momofJustin

Loss of an Adult Child

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Dianne, what a beautiful message both your words and the attachment.

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Dianne oh my gosh that picture is just so poignant. On Tommy's funeral order of service was a favourite photo of ours and the words "It's not goodbye, it's see you later" and that is what I try to use to buoy myself up on difficult days because the endless time between losing my son and seeing him again is too painful to think about. I will see him later and you all will see and be reunited again joyfully whatever your spiritual beliefs one day so don't despair.

Georgina As a former nurse I am concerned about you. I dont know if you take any antidepressants or not but they helped me regain my sanity which i totally lost after losing Tommy. I also see a psychiatrist and a bereavement counsellor and both have been very useful. It was a while ago that you lost your children and as time goes by with talking etc it should slowly ease a little. To be so wrapped in profound grief indicates that there are possibly still some unresolved issues concerning losing them. Sometimes people try a therapy too soon in the grief process and it does not work effectively because you are still dazed and cannot accept the loss properly. It is very painful but opening yourself up, baring your soul and throwing it all out there does bring some peace of mind and clarity. This site helps massively but actually meeting with someone and working through your emotions face to face is more challenging. It does take time but it is a one on one completely private conversation when they can see what you are trying to avoid talking about and helping you to open up. I believe we become so accustomed to "grin and bear it" for the sake of others and trying so hard to" be what we think people expect us to be like" especially as time goes on, that we do not always get to the real bare roots of our issues and they become buried. This seems to be a self protecting state to give us the edge on "coping" but in fact we are not coping and it comes back again later to bite you in the ass and kick you when you are down. This can become a cycle and really stops your progress of grieving. i have been to the edge of hell and tried to kill myself then was brought back by medical interventione etc. i was angry and resentful of that for a while because I was so tired overwhelmed and just wanted peace. Then I was dazed numb and uncaring of anything which was also a kind of hell because I have 3 other wonderful kids that I love very dearly, but I was too unwell to be able to see what I did have. I slowly became aware of the enormity of what I had done to my family and the horrors it caused them all and i had to work through my guilt. I now know I was very mentally unstable and so do they and the best way for us all is for me to show honest progress,( not bottle my inner feelings up )and commit to getting WELL.. They all see how I am much more at peace, more able to see a future ahead for myself and the steps I am taking to get back into the world and LIVING for the first time in a very long time. I was existing before not living, and believe me, there is a HUGE difference. I feel hope for the first time. I still cry and get emotional don't get me wrong, we will grieve for our lost children forever, but i see a positive way forward and ways to make my life and those I care about happier with happy memories to carry us forward without Tommy being there. It takes courage to recognize things are not right and strength to deal with them. We are all made differently and react to the same stressors differently. What I really want for you is your health. I want you to find the joy of your life again, to be happy doing what makes you happy and the ability to accept those precious children of yours are gone from this world but never from your heart.it sounds impossible, and I know crazy but it is possible and true. What a gift for our lost children to see us grow in strength and confidence and make changes in the world to benefit others. We lead by example as parents so let's show them we can beat grief and its strong grip and be a success story. Hugs

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Laurie, Colleen, Shannon, Kate, Gretchen, Becky, Leah, Bob, Wade, Susan, are you guys okay? Let us know cause we miss you and wonder about you.

Georgina, life is so so hard right now for you, the culmination of loss for two Sons has hit hard alongside the investigation into James' death...your health and your Husbands...please know that you have been brave, that each day you are brave because each day you find ways to live beyond your Child/Children, is the bravest act of all. I am wishing you a glimmer of James' peace, a notion that he wants you to be healthy. We had to put our case to bed at some point Georgina, we did not win against AMTRAK, but did settle with the village and the configuration of the tracks was changed which will save lives going forward. So we were lucky in that outcome but the fight was hurting my spirit, my soul, so I was very glad when we could walk away. I could have kept up the fight with the BIG Company, but I needed to go live a life, it is what Erica would demand, but also what I needed. I am holding your hand and heart and hoping that a tiny shining light comes into your world today in the way of hope and love.

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Hallo everyone, since the death of my 16 yrs. old son in January, I feel just pain , sadness, numb, paralyzed, nothing matters anymore. I know how you felt Tommy's mum.

If I drapp dead now  I wouldn't mind. Too much thinking, crying , what if's......I'm too just so tired and exhausted.

Good I found this forum side and know there're people know how I feel.

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Silky, I am so sorry for the loss of your son.  I know those words don't come close to the pain you are experiencing.  In this place we have bonded together to share, and support each other with this loss.  I know that this loss brings a parent to their knees with a heart that lies in pieces.   I am a couple of years into this and the path of grief throws things at you. There are many on this forum I think of as my mentors who have helped me this far along. Sometimes just being able to speak out can help, and sometimes just listening to the path of others can be a help.  

Losing a child no matter what age or what circumstances is the loneliest journey a person takes. Those who come close to understanding that are those who share that experience. A grieving parent has to find their own way to live with the loss but they do not have to be alone. Share your thoughts, frustrations, feelings, whatever you are comfortable with whenever you are ready.  We are listening. Hang on with both hands but never be afraid to reach out.

 

grief.jpg

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Hi, I am new to this forum and looking for any kind of comfort in sharing with others who are going through the same thing I am.

My son Joe passed away December 19 2016, at the age of 24, and I feel so hopeless, sad, lost. I never knew that the body could feel such pain and deep sadness. I still don't know what he died of as I have not gotten the coroner's report yet, waiting on toxicology.... This makes it even harder. Joe had struggled with addiction for the last 5 years but had been recovering well in the last year. He did have an accident 2 weeks before he died, where he hit his head. So we don't know if he died of complications from his accident or if he relapsed and died of drug overdose. It is hard not knowing.

I just miss him so much. My life has changed forever and I am hating this new life. I sure hope that it will get easier. 

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Danng, I know these words do not come close to alleviating your pain but I am so sorry for your loss.  This is a good place to come because it is frequented by compassionate people who know the pain, sorrow and grief associated with the loss of a child no matter the age or the circumstances. I am a couple of years into this sadness and loss----and like you we were not given a cause of death. Because he was alone it became a coroner's case and they did not release his body for almost a month. I will tell you that in the beginning, like you, I was so distraught from wanting to know WHY? You know after a while we didn't even care the reason.  I don't want that to sound uncaring but after a while nothing was going to bring him back. They tested him for all sorts of things including enviromental things with nothing conclusive. Again, nothing was bringing him back.  Nothing was bringing him back.  We mourn him, we miss every part of his being and always will. Joe is your son and always will be and your pain is with his loss.   You are probably doing so many "what ifs' in your mind.  Just take it one day (or one hour or one minute) at a time. I know you feel like you can never live through this pain but you will. But think about only getting through the next minute.   Like I just posed to SIlky above----- A grieving parent has to find their own way to live with the loss but they do not have to be alone. Share your thoughts, frustrations, feelings, whatever you are comfortable with whenever you are ready.  We are listening. Hang on with both hands but never be afraid to reach out.

every grieving mother.jpg

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1 hour ago, TearsInHeaven said:

Danng, I know these words do not come close to alleviating your pain but I am so sorry for your loss.  This is a good place to come because it is frequented by compassionate people who know the pain, sorrow and grief associated with the loss of a child no matter the age or the circumstances. I am a couple of years into this sadness and loss----and like you we were not given a cause of death. Because he was alone it became a coroner's case and they did not release his body for almost a month. I will tell you that in the beginning, like you, I was so distraught from wanting to know WHY? You know after a while we didn't even care the reason.  I don't want that to sound uncaring but after a while nothing was going to bring him back. They tested him for all sorts of things including enviromental things with nothing conclusive. Again, nothing was bringing him back.  Nothing was bringing him back.  We mourn him, we miss every part of his being and always will. Joe is your son and always will be and your pain is with his loss.   You are probably doing so many "what ifs' in your mind.  Just take it one day (or one hour or one minute) at a time. I know you feel like you can never live through this pain but you will. But think about only getting through the next minute.   Like I just posed to SIlky above----- A grieving parent has to find their own way to live with the loss but they do not have to be alone. Share your thoughts, frustrations, feelings, whatever you are comfortable with whenever you are ready.  We are listening. Hang on with both hands but never be afraid to reach out.

every grieving mother.jpg

 

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Thank you for your reply, and you are right, lots of what ifs. And its true, no matter what he died of, nothing will bring him back and I will love him unconditionally forever. 

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Silky it is good you found us but I also acknowledge that it is also really sad because you lost your child. The exhaustion is extremely common. firstly because you can't sleep or when you do you get nightmares, or you are afraid to sleep. secondly, crying and grieving is exhausting physically as well as mentally. I used to be in a complete daze not knowing what was going on or being able to hold any information in my brain, but  my brain was also too wired to sleep. That is because you have an enormous amount of very distressing thoughts to process and its overwhelming. The brain goes into overdrive asking questions, trying to retrieve memories of when you last saw or spoke to your child, having to plan funerals etc it is horrifying and that is all too much so you become numbed. that is your brain trying to cope and it is par for the course I'm afraid. After a while the fog clears and you are able to process a little at a time, clarifying in your mind facts and decisions as you very slowly realise your child is really gone. However just remember they are only gone from your sight, your son is still with you by your side and in your heart. He is not gone forever just for right now ok? So hold that in your heart.

Danng I hope that you do get some answers for your own peace of mind but we have all had questions especially "why" and"why my kid" ,and some you will get answers to and some you will not, and you will have to eventually accept that. We all lost our precious children through no fault of our own whether it was a traffic accident or fall, illness, murder or suicide. Eventually you come to realise that how they died is not really important, what is important is that they died. However I must add that in some cases laws were changed or road signs added or charges brought against guilty individuals etc, so sometimes there is a more positive outcome which is great if it happens. i guess initially we want someone or something to blame or to be angry with which is very normal. As time goes by the feelings and emotions change, you realise somethings are not important, or that it was wrong place wrong time, or you realise being angry is not helpful to your health and you settle down and go onto the next stage of grief. It is a very individual process some stages are missed or you go back to a stage which you thought you had dealt with. It is a desperately sad, emotionally and physically draining, life altering forever journey. but there will be an end to it although it takes many months. You have to endure the gut wrenching pain to come out whole in body mind and spirit and it takes great courage and being honest with yourself to do it. I get hating your new life it sucks totally and your life will be forever split into before and after. i am sorry you lost your son I lost my 24 year old son too. he was a former addict who did manage to get clean and that was even harder to accept for me because Tommy had beaten his demons and was doing so well and had a job, a place to live and a life that he was happy with. If your son did die because of drugs does it make it any worse or better? I don't think it matters how, but it matters that you lost him. but like I said to silky he is still with you by your side so don't lose hope ok? here we all understand what you guys are going through because we have been there, and we will encourage you to share when you can and feel you are not alone. You are not alone ok?

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Thank you Tommy's mom. I'd like to share this poem that gives me comfort when I read it.

IMG_0320.JPG

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Silky and Danng, what hardships you have been given...we certainly understand these days of early grief, and the twisted way it feels to live in a world without the presence of our Child/Children. Hang on with both hands as you find your way, and you will find your way. I know this because we did, we found a way to live through the early grief, minute by minute, then eventually hour to hour, later still, day by day and then we found our way to live a purposeful life after time wore on...Initially, ju7st learning to breathe and walk at the same time is a challenge, it is as though the shock of such a devastating event wiped out so much of what we knew, learned, wanted in life. We start over, though born into a heavy and dark place. I promise, 13.5 years on this road, that one day after much work and a lot of tears and breaks in one's spirit, you too will find the sun on your faces again, you will hear the birds in spring again, though maybe not this spring, perhaps next. We have the time to grieve, even if those around us don't understand us anymore, it is our grief, we have to be in it, we have to learn who we are in our grief. In all of that, you will find that your Child is always at home in your heart just as you are in theirs. Nothing destroys that connection of Parent and Child. That does nothing to help you right now I know, later though. Grief is a process, a long one, I will always grieve my Daughter, but I learned over time adn a lot of work, to live in the light that she left me, to shine her light as best I can. I am still here, so that is my job.

Come to us and tell us all you can or want, we are good listeners, and we are not afraid of your grief, we get it.

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Just want to clarify something I posted.  When I said I didn't care what the reason was we lost our son, it was not like I never cared to know.  I just meant that I was so rattled in that first month of wanting to know, needing to know why, sometimes that was all I thought about. After  we had his service I just resigned myself that he was gone.  Yes, I waited for the phone calls that never came, expected him to call or come in and say, " Wow you are not going to believe what happened to me."   But, it was never going to happen.  I knew he had not been in an accident, nor was there foul play but after a while I just  had to focus on the grief of his loss.  Churning his loss over and over  just made me not focus on  the how, just focused on missing him. I knew eventually we would get the how and why.  More of my whys were directed on  Why did God take him from us.....

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Hello

My name is Aaron and my wife and I lost our 16 year old son 2 weeks before Christmas this past year. Life is fucked up . My wife has pushed me away and we are now seperated. Just wondering if there is some1 going thru the similar thing.  I just don't know what 2 do.

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Good Evening Indigos  Thank you for being here and providing me with the support and love I so needed when I lost my only child Stephen 10 years ago.  Dee, Sherry, Trudi  Oh how you helped me

Betty  

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Sweet Betty, so so glad to see you again. I have dearly missed you and would love to stay in touch.

Aaron, the way life is now for you is definitely f-up. Many marriages suffer after the loss of a Child...because we change so much when we lose a Child it is hard for a couple to be in sync with loss. I am so sorry for the loss of your Son, just 16 years old. Tell us about him if and when you are ready. I am also sorry that you are out on your own right now. I hope that you have a support system of friends and family. Coming here is a good way to have a place in which to let it out and ask questions as you are already doing.

When I lost my Girl, a long time ago now, my husband and I definitely went through some hardship, I needed way more time to myself after Erica died. I am sure that I pushed him away as well. I was so paranoid after Eri was killed that I jumped whenever I heard a siren, and it was hard on him. Eventually however, we found our balance, he understood the time I needed to be alone. He is the Step Parent to my kids, and he never had kids of his own, so in some ways, he could not feel the depth of my loss. I did not blame him for that. He was supportive though, in many ways and even became the one to explain all the legal stuff to my first husband and to me in connection with Erica's death. My first husband even came to depend upon my husband, which was really something for him to do. My first husband died 5.5 years after our Daughter died.

I went to therapy at the 6 month mark after Erica died, and that helped me immensely, and being here in this space was a most helpful place to spill my heart without worry of being judged...

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Danng I found that peom too and read it many many times it was a comfort. Use whatever resources you have. I have a file of just such quotes to feed my pain and soothe my heart on bad days, also a file of inspirational quotes for better days to keep a balance.

Dee you can tell you are a seasoned survivor your clear and insightful thoughts with truth and compassion are so helpful. The fact that your second husband helped your first so much shows how lucky you are to have him in your life. i am single and have often thought it would be nice to have a significant other to be there esp as my children are grown and live in different cities. A cat helps but not the same!! Guess I am a stereotype now..... crazy cat lady!

Dianne I knew exactly what you meant and it is a truth that has to be faced with courage and strength and one that can be hard to hear. However we need honesty we don't need people to wrap up their words in cotton wool or sugar them  this is life, this is the way it is now. I have commented before on your compassionate writing and how it has helped me.

Vonbalt/Allen there is a way to add your signature to your posts which is nice because it feels more personal rather than a site name or not if you prefer. I am glad you came across to join us as there are many people on this site.

Betty hi I dont think I have met you before. I am sorry for your loss and hope you can offer your insights since you have been doing this a long time.

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Hi everybody, this weekend was terrible, cried all day, just being in such pain and feeling so lonely. I wanted to be dead. Is that normal ? I don't know how to get on like that. Feels like getting worse. Maybe someone can write me some helping words.

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Silky, in grief, it gets worse before it gets better for sure. I would just say that most of us also wished to be gone after we lost our Baby. It is hard to proceed int his world without them. We wonder why we should, what is the point? But we are still here, and for some reason, I knew that that meant I needed to stand where Erica no longer could. I had to live as best I could as I inched along trying to scratch out a life again. But yes, it gets worse, as shock wears away, the pain both physical and emotional, gets worse. I remember calling my husband at the three month mark, I was at school and suddenly without warning, the layer of shock that I did not even know was there, fell away, and I called him weeping, wondering if I should come home...I was so bruised and broken at that junction. Like you, like all of us who suffer this horrid event in our lives, we are broken. It takes time to put our pieces back together again, and they will never fit as they once did, but they will fashion themselves in a form that you will come to love again. Promise.

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Silky, I too have been down that dark road of just wanting it to end. On one of the multitudes of sleepless nights early on I sat in my chair holding a bottle of pills.  I thought I could not continue with the pain. Condensing all the facts,  I know this sounds crazy but I heard my son's voice say, "Mom, eternity is forever.  Dad and Heather need you here." I guess that was like a slap in the face and I have not seriously thought that again.  I have had my "I cannot take this anymore" moments but I know he wanted me to rethink and stay here.  I am sure if he had been given a choice, so would he.  But it is true. Eternity is forever. I have worked hard these last 2.5 years but I have made progress. Has it been easy? NOPE! But that is 2.5 more years with my husband, my daughter and granddaughter.  I have had other things knock me down during this but I have learned to get back up, albeit slowly sometimes.  I have had great support from those here who are ahead of me on this journey. They give me hope everytime I come on that I will manage.  They have shared their stories and mostly their compassion.  Those early days are the worst no one who has not experienced them can imagine. It gets different with time, some better, some worse but for now just keep telling yourself it is a minute, or an hour at a time.  Eventually it will be a day....

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On 12/30/2016 at 7:16 PM, ericasmom said:

 

still with this header, don't know how to remove it.
Hi group! I have been trying to read here everyday, but really difficult right now. Last week .my eyesight took a really bad turn.
 
My left eye, which had been the better of the two, suddenly became very cloudy and blurred, and the eye doctor,
who is a retina specialist, determined that I had a build up of fluid in my eye and did a laser procedure creating a tiny
opening in my iris to allow circulation of the fluids. It didn't hurt too much at first, 
but throbbed for hours afterwards, and if was last Thursday, the same day the viewing for my friend, Robyn,
that died of the brain anurism. My daughter took me and it took almost an hour in line outside the funeral home as
there was such a line of friends and co-workers there. It was good to speak to and hug all the family, her husband, her
two precious 13 year old twins, her mom and brother and brothers and sister-in-laws. Such a closeknit and
spiritually strong family. Robyn's husband, his brothers and his dad are or were all watermen in Deal Island, MD. Near where I grew up. I was exhausted and my eye really hurting by the time I got home.
 

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Wow! The header is gone!! Really don't know how that happened!

I am so very sorry to see all the new parents here, just breaks my heart because we do know the pain of losing a child. I lost my youngest child going on six years ago.His name was Jared, and he was only 15, and was hit from behind by an impaired/ distracted driver (imo), as he was skateboarding just 1/4 mile from our country home. I found this site about two months after losing my baby, and the first person to respond to me and direct me to post here was Betty! Thank you so much, Betty, and so good to see your post! Dee and Sherry were here already, and some others that don't post anymore or not as often. All that were here listened as I poured out my heart in ways that I couldn't to friends and even to family. People just don't understand unless they've been through it. Come back and tell us about your children who we will refer to now as your angels, who still watch over you and whom we will be reunited with someday. I believe and trust in that with all of my heart and soul. 

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Just wanted to share with you all the latest sign from my angel. This was the night after Robyn's viewing, and I heard this ringing a couple of days before, in the middle of the night and could not figure out where it was coming from. The first time it was an intermittent ringing, like a phone, but there is no phone anywhere near this corner. I decided the next time it happened, if it did, that I would record it! I haven't shared this with anyone outside of my husband and daughter, fearing they would think I'd slipped off the deep end. I haven't, trust me! You can see from the video that I was watching TV when it started, and turned off the TV to see if it was in anyway associated with the TV or speakers, but no.

 

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Hi,

I am new to this. First of all, I am so sorry for all of your losses. It has been 9 months since I lost my son suddenly at age 30. Nothing can describe this horrible heart wrenching, unimaginable pain that I feel. I have been to griefshare which helped very much. I was moving along okay for a month and then ambushed by grief yet again. I don't go a minute without thinking of him. I too am so exhausted from this grief and want it to go away. I think my body found a way to protect me for that one month because my body could't take it anymore. I am going to see a counselor tomorrow and I know this will help me. The hospice by me is starting a coffee group next week for parents that have lost their adult child, so this too will help. I all of a sudden feel immobilized and can't seem to function again. I was really hoping to move forward and am wondering if anyone can tell me if there is anything else I can do. The poems just make me cry so hard. Any affirmations or anything that will help on a daily basis?

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