momofJustin

Loss of an Adult Child

60,113 posts in this topic

Lou Ann-i came back to work 2weeks after. I have no choice. I have to pay my bills and keep the roof over mine and my son's heads. I was taking Tuesday's off. But I couldn't this week and will be getting OT as the other supervisor isn't cutting it. VP is having meeting with him tomorrow so I might be only supervisor for awhile. My bosses are very lenient with me. I am grateful for that.

Someone asked what the fund raising money was for, sorry can't remember who, it was to help with funeral/hospital expenses. We are waiting to see if hospital will be written off or taken care of by her insurance. The funeral-my dad paid over half of it and her dad's place of employment put a good chunk down too. There isn't much left to cover. I've been getting the fundraising monies as I just started this position the day prior to her passing. I would have been without income for a month. The 3 individuals involved, they are court ordered to pay the funeral expenses. So my dad and her dad will get the money back. However long that will take. 

As for the rest of the fundraising money, I just have to explain it's been a month since the auction and if I don't see those funds by a certain date, I'll let my attorney deal with it. She will probably come up with it pretty fast. I'm close to losing my vehicle. Ugh. Anyways. 

 

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You Were the Pride of Our Hearts
          

It’s so difficult to let you go
Though death’s left us no other choice
We’re mourning the loss of never seeing you again
Of never hearing your precious voice  

It seems that in life there are certain times
Which are more than 'simply unfair'
When our hearts search out for better answers
But cannot seem to find them there  

And such is the case at your passing
Contemplating the briefness of your life
All the great things that you still would have done
If you’d been granted a little more time  

It isn’t difficult to envision the possibilities
For look at what you’d already done
The difference you’d made in so many lives
In all that you had become  

Perhaps you were simply too good for this life
So God called you back to Heaven
That your life needed no further testament
Than the goodness you’d already given

But regardless of the reason
For why you had to depart
We will miss you every single day of our lives
For you were the pride of our hearts  

Thank you for being our example
Inspiring us through your courage and drive
We’ll cherish all the precious memories
That you lovingly created in our lives  

For truly, your life reflected
A wisdom that few, so young, can see
Yet your humbleness kept you from knowing
The legacy your life would leave  

Still we’ll miss you most for your love and your smiles
For they made our world seem so bright
And we’ll treasure each memory and moment
Every way you blessed our pathways in life  

And though we can’t quite understand
Why so soon you had to part
We’re eternally grateful for the gift of your life
For you were the pride of our hearts!

this is the poem I picked out for my precious daughter

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Hello friends,

Raining again here in Wisconsin...wow are we going to have some flowers!!

Darcy12 - This grief journey is a long and hard one.  We will never "Get over it."  Please discard the thought that "you should be farther along or feel better." You are fine right where you are.  Be kind to yourself.

Tommy's Mom - your words to others on this site are encouraging and elequent.  I enjoy reading your responses.

I would like to tell you about my experience with Brians death.  I had just received the phone call all parents dread. "Brian was in an accident...it is really bad...you need to get down here."

As I stood up to walk out of the room, I felt "something" go through my body.  This "feeling" stopped me in my tracks.  I could not believe all the feelings I felt in that split second of time. There was no fear.  I did not feel alone and I wanted to be there.  I had no idea what this feeling was until about 1.5 years later.  Another Mom posted on this site: " I felt her go through me when she died."  After reading that, I knew that is what I felt.  Brian went through my soul when he died.  Brian was happy, not afraid, and not alone.  I think of this feeling many times and it brings me joy in the face of such loss.

Thanks for reading.

Colleen, Brians Mom forever

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Tinay....I love...love that poem....I sometimes cringe when I hear of the circumstances...situations of some parents when they are faced with this kind of grief....we had a Mom....who lost her beautiful daughter...Trista...and she had her 2 young sons with her....but...the 'family' she had...her circumstances...was just beyond awful...I wish she was still active on this site for she could give you and LouAnn so much wisdom....there is nothing I can do in a physical way...but I can be here for you...and hear you...

LouAnn....there is simply nothing wrong in enjoying small pleasures....in fact...it is normal...and healing....and it shows that your love for your girl is strong...and straight on....we don't get medals or ovations for being martyrs..or being stoic...no one will march you out on a stage with a plaque saying...'THIS MOM GRIEVED SO WELL'....my John David would be the first...to come down from Heaven and lecture me....for not 'being his Mom...and being ME'....

tommys Mum....I love that you find colors in nature that will reflect your SONshine boy....you give us such wisdom and heart lifts with your posts...thank you...

Mother's Day is coming....it will be a hard one for many.....

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Lou ann, I remember feeling a bit like that after Erica died nearly 14 years ago now. I realized though, that Erica was all around me, urging me on. I felt her urging me into the world, and I felt the promise of her with me all the time. I talk to her still, everyday, I haven't let her go, how could I? I had to let the terrible day when the train hit her go though. I had to. I went out each evening right around the time of that last evening, for my evening walk. I called Erica that last evening, and we talked and laughed and bid each other love. I promised her I would send her a new skirt that I purchased that very day for her. Instead, she wore it to her own wake/funeral. But what I realized at around the 5 month mark was, I had to change the vision. I had to go out for my walk and do something other than replay the sequence of what occurred. I had to do this in order to let some light filter into my spirit. I know my Girl, she was rooting for me to quit reenacting the terrible phone call I received a half hour after my call with her. I had to physically do something different each night that i went out for a walk...call my sisters, ride my bike instead of a walk, ask a friend to walk with me, something that changed the scenario a bit and disallowed that same repetition of the night. Eventually, I was able to break the spell, the need, the obligation it seemed to replay, the neurotic repetition of negative, to a new way. I never left Erica behind, and Lord and Erica know, that that horrid night, is right there behind my eyes, inside my heart, imprinted on my soul, but that I visit it only briefly and occasionally now, allowing much more room in my memory for the goodness in Erica's life. And I do think that that is key, at least for me, to change the habit and then just to know and feel that you are taking your Child along everywhere you go. And you are. You will always be the Mom in your Child's smile and heart. Nothing changes that.

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11 hours ago, Tinay said:

You Were the Pride of Our Hearts
          

It’s so difficult to let you go
Though death’s left us no other choice
We’re mourning the loss of never seeing you again
Of never hearing your precious voice  

It seems that in life there are certain times
Which are more than 'simply unfair'
When our hearts search out for better answers
But cannot seem to find them there  

And such is the case at your passing
Contemplating the briefness of your life
All the great things that you still would have done
If you’d been granted a little more time  

It isn’t difficult to envision the possibilities
For look at what you’d already done
The difference you’d made in so many lives
In all that you had become  

Perhaps you were simply too good for this life
So God called you back to Heaven
That your life needed no further testament
Than the goodness you’d already given

But regardless of the reason
For why you had to depart
We will miss you every single day of our lives
For you were the pride of our hearts  

Thank you for being our example
Inspiring us through your courage and drive
We’ll cherish all the precious memories
That you lovingly created in our lives  

For truly, your life reflected
A wisdom that few, so young, can see
Yet your humbleness kept you from knowing
The legacy your life would leave  

Still we’ll miss you most for your love and your smiles
For they made our world seem so bright
And we’ll treasure each memory and moment
Every way you blessed our pathways in life  

And though we can’t quite understand
Why so soon you had to part
We’re eternally grateful for the gift of your life
For you were the pride of our hearts!

this is the poem I picked out for my precious daughter

I am Crying as I type this! The poem you found fits perfectly to my Son.

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Louann it is ok to take some time for yourself and do something you enjoy or take up a new hobby. being present and living again is what our children want and it is also a welcome sign to your other children that it is ok to move on slowly and not punish yourself constantly. I believe our kids are happy where they are, they are free from the sadness and bad things that we experience on this earth and they walk beside us every day even if we cannot see or feel them encouraging us to keep going and to be better people. I think of Tommy climbing trees, riding bikes and skateboarding as he was constantly in motion.The signs we long for can be very few and far between but their presence can be felt with a gentle breeze ruffling your hair or touching your skin,a sun peeping out after a rainstorm, a bird singing that lifts your heart, just random things that happen in life. It may be a song on the radio or a book you are reading, a sentence that someone has written to you. You just need to believe that it is not all over and you will be reunited again with your daughter one day just not for now. celebrate her purpleness! Plant purple flowers or buy a small piece of jewellry in purple to feel that connection against you or paint something abstract and beautiful with her favourite colours in them. Try crafting or photography there are so many guides on the internet,some crafts take only ten minutes. Perhaps making something beautiful and simple for your home will help you feel that unbroken connection between you and your little girl. It is about making new memories with a connection to our child ,something that makes us smile, just a little with fondness.

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Tinay I hope you are able to recover the money and be able to fix your car and pay off the funeral expenses.I love that poem, so beautiful. When we share something meaningful to us it helps others, touches a chord, sparks a memory and it is doubly beautiful because it is shared. It touched allenb and that is wonderful. Hope you are hanging in there allenb even if you do not post often, and this is for all of you out there, you are always in my thoughts.

10 hours ago, ericasmom said:

 But what I realized at around the 5 month mark was, I had to change the vision. I had to go out for my walk and do something other than replay the sequence of what occurred. I had to do this in order to let some light filter into my spirit.

 I visit it only briefly and occasionally now, allowing much more room in my memory for the goodness in Erica's life. And I do think that that is key, at least for me, to change the habit and then just to know and feel that you are taking your Child along everywhere you go. And you are. You will always be the Mom in your Child's smile and heart. Nothing changes that.

Words well worth quoting thanks dee.

Mermaidtears and Colleen thanks for your kind words. My hope is to connect with others in their sorrow and try to offer a little nugget of hope with honesty and compassion. You were indeed lucky to feel brian when he passed. All I felt when I was told was that I knew it was instantly true, there was no doubt that there had been a mistake, and that Tommy had acheived something so great, he helped to save the life of his friend and I was thankful another family had been spared the pain we were going through.

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AllanB.....am beyond sad in the loss of your 16 year old SONshine boy.....16 is such a milestone....a time to be happy...carefree..young. We have a Dad named Wade that comes and posts on this site....I hope he can read your post...and he can reach out to you. He lost his son, Brooks, and is still in deep grief. Tell us more about your boy....we do not have any answers....but we do have a lot of understanding and care.

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Allenb- I cry every time I read the poem. Today seems a day for me to cry. At least I work at a cubicle that no one has to see me 

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Tinay I'm sorry. I didn't mean to seem pushy about you going back to work already.  I just think that is unfair to you.  I got six months off.  But then a couple years later fell into a deep depression again so after 29 years i got fired. Just a new young boss and had not one bit of sympathy that I had lost a child.  I think everyone I worked with thought I should be long over it and just thought I was a big screw up and got fired.  Two weeks after I got fired a union got voted in so this wouldn't happen to anyone else. I should have fought them on it but was too.upset.  After 29 years u just get escorted to the door with no card, gift, thanks for all your years of service just nothing.  Im glad your bosses are being good to you. And your poem is beautiful. It really speaks to the pain all of us feel.  

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Lou Ann- I didn't take it as you being pushy. Thank you about the poem. I need to post who wrote it. I forgot that when I posted it. Sorry if that made it seem like I did

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Tinay, no problem. I just wish I could do something to help you.  I know what you feel like losing a vibrant, beautiful young daughter who had their whole world ahead of them.  I guess we grieving parents just need to hold onto one another. 

Tommys mum, Ericas mom, Mermaid tears.  Thank you all for your wise and comforting words. Even though I don't have any hobbies, I just embrace and try to enjoy the small victories  in life, hugging the cat (the last picture I have of Kira is holding that cat, she just loved her), talking to my son every night and telling him how much he is loved, texting my other son when he is not busy with his university classes and letting him know he is loved, talking to my sister in British Columbia (the only sibling who will still support me), knowing I have weeded almost all the dandelions in my front yard, and of course chatting with all of you. I am content to live a quiet life with a few small pleasures here and there.  I don't need anything big, wonderful or happy.  Thanks for reminding me she is happy and free and i will get to scoop her up in my arms again someday. You talk about those signs that pop up every once in awhile to let us know they are there.  I was laying on the couch(I'm doing more but I still really need to prod myself to go) and I asked Kira to help me get off the couch and do some vacuuming and there outside my patio door were two big puffy doves staring in at me.  I have never seen any doves around here before.  They strutted around for a short time then took off.  I got up and starting cleaning.  I am a lousy Gardner, I wish you guys lived close enough you could come over and help Me, but anyways am going to plant purple flowers in my garden this year for Kira. I too have had to let loose of that terrible day when I pulled her out of the tub, with the police tape all around the house, standing there in total shock as the fire men pulled away and began our drive to the hospital with the four of us not uttering one word all the way in.  Oh I can't believe I just went there.  I try to not think of it as much any more, but you are right it is right there in my heart.  You are so lucky you got that last talk with your daughter.  I can't remember anything that I last said to Kira. She was watching a movie and then went to bed.  When people say to me "But what would Kira want for you",  all I can think of is she is going to say "mom why didn't you get upstairs sooner and save me".  Well I'm starting to cry have to go. Thanks everyone. 

  

 

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Oh Louann no, no, she would have said "Thanks for being my Mom. I love you but I have to go now see you later and be ok." She had no choice it was a freak thing that happened to her and neither you nor she could have prevented it. I am also encouraged by your recent words and actions. make sure you post photos of those purple flowers ok? Doves are a sign of peace and love and that is what your sweet girl was saying to you. Be at peace, forgive yourself you did nothing wrong ok? I had not spoken to my Tommy in a while, he was never good at keeping in touch. Because of his former addiction  and past behaviours,he was ashamed and preferred to keep in touch by private message. i know he also missed us desperately and was a bit scared he would break down a little by hearing our voices. i had to be satisfied with his choice of communication infrequent as it was. I finally persuaded him to skype me because I longed to hear his voice and see him again. We had not seen him for 4 years because we were in the UK and he was in Hawaii. Not enough money for flights. I had one joyous skype call with him it was incredible. His brother and one of his sisters happened to be home and were able to speak to him too. It went so well i arranged for another skype call in 2 weeks time and i was so happy to think we could communicate in real time and see each other as if we were in the same room. sadly that day he needed to leave a bit earlier to drive his friend to college and although i called him a bit earlier than arranged we were not able to speak. I guess he thought he could just call the next day and we could chat. That night he was killed and so I never got that skype call..... Breaks my heart but that is just the way it is. I still post on his wall on FB and when I see I have a message for a split second I still hope it will be my Tommy. It will be ok. We all have broken hearts but we will get through somehow and make our kids proud.DSCN1503.JPG.bcdcdfdbf2584e1d148299dab2bb4f8f.JPG

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I don't know if this is bad or not. I keep looking at my daughter's picture saying she's dead, she's gone. Sometimes I cry but sometimes I just go into something else. I talked to the law firm today. They want the pictures and video recordings and the court transcripts before making a decision. I think those will help them say yes. Now just waiting on CD from states attorney of pics and such, just have to resist urgent to look and watch. I was looking at going back to school for forensic crime scene investigation before she passed so that's where the curiosity comes in. I know I will regret it if I do though. Pray to God I don't make the make and look. 

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Tinay, telling yourself that your Girl is dead, that she has died, is one way for you to absorb the truth of it all...not that you think it was all a story somehow made up, but it is a fantasy of all of ours in those early months that none of it is real. So you are entering a phase that affords you the reality of it all. Not that it is pretty, but you are preparing for what the pictures and CD will show. Half of us would look at the evidence, and another half of us wouldn't...totally up to you and either way, you will find a way to go forward. You will.

Lesley, what a handsome Man your Boy is. That beautiful hair, so vibrant in color. When did your Tommy move to Hawaii? I am glad that you had that skype time when you did. That is the little bit of gold that you will make more room for in your little heart-nest of grief and goodness.

Louann, I also think that your Girl, your Kira would say, Hey Mom, nobody loves me more, and nobody loves you the way I do. Thank you for all you do for us, for me. I am lucky to have had that call with Erica, and two days before she was struck, she surprised me with a visit with two of her Michigan friends...it was a special time for sure, and that was the golden thread for us in it all, there were many tiny pieces of gold in those weeks prior to her death. And many since too, but different of course. Like Colleen, who felt her Brian's spirit pass through her body...about a month after Erica died, I was taking one of my many walks and I was int he forest preserve. I was walking near the slough and suddenly felt something on my head, I looked up it felt as though something was poring into my head and when i looked up to see what it was...there was nothing but I stood still for it and it was a warm and tingling feeling entering my skull from the top and it warmed and tingeled all the way to my feet. I knew then in that moment it was the peace Erica was feeling and sharing with me so that I needn't worry about her. She was clearly feeling a beautiful and amazing peace. Since then, I know she is quite near when I get that same warm tingle in my scalp and sit smiling as it travels my body to my toes. I know that on those occasions she is right here in the room with me...

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Came home to flowers for mother's day from a girlfriend of mine. They are sitting in a vase from my daughter's funeral on her vanity. Our kids grew up together. I can't stop crying

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Tinay...what a blessing this is from your friend...

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I hate that all of us are on this web site.  Seems not the be fair that our children pass before we do.. My Son passed 31 day after my Dad passed, Yes I was very sad at my dad's passing, but he was 81 years old, and that's the normal way of going thru our life's journey. But when  child that is " 16 is such a milestone....a time to be happy...carefree..young" man, that was so loved, liked and caring, leaves us in such an abrupt way, my heart is FOREVER broken. I do have a daughter that will be 21 next week, but this has truly broken all of us, (me, wife, daughter). We have each other. But a part of all of us is no longer there.   Yes the poem was so beautiful Tinay, I do think it fits well to a lot of our children.

15 weeks tomorrow since....    Life is so unfair :-(

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i think thats what gets us all our parents pass but it is no were near as painful as our children our parents got to live a full life were as our children did not. i seem to find my self mothering childrenthat aint mine 

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dee thank you. Yes my Tommy was very handsome. i have never posted his photo here before as I am v computer ignorant. After many attempts I have figured out how to do the quotes thing but never photos. Somehow I did it with one photo and whenever I look in my cache for something to post he pops up. It makes me smile and cry a little at the same time. It is like he is saying "It's great you are on this site Mum and trying to heal yourself. I am ok and happy here and always with you."

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Lesley.....I ditto what Dee said....what a handsome son.....always was...always will be....

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We all agree with you Allen....it isn't fair....and none of us had a choice in this. This kind of grief is very dark and heavy....grief is so exhausting. I felt as if someone handed me a 40 lb.bowling ball and said I would have to carry it when I ate, slept, walked, talked....forever. It is still heavy but one learns how to carry the grief...in other words...cope with the grief. I know how you and your family are shattered....just bend into the grief. Don't fight it...you don't get over it...you can only go through it. You can't jump over it...walk around it...and in going through it...just take it one day at a time. Cry..weep and wail. Hang on and wrap your arms around your family and grieve together.

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Tommy mom.  What a handsome lad and a wonderful smile. I'm so glad you got that Skype time with him..i haven't figured out how to post pictures but will see if my son can help me.

Tinay  what a nice friend you have.  The flowers and your daughter both lovely.  Sounds like things are really starting to sink in. Ericas mom is right in the early months you  have this idea that it can't be real.  You have so many decisions to make about the legal aspects. I wish you luck in pursuing justice for your daughter. Please look after yourself. 

Ericas mom and colleen. That just gives me shivers hearing the stories of your children passing thru you. How comforting to feel thier presence. 

Allenb and Darcy 12 I don't understand the unfairness of it either. My daughter was only 17 and when I think all the goodness she would have done in this world and how much she had to enjoy.  And yet at 56, I sit here like a useless piece of crap.  I would do anything to trade places with her.  Oh God, how life isn't fair at all.  And yes hearts are forever broken.

Mermaid tears. You r so right that you have to go thru it. I ran from it as fast and far as I could, i also was over medicated where you still don't have to deal with It, but in the end it all catches up with you.  

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Thank you Lou Ann. I sometimes don't want it to sink in that this is real. My son and I talked yesterday. I told him about crying at shows I'm watching. That I've had to step away. He says he has had to do the same. I told him I go and concentrate on other things so I don't have that gut wrenching cry while he is around. It's not just tears that flow. He woke to that cry when the cops were at my apartment telling me the news and heard it again at her funeral. I don't want to put him through anymore of those moments. The last time I cried like that I jumped in the shower to stifle it as much as I could, I knew he was coming home from work and I couldn't stop it from happening. Luckily it passed before he got home. 

I don't see or feel her around anymore. The signs I got were before we got her back from cremation. I know she is with me. I just liked the signs. I know her body was just a temple. The necklace is where I hold her dear to me everyday. Her favorite color was royal blue and favorite flower was daisies. 

I read a news article about a man who killed his 7 week old baby just recently. He lives 30 hour from my town. I started crying, cannot fathom what was going through his head. Mother isn't in the picture but I still don't get it. So sad. 

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