momofJustin

Loss of an Adult Child

60,113 posts in this topic

Jeffs mom. Prayers and thoughts are with your husband.  He sounds like a very courageous man with all he has had to face.  I hope you get some rest. Peace to you both. 

Tears in heaven.  Very nice poem and oh so true.  Thanks for sharing.  

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Dianne, how very kind of you. Your prayers are very much appreciate as are the wishes of everyone on this site.

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I have been busy all day with the Kids so I was not aware until now of all the posts. Kate, I am terribly sorry that Ross has more to face with his health, and it means that you too, have more to face. I am holding you in prayer, in thought, and in my heart as the two of you face this as you always do: united and with great love. I love how many folks here are sending their love to you and prayers out to the universe. Amen.

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May you all feel the love and deep spiritual connection to your Children today...reminding you that you will always be their Mom...nothing takes that from us.

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Once a Mom always a Mom remember that. Love and peace to you all.

 

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Prayers for the family of  a 16 year old boy who decided to jump off a train trestle into the river, with his friends yesterday...they surfaced in the river but he did not. Helicopters swooping low since last evening here. Prayers for we know what it is they will have to face.

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Love to all of you today. Celebrate the joy of mothering and know once a mother always a mother and nothing can take that away. Today I taped a new tiny lock of Forest's hair in my locket while my husband was mowing as a quiet gift to myself. May you all have a peaceful moment of reflection today.

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Hi Gretchen, such a beautiful locket, I am glad and so must Forest be, that you gave yourself a quiet little gift. Good for you.

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Gretchen....how I understand having that 'moment'...we don't want to parade or showboat our deep feelings...and I think your time with your boy is so spread out with all the parents....today...a busy day...and we gave Veto....John David's Zippy Monkey to him....it was in his Memory chest...for years....I took it out..opened it up...got all the old filling out...washed him...dried him...stuffed him with new stuffing....I know John David would approve ...for he would want that new little man of ours to have something from him....

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John David's Zippy....his treasured stuff pal....it now will be loved by Veto....

Veto and Uncle Hunter Bear....

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A perfect reincarnation for Zippy. Veto looks perfect too!

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mermaid tears what a loving gesture to Veto, very special and meaningful. I have my kids much loved childhood favourite toy in my attic. Tommy's was a handknitted scarecrow he called it "sarefro" because he was too little to pronounce it correctly! I kept their one favourite toy so they could show their own children one day. Tommy's will go in my Tommy box which will be there for his siblings and/or their children to come to look through.

Gretchen your locket is lovely. i too have a small snippet of my son's hair in a locket, and I also have his handprints. i just needed something physical as a reminder of my son besides old photos. I think as parents we need something more because we have lost so much.

Dee another tragedy for another family so sad. you are right we do know what the family will be facing and my hope is that either someone special comes into their lives or they join an online family like ours to feel support and care. Sometimes I despair over the amount of suffering in this world, especially when it hits a family or is to do with the loss of a child because that hits right home directly to my heart. We learn so much more from painful times in our life because they have a longer lasting impact and I guess we are all here to learn and to teach others the wisdom we have gained through our experience whatever it may be. being here on earth is a teaching experience for all of us throughout our lives. let us hope we can learn good things from bad experiences and help others who are following the same lonely path.

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Oh Veto, you are one beautiful Boy, you are making your Uncle so happy to adopt his old beloved monkey. Susan, how nice for you to do that, to restuff the monkey. I have a stuffed animal, well many, but one that was/is Erica's favorite, a dog with a spots. Erica named him: Wait for it: Rough Spot Paw. She looked at him as soon as she opened her eyes on the first day of 1st grade, and she said, " Oh its Rough Spot Paw?" He's had a few new noses over the years. One day not too long ago, Erica (little one) asked if she could take the dog into the room for privacy. It was Erica's (big) old bedroom. I love the ways our little ones carry on the traditions and connections to our Gone too Soon Kids.

Peace on this day.

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It has been awhile since I have visited this site.  These past few weeks have been very difficult, my job as a social worker is extremely draining and I find I have NOTHING left to give at the end of the day.  My husband is retired so he is home and I am no help or company to him when I get home.  This school year doesn't end for another 3 weeks and working with students is just too hard.  I'm doing everything I can do to hang in and get to the last day.  I'm so hoping time off this summer will help me get myself together and be ready to come back in August with the commitment & enthusiasm I once had, my students deserve better than what I am currently able to give. 

My husband and I celebrated our 25th Anniversary in April.  Prior to Chris passing away the month before, we had planned a party and ultimately decided we would go forward with it.  We had a good time and it was wonderful to have all the people we loved in one room together for a few hours......but  Chris wasn't there and that was on my mind throughout the evening.

Mother's Day was awful,  truth is this wasn't the first awful mother's day - for the last 8 year or so they have all been bad.  Chris would be angry, or in a rehab program, or a residential facility or home but out with his friends not even acknowledging the day.  The  only difference this year was that I always had hope that next year could be different.  Now there is no hope that  things will ever be different, just this dark empty place that aches more and more with each passing day.....

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Friends, I'm hurting today and I am not sure how to proceed or even if I should take any action, but yesterday, Mother's Day, after having a pleasant day with my husband and my daughter Jasmine, having put new baskets of flowers on my front porch, my Jasmine made me a beautiful cake, and I watched my hubby plant new butterfly bushes in our yard, and tired from just walking, came in and reclined to rest and my angelboy, Jared played some music for me from his photobox which hasn't worked for several years, and for that hour which his music played, I relaxed and thought of my 15 years with him. Later in the evening, my daughter rode into town, about 3 miles away, and saw the damned vehicle that hit and killed my son on a used car lot for sale! She took a picture of the VIN number and came home and compared it to the police report, and sure enough it's the same vehicle!!! I know the lot owner is not to blame in anyway, but you can imagine what it will feel like for us until the damned thing is sold, and we no longer have to look at it! 
It was bad enough the driver was never charged, even though she had alcohol and prescription drugs onboard ( no open container law here) but she spent the first three years speeding past our home in that vehicle like nothing ever happened. Finally this  last year we haven't heard anything from her after she tried to charge Jasmine with assault because they saw each other out publicly and Jasmine got upset and started crying. She wasn't successful in her attempt to cause more problems, as Jasmine was found not guilty. Now this! What the hell?? 
Thoughts, please. I wouldn't want to be the innocent person buying this car not knowing, but I have a feeling there isn't anything to let them know! Probably only the parts that were replaced, etc. Poor Jasmine went to bed in tears, once again. We have tried to rely on God to handle vengeance, but it gets harder and harder.

 

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Mary Ellen, it may be that your job is too high stress...I hope having this summer off will give you the time you need.

Becky, I am sorry you saw the vehicle that killed your Jared for sale. I know how that would have stabbed me in the heart to see that. Hugs. (And it is hard not to think of the vengeance aspect.)

Susan, I was so startled to see your John David's monkey. I had one just like it when I was little....I am sure there is a lot of love passed on in that toy!

Kate, how are things with you and Ross? Sending prayers.

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Mothers Day was awful. My husband and I got in a big fight, everything was just bad. I sent him out with the flowers I had bought, I just couldn't do it. It is my second child grave site! I am so mad at the universe!

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Christophersmom I am sorry you are feeling so broken up. Part of the grief process is also acknowledging that nothing can change in regards to your son. There is not going to be a next year or a chance to do things differently and that is a stark bare fact that is so painful. I know that dark empty place only too well. As you go through the process gradually the light peeks in and you will be able to face happier memories instead of longing for something that cannot be. just hang in there. Your job sounds stressful and you recognise you are not able to give 100% not surprising with the very recent passing of your son. having time off is really key to recovery time to cry, catch up on missed sleep, establish new routines, and concentrating on making peace with yourself. Congratulations on your anniversary, having a good husband beside you must really help.

becky seeing that car must have felt like a dagger in your heart I am sorry. It really is so awful having to see the perpetrator freely driving around as if nothing had happened and then to see the actual vehicle for sale. i would feel anger too and betrayal, but there is probably nothing you can do regarding the car. Hopefully someone will either buy it and take it out of town or it gets scrapped. It was the person driving it that was the cause ,and to not get any punishment for her dangerous driving and possession of alcohol and drugs is appalling. It would make me feel angry too. The most important thing is not to get involved with the person at all, even if provoked, because she tried to make trouble before for your family and it did not end so well. Easier said than done I know, I would have to clench my fists and force myself to walk away all the while wanting to scream at her and shake some sense into her. Unfortunately that is not our job to exert justice and the law would not take kindly to any action. It must be a terrible burden knowing she is out there free to live her life but if she gets into any more trouble with the law some justice may come down. they say a leopard does not change its spots or behaviours so you will have to keep back and wait for karma to catch up. i wish i had words of comfort to offer you, it is a very difficult position for your family to be in.

laurie that one day has the power to set off a firework display of emotions and to have two gravesites to visit must be so very very hard, I am sorry. Certain dates and times of year are especially provoking as we all know, it is a case of just getting through that day as best you can and starting afresh the next day. Being mad at the universe makes total sense. i was furious and I blame God, that is who I cannot forgive hence my atheism. I guess we all need someone to blame right? My eldest daughter was mad at evryone and everything for over a year because it is easier to mask deep sorrow with anger, but not healthy. She eventually chipped away at her anger realising it was misplaced and is more settled but she is still a ways away from being recovered because she does not want to talk about her brother's death. it will be a thin scab covering it until a time when it gets knocked off by some other big life event and she will need to face the trauma then. We both see that denial is not healthy but she is an adult who makes her own choices and i have to respect her wishes and be there for when she needs me. no one grieves the same way or for the same time. There is no right or wrong way we each have to find our own path and our individual way of dealing with things. My other daughter keeps it all very quietly inside and does not engage in talking about her brother she puts on a brave happy face to hide her pain. She worries me the most. My youngest son is quite well balanced I think. he has made some peace for himself and cried with his girlfriend and seems to have accepted the situation in as much as you can accept it. There should be a grief class where you can throw soft things and punch bags and kick the hell out of soft cushioned items to allow parents and siblings to alleviate their anger and pain in a healthy physical way and then get gentle support after. just a thought. I really hope tomorrow brings a better day, and then a better week for you. grief sucks.

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Oh gosh, sorry to see that so many are struggling with various issues.  With  the full moon last week I find it always seems to send things into a tail spin. Moods soar up and down like crazy. Also, Mother's Day is always one of the hardest to get through. I'm glad it is over, but  will admit that it was not as difficult as I was anticipating. My granddaughters are real little artist's and painted me individual flower pots at school. I am over the moon and now just have to find a perfect little plant for each one. I just spoke to my youngest and it always brings a smile to my face hearing her little voice. She is such a cutie. They are ready to murder their dog however. He is definitely NOT a house dog. He is more of a sheep dog that belongs on a farm. That dog has eaten the legs on their dining room chairs, chewed the corner of an entrance wall, etc. Loony for sure! 

We walked into the site again yesterday. Then afterwards we headed to a few greenhouses to browse. I was in my glory and managed to do some damage for sure. Ross is handling his latest issue as he always does. Like a trooper. I am the one that is beginning to crumble. I find I am needing to sleep more than ever before as my energy is beyond sapped. I can't seem to get enough sleep these days. We had a quiet but terrific dinner last night and then watched a program called Dickensian. I am really enjoying it. Ross's way of dealing with things is to just get on with it and keep as busy as he can. I can't say how much I admire his determination not to give in to things. 

It was a beautiful day here today with lots of sunshine and very pleasant temps. I am organizing my gardens and planning my shopping excursions for flowers. Stay strong everyone and hold on with both hands. I hope things begin to calm down for all of you soon. And Becky, remember your health! You have to look after you as you have been through so much lately. Love to ALL, Kate

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I'm at work. I have this antsy feeling. I looked at clocked and realized it's the time my daughter started drinking on the Monday night before she passed on Tuesday. I want to start crying. What do I have to do, take Monday night through Wednesday mornings off? 

Yesterday was bad. I slept all morning till 1 in the afternoon.  Then tried keeping my mind off of my daughter and went to movie with my son. He gave me a card and a typed note, he knows I wouldn't have been able to read his handwriting.  It made me tear up. 

I'm putting the CD with the photos and video recordings on it in the mail to the law firm tonight. I really hope they take the case. 

I sent my mom a message on Facebook messenger wishing her happy mother's day yesterday and asked her to forgive me for not calling her. It was a rough day. She said she was having a rough weekend. She called me later and I totally forgot about telling her. She talked about her weekend and the weeping she was doing. I wanted to tell her I can't comfort her. I don't have it in me to be strong for anyone but my son. I couldn't though. I want to direct her to an online site as well but not this one. I'll have to look into more or find a local chapter she can attend.

I sent a screenshot of the official death report to my sister, since her husband so blatantly pointed out the "forensic pathologist in minnehaha county put positional asphixiation due to acute alcohol intoxication" on Facebook like they saw it. She hasn't said anything and doubt she will. She never does when she is wrong. It says: primary "positional asphixiation due to the face down position" contributory: "acute ethanol intoxication".

I miss her. It's getting harder. I know it will never be easy. I know I'm fairly new to this journey. I hate it, absolutely hate it, which I know we all do. 

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I also have a thumb print charm as does my son. 

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Home sick with a fever and bad throat and bad stomach, will write tomorrow. Love to All, hold on. We are here.

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Well, thanks friends for letting me vent about seeing the car that killed my boy. We went today to the car lot and talked with the owner. He thought we were interested in buying it, so I asked if they had a "car fax" on it, and he said no, so I asked if he knew how many owners it had or where it came from. He told us that his son had bought it about two years ago and was now selling it and buying a bigger vehicle as he now had two children to transport. Oh dear God, we asked for the name of the seller and it turned out to be a guy that Jasmine went to school with, and so she realized at that moment that he also would have known my son, Jared. So I took the plunge and told the lot owner who was the first owner of this vehicle had been and what she did with it. He looked mortified! He wanted to know when and where that had happened, and we told him and Jasmine showed him the matching vin number on her phone, plus the pictures of the vehicle from the scene if the crash. No pics of my  son, just the car. Again, mortified. He promised to tell his son, who he felt would be most upset to know he'd been driving that vehicle for the last two years. Evidently even if they had gotten a car fax it would only tell you about damage, but not anything about a fatality. I just think that is messed up. I also told him how evil the first owner that killed my son had been towards us. He seemed genuinely sorry and said so, which is more than we ever got from her. I requested he try and sell it to someone far away, but who knows what will happen with that. I just really don't want to see it again. That was so hard, and I came home and felt like crap all day. Thank you, Susan, Laurie, Tommy's mom, and Kate for your concern. I'm trying g to guard my health but sometimes I feel like she might as well have killed me too. I don't think she has a clue what she has done to my family, or that she cares in the least. I do not understand that kind of meaness. 

 

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Tinay, I am so sorry that you are going through this difficult time. We all know how rough those first two years are. Each day is a terrible struggle to just get up and keep going. Replaying those last moments is something we all do for some time. As a parent we need to feel we were there for them up until the end. We ask ourselves what we could have done to perhaps prevent such a terrible thing happening. The bottom line is that there is nothing as it was her time to go. Please... as hard as this ...know that we are here and do understand how much you are hurting. We would take it away if only we could. Stay strong and just hold on to the fact that it will ease somewhat in time.

Gretchen...I love your locket. It's beautiful!

Susan, thanks for sharing your pictures. Veto is growing by leaps and bounds. That cheeky monkey has found a great new home.

Dee, stay in bed and self care today. I hope you will be feeling better by tomorrow. 

Becky, it must be so hard to have seen that car. I am glad that the salesman was horrified to hear what had happened.  Would you consider buying the car and having it taken to a wrecking yard? I do worry that your health will suffer from this added stress. Jared would most definitely want you to be as healthy as you can be. Take care of yourself! 

Dianne...how are you? Thank you again for your kindness. We are up and putting one foot in front of the other. I know that any prayers on our behalf can not help but be beneficial.

It is cloudy and cool today. Perhaps the rain in the forecast will freshen things up a tad. I am wishing everyone a decent day today.

Kate 

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Mary Ellen, I knew that this longer silence had everything to do with your sadness and the overwhelming sense of grief. Combine that with the demands of your job, holy cow! Can you take a leave of absence for the remainder of the year? It should have been offered by the school district, but since it wasn't can you find out? A teacher with our district lost her 18 year old this past winter...a terrible fast cancer...they gave her three days of bereavement. THREE DAYS! 3? Holy Crap. She is a single parent and cannot do without her pay and when we tried to give her sick days that we have banked...they would not allow it. They used to, not anymore. Amazingly callous behavior for a school don't you think? I urge you to use whatever means to get the days off and have your time to grieve.

Becky, the car sounds like a continuation of the nightmare but hey...you three can do this. You can move forward in such a way that allows your heart the freedom it needs. THat car didn't do the crime, that woman did, and the state did when they did not prosecute...Don't get me wrong...I know that it is hard to see, hard to know it is in the neighborhood, but good humans drove it too. Like the car dealership manager's son.

Tinay, I love the idea of a thumbprint on the charm. Beautiful. Forever.

Kate, I am glad for your outing to the greenhouses...and the quiet dinner. I know that Ross is a move forward kind of guy, and I know that you need to regain whatever strength you can in the face of upset. You sleep when you need and eat well. One day at a time.

Fever left but is coming back and I will see the doctor soon.

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