momofJustin

Loss of an Adult Child

59,494 posts in this topic

i just found out that our next " surname change " hearing isnt slotted until july 7 . i dont really believe our courts are that busy . i think theyre trying to wear a couple of murder suspects down . my county boasts an over 90 % conviction rate for murders and have a ( imo ) world class cold case team . 

i was reading stories a few days ago about capital punishment in indiana . the author said that bloomington indiana is such a liberal craphole that capital punishment is unheard of in that town . come 15 miles north to morgan county indiana and we have a healthy reputation for cramming a needle in a killers arm . tommy pruitt is next . he has an iq of about 60 but he was well aware of what .45 caliber bullets would do to the beloved lawman he murdered . 

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Leslely, are you still in Pennsylvannia? I hope that this trip has been a good thing for you. Yes, the cold after so much warm is hard on nature, and this winter has been very odd, no snow since December here, not what is expected. So many migrating birds back a month early so the cold is going to throw them off their game, not too many bugs to eat in the frozen surroundings, though the ground is not frozen...it will not be filled by insects in this kind of cold. I listen to music throughout the day, need it in my life, need to dance, need to sing, need to cry to the lyrics that sing out the pain of loss and the joy of love. But quiet I also need. Right now,, I need sleep so good night to you all.

Oh Bob, I am rooting for you in this battle. Keep fighting the good fight. I am glad for your sense of humor, it is what saves us in all of this.

Laurie, I am sorry that the battle continues for you too. Goodness knows how hard you have worked to provide your Little One a good life, nobody should be able to come in and shake that up. NOBODY!

Georgina, I will try to attach the Shaft of Light Photo here. This image was taken in the year that followed Erica's death...when walking through the forest preserve, I called out, Erica where are you? And a shower of light appeared at that moment. Lovely that she gave her light to show me my way...again and again and again.

Shaft of Light.jpg

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Bob, I love the photo you are using...your Boy is quite a handsome man.

Cold sunny day here, saw a blue heron down at the slough on my walk, so beautiful.

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Georgina,thanks for the candle for all of our Angels. 30 months----did we ever think we could have come this far?  I was betting not making to Nov 29,2014. Step by step is how we did it.  Most of the time I beg not to wear these shoes and I do not recognize who I am in them.  The shoes hurt ALOT. But I keep going.  I sometimes stop the hurt for a while when I do not think about what I lost to get put in these shoes.  I try really hard to think about what I have and what I had.  I think about myself in tennies--gym shoes-- the soft comfy kind where I could run after my kids and took the time to think about the future.  I know I cannot do that anymore in the same context.  My future is different--- but it is still out there.  Heather, Tim and Piper occupy that space.  But in that blur of the future that I just can't quite focus on stands the spirit of Michael.  He is forever young, while I forge my way through forever sadness.  He is peaceful.  He reminded me in no uncertain terms that eternity is forever. I keep him tucked in my heart where he cannot see these ugly shoes I am forced to wear.  And somehow, someway, when the timing is as it is supposed to be, he will reach out to me.  I will kick off these awful shoes---manufactured by a company called GRIEF--- and be able to run unencumbered. James is the same way--facing forever young, forever peaceful, loving the little brother he never got to know before. I cannot offer any words regarding the details that haunt you because our circumstances are different but the result is the same.  But know that James is peaceful and doesn't hurt, is surrounded by the serenity your little robin tries to bring you. These ugly shoes we are in won't last forever.  I have it from the thoughts of my son, only eternity is forever.

Sherry, yes working from home in those earlier times really helped me. I am not sure how I could have managed to work otherwise.  I believe you said you were a nurse--so I imagine you can understand my all too vivid flashes of Michael on a cart in the ER during those last moments ending with the ER doc looking at the clock... But, unfortunately I am once again without a contract and my husband keeps replaying that word RETIRE in my ear.

Bob, yes nice to see Jake.  Our  Angels looking at us always reminds me of our reasons.  I guess I never realized our state did the death penalty.  That is what I get living up here in The Region.  It seems like revolving doors up here.

Dee, I was touched by your story about your former student that you met and had lunch with.  It reminded me that Michael had such a kind, dedicated teacher in the 7th grade. I think that is a rough time for adolescence. I could not believe it when she came to Michael's service. She had him in class 24 years prior. She recalled so many good and kind memories.  

 

 

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Dee yes I am in PA for a month so experiencing snow. In southwest England snow is very rare and usually only an inch or two max so this next storm on tues is eagerly anticipated! Since my ankle is still broken I won't have to do any digging out either so I will sit with a hot choc or coffee and take in the beauty of Nature in its white purity. Nature is calming to my soul and mind. I also find your Erica's shaft of light photo inspiring, we all crave a sign.

Bob I so hope a good outcome comes out of your fight for justice it must be so exhausting and a rollercoaster of emotions, you are so strong and committed I applaud you. i broke just coping with my son's death and the nastiness of my ex stirring up our children I am so relieved that after scattering Tommy's ashes last year and getting the UK inquest over there will be no more things to attend and we can get back to a more even field. My kids have not processed their brother's death but they are all adults and will cope in their individual ways. We all have to concentrate on fixing ourselves because that is the only person we can change.

Coming back to PA is like coming home. We lived there for 18yrs and sorely missed being there. Seeing my old friends was amazing we just picked up where we left off almost 6yrs ago I feel blessed. I know I need to make an effort to find a friend base back in the UK something I have withheld myself from doing. I will not be able to work for a while longer because my ankle is still not healed darn it and I am out of  surgical options now after having had 5 operations. I will look at homeopathic remedies and have a serious rethink before undergoing a permanent fixation. My anxiety has eased since I have been here and I am enjoying being free of it.

 

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Lesley, I hope the winter storm is a beauty and that sitting in the comfort of an old friend's home watching it all around you offers you the peace you seek. I hope that in that time you begin to heal that ankle as well. Do you feel that moving back here to the states is in the cards? We woke to some snow today, the first snow since December and are in for more int he coming days, but nothing like expected out east toward PA and NJ. Enjoy.

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Kate, just read your post from a few days ago---I am backtracking as I have been trying to read these on my tablet which is old. I can definitely see where Jeff got his compassion from....it is obvious you are a very kind, compassionate woman.

 

Yikes, snow and cold today.  Can't we choose between one or the other!!

 

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stephen judy went from his murder of a mooresville woman and her 3 kids to death in michigan citys electric chair in only 23 months . i think he refused appeals in order to be found insane . it didnt work for him . we fried tim mcvey in short order too but in all fairness it was a federal sentence carried out in terre haute . 

my son was known and loved . he fixed peoples automobiles , on the breakdown sight often , treated the customers like hed want to be treated and a deluge of citizens have spoken to the detectives , stating that they would be walking right now if jake hadnt of went the extra mileage to help them . if jakes murder trial is tried by a jury , somebody is going to fry . i would prefer the death penalty because it usually represents 20 + years on a very stark death row and several false alarms ( just for the purpose of phsyc torture ) . on the other hand , some people get a hustle going in prison and , compared to living on the freezing streets , actually adapt to prison life and THRIVE . 

not necessarily being melodramatic here . my son was ambushed at his own home and methodically assassinated . imo , and the hoosier  spirit , they dont make enough mitigating circumstances to soften that up . 

i know this sht is a done deal . our detectives are brilliant  -- decades of combined service . they just understandably wont share much info with a mad dad whos building his own electric chair . hahaha . they assume im kidding but deep inside they dont have any problem visualizing said chair . they are old morgan county rural boys and arent strangers to mechanical innovation themselves . 

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this is a morgan county indiana story that i think is fun enough to share with you people . a few years ago jake and i were driving our 51 chevy worktruck home thru town one night but our clutch throwout bearing had taken a sht . so you effectively have no clutch pedal . you have to kill the engine at each stoplight , then take off in granny gear with the starter and bangshift all the gears . i no sooner ' launched ' from a stoplight when a deputy pulled me over . he jumped up on my running board and screamed " whats yer fn BAG man ? i had to laugh being it was timeless morgan county lingo that he used on us . i showed him the boxes of new parts sitting on our console and told him we were " precisely " heading home to fix the issue . he was SO cool . hes our sheriff now . 

jake , on the other hand , was sitting in the passenger seat holding a half pound of weed . for his own use , mind you . he never sold drugs . me and future sheriff were posturing and just having some good clean banter . jake didnt think either of us were a GD bit funny .. 

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Good story Bob, love that the Now-Sheriff showed you some goodness that day, makes it much easier to respect the guy now. I hope your Guys find who is guilty right away and that you get some good Grandparent rights and this tiny little Man gets to know you. In you, he will hear his Daddy's heart.

Snowy and cold, more snow due tonight. Harder to take now after we had several days of 69 and 70. Oh well, hope the flowers and baby birds will survive.

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Have a good Pi day. Snowy and cold but very pretty here. Just got in from a walk.

Love to all,

dee

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Just dropping in to let you know I have been busy in my new studio and think of you often. Grandees growing. Here are pics of my mom with the kids, my daughter who has been doing well for nearly a week now (she has pretty rapid cycling bipolar disorder) and my grandson, my granddaughter madelyn with her arm around Preston and visaversa and me holding lyra. I know too much sharing but other than you guys there is no where else I can brag lol.

It does help me a ton to have them. Until my hospital visit, an adjustment of meds and quitting my job i still had trouble being buoyed up regardless what was happening. Now that I no longer have that terrible disassociation disorder I can feel and give love again and it has helped so much to feel the love with these little people.

I know so many of you are having to struggle with the courts. That must be so difficult. I went to Houston to testify for Andrew's little girls (as only heirs) and even that tiny thing seemed like an ordeal. Others of you are first dealing with the agonizing pain and I am so sorry for all of you and wish you strength and the knowledge there will be a better day. I hope one comes soon. Some times you just get one day or one hour but take those moments to breath as easily as you can, rest and care for yourselves. Love to all 

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Gretchen, I for one love seeing pictures of my dear indigo friends'  family.  At this point in my journey it just gives me hope for life.I think a little bragging is good for  the soul. Beautiful and happy group of kids! That picture of Madelyn and Preston is a treasure.

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Hello to all INDIGOS......Not much to say today......not really 'down', especially......

just don't have much to contribute.

 

Dee-----We're getting snow now, and cold...., but I guess that the eastern states

are getting it much worse with many inches of snow in some areas.  We've had a

willow tree blooming its catkins for several weeks now....it always seems to be

early.  Forsythia was trying to bloom, and now this cold.  I hope your magnolia

tree will survive.  Weather is so out of whack. :(

 

WISHING PEACE AND COMFORT TO ALL IN THE  INDIGO FAMILY, AND A  RESTFUL NIGHT.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry   

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5 years today.   These last weeks have been tough.    Usually her birthday has been the hardest  day for me, but today has been hard  It hurts so much.   I miss her so.  I will be ok, but have to go through this.   Tomorrow is another day.

Have a restful evening.

 

Sandy

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Sandy Sweetie, I wrote last night to honor your hard time on the date that was so devastating...but it is not here. I don't quite know what happened to my post...somewhere in the world, all of our lost posts are sitting in the clouds shouting out our love in pinks, greens, oranges, reds...perhaps making rainbows of love and honor, care and hope. Hope is the golden ring I think. Hope for those still here, HOPE for our aching souls to find enough light from our Lovely Ones to shine our way through.

God Bless you and the whole family on this anniversary, it is a benchmark of time  for sure. I am heading to year 14, but those 5 year increments hit hard because of what 5 years mean to any of us. 10 years, 15...

I hold you Sandy in my heart and each day I say, 'hold on friend'.

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Gretchen, how wonderful to see you all smiling out into the world, carrying the torch forward, and how grateful I am for your new-found light in your spirit. The Grandies are gorgeous and I see a bit of Forrest in those twinkling eyes. I hope that your Daughter can find a more even time in her life, how hard it must be to be so up and down on a regular basis. Prayers.

Sherry we did not get the amount of snow that some northern suburbs got, we only had about 3 inches, but 11 in some towns up north by 40 miles. Yikes.  HOpe the willow will be fine...

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Gretchen lovely picture of your family such happiness shown there.  I'm glad things are better for you. I agree with one day one hour at a time although one minute for me.

 I had a really bad break down today. Someone at work said something to me about James's case, inappropriate, and I had to cope until I could leave the staff room, other people were there, I was just in pieces and couldn't go to my first lesson but I had to pull myself together which was hard, I didn't want to feel that I didn't have the time to deal with my feelings but I just had to get on with it. We have a chaplain at our school she's just so lovely I spent some time with her but didn't want to take up too much of her time so I went and sat in my car it was a hard day today. 

I hope your all ok with the snow storm that's hitting you ? my sister was snowed in she lives in New Jersey she's hoping the power lines are brought down overnight.

take care God bless xxx

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Georgina, I am sorry for the ache caused by ignorant words. I know how cutting they can be. Going to gather yourself is a good thing to do. I hope too, that your Sister does not lose power. How long has your sister lived in the states?

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Hi Dee she lived there for 26 years.  My mum and brother and three of my sisters went over at the same time. They opened English Tearooms over there. My mum and one sister have come back to England. My brother also but he died at age 61 in 2011. 

Im coming over again this summer, under duress, because I'm very scared of flying and last summer Kevin got so ill but my sister has fallen out with the family and only has me. She pays for my fare and really enjoys the company. She lives on her own, never married but has lots of animals who are like her kids.  3 horses, 4 cats, 3 goats and 4 dogs .

she has a beautiful house lots of land but enderlessly works to keep it all. 

Take care Dee xx

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  @ leslie ,   " We all have to concentrate on fixing ourselves because that is the only person we can change " .

thanks , that really helped me today . honestly , i have no one . although i dont go on about the loss of my son much , ive still found people tend to avoid me ( im assuming ) just because the situation is potentially so emotionally charged . my life seems so meaningless right now so its going to be up to me to fix it . my oldest son and i still dont give two shts for each other and that right there is giving me the incentive to thrive . two kids can grow up to be so different . i guess thats why we have two arms . you can hug one while punching the other in his smug face .. 

hehe

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well my oldest son just sent me a pretty kind email so i guess i should stop harshin on him . his ex in florida has poisoned his young kids against him and its pretty heart wrenching for him . the absence of those grandkids in my ( and his )  life was brought up in court by our attorney so that might help sway the judge to give nick our surname . dna results say hes a s****y . like abe lincoln said ; calling a dogs tail a leg does not make it a leg . 

admittedly , i dont know much about the law except you dont jam your trike thru marion indiana at 1 ; 00 am washing down xanax with everclear . judge haas gets all frowney faced over that sht . 

#fatheroftheyear

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Scholl1955 No matter how much time has passed certain dates have the power to bring us to our knees we all understand, stay strong.

Dee love that comment of yours below

11 hours ago, ericasmom said:

  I don't quite know what happened to my post...somewhere in the world, all of our lost posts are sitting in the clouds shouting out our love in pinks, greens, oranges, reds...perhaps making rainbows of love and honor, care and hope.

Gretchen love the photos what precious memories.

Inheavenskeeping I am sorry you were so hurt by someone's thoughtless and tactless words. People really do not know how to relate to grieving parents at all. grief makes others uncomfortable and do not realise how much their words can be like an arrow to the heart. That person was ignorant. However we are hypersensitive to certain things and more so at certain dates so our personal defences are already weak and easily breached. You handled yourself well, removing yourself and taking some quiet time to gather your thoughts and emotions is very sensible and shows an inner strength and stronger coping system. How great that the Chaplain was there for you at that difficult time. I think we are sent people to help us when we are especially vulnerable. You are there for your sister which is awesome. What part of the Uk are you based? I am in Plymouth close to my parents who are aging. One of my sisters also lives in Plymouth, the other in Texas USA ,and my brother in Minehead. I miss living in Pennsylvania but enjoying visiting here at the moment. We had about 10 inches of snow here its pretty cold.

Bob glad you could find something in my rambling words I

 

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leslie , im 58 yrs old and at this age there are few things that you still derive enjoyment from as you once did . i dont know what will ever pick me back up . everything jake and i have ever built was meant to go to jake to compensate him for his honest loyalty to me when our family divorced in 2001 . if young nick doesnt step into the void left by his father ( jake ) this home and contents , vehicles , trikes , will be torched to the ground when my vitality fades away . i know of no one in my life who has worked so hard and deserving of this home and assorted creations . nothing against my older son , this just wasnt his project and he has no stake in it , nor would appreciate it . in fact at the age of 17 , the older son conspired with the ex to drive me out of the first home id built for them . 

no grudge here but the fact is when you lie in order to destroy , there usually isnt a pot of gold waiting at the end of your rainbow of selfish delusion . thats the very definition of INjustice ..

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And I am glad that you found something in my words that you liked Lesley. THe snow in PA must be a pretty site. It has been pretty darn cold however here, and I am anxious for the snow to melt to reveal what if any plants have survived. THey are mostly Illinois prairie plants so should do fine...

Bob, I am happy to hear that your Older Son wrote to you. As he travels the road of divorce, he may start to see the similar situations he is in to what you faced so many years ago. Maybe he can open up a bit to you now about the stress he is experiencing and maybe, just maybe, about the loss you both have had to face. While different for you each, Jake's life can help bridge some communication. At least I hope so. I come from a family of tangles, so I get not talking to members of the family for many years or forever...but for you, I hope that there is something there in yours and your son's relationship.

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