momofJustin

Loss of an Adult Child

60,842 posts in this topic

laurie what a moving poem and so accurate in the descriptions. Thanks for sharing.

dee the timeline therapy is interesting i have not heard of that before but i can see it would be very beneficial. i find I go up and down without reason sometimes but as you said before you go with the flow.

louann we all struggle at different times for different reasons and the great thing about this site is that there are always friends who help to pick you up and make you feel less alone. posting is therapeutic it forces you to put the words down that are most painful to your heart. It takes time to be able to write about the death of your child but slowly it becomes a little easier to write. After reading or posting I often go on quote sites to read them which i find helpful. I look for ones to share but also they speak to how I feel and the knowledge that others get the craziness the overwhelming sorrow the yearning etc help me. sometimes i will listen to music and let the lyrics envelop me. it is important to let yourself feel those emotions even if they are painful. The guilt is the hardest thing to resolve but there is nothing more you could have done to save your girl you need to let it go. It happened, there was nothing you can change about that tragic day, there will never be a different outcome, good people die unexpectedly. The most important thing is to be able to accept those facts and put the guilt away. it is vital to your wellbeing and those of your family to try and find something positive about losing your child whether it is a charity fun run or collecting for a defibrillator for a public building or volunteering, just something to honour your girl's memory. i know that being positive seems impossible at times, I struggle with that too, we all do, but it is vital to recognise better days and do things for yourself so that you keep on trying. We are all learning to adjust it takes time and patience and determination. We will be with you all the way ok?

dianne I feel that slight distance, kind of feeling almost like you are an observer more than a natural participant even when with those you love. It is not conscious i think it is because we have been so badly broken by our losses we are subconsciously trying to protect ourself from being hurt again. we are not the same people we were before it is a process of learning to accept our different personalities. Also because we try and put a fake face on sometimes to make people around us happier it feels like a lot of things we do feel like an act as well. Wow it is so complicated isn't it?

I hope everyone finds a bit of soul sunshine this week. My objective is doing some much overdue weeding, ripping out the negative smothering weeds so the flowers can see the sun.

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Diane I have often felt that way when visiting my other kids. Grief sometimes has kept me separated inside an invisible shell. It is hard to be at peace enough to feel connected to people again. I have been working hard at that myself.

Laurie I loved the poem you posted. I have been trying hard to follow the angel lady's message and communicate with forest from a place of love and calm and watch for signs. 

A young Hindu friend of forest's contacted me because his face and mine kept floating up in her mind so she was calling to check on me. She then asked to light candles for us when she did her prayers. Also one of forest's friends suddenly for no reason posted a video of forest  that he posted 6 years ago.

Tommy's mom I have had many people try to make me drop visiting this site. They simply do not understand what it is like to be in our shoes and need the community of others. And as far as being lazy lol no one knows how hard it is sometimes for us to get up and face another day much less do anything. 

I hope you can find your way through that heavy feeling and fog to a couple of hours of light today.

Love to all

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Dee, Lesley, Gretchen, thanks for your help in helping me understand. I have been in such flux as to my feeling but I appreciate knowing the potential whys and wherefores.  

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Louanne...if we had known ahead of time, what was down the road, both in happiness and in tragedies, we would not have been able to live in any of the moments we had, we may not have had our Kids to begin with, in order to avoid the pain of loss, but to tell you the truth, I would not trade one day I had with Erica, in order to never feel the pain of losing her. She lived, she spread joy, she had a loud and contagious laugh, she had big hands to hold mine, and she had issues too, learning issues, these were some of her traits...but I hate to think of the world without her in it, and once in it, always in it. Erica's spirit and her energy exist all around us...memories of her are lodged in the hearts of many, so she helped change lives for the better...our Kids lived, and continue to live on in all those who carry their spirits with them. I would not trade that; that is golden.

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Beautiful photo by the way Louanne

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Lou Ann, what a lovely picture and such a beautiful baby. You must be bursting with pride at his accomplishments! Congratulations all around.

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Someone mentioned in an earlier post about finding the sunshine again in their life. That was me. I have not had much support since the loss of Jeff. I have had to climb my way out of this fog basically on my own. I know at times I may seem rather cold in some ways. I'm not really. I have just had to look after myself to be honest most of my life. I looked at it as sink or swim. The latter is what I chose. After approximately two years I started to find a slow change occurring. There started to be times that his death was not completely consuming my every thought. I began to re-enter the life of the living so to speak. I was a changed person by what had happened. I have learned to let go of many things that no longer hold the same importance as they once did. My priorities changed. I focus on each day and look at all I have to be grateful for. The loss of my son will always bring sadness when I think of it, but I now enjoy many different things in my life that I did not think I ever would again.When I had that gift of knowing that my son was at peace it gave me a sense of release. I did not need to question. I knew he was OK. It is called faith. I have never questioned it. And it has given me the courage and strength to keep going.

Sending warm wishes to all for better health and a good and peaceful few days ahead.

Love, Kate :) 

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dee I gotta agree with you i would not trade one day that i did have with my Tommy either. He had ADHD and Bipolar both of which he later chose not to take medications for not surprisingly it was rough going. He became addicted to drugs and alcohol to try and counteract the mood swings and deep depression. It was very tough going for several years but I am so glad to say he finally did the 12 step program accepted a higher power and got clean. We all struggled with his addiction and behaviour but I guess it taught us all some understanding of the helplessness and dependency on other substances to control mood. There were some very rough and scary moments but I never gave up on him always telling him I loved him and was proud he was trying, tho very clear I did not like or approve of his choices or behaviours. practising tough love was very hard indeed I felt like a failure but knew it was the right thing to do. His father my ex was the total opposite he enabled him and totally denied our son had addiction problems for years. When Tommy went to Hawaii and cut off contact with everyone he kept me in his life for which I am forever grateful, because he knew his Mum would always love him no matter what unconditionally. Tommy only messaged me over the next couple years I had no address (he was homeless for a while) and no tel number but messages popped up in my inbox every 3 to 4 weeks and I had to accept that was all he felt able to give. I did have one skype phone call from him a week before he died which was incredibly precious and we had another scheduled the day he was killed which did not take place. i thank you Tommy for all you taught me, about the power of la mother's love for a very difficult child/  young adult, for seeing you crazy happy doing stupid things, for the compassion and understanding you showed to your friends who also struggled with addiction or low self esteem, or depression or anxiety or other disorders. for your unbiased acceptance of other cultures and creeds, for your great hugs, for your love for your siblings, for your intelligent conversations and debates with me, for allowing me to see your vulnerabilities and pain, for showing me different perspectives in the world, for introducing some of your friends to me. There are so many things you taught me that far outweigh the pain and fear of your addiction. I remember the smell of you, the feel of your arms around me, the fuzz of your unshaven face, your laugh and beaming cheeky grin, the softness of your hair. I treasure it all it is locked safely in my memories and my heart. i don't regret a day just regret that you were snuffed out too soon before you could help more people using your life experiences. You died a hero saving your friend and your story went around the world and touched lives. You may have been taken too soon but your actions live on in all of your family. You used to say YOLO (you only live once) and you did, you packed a load of things adventures and experiences into your short life. Now it is upto those of us left behind to try and go on without you each day and try to make changes for others as you did and make you proud. I love you son ,NO REGRETS, you were a gift I am proud to have been given.

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A bit about my grief journey,

I love my husband very much; however, he grieves differently than I do.  I am open, crying, needing the company of others who are surviving the death of a child.   My husband was very quiet, could not talk about Brian.  Seems we were at opposite ends of the spectrum.  After a while, we learned to meet in the middle.  I would talk about Brian less, but when I did, he would engage in the conversation.

From this site, I learned such important tricks.  Like Carol, Miles mom said.  When she needs to function, She puts her grief in a box and puts in on the shelf.  We can never get rid of our grief, but we can learn to live with it.  If I do not give grief its time, it takes it and not at a good time.

After 9 years, my family is a different type of happy.  We cherish the little things more.  We try to spend time together.  

I am rambling, but I really liked Kate, Jeff's mom's post describing her grief journey.

Thanks for sharing, Kate, Jeff's Mom

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

 

 

 

 

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Colleen . You described exactly the way my husband and i both grieve differently. But we have never been able to meet in the middle. We exist and somehow manage to get thru each day, but i dont think we will ever really live again.

Lesley. What a beautiful soul your tommy was. He left you with so much to hold dear in your heart. He knew his mama would always love him no matter what. Im sure he is so proud of how she has helped so many in thier time of need.

Kate i am so sorry you have not had much support in your grief or in your life in general. I can relate to you in both areas. U r so right that our lives and priorities have changed. Every now and again i think i may finally be stepping into the world of the living again but it is so hard to break out of that tight grip that grief holds on you. In a wierd way, grief just feels like my friend sometimes as it has been hanging around me for so long. I too feel that my child is at peace. We need that to hang onto. Our hearts need to feel that.
Is your air clean there now? My sister on the island says it is so hot and smokey there they dont even go outside much. No rain since June. We have had a lot of rain here this summer. Have looked up places to stay on lake Winnipeg, hope to get there maybe next summer. And oh, by the way , you are absolutely not a cold person. You are a warm and caring person . I am sure Jeff is so proud of his mama. Hugs

Dee. U r right. And i would not trade those wonderful 17 years i got. Unfortunately memories of Kira dont bring me happiness or joy, but rather sadness and the feeling of that knife in my heart. Maybe someday that will change. Your Erica certainly left her mark on this world.
Sometimes i think if i had it to live again i would live as a hermit somewhere never loving anyone so i would never get hurt. But probably wouldnt. Take care and have a good weekend.

Well her i am another midnigjt rolled around and still wide away. This getting off sleeping pills is rough but im determined to do it. Have a good weekend everyone.








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Lou Ann, thank you for your kind thoughts. Yes, it has been a different summer for many around the world with heat waves and storms. We have been very lucky where we are in that it has been almost perfect. The days are beautifully warm and the nights cool off pleasantly. We have had no pesky bugs or mosquitoes and so it has really been wonderful. Our son lives in Calgary with his family and is a 45 min. drive to Banff and the beautiful surrounding area. They have had a hot summer and the smoke varies depending on the direction of the wind. My nephew works outside of Edmonton and has had to have his asthma meds adjusted due to the smoke from the fires. I sure hope this hot spell breaks soon for them. it is so unusual for Vancouver to have heat like that. 

Regarding your post I just wanted to say that I would sooner be hurt than not take a chance on life. Some people have very good reasons for building a fortress around themselves in order to protect themselves from further pain. I get that. We can decide to remain in a time warp and by doing so we miss out on all that life has to offer. We surely can not turn back the hands of time... and so why decide to remain there? It takes strength and determination to take charge of your life. Taking control again is not an easy path. But we can do it and it then opens doors to possibilities and challenges that can be very rewarding. If we don't try then how will we ever know if we could have succeeded? To live a life of why's and what if's is a lonely path to take. You can set small challenges and goals for yourself and work up. You can't undo the past... but you can direct the "now". To stay in a house as a hermit can seem appealing and safe for some... but you could just as likely have a meteorite fall on the roof and wipe you out. We all have regrets and wish we could wipe out past mistakes. What we can do is learn from them. Own up to them and then move on with our life in as positive a way as we can. It's not easy for sure...but once we take control back we have an amazing sense of power. You may not have had support in the past... but dig deep within yourself and bring out that inner strength you have so closely harbored. You can do it. 

Georgina, Devianz, Becky, and everyone facing health issues...please let us know how you are managing. Love to All, Kate

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6 hours ago, Jeff's Mom said:

 

 

You can't undo the past... but you can direct the "now". To stay in a house as a hermit can seem appealing and safe for some... but you could just as likely have a meteorite fall on the roof and wipe you out. We all have regrets and wish we could wipe out past mistakes. What we can do is learn from them. Own up to them and then move on with our life in as positive a way as we can. It's not easy for sure...but once we take control back we have an amazing sense of power. You may not have had support in the past... but dig deep within yourself and bring out that inner strength you have so closely harbored. You can do it. 

 

I applaud you for those powerful words. One learns more from mistakes than from happy times because they are painful and cause much introspection. My marriage in the later years was a mistake but I have 4 beautiful kids out of it. I have made dating mistakes but it reinforces what I truly want in a man. I feared moving back from the USA was a big mistake but I know I am supposed to be in the UK to care for my older parents. We will all make mistakes but being able to be honest and trying to find the positive is the way to go.I agree we are all stronger than we believe ourselves to be and hope that we all come out of this grief journey with a different kind of happy, being able to enjoy good times when they happen and reach out for help when we need a boost up.

 

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one other thing. Louann please do not let your daughter's death be the catalyst that stops you in your tracks, feeling like a hermit and unable to let your grief go. I know how grief becomes a part of you and it is scary to let those negative feelings go. Your precious Kira wants you to remember happy times, things she said or did, funny old photos etc. She would not want you or her dad to drift without being able to connect because she knows togetherness is the way forward. I still cant look at old photos but I can reminisce about Tommy with other people and even smile when a memory hits me. The pain will always be there but I am aiming to get to a different place in my life eventually where I can see past the loss of my son and not let it define me. I want that for you so badly, and also for each and everyone of us on this site.

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Thanks Lesley and Kate. You are both so wise and kind. Sometimes i feel like i am breaking out of this death grip, but if i think ill go buy myself some new clothes, i immediatly think but Kira cant do that anymore, why should i, i hold and hug Kiras kitty and then think she cant enjoy her cat anymore, why should i. If i order a pizza or buy any of her favourite foods, why should i enjoy them, she cant. Its just so unfair a beautiful 17 year old girl who i was raising to know she could be and do anything. Who i told everyday how much i loved her and was proud of her. To know that she was every bit as important and cherished as her brothers. All the things i so desperatly yearned for but never got in my childhood. And yet she is gone but her 56 year old mother who so desperatly wants to trade places with her is here. Just so hard to accept still. My husband and i have aged so terribly in the six years. We look and feel much older than 56 or 58. We lost our daughter and as a result our jobs, we gave up our dream home we had built. Where some day our kids would come home with thier kids and we would all sit around watching hours of videos of thier childhood or look at the hundreds of pictures with fond recollection. Everything we had worked so hard for. The life we we were giving our kids that we never had. All of it, wiped out on a fathers day, on a brigjt sunny june sunday morning, while i so preoccupied with washing my kitchen floor and doing laundry to pay attention to that thump that changed so many lives for ever. But still we rally ourselves for the boys after which we can slink back to the couch and lazy boy closing ourselves off from the rest of the world. I am encouraged by both of you though that it is possible to put some of the pieces together again. But i find it is like starting your whole life over again from scratch. Absolutely nothing but the love for our children is the same. But i guess thats the one thing this tragedy could not take away is the love.

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Lou Ann, forgive me if I say something that may touch a nerve. I say this out of sincere concern. I read your post again and can feel the anger that comes from your losses. Believe me when I say that I can relate to your pain. First of all.. what makes you think that Kira is not enjoying life again? Her new life. I know it is hard for us to picture them living a happy life that we can not understand as yet.  Also, I see that you had hoped to see her accomplish all that you had wished for yourself. Is there a reason that you are being held back from trying to take that scary first step back into the world and trying to accomplish those things... or indeed new things that you missed years ago?  You were not responsible for your daughter's death. You could not have done anything to have saved her. It was her time. The one clear message that I read throughout all posts is the unmistakable message of pure love that each parent holds for their child. That love will never die. Your girl know this. 

I do know that we are living in hard times. Job losses and restructuring of companies are hurting families terribly. I know what you are talking about. I also know that a house alone does not make a home. The people living within that house is what gives it life. You have other wonderful and vibrant children that need you. We have all suffered the worst possible loss... and so having experienced it we can honestly say that we survived and live to tell the story. We are all caring our battle wounds for sure. Many of us seek support in whatever way we can to help soften our pain. Seeking guidance and help from a professional therapist can be a huge help. My heart aches for the anguish you are experiencing. How I wish there was more we could do to help each other. In the end it is up to us alone to move ahead. We have to be strong. Sending love your way.

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Kate and Lesley, I think that all of what you are saying here is important to say, important to read. I fully agree that once we make some of the changes in our new lives that we establish a bit of control again...we lost all control when we lost our Kids, and we realize in time, that the only thing we have control with is this moment and then the next. We decide how we are going to go about things, though it is like walking through fog for a long while.  We are exhausted by grief and eventually we learn to move through this exhaustion and make something of what we are left with. When there are other children, we have to rally in order to keep our Kids going and we fight the want to hide....or we don't fight it and we isolate. Family therapy is sometimes what helps everyone find ways to cope...young ones have to not only cope with their sibling's death, but also with the changes in their parents. That is a lot to handle. I remember desperately needing to affect change in my life...so much was gone, I had to find ways to carve out what I could still love, still do, or develop some new things to do. Tiny steps feel like fresh air being pumped into one's lungs.

Louanne, your cleaning the kitchen floor is not why Kira died.  Not going upstairs when you heard the thump, is not why Kira is not here. As the doctors have said, that Kira did not suffer and that there was nothing that could have been done  and absolutely no way to know that this would happen. You did not do this.  Yes, Kira loved eating pizza, so eat some pizza and toast your first bite to her...do you think that she would want you to stop doing things that she loved? NO! She would want you to do them in her light. Go shop, shop with her...what would she advise you to purchase? This winter at holiday time, you can shop for teens that are in need and buy things that Kira would love...so you can help others with Kira's spirit and you can climb out of your isolation a bit with following through with doing things that you might like, adn yes, you should enjoy them even though Kira is not here to enjoy them. You have a boatload of guilt Sweetie, and there is nothing good about guilt. Your Daughter will ride shotgun with you to the mall, she will shine brightly as you do some of what you haven't done in so long a time. I do think that Your guilt is preventing you from the good memories. So like Kate, I hope my statements here don't hurt you, the intention is the opposite, you are being held here by us all, and we want to lift you into a new day, one in which you feel this sliver of something essential: hope. I have hope for you to find your steps in ways that allow you a sense of deep love and connection.

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Lou anne, really such good advice you and all of us (especially me for sure) have been given.  While I have set backs--most recently--- I have worked and worked and, by some miracle, have felt moments of hope. My children are (were) adults when we lost my son.  But during that time that I know as never ending sadness, I read a post on another site about "the left behind child".  It was written by a girl who had lost her brother and was trying to deal with her own grief but she related at how a couple of years later she was still feeling that her parents thought of her as their leftover child.  She related a lot about how no matter what happened to or for her, her parents always made her feel that it was sideline important.  I swore to myself that I never wanted my daughter to feel like that even though she is a grown woman and mother.  I recently returned from visiting my daughter and her family and I admit I felt like an "outsider".  My fault?---maybe--- circumstances?--maybe--human nature?--- I will give that a probably..... but I do know that my daughter deserves to have a mother, my husband, a bereaved father, deserves to have a wife and ----whoa--this is really hard for me to say--- I need to be the catalyst.  I will always mourn and grieve for the lost we (my family) have all suffered.  Not a day has gone by that my first thought is that my son is dead.  I am not the same person I was before 11/28/14.  I never can be. I work really hard to keep Michael with me in my heart and thoughts and that will never EVER change.  I grew up in a very dysfunctional family. Both of my parents are gone and I never knew grief. I swore my kids would have a better family.  I still need to keep that promise to my daughter. I am far from strong---I don't sleep well,I don't eat well (lost weight but not a bad thing) I stay home most always. But I have struggled to find small shards of hope.  In all we have come to know you here, you are a very, very good mom. You loved Kira with everything you have and sadly there are just some things we cannot protect them from.  It is not your fault. You love your boys and no matter what their age they love and need you--even your new lawyer.  And here is the really hard part---you need to be you.  You will not be the same person you were before Kira's loss but you are learning who the new you is.  You will make it. Kira is right beside you shining a light on the path.---and your grief friends will hold your hand whenever you need it.

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Lesley------I'm sorry that you had that hurtful experience.  As it happens with those who 

just can't understand grief.....it is often family members or close friends.  As Dee said....some 

are narcissistic, and have no patience with those who are broken-hearted over the  loss of

a child.  My own mother was like that........impatient about people grieving. Her remarks when

my baby Lisa passed...years ago.....were something like your sister's.  My mom said that I

couldn't afford the "luxury" of grieving and "moping" around, and that I had other kids to attend

to.  Of course this was very hurtful.  When my son, Davey, died in 2003,  she didn't respond in

that thoughtless manner.  I have had most of my friends shy away from having contact with me....

some were long time friends. Other friends have passed on.   BI is where we can come & express

the way we feel without being judged by people who don't get it.  Peace to you.

 

Dianne-----Yes,...I agree.  Getting together with family is wonderful, but on the flip side....it often

serves to remind us of the "missing piece"....bittersweet.   So glad you had that nice time with your daughter

and dear little granddaughter. They grow up so quickly, and time spent with them is precious time.  

 

Laurie-----thanks for that lovely poem.   Also, for telling us about the brave, compassionate young

man who stopped to help, and soon after died.  His spot was waiting for him in heaven.

 

LouAnn-----Sorry that you have been losing sleep.  It's awful when one is so tired, yet can't get

a good night's rest.  I hope that this problem will resolve itself soon. Don't ever worry about not

being able to respond to posts.   Everyone here has know a time when they just had to step

back and rest from the site.  Everyone is welcomed back when they are able to return.

 

Dee----We have not had any bug infestations on our sunflowers.  So glad. They are so cheery. My

husband had planted them....at random....all over the backyard, and they are now flowering.  Love

the way you described the birds coming to feed at your sunflowers.   After a period of not planting

them......maybe the next time you plant them, they will flourish. :)

 

PEACE  TO   ALL   INDIGOS

 

Sherry

 

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It has been busy since our return from Port 'A'...will post some photos...I still have to gather what photos others took when I did not have my phone/camera...it was a beautiful day at the beach...and for our boat ride to Lydia Ann Channel and Lighthouse...we were all feeling blessed to have each other...share memories and laughter...and those moments of 'I miss John David'....we had family that came on the 3rd...then a round of family and friends that came on the 4th...and then...some friends came on the 5th....just to spend one night with all of us. I am grateful for my circle of family and friends...especially when I know many parents on this site has little or no support from their family and friends. We do have a large family....we have Randa..our only daughter who is the oldest...then came John David..Jason...Aaron...Jesse and Jeremy. With all their family and all their friends...who knew John David...that is a big reason we have such a huge gathering on his Angel Date.

I wanted to share some things I have learned since I have been on my grief journey. August 3, 2017 started my 5th year on this journey. I can say with utmost truth that if I had not had the help and support from all the parents on this site I don't think I would be as 'healthy' as I am now. I can truthfully say that I know I will never be the same person I was before losing John David...and I have had to work to get comfortable with 'the new Susan normal' that I am....I am still a work in progress. The first 3 years were emotionally...mentally....physically crippling. I then understood what it feels to feel your heart 'break'....I wore a 'shock suit' that fit very tight the first 3 years...and my body felt it....I did not have the wherewithal to pull a dead cat out of the house...I had such thick...icky mind fog...I was drained of all energy....grief is so exhausting and heavy and dark.

I learned that I was not rare...or an exception...since the beginning of human existence...parents lost small and adult children. On this site...I was given a gift in that I could communicate with other parents...and learn that I wasn't going crazy...I was simply in deep mourning. I learned that there is nothing in the movies or a book that can prepare you for this kind of grief. I learned that it was a slippery slope in not turning into a bitter and bleak Mother but in learning how to help lead my family out of this family tragedy...knowing they could not cure my grief...knowing they were grieving in their deepest personas for their brother. I learned I should not make John David into a 'God of Grief'...but....try and find a way to honor our loved one that passed...and letting life be for the living...and learn to thrive instead of survive.

I have learned that Control is an Illusion.....it has been a humbling lesson to learn that I am only human...and have only super human love for my family...I never had super human control. I learned to have a layer of compassion that was never there before....it is true....not to sweat the small stuff....to be honest...this has given my soul and spirit a lot of freedom.

I will never figure out all the answers to all my questions...but I do know for sure...that John David does not walk this earth home...but he is 'somewhere' and he is 'ok'....I will post my visitation dream later....after that dream...I know he lives on...

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I forgot to post the most valuable lesson I have learned...and that is 'SELF CARE'.....no one is going to knock on your front door and give you insight into what all you need to do to take care of your health...your emotional..physical..mental health. The three are all connected....your grief can cause many health issues...your body can break down....from your emotional, physical and mental breakdown that you will experience when you lose a child. I think all parents have a breakdown...because we are all unique...it will be manifested in many unique ways....but believe me....it is a breakdown that can have great consequences on your physical health down the line. Thanks to all the parents on this site that gave me warnings...and gave me a wake up call...my insomnia was so bad...and so hard to deal with....I finally put a treadmill in my guest bedroom and walk 3/4 miles a day....it does not cure it...but it helps...and I will take all the help I can muster. Lots of fruit and vegetables are also needed...at least by me....to give me energy. 

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Fabulous photos and great reminders from everyone about how it is we come to find our steps...never easy but certainly worth the hard work, we are still here, we need to live our lives as brightly as we can...

Peace

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dee kate mermaidtears, sherry colleen gretchen wise words my friends spoken from the heart of experience and given as gifts of hope to our friend louann who needs to take the steps away from self denial guilt and grief and step forward slowly back into living. Do not wither away consumed by sadness you are a wonderful person, mother and wife who is needed. make a conscious decision that you will put away the negativity associated with her death and move forward a few steps at a time. Eat and enjoy pizza, go to the mall, swing on the swings in the park, fly a kite running across the ground, sing, take up a hobby, show your inner crazy like you used to. Believe me it will feel so good to relax and be you again and invaluable to all your family. Kira will be so proud of you she is your cheerleader and would be the first one to tell you "Enough now Mum I hate to see you like this.It breaks my heart to see you suffering when actually I am totally ok here. I want you and dad to be happy again and for our family to be back where we should be. Please do this for me. i will see you again when its the right time and we shall have lots to catch up on then after we hug of course. My life was cut short but it was a worthwhile happy life. Live Mum, live for me". She is with you all the time, she hears what you say, she knows what you are thinking and feeling, she will never be gone from your side. Show her what you can acheive it will be worth it I promise. Sending hugs xx

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So this evening I sit and think of the violence that went on yesterday with the white-alt-right in Virginia yesterday and then more today in Seattle. I feels so sad that the state of bigotry in our country is worse than its been since I was a kid...we, as a country, are taking GIANT steps backward : hate crimes have more than doubled in the last 6 months. It is hard to fathom why or how folks can hate as they do, whole groups of people for their race or religion. There is nothing right about this. Now, due to this hatred, a woman will grieve the loss of her adult Daughter, and two state police will be missed by their families as well. None of this should have happened, but hatred somehow took center stage. I had breakfast this morning with two of my beloved former students, both going to start college in a few weeks...both of which have marched here in Chicago for women's rights, black lives matter, LGBT rights: they said that this terrible happening will not stop them from the many peaceful protests that they have walked...or will again walk. I am so proud of the strength of these young ones, the knowledge in their deepest souls that they must use their peace to inspire peace.  And so I wish you all peace.

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