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momofJustin

Loss of an Adult Child

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A teary day today. Sometimes that is the way it goes, Nothing in particular happened to spark it off, just that deep heavy feeling in your heart.

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That desperation of wanting to feel his hug and hear his laugh, to see his face and be with him.I call my other kids every week and we whatsapp pictures sometimes and I see them every 2 months when they come back to visit from college/job in other cities which is lovely but never enough. But I long for that call to be from Tommy to hear his voice and it cannot ever be again and it rips my soul to pieces. 

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Tommys mom. So sorry you are having a down day. Sometimes they feel so close its like you could reach out and touch them.  I have two other wonderful children, but I know what you mean it's just never enough.  There's always an empty place and a hole in your heart. I know how sometimes there are triggers and other times it is just that yearning for them so much.  Something we want so bad but can never have.  Your kind words have helped me so much in the short time I've been here. I wish I could do something to help you. Please know I am thinking of you and sending hugs. I have those days too so like your posts says "me too". 

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Wade-----So good to see your post.  I, so, agree that we are not the people

we used to be after the tragic loss of our children.  Thanks for posting the

lovely poem "Angel in Disguise" which you found in your dear son, Brooks,'

notebook. It would be a beautiful song too.  I'm sorry that you are struggling.

I guess that we must get used to the 'yoke' of pain after losing our children,

and only pray that somehow theload will lighten some.  We will never forget

our dear children,.....and as long as we remember,.... they live in our hearts & souls.

Peace to you, friend.

Dee-----Your post was timely, and comes from the heart. It says what I would

have liked to put into words, but could not.  Thanks.

 

Kate------Well, the computer is back online.  You will never guess what the

reason is........there is a culprit causing the problem, says the phone company.

It is the lowly, common field mouse......he/she  keeps chewing through lines in

the quest to build a nest....then we are disconnected from the internet.

 It has happened before.  It is fixed for awhile, and then

Mr. Mouse (or Ms. Mouse ) get busy again, and off we go.  :(  Hope they

lay off for awhile. :o

 

Georgina-----Hoping you are doing ok.  We miss you.

 

Tommysmum-----I, so, relate to that deep, heavy feeling that dwells in the heart....

causing the tears to fall.  Thank you for your post of such heartfelt, and true words.

 

Colleen------good to see your post, friend.  Are you doing a lot of birdwatching lately? :)

 

PEACE   AND   TRANQUILITY  TO  ALL   INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry

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I'm 37 days into the loss of my 19 year old daughter. Anything is a trigger for my tears. I've had about 3 nightmares. I don't remember them but have woke up crying and hyperventilating in one, crying in one and just a bad dream feeling. I walk around with that sad look in my face. The other 3 individuals involved in her death we're sentenced last Tuesday. Some people think light sentences, others think too much. I know what my new journey is in life, it's just getting things in action. I'm also debating a wrongful death suit on two of them. It's not about the money, it's about accountability and education. 

My mind has stopped going from one thing to another in quick succession. Thoughts linger longer. I heard from the eye and tissue bank the other day. My daughter's cornea's went to Honduras and Egypt. I had to leave work after that phone call. I want to listen to the songs from her funeral but don't because of my son. I don't want him to see me in that much pain. 

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Tommys mum.. I am so sorry you are having a bad day.. I understand that pain..and my heart is with you right now..

 

 

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AmyAnne, I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet girl, but am thankful that you found this site.   You and I have alot in common.   My Sarah died March 12th 2012.  Her little girls were 3 and 5 at the time.   It has been 5 years and I agree that the pain does not get better and it does not go away, but we go on and do what we have to do and learn how to live with the grief as part of us, because we have to.  We are forever changed and have those days when the pain at times is as painful as the day they died.    For the first year we lived with my son in law and helped with the girls .   After a year we moved to an apartment but have kept close contact with our little ladies.    We know we are very blessed to have our grandaughters don't we?  But there comes a bittersweet with the blessings.   The girls are 8 and 10 now and are such beautiful people.  They are both so much like their mama in looks, mannerisms and ect and bring to mind long forgotten memories which cause happiness, joy and sometimes pain.  They both remember thier mama and talk about her every single day.   It amazes me how much they remember from such a short time with her.   She poured her heart and soul into her girls and it has remained so strong.   They love to hear stories about mama and to be told that they are just like she was.   But the bittersweet moments come often too.   Watching them find their way through every single monumental moment in their lives without her.   School programs where mama's are everywhere and taking pictures and loving on their friends, and their mama is not there.  Every holiday, Wanting her when they are sick or when they are sad.    As much as we hold them and love them we know it is not nearly enough.  But they know we love them.   We do have to stay strong for them, but I don't feel as if it is wrong for them to see us cry, and to let them into our hurt at times.   I think it gives them permission to cry, grieve and be able to talk about thier feelings and loss.    AmyAnne, I dont think we are one bit weak as we work to help raise these precious girls and you have the full responsibility for yours. It takes great strength and love to get through each day one day at a time.   It is ok for us to grieve in the middle of it all.   I mess up alot going through this unwanted journey for sure.   Just tonight I missed being able to go a play that my oldest grandaughter was in because my husband refused to go .   I became really angry with him and was frustrated and hurt because I knew it meant so much to Maddie for us to be there.    I couldn't let him know how upset I was as he has dementia and is not able to process why I was upset and I couldn't leave him alone.  How awful is that, to get so upset with someone with dementia??????    But it happens,  and I hate it when it does.    But we are human and have feelings and reach our limits sometimes.  I am definitly not going to make wife of the year for sure.        You are doing great and I know that your little grandaughters are so blessed to have you.   Keep coming to this site and share your heart.    The people here "get it" and are invaluable.     Have a restful evening..

Sandy

 

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 Amy Anne....this is the parent I was telling you about in an earlier posting...Sandy...lost her daughter...and has these amazing granddaughters...so much like your story.....we find that many parents walk in the same shoes....we are not alone....and we can come together and share and care....

 

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AMEN to Sandy's words and Susan's affirmations. Amyanne, kids learn that it is okay to grieve through our grief. And Sandy, I disagree with you...you are Wife and Grammy and Mom of the Year, you carry so much on those shoulders and in that heart. What disappointment you must have felt to not be able to go, and none of us know or can comprehend the position you are in when in this kind of middle. You are one stronger than you wish you had to be, lady. Lady.

Susan I have been super crazy busy at work, this time of year is nuts...so many projects and events and so I never responded to your words the other day. I am sorry that you too know the increased anxiety. It is hard to find ones balance when anxiety starts to live inside of us. Hang on to the positives as much as possible. Think of your wonderful Essie's words, she's pulled us all through some of our hardest times. Wise words.

Sherry, glad that my words made sense to your heart. Are the crops going in this weekend?

Tinay, oh my goodness I am so sorry that you have found yourself here. I lost my girl nearly 14 years ago and she too was 19. My girl would be 33 now. Hard to believe that we can get 13 years down the road from the loss of our Baby, but we do. Right now, time must seem as abstract to you as it did/does to most folks newer on the journey. One moment at a time for you Dear. Take time to grieve and know that we are here for you, drink plenty of water so that your tears don't dehydrate you. My Daughter's corneas also were given to two folks the day after she died, but both in Michigan where she died. Tell us more about your Girl when you feel you can. you are in good company.

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The first time I came to this site I really had a nervous breakdown from losing my son. I actually laid in the same spot for several months too paralyzed to move. This is my second son loss. Especially early on, I would just wait by my computer to watch the posts roll in. For me, almost 3 years went by before the 24 hour mind insanity lifted. I do still have certain days/hours were I can go back to that state. The rebound is perhaps a bit quicker.

For me, part of processing of what happened to me and Jesse carried a great spiritual element. As many of the earlier members on this site know, I had many signs and premonitions before my son transitioned. Things that were outside of my world paradigm then but since my research into Afterlife science, I have found many others (parents) have had those supernatural experiences. 

Here are a few of my top books:

Waiting on Heaven: A Mother and Daughter's Remarkable Shared Death Experience
 Victoria Acree
Sugar Cookies and a Nightmare 
Carol Kearns
Soul Shift: Finding Where the Dead Go
 Mark Ireland
 
All of the above books, I have personally corresponded with the authors. They have all confirmed to me that what they wrote about their children's transitions -- the supernatural events that can precede and continue on after one's transition are true. 
The last book I should mention is by Shirley Enebrad whom I also corresponded with. Here is a video that Shirley posted.
 
 

 

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Tinay.  I am sorry you are going thru so much pain. To suffer the loss of your daughter and then the legal aspects too you must be so exhausted.  Is it too early for therap and medications. ? I hope you have lots of friends and family gathered around you. . It is so new and raw for you. Please keep coming back here and let everyone help you. These are wonderful people.  It sounds like you have a plan of action your looking at.  Good for you.    Hugs and take care. 

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Laurie, once again, you provide us a great video and resource. Thank you so much. She is so uplifting.

Lesley, sometimes we have to sink low for a bit and in that time, we find ways to rise up again. Our bodies/minds/spirits, have to give in to the grief in this way I believe, to be immersed for a time...I feel we often find nuggets of knowledge in those sunken days. You will find your way back to ground level.

 

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We are changed by the birth of our Children and of course by their death. We are changed, and so we find in our new selves what we can salvage of our spirit and what we can add anew. It is a long process, but all things that are worthy of our time are good endeavors.

 

Mining for treasures

A sleepless night,

I become a miner for sleep, searching for the right spot,

the right position, the right dream,

but keep coming up empty

so I decide to get up and try to string my words together

like semi-precious stones;

 

Citrine and green amber,

jade and carnelian,

capturing the absolute essence of the moments that created their color

their luster.

Circumstance under the earth-

metamorphic mysteries changing one thing into another through heat and pressure.

Heat and pressure, like grief and joy-

that which causes humans to morph,

 

 

those moments that caused us to change from one person into another.

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Rainie, forgive me for jumping in but I just wanted to tell you that YES you do have a way of reaching out and offering comfort to others.After losing your two boys you offer consoling words to so many others even though your heart is in a million pieces.  Someday, in some way ,I hope that those of us with a disability--all disabilities--- are taken seriously and given ,if not help, at least understanding of those limitations.  My disability is from my damaged joints---my ankles look like someone took a hammer to them-- and my hands.  I can "function" but it takes effort and gritting through the pain. People with all types of disabilities face barriers of all types, not just physical. Glad that you came on this forum. That picture you and Laurie both posted. .. I have that as my computer background. Some one took it and added "God grant me peace for my heart is so broken." It has been on my computer ever since.

Lesley, I know those "out of the blue" kind of days--or weeks--I am facing one and have been since Apr 16th.  The date hit me that in one month it would be Michael's birthday and it has stirred a lot up for me.  I was in Wyoming and while I LOVE seeing my daughter and granddaughter it is not a good place for me.  We'll hang on but need to remember that you cannot erase an emotional memory. We just have to figure how to handle it when those memories surface.  We will.  That is why we have each other in this group.

Tinay, I am sorry for your loss. When a child dies our world is shattered and we are brought to our knees. Violent loss is incomprehensible. You have come to a place where those of us unfortunately know the pain of losing a child all to well and in this place we have bonded together to share, and support each other with this loss. Your world has been violently shaken and all that you know seems to have fallen out from under you.  You have come to a good place.  Right now don't think of how you will get through the rest of your life.  You need to think about the next hour, minute... that is all you can handle right now.   Speak of your beautiful daughter,  We are all here for you.

Dee, beautiful as always--thanks for sharing.

 

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THANKX FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART DEE & EVERYONE HERE.  

THIS IS THE ONLY PLACE PEOPLE CAN SHARE ALL THE GOOD BAD AND UGLY AND BE VULNERABLE AND NOT BE KICKED IN THE ❤️ Or made to feel like a crazy person

and Dee ~ I am always a little barsed when I share my own pain But motivates me to know it helps 

people    

Rainie

 

 

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2 hours ago, TearsInHeaven said:

  We'll hang on but need to remember that you cannot erase an emotional memory. We just have to figure how to handle it when those memories surface.  We will.  That is why we have each other in this group.

Thanks for everyone's kind wishes, it helps to feel less alone when you crumble a bit.

 

 

 

Rainie you do have a way with words even though you have told us you have dyslexia and other disabilities, your words ring true. I hope you find your kind of people in the group. We will still be here for you. That photo made me cry it is so poignant. Been doing a fair bit of that recently. i have some disabilities too and it is interesting to see how people react. Most people are very kind if they see me struggling and will offer help but the other day a man shouldered past me so hard I fell into a supermarket chilled display, never stopped or apologised.

 

4 hours ago, ericasmom said:

We are changed by the birth of our Children and of course by their death. We are changed, and so we find in our new selves what we can salvage of our spirit and what we can add anew. It is a long process, but all things that are worthy of our time are good endeavors.

True words Dee thanks. I will find my way back to ground level again just feeling more fragile at the moment. Also love your poem.

 

 

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Thanks Lesley, I know that you will find your way to where you feel your strengths again, we really need to be miners I think, allowing ourselves that look deep down at our timelines, our lifelines. Yes, it can cause more tears, but those tears are necessary to our lives too.

Rainie, your life has seen so many hardships, calling them out is not a pity party but an acknowledgement of truth...do we find ourselves in our stories? Yes, we do, we find that we are still working through each day best we can. I hope that the group you found will be a great fit for your needs and please know, that your presence there and here is going to help others too. Yes, your words and thoughts and energy are a boost to other parents. I agree with Dianne, your entries here are allowing others to know you and your Boys. You have a voice here and it is listened to.

Dianne, I know that being in the mountains must have been hard on your physical selves, though I know that being with your Daughter and Grandgirl must have filled you in ways that nothing else can. As Michael's birthday comes closer, hold on...your Sweet Son is holding you too. There is nothing easy about this...sometimes we have to simply allow our sadness and grief. It is a fact of our lives, and some days we can keep it all woven together in the new cape we wear, but other days, the threads need to unravel. Just remember it is not weakness that find us in deep grief, we are the strongest people having lived one day beyond our Child/Children. Hold onto that thought because our Children are rooting for us to find new ways to live well. Our biggest cheerleaders.

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This will always be part of giving & receiving support

and I like the statement here that says

it helps us feel less alone when we crumble a bit :) 

so true ~~

rainie

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I saw this on FB....and I thought of the parents on this site whose child died of overdose....so many parents are walking in your shoes...

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mermaidtears I saw that sad sad story too on FB and the fact you shared it to show support for parents going through the same ordeal is thoughtful. Sometimes kids think they are just smoking weed when in fact it has been laced with something else much stronger just to get kids hooked. It is a sick and evil thing to do, and I hope they catch the dealers and charge them with murder.

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Such a poignant reminder...thanks Susan.

I hope you and Gretchen are both safe after the tornadoes that ripped a path of destruction in Oklahoma and Texas.

Rain and more rain here, we are to have between 2-6 inches by end of today. Goodness knows our yard is a pond. My husband has to keep trying to fix the pump he hooked up a few years ago when the rains started to flood our yard. We are the lowest point on our block, so we get the runoff from everyone else. It is only 48 and rainy and cold.

 

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We are fine in this part of Texas....but Canton, Texas was hit hard with tornadoes...and 5 died. Very sad. See many parts are dealing with heavy snow and heavy rains. It is very cool here.

With this horrific epidemic of drugs...and deadly ones at that...I have also wondered about the drug dealers....there is so much $$$ involved...they won't quit til they are caught..and there will be 10 more to take their place. The war on drugs was lost many years ago....there is now a drug dealer on every corner. Drugs are so lethal and addictive now that a person can take a drug just ONE time...and it can alter the chemicals in their brain...that is how potent the chemistry of the drugs has changed and evolved. I do believe that the stance to bring about more change will have to happen on a committed community level. People will have to band together ...residents...community leaders...school officials...law enforcement...in a town/community to save their little part of the world...and their children.

I have always thought that for the parent of a child in addiction is like watching that child slowly fall over a high cliff....your arms aren't strong enough to catch them...your feet can't run fast enough to reach them.

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i just told my sister that she is living in this kind of hell, each day wondering if Matt will be alive or dead when she returns from work. It is destroying her and he seemingly cannot do a thing about it, has been in rehab three times. so so sad. None of us can have him in our homes as he steals from us all. He is 27 and a ghost of who he was before heroin.

I am saddened for the folks whose lives were affected by the tornadoes but I am glad that you are safe Susan.

 

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Ugh I am so far behind in reading. As I skim thru I see too many new names but want to welcome you here with open arms and hope you all find the same love, comfort and understanding I have found here. Know that we have all been in that deepest pit and loneliest hour and that our love stands with you in that darkness. It is all we can do but I have found that these parents just being there for me has helped me as I screamed and rolled and raged. They listened and cared and that has made a difference and I hope it will for you also.

Laurie I copied your list. Looking for enlightenment always. 

<3<3<3

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A few poems that I wrote many years ago...perhaps they will offer something to those new here.

 

Who have I become?

 

 

I am an empty vessel.

I am a dry riverbed right now, just stones and wisps of once greened plants, dry and forlorn, windblown and forgotten.

I am a place that feels barren and isolated by all that has been lost and while much had been cultivated and grown in that space, in that time, it feels beyond my grasp now.

I can’t see it through the salt-river that runs from me.

 I feel like that hollow stem I spoke of when she first left, the stem of a dahlia, hollow and stiff.

 Tension coursing through me like a white water, and killing everything in its path-caustic river.

I know that I will not always be as I am now, one day I will be green again, with purpose-

filled with life and hope again, and the dust will be swept away by a cleansing breeze of rebirth, of new starts, I will shake free,

but today, yesterday too, perhaps for a bit of time, I am a dry riverbed with nothing to offer.

 

 

The mere notion of you

I am a dry riverbed now,

no water, no life,

no movement-

not always-

but right now,

yes.

 

I’ve used up my resources-

Replenishing has become a slow process.

Might I feel movement in my spirit again?

No time frame available for loss.

Only time.

 

But the mere notion of you,

Does cause a flutter

Does inspire-

Today

 

 

 

 

 

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