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momofJustin

Loss of an Adult Child

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Love those photos Kate....what a cutie you have there...you are blessed.

 

Leah....you do not ramble....it gives us all more insight into your grief journey. Each grief journey will be as unique as your child is unique....and then...I have discovered many have what I call complicated grief....layers of different shades of grief. I do think you are an amazing woman..mother...grandmother...human walking this earth home. Why..? Because you still have so much love....and that in itself is the finest richest gift ever. Hold on to your faith and love...and stay the path you are on.

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Kate,   Lesley,   Dee,   Susan,   Leah,   LouAnn ,   Dianne,   Laurie........Sending a big thank you for your 

dear sentiments for Davey's birthday. It means so much to me, and I am grateful for friends

like all of you, here at BI.   We went to the cemetery....I took a small bouquet of marigolds in a pint jar.

It's the only flowers we had  left that looked nice.  The crows were in the trees, high above....they usually 

come around when we visit his grave. 

 

LouAnn----Dave would be 46 yrs. old if still living,.....but he will always be 31 to me.  Yes,

that poem really says so many nice things.......don't remember where I ever found it, but

have kept it for a lot of years.

 

Laurie-----thanks for the lovely screen shot poem.  I will copy it, and keep it. The last line....

"Until we meet again"......I think we all hold onto that....hold close to our hearts.

 

Lesley---Yes,...it does seem like the jobs we start  take longer, and become more work

than we had anticipated.  All your work in the gardens; ...   and your garden wall will look so

nice & fresh when finished.

 

Kate---Thanks for your lovely pics.  Love the one with the owl, and the sweet grandies.  That

was such a great shot of the owl......aren't they difficult to get photos of?

 

Dee------AHhhhhhh,.......finally cooling down to normal Sept. temps.  So glad that your

classrooms will be so much more comfortable for all. :)

 

PEACE    TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry

 

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Hi everyone. I've been working homemade gifts for my family. Just little things to keep myself busy and not lay in bed all the time. We also draw names for the adults. My niece , the one who has helped me the most, drew my name.  I finished my 11 year old great nieces pillow bed (1 down 5 to go) and sent that niece a pic of it. She called me tonight and said, she wanted to make me a memory quilt for my gift from her if I was ready to part with kiona's clothes. She was scared I know to ask. She had an apologetic tone. I think it's a very sweet idea. I told her I will think about it. I said all they do is sit in her suitcases and such. I've only gone through them once after the first time of getting them. That made me tear up. I'm sure it will do it again. I know I will be glad to get the quilt. I also texted her saying if/when I'm ready, I would like to have her bonnet she always wore added. She was concerned but I told her it doesn't have to be cut up, just added onto a block. This decision has me emotional. Course I've been extremely emotional lately. She is going to see if her grandmother can make it. She says it will probably be too hard for her mom to do it. I agree. 

My son said no to the move. He came up with all kinds of excuses, but after much prompting, he admitted it was too much work to move. So, I figured it was God's direction that we stay put. I did tell him that I was looking to get out if here to get away from the memories of that morning when the officers were at my door. He understands but still doesn't want to move. I will trudge forward. Deal with it best I can. 

My mom is coming into town tomorrow. She went to the hills to see her sister. I'm not sure she really wants to stop but I told her she needs to to look at kiona's flowers from her funeral and tell me if I'm doing something wrong. I don't know if I repotted them too many times, or they are sitting in wrong place for sunlight or what. She agreed to stop and spend the night. Tho she said she has to leave right away Friday. Running out of meds. I said that's ok, I understand. I truly do. 

Prayers to everyone. I'm going to continue on with crafts. I can't sleep much any way. 

Love and hugs to all

Tina

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It was a long day yesterday.  I spent it on the phone with Child Protective Services and Sena's dad.  The Lord does answer prayer because they are going to work on my guardianship for her.  They put her in a temporary foster home with 6 other children.  They allowed her to facebook me and we spent several hours (which surprised me they let her so long) but she needed her grandma, we messaged each other until her bed time.  There were many pauses and many I love and miss you typed.  I think she just needed to know I was still there.  She told me she wanted me to hold her so she could cry and cry some more.  I told her soon..  we can cry together.. but we can't stay in crying mode, we have a lot to do together.  I do so appreciate all the prayers and thoughts sent our way.. you are all wonderful.

Kate, I enjoy the pictures you send, even if they are sent before.. it always strikes my heart the beautiful colors, children.. and just that your able to share them with us.  I hope your husband does better with the imunetherapy.  My prayers continue for you both.  I have thought of counseling, but I had it years ago when I was married the first time.  My husband doesn't want counseling he doesn't believe in it.  I guess I just have learned to accept my life.  Though some things are so terribly wrong that happened it happened the way it was supposed to.  My son turned into a strength I didn't know I had.  I struggled so with my daughters, but with him it is different.  He is accepted by his peers, looked up to by all the little ones around us.  Respects adults, respects his father and myself.  I have worried over the years for him because he was a meth baby..  but he has been monitored and there hasn't been anything significantly wrong with him.  Certain subjects in school, but we work on it together.

I have to share a story of him this last weekend.  He went to the races in another town.  My niece told me he found $50 but he never told me.  I questioned him on why he never told me about his lucky find.  He said what find?  and I told him I heard about the money and he told me that he never had it anymore so he didn't want to say anything.  I asked why don't you have it.  He told me how he saw a lady walking around looking for something and asking people if they had seen $50 she had lost.  He said he thought about keeping it but decided he couldn't do it.  He gave it back to her..   Just when I thought I couldn't be more proud or more in love with guy he showed me I could.  I know many adults that would have just kept the money..  I just told him I love you and am so proud you are me son.. 

Dee.. yes, I believe my heart still beats for a reason.. and those reasons have encouraged me to make it beat stronger.  

Dianne, thank you for the encouragement.  I would like to think that any grandmother or mother would do the same I do.  I don't see it as special, just the way we are made.  I think since JaBoa's passing my heart has been more open and more protective and I have had to learn that I don't have control over any of it.  I just try to do what she would want me to do.  What God wants me to do.

Susan, I am finding it easier to open up.  For a long time I felt like I was intruding on this site even though others tell me I wasn't.  I was only a grandma..  I didn't share the bond of losing my child.. but I have learned.  I know you are all here for me,  I lost JaBoa who was more than just a grandchild, I helped to raise her as a babe..  but all in all...  I just had a broken heart and am learning how to put the pieces back together..  a new fit..  not the same as it was.. but maybe even better in some ways, cause I miss her so very much.

Sherry.. thinking of you, the missing days are hard sometimes.

Tina, what a wonderful thing to do.  Home made presents are the best, I love things that come from peoples hearts.  Your girl I am sure is very proud of you.  Sorry the move didn't work out, but maybe your right and the Lord has other plans, some we just can't change.

I guess I better shut down this book, have some cleaning to do as I know my house will be inspected from CPS.  Its not bad, just cluttered.  Again I thank you all for the prayers, and just for letting me go off.  You are an inspiration to me.. never to old to learn new things   ((hugs)) to all that want them..  and even to those who don't

 

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Leah do not think you are rambling it is sharing among friends and helps create a bond that encourages support for each other. Sharing our stories encourage others to speak out about their hardships and traumas. Your son seems a delightful honest young man and I am glad he is so supportive of you. In time hopefully the guardianship of your grandchildren will be sorted and you can give them the family life they deserve. How sad they have had to be part of the crazed world of addiction and had to cover for their mom who they love.

kate I had to have an emergency hysterectomy age 31 when the obgyn dr ruptured my uterus with a probe during delivery. I was bleeding heavily and the rupture had also progressed through an ovary so they took everything out. Hormone replacement therapy did not work for me as I had a minor heart attack at 33 so I have been hormone free for years which causes osteoporosis. I was later diagnosed and put on medication but I guess it was more severe than they realised. I was sitting on the floor and went to get up and my ankle snapped. 7 fractures lots of small pieces and also dislocated. That happened in may 2016. I have now had 6 operations  and have internal screws wires and a plate but it refuses to heal. My next surgery is in jan and if it does not work it will have to be permanently fixed in place. It is very disabling I have spent months on and off in a wheelchair and crutches but now have a boot and walking stick. After each op I go back to square one until i am able to mobilise and drive. It has been a very long frustrating road, painful and disabling. I am unable to walk far. I also have a spinal fracture and the fibromyalgia and inactivity have caused stiffness in my joints. Yes it has been v challenging but losing my son was worse and it did give me time at home to heal mentally and work through grief. I am on disability but hope next year to find a part time job that I can do with all my injuries. Not many employers want a 52 yr old with physical limitations and a mental illness history but I will see what happens. One day at a time... I do have a supportive family luckily.

tinay glad you are crafting it is really healing to do something and get some enjoyment out of it when grief is so black. I am not skilled at anything except gardening but I do help my parents and sister with their gardens when I am able, just giving back a little to them for helping me out so much. I do feel a burden sometimes it has been a long road with my ankle and my breakdown.

sherry it is strange to think of our children getting older I too always picture my Tommy at 24 and not aging or changing in any way. They will always be forever young. Can't say the same for me I have aged tremendously after losing him. marigolds are beautiful so vibrant Davey would love them.

I enjoy the photos quotes and links you guys all put in thanks. mermaidtears that quote about still seeing the world as a beautiful place is true. I guess I look for beauty and peace in Nature because that is continuous whereas people let you down. having said that I know I have had some very special people brought to me by grief and I count each one of you in that. Your personal stories of loss and struggle, hardship and small successes are a moving force in my life and make me reflect and want to get over the depression and dark days of grieving.

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When we hear the story we start to form a full picture of the person. We then understand the reasons behind the way a person thinks and acts. One thing is really clear to me...that we all carry emotional baggage by the time we reach the age we are.  Having heard the stories I feel that we can all stand up and hold our head up high. We are survivors!  I was hospitalized at fourteen for a month due to abuse. I had learned to develop what was called dissociative disorder. I am really good at it.. they tell me. I can literally almost go into a form of hypnosis. It is amazing what the mind can learn to do as a child to protect yourself. I went into therapy for four years after the person passed away. I can honestly say that it was the best thing that I did. I came to terms with it and have forgiven them and moved on. It is in the past. I tried a variety of anti depressants but eventually stopped them and have found I am doing ok on my own. What they never tell you is that they change your metabolism and you are sure to gain weight. Women do not want to hear that for sure. I have never been a pill taker. Never done drugs of any kind to be honest. I did take sleeping pills after Jeff died but cut them in half as I did not want to become dependent on them. That is why at times I may appear cool or distant. It was my way of coping. I suffered a small stroke a few years back. It took me a couple of years to fully recover. I still have issues with memory stuff. That is why you see that I never punctuate in my sentences. I have forgotten how. It's a real bummer to be like this at times. I did not have any family support . Betrayal of family secrets will never do. I learned to carry things on my own. Stiff upper lip and all that. A sign of weakness to show emotion by their standards. I also relied on my faith to help me over the really difficult times. I never became angry with God...but in fact He somehow became closer to me. I learned that when I was hurting my most I just turned myself over to him. He has never let me down. This site has been a life saver for me. The support from friends that are walking the walk and can relate is so important. It keeps me going.

Life can take us to places we never imagined. How we handle our hardships defines who we are as a person. If we were perfect we would not be here. There is not one of us that would not change some things that have happened in our past. Since we can't turn back the hands of time it is pointless to focus on that period of our lives. What we can do it take charge of  who we are today. For a better tomorrow for ourselves and our families. Losing a child is life altering. It forces us to focus on who we are and what we are. It requires change and a lot of strength to put those changes into place. We may not always get it right but at least we can try.

Lesley, I had no idea you had suffered so much with your health over the years. You are one feisty lady to be moving around and even gardening as you do. Another upcoming surgery. Good luck down the road. 

Tina, there is nothing nicer than receiving a special gift that is made with love and careful thought.  Priceless. 

  

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Leah.....it seems as if all is moving in the right direction....and YES.....'self care' is something only we can do for ourselves...

Tinay....I do believe that creativity is essential to our mental balance...it can be baking a cake....bread....painting a chair....when our hands are busy...our minds can open up.....and maybe your son just wants to stay put for now. Young and old alike don't like change....and for now....you both need to have calm and rest. There has been a lot of change in your lives for now.

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Dianne, Lesley, Kate and Susan..     I have been so glad to get to know you during this time in life.  To hear your stories and understand that I am not alone in feelings.   Sometimes I get so withdrawn from the world because I am not in the midst of others.   I have my older daughter and 3 grown grandchildren in town but they never come to see me.  If I want the companionship I have to go to them.  Sometimes I get angry and just sit here..  but I do give in to visit once in awhile.   I guess what I am saying is I have learned that I am in charge of my life.  I decide that I can either be recluse or I can get out and just see people.  Since JaBoa's passing I have done a love hate relationship with God.. but he didn't give up on me.  So I can't give up on me.  I want to be here to help others and am still learning how.  The world is hard,  and sometimes we get hurt.  One thing that I am reminded of thanks to JaBoa was a sign somebody had handwritten and hung on a tree above her resting place.  It said "I didn't know you, but I saw you and you made me smile"  I want to be like that.  We never know who is watching, and who we touch.  To this day I still don't know who wrote that but I am so proud to be her grandma, she made people smile.. she made me smile.

I hope you are all doing well.  All the new comers.. there are better days ahead though we wonder where, and to those who have been here for awhile..  ups and downs are tough but coming here makes it better..  everybody here has been such a tribute to their Angel  they are proud of us..... I just feel it in my heart

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11 hours ago, rlolheiser said:

Dianne, Lesley, Kate and Susan..     I have been so glad to get to know you during this time in life.  To hear your stories and understand that I am not alone in feelings.   Sometimes I get so withdrawn from the world because I am not in the midst of others.   I have my older daughter and 3 grown grandchildren in town but they never come to see me.  If I want the companionship I have to go to them.  Sometimes I get angry and just sit here..  but I do give in to visit once in awhile.   I guess what I am saying is I have learned that I am in charge of my life.  I decide that I can either be recluse or I can get out and just see people.  Since JaBoa's passing I have done a love hate relationship with God.. but he didn't give up on me.  So I can't give up on me.  I want to be here to help others and am still learning how.  The world is hard,  and sometimes we get hurt.  One thing that I am reminded of thanks to JaBoa was a sign somebody had handwritten and hung on a tree above her resting place.  It said "I didn't know you, but I saw you and you made me smile"  I want to be like that.  We never know who is watching, and who we touch.  To this day I still don't know who wrote that but I am so proud to be her grandma, she made people smile.. she made me smile.

I hope you are all doing well.  All the new comers.. there are better days ahead though we wonder where, and to those who have been here for awhile..  ups and downs are tough but coming here makes it better..  everybody here has been such a tribute to their Angel  they are proud of us..... I just feel it in my heart

It hurts so bad. I miss her so much. I can't believe this is my life. I can't believe my daughter is dead. Dead. It's agony. My feelings are written are easy compared to how I really feel. There are truly no words to describe my pain

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Tina. I know dear the depth and breadth of this kind of loss truly can't be put into words. Even after six years I still sometimes can't get around that word dead.  I hate this new life we have all been forced to live with. But like it or not we don't have a choice.  If there was anything any of us could do to change this we surely would.  The best I've been able to do is try to concentrate on my surviving children with of course Kira always close to my heart.  It's hard to accept that this is our life now.  As far as I can tell we will always hurt but you will find it won't hurt quite as sharply as it is right now.  Getting thru all the firsts without her is very difficult. But we are all here holding your hands every step of the way.  Your half way thru the first year and still standing as hard as it is for you.  I think Kira and Kiona are friends in heaven as all our angels are watching us pull together to help each other thru.  Hold on tight you are grieving just the way you should.  

Kate.  I had no idea of the scars you have had to carry thru your life. I am so sorry.  We do adapt however we have to to carry on and protect ourselves.  You are not cold or distant in fact you are loving and caring to everyone. You are truly courageous to not only endure but to get help and leave those parts of your life behind you.  You are so correct that we are survivors. And that revisiting the past is useless.  You are a shing example to all of someone who can experience the worst of what life can hold and come out the other side a strong , compassionate person so willing to help others.  Thanks for sharing your story and being the person you are.  Beautiful picture of your grand daughter.  Prayers for rosses speedy recovery.  

Leah.  You certainly are the glue that holds your family together.  I can't imagine the strength you must have to keep going.  I love your idea of angels dancing on the moon.  I'm going to be watching for that.  You  are never alone in your feelings, we are always here for you and each other.  Am sending prayers for you and your family.  

Susan  you really got me with that  "I just woke up one day"   Post.  It seems like a good idea.  I often wonder when something is going to give and how long you can live with this kind of despair.  Hope the clean up is going well.  

Sherry.  Yes my Kira will forever be 17.  It's just torture to try and picture them what they would be like today and what they would be doing.  Nice looking boy your Davey. I hope he shown down his light to you on his birthday.  

Laurie love the she held his hand forever picture and story.  So right about grief taking up residency. And it is so hard to get it to move out.  

Wishing you all a peaceful weekend.  The scorching  hot temperatures have finally given way to cool fall like weather here in southern Ontario.   Dee hope your classroom has finally cooled off.  

 

 

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Tina, I so understand your words.  There truly are no words to describe this pain.  Your very soul has been shattered.  I just reached the 2 year 10 month mark.  Yes, I still count every time the calendar comes up on the 28th no matter what month.  I can only hold your hand and offer comfort.  I can tell you it does get different.  Kiona will always be right at the tip of your heart and connected to those tears but the sadness will find its spot and it will rear its head at different levels rather than the constant pounding. Losing a child is a forever sadness but eventually you will find small specks of light.  Life is changed but you will learn to find your way.  Just remember that Kiona will always be a part of you.

Lou ann, strong advice.

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Kate, thank you for sharing your history here...it sets as example, that we can crawl from the ashes and find a life that is filled with the love and hope and outreach that makes our lives count. WE COUNT! Child abuse is the ugliest side of parenting...you and I both know, as do others here, the horror of trying to grow up in an unsafe home. If we share our lives, we show others that all things are possible, including the hardest part of our lives: the loss of our Child. God bless and more power to you.

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Tina, I  know that right now feels so dark.. wish I could tell you when the light will start to shine again.  It is hard, sometimes we feel like we make progress and something causes us to feel like day one.  Even after almost 11 years there are days I break into a cry missing my girl.  I really doubt that it goes away totally..  a love like you have for your daughter is strong,  and it doesn't go away.. never.  I hope and pray that you keep finding strength..  I am sure your angel watches over you and I hope you feel her each and every day.

Louanne, thank you for your words.  Sometimes I think my glue put things together wrong.  It has been a hard trip for my other grandchildren ..  their lives are in turmoil.. especially the one that is JaBoa's age.   I try to hard to remember what JaBoa looked like the day she left my house.. it kind of fades away.  I have to go to pictures a lot..  I admit also that I see her as growing up...   how she should look with the rest of the grands...  gets to be bittersweet thoughts often.

Dianne, I know how you feel with the date as ours is coming up in 30 days.  Halloween which used to be so much fun hasn't been for the last 11 years.  I did take my son out each year.. but the older kids lost interest in it right away.  I am hoping now that they are aunts and uncles that they will find a new joy in it, because it was one of JaBoa's favorite times of the year.

The wind has been blowing so hard this last couple days.  Hard on my sinus problems..  here I go... complaining.  At least we have gotten caught up on some rain.  The temps are going back down, makes me worry we are going to have an early winter.

My big sis from Kansas is coming to visit for a few days, hopefully we will have a good time.  We don't always see eye to eye, but we are getting older.. time to find some joy in our later lives.

Wishing you all a great weekend.  I think of you.. and send out prayers..  bless you

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I'm at work waiting for a mail merge to want to print. I went outside and was reading posts. I looked down and in the middle of a small pile of little leaves I saw this feather. I'll keep it and take it as a sign. 

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Tinay......I have this small floral container...that John David brought me flowers in on Mother's Day in 1986.....all the feathers I have found...I have put them there....and no one can tell me that it wasn't him that sent them to me....

Many of us can put ourselves right back in that first year....for me it was raw....dark...heavy...and I would actually feel like I had to come up for air...I was so drowning in deep sorrow...honor your grief....grieve deeply....it is normal in the first year....

and now....I am in my 5th year....I still have to breathe in and out....

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Hi I thought I'd let you know my mum died yesterday night. I think I told you she had had a massive heart attack two weeks ago. Just feel so devastated.  She had a good life 6 children, 14 grandchildren and 7 nearly eight great grandchildren.. She was an absolutely inspiring intelligent strong woman who had only given up work three years before.  She worked every day six days a week from 8 in the morning to 8 at night. 

I loved my mum so much she was such and inspiring woman who never stopped working.  I feel just so sad and overwhelmed gx

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InHeavensKeeping..  so saddened to hear about your mother, my heart goes out to you  It is  hard fact to face when we lose our mom's at any age.  She sounds like an amazing woman working so hard.  May your family be strengthened at this time as you remember and miss your wonderful mom.   Take good care of you for her and as always we are here.

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Georgina, the first lovely light she met as she left was James' light. She is at peace and while you will always miss her, she will always watch over you and be your Mum. God bless her good life and her enduring love, God Bless you in all of your missing. Take extra care now.

Tinay, love the feather: your Girl is letting you know that she is not here in person but in spirit and that she is always with you. The ache and pain that first year are immeasurable. In fact there is no measure on earth that can adequately explain or show our ache and pain when we lose a child. Off any charts, far and away the worst kind of lonely there is. At past 14 years, I still talk to my Girl out-loud every day, I wear a symbol of her round my neck, I wear the crystal that I bought for her her last Christmas here, I have those touchstones that help me feel more of her. I will miss her for all of time, but I do promise that the pain does change eventually from sharp and biting to a less in ur face kind of hurt, it becomes something we knit to our hearts and spirits and wear with us each day, we make room in our hearts for the space our grief takes and we honor them and the grief by doing so. It takes a long while to finally incorporate this into your fibers, but you will and we are all living proof of this. We are changed, we are of course changed, we are parents/grandparents of Angels.

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Georgina, I am so very sorry to hear about your Mom. She sounds as if she was an extremely energetic and inspiring woman. James most definitely was there to greet her. Sending my love and prayers for your family. Take good care of yourself!

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