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momofJustin

Loss of an Adult Child

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Dianne, Lesley, Kate and Susan..     I have been so glad to get to know you during this time in life.  To hear your stories and understand that I am not alone in feelings.   Sometimes I get so withdrawn from the world because I am not in the midst of others.   I have my older daughter and 3 grown grandchildren in town but they never come to see me.  If I want the companionship I have to go to them.  Sometimes I get angry and just sit here..  but I do give in to visit once in awhile.   I guess what I am saying is I have learned that I am in charge of my life.  I decide that I can either be recluse or I can get out and just see people.  Since JaBoa's passing I have done a love hate relationship with God.. but he didn't give up on me.  So I can't give up on me.  I want to be here to help others and am still learning how.  The world is hard,  and sometimes we get hurt.  One thing that I am reminded of thanks to JaBoa was a sign somebody had handwritten and hung on a tree above her resting place.  It said "I didn't know you, but I saw you and you made me smile"  I want to be like that.  We never know who is watching, and who we touch.  To this day I still don't know who wrote that but I am so proud to be her grandma, she made people smile.. she made me smile.

I hope you are all doing well.  All the new comers.. there are better days ahead though we wonder where, and to those who have been here for awhile..  ups and downs are tough but coming here makes it better..  everybody here has been such a tribute to their Angel  they are proud of us..... I just feel it in my heart

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Tinay   
11 hours ago, rlolheiser said:

Dianne, Lesley, Kate and Susan..     I have been so glad to get to know you during this time in life.  To hear your stories and understand that I am not alone in feelings.   Sometimes I get so withdrawn from the world because I am not in the midst of others.   I have my older daughter and 3 grown grandchildren in town but they never come to see me.  If I want the companionship I have to go to them.  Sometimes I get angry and just sit here..  but I do give in to visit once in awhile.   I guess what I am saying is I have learned that I am in charge of my life.  I decide that I can either be recluse or I can get out and just see people.  Since JaBoa's passing I have done a love hate relationship with God.. but he didn't give up on me.  So I can't give up on me.  I want to be here to help others and am still learning how.  The world is hard,  and sometimes we get hurt.  One thing that I am reminded of thanks to JaBoa was a sign somebody had handwritten and hung on a tree above her resting place.  It said "I didn't know you, but I saw you and you made me smile"  I want to be like that.  We never know who is watching, and who we touch.  To this day I still don't know who wrote that but I am so proud to be her grandma, she made people smile.. she made me smile.

I hope you are all doing well.  All the new comers.. there are better days ahead though we wonder where, and to those who have been here for awhile..  ups and downs are tough but coming here makes it better..  everybody here has been such a tribute to their Angel  they are proud of us..... I just feel it in my heart

It hurts so bad. I miss her so much. I can't believe this is my life. I can't believe my daughter is dead. Dead. It's agony. My feelings are written are easy compared to how I really feel. There are truly no words to describe my pain

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Tina. I know dear the depth and breadth of this kind of loss truly can't be put into words. Even after six years I still sometimes can't get around that word dead.  I hate this new life we have all been forced to live with. But like it or not we don't have a choice.  If there was anything any of us could do to change this we surely would.  The best I've been able to do is try to concentrate on my surviving children with of course Kira always close to my heart.  It's hard to accept that this is our life now.  As far as I can tell we will always hurt but you will find it won't hurt quite as sharply as it is right now.  Getting thru all the firsts without her is very difficult. But we are all here holding your hands every step of the way.  Your half way thru the first year and still standing as hard as it is for you.  I think Kira and Kiona are friends in heaven as all our angels are watching us pull together to help each other thru.  Hold on tight you are grieving just the way you should.  

Kate.  I had no idea of the scars you have had to carry thru your life. I am so sorry.  We do adapt however we have to to carry on and protect ourselves.  You are not cold or distant in fact you are loving and caring to everyone. You are truly courageous to not only endure but to get help and leave those parts of your life behind you.  You are so correct that we are survivors. And that revisiting the past is useless.  You are a shing example to all of someone who can experience the worst of what life can hold and come out the other side a strong , compassionate person so willing to help others.  Thanks for sharing your story and being the person you are.  Beautiful picture of your grand daughter.  Prayers for rosses speedy recovery.  

Leah.  You certainly are the glue that holds your family together.  I can't imagine the strength you must have to keep going.  I love your idea of angels dancing on the moon.  I'm going to be watching for that.  You  are never alone in your feelings, we are always here for you and each other.  Am sending prayers for you and your family.  

Susan  you really got me with that  "I just woke up one day"   Post.  It seems like a good idea.  I often wonder when something is going to give and how long you can live with this kind of despair.  Hope the clean up is going well.  

Sherry.  Yes my Kira will forever be 17.  It's just torture to try and picture them what they would be like today and what they would be doing.  Nice looking boy your Davey. I hope he shown down his light to you on his birthday.  

Laurie love the she held his hand forever picture and story.  So right about grief taking up residency. And it is so hard to get it to move out.  

Wishing you all a peaceful weekend.  The scorching  hot temperatures have finally given way to cool fall like weather here in southern Ontario.   Dee hope your classroom has finally cooled off.  

 

 

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Tina, I so understand your words.  There truly are no words to describe this pain.  Your very soul has been shattered.  I just reached the 2 year 10 month mark.  Yes, I still count every time the calendar comes up on the 28th no matter what month.  I can only hold your hand and offer comfort.  I can tell you it does get different.  Kiona will always be right at the tip of your heart and connected to those tears but the sadness will find its spot and it will rear its head at different levels rather than the constant pounding. Losing a child is a forever sadness but eventually you will find small specks of light.  Life is changed but you will learn to find your way.  Just remember that Kiona will always be a part of you.

Lou ann, strong advice.

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Kate, thank you for sharing your history here...it sets as example, that we can crawl from the ashes and find a life that is filled with the love and hope and outreach that makes our lives count. WE COUNT! Child abuse is the ugliest side of parenting...you and I both know, as do others here, the horror of trying to grow up in an unsafe home. If we share our lives, we show others that all things are possible, including the hardest part of our lives: the loss of our Child. God bless and more power to you.

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Tina, I  know that right now feels so dark.. wish I could tell you when the light will start to shine again.  It is hard, sometimes we feel like we make progress and something causes us to feel like day one.  Even after almost 11 years there are days I break into a cry missing my girl.  I really doubt that it goes away totally..  a love like you have for your daughter is strong,  and it doesn't go away.. never.  I hope and pray that you keep finding strength..  I am sure your angel watches over you and I hope you feel her each and every day.

Louanne, thank you for your words.  Sometimes I think my glue put things together wrong.  It has been a hard trip for my other grandchildren ..  their lives are in turmoil.. especially the one that is JaBoa's age.   I try to hard to remember what JaBoa looked like the day she left my house.. it kind of fades away.  I have to go to pictures a lot..  I admit also that I see her as growing up...   how she should look with the rest of the grands...  gets to be bittersweet thoughts often.

Dianne, I know how you feel with the date as ours is coming up in 30 days.  Halloween which used to be so much fun hasn't been for the last 11 years.  I did take my son out each year.. but the older kids lost interest in it right away.  I am hoping now that they are aunts and uncles that they will find a new joy in it, because it was one of JaBoa's favorite times of the year.

The wind has been blowing so hard this last couple days.  Hard on my sinus problems..  here I go... complaining.  At least we have gotten caught up on some rain.  The temps are going back down, makes me worry we are going to have an early winter.

My big sis from Kansas is coming to visit for a few days, hopefully we will have a good time.  We don't always see eye to eye, but we are getting older.. time to find some joy in our later lives.

Wishing you all a great weekend.  I think of you.. and send out prayers..  bless you

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Tinay   

I'm at work waiting for a mail merge to want to print. I went outside and was reading posts. I looked down and in the middle of a small pile of little leaves I saw this feather. I'll keep it and take it as a sign. 

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Tinay......I have this small floral container...that John David brought me flowers in on Mother's Day in 1986.....all the feathers I have found...I have put them there....and no one can tell me that it wasn't him that sent them to me....

Many of us can put ourselves right back in that first year....for me it was raw....dark...heavy...and I would actually feel like I had to come up for air...I was so drowning in deep sorrow...honor your grief....grieve deeply....it is normal in the first year....

and now....I am in my 5th year....I still have to breathe in and out....

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Hi I thought I'd let you know my mum died yesterday night. I think I told you she had had a massive heart attack two weeks ago. Just feel so devastated.  She had a good life 6 children, 14 grandchildren and 7 nearly eight great grandchildren.. She was an absolutely inspiring intelligent strong woman who had only given up work three years before.  She worked every day six days a week from 8 in the morning to 8 at night. 

I loved my mum so much she was such and inspiring woman who never stopped working.  I feel just so sad and overwhelmed gx

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InHeavensKeeping..  so saddened to hear about your mother, my heart goes out to you  It is  hard fact to face when we lose our mom's at any age.  She sounds like an amazing woman working so hard.  May your family be strengthened at this time as you remember and miss your wonderful mom.   Take good care of you for her and as always we are here.

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Georgina, the first lovely light she met as she left was James' light. She is at peace and while you will always miss her, she will always watch over you and be your Mum. God bless her good life and her enduring love, God Bless you in all of your missing. Take extra care now.

Tinay, love the feather: your Girl is letting you know that she is not here in person but in spirit and that she is always with you. The ache and pain that first year are immeasurable. In fact there is no measure on earth that can adequately explain or show our ache and pain when we lose a child. Off any charts, far and away the worst kind of lonely there is. At past 14 years, I still talk to my Girl out-loud every day, I wear a symbol of her round my neck, I wear the crystal that I bought for her her last Christmas here, I have those touchstones that help me feel more of her. I will miss her for all of time, but I do promise that the pain does change eventually from sharp and biting to a less in ur face kind of hurt, it becomes something we knit to our hearts and spirits and wear with us each day, we make room in our hearts for the space our grief takes and we honor them and the grief by doing so. It takes a long while to finally incorporate this into your fibers, but you will and we are all living proof of this. We are changed, we are of course changed, we are parents/grandparents of Angels.

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Georgina, I am so very sorry to hear about your Mom. She sounds as if she was an extremely energetic and inspiring woman. James most definitely was there to greet her. Sending my love and prayers for your family. Take good care of yourself!

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Thank you Dee, Jaboas grandma and Kate for such kind thoughts and words. She was 87 such a good age.  57 years longer than James. As she was passing I asked her to send me signs that she's ok and with James and my dad and brother. It was so hard to watch her suffer she didn't deserve that but I stayed by her side telling her how much I loved her and what an incredible mum, grandma and great grandmother she had been. My other sisters were there and we sang her favourite song to her 'what a wonderful world' I hope she's at peace now and in heaven   With her Son, my two sons and dad. 

Oh and signs....... I got in the car and my phone connected with the Bluetooth like it does and often plays just random songs from my playlist so the first song that played was ' Danny boy ' my brothers name, and the second song was ' the prayer ' unbelievable really 

God Bless xxxxxx

 

 

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Georgina. My sincere sympathy at your moms passing. What a comfort that must have been for her to have you and your sisters singing to her. And she gave you a sign like you asked her to. You have the peace of knowing your family are together and that there are no tears in heaven.

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Georgina. My sincere sympathy at your moms passing. What a comfort that must have been for her to have you and your sisters singing to her. And she gave you a sign like you asked her to. You have the peace of knowing your family are together and that there are no tears in heaven.

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Okay Georgina, no more wondering about signs now hu? How lovely that you sang her on her way, and that she shared music with you to let you know...wow. Very comforting indeed and yes, she had a good number of years here...I am always happy to hear of folks living into their 80's if they can be healthy doing so. Long may she run Georgina.

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georgina I am so sorry to hear that your mum has passed. I know it was kind of expected but still a very sad and painful event. Losing a parent kind of catapults you back into feeling a bit like a child left behind. Parents have just always been there throughout your life supporting and loving you and to lose them is so so hard. I love that you and your sisters sang to her as hearing is the last sense to go so she would have passed away feeling the hands holding her and hearing music as she went to meet up with James. They will be so happy to reunite again. And you got your sign too through music and lyrics how wonderful.

dee your words are so comforting and accurate. We do indeed have to absorb our losses into the fibres of our being and move forward.

tina that special feather was placed there at that time just for you. Kiona is still with you always. The pain and anguish of losing a child is really indescribable it makes even the marrow in your bones ache, catches your breath and your heart truly breaks. It is such an overpowering agony and you feel you will never ever be ok again, cannot imagine living life without your child and that you will never find enjoyment or be happy again. In time you will though. Life will be forever altered, there will always be someone missing but there will be small chinks of light through the darkness giving you a glimpse of what is still to come. Eventually we cannot give a timeline because it is different for everyone, you will notice that there have been periods of time when you feel calmer and have not had to "fake" it, then there is a week when one day has been ok and ultimately the better days outweigh the bad days. it is a long process because you are storing up all the love you have for your girl and nowhere to put it. You will find ways to express that love and that is when healing begins. Like Laurie said, there are no rules .Keep strong and know we are here for you anytime.

my eldest daughter came down for the weekend it was lovely to see her and spend time together. Seeing her laughing over silly things with her sister is therapeutic for me. The siblings try to come down together if they can manage it so they can be with each other as well as with me. It is financially difficult sometimes having divorced parents who live 7hrs away from each other but my kids try to even out their visits so no one feels left out. My mum's brother who lives in Australia is very unwell and in hospital. he has severe Alzheimers but I see my mum mourning the brother she used to have and knowing she is unlikely to see him again before he passes on. That sibling bond is still so strong. We all need to love and enjoy each other whilst we can because nothing in life is guaranteed.

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louann there is a lovely song called "Angels on the moon" by a band called Thriving Ivory. check it out on youtube. it is an old favourite of mine

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Georgina,  I am so sorry for the loss of your mother.What wonderful memories to share with your sisters as singing to her...and then she lets you know by a song she is safe and happy.  She is catching up with James and enjoying baby Peter in a way she never could.

Lou ann and Lesley,  how ironic this talk about angels and the moon.  When I first came on here--a week or two into my loss, Dee told about picturing Erica sitting on the moon with one foot over the side. It is a visual I have used so many times on this grief journey and it has brought comfort....thinking of Michael somewhere in the heavens watching over us.  I will take that image with me until my last breath.-- even though he would have been hanging out with Bob Marley and Robin Williams.

Tina, sometimes signs come when you least expect it.....and need it the most. Kiona sending you a hug when you are hurting so badly.

sitting on the moon_edited.jpg

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Lesley.  Yes lovely song.  When Kira died I was in so much shock and denial I couldn't think of what I should be saying to her or what I should be doing.  The only things that came out of me was firstly I promised her I would be with her soon and I would take care of that when I got home from the church That  I would look after Lilly (her cat) and that I would never again listen to any kind of music. So far I have only kept two of those promises.  So in six years I have never listened to music, except when I'm in a store and can't avoid it.  I even turn off commercials on tv so I don't have to listen to music.  But I made an exception today and listened to that song.  Leah just put that idea of angels dancing on the moon and Dianne's recollection of dee saying that Erica was sitting on the side of the moon has fascinated me for some reason.  Maybe just another treasure of thought I can hang on to.  Sometimes us grieving moms are just so grateful to have any tidbit that makes us feel close to our children.  So thanks Leah, Lesley, Dianne and Dee for your inspiration.  I will be definitely checking out the moon to see our beautiful angels dancing up a storm.  

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Georgina I am so sorry for the loss of your mother.  The song was beautiful.  You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Sandy

 

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Georgina....how touching that you and your sisters would 'sing her back home'.....she lived a long and filled life....and was ready to go to her first home. When my sweet Mama passed.....for a long, long time....I felt like I was attached to this earth home by a thin thread. After much time had passed...and I got my balance..I could then see the footprints she left for me to follow. I am glad that you are surrounded by your amazing and loving family...and you have each other to hold on to.

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