momofJustin

Loss of an Adult Child

59,494 posts in this topic

Bob I had a very nasty divorce in 2001 and we still dont speak. I tried many times to get along with my ex for the sake of our kids but he refuses to play ball so I gave up. he is a really nasty man and has caused me lots of stress and anxiety over the years. Even tho he is a total selfish ass I encouraged the kids to see him and they have a pretty good relationship with him because I believe kids need both their parents. As they grow up they see things differently but know who keeps their word and who breaks it. My ex is extremely wealthy but refuses to give the kids a little to help pay for college. However I have also learned that the people who have very little always give more to others than the wealthy who keep it all for themselves. I am glad your son got in touch it is never to late to heal old wounds and family is important. I guess we have to accept that people act differently from ourselves even if they are family. We may share genes and looks but we are all individual and human. Anger is always a front for other emotions, whether it is fear, frustration  or sadness, it is easier to show anger than the other emotions as a defence mechanism a shield to protect our vulnerability.I echo dee when she says Jake can help to bridge the gap and help communication.

At the age of 52 I now have to accept that my badly broken ankle is a permanent disability. The surgeon has said there is nothing more that can be done and I will always limp and have pain. So I need to find alternative joys now that sports, dancing, long walks etc are off the table. I never got to parachute out of a plane either! Life is about accepting limitations and facing upto hard things and try to find joy in simpler things. i dont want to become bitter about my disability but it is very frustrating because it is so limiting. Employment opportunities are also affected so my future is pretty uncertain. Well we have all faced the worst thing that life can throw at us, the loss of a child, so I try to tell myself that having come through that I can survive anything. Some days that is easier to believe than others I still get bad days, doubtful and anxious times etc but I do believe that we all will come through this stronger in mind body and spirit because we still have things to acheive in this world.

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leslie,

 again , love your quote . " life is about accepting limitations " . 

im not " maturities " poster boy but ive always loved this poster that i printed off years ago . 

" the self esteem of maturity is neither grandiose nor omnipotent is  but accompanied by an awareness  of our own human limitations and frailties " . 

 i almost have to kneecap my detective to get anything out of him ( understandably so ) . however ive always thought that his plans to lock up a bunch of people who he feels were in the know about jakes murder , was just him trying to placate me . NOPE .. 

he told me today that hes got half of our jail full of people who are guaranteed to talk when theyve had all the block walls that they can stand . ive been reading a lot about police interviews and interrogations . once they get their hands on you you dont have a chance . its all phsycological and has 300 years of experience behind it . they may speed up and at other times slow down your wall clock . might plant a detective right in your cell posing as an inmate . definately allowed to deceive you about what they know . 

at present i think that young nicks parents arent as suspect as the broke , cracked out neighbors and their visitors who , it has been proven are no strangers to armed robbing individuals for money or drugs . 

i hope his ends in a jury trial . mitigating factors in this county would only make the jury madder . 

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and leslie,

 if you learn to hate your ex on a " molecular " level it becomes so much simpler . you no longer have to ruminate each time about the various reasons you despise them . its just .that . particular . configuration . of cells .. 

lol

i sent our detective a particularily horrible , vile joke a few days ago . it aint one youd tell to your bible study group , ill put it that way . you never know how it will be received but in this case he said it was the funniest final punch line hes heard in many years . if anybody wants to hear the horrid joke just PM me . its pretty dam funny and sometimes i feel like a little humor is the only thing keeping me alive right now . 

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Bob, I hope that the detective is right, that when the walls feel they are closing in, someone speaks up. Tells the truth. Fingers crossed.

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dee,

24 hours in jail can seem like a lifetime . these young mugs in question are probably there on probation violations . you do not bail out from that . its one of the rare circumstances where you can be held almost indefinately . the unanswered replies  to your desperate inquiries are a tactic only meant to further disorient a person . theres even piped in 'white ' noise to tamper with your mood cycles . 

american justice is fascinating to say the least . ive been on probation before . if you work hard and pay your user fees you seemingly cant do any wrong . if you come to a probation meeting with a hard luck story instead of money , youre priorities blow and youre in for a long hard way to go . your punishment is financial and that makes much more sense than letting a person rot in jail , further alienating themselves from the workforce . 

ive been on probation twice in the last 5 years for relatively minor dumbassedness . i actually developed good relations with the officers and would joke with them that dollar per dollar probation is cheaper than therapy so lets do this sht  . lol 

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well another difficult and sad day . im thankful for the distraction of work each day . i have to put one foot in front of the other and try to placate these sad and angry walls in the house jake and i built . i guess this weekend ill can up a bunch of beef . if canned properly it can last for years in the jars . maybe some day nick and i can connect over the delicious beef and its back story . itll be a story of incredible loss but one of getting back up and making something constructive out of the debris . 

maybe we can offer beef and noodles to my sons killer just before they stick a needle in his arm . maybe these walls are getting all of this " angry " from me . 

oh well . the mind wanders . 

i do realize now that jake would want nick under my arm . 

my close cousin killed himself at the age of 34 . i was 33 at the time . cuz was a male hor and theres no watering that down . about ten years after cuz killed himself , jake and i were sitting in a docs office across from a woman who i knew cuz had had a fling with just before his death . sitting beside her was a ten year old version of my cousin . his dark eyes were blazing holes thru jake and i . hed evidently been enlightened by his mother as to who we were . my thoughts were of the nutcase preachers from my childhood who would go on for hours about how " ye must be BORNED agin ' . sorry , but thats how the trogs pronounced it . lol

i sat looking at my cuz in his ten year old form and wondered " could that questionable  scripture have just been implying that you may indeed simply be BORN AGAIN ? ( as in genetically reincarnated ) . 

nobody ever promised me anything . nicks all ive got and id be an ungrateful fool not to be thankful for that and to boldly step up to the task of helping to guide him . my biggest problem is , on one shoulder i have a little demon giving me horrible advice . on the other shoulder is another demon strongly reiterating what the first one said . so theres balance but not in a cut and dried good vs evil way . were going to do something stupid but just how stupid will come after much deliberation between nick and i . 

eh , just funnin you people . its what i do when i get bored or the level of blood in my vodka stream gets too low . 

 

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its obvious that im not going to get much of a rise out of you people so lets try this ;

do you know what you call an athiest in a casket ? 

a MF all dressed up with nowhere to go , thats what . 

 

 

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Bob, I am betting that Jake would want you to be a part of Nick's life just as it was the two of you together. I read something the other day--it said "Accept no one's definition of your life, but define yourself. I will never apologize for being me and if you think differently, you should apologize for asking me to be anyone else." That seems to be good words and reminded me of you .

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Bob, your anger is real, its okay, it won't scare us away. Anger is part of it all. I get the double demons on your shoulders, after a life filled with 'stuff', we get demons. I have had my share. I am sorry that your cuz had such a hard time of things, and that he left a child that would never get to know him well. For some, life is far too hard. My Sis is going through a terrible time, her youngest child of seven, is an addict. Heroin/opioids/anything he gets his hands on. The old saying: A mom is only as happy as her saddest child, holds true in my Sister's life. She has 6 other kids and a myriad of grandchildren and even a great grandchild, but her depression is killing her...or she might kill herself from being so depressed. It is heartbreaking. I have had the busiest time at school, and now I must try to get all the report cards done and edited before Friday when they go home. I hate report cards.

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Bob I hear your anger and also pain in the "take me as you find me" statements, and the raw jokes masquerading as a fence to push people away because they are offensive to some people. Dee said it so well "it won't scare us away". You have every right to be furious and betrayed and hurt and scared and helpless because you know that taking revenge will result in a bad ending although it would be worth it to feel that sweet personal justice in your own hands. I am sure you are not alone there. As parents we would defend our kids to the hilt and I believe I could kill anyone who hurt my kids. That is scary because I am a very peace loving person and do not believe in violence. As for my ex believe me I did therapy years ago because I did not want to be a damaged soul or a victim. I dont spare a thought for him, he has his life I have mine. It is only when he upsets my kids with favourtism or unkind words or actions that I feel the anger and hate because HE does not deserve them and I feel partly responsible because I chose him. However they all need to make the best relationship they can with their father, stepmum and stepsister and it only makes me mad for a brief time. Then I shrug my shoulders and say to myself the kids are all adults they can figure it out, not my problem. I will be there as a soft place to fall a listening ear and an open home for them whenever. On the plane over to the USA I watched a little bit of the Frozen movie because I was bored and had watched the movies that interested me already. I plan to watch the whole thing tonight because it had a message for me. The message was LET IT GO. I loved the part where the princess runs away into the wilderness and totally frees herself letting her internal special powers go wild and revelling in that freedom after holding it all inside herself for so long. I imagine in the end she will learn to harness the power whilst being true to herself but I will have to watch the movie for the rest of the story, That gave me a powerful visual image of standing alone and freeing myself of negativity in any given frustrating situation by letting go of those emotions be it anger or sorrow or anything else to gain inner peace. That is simply it LET IT GO. Simple freeing peace. Strange that I found something so obvious in a kids movie but I believe there are always messages or lessons to be learned in life you just have to be open enough to receive them.

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Struggling day by day for 7 weeks now.....couldn't really write anything in here, most of time I'm too excausted, but keep reading  in here almost everyday. I still think there is no life for me anymore, on some days the hard crying stopped, but still don't feel any better. Yesterday as my mom's 80 th birthday, she has Demenz ,so some things she keeps forgetting.....My sister picked my mom up yesterday, she made a cake, had coffee, my nice, her husband and their 2 kids went there. Also my daughter, her boyfriend and my husband went there to see her. I couldn't go, it's too hard for me to see them going on with life and can't handle my mom asking me if she went to the funeral or who died and so on....At home I kept thinking about that Steven (my son who died) would have loved to go there. He loved it , when the whole family was together. And he always played my mom, till we all were laughing and hugged her and kissed her. So he was supposed to be there.

On this page there is a lot of anger written down and I can so relate to that . I keep thinking killing this woman , who had the methadone out in a juice bottle so everybody can get it , with all them teenager there. I'm so mad at so many people right now, even I never was a angry or violent person. Not at all. Wish the police be done with there investigation, but I guess it still takes some time. This gone be a long year.

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Today is 3 months since my son's death. What a difficult time I am having. I thought that I would be getting better with time, but not at all, the pain and sandness is gutwrenching. When will I start to feel better, when will I cry less? I guess no one knows. Its different for everyone. I feel worst now than I did a month ago. Maybe the realitythat I will never again see my son is starting to sink in. I am returning to work next week and dreading this. Not sure how I will go about my days without crying. Maybe work will be a good distraction... I'm wondering how long after their childs death have others returned to work? 

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Silky, I am not a therapist or a psychologist, just a bereaved mother like you. At 7 weeks, I was lucky I remembered who I was....the pain and sadness gets overwhelming. At about this time all of the "responsibilities' were taken care of and most everyone has returned to their lives except your life was just turned upside down and shaken until your brain rattled. I understand how a birthday celebration would have been so hard at this point, I, too, could not have done that.  I am sure your husband went for you---not that his grief is less---but I am sure he wanted to take care of you and honor your mom because that is what a kind, compassionate husband would probably do. I once came across a quote that I keep on my desk that says," The loss of a child is a forever sadness. No joy will ever be felt without an "if only...".  I think that is true.  Every moment to feel ---and I don't really think that is just "joyful" moments--- will always hear that voice in the background of your mind saying "if only". As for anger-- well--- just my opinion here-- but anger is a part of grief, I think we have all read that everywhere but under the anger lies the pain. Grief is messy and unpredictable and for some it can be loud. We all ask "why?"   We try to make sense of a state that defies sense-- the death of our child--- no reason is good enough.. You love them and you want them back even though that cannot happen.  Frustration, anger, it can get very loud and overbearing but, within our human boundaries, sometimes you need to get it out. Dann, I can still very definitely agree with you that this pain and sadness is gutwrenching.   At 2.5 years tears still come forth more often than not.  I think of my loss and my sadness probably daily.  But what I have seen in this sadness is a somewhat glimmer of that word hope.  Hope that my family can learn to adjust to what we have and learn to manage what we have lost.  I  know we have a long way to go but if "better" is not the right target, we are working towards the ability to manage and adjust. Going back to work is a step that will take you forward but will also have you maybe making a few steps back.  That is the journey we are on now.  Know that we are all on the sidelines cheering for you when you can take that step but hugging you when the step goes backward. 

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Silky, 

Anger and rage are feelings I get quite frequently, alongside the sadness.  For me too, no one has been punished for causing the death of my son yet and it angers me so much I am nearly blind with rage at times.  I just want someone to do something about the fact that my beloved son wasn't there on my birthday, did not get to spend Christmas with us... doesn't get to text and call when he just needs to talk. Some days I just want to scream. Some days I want to do much much worse... But I try to be patient, and I find that the tears of rage burn hot trails down my cheeks that would melt steel. It's so frustrating waiting, and feeling hopeless that anyone will pay for what they have done.

The court dates are the worst days for me. I have to sit there trying not to stare at the murderer who took my son from me, while he lies and his mother gets to reach over the bench and comfort him. While they lie. While they try to pass blame. Sometimes I tremble with anger and I'm so exhausted that night that the next day I don't leave my bedroom.

Everyone talks about the sadness, and the sorrow is soul crushing.  But when your child, the one you pour all of your heart and soul into guiding and lifting up, is taken by someone elses hand... rage is the feeling I sympathize with the most. That's the feeling I get most often and the one that is the most tiring to hide. It's okay to feel that way, it's totally justified and understandable. I am sorry that we have to go through it and I wish that I could tell you that the anger subsides... I'm not there yet. I might not be until the trial is over, and maybe not even then. Maybe not ever.

*hugs*

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Lesley, I agree, there are messages all around us in which we find some priceless nugget to help us rebuild our lives. We find remnants of our former lives, like those whose houses are destroyed from a flood or tornado, a hurricane, picking up the pieces of a photo here, a document there, a memory found and kept close to our hearts...we rebuild. Knocked on our asses, but somehow, we get back up and start anew. I have many times found messages in movies and songs. The simplest things hold some of the deepest most profound information. I hope that you enjoy the movie.

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So odd, I just hit the send button on the message just posted, however I sent it last night, it did not attach and it was not here this morning, but what I wrote last night was sitting here just now.

Silky and Joe's Mom, all I can add is my hand to hold. I remember the three month mark quite well and I am on 13.5 years. The reason I remember it so clearly is that I was at work, I am a third grade teacher, and before the kids got to school I was suddenly stricken with a pain so strong I called home and told my husband that I felt like coming home. I felt quite suddenly, without anything triggering it, that the last layer perhaps of shock, had worn away and I was left standing with a burning pain in my heart. My arms wanting so badly to hold my Daughter, my heart felt re-broken. Shock had been shielding me though Ihad no idea of it, I thought I was feeling a ton of pain and missing, sadness so pure and deep, but then I realized there were other layers to loss and grief, deeper layers and more painful times. I did stay that day, proved once again that working with children saved my heart and spirit. My Girl died on July 14th, 2014 after being hit by a train on the 8th of July. I went back to work in late August when the new season was beginning. I was unsure as to my ability to go back to work, would I care enough to do my job? would I be too distracted by my grief to be a good teacher? There were no ready answers to those and many more questions, the only way to know was to go. Kids saved my life...they were a daily purpose, they kept me busy, they kept me creative, they kept my heart healing because kids are like that. I don't know if I could have worked at anything else. Some folks went back to work to find that they could no longer do that work and went in new directions. It  will unfold for you as well, you will either be glad to be back at work for the way it puts a frame to the days, or you will find you cannot be there right now. Different for everyone.

Divianz, the court dates were very hard on my spirit too, getting my hopes up that the railroad and the township would stand up and apologize for their lack of work ethic to let the fuse be blown and not changed...the township of Kalamazoo eventually apologized and reconfigured the stops for the train throughout their town. Amtrak did not even say that they were sorry as that would have been admitting guilt and they were not held responsible. Still pisses me off...but what mattered to me at the time is that nobody else would die at that spot again. I wish you well in those hard to manage court dates. Hard not to go nuts I know.

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Silky I hear you and your anger is justified you feel the woman has to pay for what she did and life is so unfair. I bet many of us have felt hatred or wanted retribution for the people who caused their child's death that is a normal reaction. Knowing that is not the way is the small sensible part of the irrational emotional brain but hey fantasies don't hurt anyone right? Investigations take time and we want instant justice and payback for our loss. I am so sorry you have to wait for an end to the legal proceedings. Waiting wears you down when you are already hanging to your sanity by a fine thread. You will be ok just keep on going and keep on going through the stages of grief I promise you will get to place that is more sane and peaceful but it takes a long time. Be brave.

Joe's mom £months is such a brief time since losing your son although time distorts. Some days feel longer others whizz by. I am 18 months on and still lose track of the day and date. There is no magic number it is not even like a jail sentence because in that case there will always a date that you will be set free to live in society and with grief it is for life.We are all unique human beings and no one can predict with accuracy when you see the light again and come back to living a life. The important thing is to accept your grief in all its many forms, anger,sadness,hatred,blame,regret whatever, and work through them. People who shut down their feelings and do not acknowledge them find they resurface many months or years later because they are unresolved feelings. Give your emotions a voice whether it is screaming in an isolated place, writing poetry or lyrics, playing loud angry music , ripping up newspapers,or writing random words on a sheet of paper. Experience and name those feelings, let them overwhelm you and banish them temporarily. I have cried so hard I have been sick, I never could have imagined the number of tears a soul could hold. I must have at least cried the equivalent of an ocean. But tears are healing, they are a physical sign of inner torment, let them free it's ok. from your own words it sounds like you maybe are not ready to return to work yet. Distraction is not a healthy option. Talk to your doctor and see if they can sign you off a bit longer, it is worth the extra time to build yourself up to face the world. I wish you well.

Dianne as always sound caring words of comfort you have a way with words that helps to heal others. Thanks.

Devianz words from a parent in a similar position waiting for justice or at least a verdict have power. To be able to reach out to other suffering parents when you are in the middle of it yourself is courageous and noble. Some parents make connections with others because you share a common bond and this is why this site is so valuable. Here we can open our hearts, bare our souls, speak our anguish and rage and slowly slowly make progress.All of us have been forced into suffering it was never our choice but we can choose to be present with our feelings and find strength we did not know we had to overcome grief. continue to be brave.

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I am doing my best, and if I can help anyone else going through the same type of thing then I am going to try.

There is so much inhumanity in losing an adult child. So much to go through and process. So much that doesn't make sense to us. The best we can do is restore some humanity to each other. To reach out in understanding, sympathy and kindness so that others know that they do not have to suffer alone. That we, even through electronic forums, have walked and are still walking the same paths that they are traveling down and understand on many levels the maelstrom of emotions and thoughts that crash through our hearts while we try to process what has happened to us and to our children.

For me, I feel like someone had torn large swaths of pages out of a really lovely book. The story gets altered in the margins by the killers filthy hands and it's like he's written himself into our story uninvited and unwanted. It's so infuriating, but to throw the book away now is to lose the memories of our beautiful boy. The one with the blue eyes, nimble hands and beautiful voice. So I just keep trying to wash away the words written by the murderer with kindness to others and with the energy of my rage.

All I can tell you is to do your best to stay strong.  There will be moments, hours, even days that break you but you have to at least try to be strong. To carry your child's storybook with you so you can share his story as a cautious tale to others. As a way to reach out to others who may be carrying a book that is mostly the same. That is how we can continue to share the best part of our children forward. To give them the future that was taken from them. To let their spirit continue to move through other people and give them the light that our beautiful sons and daughters once carried within themselves.

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Dianne------I  was a nurse for a lot of years, then my dear dad got terminal cancer,

and I decided to take time away from nursing to spend time with him. As it turned out,

its a good thing that I did, because he died 8 mo. later, but we had some good quality

time together...just talking and reminiscing. I then went to work in the library, and retired

from that after my son, Dave, died.  Yes, I can so understand your visions of your dear son

in the ER, and the Dr. looking at the clock.  My son died in ER, and we were out of town

when the wreck that took his life happened, so no one in the family was with him when

he died.....but,..... the Higher Power was with him. I only worked ER as a fill-in, now &

then.  Glad that I didn't.  Not the area for me.  But, loved the newborn nursery. Great

little 'patients'.....:)

 

Bob-----Love the pic of your son, Jake..... he's a handsome man. Great story about the

truck and the sheriff.

 

Lesley-----Sorry to hear that the surgeons are not able to do much more for your ankle.

I hope you enjoyed the snow in N. England when you visited.  My brother lives in upstate

NY and he sent me pics of all the snow that came their way.

 

Gretchen----Thanks so much for all the lovely family pics.

 

Sandy----I'm sorry I missed Sarah's Angel Day.  I hope that all your memories of your

joyful times, and her smile warmed your heart.

 

Dee---We got about 6 inches of snow over about a 3-day period.  The lane was drifted shut

due to brisk winds one night & next day. Snow is mostly all gone now. The willow  seems to

withstand crazy spring freezes/thaws, so I think it will be fine.  Saw a flock of wild turkeys

cross the field the other day.  The blue heron is a beautiful bird......glad you got a chance

to see it.   On sunny days,  the birds think that spring is right around the corner, and will

sing & sing.  On gloomy, cloudy days........not so much.:o

 

Georgina-----Sorry to hear of your bad experience recently, .....where someone said something

that was inappropriate.  Yes, we need to get away from others for awhile when something like

this happens, so as to compose ourselves.  As you say, we usually don't have a lot of time to

devote to it, and have other more pressing things to attend to, so we 'soldier' on.  Peace to you.

 

WISHING     PEACE    TO    ALL  INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry

 

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Sherry, thanks for sharing your story. I can just close my eyes and see what was going on in that ER.  But, like you, I know  that "Higher Power" was there for him also. I see him walking down that dark tunnel with the bright light in the distance and his lifting his arm in a backward wave as he went to his forever home.

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I am sorry to see all the new faces here, but this place was a lifesaver for me. 

My son Jesse was killed by an inattentive driver in 2012. She was unrepentant and ran away from the trial for a period of time. It was only after I mounted my own manhunt that she was dug up and kept in jail until trial. After she killed my son, she had a battery charge against her for attacking someone and was a meth user. There were many liars that made up tales to cover their own asses which we managed to overcome for that conviction.

So, I understand the rage and fury of it all. We went through a 2+ year trial. She was convicted but her sentencing was not enough. She still has not attempted to pay anything.

I would say things have gotten less "raw" but there is always the missing. 

I wish you all gentleness in this journey.

 

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Ugly Shoes Poem

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think
about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child

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Laurie, YUP, I found that poem so early on in my loss and have used those shoes as a metaphor for my pain and grief.  Glad you  brought it forth for some of the new ones here.

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Laurie,

Thanks so much for your words. I am so sorry for your loss, and I really appreciate you telling me Jesse's story.

For us, it's almost been 8 months so we are still in the pre-trial paper chase. It's always discovery hearings, and the defense stalling and dragging their feet. I was told to expect between 2-3 years before it is all settled in our case.

...

So yeah... those shoes are the worst pair I've ever put on. And so many miles to go before I sleep...

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Hello friends old and new. Just checking in as I like to do every so often. Andy's 6th anvelversary just passed. How is that possible?  Six years ago I was certain I would be dead by now, but I'm still plugging away! Life is good. Summer is coming! Always good for a happy mood. I still miss my beloved Andy, but I have learned to live with the pain. Can't wait to see him again! Sending love to all. 

 

Pam

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