momofJustin

Loss of an Adult Child

59,036 posts in this topic

On 12/30/2016 at 7:16 PM, ericasmom said:

I have no idea where that heading came from, must have hit something wrong...

Hello all, sorry to be away for so long, but I had another eye injection and for days afterwards I just cannot hardly see at all, extremely light sensitive. It is better now as far as pain, but can't yet see a great deal of difference in my sight. For a few days I had what looked like a tiny black spider or fly hanging from my eyebrow. Very disconcerting, as I don't like spiders. I may have as many as four or five more injections to look forward to. I only can hope and pray that it will help. This condition, called DME, is from leaking blood vessels in the back of the eye causing distortion in the central vision, and is most likely related to my being insulin dependent Diabetic. So many of my health issues are.IMG_20170120_124846.jpg this was my eye after the first injection, not as bad on the 2nd one.

 

In my opinion though, my health took a definite downward spiral after losing my baby boy, Jared. The stress and pain is horrible enough without adding to it that he just didn't die, but was killed by someone never charged or even apologetic for her actions, and the duration of harrassment from her towards my family because she knew we sought justice. We have not heard or seen her for about a year now, not since she tried to charge my daughter with various false accusations and my daughter was found not guilty. Hopefully, she will just leave us alone!

I am trying to catch up here with reading, but it's slow going. 

Wendy, I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. I lost my dad about a year and a half ago, and though not in the same category as losing a child, it is painful. My dad was my 'go to' person, and I miss him a lot. Although I can't physically do anything for my mother, now living alone, I do call her and listen to her and encourage her to talk about him. Like you, Dee, I have had a difficult relationship with my mother. She has done some horrible things to me in my lifetime. I made the decision a long time ago to just let it go and to try to have a relationship. Sometimes it makes me question my decision, when she says certain things that show me her character is really unchanged. I remember showing her the tattoo I had done on my wrist for Jared, her response to it was, "that's gross", as she doesn't believe woman should ever tattoo themselves. 

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Thank you Kate, Dee, and others that have wondered if I was ok, I appreciate you thinking of me.

Susan, that little boy, Veto, is so precious! You have a beautiful family. Here is a new pic of my little grandie, Libby. She's now a month old.

12006.jpeg I wish I could drive and visit with her, but not yet. My daughter, Jasmine, drives me to all my appointments, but she had found a new job, so I don't get out as much now. I am so happy for her to have found  a job and to have met her new boss, who seems to be really fond of Jasmine and appreciates her talents. She will be able to do facials now in addition to manicures and pedicures, and her boss seems excited to explore the potential to sell Jasmine's home made soaps and scrubs, so all very positive developments.

My husband, Jerry, goes next week for a follow-up after having his one kidney removed due to cancer this past September. He's been feeling well, so we hope and pray he continues with good health, as he is now the backbone of our family. 

I too,  hope Bob returns to posting here. How boring would life be if everyone was exactly the same? Opposing views as long as they are not mean spirited, should be welcomed, as it helps us to expand our thinking, and stretch ourselves a bit. 

The weather here has really warmed in the last few days, in the 50s F. Welcomed after the snowy cold weeks for sure. I love to see snow, just no longer like to go out in it.

Jasmine will take me this afternoon to my dentist to continue my plan which will include pulling the remaining five teeth on top and making a denture as my teeth were breaking and falling out due to bone loss. Just had the roots of two broken molars out and have to wait for healing before moving on. I am not liking old age! Turned 62 on the 18th, feel like 82 most days. 

Gretchen, I love your little studio space! That is wonderful! I have not been able to create any new pictures or poems for quite a while. Maybe if my eyesight gets better... One can only hope. 

Much love to all here!

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On 12/30/2016 at 7:16 PM, ericasmom said:

 

Everytime I try to post, this same heading comes up??
Here is a link to my online diary for anyone I retested in my grief journey with pictures and poems when I was still able to get on the computer.  
.
 

 

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Becky...our Warrior Mom....eeks.....injections in the eye ? I flinch to even read about it.....but...if it helps with your eyesight...am sure it is worth it. I do hope with the eye treatments...and getting the bad teeth out..(people do not realize how bad teeth can cause serious health issues)...that come this Spring...you will have a re-growth in your health and healing. Your Libby is so feminine...love that name....I have a Granddaughter we call Pibby..(her name is Presli).

I think there must be a very forever hurt...a daughter must carry when her Mother does not cherish and nurture her. Becky, Dee and Dianne....ya'll certainly didn't follow in your Mother's footsteps. I have friends that had horrible parents/home life....some turned out to be the greatest parents, loving and kind....some turned out to be just like their parents. Makes one wonder what makes or breaks the mold. As Essie said...some parents teach their children how not to be.

Tommy's Mum.....those are wise words...aren't we stunned that the world did not stop ? The sun rose...the sun set....Monday followed Sunday....September followed August....our world as we knew it DID stop....and then we lived second to second..day by day...slowly learning to live in our 'new normal'....life does go on...life is for the living. We simply cannot sacrifice our family...our children...our traditions...the jokes we share...because our child died. John David was not the only child I loved...he was the only child that died. No matter....I am not the same...but still a work in progress.

Good news...Tay took Veto to the pediatrician and he gained weight....so ...no trip back to the hospital.

Love that shirt, Dee....I am seriously thinking of having some made...

 

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Right on to that screen shot Susan, and feel free to borrow the picture for your tees. The front was the same font, saying: ERI-fest 2008. In 2013, we did a different shirt, it said, ERI-fest- 2013, and the back said: IT"S A PINK THING!    So glad that Veto is gaining weight.

Becky, wow what ache and pain you have had to withstand, I am sorry, but am praying that these injections will finally solve the vision problem. Until then, can someone install dragonspeak on your computer so that you can speak  your thoughts and have them typed? Little Lily is so pretty, what a lovely little person she is. I am glad for your daughter Becky, she is following her star.

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Becky--------So sorry for your eye infection problems.  Prayers that it will

clear up soon.  Thanks for the pic of your lovely little grandie , Libby.  She is a

beautiful baby.  Also, sending prayers for your husband.  Peace to your whole family.

 

Dee-----glad that you are feeling better.  Hope your voice is back to normal soon.

That's a very nice t-shirt design. 

 

TommysMum------I , so, agree that  after the loss of a dear child, the next day comes

along as usual, and the next month, and the next  year etc.   We  just wonder how this can be,

when our whole world just fell apart, and we're in shock.......especially in those early

times after our angels left this world too soon.  The way the world goes on......the

"business as usual"  way,  is such an affront to the grieving parent.  One wonders

"how can this be"?   It is so surreal that it just defies description.  Somehow, we 

survive....the best way we can.....not easy,  I know.  Wishing you peace & comfort, friend.

 

Susan------Love the pics of sweet little Veto.  He will make the whole family happy.  Babies

have a way of doing that. :)

 

PEACE   &    COMFORT    TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry

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there is a lot of healing in those tiny hands....I have been un-cluttering....I decided to give myself a gift....to start the new year off in positive note....I looked around one day in December and realized I needed to update my home. I had not noticed that I had not changed 'anything' since John David passed....not really....and with 2 new additions to our family....I needed to change our photo frames..and re -design my walls. Perk up the home. My great aunt was an Interior Designer..she had a very chic shop in Houston....she told me years and years ago to put some yellow and red in each room....it could be a vase...teapot....flower pot...dish...it did not have to be large...but that would perk up a room. I feel as if my home is brown and grey....in complete image of what my inner spirit feels like. It really isn't...I guess when our way of living seems to be a desperate act of 'just going second to second...day to day....to survive'....we have to let some things go in order to learn to live in our 'new normal'. I also stopped reading books...and books have been such a big part of the fabric of my life...but....for the sake of me....I could no longer sink into the couch or favorite outside chair and fall into a book...like I use to. I would not be able to focus on the words...the story....I would always start thinking of John David..grief would cover me and I would have to get up...breathe...think...get my hands busy. I want to start reading again. I need to clean out closets..pantry...office is organized chaos. I think this will give me a feeling of 'some control'....as all the parents on this site knows...when we lose a child...we discover we really had no control at all in being able to save our child...your inner world/belief system has to be completely over hauled.

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Susan, you are so right.Tim and I have been "purging" in our basement and garage. We had the main bathroom repainted ( I would have painted but it was painted from my 'faux finish" days and had 2 different textures and metallic) Now we are getting new counters and adding a full backsplash in the kitchen. We replaced the dishwasher-- it worked but was over 25 years old.  Last summer we did all the outside painting--fence, porch, deck, balcony. We had the master bath remodeled.  All of this is to keep my hope alive to sell and be closer to Heather.  But on the other hand it not only helped to tackle 25 years in our house but kept busy and focused on things other than loss.--works okay for the most part but Michael was a child in this house and while we are here we will always refer to Michael's room; Heather's room. We also have "stuff" that was sent to us when we lost Michael but those boxes remain untouched.  Still not ready to look through them. But I am proud of me for using the word HOPE.

Becky, hope those injections help. Positive thoughts for you.

Georgina, thinking of you.

I was reading through other posts and found one that really touched me. This was posted by Louise Plummer who lost her husband.  I asked her for  permission to post it here because I really thought she came across a very good article.  I know recently I was hit with a "Let it go"  and that goes straight to the heart. I hope it can touch someone else.  

In my search for ways to help myself, I've read a few theories of grief, and some of them have felt extremely threatening to me. I want to share in case it's handy to somebody else. I've felt a groundedness this week though about proceeding through my grief with the model of "continuing bonds" :) I think my understanding is becoming more concrete. I can fully understand now why other models based in "letting go", detachment, withdrawal of emotional energy from the deceased (a great big neon NO flashed through my mind at that one) etc. were distressing and even offensive to me. I had feelings of inadequacy and fear of being seen to reject what is thought to be helpful - and there are times in grief where we don't know our ass from our elbow, we look for answers, and for me that means sometimes taking things on too readily. I thought my greater levels of upset might mean that I'm "not ready" for some of the steps proposed in these models, but as it turns out, they're just not right for me and that's okay - they're theories, not holy writ ;) I can't and won't do anything that asks me to let go of my sweetheart - it is completely counter-intuitive.

Continuing bonds offers me the possibility of going into the future (that sounds so much nicer than "moving on") AND still having a relationship with my Ken at whatever level I can too. It makes it possible to want to heal, because I know I don't have to leave him behind and "move on" - past and future can have some sort of continuity. I'm sure I'm not the only grieving person to feel massive relief at understanding that you don't HAVE to "let go" and if you don't, it doesn't mean you're "choosing" to remain mired in grief...

I don't want to throw babies out with bathwater - some parts of Worden's 4-stage theory have merit. But it still implies that grief must necessarily have an endpoint at which it is successfully "completed", and I don't believe that, or at any rate, not for myself.

If anybody would like to read a terrific article about continuing bonds as a model for healing in grief, this one is great: http://www.whatsyourgrief.com/continuing-bonds-shifting-the-grief-paradigm/

"Death doesn’t end a relationship, it simply forges a new type of relationship—one based not on physical presence but on memory, spirit, and love. There are many wonderful books available that address acute grief and how to cope with it. But they often focus on crisis management and imply that there is an "end" to mourning, and fail to acknowledge grief’s ongoing impact and how it changes through the years"

Except for "Continuing Bonds," so much of what I read talks about "resolution" and "closure" etc. and I'm frankly a bit sick of seeing those terms - they don't at all resonate with me and it's nice to know this doesn't make me defective :) And those terrible twins, "Let Go" and "Move On" can go and do...rude things to themselves

Ok  thought I would share. Must be the 60 degree weather and SUN today--right up my alley.

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Hi Diane Thankyou for asking after me  I've been really struggling for the last few months and have been quite ill.  It's all too much isn't it and if you loose your way on this journey it can set you right back to where you started.  I thanked Dee, Sherry and Kate for giving me 'hope' but I just don't seem to be able to hold onto it and end up on this roller coaster being thrown every which way and upside down as well.  

I think the post Diane is brilliant too.  She actually explains the words ' let it go','move on' and 'closure' for what they are to us and how devistating it is to hear them said  I will use and cling to that there doesn't have to be an end and it doesn't mean I'm wrong   Thankyou you for sharing it  

We had one report back for our investigator.  He believes the lorry driver was distracted and can't believe this was not tested by the police. His investigation proves this theory this report has now gone to the Chief Coroner and Police.  So we just have to wait now it could take months for the authorities to reply which is hard for us.  But it feels like things are heading in the right direction. It's just emotionally exhausting.  Laurie Becky I know this was the same for you. 

Thinking of you all everyday and reading which helps so thank you God Bless xxx 

 

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heavens keeping I hope you get answers it does help a little but its all inside you to find your peace.

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Dianne, I do believe that bringing Erica along, picturing and at times feeling her on my shoulder, talking to her outloud whenever I felt I wanted to talk with her, is how I have found my life again, it started right away in our loss of Erica, I felt that she was here in a new way, that I needed to stay open to it, so that we could continue our relationship, and we do. WE do. My Daughter is in my everyday in a way that brings such a gratefulness to my life. She marched with me today, at the Chicago Women's March. Her love is strong, my love is constant, and it will never die...and I will always stand as her Momma and She will always be my Girl. And my missing her physical presence, the life I hoped to watch develop and change over time will never be quelled. So I balance that missing with the fact that there is no closure, not going to ever let it go! I will never let HER go! She is my Beloved Daughter. Those who suggest there is closure or an end to grief need to realize that there is an equal amount of love on this side of the equation as there is on the other side, like algebra, what is done on this side of the veil----is also on the other side.Once loved...forever loved.

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Dee- that was what I liked about that post.  I talk to Michael all the time and every once in a while I swear I can hear him laugh-- his special laugh that I love.  I am trying so hard to understand that he is with me even if not physically.  I am lucky that we have had two pretty convincing signs that Tim and I both witnessed and then there was Piper talking about Michael and his guitar when she wasn't old enough to know the term guitar.  So I am a believer in his presence with us. I did like the reinforcement that post had for me and wanted to share. Good for you with the Women's March.Heard that there were more than 4x the amount of participants.1459 more days to go....

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