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momofJustin

Loss of an Adult Child

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tina home schooling wow good for you I could not do it would drive me nuts! I have a couple of friends in the US who have done it and their kids have done really well despite the anti home school brigade. Guess that is what a good parent does changes things up to accomodate all their kids individual needs. one of the kids had been really bullied at school so it was great for her confidence to do well with school but be away from those that made her life a misery. My 4 went through some of the usual public school system and did well then we moved back to the UK and the 2 youngest went through the last 2 yrs of the UK school system but in a private school their dad paid for and did well. They did face some initial difficulty with people having pre conceived ideas about Americans and learning to spell the English more complicated way! The 2 oldest my girls have done university here and my son is in his second year there now and loving it. Education whether it is in college or an apprenticeship/trainee position is so important for all of them to live away from home and be a responsible adult who pays their own bills etc is a huge step in maturing into the real world. it is sad when they go away and then live in different cities to get jobs but also important to give them independence and spread their wings. there is no more important job than being a parent and raising the next generation. This quote is for you Tina10385584_563231323818688_791056456471879591_n.jpg.196f8a4a1a3032097a3878073be0e518.jpg

and for the rest of us a simple though to consider, trying to reach for the sunshine again to show our other children that life can go on after loss.

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Devianz   

Lou Ann, thank you for asking after me.

I'm okay. Physically I haven't felt this good in years after surgery. Interestingly though, once it was out of the way... I had to focus on healing the rest of my life and that's proving to be harder than the surgery and recovery.

My relationships have changed, and I think that my spouse wants to leave as we've grown really far apart.  We are such different people now than we were, and we are finding it hard to find laughter and smiles. I don't know how to get past that, and it's very troubling.  I see the rest of my life with this man, and I'm not sure I can pull it through. He's really struggling, and we have both spent so much time trying not to burden each other that a lot of things have gone unsaid and everyone is walking on eggshells. It's no good. He's getting treatment now, so maybe it will get better but part of me thinks he'll just realize that it would be better for him to walk away. I just want him to be happy, so I feel like if that is what he needs than he should do what's in his heart. It would break my heart for sure and just thinking about it brings tears but I don't tell him that because I don't want to put that pressure on him. I will be okay if he goes and will heal, but it's not what I want at all. I think couples therapy would be good but I think he needs to work on himself a bit first and get to a better place. I'm patient and have nothing but love for him so I am trying to give him space without him feeling like I've abandoned him.  It's a tightrope. So I'm a bit on edge.

I'm in the studio a lot trying to work out some of that, and staying out of his hair. Also back at work just so he doesn't have to deal with me at home while he's trying to study and finish his doctorate.

When you have a child die, you feel like nothing is in your control at all.  And that's how I feel a lot right now.  It's a hopelessness that is a very difficult space to live and function in.

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Divianz, I sure do love hearing that you are feeling better physically. I know that getting your spiritual/emotional self in sync is hardest of all, but with your body working better, it is so good for your whole-self. I am sorry that you feel your marriage is under pressure, it is what happens to so many of us. Having your art to help you express your heart is good. I hope that he can get enough assistance that he can face working in couples therapy. Fingers crossed.

Marriage is hard even without the incredible stress and broken-hearts of loss...

Susan, how is Veto doing? That big love-button.

Laurie, how about your Little One?

Sherry, the colors must be pretty now, and with some fine temperatures to enjoy them...

Kate, the colors there must be awesome this week. We are turning, and some trees are prettier than we expected with the lack of rain and all. Crimsons and burnt oranges and golds...lovely.

Sandy, how are you today? Are you having to put your Brothers' affairs in order?

My little Grandboy had a low fever yesterday on top of the leg issues, and today I went over to help out while my Son and DIL went to work, and little Erica spiked a very high fever, 103. She goes along and doesn't even complain until her fever gets to 102...so she slept a good part of the morning, and we played memory game and worked at making books about our family and about Halloween. I got to take Michael for a long walk in the sunshine today, getting him out a bit...we watched the leaf brush truck, and the front loader getting the piles of leaves into the dump trucks. Joy for my little Grandboy.

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Dee. Sounds like u really enjoy your grandchildren. How many do you have? Did you or any of u grandmoms.....how did u find having grandchildren effect your grief.

Devianz. Glad your physical health is better. Sorry about the emotional stuff. I think losing a child effects every relationship you have. My husband and i grieve differently. We go for a drive or run a few errands every week but we dont talk alot and very rarely talk about what happened. Its just too gut wrenching to go there. My husband accidently came across a picture of kira and he dropped the camera and made a horrible gasping sound. He just cant handle it. And he doesnt believe in signs or heaven and gets really upset if i talk about it. So it has really changed us both. I hope everything works out for you. Grief finds a way of seeping into every part of our lives.


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devianz I am so sorry your marriage is faltering it must be so scary and sad. everyone does grieve differently and sometimes leaving things unsaid because they are too painful or you feel stupid sharing thoughts that may sound crazy, can affect relationships. we all know that we are forever changed after losing a much loved child so having two people altered can certainly disrupt the balance of a marriage. couples counselling seems like a good idea it is definitely worth a shot and there is the chance of two life partners reconciling together. i wish you luck. Give yourself time in your studio creating and doing things that nurture your soul ok?

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Laurie.  Please know I'm sending prayers and good wishes your way today.  Jessie Davids 5 year angel date will bring back many memories but I hope u can hold onto more of the good than the bad ones. I hope Jessie David leaves you a few gentle signs to show his mama he is ok where he is. Angel dates can be very draining on the body and soul. One breath at a time today my friend, one breath at a time.  Take care.  

 

 

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Laurie, as you travel this long day, know that your steps are joined by ours, we march along finding our lives, piece by piece. Know too, that on your shoulder, closest to your heart, there rides Jesse, riding shotgun with you through all of the days. May you feel him extra today...

 

Jesse Sweet Man, Bless your Momma and your whole Family with your special brand of love: Jesse love. You are deeply missed as you know, so please leave signs like bread crumbs letting your Family know that you are with them in all things.

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Laurie, thinking of you today as you remember that special young man of yours. May he fill your heart with smiles and love as you recall the special memories he left behind. I will always remember the smile he brought to my face when I saw him hugging that huge cactus tree! 

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We had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Thanks to all for your very nice wishes. The weather continues to be fantastic. The trees are just spectacular and I agree with Dee in that it must be the dryness that is causing such intense shades. Breathtaking! 

Love to all, Kate :)

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laurie.. mayb you feel your angel close to you today... we are all thinking of you..  

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Laurie you are held close by your friends here and your precious boy is remembered by us all. It is another year gone by and hopefully a bit more healing is underway for your family.

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Jesse David-- remembering you today. Your mom has been a true mama bear protecting and taking care of her family.  Her burden has been heavy and letting her feel that warm, charming smile of yours within her heart will comfort her today and many days.

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Margo, sorry to hear about the difficulties you and your husband are facing. This is a more difficult time than anyone could ever imagine. My husband and I are not in the same place we were prior to our loss--- not bad but very different than we have ever had.  We are learning our way around this new life. We grieve in a different manner. We are learning to adjust to those differences and we have only 2 years 10.5 months into this nightmare.  We have 44 years in this marriage and life has beat us up pretty well  through many of the years but no one else can share this loss even if we suffer the loss in different ways. Really it is one day at a time.  Glad to hear that your physical health is improving. 

Dee,  hope the grandkids feel better.  I wish I had the Fall colors around me you described.  Not much of that here.  I was in Orland ( yea! last varicose vein treatment) last week and they were still pretty green.  But, it could be worse, my daughter has had 2 bouts of major snowfall in WY already.

Kate, glad your Thanksgiving was good.

 Hoping California gets heavy rain on all those fires.  Wishing peace and comfort to all here.  

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Louanne, thanks for asking about my daughter.  I don't talk much to her, she is in jail and I can't afford the calls.  Nothing has been settled yet.  I know she is going crazy with this time of year as JaBoa's passing date is coming soon.  I know it is just really upsetting my granddaughter, I can just feel the sadness in her texts.  None of the grandkids do very well this time of year, the granddaughter that is JaBoa's age takes it to heart each year, she feels guilty for all she has and remembers all the dreams her and her cousin had...   There is a meeting on Thursday via phone with CPS concerning both children, I just have really bad feelings about it..  I hope it just my pessimistic mind.

Georgina, thinking of you, I hope your feeling better.

Dee.. so sorry to hear about the little ones.  It is so hard when they get sick.

The nights are cold here and days are nice.. I wish the winter would go that way but I know that just isn't going to happen.  I love to watch the trees.. they are holding fast to their beautiful color..  but soon enough I know they will fall.

Thinking of everybody tonight..  thinking also of the fires in California..   just seems like something is always happening..  

 

 

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shorty16   

My dear friends,

Margo, relationships can be strained normally, but add the death to f a child and everything is multiplied.  Be kind to yourself and your spouse.  Do and say kind things and take it from their.  Marriages are worth saving.

Tommy's mom, your words continues to be spot-on.  You do have a way with communication.

Tomorrow, Scott, my husband and I leave for Hawaii.  Five nights on the big island. We are taking some of Brian's ashes and putting them in the Pacific Ocean.  My boy will be everywhere.

Colleen, Brians Mom forever

 

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andy88   

Hello Friends,

Today was my Andy's birthday. He would have been 29, which I simply can't fathom. To me he'll always be 22. I decorated his grave and I think it looks quite festive. Hope he enjoyed it. I just wanted to share this precious picture of him many years ago on his birthday. The joy in his eyes is what I like to think he feels every day now.  Sending love to you all.

Pam

Andy's Mom

Image may contain: 1 person, smiling, sitting

 

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Pam, what a precious picture..  I hope you felt Andy all around you yesterday..  and everyday..  Heavenly Birthday wishes late...  they are a difficult time..  thinking of you and wishing you continued strength.

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Pam, sending loving wishes for a day filled with many beautiful memories of your darling boy. I love the birthday picture. He face is filled with such glee and happiness. 

Colleen, we will be with you in thought as you spread Brian's ashes over the water. 

Georgina, Tina, thinking of you.

Leah,  is your lung infection starting to clear up? 

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andysmom hope your day remembering former happy birthdays with your boy give you a liitle ray of happiness today although it is also such a sad day too. It is kind of difficult to celebrate but know he is still with you all the time.

colleen I hope you enjoy your time in Hawaii and scatter a piece of Brian in the ocean. He will love the beauty of that place and i hope also it brings you some comfort. My Tommy loved living in Oahu and one day if I ever ever get the money i would love to go there and visit places that he loved and some of his friends over there also the Johnson family with whom he lived. We scattered my son over a high cliff into the ocean in a cove in Cornwall the next county to us here in the UK which is what my other children wanted, but i have my special place more locally where I spend time with him when I need to. I know our spirit children are with us wherever we go watching over us, they are everywhere and all around like the wind.

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Sweet Laurie.....sorry I am a day late....we went to Matagorda....thought of you almost all day.....and what this date means to me.....how connected we are with all the 'dates'....

I hope the day opened up for you...and that you let it have it's way with you.....I know you led your family with honest courage...but also....honest grief....letting yourself and family find loving ways to honor that boy.....all is well.

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Happy Birthday ANDY Sweetie. Handsome Boy/Man. Sweet smile in your Mom's heart and a day that made her life feel like a gift. It was you. It is you.

 

Colleen, have a wonderful trip and a may Brian let you know that he loves being with you in Hawaii.

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Dianne, Lesley, Leah, Kate, Dee, Susan, Lou Anne, thank you for the wishes for Jesse's Angel Date. It was quiet this one, a little less intense than the last angel dates. We put out 3 dozen roses on his site. Thank you for the remembrances. Below is one of the pics a mom made for me last year.

 

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Laurie....am glad you found peace....and had that quiet sacred time to share with Jesse....you and I have shared this grief journey...both of us are in the 5th year....we shared crazy thinking...foggy thinking...dismal days...weeks...months...years....falling down...getting up....both you and I took it one day at a time...learning how to lead our family...our boy's siblings...through this dark and exhausting grief. I am giving you a hug...pat on the back...applause for you....for all that you have been through..and still standing...still surviving.

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