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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
momofJustin

Loss of an Adult Child

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Devianz   

Kym,

I am so sorry for your loss. It can be really overwhelming and I want you to know that it's okay to have a complete break down. I spent one day just screaming at the wall in grief and anger until I was red-eyed, horse in my throat and fell asleep.  I was sure that I was going crazy and that there were no roads back from where I was but once it was out of me, there was this odd calm. It was like I had screamed the heavy fog away that made me feel alone.  I started reaching out for others, even complete strangers (like on here) and they started to reach back.  And while some people don't understand and will judge or just not know what to say to you, there are those people who know loss like no one should and they will be there for you. What you are feeling is normal, and I am glad you have come here to share your journey with us, I'm only sorry for the reasons that brought you here.

I have found that it becomes easier to share your story as the days go by, and I don't pay attention to the people who judge and don't know what to say and I focus on the ones who do.  They need my compassion as much as I need theirs. Maybe not in this moment, but someday. I was always a tomboy and never had any female friends growing up or even in my young adulthood, but after my 20 year old son Nathaniel was murdered, I found grace in the sisterhood of friends I've made. Some who've lost husbands, parents, children... they took my hand and showed me a grace that I didn't expect and that I am now close to. It's really easy to isolate yourself and feel like you are alone in your grief and it's almost always tempered with guilt and shame that comes with being a parent... but all of us have been there, and we know. Unfortunate as it is, we know. Let the others judge you, you will find the good people who have compassion and strength as a character the more you share. And the more you share, the less alone you will begin to feel.  You are not burdening others, you are giving them the opportunity to become more compassionate people.  Grief is a burden that when shared, becomes a little easier for you to carry. It never goes away, but the weight can be unbearable alone.

It's often normal for the spouse/partner/ex of someone who has passed to swallow their own guilt and shame as well and hide it in an envelope of anger and blame.  They don't want to see the role they have played in the lost ones life, or how they could have done things different and they will often blame others for the problem so they don't have to look at it themselves. I am sorry that you haven't been able to see your grandson, but I am glad to know that you aren't letting that stand. Mediation is a good pathway, and the courts will enforce anything that is decided in mediation and it's a good tool to use if anything sours.  A party unwilling to abide by a mediation agreement is always seen as wrong by the courts, and you have rights to see the child absolutely. Don't give up the fight. It sounds like the child would be better knowing you for sure. It is hard for children in grief, and it will be good for him and for you to know his father his whole life not only because he can have happy memories but also as a tool to shape his existence.

~Margo

All,

I'm sorry I've been absent, with all my illness I was feeling very overwhelmed and not strong enough to do many things at once.

The good news is that I have turned that corner of recovery and am feeling really great this week physically. It does wonders for my mental health too.  There were about 3 weeks that I was averaging 2:45 hours of sleep per night, and it was making me so weak.  I lost 18 pounds (not that I can't stand to lose them, mind) and sometimes a bit of my sanity. But I'm back and I actually sat at the wheel yesterday and threw some beautiful pots quickly, so I feel like I'm back on track. My hands and lower back are a bit sore but it's a comforting feeling of being productive in my happy place in the clay studio. Here are some latte cups (no handles yet, the clay is too wet) and some beer steins (also without handles) that I threw yesterday;

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Leah so nice to hear from you. I am sorry to hear of so many sttuggles. You are still here, important for your son and jaboa who loves you and surely is rooting for you. Up date us when you can. It is good for my heart to hear from you old friend. ❤

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kym how sad that your grandson is being kept from you at a time when you really need to see him and snuggle him. babies and small kids just radiate innocence and joy and wonder at such simple things you cannot help but have your spirits lifted by them. Mediation sounds like a good option and maybe a resolution can be worked out for the benefit of all I hope so. being kept away from grandchildren is very common in divorces too it is so sad because it takes a village to raise a child. One point to add is that grief causes strange reactions maybe that is grief distorting their view and it will clear as time goes on. I hope that you are successful.

margo hi glad you are here. You express grief so eloquently. I too did a screaming session early on and it really helped. i was so very tired after but it felt healing and took away a lot of anger and frustration. Note prob best to do it in an isolated area!! Your pottery is lovely. I tried it for the first time a few weeks ago and found it very soothing and interesting although the finished product was decidedly ameteur. I think it is so important to find an outlet or hobby that can channel your emotions and give a sense of acheivement whatever it is. Gardening is mine I cherish the tranquility and nature around me and feel pride in creating colour and beauty when I do not have artistic talents. perhaps that is why I lapse so low in the wintertime because the garden looks dead and empty and i miss the sun. i alwys look forward to the spring and rebirth again though.

kate glad you are ok. I get that sometimes we need to step away a little because the sorrow over another's plight is catching. I find myself more caught up with emotion and sorrow with tragedies that are in the news, somehow the stories affect my mood for longer than they did before although i have always be a sensitive and empathetic person. A wise person will recognize what is best for their mental health and wellbeing and take action so they do not fall too far.

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Hello to my friends.....there is no way even photos and the news can capture the devastation....the storm went in at Corpus...but the rain bands reached as far away as Houston and our area....Houston is 245 miles away....this storm was epic....we all thought that nothing could beat Hurricane Carla ...but we were wrong....Harvey stalled north of Corpus...and then went back out in the Gulf...and hugged the coast...more storm surge....and then re-entered to the east of Houston...straight on to Beaumont and Port Arthur...that brought about the reservoirs and rivers...bayous...streams ...creeks to surge out of their banks....and caused areas that has NEVER...EVER  flooded....my hometown is Wharton...in Wharton County....have family there still....my brother has a lung disease..(the name of it is as long as my arm)....Wharton became an island...all roads in and out were flooded....he started having severe issues and had to be Lifeflighted out of there and flown to Methodist Hosp. in Houston....he is now home and doing ok. Thousands and thousands of homes were and are still flooded. Our son in Friendswood did not flood....the water came up to the lip of his garage....we feel blessed but he is out in Dickinson which got hit very hard and helping...Daniel and Jeremy left on Monday in our truck loaded up with supplies....(businesses were flooded)....and Jeremy stayed to help with Jesse. Getting the wet sheetrock...flooring...carpet out is critical for remodeling to ward off mold and mildew. Many towns...and I mean many...still have no electricity or water...our Brenham town has loaded semi trucks with supplies to help our communities. The National Guard is staying in Brenham...we are feeding them and supplying them with anything they need. I am so proud of our community. This is going to take years and years. One can get so overwhelmed....schools..hospitals...clinics...all destroyed...it is staggering to come to terms with it all. All Texans are thankful and have a heart of gratitude for the response and the donations flowing in. I pray the money will be given to those that need the help so much. Taylor brought Veto to us....she returned to League City with baby supplies and stayed there to help. His head was not shaped right...so he is wearing a helmet now....just for 3 months...and looks like a little football player....does not bother him at all....we are lifted up with his smiles. I feel as if I went through the war without a gun.....stress and anxiety can really wear you out....even if you don't feel it as the time...it was like watching a horror movie....that had a beginning....but no end. We are grateful for the sunshine.

Posting a few photos for you.....a sense of humor can get one through some very dark days....

 

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This is a monster of a storm....just pray that it will turn east....and then we have 2 others behind it.....pray hard for Florida and it's people....

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Lou ann   

Susan.. so much damage cant believe your before and after pictures. I still watch to see about brenham on tv.. glad your family is all safe. Boy that veto is going to be a chick magnet someday. What a cutie.

Lesley thank you, but u have far more confidence in me than i do. I know dee will understand this more than anyone here, but sometimes the lines get blurred where instead of just dealing with grief, i drag a very unhappy childhoid into this and all of a sudden u are dealing with so very much, its just overwhelming. I can sum my entire childhood up in one short sentence. When i was about 5-7 years old i told myself this "oh i get it now, i understand when your a kid you are supposed to be sad, but when you are a grown up then you get to be happy" . Very simple, never thought there was anything wrong or sad or bad abour it. Just didnt know why the adults didnt tell me kids r supposed to be sad. So fast forward to adulthood when you think ypu had put your time in and now u get happy, right that seems fair. I only mention this as sometimes i dont just come from the place of grieving mom. I get down right pissed off cause people like me and Dee already paid our price. But as i have found out that is not the way things work. I am hanging on trying to move forward everyday little by little. Im just putting one foot in front of the other and steer myself towards walmart or a trip to the lake or cleaning aarons apartment or getting evans oil changed. Im dragging my husband along kicking and screaming like a kid going to the dentist. Cause its just a whole lot easier to let grief our dear dear friend win over us again. I am just going to keep forging ahead even though i dont reallt want to, am not really getting any enjoyment out of this, but i just know something has to change. The thoughts of another winter like last...well just wont do that again. So i thank u for your continued support...i need it so much. Exploring new territory can be really scary. We still had kids in school, soccer and basket ball games to go to, a prom dress to be picked out, we still had years to work, graduations to attend, hopes and dreams for our kids futures. And yet in one minute on a lazy warm fathers day morning, in june of 2011, every thing was wiped out. Gone. Our precious daughter followed by our house, our jobs, all gone. So so hard after being beat down that badly to find the will to rebuild but you guys already know that. Only only for my sons do i try. But i hold on to no hope i can do it. I have kinda developed this idea that why would god give me a positive when he can guve me so many negatives. Lol. Kate, hope everything is ok with rosses eye sight.

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Lou ann, you truly break my heart. I wish I could find a ray of light and plant it outside your window. Bad childhoods are one of the worst things in the world. Unfortunately I too know their devastation. I was the goat in my family. At the age of 12 my father wanted nothing to do with me and told me so on my birthday. But that was okay because my mother always told me my birthday was nothing special. I won,t go into why my father wanted nothing to do with me. I keep those memories in the bag I carry around. Move on a few years and my mother told me I was the worst thing that ever happened to her. I did not see her for over 20 years when she died at the age of 94. I was the screw up. Graduated 10th in my high school class,....but my brother was valedictorian of his.... first in my college class and honors in some postgrad. A total screw up.  But I will tell you that I became the person I am IN SPITE of my childhood.....because my kids were going to feel loved no matter what. I am sure that that is how your kids felt....loved by their parents...wanted and cherished in their family. I see that come across in your posts. You lost your daughter, I lost my son, and the many parents here lost a child or children....and there has never been anything so unimaginable in any of our lives. Why did this happen? Lord knows I wish I knew. But don't let grief become your dear friend. Grief is the monster that hides in the closet. Grief is the "stranger danger". My daughter, your sons, the other siblings here have grieved the loss of their brothers and/or sisters. Yet they too have things to look forward to...graduations, falling in love, having their children....whatever path they choose. They have mourned their losses but they need to celebrate their triumphs and milestones. We need to give them that because we are good parents. The pain, the sadness, we carry it with us every single day for the rest of our lives. But we have to remember that their lives,,, and ours too, are precious. I know, not really caring much for my life either....but I want my daughter to know she matters. Lou ann, you are so sad. If I could send you a box of cookies, I would look for magic ones that could bring some light into your life and mend your broken heart.

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Susan, glad to see you post. The destruction in Texas is unbelievable. One thing for sure, the spirit of Texas has shined through this.  That snippet about the bass boat was so on point. So many volunteers .... they do deserve a statue!  Hoping Florida can find their way through. That Veto is a little charmer.

 

Margo, glad you are on the mend. An artist back to work is always a good sign.

Lesley, your kind words are always full of heart. We are broken puzzles whose pieces will never go back the way they were...guess that means we just have to get used to a new picture.

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Devianz   

Thank you Dianne, Lesley and Susan.

Susan,

Having lived in Houston for more than 6 years, my heart aches for friends who still live there and have lost so much. The devastation is so huge, but it is good to see so many people coming together and helping on another out. I am glad that you and your family are well and safe, it does my heart good.

 

Lou Ann,

I wish we lived closer so we could have a cup of tea together. I too had a very rough childhood, with both adoptive parents being nearly completely absent from my growing up. One was an alcoholic and one was a workaholic and they were co-dependant and distant from us and from each other. There was abuse that was verbal and physical often from our parents, and being the middle child and adopted I took the brunt of a lot of that.  There was also abuse to me by a neighbor for several years starting when I was 11 and continuing for several years, unnoticed because we were all trapped in the bottom of a bottle. But also I had to parent my younger sister, as well as work a second job starting at 14 just to earn money to buy groceries because the allowance that was given to my mother was spent on alcohol instead of food to feed us. It wasn't until Nathan passed and I started to go to therapy that all of these things started to rear up and the anger came out swinging in my time of grief. Of all the childhood wounds that caused me to be both an extreme caregiver (Atlas) to everyone around me and making bad choices. That continued for most of my adult life so far and some of the results of those bad choices were visited on Nathan as well, and it made his life rougher than it should have.  That guilt is very hard for me, and it makes me sad most days. I was a single mother for years, and Nathan's birth father was not in his life and took his own life about 6 months before Nathan was murdered. Nathan struggled with bi-polar disorder, and it made me swallow my own pains and put them on the back burner in order to try and help him, but it's never good because it was just unhealthy. Nathan's life was mostly unstable because I was mostly unstable for him, and there is nothing I can do about that now. It's very painful and every day I work through that. I still struggle sometimes with feeling like I am not enough. Some days I don't feel like getting out of bed, and some days I don't want to live at all. 

I understand the guilt and pain we all struggle with, and if you ever need to talk please know that I am here and that you are not alone.

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Margo, I wholly agree, so good to see you and  your pottery. Lovely. I am glad that you are feeling better now, that some of the physical ailments are being treated. I think that something I wrote may have disappeared but I will check. In it I talked specifically to Louanne about how in my bad childhood, I knew that there were kids with a good childhood and it offered me hope...so that when I gave birth to My Daughter, I went to a therapist and learned all I could about my fears and anxiety, and guilt, loads of guilt. I always felt guilty for the sins of my father, that I caused him to be a deviate, and of course, I didn't. So I think the difference Louanne between being able to live in the light again, has everthing to do with having dealt with my giant childhood issues earlier on. Had I not had the horrid upbringing issues that affected me so hugely, the therapist thinks that perhaps I would not have had such a big case of PTSD with Erica's death. When a child has such big wounds, they reopen with the next big trauma. Louanne, many of us have suffered some horrid childhood issues, but facing them for what they are and doing the hard work in therapy that is needed in order to finally come to terms with them does help all other issues you deal with. My sister has never dealt with the issues of our childhood in therapy, instead she just stays angry and depressed and the hole of sadness she is in just gets darker. So now dealing with her Son's addiction, she is so blue and so unable to cope because there is nothing but guilt in her life.

I urge you to find another outlet in addition to us, so that you can find a better life that only can be yours if you work to find it.

 

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Devianz   

Dee,

Thank you for you lovely words. It sure is true that when you have a big trauma like you did with Erica and I did with Nathaniel, it opens up these huge chasms of pain and a lot of things kind of bubble up with it.  Right away after Nathan's passing I started to see a therapist and have just recently started to talk about my past. I was angry and sad for a long time before Nathan's passing and refused to deal with it like your sister.  Instead I found lots of people to "fix" thinking somehow if I didn't focus on what caused me such great pain, it would slowly disappear.  it never does and in the end you start to feel so wafer thin that anything someone says or does to you is a wound that never heals.  That's no way to live, and therapy has saved my life. I am working through the guilt and some days are better than others, but I'm building something new for sure.  A world that I want to live in instead of the one I was raised in and it's making a huge difference.  I grow each and every day, and it certainly helps.  The pain doesn't go away, but we can learn to cope with it and create new things out of it. There are cloudy days though, and each day is a struggle to bring the right tools to do the job, and I still find myself falling into old potholes of trying to help others when I'm the one who really needs the steady hand up. I still find it most difficult to ask for help, and to forgive myself. I'm a work in progress for sure.

The PTSD is the hardest part because it's a beast that I feel like I don't have control over sometimes. Having viewed the video of Nathan's murder, I have flashbacks in the most unexpected places and times. Even when I am sleeping. I am still doing the EMDR therapy and it is helping some with the visual triggers but some of the other triggers catch me off guard.

I have my therapy and my art therapy that help a lot.  For me, when I put on my headphones and I sit at the bench with 10 pounds of clay, the world and all it's troubles just disappear once the wheel starts turning.

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Here is the post I wrote earlier....HOoray to see you today Susan. I was getting nervous. Yes, we have stayed totally tuned into the storm that ate Texas and we have donated and wish I could send more. Goodness knows that this monster Harvey took so much from so many. IT will take years and I do so hope that the city planners give thought to how much cement that they are putting down which of course prevents the land from taking in water. The flood plain must be free to be just that. I send prayers and hope. Oh Veto looks adorable, I know several babies who wear helmets and how nice that the doctors have this tool to help now, whereas before we simply couldn't do a thing about it. He looks delighted with life.

Louanne, so many of us here have had hard childhoods, for me, I knew that there were kids who didn't which gave me hope to grow up and have the family that I wished I could have had. And while that didn't exactly pan out, the realization that what was going on in my world was not right or just, I took myself to therapy at age 28, with the birth of my Girl. I needed to learn how to protect my son and daughter where I was not protected. I needed to deal with the very deep sadness of growing up abused...had I not done that, I would never have been able to manage all the many things that happened in my adult years.

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Georgina-------Oh my goodness.....I'm so sorry for all that you are going through, and

have had so much to contend with, on top of your grieving heart.  I'm glad that your daughter

is ok.    Sending up prayers for you,  your husband,  and your daughter.  Hang on,

friend....we're her for you.

 

Leah------Good to see your post, but so sad that you are struggling with so much.  Sending prayers

for your health.  Yes,....I agree....the faith that we will see our dear ones someday keeps us going.

Your memories of sweet JaBoa are your treasures to keep close to your heart.  Peace to you, our BI friend.

 

PEACE   TO    ALL  INDIGOS 

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    sherry

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Oh my, what the heck is happening to this planet? Fires in California and British Columbia unlike any other ever seen.. Snowstorm in Australia. Hurricanes unlike anything in our lifetime. Earthquake in Mexico.  This is definitely global warming. Prayers to everyone in the path of these storms. If only we could wipe them out. 

I can only advise anyone that is struggling with past issues regarding their youth to seek proper medical guidance. There is never going to be an easy way to get past it. The road is a rough one. But there is light at the end of the tunnel. It just depends on how much you want it. Hard work often pays off. Sending wishes to all for a sense of peace restored in your lives soon.

Kate

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My childhood stays in what I call my black bag. Like I said, I became who I am IN SPITE of how I was raised. Have always held these words Susan relayed from her dear Grama-----.I have been quite shocked to hear how some were raised. My Grama use to say..'sometimes they teach you how not to be'. 

I am sure a therapist would draw a big red flag around my black bag  but that is probably for another forum.  

Kate, I thought the same thing this morning when I heard about Mexico.... and another hurricane right behind Irma.  Mother Nature is pretty unhappy with us for sure.  Hoping that somehow the damage is less and the lives are all safe.

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Dianne, your childhood has taught you how not to be, and we thank heavens when folks can learn that rather than to repeat the cycle. I did repeat some of the cycle, never abusing my kids but as a teen and young adult, definitely made very unhealthy choices so that I was in danger quite often. That self depreciation is so damning.

MArgo, you have had a very hard childhood too. I am sorry for that, it should never be but unfortunately, we are proof that it is this way sometimes. As a teacher, I sometimes see the vacant look in a child's eyes, that faraway sadness and I recognize it immediately. How is the EDMR going? Do you notice a big difference? I am glad that you are getting the kind of assistance that feels right for you.

Right now there are sirens going and going, so many and you can tell from many municipalities. I am praying for everyone involved in whatever this is, to be okay.

My niece and her Daughter are in the path of the hurricane in Florida, and two days ago she went to the store to stock up on things, NOTHING on the shelves. She was going to try to come home for a few days with her Girl, but flights were all booked up. They are going to have to ride it out. Prayers.

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Prayers for your niece and daughter...can you let me know where they are...there are resources that never come up on the big screen...what town...are they at ? Please let me know the logistics...I cannot promise anything...but I can promise there will be help....

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Please send me the info as soon as you can so I can alert the people in that area to be on the look out for your niece and daughter....

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Devianz   

Dee,

Prayers for your niece and her daughter. I hope they ride it out safely.

The EDMR is going okay, it does help with the panic attacks though not with the anxiety. I think it's lessened the flashbacks somewhat but I don't think there is a magic pill. Wish there was just for ptsd, it's really frustrating and I want to be able to be around others without feeling the need to bolt or hide when that feeling of panic trickles into a waterfall. It's better now I think because of my surgery actually, that seemed to do more for me maybe than the EDMR. Perhaps it's the lack of the waxing and waning hormones but I certainly feel more stable and less wibbly wobbly all the time. I used to be a mixed bag and my mood could change in minutes, but now it seems so much more gradual. I thought at first it was because I was just too tired from recovering but I really think that perhaps with the lack of hormones, that my seratonin levels somehow evened out.

Dianne,

Hugs to you as well.

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Dee, I am so sorry to hear that your niece is in the path of the hurricane. I can not begin to imagine how worried everyone is. My prayers sent for a safe way through it.

Tina, good luck tomorrow with the  suicide walk. Let us know how it goes. We are all cheering you on!

Margo, I would love to be able to feel that clay beneath my hands. I was a play doh fiend with my own kids when they were growing up. I imagine it feels wonderful to see the end result and be able to just sit and create.

Sherry, yes our faith is often what keeps us going. One foot in front of the other and the knowledge we will see our child again. 

LouAnn, thanks...Ross is recovering nicely. Now we wait to start the interferon. Wow, is that stuff ever expensive for an eye drop. $2,800 Canadian for four months! Still, if it keeps the beast at bay then it is well worth it.

There appears to be a sort of quietness that has settled in our area. People going about their chores yet strangely quiet. Everyone is overwhelmed with concern and sadness at all of the news reports on the hurricane destruction. Our hearts reach out and wish we could only be there to help out. The Red Cross has become actively involved and we have donated, but I am still a push my sleeves up type of person. I wish I could be there as Susan to actually do something more. Stay safe everyone.

Kate

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susan that devastation and flooding is horrifying you are right it will take years to rebuild parts of the community I am sorry for that. However that community spirit is heartwarming, people coming together to help someone they don't know just to help out, wonderful. It gives you a sense that the true grit and human spirit for others is alive and well. Veto is adorable in that moulded helmet he does look like a football player! That is quite a common thing for babies to have some help reshaping their head and because they do it when they are really young and its not painful the results are excellent.

louann it is sad that your childhood was not happy, it explains more why you are suffering with depression in your adulthood even though you have had your fair share already. Kind of why grief knocked you down so badly because perhaps your stuffing was already weakened. I have had depression for years and its very wearing. I cannot understand that whole Live for today thing. guess I have had a lot of very hard knocks in my adult life and have had to struggle with a low income for so many years, making do going without and always buying second hand or used items and mostly discounted foods that living still seems a bit of a chore sometimes. I guess this is the hell on earth bit and i hope that the afterlife wherever that is will be better, also our kids will be there which will be amazing. I try to enjoy some things and I am truly grateful for the things I do have in my life because there are people worse off than me but I often do not feel happy. i think you are doing so well, look at how far you and hubby have come just in the few months you have been on here with us further in that short time than in the last 6 years. It is gonna be a tough grind a long road but hey we are all s

On 9/8/2017 at 5:12 AM, TearsInHeaven said:

"If I could send you a box of cookies, I would look for magic ones that could bring some light into your life and mend your broken heart. " What lovely words Dianne, they brought tears to my eyes because that was so thoughtful

On 9/8/2017 at 6:10 PM, Devianz said:

"I wish we lived closer so we could have a cup of tea together." I often wish we could actually meet up and exchange real hugs to each other. This group is amazing, the compassion understanding and care is palpable. Louann, just hear how much you are cared about here, let that love carry you forwards and upwards and you can be an inspiration to others as we struggle through together.

 

Dianne it is so sad you felt so unloved and unimportant yet strived and succeeded. Shows people can overcome huge emotional and physical challenges and grow into adults vowing to break the cycle that they were forced into. Experiences shape who we become and the fact you are so kind and supportive to others is a huge testament to your strength.

Devianz I am so sad by your story too breaks my heart, yet you made it through too. That is why therapy can be really difficult it pokes into crevices and cracks that have been papered over for self preservation. Grief of any kind, loss of innocence, forcible child parenting, neglect, abuse, cruelty need to be worked through for a resolution and an adult perspective of something that happened to innocent children who should have been loved and protected. You have also broken the cycle and poured love into nathan for the time you had him. I too am a single parent and you just do the best you can with what you have got for that period of your life. No guilt friend you did your very best.

dee you hit the nail on the head and also came from a dark place in your childhood to being a successful loving parent. I am glad that you guys are so willing to offer up your demons to others so that they can realise there is no shame in being an abused child and that it does not have to affect your whole life it can be overcome. You are so brave. Hope your neice and daughter are safe and ok in all these floods. These hazards of nature are definitely a global warming issue and we need to try and rebuild and learn from our mistakes for future generations.

 

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Lou ann   

Oh i dont know where to start. I love you all so much with your magic cookies, tea and well wishes. I had no idea how many others did not grow up happy, just as i never knew how many parents had lost a child. And we are just a small sliver. I appreciate u dredging up your demons to help me...it has. I dont feel so alone in that aspect now. But i have put my youth to rest and it doesn't hold near the power over me as it used to . Although it rears its ugly head now and again. I agree that in spite of it we came out to be who we are. I never had to think about how i would raise my kids...it was easy, it came so natural. The exact opposite of how i was raised. My kids knew, and still for my two boys, evety single day that they are loved and cherished. Some one was proud of them and would always be there for them. I alwYs told them to reach for the stars they were thiers for the picking. I always made a sick bunny nest on the couch when they were sick, cause evetyone got better when they were in the sick bunny nest. The easter bunny left his muddy paw prints all over the floor, santa always left his glasses, a boot or his suspenders at our house. There was a home made birthday card in thier lunch pails. And pixy dust from the tooth fairy. In short...they knew they were loved. Even now i will send the boys a text in the morning saying "morning beautiful boy". And they are 29 and 26. I know i am a little overboard at times but how could a kid ever feel they were loved too much. So i am glad that i broke that mould. I dont like where my life has ended up here, but i am making the best that i can. Your right, my boys need to carry on the best with thier lives and dreams and i have to be a part of that just like i had always planned to be. I made a bad decision a few weeks ago, when i stopped my sleeping pills, stopped my antidepressants too. Just wanted to see if i could make it without them. Didnt feel any different at first but wow the last few days the depression has hit big time and just dragged me right back in the bottom of the hole complete with some very unhealthy thoughts. So back on them i go. But thanks again for your support and im so sorry for all the scars we all carry. I always leave my door unlocked so i know one day i come home you will all be sitting there in my family room. I make a pretty good banana bread. Hugs to you all.



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Thank you for your kind words and prayers it means so much to me and has helped me keep going.  

My mum is still holding on.  They cannot believe that she survived as they think she had the heart attack on the Tuesday and we only managed to get her into hospital on the Friday.  She had already had a heart attack about ten years ago and had to have a double bypass and valve replacement since..  She now has congestive heart failure but she's still here and I know the outlook isn't good but I just couldn't cope with loosing her right now..

My sister has to have her surgery on the 18th and then it's a waiting game to find out what it is but I do think they can tell when they see it but still make you wait to be sure.  It's so scary.  We are all just focusing on mum at the moment my sister is blocking it out of her mind she doesn't want to think about it or discuss it now.  It's so hard..

I am waiting to see my consultant this week for the results of my CT scan with contrastim praying it's good news I honestly don't think I could deal with the surgery at the moment.

My daughter is ok she's already bought a new Car on HP and is starting a new Job as nurse in two weeks.  She's ok at the moment quiet but taking each day one day at a time.

She tried to organise for all our family and friends to come and support on Monday but only one person this year said they could so I asked her to cancel it it was hurting me too much I felt devastated and so sad that none cared enough to be there. It has only been 3years Monday 36 months....... my biggest fear was they would forget him....

God Bless everyone you care more than most of my family and I thank you for that.

God Bless Georgina xxx

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