momofJustin

Loss of an Adult Child

59,800 posts in this topic

Hoosier guy.   I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. YOU Loved him unconditionally and im sure he knew that. Having to wait for a police investigation must be very draining. But it sounds like u are working very hard to get justice for your son.  I understand your feeling to come home from work and had no support.  Please make sure you pick good people who won't desert you.  I had a lot of support and they just went all back to their lives and left me high and dry.  You r lucky to have found this site as early as you did.  Sounds like u need to look after that pneumonia and your health.  I'm sure you r a hard worker but may need to take some time off and look after yourself.  U have so many weights to carry and losing a child is enough with out all the other things u have going on.  Take care

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Please pray for the Tennessee family that has had a 14 year old boy and his grandmother that fell into a fast flowing Creek in Grand Canyon national Park. They've called off the search today after searching since last Saturday. The mom of the 14 year old is a friend of  my niece. I am just sick thinking of the poor mom of this boy who watched as her son and her mother in law slipped and fell. The mom and her father-in-law had made it across. 

How many times have I wished I could have been with my son when he died, and now I'm thinking that witnessing it and not being  able to do anything about it would be another added layer of grief, and a memory that would haunt you forever.

Thanks Kate and others for the skatepark suggestion, but there is already a skatepark in our town, where Jared often skated. He was not in habit of skating on our rural roadway, and I guess I'll have to wait for heaven to know why he did that night! What we have done was to fight DelDot to reduce our speed limit, which we were finally successful with after two years, and also undertook the Adopt a Highway program on our road, where we pick up trash every quarter and they put a sign at each end of our road with his name and the Adopt a Highway on them. I also made two 4 foot billboards and put them at each end our road to try to discourage speeding. Will try to find those pics to share.

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Becky that is awesome changing speed limits and the signs. Parents can make a difference even while grieving for the benefit of others. It must b strange seeing your sons face every day on a sign but also comforting that he is watching over others safety. When my son was in the papers and on the news and online it was very painful but then that was when it was all new. Then in Jan this year it was repeated after Tommy s inquest and it still felt a bit shocking. Maybe I still spend time pushing stuff down to be able to cope daily. I have done lots of therapy which was v helpful.

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Becky, changing the speed limits and signs are a really helpful way to bring about positive change in safety for those travelling on those roads. Good for you! Awesome pictures of Jared as well! How is your eye doing? Hopefully it is starting to heal nicely.

I am so sorry to hear about the tragic accident and death of your friends. As far as being with our child at the exact time of their death...well, as a parent we all want to be with them to the end. As we all know that is not always the case. It can be very traumatizing to witness their passing. My husband and I are still pushing that night back in our head. My husband still feels him take his last breath as he passed away while doing CPR. It was just horrible. We focus on the wonderful memories that we have of him over his years and try to push that horrible night into the background. You can never really process it properly... and so why try? Just know that Jared is now in a awesome place of peace and love. 

I am beyond proud of the Royals and Lady Gaga for coming forward and openly lifting that veil of secrecy from the stigma that surrounds mental health issues regarding depression. After all, who has not over their life time suffered in some way... but was afraid to speak up for fear of being considered weak, or not quite up to snuff. This can be a time for huge change to take place. Why not now? When could it be a better time? People need to know that there is help out there and they do not need to face ridicule and shame if they do seek it. I hope that this cause that they are pushing will only continue to grow with support from those that will gain the courage when they see they are not alone. Strength comes in numbers after all!

We are enjoying a beautiful sunny day today. I can't wait for that lake to warm up to be able to walk along the shore in my bare feet. Wishing you all a truly peaceful day. Love to All, Kate :)

 

 

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Becky. What a wonderful thing you have done.  I'm sure those signs of your precious Jared turn lots of heads and make people think about their speed.  I too will have to wait til heaven to find out why Kira did not come down for breakfast first before she had her shower like she usually did.  Why that cardiac arrhythmia didnt happen right before or after the shower when we would have had a chance to save her. I agree with jeffs mom and Tommys mom, sometimes I just have to stuff those memories down.  I played that day in my head a million times. Sorry to hear about the Tennessee family.  So sad to think of all the heartbreak they have to endure.  I continue to stay on my couch everyday, always thinking tomorrow i may feel a little bit better, but I never do.  Reading all of your posts give me hope though.  Thanks for sharing.  

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Kate I agree with your comment on the Royals and Lady Gaga lifting away the veil of secrecy over depression an anxiety. The more people know about it hopefully the more educated they will become and more accepting. I hope that those suffering in silence because they are ashamed of not coping will step forward and accept help it will the best thing not just for themself but also for their families. Depression is very often not diagnosed and suicide is a very real problem that can come  along with it. This then causes a rebound effect on the grieving family left behind, they are bewildered and confused and angry and feel guilt that they did not see it coming. Coming forward and getting the help is a massively important positive step forward, it takes courage. The royal family are very human now because of Princess Diana's determination to bring up her boys in the real world and not a world apart as had happened previously. She was instrumental into bringing the Royal family up to date and more approachable, with kindness, love and the compassion for other people. William, Kate and Harry i feel will be wonderful Royals as they had a much better example of a normal loving family unlike their father Charles. Public figures whether they are Royal, pop stars, sport stars, movie stars etc can help enormously using their fame positively to highlight real issues that the public face on an everyday basis. Knowledge is power.

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Lou Ann, my point is that you must not stuff the memories down. We need to find the strength to face them slowly with help... and then using the tools we build... we learn to move forward. I do not push that night away. I have just learned after a long time that I try very hard to focus on more positive  memories. I know that is the way he would want it for us. I love the fact that they are speaking out. I wish they were here to give them a huge HUG! Tommy's Mom...I agree completely. Using your celebrity status to make positive change is a valuable and worthwhile cause. Their mother would be so very proud of them...as am I.

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Becky, I am so sorry for your friends, to have lost their boy that way is just too terrible. We know what they must endure now. To witness that loss is just too sad and too painful. I will keep them in my thoughts and prayers. As for you, I remember when you were able to get that speed changed in your area, and we celebrate that change because you fought long and hard to secure it. How are you feeling?

Kate, glad that it is sunny and warm at your home, today  we are much chillier than it has been, high 40's right now and cloudy Tomorrow, it will be a bit warmer and then Sunday back to the 60's which I adore. Enjoy the springtime delights.

Sherry, you probably won't get this chilly from this weather pattern because you are further south than we are. I hope your flowers are springing up and the birds are busy.

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i know you just have to take friends warts and all sometimes but my best friend ( betsy ) is bringing out the twitching serial killer in me . ( slight exaggeration ) . she agreed to work with me sunday at the farm shuffling some bee equiptment and maybe some road frontage weed eating  but i asked her if shed like to come out and scarf some morel sandwiches this evening and i got silence in return . 

* sigh * 

 freakin russian / californian must have gotten her personal manners from a box of stale crackerjacks way back when they were 15 cents a box . 

 is it any wonder im fiddling with my flip phone trying to figure out how to block incoming calls and / or voicemail from 6 . 5 billion people ? 

is a simple " no thanks , i have other plans " all that damn complicated ? 

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im resorting to the dog pills again . this shoulder and neck tension cant go on -- itll kill me before the barbs and vodka get a chance . ive " balanced for 58 years , i can balance now . im 100 % sure of who blew my son away but this time i have to keep it all inside until the detectives can find what they need . i cant falsely accuse someone and if i make too much flap they wouldnt hesitate to " end " me to shut me up . im in a bad place " alone " .. 

sometimes i feel sorry for that guy living inside my head . he has the fire to his feet but has to comply with society's ( understandable ) constraints .. he has it bad .. 

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xxxx

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Hoosier guy.  So sorry your plans didn't work out tonight. I have given up on all my so called friends except one.  R u watching the hockey play offs. I'm from Canada so of course I'm watching.  Please never feel u r alone.  That's the only thing I have learned for sure is that we r not alone in our suffering.  U should not have to take dog pills.  Please look after your health.  It must be hard waiting for your justice for your son, but I'm sure it will come.  Please be kind to yourself. U r dealing with so much right now.  

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Rainie, I have not met  you yet, that I remember anyhow. There are however, a few days a month that I may not visit and perhaps you have posted and I missed you. I have been here nearly 14 years, my Daughter was killed in Kalamazoo, Michigan when an Amtrak hit her car at a broken crossing. It will be 14 years this July. I see beneath your name that you have lost two children...goodness knows that your heart has been busted up too much. We have several other parents here who have lost two kids over the years. I am truly sorry.

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Bob, alone tonight but not forever. I agree, your friend should have said no, she has other plans, but a lot of folks don't know what to say half the time...No more dog pills. Please go to the doctor to get some help with your pain and your tension. Have you ever had an intensive therapeutic massage...it hurts but it gets to the crux of the issue. Yes, you balance but we get off kilter in grief, your health matters. I would like to think that Little Dude Grandson, will get to know you one day, and it would be nice if you were in good shape and healthy...good for you both.

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Ericasmom

thank you for ur careing words

they mean alot

i know they come from ur heart

RAiNiE

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dee,

i spent 6 months in therapy at the indy va . the mental health department has been turned into a big DEA "  rehab " clinic . people who genuinely need meds are being denied while theyre trying to weed out the fraudulent narcotic seekers . i would be less damaged if id never have walked thru their doors . i dont think the dog pills will hurt me as long as i resist the temptation to lie in the middle of the road and lick my nutz . THAT would ascend to top story on the daily mail in a matter of minutes . 

im going to be ok . this tragedy has brought some people back into my life who i was better off distanced from . i need to arrange a couple of monster boulders at the top of my hill that are ready for a slight nudge to get them rolling . some people need cartoonish " reality " because they dont respond well to verbal hints . 

i didnt really have plans with my friend tonight . i have no romantic interest in her at all , nor her for me . she has worked with me off and on for years and is  indeed a great helper , just a horrible communicator . i fried myself up a big plate of morels anyway . then i went back to chasing my tail in circles around the living room ..

im sorry for everyones losses here . i dont think we even expect to heal . we just have to remain erect for the other people who matter in our lives . i havent figured out how to get alongside of young nick just yet . his mother needs to get thru her head that i go nuts when people stand and lie to my face . my brain kicks that crap out like a bad answer on an IRS form .. lol . " get the proper data compiled and resubmit info at a later session " ..

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there is more calculation going on in my head than there is random - ness , believe it or not . upon my divorce in 2001 , of course the ex received primary custody of 12 yr old jake . jake migrated to where he felt the most loved and wanted and that was at my new place only a couple of miles away . we had fun , worked hard and built ourselves another home . 

its worth noting that jake was back in his mothers " aura " when his life started going in a bad direction . if he hadnt been caregiving for ex ' s dad , he would have likely been back out here and he would have had my spine to deal with . we would have made more sense up on this hill , ill guarantee it ..  i realize that sounds arrogant but its not without basis -- i always could keep jake interested and somewhat grounded . 

 fast forward to young nick .. if my presence in nicks life is a positive thing , itll just happen . it wont require a court ruling , bribery , or bluff . ive learned in my lifetime that the most logical thing usually just falls into place . why wouldnt it ? even tho we cant always see it -- its the most logical thing . it writes itself .. the judge has met us all . i filed nothing , spent nothing , and walked out of the courthouse with unrestricted access to young nick . ex walked straight into a drug screen and found herself deemed unfit to have anything more than supervised visits , and shes the one who spent the attorney money . 

theres a lot to be said for laying back and feeding out the rope for your adversaries to hang themselves with ,. 

 

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Louann I have been through a lot of therapy and still am so when I said I stuff my feelings down I meant occasionally just to postpone them. I am not able to work because of my mental health and a disability so have the time to reflect and sort my head out the next day. keeping feelings hidden is not good for your mental health everyone needs someone to talk to. Wish we had the playoffs here in the UK I miss watching the Philadelphia Flyers, and both my girls played on the school ice hockey team.

Bob just do what you gotta do to keep yourself sane as long as its legal! Dog pills not a great idea, sorry you did not have the help from the VA I think they are overwhelmed with PTSD victims and the number of pain pill addicts due to their war injuries. There never seems enough resources to treat everyone. It is the same here in the UK however at least medical treatments are free thank goodness. If I still lived in PA I would be homeless and broke after all the surgeries I have had. Laying back and letting what will be will be sounds reasonable, some people just hang themselves with their words and actions, and truth will eventually come out.

 

 

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heres where ive been screwing up . this tragedy with jake has brought two family members back into my life in varying degrees . ive been offering comfort to them and expecting a little empathy and comfort  in return . duh .. they both heart and backstabbed me years ago and destroyed everything id ever built . im best off to push them away and forget they ever existed . the son who believed in me and stuck with me is gone and the responsible people will pay -- eventually . ill try not to even mention their relationships to me anymore because both are losers and they wouldnt hesitate to attempt to sue me in civil court for slander or whatever they think they can get by with . nothing has changed and i was deluding myself to think any differently . 

once nick learns that i exist , i believe he'll find his way to me . i know in my heart that ive exposed the killer and his motive . its now up to the detectives to compile the hard evidence and i have all the confidence in the world that they will . 

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Tommy mom. I don't think of that day as often anymore but when I do I try to block it out.  I have been telling that story for 5 1/2 years now to my bereaved moms group and chaplain/therapist and just don't think I can tell it again.  But I just don't know what is wrong with me or what to do anymore. My husband and I both lost our jobs of 30 plus years because we simply could not handle our grief and lost our ability to concentrate. Employers don't care about you or the tragedy u have been thru.  We were both treated very shabily after all those years of work.  We r both a little too.old to find a new job so have had to settle for an early retirement. We have two other children who r out on their own. So we lost our child, our house, our jobs and most family and friends have all disappeared.  We wake up every day with no purpose or goals.just waiting til night time so we can talk to our kids if they r around.  It's almost four months of this continued spiral downward. I came off a pile of pills and am just on an antidepressant and sleeping pill now. I don't know whether to start another Dr or therapist (the last one sucked) and I wasted five years.  I don't know if I just need a good kick in the ass and get up  and start going again. Maybe volunteer at a shelter or something.  I have been down that long dark road where you have been, where you r sure there is only one way out. If I didn't still have my two other children and husband I would be with my daughter right now.  I don't know if I'm being lazy or am still depressed. I hate the city I live in.  Too many memories and I don't go out cause I don't want to see anyone I know. 56 is kinda old to restart your life again, but I have lost all sense of what I am even here for anymore. Maybe I should give up the counselling, just keep taking my two pills, and just keep posting here. You guys r far more help than some Dr who does have a clue what it is like to lose a child. So very let down by friends and family.  Well sorry to ramble, am just at a point that I don't think I can live like this much longer.

 

 

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lou ann ,

 i read somewhere recently that in looking back -- life was a whole lot of hard way to go with just a few fun moments thrown in . i would agree with that . im 58 and dont get enjoyment from many things that used to be important to me . i just have to settle for small pleasures -- like the plate full of morels last night . i have more in the freezer to cut into a batch of homemade bratwursts later in the summer . 

i wouldnt go see another therapist either . what the hell does a 26 yr old ( welfare to work ) college girl know about , actually , ANYTHING ? 

my dreams for the future have been brutally slaughtered , but then , life didnt come with any guarantees . 

be thankful you have a spouse to cling to . im too damm dysfunctional to even have that . i have to live well ( altho heartbroken ) now just to spite my enemies -- both real and percieved ..

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Thanks Hoosier guy.  Beautiful tribute to your son.  My husband has our daughters name tattooed on his arm.  I agree, for some, like you and me, life hasn't been a bed of roses.  But your right there r no guarantees.  I just see these people with their perfect lives, who have never encountered any kind of tragedy and probably never will and wonder why the hardships don't get spread around a bit.  Some of us seem to get it all.  I too get little enjoyment out of life at all anymore and just settle for the small victories. Sounds like u didn't have much luck with therapy like me.  Honestly if they have not lost a child, how can they even have a clue?  I guess neither one of us r too old that we still can't have hope for the future.  I don't know what morels are but glad u enjoyed them. Small pleasures....i guess that's all we got.

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lou ann , 

 people tell me , regarding losing a son to violence -- " i cant imagine " . i tell them " no you cant " ..

however ,  if you talk around and listen to other peoples woes , you might be surprised to learn that everyone has a story . i have construction accomplices who are my age . one lost a young wife to an auto crash , another lost a young wife to an auto crash AND raised two daughters on his own .  another has a son in prison , another just had his son locked up for bodily threatening him .. another had his son fall off of a ladder on the job and die of a heart attack . 

dont get lost in your own misery . there is loss and grief all around us . 

 fyi , morels are central usa wild mushrooms . they are as earthy delicious as a fried bass or crappie , except more filling . 

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Oh Lou Ann

my heart & soul goes out to you

you know. Everything you feel & even the consequences of your loss are PERFECTLY NORMAL

FOR A MOTHER LOSSING HER HEART

How does a mother go on when she's lost her heart?

like u I am on some meds

ive learns the ones that help or the ones that are worth the side effects

ive even or am learning how to talk to my phychiatrist to get the Meds that help for the ones that truly 

help me survive p,a net Earth are ones that he must write a new schrip to get the meds

he is the first professional Dr I've had and he has helped in that he empathizes and I know he cares

we have dialogs about the Meds he WILL RX for me and then doles them out stingily I feel

he is the only human who gave me the permission and affirmation in words

to find my own way and life and get outa the trap of my husbands family who have N VER SUPPORTED ME IN ANY FAMILY WAY EVEN BEFORE I LOST FIRST ONE.   THEN ANOTHER SON

since t have been seeing this Dr I have opened my eyes WIDE open to this family's fake Essex in caring

they only in word and deed care for their own kind.   I am and always be an outsider & invisable

before I lost the two sons who loved me I could put up with.  People please and appear as they wanted me to be

i learn all this how I grew up as a child who survived the horrors like a concentration camp environment is how my sister described it

i am thankful to god that I have not just took the road of bitterness and all the goes with it and one must work thru this

anyway

this site has helped me 

just recently I went thru what I call a dork night of the soul

but one person helped me with her kindness. 

I will always struggel

but  I will always also be victorious over all that would destroy me..

I know you

as I are a woman of great courage from the inside out

othetwise u would not be here.  Even today

courage is not easy.  It is a battel and some fall by the wayside

that I see why these sights are such oasises of life saving care, words of kindness and care and even sometimes

the truth that we need to help one over the hellishness of our losses

well

enought for now.  

I care,,,I have walked in ur shoes 

it's taken a long time for me to find my way thru numerous challenges of mind soul & spirit

forgive me for any and all misspells 

i am inserting

Rocky died  N a moron cycle accident

Ronnie died of suicide 

and my sons as youngsters 

RAiniE

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woops , i forgot the one who lost his son to a drug overdose . im saying i know 10 people in the world and 9 of us have suffered immeasurable losses . 

to keep it in perspective , if we were any of the other thousands of animals we would be skinned and eaten alive at the first misstep . 

im sorry . im not trying to downplay your loss or mine . im just saying , life aint no mf ' ing grimm bros fairy tale , and come to think of it they were pretty brutal too ..

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