hospital but was not in any pain and no matter what my siblings say I know he passed peacefully.  I think that is about as good a deal as life can give you.  I still miss him and can’t believe I won’t hear his voice again but I felt very good about being with my dad to sing, hum, read bible verses, talk about what him and Kira would be doing in heaven, holding his hands and gently stroking his forehead.   Even in my fragile state (as we will alll be in to some degree),  I was pleased that I did the very best for my dad. Of course only to have my family come crashing down me physically and emotionally and someone who wasn’t even in the room tell me I prevented him from having a peaceful passing cause I cried.  Just struggling to get past this. Guess it might take awhile.  Well hockey just starting I know my dad would approve of that.  Hey sherry...you got the blue jackets...Columbus in Ohio right.? They r playing Vancouver tonight.  Take care everyone. 

 

 

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Luanne- You sound like a really wonderful wife and mother. I know from having 5 children and 4 grand-children that worry is number one on the hit parade of responsibilities. And, yes....when one is lost or missing we absolutely do feel the loss. It reminds me of the parable of the Prodigal Son and how his father rejoiced at his return. What we did not do is cancel our celebration of the holidays. Billy would not want us to stop living. And fortunately on Monday, my best friend, his wife and 6 year old little girl "kidnapped" us and took care of the misses and me. You remind me of Maria (my wife) when it comes to hockey...only with Maria it is football, especially the Packers. I am a Giants fan. Neither one of us is raised to cuss or use expletives...BUT during football season, WOW! Like me, yet unlike me,  Billy lived in his head, not much for the externals like football or baseball. He would watch the games with me but he liked reading more. Like me he enjoyed Chaucer, John Milton and Shakespeare and started to read when he was 4. By the time he was 8, he would debate with adults. One day he called me at the office to explain to me the fact that he NEEDED a hamster, not he wanted one. I told him I needed to see a clean room, grades, etc.His answer was that this conversation was " for naught and his objectives were not being met!" I got home and asked the misses who was it that I was talking to. Her answer was, "your son". I said what do you mean and she asked if I had listened to me....that I sounded like I swallowed an encyclopedia! He could have been an attorney...he always tried to negotiate with us about bed time, etc.  What is really sad is that his little neice will never know her wonderful uncle. I believe that if we keep the memories alive of those we have lost then they aren't really gone, per se, just waiting for us to join them at Christ's table. For all those that post here, know that I am for one glad that I found a place to post my feelings and I thank you.

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Heart hurt 1013.  Looks like u found your way here.  I’m not very tech savvy so I couldn’t tell u about setting defaults or anything.  I’m so glad u found us though. It just gives me the shivers when u talk about your son suddenly collapsing because that is what happened to my healthy daughter too.  It’s a hard thing to wrap your head around isn’t it?  Your Billy sounds like a great kid, very mature beyond his years as a kid.  I love that you have that hamster story to remember.  Yes so sad the new ones didn’t get to know him but I’m sure you will all tell her about her uncle Billy as she grows up.  I have two sons in thier 20s but no grandchildren yet. As far as how others treat you, I’m 6 years into this and t has been a very long hard lesson for me.  This might sound bitter, but this has been my experience.  Everyone at the funeral home with thier phony baloney “I’m so sorry, let me know if I can do anything, I’ll be thinking of you, I’ll give u a call sometime”.  They walked out of that funeral home with one thought only “phew, I’m glad it wasn’t my kid”. And before they drove out of the parking lot it was over for them. Some hang around a little longer than others but one by one they all drop off...family and friends.  I even got fired from my job of 29 years cause I was so depressed and upset about losing my daughter....they didn’t care. Somebody said to me once people don’t give a rats ass of your tragedy unless it directly affects them.  I thought we’ll surely that can’t apply to child loss..nobody could be so uncaring about a grieving parent.   Well...oh yes they can.  I said to myself one day. Where did everybody go.  Then I figured it out.  They went back to the day before my daughter died and kept right on going with thier life.  Sad but oh so true.  I’m not trying to scare u that no one will care.  Maybe you’ll be the lucky one who has true friends and family. But most people will probably be like your client. And remember people will set thier time line when you should be over it. I just want you to know that the people on this site will ALWAYS be here for you. You will never be judged on how you grieve or how long it takes.  It’s a life long journey that none of us want to be on. We rejoice when someone makes a tiny step forward and will catch you when u stumble and fall.  Well sorry if I’m yapping too much, just want to welcome you aboard but am so sad for the circumstances.  And I agree we will meet them at Christ’s table someday.  Take care my friend and know we are all holding your hands. Luanne

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