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momofJustin

Loss of an Adult Child

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Merry Christmas!

Joyeux Noel

Feliz Navidad

Hope you find a few simple moments of beauty and calm...

to reflect and remember...

to feel the wonder that is Christmas.

Kate 

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Merry as can be Christmas to you all. I hope that somehow, some way, the day holds a bit of magic.

The sun is bright in the sky, blue blue skies, and sparkle in the air as the wind blows crystals of snow...cold air coming in so I am going to get a nice Christmas walk in now, before the colder winds arrive.

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We just went to the cemetery.  But I just know she is not there.  In my minds eye I could see a long table that stretched as far as the eye could see with crisp white linen table clothes where all our angels are together waiting for their Christmas dinner.  If I didn’t believe this, I simply could not live.   

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it was a noisy chaotic day with my 3 kids their cousin, my sister and i and my parents. pretty lovely day I only lost it briefly when we make toasts to family members at Xmas lunch. I heard my son Ross tell my dad he was going to toast to Tommy and my dad whisper back "No she is happy don't spoil it". I replied to Ross to go ahead because I felt unable to find my words and was not going to let the toast go unsaid. the tears came quick and fast and I slipped into the kitchen to clear the plates and gather myself. My kids all gave me a quick hug and i silently washed dishes with the tears flowing but only for a short while. i will go to the churchyard at some point in the next couple days but am trying to keep the mood upbeat for everyone else. my kids are here for such a short time it is important to make new memories take silly photos and eat and drink celebrating family time together. We do not do the religious stuff as none of us believe after losing Tommy.

tina glad you got Sena will you be able to have her brother as well at some point?

louann love that you made some smiles and shared them with us small steps my friend. Did you take Kira any purple flowers? change is difficult for many of us but we cannot stay in the same place life forces us on.

dianne i posted that same poem on Tommy's FB page today.

dee nice you have snow here it is windy and wet.

to all of my friends here i echo kate's dee and tina's wishes they said it so well.

sandy i am sorry for the loss of your dear friend. Xmas time is even worse because it is always a jolly festival of celebration in stores, churches and on tv and is the total opposite of how the grieving feel. My son's friend lost his mum very unepectedly the morning of xmas eve she was found dead in bed. Quite horrifying. She was alcoholic but in remission so is unexplained but there was probably internal damage to her organs. She was 48 very sad.

mamabear do what you feel is right there is no rulebook for visiting graves. Some of us go often others not so often it does not matter because our spirit kids are with us everywhere not left in the ground. Their earthly shells are not needed, they exist in the light. we are all different in the ways we deal with dying, burials or grief all of them are fine we do what feels right to ourself and never mind anyone else, it is a personal choice. If someone is negative they just do not understand and negative opinions usually come from ignorant people who have not walked in the shoes of a bereaved parent.

georgina i hope your health is ok the cold winter does not help bones and joints for sure and the lack of sun lowers spirits.

I am thankful for all my family who are here with me and to my tommy I wish you could have been with us but I know you will be watching us and nodding your approval you know how much you are missed.

To all of our brave members here, we made it through a Xmas day. For some it is the first, for others it may be years further on but we are all missing our spirit children but we are still standing.

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I am so glad that it is december 26th. I am always happy that Christmas gets done with. We babysat for 5 hours this morning...it was nice to be home with the kids looking and playing at their new things. They both still have residual colds and it is far too cold for them outside, with a high of 5 degrees and a strong wind chill...so we played and made playdough and just got back to basics without the hype. Nice. Now I will go to the gym even though my back is half out, I need to walk and this cold is not good to be out in...s ooff to the gym for some good old fashioned walking and working out. Ahhhh. Good to be on this side of the holiday.

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Dee, it looks as if you made the right decision to stay indoors on such a chilly day. We are experiencing a true Canadian deep freeze right now. It supposedly is breaking records from what I have heard. We have what is also called the wind chill factor that registers the way the temps actually feel. So today we are at -30C... but it actually feels more like -40. We are supposedly going down to -50C tonight with the wind chill. We have an extreme weather alert. Exposed skin can freeze in less than a minute. We are a hardy bunch and also loony to stay here. Last year we were breaking records for high temps at this time. It is warm and cozy inside and it looks as if all outdoor activities will be put on hold until this breaks. From what I understand they are also experiencing very chilly weather in Calgary from what my son tells me. They are off skiing to Revelstoke and Kicking Horse in BC and I sure hope it improves really soon. 

I have made a decision to make a brief getaway to the mountains this spring to just sit and relax for a few days. I want to see the girls and my son. I am craving some time alone for sure. Ross will stay here...sometimes you just need some time to yourself. 

LouAnn, I see you are having quite a bit of snow in your area. My brother is pleased as he has a place in Collingwood and was hoping to be able to ski this week. I see that poor Nova Scotia was hit again and many places are without power for the past several days. Crazy weather for sure. 

Mama Bear...how are you coping? It would have been very difficult to visit the cemetery for the first time. We have a bench that we donated to a provincial park area that stretches along the lake very close to where we live.. We walk along the trails into the site frequently and sit on the bench weather permitting. I know it is hard to actually absorb that this has happened. It will become a little bit easier as time goes by. Never good.... but just different.

Tina, how are you? When do you start your new job? 

Lesley, it sounds as if your family gathering yesterday was very nice. To have everyone gathered together around you must be very comforting. We tried to catch the Queen's message, but must have missed it... as we did not figure out Greenwich ( London) time in time. :rolleyes: We read and saw pics however of the Royals leaving church after Xmas Day services in the papers today. 

Sandy, I hope that yesterday as hard as it must have been saw some moments of happiness and smiles. We have a small plaque on Jeff's bench that reads...Love and Memories Endure. Thank God for our ability to recall all of the wonderful and special times we shared with our loved ones. Even through the tears he still makes me smile.

Thinking of everyone and wishing you ALL a warm and peaceful few days ahead. We are digging in tonight and watching the rest of The Crown and hopefully sipping on something hot and comforting.

Kate

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Hi there...

i know I haven’t been here for a bit. So... my dad has stage 4 lung cancer. He is terminal and this has all happened from diagnosis December 22. They found a massive tumour in his lung and lesions on the liver and cancer in the bones and spine. That cancer ... it is very aggressive and fast! It’s been tough ... losing Skylar last year flattened me... losing my father....!!!!!

he isn’t himself... he’s in acute care ward and so different..it’s sad! My dilemma is our daughter is here from university until January 8th and we were supppsed to go home tomorrow... I don’t think he will make it. I want to stay to support my mother (she has waldonstoms... a type of lymphoma) and she needs support and help. I know my dad is beyond treatment ... within hours how someone can decline!

what do I do? I feel I need to be here for my mom and be with my dad while I can... but others make me feel guilty because our daughter is here from university and I should be spending time with her?

wow... life and it’s curveballs!!! Enough already

A cute picture of my dad with Skylar...

btw... when my dad found out I was pregnant with Skylar ...he stopped smoking!!!! He is 80

A650D3A5-1DE6-4188-8AA2-0714F80793E4.jpeg

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somersky we missed you. So sorry to hear about your dad and to be diagnosed as terminal immediately is shocking. i guess you need to weigh up the pros and cons yourself whilst reading posts with their suggestions and go with your gut. The loss of a parent is very hard as you have had them all your life. i also understand you wanting to spend time with your daughter too. My advice for what it is worth is to spend as much time with your dad as you can so that when the inevitable happens you will know you got to say and do all you could and feel at peace with your decision. If all that is acheived in a couple days then go to see your daughter. If however you feel you need the whole time with your parents then be honest with your daughter and tell her you really need to be with your dad and mum because this is the last time you will be able to see and help him. you can make arrangements for a future visit to your girl a little later. facing the loss of your dad must be so scary I cannot imagine life without my mum and dad even though they are 79 and 84. I get that they are old and it is an inevitable part of life but I see them all the time they live 5 mins away from me and I need them as much as they need me. They have been incredible since I lost Tommy in2015 and so supportive through my breakdown and slow recovery, then driving me to and from the hospital for all my ankle surgeries and doing food shopping and taking care of my cat etc. They are aging fast now and are a little shaky and forgetful but still a strong force within our family. i know we have been incredibly lucky to have them this long and for them to be such a part of our kids lives too. None of the people I know have both parents most have neither so I try and spend as much time being with them and helping them out as I can as without them I would not be here. A tough choice for you to make but you and you alone must decide what is right for you and do not have regrets because once a decision is made and carried out it is done. You make the best decision at that time with what you have got because that is where you are in life at that moment.

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Somersky, I am so sorry to hear about your father. Lesley is right, you need to go with your heart. I was not close to my parents so my thoughts are not pertinent. Your daughter is essentially grown so she can understand the circumstances. Take care of yourself and do what is right in heart.

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Luanne, yes that is Michael at one of the last Christmases he had with his girlfriend.

Kate,  sounds like a nice getaway you are planning. Good for you.

We got to spend about 45 minutes of FaceTime with our Piper at Christmas. She usually gets bored after about 5 so it was good for us. My daughter and her husband were present too so it was really good. Some sadness for sure but some light too. Windchills here are -18...and more snow to come...

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Somersky... I, too am sorry to hear about your father. I think that the advice that was given by Lesley and Dianne is spot on. Your daughter is at an age that surely she will understand your need to be with your parents at this difficult time. Staying to give your support to your mom is very important. What a lovely picture of Skylar and your dad. So much to absorb in such a short time. Please keep posting and let us know how everyone is doing. 

Dianne, how lovely to be able to have that face time with the family. I am not in the least surprised that the little one could not stand still for more than five minutes. This is a huge and busy time for little ones. My grandies were the same. I listened to the sounds of Star Wars stuff that they had to play for me. They were so full of excitement that it did my heart good.

I feel a real need for the first time in my life to get away alone and just be. I am totally exhausted in both body and spirit.. and it seems to have finally caught up to me this past little while. I had some very disturbing news regarding my friend that lost her husband so suddenly this summer. She apparently had an accident  and drove into the ditch while taking herself to the hospital the other night. Her depression was far deeper than I recognized. She kept it hidden so well. She is now in the hospital and thankfully was not hurt when her vehicle went into the ditch but psychologically she is spent. They are keeping her for observation. And all this time I thought she was in the city at her daughter's for Christmas. I had absolutely no idea she was there alone. This is such a difficult time for those that have lost a loved one... as we are all too well aware of. I feel as if I have failed her badly. I of all people should have honed into her depression. Like Jeff she did not show it. 

I have stayed on this site after all of these years to help those that have no one to give them support. My own father died when I was 21 and my mother did not handle his death at all well. She struggled for years with both health and mental health issues that we were needed to support her with. And we did. She has been dead for several years and I still feel like it was perhaps a year or two ago since she passed. I have never had support from parents. Not once did my mother ever give me a hug or a kiss to my knowledge. She spent the last four years of her life in the hospital... as she was far too unwell to be on her own. Because we stood by her during the difficult times we have never felt as if we have a thing to regret. I do not have to look back and feel that I somehow had let them down. I did what I felt in my heart was the right thing to do. That is really all that I have ever done to be honest.

I want to make a fresh start. I want to take off this heavy sweater of grief and breathe again. I need to feel the warmth of the sun on my face and the fresh air filling my lungs. I want to be happy again. It feels very close.

 

 

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What a hard circumstance Somersky...I agree with Lesley and Dianne, the only one who can make this hard decision is you, and no matter which decision you make, you are making the right one for you, for your life. This is what is most important here, making sure that at this time in your life, you move forward in the steps you feel are most nourishing to your spirit and soul and that is that. You are still young on this road, loss of your sweet Boy is still new, so please know that you cannot make this okay for everyone...you have to make this okay for you with the love you have for your Dad and your Daughter. Sly sits on your shoulder letting you know that there is no wrong way to go here, even if you feel you are letting someone down. I hope that your Girl can support you in whatever way you decide. She too is early in her grief. I love the photo you posted here, a lovely glimpse into an early joyous time. This is the miracle isn't it? That we were able to have these kinds of times.

Blessings to you as you travel another hard road. Keep us posted if you can.

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Kate, I am sorry for your friend, but will scold you to think you should have recognized her depression. When folks keep it hidden, they are very good about it and probably quite private. She was probably also unaware of how low she was. Recognizing it is a huge step and I am glad that she is being observed for now. You helped your friend when she needed you and you can help her going forward but to have known was not yours to be responsible for. I think a trip alone sounds good, it offers you some new thing to experience, a quiet and freedom of sorts that you have never had. I hope that you can do this.

Dianne, it is the same here weather wise, very bitterly cold, sunny and dangerously cold, The high today is 5 degrees I think. Tomorrow more snow and warmer, so maybe 18 degrees which is fine by me, I love when it is in the low to mid 20's. So here's hoping it gets there this week.

Sherry, how was the holiday for you and Denny?

Leah, I was glad to read that Senna came home to your house. Good deal for both you and She. I pray that you continue to get stronger and healthier.

Susan, how is your health? What are the doctors proposing?

Laurie, how are you feeling? Did you get a bit of a break over the holiday, I mean from work? I know your household was busy as you have your Little Guy there. Such good news on that.

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kate staying here to help others is a big sacrifice of your time and energy and I thank you for it. Taking off the sweater of grief sounds good and I hope you find some time to be alone on a vacation with the wind in your face and a feeling of space and freedom you deserve it. I am sad for your friend but it is not too late her wellbeing will be supported by mental health specialists which is what she needs. maybe the accident lowered her defences and was actually a small blessing in disguise. I know nobody knew the huge internal struggles I was suffering at the time because you are afraid to let people in because you feel out of control and scared and ashamed for not coping like everyone around you, and sadly mental illness is still a big stigma. You are such a kind compassionate person no thanks to your upbringing which sounds quite cold. I am sorry your mum never hugged or kissed you that is a form of neglect ,and abusive. no child should have to grow up feeling unappreciated or unloved and i think it shaped you into the strong and caring woman you are.

somersky make peace with yourself when you decide in which direction to go it will be ultimately the right decision trust yourself.

dianne how lovely to enjoy some facetime with your little Piper. Xmas is still magical and special for little ones and us older ones experience joy through seeing theirs.

dee enjoy the snow, it beautifies and softens everything and you are forced to slow down the pace, except for shovelling the driveway! Snuggle up inside with a hot drink and light a fire.  i remember the big snowfalls we sometimes had back in PA and the infectious joy of my kids playing in the snow. As I live by the coast in the UK we very rarely get snow and then only an inch but usually only a slight coating. My kids have gone back now to their homes and its very quiet, but it was great to see them and be together playing games and watching movies.

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Oh Lesley, there are 65 inches of snow in Erie Pennsylvania in just 3 days, they are buried in snow and more on the way, at least 10 more inches. Now that is a bit much...hard for the whole are to operate in any capacity. We have more snow tomorrow I hope. I could not stay inside today, had to get some sun on my face so put on double pants, big snow boots, and several layers of hats, scarves, and coats...I just went for about 1.5 miles but it was necessary. My back is not great today nor for the last 3 days, so I did what I could out in the cold. I wish I could go for my after dinner walk but it is 0 out now and so we shall let it go for another time. I am glad that you had time with the Kids, that must have felt good. Now quiet again and I hope a peaceful start to the new year.

Dianne, how nice to visit with your precious Grand Girl and family. Sounds like you are a favorite to her just as she is for you. Lovely. Did she do any singing while you visited?

Life goes on my Friends, all around us and within us and we are still here because we are supposed to be. May we all find our steps in 2018.

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God bless Antonio on this special day.

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cheryl it has been a while I hope you are doing ok? Happy birthday to your son Tony. I know he will be looking down on you. I hope you can remember this special day with some happy memories and not too many tears. It is hard to celebrate a spirit birthday isn't it because it is bittersweet.

dee I lived in Exton PA quite close to Philadelphia about 45 minutes and I don't think they got the snow at all. I bet you felt good after that bracing walk outside. Today with all my kids gone I just took it easy and watched movies and drank tea. I will deal with the laundry and housework tomorrow it will still be there. I am so used to a silent house and although I loved seeing the family and the noisy chaos it was a little overwhelming at times and I had to occasionally briefly retreat to clear my head. There were late nights too which I made efforts to participate in and as for mornings I am a bit of a grump until I have had at least 2 large cups of coffee and quiet time to read the news!

so the next holiday is New Year. Never been much of a fan since I left the USA I often just go to bed but i wanted to echo dee's words becuase she summed it up so well

17 hours ago, ericasmom said:

Life goes on my Friends, all around us and within us and we are still here because we are supposed to be. May we all find our steps in 2018

 

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Lesley. So nice of Ross to toast Tommy and your sweet father trying to protect you. We all worry people forget our kids but those who truly loved them will always remember. Give yourself a pat on the back , you rose above and gave your family a wonderful day with new memories to cherish all the while with your broken heart limping along. I have always hated New Years, that stupid song. But now I’m too old to stay up that late. Your surgery coming up soon, right.

Dianne.  Thanks for sharing michaels picture. I will picture him in my mind when you talk about him now  Bet Piper was so excited.  Do they live in another state. Do you get to visit much?

tina and mamma bear.  How did things go,. The first Christmas is the most painful. I hope even a little light found its way into your day. 

Dee. Bet the two little ones were so precious to see at Christmas. Nothing so beautiful as that pure innocent joy of children on Christmas morning.  Glad u enjoy your walks in the snow. I will curl up in front of the fire with my hot chocolate and see you in may.  Lol

Kate so glad to hear u feel close to happiness. That offers so much hope to all of us.  I hope you find it.  I’m sure the girls were such a joy as all kids should be at Christmas time.  You absolutely did not miss any sign from your friend. I am the worlds expert on smiling, talking engaging with people while my head is telling me the opposite. I know some people have red flags but not all.  I wish your friend the best. I hope you can peel off that grief sweater and please share to light the way for the rest of us.  U are so courageous. 

Susan, hope u r feeling better. Let us know how u are doing.  

Leah, now u have Sena, are you going to be able to get your grandson too. I hope your daughter is getting some help. 

Becky how did your surgery go. Hope u are able to still read here.

Georgina, are you feeling any better. How did you manage things at Christmas.  

Colleen, Sherri.  Bet u guys are getting the chilly weather too. I think Kate has us all beat in Winnipeg for the coldest.    How did your christmases go. Do you find they get a little easier each year.

devianz...u still out there. Let us know how things r going if you can. 

Sandy.  How was your Christmas. I can’t help but think of your friends three kids. U will be a life line for that family. Sadly you know that this is just the first ripple in the water for them.  

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somer sky.  How is your father doing. I am in the same boat as u right now in regards to my father. We knew this would be his last Christmas. It was sad but we all muddled thru.  On Boxing Day he did not have enough strength to walk up the stairs anymore and his bed was brought downstairs. Yesterday an ambulance was called. And he is in hospital. When I went into to see him, he told me he was ready to go. He was totally coherent, knew who I was and his surroundings and in no pain. I put a picture of Kira and a little angel that I grabbed at the last minute on my way out the door, into his hand. I told him Kira says never be afraid to die cause I am waiting in the sky.  I said she is waiting for you dad.  I need you to look after her. I can’t be with her yet cause I stil have the two boys to look after. He had a total peace come over him. He would not let go of those two items even when they undressed him and went for X-rays. Someone tied a telemetry bag around his neck to put the picture and the angel in for him. He keeps touching them. My sister in law a nurse told me he feels he has a job now, a mission. He said to me, when u hear that I am gone, know I will be with her.  I was not expecting this reaction, but I gave my dad total peace and the sereness in his face was amazing. Of course we are not telling my husband any of this as he does not believe as I do and this would upset him. He is on antibiotics today and perked up a little. Nobody can tell us if he has six minutes or six months, but he has found his peace. I know everyone is different but I share this with you in case it may heIp you to know You are not alone right now.. Everyone’s situation is different. But please know I am feeling the same pain as you are in losing a father. If I can do anything for you or u want to talk please let me know.  Prayers for you and your family at this difficult time.

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Louanne, I am sorry that your Dad is such a state but so so happy that he feels the peace that awaits him. He feels the serenity of knowing...and part of that knowing is the promise of seeing his beautiful GrandGirl again. Hold tight to that knowledge, that assurance that you just took a giant step forward in fitting your heart's pieces together.

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just got on the site today and did some reading...sending thoughts of care to all.....have to go back in the hospital....surgery is soon. Please stay safe and warm.

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Susan, many prayers and positive thoughts to you and to the surgeons. May good health greet you in the New Year.

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