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momofJustin

Loss of an Adult Child

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11 days of temps that are very low, tomorrow will match the longest stretch of days like this...At least it is sunny, but oh so cold. A coopers hawk has been hanging out, which is a delight to watch but of course he is here to feed on birds that are at our feeders...oh the dilemna of feeding birds in the winter.

Hope Everyone is doing as well as they can, thinking of you all. Tina, how is the new job?

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Quiet days around here...my last real day of winter break. Pipes burst at school so if they get it fixed, back to school on Monday.

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Thank you For the lovely comments my precious grand daughters give us purpose make us smile heaven sent without a doubt. They are a couple of beauties xx 

I’m trying so hard to take theses steps I guess it helps that I’m not so ill I feel like I’ve been running on empty for so long now and starting to have a bit more energy which is helping me cope better. 

I so much want Justice for James but the battle is so hard to fight. Every which way We turn we’re stopped and let down by the system and it takes it toll  grinds you down and down to nothing and with the added despair and heart wrenching grief it’s hard to bare. Going over and over every detail is braking me and my husband. I’ve appealed the latest reports and I will keep going but the police are so good at covering their tracks when their in the wrong. Did I tell you our Solicitor who’s helping us got a private detective to look into things. He said the police did an appalling investigation and went from A to G instead of A to Z hard to hear when it’s your beloved child whose been mowed done. 

Thank you for all your support your my family now God Bless Xxx

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Well it’s over. I whispered in my dads ear thank you for looking after Kira and I thought today she was probably showing him all the flowers up there..my dad loved flowers. My mom said to me that at least he wasn’t suffering.  But other than that mostly shunned by family.  The stories continue to grow from my sister who wasn’t there.  Apparently I was hysterically screaming thru myself over my dad and wouldn’t let anyone near him.  My dad didn’t have a peaceful passing because of me. Nobody got to grieve because of me...and it goes on and on and on from there. That is not what happened and my dad died a peaceful death with Kira there taking grandpas frail hands to his new home.  I have had the cruelest things said to me ever.  I knew my dad was gone because if he had of been there he would not have let my brother-in-law physically assault me like that. I cannot believe my dads death bed was turned into a bar room brawl.   I did good by my dad.  I did everything to give him his peace before he died.  I know he is with Kira.  And there is not one thing I would have done different. I am not sure how I’m going to pull myself up from this. As you guys know it is hard enough to live with our grief everyday, getting thru another holiday and Kira’s birthday coming up on 21st.  And now I have to process the loss of my father, and now the loss of my mom and siblings.  Wow I don’t even know where to start with this one. Anyway thank you for all your support. I do appreciate it so much. Sorry I haven’t been in the loop with what u guys are up to. I will have to catch up.  And even knowing that I’m a grieving parent and this would hit me hard and bring back lots of memories, there was no consideration given.  Just cruelty almost beyond imagination.  

 

 

 

 

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THANK YOU TEAM CANADA FOR WINNING FOR MY DAD TONIGHT. HE GAVE ME THE LOVE OF THE GAME. I HOPE HE GOT TO SIT BESIDE JOHNNY BOWER TO WATCH. BOTH CANADA AND HEAVEN ARE PROUD OF YOU TONIGHT.  

 

 

 

 

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Louanne, you will put one foot in front of the other and you will carry on, even in this latest grief...you will because you must and because you are still here for reasons that your Son's could likely point out...you are here, you can grieve your Dad's leaving, cause you will miss him...all else does not matter to this situation. Your siblings were not reaching out to you before, likely they won't now. Your Mom? YOu and she can figure it out if you both want to, but was there already some deep strains there? Either way...there is nothing different you would do you said, so now go forth knowing that you gave your Dad what he needed before he died, and that is what you remember when you wonder how to go on...you gave your Dad what he needed, you would not do it differently, and then move forward. Dad will always love you, he is watching over you alongside your Girl. Smiling on you with the kind of love you feel for them. Sleep now, and know that tomorrow may feel better than today.

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Louanne, you have done all you could for your dad. Your awareness tells you that he is in heaven with Kira and no longer suffering and struggling.   I have read about how anger and resentment often come out upon loss of a close individual.  Sadly, your family are those who turn their grief into anger ---because they do not know how to cope with their loss.  These family members project this anger onto another that manages grief differently and is in the circle of loss. Because you have learned the depth of grief and were not ranting and raving they took you as an accessible target. Unfortunately their verbal  attacks were channeled by their sudden loss. Time will reel this in and they will lose some of this anger.  Probably all of us at one time or another were overcome by the anger of grief, the sadness of grief, the despair of grief.  Do not let their grief bitterness turn inwards to you.  You have made great strides in your grief management. Don't let their bitterness dwell in you and drive you back to profound depression.  I know those things are easier said than done. Channel your grief and sorrow because you have learned how it needs to run its course. Let them manage their grief and hopefully as they experience it in this massive dose they too will learn that the many tentacles of grief can be overwhelming and disparaging....things you have had to face already.  Love your dad, grieve your dad. Keep those visuals of he and Kira together.  Hold on with both hands to that.

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My friends,

Yesterday, Scott and I went to the funeral of a 9 year old girl.  Wow.  She died of cancer.  Scott used to work with the Dad and followed the Caring Bridges page of Alaina....the little girl.

She looked like a sleeping angel in the casket.  I tried to keep it together, but tears stream down my face as I greet the parents and 4 older siblings.  She was the baby.

Both Scott and I had tears when we left.  So hard.

Another angel in heaven.

Colleen, Brians Mom forever

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Colleen, prayers for her family, prayers for all of That sweet Angel's school buddies and teachers, she likely has made a huge dent in Everyone's hearts, and we know what the parents have to go through now, that deep missing, that irrevocable hole that over time, will fill with memories and the promise of forever. I wish your hearts well.

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Colleen, so very sorry to hear about the loss of this sweet little lamb. Her poor family and friends. We all know only too well their anguish. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

LouAnn, we live in a society and part of the world that expects us to behave with a degree of self control. When I see the news about other places in the world and how they weep and wail and beat their chests it is a natural  response. Letting our true emotions out in public is something that many are not comfortable with in this part of the world. We are expected to grieve in the privacy and quietness of our own homes. I remember attending a funeral of over twenty years ago for a young man in his twenties.He was newly married and had taken quite ill for only a few days. When his wife returned from work she found him dead on the bathroom floor. As you could imagine she was devastated. At the funeral we headed out to the grave site to attend the interment. They played Amazing Grace on the bagpipes. We all know how emotional that song can make us. She actually threw herself into the grave on top of his coffin. She wailed and screamed. They had to forcibly remove her from his casket. Unfortunately she was not able to be at the rest of the gathering... as they had to take her to the hospital. She suffered a complete breakdown. I will never forget witnessing her pure and real raw pain as we heard those cries of anguish. Today she is remarried and has two beautiful children. She was able to rebuild her life in time with love, support, and help. Today she is very happy.

Kira and your Dad are gone. You will not see them again in this life. You must hold on to the fact that one day you will be reunited with them when the time is right.  They are now at peace and free of their suffering. Channeling your positive energy into moving ahead with your life is the best way that you can honour them. Focus on all of those warm and beautiful memories that they have left to give you support. Hang on with both hands. As far as the family dynamics...let it go. Move forward. We all grieve differently. 

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Wow such bitter cold for you guys over there in USA and Canada stay safe and warm ok?

Louann it will take some time for everyone to kind of regroup after losing your dad such a painful occasion for everyone involved. remember feelings and emotions run high when under stress and things can be done or said that are hurtful. Hopefully it will all calm down a bit in a few weeks and your family can reconnect and be able to see each other's perspective on what happened. Maybe not. Just remember we are here for you to pour out your anguish to and are able to offer different viewpoints that you may not have considered yet because we are not intimately involved. Sometimes reading posts gives us a different perspective on things. It all takes time. I hope you are doing ok under these circumstances, and am sending you hugs.

colleen so sad a little girl of nine life can be so cruel and we all know the pain her family will be going through. When Ross was in second grade a classmate passed away also from cancer. She had not been able to attend school much because of treatments but the class kept in touch and sent her cards and balloone etc. I was friendly with her Mum and was also the class Mum so I attended the viewing intending to go to the service also. I decided Ross was too young to go and it was my first experience of an American funeral. I only made it to hug the family and then left in tears. I did not realise open caskets were commonplace and to see that little child dressed in her favourite outfit just broke me, so glad ross was not there. I know it is a cultural thing and also depends on religious beliefs sometimes but I have to confess I found it quite shocking. We Brits generally always have closed caskets and no one is allowed to see the body unless family give permission, it is only close fmily who visit. I know Irish wakes are more similar to American ones. The bravery of the family to stand up and accept condolences is amazing I could barely keep myself upright at Tommy's cremation. i did attend a couple other funerals in my time in the USA but still found open caskets a bit disturbing. It must be a British stiff upper lip thing to keep it private I guess. I am not in any way being critical of the way you guys do it, it is just different. in a way it kind of normalises death I am just sharing cultural differences. My parents and kids visited Tommy to say goodbye in the funeral parlour but my brother and sister did not want to and I got that. Even my ex husband chose not to see him. As a family we have only had one close death which was our beloved grandmother over 17yrs ago so we are fairly unused to funerals. My dad has been to loads but I think that is also a generation thing he is 83 yrs old. I do know I still find the sight of coffins on TV disturbing. By all means chime in everyone and let me know your thoughts on the subject, it is good to hear different views.

On a more positive note I have got permission to lay a small memorial plaque for Tommy in my special place in the graveyard overlooking the sea a couple miles away. There are only a couple of spaces left but the vicar agrees that as I was both christened and wed there and had all my kids christened there too that permission is given. It will take me a few months to save for the plaque but I feel it is a positive goal for myself and will feel great to have a named place for me to put flowers. If my kids want to put a plaque somewhere else that feels more right for them in addition, that is fine too, we all have different thoughts and desires but I am so happy. It has taken me over 2yrs to feel able to go ahead with this. Interestingly enough and I believe this is a sign, the church and churchyard featured twice on TV in the last month in two completely different tv dramas, to my astonishment. I have never ever seen the church featured before on tv in my 33 years of living in the UK. I take this as being Tommy saying "That is the right place for me Mum, somewhere just you and I meet". Sorry I am rambling on again, it comes from me rarely leaving my house and interacting with people in the real world, and having too much introspective time on my hands. You guys are a huge support to me and I look forward to reading and participating in posts. Thanks

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Oh Lesley, I am glad for you to have figured out what you want to do as far as a plaque...fabulous. And it is only right that you be allowed the space in the churchyard in a place that your Kids were involved, that you have a history with. Good. I know how good it feels to have made a decision on something so close to your heart.

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Thank you all.  I wish hugs could go through computers. Your right dee, there really wasn’t that much of a family to salvage anyway. We got together for my dads last Christmas. No one will remember or acknowledge Kira. And I have long run out time limit they gave me to grieve.  Unless they lose a child they won’t even try to understand at which time they would be pounding down my door with apologies. I could so easily get dragged down in that hole again with all of this.  But with your encouragement and friendship I think this time I can handle it. I feel that peace and joy of Kira and dad dancing, looking at flowers.  And my dad saying to me see I promised you I would look after her. And that takes away my siblings screaming, my brother in law man handling me, my mother taking there sides ( at least I think she has) and my sisters stories who wasn’t even there. My family seems to think they owned my dad and I didn’t have the right to grieve , but I did grieve in my way and have no regrets.  One thing for sure we wouldn’t have to worry about a repeat of that scene. The joy in heaven drowns them all out.  I have my husband, my boys, and a few good friends and of course you guys my new family.  I am going to try and get up tomorrow with some joy in my heart. I haven’t even cleaned my house up since Boxing Day. Yikes.  Maybe I will go to the cemetery (I wasn’t invited to the burial after the service).  Anyway my grandmother always used to say onward and upward. Thank you all for staying with me thru us. Your support carried me thru.  Love Luanne 

 

 

 

 

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Louanne, I think planning a nice spring garden to honor Kira and your Dad will be a nice way to feel them nearby. We are here, holding your hands and rooting you onward and upward like Grandmom used to say, and you have those people under your roof, and a few good friends, so you have goodness. You have goodness and you have grief, and you can weave those together into your heart and know that there will always be goodness right next to the grief. Brand new day.

 

Kate I appreciate the story about the young widow, the ache and pain and the show of her grief at the funeral, and I so agree that depending on the cultures, folks show their grief differently. I am glad to know that the young woman found her way, built a new way to live and found joy again in the ashes. Thank you for sharing this.

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Colleen so sad to hear about the little girl. I wouldn't have been able to keep it together at all. I can't believe you are hitting 10 years. Ugh I am sorry.

I know it doesn't make any difference really but Jan 3 was 6.5 years since forest left me. It is hard to imagine and I guess these milestones are just another day but still it sucks. Our family is getting it back together a little bit now too but like you said it just isn't the same.

It is what it is i guess. I feel that my beautiful family was shattered and now we have pieced it back together the best we can. I am surviving and life goes on but under it all my heart is forever broken. Here is a picture of me with my youngest grandee Preston. 

Georgina your little grandbabies are precious!

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Gretchen, the love in your arms around Preston, his head on your shoulder shows that through it all, there is love. Forest is right there, joining in that hug, and how I wish it could be the way he used to hug you, but it a spiritual hug and a constant love. And it does matter, those half year marks as well as the full year marks, as well as just a day that feels particularly out of step...life changed all at once one day, and ones balance is never the same.

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To you Gretchen, and to All, I was touched by Gretchen's photo here, that sense of being off-kilter from all that we travel-

We fall

 

I tripped again and fell,

On that invisible item that sometimes just falls before my steps,

that moment in time that sucked the air of my lungs,

that moment that stole balance from our lives,

and we lose our bearings at times without any notice, we trip again, and fall,

just as there was no notice to that time that would stand us still in our drop-jawed screams.

Except for those 4 dreams of course,

those tiny hints of terror that hinted at an upcoming grief,

but few took my retelling seriously,

and even I tried to sweep them away under the sunshine’s guise,

the trickery of a summer day.

But I trip again, and I will again, again...and fall,

from that moment in time that sucked the air from my lungs.

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dee you have a gift with words always knowing the right things to say with an accuracy and perception that is so welcomed. I fall too but never as far as I have in the past tripped up by memories or the cloud of depression that is always in my life. I am excited to be able to plan my plaque at last I just was not ready to face that before, still too fragile, and realise it is ok for me to do something that is just right for me, marking our special place.

bob the wheels of justice grind very slowly and in a murder enquiry the police really have to have all the evidence and make it watertight so they can get a conviction and a justified serious sentence passed. Nick looks adorable. I understand it is too hard to visit him because you would have to be around those guilty of his father's murder so I hope your ex keeps you in the loop and shares photos with you. It is a potentially dangerous position to put herself in but Nick is her son's child and innocent. Babies and grandbabies can really lift a grieving heart that is for sure. It is great you are trying to figure out the best living arrangements for him but I guess a judge will be in the deciding seat for that. it would be wonderful if you could still be in his life you are part of his history.

louanne yes you can handle it better now because you have come so far in a fairly short time frame and I can sense you are much stronger even if you cannot always feel it. Visiting your dad in the churchyard can be in your control and timeframe and be an opportunity for you to tell him all you want. I love dee's idea of a spring garden especially as he loved flowers, a living colourful memorial to both him and Kira.

gretchen the love in that precious photo shines through clearly. Forrest is always with you sharing in your life experiences invisibly, he never left. I know that desperate desire to hug my son physically again, hear his voice and his laugh to physically feel him in my arms but i accept I have to be patient for that day to come. I echo your words that sum it up so well.

11 hours ago, tobyfreefoot said:

It is what it is i guess. I feel that my beautiful family was shattered and now we have pieced it back together the best we can. I am surviving and life goes on but under it all my heart is forever broken.

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I got some meds and am on the upward climb again.  It has taken a lot out of me to stay focused on getting Sena settled into school and all the meetings Social Services has had for me.  They still don't know what they are doing.  I have a slug of paperwork that is on hold until the 19th.  There is a guardianship court day on the 18th, and if all goes well I will have complete care of her.  

My daughter took a plea deal and the judge dropped her felony to a misdemeanor.  I have mixed emotions.  She will have 3 years supervised probation and if further arrests are made she will serve 1 year in jail.   Now she tells me she wants to fight to get her kids back.  I told her I will fight to keep Sena here until at least May.. I am to tired out to keep doing this fighting.

My thoughts are with you all.. Louanne.. Dianne .. Georgina .. Tina...  Dee....  Kate.. Sherry.. Susan.. Gretchen..Colleen.. Bob... Parker's Mom...   Lesley..  anybody I forgot.. I apologize..  hopefully as I feel better I will keep in contact more..  Take care of yourselves.. its hard..   thank you for all your thoughts and prayers

Leah

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Bob, I love that you are clear thinking as to what would be best for Nick...good for you and I am glad that you are not hanging out around those that seem to value little.

Thanks Lesley for your complimentary words...some days my thoughts come out in poem form.

Leah, goodness knows you were dreading winter...it has been a rough one on you this year...now fingers crossed and prayers sent, that you get stronger each day and that you and Sena can spend some great calm and peaceful time together. I would have mixed emotions too, about your Girl getting her felony dropped...you need Sena to feel peace in her life, and it doesn't sound like your Daughter knows how to have that.

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Dee your poem was lovely. 

I only have network television and I swear every show on it is about murder and autopsies. My husband has asbergers and spends hours and hours in front of the television as he has trouble with real life relationships so I get subjected to lots of it. Those shows just seem unending. I'm pretty good at just blocking it out but someday it really gets under my skin. Luckily for me forest did not have an autopsy but Andrew, Joshua and ashlie did as many of your children did and it just bothers me that it is splashed all over the TV for entertainment. 

Ok didn't mean to complain but no one else understands my aversion to it. Night night guys-love you

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Well heck Gretchen, that would get under a lot of peoples' skin...plus with so much cold it isn't like you can get out for a walk if it is below zero. Due to the weather and being home from school for two weeks, I did watch a ton of news, too much in fact, and I get so infuriated but also anxious...there are a lot of folks in charge of things that don't have common sense...that is a problem. Oh well, back to school tomorrow and here's to hoping that the Kids find some joy in our return...Glad you liked the poem. Are you still creating your fabulous paintings?

 

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You guys are right my dad would love a garden in the spring. I know I wouldn’t  be allow to at the cemetery but can in my own back yard. I’m still a little dumb struck, whoosy kinda at the events that just unfolded. How could someone say to  me  my. Dad could not die peacefully because of me. Especially to someone who has buried a child.  That’s is a horribly cruel thing to say to anyone. But I think it a lot higher power than anyone in my family who decided if my dad had a peaceful passing.  And I am totally convinced he did. None of thier yelling and assaulting me kept my Kira from taking grandpa home.  Well dee you said one foot in front of the other so away I go.  It’s going to start slow and take awhile to get these thoughts out on my head but I will.  I have my phone number changed and will change my email.  My husband won’t leave me home by myself so I feel pretty safe.

 

anyway Lesley when is your surgery  do you have home care in place or someone to help you.  I so wish I lived close enough to come help. 

Leah.  I am so sorry for all the fighting you have had to do and hopefully authorities will see that Sena is best with you.  What happens to the little brother, is he still in care. R u able to fight for custody of him too.  All of this physically and mentally exhausting for you. Please get some rest when u are able. 

Gretchen. 6.5 years is important your angel date is 2011; the same as mine. Look how peaceful and safe Preston looks cuddling up to granny. Sadly you are right that underneath is always that broken heart. But we have to let the light shine thru that even once in n awhile. 

Kate your story about the young widow was exactly my point. We are allowed to express our grief however we need to. There is no wrong way unless your physically hurting someone.  All of this has certainly made my husband and I think how we do not want open casket or any family but our boys present.  Wow certainly a good old fashioned Canadian winter eh.

 

 

 

 

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leah you are really being tested having won the fight to give sena the home stability and then hearing your daughter is trying for custody. If there is a hearing which there should be the court should take all the circumstances into consideration and see where the best place is for Sena which is with you. You will offer her love stability and she will be safe from the worries of being responsible for an addicted parent. She has already been through so much and is old enough to make her voice heard but what a hard decision to choose her mum or her grandmum poor love. And for you being in the middle of it all possibly having to go up against your daughter. I so hope it all works out for the best for everyone. Glad your health is better.

gretchen I can totally see your aversion to autopsy shows. Sometimes it is for the general public to understand the process but maybe there are some who see it as entertainment. Autopsies are a matter of course for any unexplained death or to diagnose the cause. My daughter has had to attend two in the job she does as a pathology lab technician and she was very impressed with the professionalism courtesy and respect that is shown throughout as if the person was still living. The technicians are very aware that is somebody's loved one and take great care to keep that person covered up decently and make the sutures as invisible as possible so the person is left looking as best they can. My Tommy had an autopsy and it was a real part of my healing to know the details of his injuries etc on paper so my imagination was halted. I know that detail is not right for everyone. He looked untouched when we saw him, very peaceful. 

louann glad you are taking some time to gather yourself. This anger against your family may slowly ebb away and I hope you can all move forward and make some peace. We know how short life can be, but if it really is better for you to cut ties then so be it. You will know what is right inside you and remember that decisions can always be reversed at a later date, vows made in distress and anger can be changed. making a garden in spring would be a lovely tribute. My surgery has been postponed until jan 25th but there is a flu outbreak and no beds in the hospital so it may be delayed again. I dont mind other people need the bed more than me so it will be ok. I will live with my parents for a few weeks as i will be very dependent on help with everything and no driving for poss 12 weeks. My aunt is doing ok getting some of her feisty nature back which is a good sign but refusing help or aids in the house which would only help her. She is very stubborn. i visit often to entertain her as she is pretty much housebound and cannot drive either.

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Thanks, I’m pretty sure this is it for my family.  You can have disagreements about things, but especially a man physically assaulting a woman in a hospital where someone is dying and someone saying you prevented someone from having a peaceful death.  And I know I will never get an apology from them. But those things cut about as deep as it gets. There’s just no getting over those things.  They went too far this time.  My mom has four other children who I know will look after her very well and I know she will be very happy to have them. Like I said I did right by my dad before during and after his death.  And I know Kira took grandpa by the hands despite all the ruckus.  The sounds of the angels singing drowned that all out.  

Hey tina.  How you liking the new job.  I’m sorry, I wanted to be there for you for your first Christmas but I had to drop out for a bit.  I hope this job will be like a new beginning for you. You have come so far.  

 

Oh dear still have Christmas decorations up and house in bad shape of cleaning.  But I’m sure it will still be there tomorrow.  Have a nice evening everyone. And thanks again for your tremendous support. 

 

 

 

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