momofJustin

Loss of an Adult Child

60,595 posts in this topic

You see, you can make all the money you desire, buy all the things you ever dreamed of and do everything your imagination can possibly conjure, but at the end of it all, who will be remembering you and for what?

I have a theory, that whilst making history during our stay on this planet is a memorable and worthy thing for sure (who wouldn’t want to find a cure for cancer or save lives every day, for example).
It’s love, actually, that burns your memory on the retina of this earth.

The people you create through your love. The souls you shape through your love. The hearts you touch with your love. They all carry your name in loving memory and for the very best of reasons.

When you love someone, regardless of shared genetics, you somehow place a little part of yourself into them, and that little part can pass through generations. No one can quite explain how that works, but it does. Even if you don’t ‘love’ that person, a life lived lovingly and in kindness can affect the journeys of so many, that in the same vein, a tiny little cell of your being is passed on and on and on, creating little magical stories along the way.

My Granny used to tell me a tale about a woman who helped her one day, when she had lost her money and was afraid to go home. The woman took my sobbing 11 year old Granny back home and made sure she didn’t get in to trouble with her parents and as a result of that one random act of kindness, My Granny lived a life helping others whenever she could and passing on that tiny little sparkle of herself time and time again. Protecting others and building bridges wherever she went.
Something crossed over and into her soul that day and it altered her whole chemical make-up. So much so that she lived her life differently from that point onwards.

There is an unexplained and mystical pathway of fizzing, sparkling, loving energy, that runs invisibly underneath our world and interconnects one human to another. It is not something Science can record and nor is it something money can buy.

The poorest person can leave the longest loving trail behind him, when his time on this earth is over. Likewise, the woman who ‘on paper’ didn’t achieve all that much, can actually have made an impact deeper than any political or social revolution and more enduring than any grand building.

So, what will you do with your dash?

Fill it well.

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Lesley.  Congrats to your daughter. I know that struggle inside of being the proud mom but also the sad mom.  I think we will always have that.  I'm glad you felt a sense of peace with your Tommy lookalike on the bus.  Just your boy letting you know he was there.  Very very accurate description of depression.  And even when you think you can see a pinhole of light or you might have one foot out of the hole, sure enough it can strike you down again, months or even years later.  It does warp your mind, it takes total control and convinces you of things that aren't true.  It is a life long struggle my friend especially for those of us who have lost a child.  But so far we have won and depression has lost.  

Kate.  Good for you bringing attention to the seriousnessof depression. Hopefully one day, maybe after our time, it will be treated with same respect and concern as diabetes, cancers or any other serious illness. Cause that's exactly what it is. And those people who say "well what could have been that bad or  how weak can someone be"?, they are probably the same people who think we should get over our child's death and just move on. Just ignorant and misinformed and callous. Hard to believe in 2017 those beliefs and stereotypes still exist.  

  

  

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To all :

I haven't been on in about a little over a month. I have to say, Susan,  your last post about the dash did me in.  It touched my core and I realize that I could no longer stay away from all of those who have helped me while I have journeyed in this grief.  I stayed away because a grieving mother thought I was uncaring to my fellow grievers. That shook my being that someone could have gotten such a dark image from me and I was afraid to offend someone else while I licked my wounds privately.  I admit right now I am a little shaky to venture into a post but something drew me here today and I opened to the words "dash between the dates".  

I am sorry for not offering my support on many angel dates, birthdays and events.  But know that a part of my heart was here for you.  

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Dianne, I have wondered after you and hoped you were okay...I cannot imagine one thing you have ever posted that could be misconstrued in that way. I am sorry that you have been quietly hurting...I know how that feels though, having had a parent scold me and quit the site allegedly due to my behavior here...I felt horrid about it but honestly, could not find one thing I said to have been hurtful to she or anyone. We can't always have folks interpret our words as we send them I guess.

Susan, the dash is beautiful. I love the dash, thank you.

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Lesley, I am thrilled that your Girl made her way down the aisle for graduation. What a feat to find her way to doing so under so big a strain as the loss of her Brother. Good for her and good for you too. Yep, happy/sad. It is the way we roll. I love that the look-alike was near you on the bus and you felt calm. That is definitely the part that lets me know it was a sign from Tommy, a guardian of sorts, letting you know that he riding along too, that he was there for his sis and he is there for you...

Lesley and Kate, absolutely true, the whole of depression is still not being treated nor accepted for what it is and it is well past time to do so. I do however feel that there are more public service announcements and blurbs about depression and more awareness being brought to the masses. As a third grade teacher, I talk about sadness and when sadness goes on and on it is something to get help for...that nobody should be alone with their worries or sadness. In our country, it seems more acceptable to be angry than sad, which is why we see such a spike in violent crimes...lets look at the sadness these kids have grown up with and realize that if we treat the sadness, the lack of strong family or the lack of a good education, or the lack of a strong neighborhood school, well we might be able to offset the resulting violence and suicides and out and out depression.

 

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Susan.  I love your dash post.  Love the story of your gran.  When I was 15 or so I worked as a student at a green house that grew roses.    I started bring home roses and taking them around to the widowed ladies in town. I don't really remember why I did, guess just thought it would be nice thing to do.  Anyway thier reaction when I went to thier doors totally surprised me. They were smiling and thanking me, some of them sent me thank you notes. It was like a gave them a million bucks.  I realized then that even the smallest of gestures could bring a smile to someone even if only for a minute. And I also remember when I was in grade 4 my teacher lived in our town (pop. 400). My friend and I sat in the grass for a long time picking two big bouquets of dandelions for her. We didn't know they were weeds.  We were so proud and nervous taking them to her front door. She very sternly said "i have enough flowers girls" and slammed the door in our faces.  I remember being so terribly hurt by that. As an adult I looked back at that and thought you mean nasty lady, you could have said thank you girls and then just throw them out. She was a nasty teacher. We didn't get nice teachers like Dee in our town for some reason.  But both those experiences affected me a lot.  I have never done anything in a professional way or on a grand scale, I'm certainly no mother Theresa, but I have always tried to show some kindness and compassion especially for those who have suffered some kind of tragedy.  I know 2 or 3 people who are extremely  wealthy.  Now they have all done much better than me.  They will leave this world leaving behind a lot bigger bank account then me and their tomb stones will be a lot bigger than mine ( my name is already carved in the corner underneath Kira's name), but as long as I've know them I have never seen or heard of them doing anything kind for anyone.  Just always concered about what the next purchase will be or how they can squeeze a dime out of someone. Kira told me two nights before she died she wanted to be a social worker, she at the young age of 17 had so much compassion to help others. Her friends said no matter what was wrong Kira could always cheer them up. She was attending court to support  a friend who had been assaulted at the time she died. She didn't witness it but was there just to support her friend.  She hadn't even told me she was doing this.  She always wanted me to stop and give the homeless some money .  There was an odd kid at school who no one would talk to. I told her maybe he just needs a friend.  So she introduced herself and made friends with him. So even though there wasn't a lot of time for Kira's dash. The time she had was spent helping others. I am so proud of her for that. And can't help but think all the people she would have made a difference for had she gotten the chance. 

Dianne and Dee. I cannot remember either one you saying anything unkind or offensive at all and can't ever imagine that.  Nothing but total kindness and support to everyone.  You have both been beacons of light for me. I hope someone tells me if I say something wrong, I just try to talk from my heart, but would never intentionally hurt anyone. Guess we just can't please everyone.  

I think everyone here are making thier dashs count. If someone had of told me six years ago there was a web site with wonder kind parents who would hold my hands and help me thru this journey I didn't sign up for, I would not have believed that could be. Strangers who would care when my family  and friends don't.  Thanks Susan for bringing up that topic of our dash. It really gives one something  think about . 

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Sometimes Louanne, we are exactly where the universe needs us to be, you found us when you did, and that is what makes us all smile. And thanks for saying "a nice teacher". I am a loving teacher I know that, and I have good insights and instincts so that is good...sometimes we learn how not to be when we meet up with a mean person, just as important a lesson as we never want to be like that. We learn from the good the bad the sad, all of it.

Last evening a friend of mine: teacher, texted and said that a young girl going into sophmore year at our local high school, where my kids went, died suddenly. All I know of her is she was a track star, don't know any circumstances yet. Apparently, she attended our school for 1 and 2 grade but I don't know her never having had her and I teach 3rd. I will reach out to the parents when things settle down some and invite them here. Prayers for Gillian's family.

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Susan, thank you for sharing your post yesterday. It warmed my heart and came at just the right time. I agree about how we all interconnect with the universe through our actions. Whether it be in a grand style... or in a simple one on one way with another human being... we all put that love and caring back. I remember Muhammad Ali said: "Service to others is the rent we pay for our room here on Earth." 

Dianne, I am glad to see you back and wondered what had happened. I can honestly say that you have always offered a kind word and support to all. Never feel that you have let the side down. That simply is not true. 

Dee, so sorry to hear about a former student. Sending prayers for her family. I am happy to see that there is more awareness about depression and now I hope that people will pay better attention to that information. I also would like to add that there are many loving and supportive families that have lost a child to depression. That is the nature of this beast. So frequently the ones suffering the most are very good at hiding it. We all need to show compassion and understanding and hopefully when we see someone struggling, or if they feel safe in opening up to us... we can direct them towards the proper professional help...without fear of stigmatization.   

It is another fabulous day here today. Brilliant sunny skies. We are off to attend the celebration of life for our friend this afternoon. I'm sure he will smile to himself when he see his many friends and family gathered to pay tribute to him. 

Love to ALL, for a decent day.

Kate

 

 

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I just have to say that I have shared more with all of you than I have with my closest friends. It seems really nobody wants to hear that I am still grieving the loss of Skylar..really the loss of my brother and Skylar. It seems people want to see me "laugh" and "be good"!!!! I don't know what to say...they haven't lost a child and quite honestly I would never wish it upon my worst enemy. With my daughter leaving across the country for university I feel I have lost both in a year...being a nuturer I'm at a loss for words. One thing you have to know is that my relationship with Skylar was like no other....it was like I knew him before...we had such a strong connection ...we NEVER fought ..argued...disagreed...! My BIGGEST fear in life was to lose Skylar. I thank you for being by my side while I navigate through this path that is very convoluted....

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It's been a while since I've been here. This summer has been so busy. Zak graduated in May. This summer seemed to be the time all my friends and family from up north wanted to visit. Since the end of May it's been constantly busy. My nephew (my brothers biological son who was adopted shortly after birth by his stepfather) was told about us just recently and his mother (who was once a very close friend) asked for a weekend here for him to meet us all. It's been a wonderful but very emotional and very exhausting summer so far. My grief has evolved to a very private place. Dealing with my ptsd has been hard and I've just found myself in a place of 'no words'. I really needed to come here though. It's the only place I could come. I got the call yesterday. Ashley, the girl who was driving the day I lost Tris, tried to take her own life. She's in ICU with no brain activity. My heart is breaking. I can't stop thinking of and praying for her family. She was just here for Zak's graduation. In true Ashley style she jumped right in when she saw me running around like a crazy person and helped with everything. We made plans for a visit before school started, when things weren't so crazy. She told Zak she would bring his friends from home who he doesn't see much and spend a weekend. We are so devastated. I've only seen Zak cry twice since he was 13. Once for his Sister and now for Ash.

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PTSD is a horrible place. Flashbacks can haunt you and are so hard. I flashback to the morning I had to give Skylar CPR and his face was turning yellow and his lips purple...he kicked and I thought "omg he has a chance" 

flashbacks to when I held his beautiful face and had to say goodbye...the doctors telling me they could not save him and telling me they wanted his "corneas"

i only had a few minutes with him with the doctors around me ready to take him away. I saw him minutes later with a blanket over him and a tag on him....

sometimes I don't know how I live day to day but I do it. 

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Dianne i have never seen anything  even vaguely offensive in your posts. i think you are one of the most supportive and understanding members. i am sad you felt the need to withdraw but sooo glad you came back to us you were missed. We are not always going to agree with each other or each other's thoughts because we are all unique individuals, just because we all have lost a child does not mean we have identical thought processes. it depends on where you are in your journey. The parent that upset you was prob still in the anger/defensive stage and hit out because of her own stuff not yours. I like that we are all different.

mermaidtears i agree we all need to strive to be kind aand try and make a difference in a positive way even if it seems very small and insignificant. i believe maya Angelou made a well known quote about you never forget how someone made you feel and that is true. Words can raise you up or bring you down they have a power that is huge.

On 7/22/2017 at 4:44 PM, Mermaid Tears said:

.

There is an unexplained and mystical pathway of fizzing, sparkling, loving energy, that runs invisibly underneath our world and interconnects one human to another. It is not something Science can record and nor is it something money can buy.

The poorest person can leave the longest loving trail behind him, when his time on this earth is over. Likewise, the woman who ‘on paper’ didn’t achieve all that much, can actually have made an impact deeper than any political or social revolution and more enduring than any grand building.

Love that quote, your entire post was superbly written.

Thanks for all the congrats on my daughter's graduation i appreciate it. It is wonderful when despite grieving our family members can pick up and succeed at things. i hope to succeed at something too one day. My 3 kids all came down for the w/e which is always lovely but all arrived and left at different times so it seemed very brief. Celebrating the good times is important and always being there via a phone/text. my daughter will move in with me in a couple weeks while she finds a job, the city she is in is notorious for having few jobs. I hope she will be able to find employment and a subsequent training scheme so she can move to another city to find her career. having a degree is not enough sometimes due to the number of applicants for such a few jobs. she will be well looked after and supported until she is ready financially to leave the nest again!

 

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Hi just a quick catch up I'm so ill facing having my right kidney removed just waiting to be well enough to face the operation.  I've had the nuclear scan to see how well its functioning feeling so ill I just can't cope.  But your post and your words keep me going and give me hope so thank you so much for that.  Sorry I've missed so many angel dates and anniversaries there always in my thoughts and prayers and my heart xx

God Bless gxx

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We returned home after a very fitting send off for a truly giving person. I know he would have loved the gathering. He was a member if an antique car club and was definitely into bands like Pink Floyd, Dire Straits, and the Stones. The main message was that he loved everyone without  hesitation or discrimination. What a lovely legacy to leave behind.

Shannon, oh my dear ...I am so very sorry. The poor girl. I'm glad you came here to talk. The place where we all get it. Please keep us posted and we are sending loving wishes and prayers your way. I have really missed your posts.

Somersky...PTSD really is a horrible thing. I imagine we all suffer from one form of it on this site after losing a loved one. It has been seven years since my son died and my husband and I still find ourselves pushing back the memories from that night. We, too, performed CPR on him even after he took his last breath waiting for the paramedics. The feeling still haunts my husband as he felt his last breath.I will tell you this...now after several years we push that memory to the back burner and focus on something that makes us smile when we think of him. It will take quite some time to find your feet touch the ground again. But know this...we have all walked in those shoes and we are still functioning. We have our ups and downs and good and bad days even after a lot of time has passed. Hold on with both hands and know we are here for you.

Tommy's Mom, heck it sounds to me as if you have raised your children in a very responsible manner. That to me is a huge accomplishment! It will be lovely to have her with you for those few weeks. Enjoy her company while you can. Tell me, did they finally get over the silly reporting about our GG gently guiding the Queen's elbow while she descended the stairs of Canada House? I know it was considered a break with protocol... but honestly...he was concerned that she might take a tumble and the results could have been fairly serious. A full face plant could have been a lot worse. 

Well, we are off to sit outside to sip a cool drink and toast our dear friend. Thinking of everyone. 

Heck Georgina, I just read your post. Please know we are wishing you the best of recoveries and a speedy one if I do say so!

 

Kate:)

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Somersky, I am so glad that you have found some respite here, some understanding and protection.

Shannon, I am so sad for your news...Ashley was just with you and now is just hanging on. I am sure that your hearts are roken...she was never able to fully forgive herself was she. Poor Baby. Are you in contact wiht her parents? Hug Zak for us all, as we understand the ache and pain he is feeling. Give him a congratulatory hug as well, graduated and ready for the next step. Does he have a next step planned?

PTSD is the worst, and most of us have suffered it on some level. Remember to take extra good care of yourselves...

Georgina, I know that you don't feel up to the changes coming but boy, it could be that after this surgery, you are going to start being so much healthier. Prayers in that direction sweet Woman.

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Dear...sweet friends on this website.....a dear and long time friend sent me that post....it so touched me....I wanted to share it with all of you...as soon as I posted it I was going to post some other news...but....phone rang...and then...I had a house full...a patio full....a pool full.....family and friends coming and going...and now I have a empty house...and some time. It does give us food for thought...and we just never know how a small act of kindness...or consideration will touch someone. We All Know That on this site....for we reach out to each other with care and compassion.

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Oh Shannon....I was just thinking of you the other day.....we have many new parents on the site now....and some are having a really hard time....I wanted them to 'know' about you and your situation and circumstances when your Trista passed away....I would actually 'cringe' just reading your posts...and then I would say special prayers for you at night and morning....to give you strength and stamina.....you had such uphill...challenges....you had very little support...certain members of your family were more like enemies...and you had your two sons to take care of all by yourself...you had lost your husband before you lost Trista and your present husband was having issues with drug use. You had to claw your way up a rocky mountain...and carry your grief. Then....you found another path....one in which you could gather your boys and live in a sweet home...all of you safe and find a way to not only survive but to thrive. I am so proud of you...we all know it was not easy. I am beyond sad for you and the boys....I so remember your posts about Trista's friends coming and being there for Halloween and Christmas...her birthday....her angel date. I so remember you posting about her. It is a tragic tragedy. Please keep us posted. Very happy for Zak...a great milestone for the young man.

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So this weekend, our basement flooded and the sump pump failed at 10:30 PM, just when all the hardware stores had closed for the evening. We stayed up all night trying to keep things out of the water and I noticed that some of Nathaniel's things got a little wet on the bottom and my heart was crushed. I spent most of Sunday in the basement sorting through what could be salvaged and what had to be thrown out. It was a cruel end to the cruelest year on record.  Tomorrow is Nathan's angel date, and I am not sure I'll be on to respond. I'm tired. I have that major surgery in one week as well, so I'm getting double the dose of stress and anxiety. We also found out that one of Nathan's friends committed suicide over the weekend, and I know he was distraught for a long time after Nathan's passing.  I reached out to his mother and we both had a very long conversation filled with lots of tears and lots of hugs. I have that funeral to attend next weekend. She did not want to have it during the week.

Tomorrow we are going to plant a tree in a protected forest preserve and place a spoonful of his ashes beneath with the help of a ranger friend of ours.

He loved the outdoors and camping, so we felt it was only fitting.

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Devianz....when it rains...it pours. There are times I wish I could live 'down the street' when I hear the issues and challenges some parents are having. For now...all I have are words...but those words come from my heart. Yes....we feel your stress and anxiety..when so many things happen that are out of our control..it makes our grief so very hard to carry. We simply feel as if we spin and spin...and feel dizzy...and overwhelmed. You reached out to that Mom...for you know dark days are ahead for that family....what is going on with the suicide of so many young ones....our granddaughter has had to attend two funerals in 2 months of young men committing suicide....we had a long talk yesterday. We will be 'with you' tomorrow...we can feel your 'tired' ...what a unique way to bless and honor your boy....I so love the idea of his ashes being placed in a forest. John David loved the outdoors, too. We blessed and scattered his ashes in the bay at Port Aransas....in front of the Lydia Ann Lighthouse....one of his favorite places to fish. Please try to get little time outs to rest and put your feet up...breathe deeply....eat fruit and drink lots of cool water...get a little sunshine.

 

Somersky.....even though I have a shattered heart...all the pieces are on the floor of my life....I still have enough intact to have unconditional empathy for another parent. I am on the 5th year of my grief journey....and I think that it is by the Grace of God/Mother/Father of the Universe...and the parents on this site...that I have 'got by' ....day by day....day to day....it is like I am on Auto-Pilot some days....the first 3 years I had such foggy thinking...still do some days...but we learn to live one day at a time....we live one hour to another hour some days....but 'we have promises to keep...and miles to go before we sleep'.....Stay in Grace...Stay in Peace.

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Dianne.....I was thinking you were visiting your sweet family.....I can truthfully state that I have never read any of your posts that were callous or caustic. You have such a 'sweet' heart...and a thoughtful way of caring. (Even though you lived a life with a Mother who seemed to have no love for you.) I think you have done an outstanding job of rising above that childhood....and finding yourself placing footsteps of love and compassion. You owe no one an apology...and I hope you can brush that remark/words away like you do a fly and get back to being you and being a part of this site. We are all so unique...and come from so many backgrounds and directions....that way....there can be one or some that can really identify with some parents in ways that other parents can't. This kind of grief does not have a 'One Size Fits All'. We have all had our share of heartache and heartbreak...we don't need another to add to that layer of pain.

Dee...am glad your boy is having a good recovery. One of my DIL had back surgery about 3 months ago...although not as extensive as your boy....she is doing fine. I was hoping the Dr. would suggest/order that she lose some weight before surgery...she is quite heavy/chunky....and am sure this causes some of her back issues...and other health issues....but he didn't. I think her recovery will be short lived.

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