Jump to content
Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
  • Announcements

    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
momofJustin

Loss of an Adult Child

Recommended Posts

Thank you, Sherry. I appreciate your kind words and ALL of the help I have received from you and so many on this site.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 A few months ago....my SIL, George gave me the video of their wedding...Randa and George celebrated their 30 year Anniversary....I put it aside...knowing it would be a powder keg of memories....and so many of my loved ones...that no longer walked this earth home....and my John David ...in 1987 he was 17 and a Sr. in High School....weeks went by....and I was just not ever 'quite' strong enough...or rather....there wasn't a day that I knew I could not have a true pity party...crying jag...and time to recover...for so many people were coming or going around me. Then...a day/time came....I was watching our new little man...Veto....the house was ours...so I put the rocking chair in front of the TV...bottle on the table...blankets...and I started the DVD. And there was that joyful celebration...it was a very, very fun wedding...all the Navy Pilots were in true form....and my family and George's family really knew how to have a great time. Right there on the screen a shot of me..sitting between my parents...that was the traditional way we sat...I think because they would put me in between them when we would go out to eat...and that is the way it remained...also at the table my friends..Margaret Ann and George (her husband)...Zane and Vincent..my friend, Stacey....all have passed except Vincent..(who has dementia) and me....and there in another shot was John David and his high school girlfriend and Jason and his....Jesse, Aaron and Jeremy...who was 4 at the time....so very many family members and friends...who have now passed....but many still here. I realized that was my Camelot..and it would never be the same....for Randa would not be just going back to college and come home to her bedroom...she would be creating a home with George...and then in May...John David would be graduating and going off to college. When children grow up and become young adults...the dynamics of the family changes...for that is the normal way. Holding my Great Grandson gave me the strength to watch it...embrace it...hold it...and hold dear those memories and blessings...grateful I have had so much....also....that sharp spasm of grief that can clench the heart. Also...knowing there was a spark of John David in his DNA....I call it the sacred strand of DNA.....we are all so connected.

ScreenShot1260.jpg

ScreenShot1256.jpg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Susan, I am happy for you and Veto to join in while watching the video of prior times. Those times, your 'Camelot', are important to note, to see them play out is a special gift for sure, and I totally understand not being ready to watch it until you felt bolstered, safe. I had a video too, of Erica and her friends from when they were about 10 years old, playing, a long play time where they put on skits...I knew I could not watch it with anyone the first time I watched it. I needed to cry undisturbed by anyone's discomfort. And boy did I. I cried and laughed and ugly-cried some more. I think that I waited until Eri had been gone for a year...but I have never watched it again. It is as though my heart got to enjoy a time I would have never seen had Susannah, Erica's dearest friend, hadn't given it to me, and going there again feels too precarious. My eyes are tearing just thinking of it...plus I have to get ready for the visitation for Gillian. I can feel the anguish that her family is feeling, and somehow, I have been feeling some of the anguish that Gillian must of been feeling as she climbed that overpass fencing. God help us learn to identify the most subtle of signs that a Child/Adult is hurting.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Devianz   

Thank you everyone for your prayers and thoughts.  You all are such special people and I cherish the day I stumbled into this place and found such a great group. You all have been a great source of comfort, stories and sharing moments.

Nathan's angel day was beautiful, and many trees got planted and many stories told. We stopped by the place where he was killed and placed hundreds of carnations in the holes of the cage right outside the gas station and it looked like a blanket of flowers with a picture of him in the center.  The owner is such a kind man, and he liked Nathan so much. We spent the evening with just our two best friends around the fire pit, trying to play Nathan's guitar (I'm not very good yet and many laughs were had about that). It was a very hard day, and I cried a lot.  So much that my head hurt but it was also a good day to know that I am not alone in my missing Nathaniel. The next day felt very empty again, so it felt very up and down.  Perhaps next year we will do something much more low key.  With his birthday coming up so closely, I need to get this surgery over with and get my youngest son's room put together so he comes home to less chaos.  I get to see him in a week, and I can't wait. 

I wish I had more video of Nathan, I only have pictures, but I have thousands. I love looking at pictures of him and remembering the good life he had while he was here on earth.  It means a lot to me that he was happy, and healthy.  I have a few videos, one of him dancing and a few of him playing guitar.  I cherish those. Our family isn't really the "video" type, but everyone always has a camera.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Devianz....I think the day was perfect...I always tell family and friends...'we are not a perfect family...but there is nothing imperfect for our love for each other'....when I read what you were doing for his Angel Date...I thought of the poem 'Evangeline'...and all the trees...I have always been a tree person..and so was my Grama...we use to go and pick pecans at a certain place on their land in the Fall...and I will never forget when she pointed to a huge stand of pecan and oak trees and said...'you will never see a cathedral built by man more majestic than that'....you have done what we all can do...is do your best. Your best is good enough. We become too hard on ourselves sometimes in that we want to paint the skies and mountains with our honor for our child....but we are simply little Mama's and Daddy's....just human people that love our child. You get yourself back to health...and that boy's room ready....and yes....we need to honor and love the ones we have on this earth home....and have in place a way to honor the one that he lost...his brother....but go ahead with love, compassion and a way to thrive instead of just survive. Our living children need that...and we the parents are the only ones that can make that path.

ScreenShot592.jpg

ScreenShot342.jpg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I am totally hopeless with computers! Would someone please post Simon & Garfunkel's "Sound OF Silence" for me. Thanks.  I notice that since the topic of suicide was raised this past week.... there has been a very noticeable difference in the number of postings. It hits with a punch doesn't it? Garfunkel once summed up the song's meaning as the inability of people to communicate with each other on an emotional level. We are hearing daily of the rise in the number of youth suicides. It is alarming to all of us and we all feel helpless in a way to know how to stop it. We  need to hit the nail on the head. Break the silence. Talk, talk, talk. Educate the children about tolerance and compassion. We can start now to break the cycle of stigmatization. 

My son's life is not defined by how he died! He truly modeled by example what it meant to be a caring and loving person. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Kate ...I so agree with you....but our small website...our stage...is so contained....the message will have to be presented on a much larger scale/platform...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Devianz   

Kate,

Here is the song you wanted posted. I've also posted a version by the band Disturbed, it's a remake and it's so beautiful and appeals to our younger generations too;

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Right On Kate! WE need to talk about coming out of the darkness, how to reach out when things seem so dark...I remember this song from when I was in7tth or  8th grade, 1968 1969...I remember crying when I heard it,and stilloften do. Divianz, I love this new version as well. I am listening to it fro the first time and it is powerful...his voice and strength is amazingly touching. Thanks. But those lyrics, Paul Simon is an amazing insightful man/poet. Never wrote anything that I didn't listen to over and over again. Yes Kate, we need to keep talking about this most sad way to lose a friend, a family member, a Child. NO more silence. There is a walk that folks do around here once per year, called out of the darkness. The walk starts at night and people walk into the sunrise. The money earned is to support mental health facilities and specifically to assist with finding treatments for deep depression.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I must agree that the latter version really hit with a punch. Beautifully done. Thank you so much for posting it for me.

Well today we did what we often do when we feel are sinking into a funk. We visited an elderly neighbour in the hospital and then returned home to dig a new perennial garden and plant it. I am beyond tired, but in a good way. This tiny community is about to explode as we are hosting the Canada Summer Games Sailing competition. After that we host the Icelandic Festival. I will say that the summer offers many opportunities to get out and circulate. Love to everyone for a peaceful weekend.

Kate :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I certainly agree with the need to bring attention to suicide.  Michael had two friends, one in high school and one in college that committed suicide. They were good kids, seemed so pleasant and personable around us, for sure.  The one in high school lost a brother to an overdose so I am sure that the darkness of grief just overwhelmed him so.  That was in the late nineties and I am not sure what sort of help was available. Sadly, in Michael's young age he lost several friends for multiple reasons.  We talked about it and how that was so hard for those families... and his group of friends... they were just getting out of high school and then in college.  No one at that age expects to lose a friend to death at that age.  One of his friends was in a bad car accident and the driver was another friend.  He has never been the same since. It is so sad to think of the young lives lost. Michael could have easily been in that car that night. I remember Michael and a couple of friends going over to see the parents of the boy who died several times throughout that year...  I now realize what a kind thing that was. Though not as frequently as it was in the first year, we still have a couple of his friends that come and see us.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
shorty16   

Shannon,  my heart breaks for the pain that girl must have been in.  Her parents now part of our "club".  

Hugs to all.  

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever.

i miss my boy

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
shorty16   

 

 

Jeff's Mom said:

This tiny community is about to explode as we are hosting the Canada Summer Games Sailing competition. After that we host the Icelandic Festival.

I had to laugh when an Icelandic festival is held in the summer.  I live in Wisconsin and can relate to the word Ice.

Thanks for bringing a smile to my face this morning.

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Colleen, our festival promotes Icelandic culture and descent. We have the largest concentration of Icelandic settlers outside of Iceland. I do know that Milwaukee also celebrated the first festival in 1894. This small fishing community swells by the thousands as people arrive from many areas to enjoy the festivities. We also have a Viking re-enactment camp that is really exciting and they hold mock battles several times a day. The young people just love it. The actual name is Islendingadagurinn (Icelandic festival) Google Gimli and the festival... it will show the activities lined up. I smile to myself as well trying to imagine spelling the name without looking it up.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Kate, it sounds fabulous, the festivals. And your new garden too. Is the funk about yur friend who passed away? How is your husband's health right now?

Dianne, yes, Erica was in the house with a few friends when another boy that she did not know, pulled out a gun and started to play russian roulette...she and her girlfriend were in another room when they heard the gunshot...needless to say, they lost a bit of innocence that night when A boy who did not bring the gun, played the game. He died. It was a horrible situation.

It is beautiful out today so I am going to go out and be in it for a while. I wish everyone a Gorgeous Day!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

mermaidrears yes grief is exhausting. I think one spends energy trying to get through the day and not fall apart and the effort involved is very  tiring. I guess it is a case of acheiving what you can when you can whether it be your job or gardening or a hobby. It is important to soothe yourself with something that gives your mind respite and your soul joy or accomplishment. Aug is a tough month for me with both Tommy's birthday on the 2nd and his angelversary on the 16th so I am gearing myself up for those. It will be ok I can visit my special place and chat with him but i know he is always with me anyway.

dee what a horrific story. I am so anti guns anyway and it is incomprehensible that anyone would play a game with a loaded weapon. There are too many accidental shootings already and it is too easy to have a gun and use it after getting drunk or reacting to a bad event. i am grateful we do not have guns in the UK but understand it would be extremely difficult to ban them in the USA too hard to put the genie back in the bottle as they say. I love that idea of a walk so symbolic and raising awareness and money for a great cause.

jeffsmom enjoy the festival sounds very interesting. i love anything that celebrates heritage and culture. too often small cultures are abandoned and forgotten which is a huge loss. In these times of having to be very politically correct there are limitations set down and i think it is wrong. We should all be free to celebrate ourselves in a positive and enlightening way. We had a Native American elementary school teacher who brought in a local tribe to dance for the students. It was incredible.

colleen I miss my boy too.The sadness never fully goes away.

devianz I too love Disturbed and their cover version is amazing. It is not often that a cover excells over the original version but this one does. Music can be so healing can't it? I listen to music occasionally when I am pretty low and let the lyrics wash over me hearing my emotions voiced in the songs is both validating and soothing.

tearsinheaven I hope we see a change in our lifetime over attitudes toward mentall illness but am concerned because of underfunding and budget cuts.

somersky hope you are doing ok?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sending out a song from me and Willie...and Texas....to all the parents on this Sunday morning...all things get easier...except missing you....

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Love me a little Willie, Susan. Thanks.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Lou ann   

Devianz.  Wishing you good luck tomorrow with your surgery.  I hope you will feel much better afterwards as you get relief from your symptoms.  I know its been a rough few weeks with nathans angel date and then your surgery.  Keep strong.  Maybe august will be a healing month for you.  Take care and post us when you feel able so we know how you are. 

Peace to everyone for a relaxing  sunday and then we can start all over again Monday on this journey none of us want to be on. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Devianz...sending wishes for a great outcome tomorrow! Good luck.

Sandy, how are you these day? How is Kelly doing?

Lesley, I imagine you are enjoying your time with your daughter.

We had an awesome storm last evening. I always love electrical storms for some reason. The energy was amazing. We definitely needed that rain and boy did it ever pour. There is nothing like a good downpour to water the trees and shrubs. There is simply no way that you can possibly water enough to accomplish what a decent rain can bring. This has been the best summer I can remember . No mosquitoes or pesky bugs. The nights cool off to a refreshing temp. The flowers and vegies are thriving. 

Sending warm wishes to ALL.

Kate

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Margo, good luck with your surgery and concentrate on healing.  Nathan will be sitting at the head of the table making sure that surgeon and nurses take very good care of his mama.Thoughts for strength sent your way.

Also I admit to always being a Simon and Garfunkel fan but that  second one is really good.  Music has always been a big part of our home and life.  When we lost Michael I could not listen to anything, but I find that music is once again a soothe to my soul. Michael was my big music lover, taught himself guitar and used to play at a couple of local clubs out west.  I got my husband an Amazon Alexa and I admit that I am the one always asking it for music.

Kate, my husband would be right there with you with thunderstorms... he loves to watch them! Hope things are well with your husband.

Susan, I am such a closet country song person. Thanks for posting.

 

enjoy music.jpg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So true Dianne, when you have some sadness in your life, you get the lyrics... which is why I often cried while listening to music as a child, I had plenty of sad and so I listened and felt the lyrics early on...I never stopped crying when I hear songs that touch my heart/spirit. I stood and wept like a fool the other day at the farmers' market when the men who conduct a drum circle performed a wonderful song whose lyrics were extremely poignant. I had to quick get my sunglasses on and my tissue at the ready. With all that the week held, I could not control the tears, not that I am good at that anyhow.

Margo, I wish you a very successful surgery and recovery. I agree, Nathan will be sitting with you and taking extra care of you. Let yourself take the time needed to heal. You have had a lot on your heart so please be kind to yourself.

Kate, I love watching storms move through as well, as long as they don't threaten tornado warnings. I am glad for your good weather. We have had some really pretty days in the last week. I went along with my DIL and the kids today to the pool. It was great fun. 

Love and heart to you All, and to Those who don't post often we think of you and hope for the best.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Somersky   

A bit of a tough day....

A few of my Pilates clients got together and bought a brass plaque in Skylar's remembrance. It sits on the west side of White Rock beach behind the sundial with the most beautiful view. I guess I wouldn't expect anything less...lol! Skylar did appreciate nature and the beautiful things in life and never took anything for granted. When I saw it this morning for the first time...my heart broke and broke and broke...and that choking sadness stayed with me. I will appreciate it I know but now it makes me sad. I miss him so much it hurts so much. 

IMG_7049.JPG

IMG_7050.JPG

IMG_7051.JPG

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now


×