momofJustin

Loss of an Adult Child

59,494 posts in this topic

How wired I posted a reply on here the other day to you Dee, Diane, Leasley and Sherry and I can't find it. 

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Cher, all of the things you are joining and trying will eventually help you find your way...you are far stronger than you ever wanted to find out Dear. When we live one day beyond our Child...we are very brave humans, and we hunt and find a way to live again, a way that honors our Child and honors living well...You will find your way...time and those who get it will help you.

 

Becky, I am sorry that your vision is less than it was, but I am glad that you are staying in contact with your Doctor for sure. I love the ringing, LOVE THAT BOY!

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Georgina, maybe it got deleted somehow, I have lost posts as well. How are you Sweetie?

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I just wanted to see if my post were appearing don't know what happened.  So annoying 

i just wanted to say a big Thankyou to you Dee, Diane, Leasley and Sherry for caring about me and all the advice. I just wanted to say that the reasone I don't take antidepressants is because It's hard to explain but that I have to grieve, have to grieve and go through the pain to come out the other I didn't want to be numb and have no emotion.

Dee I'm doing ok Thank you I'm changed though Dee and I feel sad about that I used to be such a happy person even my life was hard I was happy. But now it's like I'm drowning trying to get my head above the surface and not making it. 

Im sad to see the new parents here.  I'm glad you've found us and I hope you find the comfort here that I've found without which I wouldn't of survived. God Bless x

Take Care much Love xxx 

 

 

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Thought I would share this gxx

 

 

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Georgina, I get why you did not want to take anti-depressants, and even if you did, it is sometimes hard to find the right one, the right dosage. I never went on meds until about 3 years ago. I went along fine but when Grandies came to us, I worried relentlessly, just so worried about every little thing. So I went on Lexapro. I stayed on for about 1.5 years. I stopped feeling like ME. Though it helped me through a time I needed help with. No tears would come while on meds, and I am a crier. I missed my tears as silly as that sounds.

Georigina, no you are not the YOU that you remember, you are the new you with aches and pain, and a broken heart. Try if you can to embrace that James loves you fully with your ache and your pain and your broken heart, that will never change, but what he wants more than anything, is to see you find your way again. It must be so hard to climb out of that deep well that you were thrust into again, to do it once is hard as hell, to do it twice???I pray I never know. I am wishing I could build a safe feeling for you, like a ladder out of that well, into the light of day again.

Thanks for the Japanese bowl. So pretty.

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Cher, it sounds like you are doing many things to help yourself. Grief doesn't let you go around it, you have to go through it. I certainly have many ups and downs....still cannot even say his name without tearing up.However, you asked for an affirmation and I have one I use every morning.  I still have my first thought every morning that my son is dead.  Brutal, slap in the face and I am unable to throw that thought in a bag and seal it up. But I now follow that up with this:

Today I will will inhale, the essence of your being to give me strength.

Today I will exhale a piece of my sorrow.

Becky, sorry to hear of  more difficulties with your eyes. What an unbelievable sign from Jared.  Perhaps he set off the ringing  to make sure you  could be aware of him and not miss a sign that you would have trouble seeing.  Smart boy that he is.....

Aaron, I wish I had words of wisdom to give but I am at a loss.  I hope that you and your wife can come together in your sorrow and be stronger together in your loss than apart and hurting alone. Respect each other's grief as it may not be shown in the same way but it is for the same reason, the loss of your wonderful son.

Georgina, a beautiful song as always----touches the heart.  Georgina, I understand wanting to not take medication to mask the pain. You have been suffering so much with all you face.  It always seems like The Compassionate Friends help you when you go.  Do they have weekly meetings?  Maybe if you cannot do an individual grief counselor  or use medications, maybe their group meetings regularly could help.  We all know that everyone's grief is unique and you have certainly had your share of complications from the law to your health --and your husband's. I am no physician or therapist  but maybe meds would give you time to get your strength back so you can continue to heal? We are different people than we were 2.5 years ago and we have to find our way.  I know you have it in you.

 

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So sorry to see new parents here, and sorry for your loss.  Please come back if you can.

 Everyone on this site knows the heartache of losing a dear child, and extends understanding.

 

Georgina-------Thank you for your kind words.  I, too, did not want to go on antidepressant meds,

even though a Dr. said that I may have to take them for  a long time..  I just felt that I had to

'tough it out' somehow, and feel the feelings, and shed the tears that came along with losing a child.

 A broken heart just has to change a person......especially emotionally, and many times physically, as

many here at BI can attest to.  Thanks for the beautiful video of Japanese bowls, and

lovely photos & artwork.  Music beautiful too.

 

Dee------- I get what you mean about somehow  'missing the tears'.  Many times, I have felt like

this when in that deep dark hole, and wished that the tears would come pouring out to help, but

they did not come.  A terrible feeling , on top of the grief.

 

PEACE   TO  ALL   INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry

 

 

   

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hello everyone, I am on my phone so reading and writing isn't what it should be. 

I am writing today in warning. Not reaction only that if this happens to you, act quickly.

On December 28 I had a heart attack. I was busy the week before and felt tired but not to the point of being fearful. 

I woke very early and immediately ran downstairs to make coffee. when I came back up stairs I noticed that my arm felt funny. it felt as if I had slept on one side all night so I rubbed it. in a very short time I realized I could not lift my arm but I could swing it back and forth . I did not have chest pain. somewhere in the back of my mind I knew  I should be taking aspirin but I wasn't able to get to it. my mind wasn't exactly clear and when I dialed nine-one-one I started to vomit. 

the EMTs. were  on the way so I called a friend of mine who stayed on the phone with me all the way to the hospital because I didn't know my cell phone was still on. 

I broke out in a cold sweat as I lay on the gurney in the ambulance and they administer two doses of nitroglycerin. 

I was taken to a local hospital that actually had a heart hospital inside. 

I remember wanting to go to sleep  but the EMT said" don't go to sleep don't go to sleep."

the world seemed rather quiet at that time. 

when I arrived at the emergency room there was a whole team of people waiting for me.

I was rushed in and had angioplasty and they placed a stent in my descending artery. 

as some of you know Richard died from an anomaly in his descending artery however his was most likely genetics and mine was due to poor choices . 

I stayed in the hospital for 3 Days.  Sarah  was running around and getting my medication and food when I was discharged. The poor kid. 

I'm feeling well. I was very emotional after this but as I read it was to be expected. I am now on 5 different medication as we're before I was on one. 

I just wanted to reinforce a warning for women to watch out for this. The arm. I am 56 years old. 

I haven't had a chance to read much but I'm very sorry to see the new parents here as well. 

please take care of yourselves for losing our child/children surely does break our hearts. 

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Wow Betsy, to see you and Betty in one week is truly amazing. But I am so sorry that you are telling us that you had a heart attack, grateful too that you have survived it and have a new lease on life. What do you mean your heart condition was bad choices...5 medications a day now, but that is okay because they are helping you into each next day. I am so glad that you knew what to do, calling 911 and calling a friend. Good thinking woman. Thank you for the warning. Women do experience heart issues differently than men. Keep visiting here so we can hear how you are and where life has led you thus far?

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5 hours ago, ericasmom said:

Cher, all of the things you are joining and trying will eventually help you find your way...you are far stronger than you ever wanted to find out Dear. When we live one day beyond our Child...we are very brave humans, and we hunt and find a way to live again, a way that honors our Child and honors living well...You will find your way...time and those who get it will help you.

 

Becky, I am sorry that your vision is less than it was, but I am glad that you are staying in contact with your Doctor for sure. I love the ringing, LOVE THAT BOY!

Thanks for your kind words, I do not feel strong at all. Weaker thank I have ever felt. But yes somehow I will make it through. I find it therapeutic to light a candle everyday at his grave site which we call his property. Also lighting a candle at a special place in my home and blow it out and say goodnight. As a mom my body and mind doen't know how to stop taking care of him so this helps.

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3 hours ago, TearsInHeaven said:

Cher, it sounds like you are doing many things to help yourself. Grief doesn't let you go around it, you have to go through it. I certainly have many ups and downs....still cannot even say his name without tearing up.However, you asked for an affirmation and I have one I use every morning.  I still have my first thought every morning that my son is dead.  Brutal, slap in the face and I am unable to throw that thought in a bag and seal it up. But I now follow that up with this:

Today I will will inhale, the essence of your being to give me strength.

Today I will exhale a piece of my sorrow.

Becky, sorry to hear of  more difficulties with your eyes. What an unbelievable sign from Jared.  Perhaps he set off the ringing  to make sure you  could be aware of him and not miss a sign that you would have trouble seeing.  Smart boy that he is.....

Aaron, I wish I had words of wisdom to give but I am at a loss.  I hope that you and your wife can come together in your sorrow and be stronger together in your loss than apart and hurting alone. Respect each other's grief as it may not be shown in the same way but it is for the same reason, the loss of your wonderful son.

Georgina, a beautiful song as always----touches the heart.  Georgina, I understand wanting to not take medication to mask the pain. You have been suffering so much with all you face.  It always seems like The Compassionate Friends help you when you go.  Do they have weekly meetings?  Maybe if you cannot do an individual grief counselor  or use medications, maybe their group meetings regularly could help.  We all know that everyone's grief is unique and you have certainly had your share of complications from the law to your health --and your husband's. I am no physician or therapist  but maybe meds would give you time to get your strength back so you can continue to heal? We are different people than we were 2.5 years ago and we have to find our way.  I know you have it in you.

 

Hi,

Thanks for affirmations. I will definitely give it a try and keep working at surviving this unbelievable nightmare. I am at a point where nobody really wants to talk about it or hear me talk about my son. I can see and feel how uncomfortable they are when I mention my sons name. It is not like I am crying when I talk about it, I just mention something about him. It is hard not to talk about him as he has always been a huge part of my life and I am not comfortable not talking about him if something comes to mind. It is hard to pay attention and stop yourself from mentioning his name. So what now. Stop seeing my family because they are uncomfortable.? I refuse to bury his memories as well. So this only adds to my loss. Don't get me wrong, I do have great support from my hubby and my other son. But the rest of people are uncomfortable as they are not living my life, where all I think about is my son. They act like nothing happened. This is going to be a hurdle I will have to get through as well. Did you have this happen and if yes how did you handle ti?

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A poem you Newbies can relate to,  written early on in grief.

Weaver

 

 

Thread your beams through me

and fill me with your silver light,

I shall let your lumens free

distributing them on an otherwise

dark and cloudy night.

 

 

Weave me with your magic sheen

and hoist me by my aching soul

I shall spread your angel being

touching those who also ache

 by what happenstance stole.

 

 

 

 dee

 

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When I cry because of the pain and heartache, I wish so much for relief. But when I feel OK and don't cry for a while (few hours) I feel bad because I think I should be crying more. What is up with that? It's a weird feeling.

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I would like to talk about my son and what he represented. He worked for a temporary employment placement company. It was started by an ex-cop father of a friend of his. He worked for very little money and so lived at home with us. He saw the rough and difficult side to every day life. People that had just left prison, drug addicts, etc. Street people that worked for the day just to earn something to eat. He was no push- over... but he also had a heart of gold. He saw the good in most people and was very empathetic. The week before he died he was extremely concerned about a man that had set up a tent in a field behind their office. The temperature was freezing. He contacted the shelters. They told him the man had mental health issues and was afraid of people. He then contacted the police. They did not respond as they see this on a daily basis. What was one less street person? Empathy is the ability to relate on a one to one basis. I had noticed that often his gloves were missing. Blankets would start to disappear from my linen closet. He was deeply troubled about the future of this poor individual. When I saw on the news about those asylum seekers and how they had lost their fingers due to frostbite and the horrendous journey they had endured I thought of that man Jeff was so worried about.

On December 12. 2009 we ate dinner together. He appeared quiet and tired. He walked into his room and two hours later he was dead. We performed CPR but we could not save him. He had lost the will to live. His heart was fractured in a broken world. I have had to live with the memories of that night for the past seven years. It was hell at first. I did not agree with what he did. Yet slowly I came to understand how it could happen. I needed to convince myself that he was wrong and life was worth living.. My heart aches at a world filled with so much turmoil. I try to see the joy and sunshine in all around me. Seven years has changed me beyond anything I could have ever imagined. I will say that time does soften the pain. If I could turn back the hands of time...oh, how I wish.  Life is Life...fight for it as Mother Teresa said.

I also had the opportunity to cross the Iron Curtain in the eighties. I saw the look of utter blankness on the faces of the people that I encountered. A life that was not free. Just imagine? My journey by bus from Vienna to Budapest and the experience of crossing that border lives with me still. When  I heard about a wall to be built I was horrified. I have had the honor and privilege of knowing many Mexican people. Good, decent and hard working individuals that I would consider friends. I know that my political views have no place on this site. I have spoken my piece and will not bring it up again. But I do feel that I had the right to voice my opinion as the situation is affecting our country as well. 

Becky, I hope that your eyes will improve soon. Please take care of yourself.

Georgina, hang on with both hands. You are going to get through this. Stay strong!

Betsy, I am sorry that you suffered a heart attack. Thank you of making people aware of the risks. Women do indeed often present differently. I also have heart issues and found I had pain in my stomach and back. Take care of yourself.

Dee, thank you for your poem.

Love to ALL, Kate

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4 hours ago, Joe's Mom said:

When I cry because of the pain and heartache, I wish so much for relief. But when I feel OK and don't cry for a while (few hours) I feel bad because I think I should be crying more. What is up with that? It's a weird feeling.

Hi Joe's mom

It is very normal. I think your body has a protective mechanism that comes into play sometimes when your body can't take it anymore. It is very important to know that everything you feel is normal unless you want to take action and hurt yourself and then you need immediate help. The most important thing I learned at my group was that everything I feel is normal and okay. Grief is a journey and can't be rushed, so don't expect it to go away quickly. I thought there was something wrong with me when I wasn't better after a month. I wondered around in circles probably for 6 months and when I went to the store, I always forget where I parked my car. At the 8 month mark I was finally able to remember where I parked my car. For 1 month out of the last 9, I seemed to be going along okay, not crying etc. Well I believe my body found a way to protect itself because it couldn't take the stress and pain. Now at 9 months I have been ambushed by my grief again and feel in limbo again. I need to right a list to make sure I get things get done. otherwise I will be wondering around aimlessly. I always forget where I am going and have to work at remembering. I have never been like this ever. But I do notice changes, such as being able to find my car. It is a long journey and not a fun one, but one that we have to take. AN EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER!!! 

Be strong and don't feel bad for anything you feel.

Cher

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Georgina,

I love the Japanese Bowl video.  I throw pottery on the wheel myself, and I love the aesthetics of the cracked vessel.

It's so funny, I've been doing ceramics for years, but it was only after my Nathan passed that I learned to embrace and then love all the flaws, cracks and finger marks in every piece that I create. Only now does nothing have to be perfect to be loved.

Odd, isn't it?

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Hi I know I've shared this before but I wanted our newbees to hear it this is a lovely version gxx

 

 

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5 hours ago, Cher said:

Hi Joe's mom

It is very normal. I think your body has a protective mechanism that comes into play sometimes when your body can't take it anymore. It is very important to know that everything you feel is normal unless you want to take action and hurt yourself and then you need immediate help. The most important thing I learned at my group was that everything I feel is normal and okay. Grief is a journey and can't be rushed, so don't expect it to go away quickly. I thought there was something wrong with me when I wasn't better after a month. I wondered around in circles probably for 6 months and when I went to the store, I always forget where I parked my car. At the 8 month mark I was finally able to remember where I parked my car. For 1 month out of the last 9, I seemed to be going along okay, not crying etc. Well I believe my body found a way to protect itself because it couldn't take the stress and pain. Now at 9 months I have been ambushed by my grief again and feel in limbo again. I need to right a list to make sure I get things get done. otherwise I will be wondering around aimlessly. I always forget where I am going and have to work at remembering. I have never been like this ever. But I do notice changes, such as being able to find my car. It is a long journey and not a fun one, but one that we have to take. AN EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER!!! 

Be strong and don't feel bad for anything you feel.

Cher

Thank you Cher for your feedback, it is very reassuring to me.

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2 hours ago, Joe's Mom said:

Thank you Cher for your feedback, it is very reassuring to me.

Also if you get into a group like griefshare and counselling at a hospice near you, it really helped me. 

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Hello to all INDIGOS.

I've been having trouble with posting, so am a bit mixed up on which of my

posts went through, and which ones didn't make it.  :angry: Sometimes the

previous post is still in the reply field when I want to post a new one.....

sometimes only half of it.   GRrrrrr  I hope this one goes through......hate

losing a post & having to  start all over again.

 

Silky-----I am sorry for your loss of your dear son only 16 yrs. old.  Please

come back to this site.  Everyone cares, and understands.

 

Joesmom-----I hope that you can continue to come to this site.  I'm sorry

for your loss of your son, and that you have need to ever find yourself on

a site such as this, but it can be  a measure of comfort to know that you are

with those who can understand the grief of losing a child.

 

Dianne----thank you for you kind words, and for your posts that are so

filled with compassion and understanding . 

 

Aaron-----I'm sorry that you are having family problems after the loss of

your dear son. This is not uncommon for grieving parents. Sometimes

it just seems to be so difficult to deal with all the grief & emotions. I do

hope that in time, you and your wife can work it out.  Peace to you.

 

 Kate------Good to see your post.  I've missed you, but then I haven't

been on BI for short periods.  :huh:

 

Betty-----Hi, friend!  So glad to see your post.  I think of you, and wonder

how you are doing.   Do you still enjoy the park & squirrels, and take in

those lovely concerts?  I hope so.  Take care.

 

Bob-----Yes, this site can be very frustrating to navigate sometimes......( a lot

of times, it seems).  It takes patience......something that's hard to come by at times. :o

 

Cher------I'm sorry for your loss of your dear son.  ( I may have missed your

original post....having trouble with the site from time to time).  I'm glad you

have come back. We need everyone's input on this rough journey.

 

Betsy------Good to see your post, and Rich's face, but sorry to learn of your

heart attack.  You are right......many times, women's symptoms of a heart attack

do not fit neatly into the recognized  category  that one reads about.  Thank goodness

you called 911, and that you were rushed to the hospital by ambulance, and that

the hospital had a team of heart experts on hand.  Thanks for your excellent and helpful post,

and I'm sending prayers for your recovery. 

 

Tommysmum-----thank you for your post and for the insightful words.

 

Becky-----Hope that your eye problems will be resolved soon.  Prayers.

  

Dee-----thank you for the poem "Weaving"......I remember it,....and find the words so 

true and inspiring.  Have you experienced any of the terrible weather/storms that have

hit the Midwest & Illinois?  I saw it on t.v.   Very scary.  We've been ok here. 

   

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Silky it is just so damn hard every day for a long time but it very slowly eases a little and then you read posts by parents who have had more recent losses, recognise their feelings and look back to see actually how far you have come yourself. It all takes time. I understand your pain and feelings of not wanting to carry on it all feels too much to handle. It is all too much to handle for a battered soul and grieving heart.But it will very slowly ease even if you are not aware of it. I know how hard it is to face painful truths and process facts but by facing fears and anxieties you gain the upper hand. I have suffered with agoraphobia since losing Tommy something I have never had before along with other crippling anxieties which seem so silly but make you incapacitated or handicap your abilities. I have barely left my house in all that time but yesterday I went on a bus then a plane to the USA on my own which is a huge personal victory. I lived here for 18 years and brought my kids up here. I am staying with my very best friend and family and have seen friends that I thought i would not see again because i had moved back to the UK.. You can do it!!

 

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Dee,  beautiful poem and you are always so generous touching those of us and others  with your words.

On 3/7/2017 at 6:51 AM, ericasmom said:

I shall spread your angel being

touching those who also ache

 by what happenstance stole.

Lesley, I believe that is what has helped me exactly as you said:

9 hours ago, Tommy's mum said:

you read posts by parents who have had more recent losses, recognise their feelings and look back to see actually how far you have come yourself.

and being able to maybe verbalize some encouraging words for those new to this journey.  Traveling to the US is a big step for someone with agoraphobia. I hope your visit with your friends gives you comfort and makes NEW good memories.

Susan, miss your great snippets of inspiration.  Hope all is well with you.

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11528.jpeg

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Thank you Dianne and Sherry, I know that for me writing was/is a way to find my steps, and then knowing what it was to be early on this road, these poems may assist others. Poetry is not for everyone, but I have long loved it, both reading it and writing it.

To those new here, keeping a journal is one way many folks find is helpful, it does allow you to record what you are feeling at any given time and while that may sound like it has no merit, it can serve to fill in those blank spots that occur in our memories right after we lose a Child, but also for that backward glance to see how far you have come. Helping another on this site or other places you may belong is the glue for me. I know that in those early months of grief, if I responded to someone's achingly sharp pain in their even newer grief, I would get a sense of purpose, a sense of being able to share what I know that I never wanted to know...therefore turning my experience into something that may be useful for others.

Joe's Mom, that sense of needing to cry and then wondering why you are not crying???Just part of the whole puzzle of grief. There is guilt just by virtue of being a parent, it is born in us when we have a child, and if they die, goodness knows we have a new kind of guilt. And when we grieve, we think ourselves less loving if we go for an hour or a day or a week without tears when in fact, it is part of the process...it is how we learn to live again, anew. When we laugh our first genuine laugh, it can make some feel that they are bad people to be able to laugh when we lost our child...but we are allowing laughter as we allow our tears, as we allow our fits of anger and despair, we are human after all. I imagine our Kids hearing the music of our laughter, how it must make them smile.

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