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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
momofJustin

Loss of an Adult Child

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Kate, I am feeling better..  very happy with it.  I hate the congested breathing.  All my life I have had some sort of lung problems and am so very glad I never smoked.  Hope your enjoying the fall..  we are in a bit of a cold spell but supposed to warm up next week.  I hope it does, I am not ready to give up my walking outside yet.

Colleen I hope you and your husband have a wonderful time in Hawaii hoping your Brian is felt all around you in your love.

I know marriages take a hit with loss.  Mine is pretty much over except for the paperwork.  I can't afford a divorce, he is pretty much gone, though does come back to visit often.  Our boy is mostly here with me.  He sees his dad as somebody different as well.  I am better friends with the man than wife..  today would be our 16th anniversary if we celebrated..  Not sure what the road holds but I know I have to keep getting better, I still have to much to do.  My weight loss has really slowed down, the dr told me last visit she hoped it would.  She told me I was at a year mark for my age and it only has been half a year...  I don't want it to slow..  I am still 196 lbs.  so it is 108 that I have lost total ( a little more if you count the year before)  I am happy with it.. happy with many things and thankful because I know things could be worse for me.  

This month is not going to be a great one, today I meet via phone with the CPS for group meeting concerning my grandchildren.  I am worried of the outcome, never have liked these meetings.  Afraid if I rock the boat to much I will risk not getting my Sena back home.  I have also heard my daughter got out of jail yesterday, she hasn't called here yet, so I don't know what she will contribute to the meeting.  I hate the unknown.

Wishing everybody a nice day.. thinking and praying for all...  and prayers for the rest of the world

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Leah, understandably nervous today with the call you are going to have. Hold tight to the truth, and let them know that YOU alone have been the most stable piece of Sena's life. She needs to have that stability as she lives her teen years...we don't want a teen to suddenly find themselves without family involved. I wish you all the luck with that on top of the hardships of OCTOBER for you all. JaBoa is walking along with you, trying to keep you motivated to get healthier and rid your life of those who bring it down. Easier said than done I know, but heck, she knows what a port in her storm you always have been and wants you to continue for those you love. Prayers for you to 'keep on keepin on'.

Well the Cubs lost last evening in Chicago and so they are in Washington for the next game, if they win, they will have clinched the division...we'll see. I do love the CUBS, they make people happy even when they are losing, the whole atmosphere at a CUBS game is joyous.

My Grandson has a bright pink cast on his leg, he got to pick the color and no matter what, Michael loves PINK! So he has pink and looks so proud of it. Now he can heal and today will start to walk on his cast.

 

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Leah.....I can understand the dread in facing that meeting....but....please remind yourself what you bring to that meeting. A heart full of care and love for your family. Am so proud of you for losing all that weight....please keep on doing what you are doing.

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Thank you Dee and Susan.. I really appreciate the words of wisdom you give to me...   

Susan.. thank you.. weight loss is tough.. I used to think gastric bypass was a piece of cake.. but it is hard not to eat once there are foods that agree and you still tell yourself your hungry.. I am going to try to do my best.. I would like to lose at least 36 more pounds  I would still be overweight and (still like to lose more) but I guess only time will tell

Dee :-) love it that Michael has likes his pink.. my boy is 14 and thinks pink is cool.. he drives the pink race car.. and wears pink shirts (ones says that a real man isn't afraid to wear pink) and always wear the breast cancer wrist band....  bought a pink calculator for school along with various pink items .. his father isn't happy that pink is his color but guess that is tough..  our son is secure  and he still likes girls.. although even if he didn't it would be alright.. I love that boy with all my heart

 

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Hi thank you all for thinking of me and wishing me well. I unfortunately had to go back into hospital I was so ill I just couldn’t cope was in a viscous circle because I couldn’t keep any medication down so high temperatures and just getting sicker and sicker. I’m still in pain but feeling better. 

Its my mums funeral next Wednesday.  Going to be extremely hard for us all as it’s at the same crematorium that we had James’s. So hard I feel so anxious. 

Laurie I am so so sorry I missed Jesse David’s anniversary I hope you felt him by your side and whispering in your ear “I’m here right beside you “. God Bless xx

Thank you once again my much cherished understanding family Georgina xxx

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Georgina, I am glad your starting to feel better, I hope that they get the meds sorted to keep doing you the best.

My heart is with you as you prepare for your mom's funeral.  I had to do the same 2 years ago and it was extremely hard, especially while being sick.  My heart goes with you and pray you stay strong alone with your family.

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georgina my heart goes out to you having to plan another funeral it must be so hard. i am still not ok seeing coffins on the tv in programmes and do not feel I could attend another funeral as I am still too raw. Thankfully I have so far been spared having to attend one although my aunt is very unwell with cancer that is terminal. She is having a birthday surprise family afternoon tea in dec which I will go to and see her. I hope your health improves all this additional upset and stress must make you feel worse.

rlolheiser do you feel comfortable sharing your first name please? I do not have a good memory for names so sometimes I have to type in the screen name but it is nice to be on a first name or nickname basis. I have memory difficulties after the overdose. There is a selection you can add to your profile so it always comes up on posts but if you prefer the anonymity I understand. just feel it connects us all. Sending you strength with the meetings ahead of you and hope there is a good outcome for your grandbabies. I hope your daughter connects with you soon too. She is probably very ashamed of herself and knows she has let all of her family down but addiction has a tenacious grip on its victims so it cannot be easy.

dee a pink cast how ultra cool is that? Love that your little man has a favourite colour and wants to show it off. I may choose pink for my next cast too!

 

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Dee, missed the part where they confirmed a fracture on your grandson.  Poor little guy.  Wearing a cast is no fun but maybe the bright color will help him.  Favorites are favorites and good for him.

Leah,  all of our positive thoughts are surrounding you on your quest to be there  for your granddaughter.  She loves you and needs your stability in her life.  

Georgina, you have had to deal with more than your share of upheaval. I offer my most positive thoughts as a virtual hug.  Sorry you are having such a rough time with your health.  I know how scary that is.  My sepsis was also caused by a kidney stone that was too big to pass (7mm), could not be broken up with lithotripsy so they finally went in and took it out surgically.  I also had a stent and that was so brutal.  I spent 7 or 8 days in Intensive Care but after about 6 weeks I did ok.  I know when it was time to come off the antibiotics I was frightened... they were my lifeline.  But I beat the odds and so will you.  That was kidney stone number 15 for me so I hope you have not also had that problem.  Hold on tight. Prayers for your strength to return and a full recovery.

Susan, the snippet you posted about places that you call home touched my heart.  You always find such good ones and that one really got me.

Cubs and Blackhawks game tonight.  My husband will be beside himself--and I hope to not fall asleep....not for lack of excitement but my sleep is so disjointed lately. Hope the Cubs can pull it out...heard the Dodgers are waiting for them.

 

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Dianne, Lesley, Susan, and Dee.. thank you so much for caring.  The meetings were tough.  I know that unless I go to court I won't get the custody of my grandson, and after what happened a couple years ago, I don't know if I can even try.  They paint a picture of him being happy..  but he is still my guy...   last time when he was here a couple weeks ago, he told me that he didn't want to be with the people who had him and wanted to stay here with us.  As for Sena, I think I might get her, but her father also put in a claim.  I know she didn't want to go with him, I am not sure what to hope . or do..   He is strange.. he wants the custody so he can give her to me to take care of.  I don't understand...   anyway tomorrow I have a home inspection from my county to make sure my house is alright.  I have had three of these before, but the paperwork says I have to do it again.  I will do whatever.

Lesley, I am sorry I forget to sign my name which is Leah to the posts, I tried to make it on my profile so we will see if it works

Have a good night everyone.. heading for bed soon... tuckered out 

Edited by rlolheiser
forgot something

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Georgina.....you will really need some healing time....REAL time to heal.....you are in such a circle of care and love with your amazing family.....bask in their support. Remember only you can give yourself some time out for healing.

Dee....I love his 'pink'....pink is power. The color in sunrise and sunsets. I think...(????)...someone told me years ago that Hallmark made the distinction of pink for girls..and blue for boys.....ages ago....babies only wore white. Hope he adjusts....little ones do heal very fast.

Dianne....geez....you did have some kidney problems....aren't they the worst ? How is the situation with your daughter and family being transferred ? Keep praying and crossing our fingers.....

Leah....you have left no stone unturned....please get some of that healthy rest....

I know some of you love the Fall....my DNA is just wired for summer....sigh.....but this was John David's favorite time of the year...Dove/Duck/Deer hunting and football....

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Dianne, I have been so busy at school that I probably forgot to let you all know that a bone in Michael's leg is fractured. Thanks All for thinking of him and wishing him well. Dianne, wow, 15 kidney stones? Goodness. I didn't know you suffered so with sepsis and in the hospital for many days. When was that? I am glad that you got through that and can pass that encouragement on to Georgina. I am going to bed not knowing how either team fares tonight. Go CUBS and HAWKS.

Going to bed, busy school day tomorrow. Well everyday really. My students were real troopers today and yesterday as I had them writing and writing some more...great stories and poetry about leaves and personifying them by writing from a leaf's point of view. Fabulous.

Deep sleep all

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Good evening all.  Randy's funeral was today.    In our family there is always family drama going on, and today was no different.     Don't know if other family's deal with any goofy family members at times like this or if we are just odd ducks.     Of course I am becoming more and more a loner and prefer times  to myself, so maybe that is why some of the silliness people get upset about irritate me.   However he was laid to rest and I miss him.  Of course it brought back memories of others we have lost over the past several years.  I am very exhausted tonight an so will chat more tomorrow.  Have a good night and thank you all for your kind worders and your prayers.

Sanudy

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Tinay   

Hi all,. I know it's been a while. I'm just trying to keep my head above water. I keep my self busy as to not think so much. Last weekend I spent the night at a gf's. Wasn't the plan but much needed. She lost her bf about 3 months after I lost kiona. We cried, talked, cried...got too late to call my son, Grayson btw is his name, he had to work in am. He was worried I know. But I needed it. 

Homeschooling, well that he drives himself. I work full-time so I give him what subjects he needs to do and he does them. It's a combination of things, he got sick and missed almost all of 7th grade. And then bullying. So he is happy with homeschooling. 

Other than that, not much has changed. Increasing stress at work but it is what it is.  

I, for some reason went over to my daughter's things this am. I have her favorite earrings in a dish. I noticed one was gone and an angel statute was tipped off on to the floor. I looked for that earring for as long as I could. I was late for work. I couldn't find it. Kitty must know I'm not happy, she is cuddling up at my feet. Grayson said she probably ate it (it's a wooden flower tunnel type). I told him, I'll skin her. I won't, but I'll be fervently looking for it this weekend. Maybe I'll look some more after this. 

My sleep schedule is all screwed up. I was a night owl before but dang...with having Tuesday's off, I was up till 4:45 Monday night/Tuesday morning. That doesn't play well when I try and go to bed earlier Tuesday night. 

I still do not believe she is gone. 7 months on the 21st. Which I took the whole weekend off as it is Grayson's 17th birthday on the 21st. I'm not sure how either of us will do. 

Well I think that is long enough. Wishing everyone a peaceful night. Everyone is in my prayers. Know that even though I don't talk much, you all are in my prayers and heart.

Tina

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Tina, I am happy to hear you got to spend time with a friend, and sharing memories is  a blessing.  I know it is a bittersweet one, but I always like to think my JaBoa is right around the corner listening to us revel in her life..  I always enjoy sharing stories and memories.

Homeschooling is tough, I did it for my oldest daughter in her freshman year of school.  I was attending college and finding the time to help her and instruct was tough, but we did it.  She onl lasted a year with it.  She had some problems that made it hard to attend public school.  She did drop out, but glad to say she went back for her GED.

Dee sounds like some interesting papers.  I love stories from children, I saved so many from my own and the grandkids.  I love going through my memory box and reading back on them.  As they got older I gave some of the stuff to them for their own memory box and was sad to learn much of it never got saved.  I try not to be a hoarder but I do hold on to stuff always hoping that they will want it.  Hope you had a good rest.

Sandy, glad to hear your hanging in there, you have been in my thoughts.  I hope you are taking care of you.  I know it is a hard time your going through, wish we could make this walk with you..

Susan, thinking of you.. hope summer steals some days from your fall.  We are supposed to get 70 degree weather next week.. for ND  that is about summer :-)  You say it nicer about people than I do...  I have just come up with the fact that I can't deal with stupid anymore.  I know it isn't the nicest thing to say about others, but they bring it out in me.

Well.. time to get cleaning in the house, it isn't real messy, just cluttered.  I don't use the dining room or living room so it has become a catch all for so much stuff over the years.  Sena's bedroom (there are 2 she has used) both are clean.  just in need of her belongings.

Thinking of you all

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sandy thinking of you, it is kind of strange that family drama pops up even on a day set aside for a special person. Seems a bit self centred doesn't it? I know there is another thread on here for losing a sibling which may help you a bit because each loss is different due to the specific relationship ie Mom dad sister grandma etc. We will always support you here.

leah thanks for sharing your name it makes us all a bit closer i think.

Trying to accept Fall as it is not my fave time of year and nor is winter, too dull too cold too dark and my garden slowly fades away which makes me sad. I do buy myself some cheap flowers for inside my house from time to time coz i feel I deserve it! One thing I do like is that some of the American shows I love watching start up again with new seasons. I am a huge fan of Chicago PD, Med and Fire, code Black and Deadliest Catch,Big Bang Theory and a couple others. so I can snuggle up on my sofa and catch up with my fave characters.1e650984338213a9f865c0f63e78600a--friend-quotes-family-and-friends-quotes.jpg.764b208f606efa75038764bfead7bbbd.jpg4b9ba426c5c6134b152a7205aea75df3--change-is-good-quotes-about-change.jpg.a2927d27975efc4829e1063459d60b5b.jpg

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JESSE  DAVID------SAYING YOUR NAME AND REMEMBERING YOU.......ANGEL IN HEAVEN.

Laurie----Am sorry I missed dear Jesse David's Angel Day.  May your precious golden memories

 of your son,  bring a smile, and comfort to your heart. 

 

Devianz----I agree....when we lose our children,  it seems as though there is absolutely

no control or rhyme or reason anymore.  Slowly.....with small steps, we hope to gain

some semblance of the new life that we are thrust into.  I'm sorry for your troubles

with your marriage.  Sending  thoughts & prayers.

 

Laurie------I just love the graphic that you posted for Jesse's Angel Day.  It's beautiful.

 

Kate----So glad that you had a nice thanksgiving.  Always nice when the weather holds

out and offers a lovely & colorful fall season.

 

Leah-----You are doing so many things to regain your health, and it must not be

all easy with all the troubles you have had......especially in October, but you are

sticking with it and seeing results.   I pray that Sena will be coming back to you,

and hope that the authorities will have the good sense to see that she will thrive

and feel love being in your care.  Peace.

 

Dee------Hope that little Erica is feeling better now.  Also.....Michael must be very

proud of his pink cast.  Hope that he recovers soon from his broken bone.  Well,  our

Cleveland Indians lost to the Yankees, so they are done for the season.  Yes,  the CUBS

seem to generate a lot of enthusiasm with all their fans....win or lose.:)    I canned

tomatoes today, so am tired, but now have restocked the pantry for winter soup-making.

 

Lesley-----Yes, fall & winter tend to be cold & dull.  It's good that you have done the

little things like adding the flowers, and taking in your favorite t.v. programs to brighten

up the gloomy times.  I do the same, and have plenty or books on hand to read, and to

watch the programs I like.  Makes the time go by easier. 

 

WISHING    PEACE   TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Sandy,  so sorry for the loss of your brother. It is so sad to know that someone we love suffers so much.  Sarah has welcomed him into heaven.

Lesley, I didn't know that they had tv shows from here shown in the UK.  I never was too much of a tv watcher until about the last year.  Now I am addicted to CNN every morning.  I "walk" in my house and am accompanied by the CNN news.  I don't walk outside because I am a little nervous of uneven ground and inside I know the floors, we have an open concept and I am always the right temperature. My husband on the other hand has always been a "tv-oholic". He is an "owl" and I am a "lark" ; he loves classic rock and I am eclectic in my music but grew up on motown.  Not sure how we ever made this all work but we have... recently reached 44 years. Our grief has turned us inward and we grieve differently. But everything is so different.

Dee, sorry to hear that your Michael's leg was broken.  He is so little.  My kidney stones are from a metabolic problem that I unfortunately passed to my children.  Both have had stones starting in their late twenties. Michael had 2 and Heather has had thankfully only one.  My first one was at age 31 and they had to go in and get it.  I passed the others except for the last one (my ureter must be the size of a garden hose by now.) The last one caused the sepsis and that took place before Michael died.  2011.  That was the biggest one of all and caused all the problems.  So far since then I have been ok but my kidney, while it functions. is a little compromised.  I know that if all this had happened after I lost Michael I am not sure I would have fought so hard to get better. I have an ICU nurse to thank for basically saving my life. 

Leah, hoping Sena is home before you know it.

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Sandy Dear, i know that you miss your Brother. Did Randy live nearby? OH, you know what? My family is terrible in situations like yours...I have two brothers, one that I see maybe twice a year, the other I no longer see as he is a druggie and did nothing when he knew our nephew was doing heroin, and in fact, he was going to my brother's to do his drugs. When my nephew then ripped off my brother's girlfriend of her pain killers, well all hell broke loose and from there he just was no longer welcome in my home, which I only saw him maybe twice a year as well, due to the fact that I don't want to be around his drugs. So, when my 'father' and I say that loosely, died, I chose not to attend the service. I was abused by the man and chose never to honor him in my adulthood, I did not let him near my kids and he was not allowed to b attend my Daughter's funeral...anyhow, the religious zealot brother gave the service, and the druggie brother attended very high with friends that were also high, my sisters went...and my druggie bro got in my sister's face and said, " your son is a --------liar about his drugs."  So no, our family is goofy and dramatic too in most cases which is why I mostly only deal with my sisters whom I love very much, and my nieces and nephews and great nieces and nephews. I hope Sandy, that you can rest for a while, take some time for grief if you can. 

Tina, I too am glad that you had time with a friend. YOu need to know that some folks are still there in your life, still can handle who you are now even in grief. Seven months is new even though it is a lifetime ago, the abstraction of time when we lose a young one is astounding. Be kind to you.

Dianne, THE CUBS! Did your husband dance and sing when that happened. What a game and then today they had a very long flight due to a few complications and so didn't even step foot on ground until noon today in LA. I am glad that your body has recovered from so serious infection. I am a tv watcher and probably too much so, though I balance it with lots of reading and a ton of walking...7 miles today spread out in three walks.

Lesley, I love autumn and winter though by February I am tired of the gloomy stuff. A cold blue sky or partly sunny day is invigorating and I feel good breathing the air and being outdoors as long as I am dressed for it. Oh, the show Chicago PD has actually filmed all over our town as has Chicago Fire...they used a house down our block in 4 different filming episodes blockingoff the street and causing a great interest by we neighbors.

Leah, I so hope that Sena will come back to your home. Keep us posted.

 

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Sherry, how lovely that you canned your tomatoes again. They must be a real taste treat in the long months of no fresh veggies and fruits. Oh yes, soup please. Thanks for asking, Erica is good, and Michael is learning to go along with a cast...He is very tentative about walking on his leg now...the pain must have been BIG for him to still be afraid to walk on it. Well the rains are coming we are told, so todays sunshine was all there is for the whole week. Grateful to have had some, the kids were thrilled at recess.

 

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Thank you everybody for the wishes of Sena coming home.  Each day I talk to her on facebook she seems more and more depressed, I just hope this nightmare ends soon.  The social workers were cordial and I was very open and honest.  They inspected the house, and said it appears to be alright.  There is a total of 3 meetings they have to come out here.  On Monday I have to go in and get fingerprinted and background check done.  I don't understand why they don't keep this on file, I have done it at least two other times for my other grandchildren.  I haven't been in trouble, not worried there.  I also have to get shots for my son's cat which doesn't bother me, because my husband had said he would do that for me.  The biggest problem is the income, they don't think I make enough on my disability, my sister in law will reduce my rent.. and various family have told me they would pay me some money to keep Sena plus her parents should have to pay child support.  I don't understand how it should make a difference, no I can't give her everything in the world, but I can feed her, clothe her, house her, and most importantly love her like no foster home can.  All I can do after I finish the list of requirements is wait, and I pray that she comes back here..  she needs it.

My in-laws are butchering pigs today.  I am not real fond of pork, but they will give me some in exchange for keeping excess in my extra freezer.  They are also planning to get some beef and they will share some with me.  As I said for being separated from my husband, I am treated fairly and they would do most anything for me.  I don't always agree with their life styles, but I can't judge, I just chose to be cautious when I visit them because we are very different.

In the back of my mind I am even contemplating letting the husband move back in to give us two salaries, even though it still isn't that much.  I was hoping when my disability ends, I can just take early retirement and hopefully get a part time job.  I miss getting out among people and interacting.  I just know it gets harder with age, but at least thankfully so much more of my abilities have come back.

Dee.. I hope the little one gets around on the cast alright.  Poor little tyke.

I plan to call my grandson today, I was going to yesterday, but didn't want to end his night on sadness.  I figure early in the day and then he can play.  I have been given a list of things not to say to him.  No telling him I want him.. which really blows...   but I would not torture him.  I want him to have fun.. but I want him to know we miss him and love him and that I will do my best to get up there to visit him.

Sorry this got long.. just wanted to update.  Thinking of you all..  Luanne, Dianne, Sandy, Sherry, Gretchen, Georgina, Dee, Sherry, Tina, Leslie, Laurie, Susan, Colleen.. everybody out there..  I do forget names sometimes..  my brain just doesn't work well.   May you have a peaceful weekend

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Leah, I admire your tenacity and hope. You keep on don't you? I only will send caution in that while the second income is good from ex husband, is that going to be a spiritual hardship for you? I just don't want the person who hurt your spirit to continue to do so...my only worry here.

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Dee.. thank you my friend, I know you make sense and believe me I have done so much thinking   I am just in a spot where my spiritual hardship has been haunting me as it is.  I never wanted another marriage to end.   At times I feel this obligation to go back to it, but at other times.. I feel stronger that I am not oppressed.  It isn't that he hurt me.. it is just his actions.  For being who he is, he has always done right by the kids.. especially Sena who was the first grandchild born into our marriage.  Right now I see it as a last move, I am hoping that if they come back at me they will accept certification from family members that Sena will always have what she needs.  She really truly is loved by all.  Thanks again for the words ..   I feel truly cared for here.

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Oh gosh, just trying to get caught up on reading posts. 

Leah, you just have to let your head lead you in this instance. You need to feel good about yourself in the long run. I am confident that you will soon have your family together. You could not have worked harder to prove to everyone how much you have committed to raising the kids. 

Dianne, ouch...did you say fifteen kidney stones? Well, if it is anything like the kong sized gall bladder stone I had then you have my sincere sympathy. I know a person that suffered terribly with kidney stones. How we take our health for granted until it is not working as it should be. Speaking of which...Georgina...how are you doing today? You have had such a rough ride. I will be thinking of you on Wednesday.

Dee, how cute is that? A pink cast. Has he had people signing it for him? I hope each days sees a huge improvement.

Sandy, I know how difficult a day it was for you... and I hope you will have an opportunity to get some much needed rest for yourself.

Lesley, we watch a lot of British programming these days. We are enjoying the second season of Poldark. Also, we just started watching The Loch and The Collection this week. Whatever happened to Boomers? it stopped abruptly not long ago. It was hilarious. I will say we started to watch This is Us for the first time and are quite enjoying it...while it is American. 

Georgina, how are you feeling today? I hope all goes well next week and will have you in my thoughts and prayers.

Colleen, I hope that spreading Brian's ashes brought a sense of peace. How was your stay in Hawaii?

Sherry, thanks.... it is really beautiful this past while up here. I have a love/hate relationship with this time of the year as I love the colours of the trees, but also know that winter is just around the corner. We are to have some rain later today, but the temps this coming week are calling for approximately 20C. or 67F. 

Becky, how are you feeling these days? Have you settled into a routine now that your husband is back full time?

Tina, hope you have a decent weekend. 

Well, must get moving before we do get that rain. We are off for a short hike on the trails.

Love to All, Kate

 

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A poem or two for those new here, just to let you see we all wander through grief in similar fashion...

Fix

If I could have fixed the breakage, I would have.

I would have reached into the tissue and healed it like new,

repaired the broken wires like I wanted the doctors to do,

But my hopes and prayers were met with your leaving instead.

 

 

If I could have repaired what took you, you would be living right now,

in a town of your liking,

or a city perhaps, near the sea,

Or maybe right here,

where you grew up,

with me.

 

 

Hand me downs

At first,

our grief wears us,

We are attached like a blanket dragging behind a child,

we bump and tumble behind the wake of it all,

getting battered and bruised beyond recognition-

dirty and scarred-

We are an accessory to the whole idea of LOSS,

 

Somehow we don’t even know how the calendar pages turn-

But they do.

 

After a while when the shock begins to dissipate,

We wear our grief

 

Like hand-me-downs that never quite fit right,

Too long, too short, too heavy, way too heavy-

And uncomfortable,

We did not ask to wear these only-for-other-people-clothes

The idea of them is too much to comprehend-

How am I this person without that person?

Who am I now?

 

 

 

 

 

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Hello everyone, I've been reading your posts for weeks now but finally decided to say something. My name is Angelica & I'm 27. I am married & we loss our 1st & only child Amariya Janae on July 23rd 2017 from a rare aggressive malignant brain tumor, she was 6 months old. Just a little background information for you guys to get to know me. My water broke when I was 27 weeks along, I was immediately put on bedrest & by the grace of God delivered her at 33 weeks on Jan 17, 2017 at 3 lbs, 6 oz. Amariya stayed in the NICU 6 weeks but only just to gain weight, she had no problems while in the NICU. We brought her home & she had no issues until July. The beginning of July, Amariya started throwing up alot & wouldn't eat so we took her to the hospital & she stayed 3 days & got better. At her 6 month check up the dr noticed her head size had significantly grown & sent us to the hospital. At the hospital we were told Amariya had fluid build up caused by a brain tumor & surgery would be needed. Amariya was scheduled for surgery on July 19th, well 2 hrs into the surgery, the surgeon came & told us our princess had coded in the OR & lost alot of blood but they were able to get her to the ICU for us to be with her. As we went to the ICU they were still working on stabilizing her. Amariya kept opening her eyes & they would have to give her meds to put her to sleep. Three days after surgery I made the hardest decision of taking my sweet girl off life support. I got to hold her as she took her last breath but the pain is so unbearable at times. I'm in my 3rd month of losing her & it's so hard to get out of bed most of the time. I feel I have no motivation in life. I do believe in God but sometimes it's hard to understand why he let her go through something so hard, she was just a baby. Sorry for the long post, I just need lots of prayers & encouragement right now.

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