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momofJustin

Loss of an Adult Child

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Hi I just wanted to check in with you all and wish you all Good Health Peace and lots of love and a big Thank you for all the support you’ve given on this forum. You are all amazing.  

Its nearly 11pm here and I’m off to bed I can’t bare to be awake for the New Year. To me it’s another year of mixed emotions of being without James and taking me further away from the day I last saw him leaving him behind and perhaps nearer to the day I will be reunited with him again. 

I feel the same as Diane in this third year. I never stop thinking of James I have moments where I’m jolted back to the moment I was told and I cry everyday too I just miss him so much I still go to his grave everyday to light his candles but there are moments of lightness I know that’s not a good word but that’s it just lightness out of the dread and darkness. 

I thought I’d share this  God Bless Georgina xxx

 

 

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Georgina, good to hear from you.  I too feel an occasional light--I think of it as hope. The build up to the third anniversary was brutal but I came around. I hope you have gotten back some strength from all of the health issues that were heaped upon you. We're going to make it...you and I.   We have had good support and comfort here.

Tina, wishing you luck with the new job.

Dee, I too am a big U2 fan. I agree with Kate, from what I know Bono has always been a good guy. 

Luanne, wishing comfort to you and your family as this is a hard vigil.

Susan, a good recovery for you.  Laurie, joy and rest in your life with your new little guy. Sherry, for all your positive thoughts and encouragement, we would be lost without you. Leah, improved health and luck with your granddaughter.

No midnight for me---I have been up since 3AM so I know I would never make it.  Maybe if the hockey game tonight is exciting I might be able to stretch it. Never have been a big night owl.  So for all here I wish an improvement on our past, health and comfort from our sadness and friendship in our lives.

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My dad sadly passed away in hospice December 29th... he went there the day he died. I stayed with him till he took his last breath. It happened quite quickly from diagnosis to passing away. 

Thank you all for your love and support

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Somersky I'm sorry to hear of your father's passing. It must have been a comfort to feel you there.

Luanne 5 years after forest died I had a nervous break down and ended up in the psychiatric hospital. Since then I've been having something called neurotherapy. One thing I was diagnosed with was ptsd from being told he was dead. I still cannot really think of it. I told them absolutely no way could i re-live it over and over in order to become inured in therapy which is why they sent me to neurotherapy so I wouldn't have to and I am feeling so much better. I can really relate to where you are. I spent many years in that frozen space with so much grief I thought I would die. I thought without the grief I wouldn't have the same love. It is ok Luanne the love will be the same love you've always had. Our sweet children would be devastated to think they have inadvertently ruined our lives. I know forest who loved life wouldn't want that. So anyway I hope you can find a way soon to try to piece life back together. I still have moments (I was just bawling into a quilt yesterday) but that's ok too. I am always going to carry that grief but I am learning to live in spite of it or with it. I hope the new year brings you some peace somehow

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Happy as Can Be New Year to ALL. I am home, husband is asleep, and i am sending my love to you All.I definitely will not stay up till midnight this evening, and after my cup of tea, I will go to bed. And so, I raise my cup of tea to you all, and I toast your brave hearts and your tenacity from day to day, there is nothing easy about grief, but eventually, it isn't a thing you have to drag along the walkways with you, it becomes a part of your fiber and grief just adds itself into your soul. She becomes a piece of you; a deep beat in your heart. And while i remember worrying about forgetting, I am here to tell  you that you won't forget what  you need of your Child...the most important pieces of your Sweet Child will remain in your memories. I feared those same things a long time ago, but I assure you that as time goes forward, you will find that your fears are unfounded.

SInce Erica died, I have welcomed each New Year, with hopes to make it as good a year as I can...to be as healthy as I can and do good things in the world. I hope that again this year for us all. That we find our way in part by doing good things in the world. We heal a bit when we reach out for help and also when we reach out to help.

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It is the anniversary on New Year's Day of the death of my 18 year old son, Brendon. He died in a snowboarding accident. They couldn't find him for three hours. He fell upside down in the snow and was buried alive 6 feet under a "Christmas" tree. He died from suffocating to death, then freezing. It looks like he tried to dig out the foam of his right boot to release it from the board. He was frozen like a package of meat..this thought just cripples me every year. It has been 12 years and I can say that most people will think that it has been long enough to greive. I never got to hold his hand while he was dying. I never got to say good bye. My sweet, precious, boy. I love you still as much as I did then. I miss you coming into my room and leaning on my bed to tell me about your day, the, you would ask me about mine. I miss getting mad at you for eating all the food in the house. I miss joking with you and telling you when you went out with friends to:

Have a lot of sex, do drugs, and drink alcohol! You would get beet red and say; "Mom, what are you doing?' I'd say; "It's reverse psychology-is it working?!" Your friends would look at me and laugh as you high tailed it out the door. I really miss how you protected me. How you never wanted me to be alone. You always went to the movies with me if I was by myself, or you would go to the store with me if I was by myself. then, when you were around 16 and I asked you if you could go to the movies with me, you told me "Mom, you need to get a life!" That was my subtle hint that you were into your friends (LOL). My shy, sweet, boy. Beautiful boy, all 6 ft 2 of you! I will never forget the time you drew a bubble bath for me when I was sick and had bad stomach cramps. I will never forget the time I had the flu and told you I didn't want you to get it (to stay away). You asked me if you could make me toast. I said I was too sick to eat. When I woke up, you where there lying beside me reading a motorcycle magazine. So sweet that you wanted to make sure that I was okay. You called me the night before you died to see how I was. You told me you didn't feel well and that you wanted to stay with your dad one more day to snowboard. I wish I could have hung on the phone with you forever.

We had talked the week before and we had a weird conversation. I told you that if I died, that I didn't want you to be sad, because I would be in heaven with your brother, Jordi. I said if I was in an accident, or something. You then told me that, if you died, you hoped you would be doing something "cool"...like a motorcycle trick, or something. I told you that I hope when I died I would be doing my nursing job. I never thought that you would be with Jordi before me. You were the man of my "single-divorced mom" condo. You were my best friend. You were my life.

My heart. My joy.

All the times I told you to give me a kiss "Just in case something happens".....so glad for all the kisses.

I wish I would have bought you that darn camera that you wanted. We fought about it in the store. I told you if you put in half of the money, i'd put in the rest. 

I think of you everytime I see a bumble bee....because of the cute poem you wrote to me as a child. That you and me....we were bumble bees.

When You hold my hand and pull me to heaven with you, I will ask God to view all of the videos. Me dropping you off at kindergarten (your first day at school). Go back to the time that you and Courtney were clearing out my un cool clothes. You threw out my "Amish" dresses...one of my fav's that you said I looked like a quarterback in. I guess I could have been a 49er!

Courtney misses you and Jordi so much. She lost all of her childhood when she lost you. All her siblings gone. I feel so bad for her, son. We can feel you with us in special ways.

How I miss you every single day son. I think of you always with a smile and a huge crocodile tear in my heart.

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Hoosier guy, I wept at the story of your son, and then I was frikking mad! Mad that some low life would rip your son's life away from you. You are on the highest step of the ladder with this.

I hope you can connect with other parents who have lost their children to violence. I think about you and I just don't know how you wouldn't just want to hunt down and torture someone who has murdered your child. I hope you can be around people who allow you to show your anger. You should be enraged. I hope that the syeam from the anger will help to get you through all of the court battles/legal system. Hang in there.

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BRENDON, Sweet Angel Boy, please surround your Sister and Momma and all the friends and family who love and miss you...surround them with the energy of peace, let them feel that tingling that starts at the crown of their heads and travels through their bodies, letting them know that you are there, you are sitting there with them and you have touched them. Angel Boy, help them to know that the love they carry will  keep them safe in yours and your Brothers hearts for all of time. God Bless.

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Brendonandjordi's mom-what a terrible trauma you've been through and what a loving remembrance you have shared with us. It brought up such sweet tender feelings. May you and your daughter feel love come down around you.

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somersky I am sorry for your loss and hope your family can all hug and support each other through the sadness. Your dad is free now.

brendonandjordi the angel date as some call it is always a very emotional date made worse by the fact it falls on a world celebratory holiday. As you grieve the world rejoices in a New Year, very hard for you I am sorry. At least your boy died doing something he loved and just know that it would actually have been quick. The carbon dioxide levels would have risen very fast and caused him to lose consciousness and not be aware of what was happening. i know that is not enough to make you feel better no information is ever enough. my boy died in a fall from university dorms trying to save his suicidal friend who ironically survived the huge fall. they were both conscious on the ground but I know shock adrenaline and concussion would have dulled their senses too. i so wished i had been there to hold his hand but it was not to be he arrested in the ambulance and died shortly after in the ER from his terrible injuries. We always want what we did not get. The parents who were there when their child passed are just as traumatised as those that were not there is no "better" death. We all have to walk that path of sorrow. I feel for Courtney too the loss of siblings is very harsh. i know my 3 other adult children struggle from time to time and that certain dates and holidays spark the sadness in them too. They also have parents who are profoundly changed because of their loss, and it is for our survivng children that we strive to make a normality even if inside we feel broken still. it is upto us to show them there is life after loss and we learn to mourn mostly privately because they have suffered too and we need to help them heal.

So it is New Years whoopee do. I woke up late and have been mooching around the house not feeling the energy or desire to clean up or leave the house. i spent it alone as I always do going to bed before midnight because it is just not the same anymore. I woke with that crippling depressive feeling and shed a few tears for my boy Tommy who will spend another year in the afterlife. I know he is happy and healthy and the concept of time is different there it is us who are left behind who struggle. i know I am not alone that many of you will also experience that let down feeling, the sorrow and the inability to celebrate a year full of possibilities. i know later on I will pull myself together and do some housework and laundry and make myself face the day. the thought of a very uncertain year to come is frightening, will this surgery work? will I be employable and what will I do? how will I cope financially? all those crippling anxieties i have on top of the depression. i know just to take it one day at a time and breathe and see what unfolds over the months. do not look too far into the future because it can be overwhelming, just take it slowly and trust that you will be ok. We will all be ok.

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 Hello to all. I have thought about everyone here on the forum knowing how difficult the start of a new year can be.  To all  New members here, I’m sorry for your loss, it is a very difficult journey. However this group of people has helped me in more ways than could be known.

 Kate thank you for sharing the story of your mom and dad. 

 Susan I hope your health Tests doing well .

 Dee thanks for asking about me. 

I wanted to share about a woman ...I viewed her videos today. Her name is Maria dancing heart. One in particular stood out to me on how to avoid burnout. Some suggestions she said was to have some meditation space ...walks in nature and also to use essential oil such as frankincense. She said that particular oil is good for depression. It is very easy to not take care of oneself when one is carrying a very heavy load.

 This morning I sat looking out a window and noticed the full moon. I listen to my divine mercy  chaplet and just had some quiet time. It was much needed after such a busy month in December. I will probably post again later As I am so far behind in reading. Sending gentle thoughts to all.

 

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Gretchen. Thanks so much for your kind words. And everyone thank you. Still sitting at my dads bed side. He has barely been breathing for 2 or 3 days now. He is not responsive to word or tpuch. I cannot believe my family throwing arpund words like closure, grief, when god decided to.come. one even said to me i read it takes 7 years to get over a child. Another said well ypu didn get closure cause u werent with kira when she died. I have chosen to say absolutely nothing. It would be pointless. Thier total lack of understanding and respect for what i live with everyday does not surprise me at all. I am here for my dad and will continue to ignore thier ignorance and total lack of compassion. Not one of them has a clue. I wish it was you guys sittng here with me.

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Somersky, I am really sorry to hear about your father. I hope that you can now focus your attention on your Mom... as you mentioned that she too was unwell and also on your daughter. Your dad is now at peace and free of his worldly suffering.

LouAnn, I pray that your father will soon be released from his pain and will be at peace with his loved ones. Actually, you can tell whomever said that being with your child at the end is better does not know what they are saying. Losing our child under any circumstance is unbearable. Somehow in time we learn to pick up the pieces and begin to form a new life for ourselves. We were there with Jeff when he died. My husband performed CPR on him and felt him take his last breath. He is haunted to this day by that feeling. That vacant stare in his eyes at the moment we knew he was gone. Instead of focusing on that awful night we have chosen to push it down and remember the good and wonderful memories about him. And there were many indeed. He was a beautiful soul and I am so very proud to have called him my son. I agree with the posting that Lesley had earlier. They simply do not understand and truthfully...what does it really matter? How could they? Work on finding peace and joy in your life again. Your Kira will never be left behind as long as you try to continue to live your life in as positive a way as possible. That is the best way that you can honour her memory. She is with you every step of this journey despite the fact you can not see her. Her beauty of spirit and joy lives on.

Laurie, thank you for posting helpful information for everyone over these past several years. Your help has been invaluable to us all!

 

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Kate, brava to you for that incredible post in response to Luanne's. It was heartfelt and moving and I commend you. Luanne,  as you sit vigil for your father, I am so sorry that there are those who feel the need to give opinions about  what they READ about grief.  You are exhibiting tremendous courage. And if we could we would all be with you and Somersky as you face this difficult time.

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Sommersky, I am sorry that your Dad left so soon, but happy that he did not linger in pain or discomfort. He is with your Sweet Son. I hope that your Mom and your Daughter are okay and that you all will be able to lean on one another. I know that most will lean on you, being the center point for Mom and Daughter, but make sure that you lean on someone too, us and those friends of yours nearby.

Kate, I love that Niagra froze, I saw it in the news, it is astoundingly beautiful, the power frozen in place... I agree with Dianne, your post is spot on for Louanne.

Louanne, your Pops is going to leave soon and he has let you know that he will see your Girl. The rest of the family is probably trying their best to make mention of what you must have traveled, for them, this is the best that they can give more than likely. I am sorry but I am also proud of you to be sitting bedside as you let your Dad go and be able to just let folks say what they feel is somehow the 'truth'. The truth is inside of us each, and each of us know what grief is and what it has changed in us, in our lives...we each know that we were shattered in pieces and had to piece ourselves back into some semblance of a human again after losing our Child...we were jigsaws spread out over the floors, pieces strewn hither and yon, nobody could even find our corner pieces to get us started, we had to do that. The truth is in the puzzles we carry about. And that is fine.

Dianne, how are you and husband doing in this terrible freeze? It is maddening to not be able to go out in this weather as I tend to do in the winter...I did manage an outdoor walk yesterday, three kinds of hats and several layers on all other parts...gym today so at least I am not as hyper having had a workout.

Laurie, so good to know you are there, I am glad that you continue to find inspiration for your soul and spirit. And that you share it with us...thank you.

Leah, doctor tomorrow by chance?

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I took Tommy a small bunch of winter flowers from my garden today, and donated the money I would have spent on him at Xmas to two local homeless charities in my area. I want to help effect positive change in my city's growing population of homeless and addicts in his memory. Strangers helped him when he needed it, I am repaying their kindness every year.

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Kate, your post was so filled with such raw emotion, it was heartwrenching.  I admire your sharing that.

Awhile ago I read somewhere where a parent who had lost a child seemed to find that after a little time some people questioned her grief.  She started telling those with kids to go home and look directly into a mirror and say the name of their child--followed by the words "is dead". The pain that hits them in the gut is what she will live with the rest of her life---x1000 because for her it was not pretend.

Yes, Dee it is brutally cold here also.  We were at -8F(actual temp)(-22C) this morning and I never did hear the windchill. I have been tucking some bread into the evergreens for the birds. I do my walking i  the house so I am good no matter what the weather.  I will say my joints are not happy with this cold. We are just hanging out in the house with what seems like the furnace running non-stop!

Lesley,  that is so nice of you to do that for the homeless.  Pay it forward! is a good thing.

 

 

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Hello all on this 1st day 2018.    Somersky I am so sorry for the loss of your father and Louann you are in my thoughts as you are with your father as he journeys home.   It is so hard no matter the time of year, but an extra hurt during the holiday season.      It seems it is so easy for some folks who have not dealt with the grief of losing a child to give advice .   No one goes down this grief journey the same.   I agree with Kate, I was with Sarah when she died,  and no matter how they die  those last days and moments leave memories that are so hard if you have witnessed it.    We learn how to look beyond that pain with time,  but it does take time.     Susan you are in my thoughts and prayers as you face another surgery and recover.

I had an experience yesterday while at Rachel"s.   We were looking out the window at a bird,  and she wondered what it was.     I told her I thought it was a Cardinal. Right after I said that 2 gorgeous red cardinals flew on to the bush beside the other bird ( which was a brown female cardinal )    I said to her that there is an old folk saying that Cardinal's signify a visit from someone from heaven.  We both said at the same time maybe  it was from Sarah and Heather. Now, I can be a skeptic and find a reason for things that happen ( Which is probably why I haven't seen many signs from Sarah in the nearly 6 years since she died)   But somehow.....  I felt that these cardinals were indeed a message from heaven.   They were flying around so seemingly happy on a cold winter day.    I believe that both Sarah and Heather are joyful and happy to be together again and wanted us to know.   It felt good.

We woke to 5 below zero temps this morning and no water.  The nut that I am, I forgot to shut the garage door last night. We live in an apartment.  Took much of the day to thaw out and will have a high electric bill from cranking the heat up .    Hope everyone is doing well in spite of the weather .  

Have a restful evening.

Sandy

 

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Thanks Diane I feel so close to you in dates and time   I hope we make it, though some days I don’t think I will when the breath leaves my body because I’m knocked to the floor as it hits me like tsunami  but I’m trying I still have so much to live for just want my boys by my side enjoying and living life like they should be. So hard another friend got married this Christmas breaks my heart when I see them all together james should be there too living his life. Xxx 

 

The old healer to the soul:

It's not your back that hurts, but the burden.

It's not your eyes that hurt, but injustice.

It's not your head that hurts, it's your thoughts.

Not the throat, but what you don't express or say with anger.

Not the stomach hurts, but what the soul does not digest.

It's not the liver that hurts, it's the anger.

It's not your heart that hurts, but love.

And it is love itself that contains the most powerful medicine.

 (UnknownAuthor)

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Georgina, it is good to see you. How are you feeling? Any medical issues still troubling you?

Oh Sandy, I am sorry about the pipes, but glad that you were able to warm up the area enough to get it going again. In this kind of cold, so many things break or just stop working. I hope that you are snuggled up with blankets tonight and sleeping peacefully.

the high temperature today was 1 degree in Chicago. Holy Cow. Everyone in the cold areas of the world, please be careful with yourselves, pack extra hats and gloves and an extra pair of socks too for the car or to have in your bag on public transport, just in case.

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Hi all. Someone has been staying overnight with my dad each night. Tonight my mom thought we should all go home at 9.00 thinking perhaps he was waiting for us all to leave. He has been holding on for days now. My dad was a big strong handsome man. He probably doesnt weigh more than 110 lbs now. Every bone in his body is sticking out. His cheeks and eyes are sunk in. He is unconscious and no response to anything. He doesnt look anything like my dad. When i put kiras picture and an angel in his hand a few days ago he became so peaceful and with this misson now to look after kira. He told me when you hear im gone know that i will be with kira. He is barely breathing but just keeps going on. I have told nurse to call me if he passes in the night. It is 1241 and im just sitting here by the phone. I cant bear that someone isnt with him but my mothers wishes were to let him go tonight. I have held his hands, stroked his face and forehead. I sang amazing grace and Jesus loves me to him. I told him to just let go and take kiras hands. I told him that kira will teach him to dance and on a full moon i will see them dancing a jig. I am remembering him putting me on a two wheeler and giving me a push. Away you go he said. Sorry im just rambling. I expressed my disappointment in my family how they have brushed me aside the last six years, etc they had nothing to say. Just looked dumb founded. Not even one teeny tiny clue...not one clue any of them. Guess that is why i am yapping here to my real friends who are like family and will never leave me. I thank everyone for your kind words and support. I will keep you posted.

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louann I feel your pain and anxiety over your dad i hope it is not too much longer before he goes to Kira. i understand your mum's thinking actually although it may seem a little harsh. I have seen how quite a few patients did slip away when their family has left. They are never alone just remember that. Kira will be there for him with a big hug. Love the thought of them dancing a jig together! Not everyone will ever understand what we bereaved parents go through it is a pain like no other so i guess we just have to live with that. I popped into my parents for a cup of tea after going to the churchyard with red eyes, my sister was also there and nothing was said guess they have to find their ways of coping. I have learned that somethings cannot be understood by others unless they have been experienced by themselves so on a tough day I stay at home alone giving myself time to experience the emotion and move on again. all my xmas stuff is down ready to be packed away still have the tree to do. Glad that holiday is behind me for another year.

georgina I love that poem so true. Hope you are doing ok.

sandy love the cardinals showing up to cheer your soul. In the last couple of days my rosebush produced one last bloom despite gales rain and freezing temperatures so i took it to Tommy with a few other late blooms in my garden a gift from the heart.

kate you are so brave sharing the details of your Jeff's final moments and how you try to live again seeking peace in the world, bravo to you. reading that helps me to accept that being with your child at their passing is not always the gift we think it will be, a double edged sword.

dee jigsaws and puzzle pieces an excellent way to describe grief.

stay warm everyone. I have to go and buy a cheap washing machine as mine gave up the ghost on New Year's eve. Life goes on and so does the chore of laundry!

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Good lluck on a new washing machine Lesley...laundry definitely keeps piling up even when we don't want it to. Peace.

Sandy, I love the bird visit and that you felt it being something special...a visit of angels, a way and a signal to let you and Rachael know that the Girls are together again and that they are good. A gift to hold close to your hearts and that you got to share it was great. Did the house warm up sufficiently?

Louanne, prayers that Dad will let go and find his flight most lovely, speeding alongside his Grandgirl to the heavens.

 

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On 1/1/2018 at 6:09 AM, ericasmom said:

BRENDON, Sweet Angel Boy, please surround your Sister and Momma and all the friends and family who love and miss you...surround them with the energy of peace, let them feel that tingling that starts at the crown of their heads and travels through their bodies, letting them know that you are there, you are sitting there with them and you have touched them. Angel Boy, help them to know that the love they carry will  keep them safe in yours and your Brothers hearts for all of time. God Bless.

Thank you Dee, for your kind and comforting words. I could feel them. thank you.

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