momofJustin

Loss of an Adult Child

59,476 posts in this topic

Cheryl....so glad the day was sunny....and it is at those milestones when we are focused on the broken circle...but we put our invisible Superman cape around ourselves and shine the light for the family. I have always said...John David wasn't the only child I love...he was the only child that died. There is a special kind of grief for siblings and family members....who suffer....not like the parent but they have invested loving memories they are dealing with and yet...they have to move forward. As parents...Grandparents....we have a responsibility in supporting them. Along our grief journey I think we can teach our other children how to travel through the tragedies of life and not let them shrink or devastate us to the point of not living to our/their potential.

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Oh Wade I cried when I saw the photo again thank you xxx

Diane I wish to be strong like you.  James left so many sketch books lots of words beautiful words he could of been a writer he wrote from his heart but I can't even look at them I've tried but I get distraught.  I'm so happy you found strength and then the joy in looking through it.  Xxx

Gretchen Thankyou I remember your story of the dragonfly xx

Dee Thankyou for your kind words I don't know what I'd do without you all xxx

Susan Thankyou I wish I could think of my colleague as trying to help but she said everything in the way the artical on ' grief bulling' decribes. She feels were in the same boat as she lost her dad and husband but it's not the same as loosing your child I can't say that to her and I wouldn't but it's another battle I could do without. X

God Bless xx

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Yikes......I am so behind. :o  Will try to get caught up.

 

Wade-----So glad to see your post.   I think that it's not unusual for

us to think that we are 'ok' after awhile, only to have a setback, as

you mentioned.  As you said,  we are so hopeful that we can make progress

on this painful road.  It's the pattern of grief after losing a child.......several

steps forward, then some steps back.   So sorry for the recent death of

Brook's friend, and others.  These deaths are difficult to deal with when

grief is so raw & painful .  Thanks for the pic of the deer at Brooks' grave site.

 

Dianne-----So nice that you found the book and that it brought you so much

comfort & warmth,  remembering your dear son.

 

Georgina-----Thanks for posting that lovely song by the Dixie Chicks. I had

never heard it, and the words are so beautiful. 

 

Thanks to EVERYONE  for all the nice pics pics and posts.....I'm still reading.

 

PEACE   AND   COMFORT   TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry

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Thanks to all for the kind comments about my moment with Michael's sketches. After many tears it did turn into a good moment.  There is also a box with a lot of his writings but I am not yet ready to open. ( We had started a very rough draft for a story for pre-adolescent boys and I am sure his work is in there; so are his songs and musings.)

Wade, that picture of the deer and your son's spot is priceless.  Animals have a sense of kindness and safety and an inside sense of comfort.

Susan, Mom and son look happy and content.  Beautiful pictures.

Cheryl, glad to hear the graduation was all your granddaughter deserved and worked for.  Feeling your son's pride had to be wonderful for all of you.

Dee, can I include Michael in the exuberance of Erica and Brooks with the CUBS win....? .... he got to partake in a few promotions with them during his early career years while working for Kevin Matthews and Steve Dahl.  And, of course, he was raised a Cubs fan.

6 hours ago, Tommy's mum said:

i know my son would be terribly affected to see my raw grief and long to hug me but he cant. i hope he sees my tears as an expression of love for him and the mourning because I miss him so much

How well said. Early on someone here told me that tears are the love you have inside for your child.  I will never forget that.

Georgina, I am not sure strength is there for me but I am trying so hard to balance good and sad thoughts.  Mostly sad is still winning but I am trying to carry this heavy bag.

Sherry, thanks for giving Michael a remembrance. Without you and the many here I would still be at the very bottom of the well. Somedays I think I almost see a small shard of light.  But I know I have a long way to go.....

Kindness, light and comfort to all.

 

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Oh that pretty smile on Michael's face, and dancing and singing as the CUBS won the World Series, by all means, I think many of Our Kids were/are thrilled by this win...

Remember that your love is as strong as the love your Child has for you, unending and complete.

Here is my shaft of light, that appeared one morning while I was walking in the forest preserve, months after Erica died, maybe even a year, but I don't remember now...I said aloud, " Erica where are you?" And then this beautiful shaft of light was in front of me in answer to my question it seems. She was right there all along.

 

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I remember that day you posted this photo, Dee, it gave me a shot of 'hope' and 'truth' of the love and bond between a Mama and her girl (child) can never ...ever be broken....I have a copy of it on my wall here in my office...

 

Dianne....I believe that as parents grow in their 'grief'...we reach levels where we can read, touch and re-visit things our child created..touched...wrote...they become our small sacred treasures...

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Susan, you are right about that.---sacred treasure is a beautiful way to put it.  I was rather proud of myself for feeling a "good" moment.  I know the are still a gazillion bad ones peeking around the corner but I will take that good moment and the closeness I felt .

Dee, I love that picture. I take my beliefs seriously and that  shows a very big one at work.

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Dee that picture is beautiful. I wish I was computer literate enough to post pictures etc. I think we will always look for signs from our children because they give us hope for the future and helps our healing. I love to hear about others experiences, because these love signs are so infrequent and so valuable to our hearts. I hope I don't miss any, but sometimes it is just a warm feeling when you experience something beautiful in Nature, a single flower in winter, a sunset, snowflakes, a crashing sea, a beautiful pebble, there are a hundred ways, don't you think? I begged for a shooting star and got one immediately, there was the biggest brightest rainbow stretching across my road on the day of Tommy's funeral, and twice I have seen a young man (different young men ) who looked exactly like my son, wearing the kind of clothes he wore. As parents we embrace these signs because we love so deeply and long to reconnect across the atmosphere because we cannot hug and kiss them physically for now. I believe they are always with us helping us get through difficult times and rejoicing when we acheive things and make steps towards recovering. Dianne take pride in your good moments you are making so much progress and it will make the gazillion awful moments easier to bear. You made it through and finding michaels sketches must have been both powerful and joyful yet at the same time so desperately sad.  Ericasmom you are right love goes both ways for parent and child it is an unbreakable bond undamaged by distance and time just waiting for the day when we are finally reunited again. To everyone Celebrating birthdays and anniversaries are incredibly hard to bear but as we pass each one we get a little stronger.

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Wade, I have been thinking of you the past few days. I imagine that the funeral is now over. How is everyone doing? How are you?

Sunday...SUPER BOWL! BRING IT ON!

Fleetwood Mac...40 years tomorrow. Rumors album.

Becky, let us know how your appts. went. Hope everything is fine.

Georgina, in time you will be able to go through James treasures and not feel as overwhelmed as you do now. In fact, you will come to treasure those keepsakes. I know that I do.

They had the funerals today for a few of the Muslim men that were killed on Sunday. They played an important part in giving back to their community. One was a Lawyer, a Pharmacist, and University Professor, a Store owner, etc. They volunteered with kids and were highly regarded by all. How sad.

Dee, thank you for sharing the shaft of light picture. It is always a sign of hope to us all.

Wishing all of you a very peaceful weekend.

 

Love to All, Kate :)

 

 

 

 

 

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Wade, good to see your Brooks face here tonight...

I am sorry if I missed any angelversarys or other special events...may you all know your angels are close. I have a sharing to post here that just occurred on Jan 27. It is about my older sister Julie, who was also killed by being ran over...I am reposting what I wrote about this event: Love never dies.

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I had a older sister that passed in 2003. We all believe she knew her time was near as afterwards, we found cards that she had gotten for us that would be for the entire rest of the year, like birthday, easter, most were were filled out. (she was ran over as a pedestrian)...

Now shortly before she passed, she had wanted to take my younger sister out to a steak dinner for a birthday. My younger sister's fiance was to be included. However, my older sister passed before that dinner occurred, she passed in May.
Now, this last Friday -- Jan 27, my younger sister went out with her fiance to a steak house. Now, this particular restaurant is across from the cemetery where my older sister is buried.
There was a long line to wait, it was to be about 45 minutes.
However, a waitress noticed that my younger sister and her fiance waiting, and asked how many were in their party and my sister said only the 2 of them. The waitress, said she didn't know why, but she felt drawn to them. (my sister didn't know what to make of this, for a random stranger to say that)...
The waitress sat my sister and fiance down at the table for 2 and was their server throughout the evening. My sister's fiance commented that maybe my older sister had a hand in this...well after they had been seated, certain songs kept coming on the overhead which would have been my sister's kind of music, (like early retro music from the 70s) It was unnerving for my younger sister. And the waitress kept repeating to my younger sister throughout that evening how drawn she was to them---synchronicity??
Now at the end of the dinner, my younger sister was exhausted thinking about my older sister and all the songs on the overhead which kept playing which were my older sister's genre...
Finally, before my sister left the steak restaurant, the waitress told her again that she felt a connection with her, and if she ever needed anything, to look her up. The waitress said her name was JULIE.
My deceased sister's name is JULIE.

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Hello my friends,

Dee, you are our rock here.  Thinking of you and your newer role as Grandma...lucky ladie.  Forever saying Erica's name.

Susan, beautiful new life is a true celebration.  Enjoy every minute.

Wade, so good to see your post.  I visit often, but posting has been difficult.  At three years, reality is slapping you in the face...over and over.  This's too, will soften with time.  We will forever say Brook's name.

Cheryl, you are so new to this journey, that none of us want to be on.  I love this place.  No judgement, only love and acceptance from those who know.  Here we say there names, Tony!

Hello Gretchen, Georgina, Kate, Sandy, Laurie and all those on here for comfort.

Tommy's Mom, I would like to "ring-in" on acceptance.  Personally, I will never accept the fact that my son died car-surfing, it just does not compute.  What I will accept is my life because of Brian's death.  Brian's death was senseless.  A piece of my heart died that day too.  My family has found our new life and we have found happiness again.  But, I will forever ache for my boy.

Thanks for being you

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

 

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Colleen, so good to see you here.I hope that you are well and happy and that the Family is enjoying life in all of its gifts. I know the ache of loss remains, it is part of this whole experience, but Brian will always be smiling on you and with you.

I am off to the school carnival...yikes, all day Saturday with a school filled with folks. I will be tired but hopefully, our Student Council Silent Auction will raise good money for Syrian Refugees, our targeted recipients of our collection.

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Laurie, wow...I got chills reading about the outing. My goodness, Julie is definitely giving you a heads up she is supporting you all!

Dee, good luck with your fund raising! A wonderful cause for sure.

Colleen, good to hear from you. I am so happy that you post how there is light at the end of this tunnel and happiness will once again be found after a determined time of grieving.

Kudos to the Doctors from the States that contacted the Toronto Sick Children's Hospital to ask them to take children that require life saving surgeries that they can no longer perform... due to the fact these kids are on the list of banned countries of origin...and without the surgery they will die. Also, prayers for the refugees from Ghana that walked in freezing weather to safety at the Emerson border. They suffered frostbite to their toes and fingers and had to have them amputated this week. Prayers for a return to sanity!

 

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Laurie...what an amazing story....thank you for sharing....stories like this one....makes me know that the bond and love from our loved ones is never broken...love continues....and we simply have to learn to listen on a different level...always ready to see or hear a cue....

 

I think the word acceptance has no description in the vocabulary of a parent that has lost a child....it just does not exist in the same sentence...or thought..or heart when I say John David.

Colleen....we are all lifted up when we read your postings....you are farther along the grief journey...and you wave to us...giving us a trail to follow...

 

 

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thanks everyone for your kind ' aft ' thoughts . i guess ive just learned to walk away from controversy . if my son would have had a handful of 9 mm , his attacker would be ashes right now instead of jake . noone will ever cleanse the american people  of firearms -- it just aint going to happen . ive made 3 different ones myself years ago just to pass the menotonous ( sp ) hours at work . 

im making pepperoni sausages today . its going about as well as one would expect . absolutely delicious sausages but im baking both in the oven and atop of the wood stove . the place is pretty dam smokey iz what im sayiin . the sausages ROCK .. thats the best i can do -- i do not lose focus easily ..

bout 50 lbs of pepperoni links -- they'll be great as cold snacks or heated and slapped on a bun or brotchen roll ..

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BOB! You are back! How nice to see you today. I get walking away from controversy though I rarely do...I was the shyest kid ever, cried when folks paid any attention to me, did not know how to speak up for myself and certainly was not treated respectfully at home, (father was a pedophile). So once I learned to stand up for myself, to stand up for my beliefs, and for the rights of others, I could not help but  continue.

It is good to know that you are finding ways like cooking to put your energies into. I have never known anyone to make pepperoni sausage. Do you have to let them cure? Or is it using pepperoni in your sausage?  So have the police or detectives found any more leads?

Dee

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Laurie, I love that post that you reposted...Your Sis had a strong need to let you feel her presence and her strength and I am so glad that  you did/do. Thank you Sweet Woman. I think of you often and fhope that this extra work that you are doing provides what you need it to provide and that you stay in good health.

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My beautiful granddaughter, Alexis Stewart.  She graduated early with a GPA 4.3.  My son would have been very proud of her!!!  She and Tony had the same injuries only one lived and the other died.  Alexis broken every bone is her face, fracture her skull, cracked ribs and she never complained.  She says all the time, "I am glad I had 17 yrs 2 months and 2 days with my Dad, he had already instilled good values me." She is a very caring, intelligent young lady.  It was  good day!

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Cheryl, your granddaughter is absolutely gorgeous! You must be so proud of her.

Bob, I understand that making guns is quite an art form. My only experience was a few years back when we were staying with friends in Arlington, Vermont. Our hosts took my husband for the day to upper state New York for trap shooting. He had never shot a gun before. Everyone else in his party had their own. One of the guys was the then President of Beretta Guns USA. At the end of the day he offered to give my husband a shotgun to take to our cottage for over the fireplace. My husband was excited about the idea. I would not allow him to accept it. He went on and on about how beautiful it was. I do believe the most beautiful gun in existence was the one I saw while staying at King Ranch. The men were in meetings and I had the free roam of the house. I saw a shotgun in a glass case mounted on the wall in one part of the house. Henrietta King was pictured in an open car standing with that gun in her hands and heading out for a day of hunting. She looked like she meant business. Not too far from that case was another case that held the biggest snake skin that I could ever have imagined. It made me really nervous I have to tell you...as it had been killed on the ranch. They have  3/4 million acres and over five hundred miles of paved road on the ranch. Texas has so many snakes. After seeing that baby I could not sit comfortably around the pool... as every sound made me jump. They had peacocks roaming around the place and so there was a lot of movement going on. Had I seen a snake that gun would have been out of that case in a jiffy. How long did it take you make your rifles? Have you pictures? Hope you pepperoni turned out good.

Laurie, I'm still getting chills from your post. What timing for everyone. She is definitely letting you know she is still with you offering her support.

Super Bowl Sunday today. One of Jeff's favourites. Beer, snacks, friends, and the whole nine yards. Have a good day everyone.

Kate

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Cheryl, your granddaughter is beautiful.  You must be so proud of her.  I know the graduation had to go a little tearing at your heart but it looks like her smile reflects all of the pride and love she feels from her family.

Bob, welcome back. We used to have a woodburning stove in our old house but just never thought to cook on it.  Those were the rage back then and we used it to heat our whole house for as long into winter as possible. The longest it made it was until Jan 27 then we had to supplement with the furnace... but it was a lot of work handling that wood!

Laurie, what an amazing story! Stories like that and my faith keep me afloat.  Glad to see you post...hoping things are going ok with and your son is fully recovered from the surgery in the Fall.  Hope things have worked out well for you with your grandson.

Wendy, thinking of you and hope you are doing ok after your loss of your mom. 

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Cheryl....when I go to my Grandchildren's graduations from High School and College...one can almost feel the passage of time...we are not aware of time passing in our daily lives....but milestones like that can't help but travel back to the time they started First Grade...with her great grades she will have a firm foundation to what ever she wants to achieve. She is a lovely girl....wow....she must have had a great stupendous Plastic Surgeon if every bone was broken in her face...I can not see any scar at all. Gifted hands for sure.

Bob...I have a lot of respect for people that know how to cook food from scratch...my Aunt and Uncle had a cabin on their country property and there was a wood stove in it...my Aunt would tell me it baked up the best cakes ever. How is the investigation going for your son ? You are doing a good 'self care' for yourself...I think when a parent can keep their hands busy...creating food...art...garden...flower bed...cleaning house...will not dip into a 'deep' depression....with this kind of grief one will have a normal depression...which means...it is 'ok' not to be 'ok'....

Kate....King Ranch is so grand...am so happy you got the chance to experience it . My brood mare came from King Ranch...a Waggoner Mare...Quarter Horse...she birthed a filly and a colt. I , too, woke up this morning remembering John David cooking up Bar-B-Que and Wings...at the last Super Bowl we shared. We haven't hosted one since.

Am posting some sunsets....when I watch a sunrise or sunset...I can't help but think we are a part of something so grand..and our child is still a part of it all...unanswered questions....answered prayers.

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What pretty sunset photos Susan, thanks. I love the way nature reminds us of the miracles that occur each day, the unanswered until we are in the wind.

 

Cheryl, your Grandgirl is gorgeous...what a great day for you all, a way to join everyone together to show the family that even in the depth of loss, life does and must still go on. I hope that she will always know the love of her Daddy and all of you, and that she carry that light to shine everywhere she can. She worked hard to not only heal, but surpass.

 

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coleen and mermaidtears i am sad you cant find acceptance, and I apologise if you were offended by my words.My beloved son is gone forever and i will never be ok with that, it is not the natural order of things and i miss him every day. However I have been able to accept that  although my Tommy has died, he lives on in his siblings and in my heart. I know I could not have changed or prevented anything that happenened that fateful night and I chose to forgive the teenage friend Tommy saved even though it was the kids fault Tommy climbed out on the ledge. I don't want to be eaten up with bitterness over the fact Patrick survived and my Tommy did not. I understand Patrick had depressive issues and I let him know it was an accident  because he has to live with the knowledge he killed his friend every day and that has to be an awful burden to carry. I have been through hell and back because of losing my son. (we all have) life will never ever be the same but I want to honour Tommy's name by volunteering and raising money for charity so he can look down and see me healing and learning to be ok and be proud that I am trying. Acceptance I guess means different things to different people. For me it means finding some peace and learning to live again.

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tommy's Mum....Please....you did not offend me in the least....and I am sorry if my words led you to think that.

I  am sure 'most' people have certain persons in their circle..(not inner circle) that are 'offended' all the time....it can be a word or phrase that can become a sinister theme to their day or week...and they have to let everyone know 'just how' they are offended by what another said. I learned years and years ago to stay far away from people like that....I may not be able to steer completely away from them because of social activities....but I would not ever invite them to my home...or a gathering.

Let's face it...when a parent has this kind of grief....they no longer sweat the small things....

I still think the word acceptance will always have a different definition to each parent...for their grief is as unique as their child is unique. I so admire you in honoring your son in your choosing to volunteer and raising money for charity....that is so much better than sitting in a dark room and crying every day. You are using your grief to become a viable person in your community...rather than becoming bitter. We will each find a way to honor...remember...our child. We all come from different backgrounds...environments...so there is no cookie cutter way for us to do what we feel is a true manner to cherish our child.

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Susan, wise words indeed. Thank you for sharing those pictures. Nature has a way of offering solace to a hurting heart. How is your little wee one doing these days... and his Momma? We did enjoy our time at the ranch and the Texan hospitality was beyond belief. They had the Cups proudly displayed in their dining room. The Kentucky Derby, Belmont Stakes, Triple Crown, among a few. They were really something to see. They sent us home with their own homemade chili sauce. I can honestly say that I have never tasted anything so hot in my life. Those peppers were a killer. Jeff loved it. By the time we worked our way to the end of the jars I will say it had grown on me.

Off to watch the game. Sending wishes to all for a restful evening.

Kate

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