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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
momofJustin

Loss of an Adult Child

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I had to download the picture of the tree. Although when I was looking to see if was in my phone prior, I saw a pic of my daughter and didn't remember when I'd seen it before. I tried finding it again and I can't. Maybe it will pop in later when I'm not looking for it again. 

I've been thinking lately that maybe the reason my daughter didn't want to see me on the weekend when she came home was because she knew I'd know something was wrong and question her until she told me. I know she was hurt around this time last year. She started drinking more. She probably knew I'd know. 

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Tina, I am sorry to hear about your friend's son. How heartbreaking.

Thank you for sharing the pic of your tree. You have quite an artistic flair.  What type of branches do you use? The studio where I went for yoga was above an artist's studio. She made willow furniture. The aroma was wonderful as we went through our routine. It wafted up the stairs. The scent was so fresh and relaxing. Gretchen and you should get together to compare notes.

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I too love the rustic natural design of this tree Tina. I love using what is found in nature to design peaceful installations. Each year, I take leaves from the ground and put them on the copier and make copies for my students to write poetry on and to make cards. Nothing more pretty than the real thing.

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Thank you.  There are trees right beside my apartment, I don't know what kind. I just picked some dead branches and laid them in the yard deciding height and width. It was peaceful but sad at the same time. I don't think I'm very artistic but keep practicing till desired affect. I used fishing line (haha) and tacks to go attached to wall. I found the idea on Pinterest and used what was easiest for me. I'm not sure yet how I'm going to get the lights on without the branches falling off. I'll figure something out. Surprisingly enough, the kitten has left it alone. 

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I wonder if you can gently weave the lights between the branches, or place tacks to wind lights around...

 

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Tina, I agree with Dee. You could also buy a small box of very tiny white lights that do not weigh much. They are primarily used for wrapping around wreaths, etc. Using small tacks and gently draping them through the branches should do the trick.

Dianne, do you have any special plans to honor Michael on his special day? We keep it very low keyed and quietly recognize the day. We usually walk into the bench and take some flowers. This year as it happens we will be working in the afternoon distributing toys for an organization in our area.  Hopefully we will be able to place the flowers at the bench in the morning. 

Jean, I hope that this first holiday without your child will be filled with much love as you come to together with your family. Good for you for taking on the dinner. I will be thinking of you.

Susan, I imagine you are up to your yin yang in preparation if I know you. Have a truly wonderful day with your family.

Lesley, how is the garden coming along? I hope to be able to check it out in the next week or so.

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dianne and I have been in communication after I inadvertently upset her with my post. She has accepted my apology but has decided to step away for a little while to regain her strength and purpose. We all know how that feels. Keep her in your thoughts and I hope she will return when she feels ready. The angel date is the worst date of the year yet there are also other dates that cause us distress and make us stumble especially around the holidays.

tina I like the natural tree it is different, simple yet beautiful. I am sorry for your friend's loss. I am struggling with the loss of Tommy's friend Mikey. I have been very sad and often tearful and lacking in energy since I heard the news. it kind of compound your own personal loss. Just when you think you are doing ok a big bump in the road knocks you off your feet and you fall down again. That is sadly part of the journey lots of falls, but gradually you find your feet again and get up.

jean it is wonderful you will hold your thanksgiving dinner with your family. There will probably be tears but also I hope some remembrances of happy times. This will be the first time i do not hold Thanksgiving dinner since moving back to the UK. my children are all away working and saving some holiday to come down for Xmas. My parents and sister obviously dont celebrate it and dont like some of the American dishes but I will wish you all well and hope you enjoy Thanksgiving as much as you are able to.

my garden is pretty colourless and sleeping which makes me sad. I am concentrating on growing cacti and always have a bunch of flowers in my family room. Just as we need to hibernate away from everything sometimes so my garden needs to enter a rest period before coming back to life in the spring i just need to be patient and let Nature do its thing.

 

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I believe that it was around the third year that the full impact of Jeff's death finally hit hard. The reality that he was gone and not coming back hit full force. Every special occasion was a nightmare as I tried to work my way through feeling his absence. I, too, feel that I need to take a step away as I can honestly say that I am now at peace with my son's death. I have learned that happiness can indeed find its way back into your life...a new but different kind of happiness that has grown since his death. What I have also learned is that there are no short cuts. You have to work at it really hard. At the end of the day when you log off you are left facing this loss on your own to deal with. The newer ones need to step forward and give back as the older ones have so kindly given. Showing that we are moving on in a positive way is not a sign of disrespect... but a healthy sign. Unfortunately as many are at different stages we can be misunderstood and tempers flare up. I don't want to deal with it any longer. I am tired. I have my own family to look after. My Jeff is DEAD and he is not coming back. He will always be with me in my heart. Every occasion he will celebrate with us... and I know he is at peace and I will see him again. Thanksgiving can also represent the wonderful gift that we had been given the joy for even just a short time of a very special child to parent. They were not ours to begin with. God has taken them back to Him. I am grateful to everyone that was there to help me over such a difficult time. Thank you from the bottom of my heart and I sincerely wish you peace again one day.

Kate

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The sun is shining in Wisconsin.  During the winter, sun is hard to come by.

This morning, my husband said to me "I have more Christmas spirit this year than I have had in a long time."

Even though I feel the pain of Brians death daily, I want to support my Husband and finally smile a few times during the holidays.

i really hope others can find some joy this season.  I do know how hard that is, but moving forward with the memories of our boy is work...hard work.  

Love to all my friends.

Colleen, Brians Mom forever

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kate I am so sad to see you leave but thank you for the years of support you have selflessly given to help others in their time of need. You will be missed. However I am glad to hear you say you have found peace after losing Jeff this is a milestone we all hope one day to reach. It is indeed a healthy sign and you are so right, Jeff is with you always and forever.

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Newer members do need to try and fill your absence so that this forum continues to be a beacon of light in a dark world.

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I hate to see Folks that I deeply care about, leave this site. We are all of us grieving. We are all of us grieving on our own, and in group. We are snowflakes, each of us different, so each of us may take something said out of care, differently. Please don't leave due to this...there is room for all of our interpretations. I care so much about you all. I had to step away many years ago for a while just cause my heart was on overload, but I am always grateful to have come back. I give thanks for each and every person here and for their beautiful children that brought us together.

Somehow,

peace

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Colleen, so glad that your husband is feeling more of the spirit of the season...we heal in ways we never thought possible, and no, it does not mean we are ever done grieving, but we change and find joy again. So good.

Kate, you have been a strong voice and heart here on our old site. I shall miss your lovely and loving ways. Peace and may the road be smooth.

 

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Happy Thanksgiving, my friends,

Yes, the empty chair will be here, letting us know what we no longer have.  But new people have joined our gathering...friends, who walk with us.  They also know our beloved.  

May the good memories our our babies bring a smile to our face.  May the next generations help us move forward while still caring our babies in our hearts.

I love you, Brian.  I am forever your Mother

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May this day of Giving Thanks touch your hearts in ways that allow your heart to hold every great memory you have...

My husband and I took a wonderful walk through the local forest preserve under the sunny skies, with our little people, and nothing could have made this day more lovely. The Kids really observe nature and enjoy touching fallen trees and mosses that grow, mushrooms on the sides of logs, sticks, they loved throwing chunks of ice into the puddles from where the ice formed. Oh the delights of an hour with the Kids outdoors. Delight. I give deep thanks.

For those of us new here and those of us here a long while, respect your spirit, the bitter is part of the sweet...it is okay to let the tears flow. Later today I will post my old poem from my first Holiday time with loss...

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Sorry I haven't posted, been ill again.  I am alright.. not giving up.  I didn't get Sena here for Thanksgiving, but I am still thankful.  She seems to be handling things well.  I still don't know if my daughter will have to serve any time.   I did get to go to court (though I had no say.. just there for support) we got to take the kids out to eat for dinner.  I so loved being with them.  

I understand so much the ups and downs all the parents go through.  I hope today you all find a little bit of peace..  a little bit of happiness and may you all feel your angels all around you.  I have missed the new comers, and angel days.. but my heart is here.

I too understand the leaving.. I have left, but have always felt the need to come back, it just gives so much support at least to just read.

My third home study visit is this coming Tuesday and then they will finally make their minds up about what they will do.  I am trying to be patient, trying to be positive..  all I want is for my grandkids to survive this mess as unharmed as they can.

Bless you all

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Blessings Leah, so good to see you here on Thanksgiving...another reason to give thanks. I will send good energy for the third home visit. I also will send healing hope to you. Are you taking meds or not necessary?

 

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I hope all of you who celebrate Thanksgiving have a busy and family filled day. Yes there will be an empty chair, a special person missing but I hope you can share memories of happier times so there may be some smiles amongst the tears. thinking of you all this holiday.

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Missing From the Table

 

Warm lights pour  outdoors

From the well lit dining room within where they gather-

Around a large table,

Laughter is heard

And everyone is smiling-

I am a voyeur.

And from the wet pavement

I walk with my memories-

Remembering our warm lights and the clatter of silverware-

The faces and the laughter

Around our large family –

 

But now a void,

an empty chair,

She is missing from the table.

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Dee, thank you so much.  I have been fighting this alone.  I haven't felt I was able to go to the dr yet.  I have stated to them that I am not currently doctoring and I really try to be honest, so I hope that if I am not doing better by Tuesday I will go in.  I get my strength built up for the day but by night I hurt and feel so bad..  might be wrong.. but just can't dr until the visits are over.  I keep hoping it goes away but am sure I will need something to kick it.  It shouldn't last this long.

 

All in all though.. I am doing alright.  Holidays are bittersweet.. our angels are missed, but they want us to go on.. and I do that for my whole family..   I have to be the best me I can be.

Hope everybody is well, I do think of you always.  I sure do love to read your writings Dee..  Thank you for being you.

Quote

 

 

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Georgina----Thank you for your kind sentiment for Lisa's Angel day.  It is

very much appreciated. Glad that the event you attended was such a comforting

and positive meeting of souls that understand. Thanks for putting ribbons on the

tree of remembrance. Also, for all the lovely pics. Yes----as the birthdays and angel days

approach, you are so acutely aware of the time that has passed without your dear son, James.

Thinking about you, and sending prayers.

Jean---Nice that you were able to celebrate your sweet little grandson's 5th birthday.  The

holidays are the large triggers that bring the emotions to the surface.  The emotions are always

there...always...but the holidays can be difficult to get through.  Peace to you.

Colleen---thanks for the nice pics of your family gathered to celebrate Aaron's birthday. Your

dear Brian must have smiled down on his brother and the whole family.

Lesley----Hope you have finished your Christmas shopping before your upcoming ankle surgery.

Praying for a smooth recovery after surgery. thanks for the screen shot of wise words of Mother Teresa.

 

Kate-----Yes---I know just what you mean about frayed nerves when Angel Day is approaching.

So glad that you had that nice dream of Jeff.  The dreams.....when we're lucky enough to have them,

are treasures to hold onto.  Peace and serenity to you,  dear friend.

 

Tina---So sorry to hear of the death of your friend's son.  So tragic.  So kind of you to reach out to

her in this sad time.  When these tragedies occur, it somehow stirs up emotions in us that might have

been just below the surface in our efforts to take a step forward.  Wishing you peace.

 

  

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Made it through Thanksgiving, overall it was a good day, missed Wesley, but was able to enjoy the day.  Appreciate all your post.  

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Hope you all had a peaceful Thanksgiving thank you for all your kind words for Steves angelversary

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besides other things I am thankful for this site which connects me to others seeking healing and offer support and care. I confess I am sad that two long standing members who have left is probably down to my words in a post which I immediately publicly apologised for and was actually a misinterpretation of what I actually meant. I always try to offer kindness and support and am honest but careful of others feelings which can be raw or quickly  offended. i thought about stepping away myself because I had failed people but I hope that I am still considered a good resource of help here, and because it helps me too.

I finally wrote a letter to my friend who lost her son to a drug overdose last week. I have not been able to call her because firstly I did not want to intrude upon her in the shock of grief and also because I could not talk to her without breaking down myself which is not helpful. My son's best friend was very dear to us and like family and I confess my mood has really plummeted since he died, I have definitely taken some steps backwards but I know that I will process it and eventually come out the other side ok. The time difference between the States and UK is difficult we are 5hours ahead and that impacts availability. i hope that we can communicate by letter/email and I can be some comfort to her. having Tommy's longest and best friend pass suddenly has brought up a lot of emotions and I thank you all for being there for me.

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It saddens me that the 2 have left. Everyone including you, Tommy's mom, help me so much. I'm sorry, I'm horrible with names. Unless it is in each post that is made. I know there are still some that are left here, but it's each person's experience and different words that help. I don't think it was anything anyone said. I could be wrong but everyone tells me to not take words too personal especially in typed responses. This is true for every typed communication whether it be here, or texts from others outside this site. And I hope no one takes mine offensively. We all need each other. I don't think it matters how long we have been on this journey, old and new, we still need each other. I could feel this way because I'm new. I just know I need everyone. I may not post daily but I read daily. It helps me. I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm rambling. I'm trying not to hurt anyone for the choices they make for themselves. We have to make them. I'm just sorry they are gone. 

Tommy's mom- please don't leave us. I relate to you, and others. Since my kiona left, I have had a friend and 2 others that are family members of a parent that has lost a child. And 1 that lost her boyfriend of years together. Also, a co-worker and her husband passed away well. That is 5 deaths I'm trying to deal with as well as my own daughter in a matter of 8 months. Sometimes grieving their loss helps me grieve mine.  But the people here help. I don't know what else to say except please don't leave. 

I'll stop for now. Love to all

Tina

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Lesley, I am not stepping away due to anything that you said the other day. In fact I was trying to make it understood how we can often misunderstand what a persons actual intent is on the internet. I have been here for a very long time. I am so very grateful for the kindness that was shown to me by many that offered a supportive and caring heart during my early stages. What I am trying to convey is that I am now at a point that I need to move forward with my life using the tools I have at my disposal to make a happier life. Talking about dying is something that is dragging me down. I need to talk about living instead. And then go out and do it! You know, when my husband was about to go into the hospital for major surgery for his cancer we had a call from a religious person. They asked to come over to talk to him the day before his surgery. They wanted to speak to him about the prospect of dying. The very real prospect of not coming out of the surgery . I was the the one that took the call. I was taken aback. Nobody knows my husband better than I after all of these years of marriage. He is a deeply conscientious and compassionate person that has always been there for everyone over the years. Had this person asked to come to just talk and offer support I would have understood. However we were going into this with tremendous fear and trepidation. We chose to focus on living and surviving the surgery. Not dying. He told me that he lives with this prospect every day. I guess we all do when you think of it. However in his handling of his diagnosis he taught me something extremely valuable. Live life to the fullest. Surround yourself by what really counts. Loved ones and enjoying each and every day to its fullest is what it is all about. And then he goes out and does it. Right now I just need to focus on caring for my husband and moving on. I intend to read and perhaps jump on board now and again. I have made some dear friends and I won't desert them. Not ever. So, you see...it was nothing at all to do with you. Please do not anguish over this. Get out there and enjoy the day! I know we will. Good luck with your upcoming surgery! I will be thinking of you.

Love to ALL. Kate:)

 

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