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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
momofJustin

Loss of an Adult Child

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Happy Heavenly Birthday, Nathan. The angels will sing for you. Share that as whispers with your mom today.

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Tommy, this is a hard day for your mom. She tries her best to hold things together. Sit beside her today and hold her hand.

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Happy Birthday Nathan, may you be dancing and singing with all of our Angels...May joy be yours Sweet Boy/Man. Make sure that you visit Mom today for some extra time...let her feel your presence as it is the gift of all time in our new lives: to have a visit from our Angel!

Divianz, this is a holy day, the date that brought your Boy to your arms. He will always know that feeling as will you.

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TOMMY, you orange haired Boy...hold your Momma today as she holds you each day, letting her know that you are near. Always near. Peace Sweet Baby.

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Beautiful photos Margo, beautiful. I know you ache, but in that ache there is deep love going both ways in and out of  you...and your Boy.

Louanne, the dragonfly and grasshopper let you know that your Girl is right there, telling you YES MOMMA, go forward, I am right here, buzzing around your heart, right here on you light as a Grasshopper. How lovely.

Tinay, I am so sorry that your friend has lost her Grandchild, oh my sad heart for the whole of the family....and for you as you kow the pain of loss. Prayers.

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Our cable went out...so...no computer...no phones...no TV...back on again..

Devianz....all the parents on this site know how 'this day' can knock you to your knees....a date that has always been celebrated in your home...the day that miracle was placed in your arms and heart. There are few words that we can write to make it less sad....but we can let you know that we do know what you are experiencing. Be very gentle and kind to yourself...

Lesley....we are thinking of you and your boy....these marker dates can play havoc with our physical and emotional persona....we hope this day will be gentle and kind with you....I so loved you telling 'his story'....Mother Love in each word.

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devianz thinking of you on Nathan's birthdate it is a sad sad day but also the start date of all your memories of him. Be peaceful feel loved.

Tinay sounds like you are feeling overwhelmed, let us know how you are doing when you can, take care.

louann as dee says go forward, leave that guilt and regret behind it is a heavy burden that you have to shrug off so you can begin finding peace and acceptance.

thank you all for your thoughts and care for me on Tommy's angel date. I made it through. Will post later with details still feel very exhausted and wrungout common after breaking down.

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Here is a posy of flowers grown from my garden that I took for Tommy. The church is from Norman times originating from the 1400's and the graveyard is so peaceful up on the hillside overlooking the sea with wild grasses and wild flowers. My youngest daughter Emily actually asked to come with me ( that is her holding the posy) I was stunned and so grateful. We sat and cried together and talked it was very powerful and I felt some peace. It is not just one day that you grieve it is every day as we all know too well and I have found myself tearing up at odd brief moments since then. I sent my usual email to the university of Manoa in Hawaii asking politely for installation of dorm window locks and received a reply the next day saying that there is a different chancellor now and my email has been passed onto him. i know i am just one solitary person asking for an expensive safety upgrade but I hope one day they will do it. Also I am reminding them about Tommy every year and reminding them there is a grieving family who live with that loss every day. As parents we need to do what we can to effect change whether it be road safety signs, or speed limit, local laws or foundations just in memory of our children.. my son is down for a couple days as he turns 21 on sunday!! and my daughter will be living with me and finding a job her for a few months. i do treasure the times I have with them especially as I now know these can be cut short. I hope you all have a good weekend and thanks again for your continued support

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Somersky   

Wishing everyone a good evening!

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Somersky   

Luanne as I read your post I could not stop crying... I have tucked that guilt away and when I see sudden cardiac death and arrhythmia I almost throw up. Skylar as you know died on his birthday last year of the same... I was in the next room Luanne... when I went in he was still warm..I gave him CPR for 20 minutes and emergency response was there for 2 hours...but his heart started but could not maintain and finally stopped after numerous resuscitations. I was with him in the life support vehicle with the sirens...the guilt I feel that I was not there AT THAT MINUTE it happened...why wasn't I in his room 5 minutes earlier? He was breathing and sleeping 20 minutes before (I was getting his balloons blown up and his avacado toast ready for his special birthday breakfast) I ask myself all the time could I have saved him? If I had gone in just a few minutes earlier? I didn't know...I shouldn't have run upstairs to get my husband ..I should have started cpr right away. That scenario will play over and over...seeing his sweet face as I was attempting to blow life into his body will forever be etched in my mind. Guilt...yes...I often hear "there's nothing you could have done"! Skylar was my soul mate..he was such a beautiful human being and I feel I wish I could have saved him. 

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Lesley, what a truly beautiful and peaceful place for your Tommy's resting place. How lovely. The flowers from your garden are so very pretty. I was really pleased to see that Emily was able to go with you yesterday. I know how difficult it was for both of you. That's terrific that your son will be with you over the weekend. Have a great birthday celebration!

Our eldest son lived in Ireland for three years. Dublin in an area called DunLaoghaire to be exact. They loved it so much that they had decided to make it permanent. Unfortunately for them... it was not to be... and they moved back to Canada. We have always enjoyed our visits to Britain. My husbands family originate from Scotland from the Banffshire area...MacDuff to be exact. The family cemetery is also located at an old church in a very scenic area.  I thought of it instantly when I saw your photo.

Do have a lovely time with your kids this weekend.

Kate

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Lou ann   

Lesley your pictures are beautiful. They r what i think of when i think of england. I still get upset because Kira was to go on a trip to europe for vimy and because she was waiting for knee surgery the teacher wouldn't let her go even though her drs said she was fine. She was so upset and i tried to fight the school but they wouldnt let her go. That jerk of a teacher showed up at her funeral but wouldnt look at me. Just something else i have to let go of. I do watch coronation street sometimes. We would love to travel there one day but i just couldnt cause kira never got a chance to and it just wouldnt be right. Can you tell me what to right means? Enjoy your visit with your son and daughter. Tommy must be proud of all your efforts to put those safety measures in place. Take care

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Lou ann   

Kristen. I hope i didnt upset you with my post. That has been rolling around in my head for 6 years. I hear the thud, i get right up stairs, my son gets the door open , i pull her out, we do cpr and then the fire dept is there with the paddles and she is saved. So easy..but thats not how it happened. Would that have been the turn out if i acted when i heard the thud? Certainly i could have saved her from drowning. Could i have saved her from the arrthymia, seizure, brain damage...thats what i dont know. If it was an aneurysm there would have been no chance. They found nothing but a healthy girl. She always came downstairs and had her breakfast first before her shower but not that day...why? Her dad always sat in the living room on sunday mornings watching tv. That was the closest room to hear up the stairs.
But that day he was weeding the flower bed, something he never did...why? How does the tub fill up when you are having a shower, was drain stop down when i found her or was it that slow moving drain that just filled up over the time...i didnt look when i pulled her out at the drain. Would a bottle of drain cleaner on my part have saved her from drowning?
Her one brother was in bed but on his laptop. Two doors from the bathroom. I was just so layed back doing my laundry and washing my floor. They were all upstairs, safe and sound. The roof wasnt going to cave in on them, nobody was going to bust open the front door and go get them cause i would have stopped them. They was nothing i could have thought of in a million years that could have harmed any of them that morning. Nothing at all. But yet i lost her. I have talked to this internist several times as at the time i worked at the hospital and he was ever so kind to read her autopsy and would talk to me as much as i wanted. Of course he said he would not have done anything different then me. I still dont know whether she was gone before she hit the water, would i have brought her back in time before brain damage, and on and on. Even the drs dont know 100 percent what happened in that bathroom. I feel all those things you described that day. What if i had of, why didnt i. I have been on this journey longer than you. Dont let yourself be tortured with this 5 more years down the road. I am very slowly, ever so painfully, and with the support of these wonderful people here starting to let go of the tight grip this has had on me. We would have moved heaven and earth to breath life back into our kids that day. But for what ever reason that was not meant to be. There are two things i want you to know about what happened to our kids. This internist while he could not give 100 percent answers, he absolutely 100 percent guaranteed me this...with an arrthymia you may feel a little woozy then it would be lights out. Absolutely no pain or suffering. He told me one minute she was showering and the next she would be saying hey here i am in heaven . He said thats how he hopes he dies is a cardiac arrthymia in his sleep one day as it is the most peaceful death anyone can die of. You and i have that small comfort that some of the other parents dont have. I deeply hold on to this. The other thing is i have had 3 other parents who have read my story but dont post on here who have sent me a personal email. Thier children all died the same way as ours. One girl was found in her bed with blankets up to her neck with no signs of a struggle and her father was told by medical personel that there was probably nothing they could have done even if they were there. Another collapsed right in front of her parents and they could not bring her back. And yet another collapsed i think was while they were walking to their car. They all reached out to me in hopes they save me from this guilt trip that has eaten thru me in six years. Now i dont let myself totally off the hook, there will always be a little part of me saying why didnt you. But i think the time has come to let that part shrink a little. I know im yapping far to long here, i do that once in awhile, but i just feel strongly about these issues. I just dont want you to hold on to this as long and as deeply as i have. Keep comi g here where we can all hold each other up. This site is truly a life line.

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Lesley, the photos are gorgeous, so pretty and holds a sense of magic to me. I love that your Emily went with you, she needed to share the day as well, needed to be included in the tears and the stories. I hope that one day, the university will change the window system...I imagine that the preventative behavior would matter a lot.

Louanne, i hope that one day you will go, remember, everywhere you go, Kira also goes. So you will be taking her to the places she would have liked to see.

Somersky, its been a while and I am glad to see you here. Yes, guilt is that awful invader, snatching peace from our lives until we learn to rid ourselves from it...at least tame it a bit. I understand the replay, I had to work very hard to change my replay so that I could live without that constant loop of loss. I know that  you did whatever you could to try to keep your beautiful Skylar alive, he knows that too. He knows

Love to All

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Somersky   

Thank you for your words of encouragement.

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Somersky, you hang on now, do you hear? It is too hard, too friggin hard, but it won't always feel as it does right now, one day the edges will be less jagged, you will learn to tuck those in for only sometimes, and you will find the light and sound in each day again, not now, but one day, I swear to you it is so.

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Lou ann   

I hope i didnt say to much to upset you. If i did i am sorry. I want to help you. I know you are 3 hours behind ontario so it is 5 a.m. there. I will call you or email or anything if you want me to.

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somersky it will be ok i promise just sometimes you find yourself just panicking and drowning in emotions and feeling totally overwhelmed and that life is not worth all the pain. I get it and it is totally normal for someone in your stage of grief. I know it is terrifying to feel that loss of control and you feel so alone but just hang in there one minute at a time deep slow breaths then another minute and you can get a grip just cope one minute at a time and then a bit longer. make sure someone is with you to help support you when you feel that overwhelmed or call someone. my email is no1mslesley@gmail.com if that helps anytime? louann has been there in that same scenario as your family and it is awful. she is making great progress after stalling for years because of unresolved guilt. It takes a long time to get to aplace of peace and acceptance and a lot of therapy counselling and or medications and that is ok. Letting it all out and not holding it in is definitely the best way because otherwise it festers inside and pops up years later causing a secondary grief. Louann is experiencing that now and bless her is doing better and helping others with her experiences. The percentage of bringing anyone back from a cardiac arrest is less than 10% did you know? Also the odds do not rise even if it happens in a hospital with all the medications equipment and doctors around so how can you blame yourself for your son dying? It is just an awful tragic occurence you did your best and your child knows that. Skylar is still with you every day by your side you just cannot see or hear him for now but he is there with you always.

kate and dee thanks for your kind words. Certainly 2years on I am definitely in a better place by no means ok but better and I'll take that. Slow improvements right? I believe it is like a puzzle, you pick a piece and focus on resolving your feelings and actions and then go onto the next piece. It cannot be rushed and has to be done a step at a time else it is too overwhelming. Sometimes you get lost and cant find the right piece but eventually it makes sense and slots together. Gradually the whole picture is revealed and it is a closeup of your very own child smiling, and you have done it! You have made it through the grief journey and it makes a bit more sense and you eventually feel a sense of acheivement that you have succeeded, that you did not give up or throw the puzzle in the closet to hide it. That is when you can look back and know you could not change the outcome but you can change your life for the better and do things in memory of your child in positive ways. the sadness will always be there but it will become more manageable as time goes by.

louann when you are all in a better space you should definitely go to England or Europe and take Kira's picture with you. You will be taking her with you and seeing where she wanted to be, some place different is a good thing. One day if I ever get the money (lottery win, please!) i intend to go to Hawaii and lay flowers there for Tommy and meet the people who cared about him and maybe go on some of the walks he did. it is ok that I didnt make it there whilst he was alive we will still be visiting together just in a different form. do not let grief limit you or hold you back instead do the things Kira wanted to do and celebrate doing them for her. It will be the right thing to do. She will be so happy that you did it for her and for your healing.

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Lesley....such peace at that place...also...comfort in that your daughter wanted to be with you....

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Krider75------So very sorry for your family's loss. Sending prayers for 

each and every one.  Peace to you.

 

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY,  NATHAN.........WARM YOU FAMILY'S HEARTS WITH

YOUR HEAVENLY SMILE.

Devianz........Thanks for the lovely pics. 

 

Kate------I've had the grandies over for overnights several times this summer.  Now that they are

back in school, I'll most likely not see them as much, but maybe an occaisional overnighter when

we have so much fun.  My husband plays golf with them in the backyard, and we play cards and

board games.  They like looking at the garden and all that it is producing.  Your travels in the UK

must have been so rewarding.  I, too, have English and Scottish heritage, but have never been there.

I do have a pen pal for many years who is from Edinburgh. Yes, the sunflowers are  flowers that brighten

up the day......and the mood, when one is 'down'.  thanks for the writing about clouds......I have always

loved clouds....all kinds of clouds....they are just one of the many beauties of nature. 

 

Lesley-----thanks for the lovely pic of the church and cemetery where your dear son, Tommy, was laid

to rest. So tranquil.  Glad that your daughter, Emily, was with you when you visited there, and took the pretty

flowers.  Bittersweet times.....I'm sure. May your precious memories of Tommy always bring a

smile through your tears.   Peace & comfort to you.

 

PEACE   AND   TRANQUILITY   TO   ALL  INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry  

Edited by daveydow1
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Somersky....I can only hope....as with Lou Ann....that in telling your story...that inner anguish and that crippling guilt...that in telling...it is now in the light...in the light..darkness and despair are wisps....and can be dealt with...and managed.

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Somersky   

 

Thank you for providing a safe place...really the only place other than my psychiatrists where I can speak of this. It is true when my specialist says there is no greater pain a human can endure both mentally and physically according to the book of psychology than losing a child. I feel of course that from birth I was his mamma bear...protecting him and keeping him safe! I couldn't this time. I cannot thank you all enough.

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Devianz   

Guilt is the worst part of being a parent of a child who died.  I don't think any of us hasn't asked the question, "What if I had done this differently?" and there are no great answers because we can't go back and change the past. It's important to remember that you are human, and that you are enough. You loved them enough, you did the best that you could under the circumstances, you were enough. And then forgive yourself. No matter how small or how great, you have to learn to love yourself again and know that you are a human being, with all our foibles and flaws and that we can only do our best in that moment and that it was out of our hands.

I think that in many ways, the death of a child is such a deep and painful heartbreak and that it takes time for us to learn to love ourselves and others without that fear of loss. That fear holds us back a bit and changes us.  It changes us, and all of the relationships around us. We have to learn to create new foundations and new pathways not to get back to where we were, but to create the world we would want to live in. Sometimes it means letting go of relationships that are unhelpful for us. Sometimes it means finding new friendships and relationships to help us heal, All you can ask of yourself is to do your best in that moment. Be as kind to yourself as you are to others. Talk to yourself like you would talk to your best friend, lifting them up and being there for you.  Day by day, you'll be able to let go of some of the negative thoughts and emotions and replace them with love and light again. It takes time, there is no set timeline or path.  Just forgive yourself.

Thank you all for your kind thoughts and wishes on Nathan's birthday, it really meant a lot to me. I woke up that morning hearing the Goldfinches (Wild Canaries) in the yard, and stood at the kitchen sink watching the brothers play ball in the yard, even though I was the only one awake. I felt him surrounding me that day, and standing beside me as I made his favourite meal, just as I had every year on his birthday for 20 years.  We were together as a family and sent up a toast in his honor, and I fought tears all day. I still miss him so much and it felt a little heavier knowing that the womb that carried him into the world was also now gone. It felt odd in a way, I can't explain it.

Today we found out that my Mom has stage 4 lung cancer. She had a spot removed back in January, and they thought they had gotten it all, but it metasticized to her adrenal gland and possibly other places, they are putting together a cancer board team for her that will meet next Tuesday and decide a diagnosis and treatment approach. She's 82, so we'll have to wait and see but along with my health issues, we're in for another year of pain. Please send prayers for my mother Judith, as she is a believer and in need of a little extra something.

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I am new here and looking for support from parents who have lost a child due to an overdose. This epidemic is out of control.Lost our daughter 4 months ago today.

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Mileykid6.....what a nightmare for parents, family and friends...my granddaughter has gone to 2 funerals in the last 2 months...both overdoses. There were alarms going off many years ago....and Doctors do have a responsibility in this. Now we have a whole generation and more of people who think a pill can fix everything. We are simply parents that have lost a child...some have lost 2 on this site...and none of us are therapist or counselors...we come here to have understanding...for there is nothing on this earth that can prepare you for the loss of a child. I do not have a circle of friends around me that has lost a child...and the parents on this site reached out to me....in 2012.....with caring hearts and I do believe that is 'why' I am able to survive this. I found out I wasn't going crazy...I was just in deep mourning. Please tell us how you are doing....tell us about your girl. We are here to hear you.

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