momofJustin

Loss of an Adult Child

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Thinking of everyone as we begin yet another New Year. My goodness how can it be possible that another year has passed? We have had a quiet yet very lovely and peaceful few days. Our son and his family spent the holidays skiing in the mountains and so we were alone. At first we dreaded the thought of the idea. I have to say that it was probably the best Christmas we have spent since Jeff died. We are now at peace and just content to let it be. We kept busy with many different activities and also a lot of snow shoveling. <_< A two foot snow drift presented itself on Boxing Day on our deck. It was just crazy. Anyway, the skiers and snowmobile enthusiasts are beyond delighted. We have enjoyed several long walks, watched the entire Netflix series of The Crown and a few seasonal specials. Not much else happening here. I think of you all daily and hope that slowly your sadness will lift. Love to all, Kate

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ive just finished prepping my tax ledger for the tax w#ore  . sorry , this is my hill and i use the kind of language i want to . theres nobody here to tell me any different . 

been thinking about my oldest son a little bit today . ive loved him since he was a newborn who fit snugly in only one of my hands . ( big hands , lol ) 

if he needs to be angry with someone right now in order to distract his more distressing emotions -- its ok if hes angry with me . 

hate my guts / hug my nuts , whatever helps him to cope , im the dad , i can take a beating and not even break stride . im a father , not a GD pop star ..

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Bob, your words say it all---

2 hours ago, hoosier guy said:

im a father

While your oldest may have some struggles on his own, you are there for him.

Laurie, Georgina, hope you all are managing through this time of year.  Know that you are being thought of.

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thank you dianne . my older son doesnt get it . my murdered son and i would slam heads and  wink at each other at the same time . we were demanding the best from each other  -- cause we loved each other . no let up , no tolerance , we challenged each other . older son is as shallow as a GD paper saucer .. i  want to comfort him but hes ( intellectually ) so far above me that i dont think my help is needed  or appreciated . i dont think its a time for me to be indecisive . 

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Bob, that one sentence would be such a beautiful thing to let him know..." been thinking about my oldest son a little bit today . ive loved him since he was a newborn who fit snugly in only one of my hands . ( big hands , lol ) 

 -- The words you wrote are from the heart...

 ... we never know when that last time might be...I saw my son on a Sunday night and basically felt "prompted" to tell him how proud we were to be his parents, how much we loved him as we held him as a small baby, that Wednesday he was killed by some dumbs**t. I remember exactly where I was standing, how he walked out of his house...the total scene of that moment is forever etched in my mind and soul...

Looking back, I know that conversation was prompted by the Universe...or greater truths...

Dianne, thanks for asking...I have just been quietly reading along...

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Well my long post went to that mysterious hole so never mind

Thank you to those of you who shared your faith and thoughts.

Kate I'm glad you had a peaceful holiday. I will always treasure your story about the lady in the restaurant because when I heard that from YOU i began to have hope. When I left the hospital I believed I would learn to live again but when I had my own experience with words I believed to be from the other side my entire paradigm shifted. Thank you for sharing that story. It has given me something to hang onto these past difficult years

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Thanks Gretchen, I have much to be grateful for. I hope that it did help to give you comfort and hope.

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Altering

 

I must shift the load I carry,

I will one day hold it like a jewel,

the jewel of my Child,

he/she isn't heavy,

but the missing is.

 

Nothing would ever feel so cumbersome.

I will feel the load shift when I hold it differently,

when I learn to allow my memory to carve a cradle in which to rock,

and when I teach my heart to beat to the sound of my love again,

and when I realize that the wind on my face, the moon in the sky are gifts from heaven,

and when I see that the seasons changing are still a miraculous event,

and when I hear my Dear Child whisper to me in my dreams,

 that all is well,

then that load will shift and I will wear her/him like the jewel that they will always be.

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Laurie, what great insight you have with your suggestion to Bob. A lovely thought attached to your own story, we need to mark our time here with our truest feelings, making sure that those we love so very much, know it. Indeed.

 

No Woman, no cry is playing, a song we sang at Erica's funeral. I am trying to clean my office, two days now, sidetracked by my own inability to finish anything!  Along the way I stumble through probably 500 photos which of course I had to look at and weep and remember and wonder how long that they had been laying in a heap. I am making progress, so this is good. Three garbage bags later.

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Georgina------Thank you for posting that lovely poem.  It's true.......marking

the new year is, and probably always will be,  different.   Peace to you.

 

Dee----Love the poem "Altering".  Such true words, expressed so eloquently.

It's in the 40's now around here, but we are to get much cooler temps by the end

to the week.

 

Kate-----Good to see your post. Your snow drifts must be lovely to look at, and a joy

to your son and family with their winter activities.  You stated that you have had a

peaceful Christmas, and that at this point, you are content to just 'let it be'.

 I feel the same as you.......we will always remember and miss our angels,

but are grateful when we can gain some peace.  

 

WISHING   PEACE   AND   COMFORT   TO  ALL   INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry

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I lost my Son almost 9 years ago now, so this makes the 8th Christmas and New Year without him. I had an ok Christmas but New Years Eve I crashed. I have realized a plan B is something I need to plan for in the future.  He was always the first one I called with a Happy New Year Blessing. Most days I am alive, most days I can function at a normal level, finally got off the meds that made me unable. Holidays are the worst. Not helping the situation was being alone. I'm glad I found this forum... Your comments hit home with me I feel like I belong. I am new to this so be patient with me but I am willing to share my journey and will be interested in yours as well.

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Anything 4 U, I know that at 13.5 years after losing my Daughter, that grief is ongoing, a piece of us. If holidays throw you, perhaps that Plan B is something we can help you with. Often times, starting something new at holiday time can help turn it around some. Please do tell us about you and about your Son. We are a big and supportive group, so please feel free to post as often as you can and care to, we will respond.

Sherry, thanks, I do feel that we learn to carry our Sweethearts, in new ways, sewn into our fabric, no longer as hard to carry, just part of our everyday. Yes, warmer and foggy tomorrow and then by tomorrow evening, cold cold coming. This up and down is a drag...oh well, I have been so lucky to have this time off. Is your Daughter still enjoying her winter break or has she gone back?

 

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Anything4U ,

new years hit me kind of hard also . i suppose it makes you think about the future and the future was meant to belong to our kids . im pretty alone in this world now too . most of the time im fine with that but when i think about aging it makes me feel pretty vulnerable sometimes . of course then i feel guilty for worrying about my future when jake is gone with no future , and his infant son with no dad . 

ive tried to teach my sons to get back up when they get knocked down so now i guess i have to practice what ive taught . 

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Bob, I think that  you are practicing what you taught, it takes many lessons and a lot of time and energy to get back up from this kind of grief, you are doing it, but we have nothing quite to measure it next to...my best advice to you and to all new to this or all who feel they should up their game; what would you expect from a friend experiencing the same kind of loss? Think about what you might tell them, then take that advice.

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I thought I would share song some of the words expressed my feelings and despair and it fells like that life was

"a million years ago" and I want it back and all it would bring. James xx

Dee love the poem 'Altering' so clever Dee to be able to write like this xx

Thank you Sherry and Diane and Kate  

Welcome Anything4u you've found a very special place xx 

Hoosier guy I so agree New Year' the future 'what was to be 'fireworks' laughter' happiness' parties'  celebrations "right in you face" day after day so tough X 

 

 

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Good advice Dee. Your poem altering was beautiful. We all are at different stages of it but all altering.

Bobby and i were watching doc martin. his wife gave birth and I reached out and grabbed bobby's hand bursting into tears (totally not like me) and said I'm sorry we didn't get to have a child together but we got to have one die together. I was just sobbing. I told bobby what I needed was for him to hold me (we just discovered he is autistic, explaining the horrible doll in the car incident and his lack of friends or understanding of my grief) so he did and it was the most healing moment for our somewhat frayed marriage as I suddenly understood him and he was able to do what I needed. All along he declares love for me but he has no idea what to do about anything much involving intense emotions. Being told what to do, he totally brought it. Knowing he is autistic makes everything clear and gives me some keys to unlock the sweet heart he has inside. A wonderful way for me to start the new year.

Anything4you-I'm glad you have joined us. I am 5 and a half years in today. It has been a long long journey but after a hospital stay, a lot of on going meds, neurotherapy and spirit messages I am finally glad to still be on it. I hope I will never return to those dark moments of wanting to step off the path. Anyway greetings. Tell us more about your son.

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what a day !! i know ive told you guys about the pain in my ribcage for the last 3 months . i thought it started with cutting 300 trees off at an awkward height , then was ecxaserbated ( sp )  by diaphragm tension caused by grief . either way , im in therapy and trying hard to cope with stress and the aching ribs were just one more stressor that i wanted eliminated . talked to my hepatologist about it and she sent me to ER to have it investigated . after a 6 hour wait ( i didnt mind at all , busy day for them today ) the doc came in and told me to lose the shirt for a moment . i had a fungal  rash from one side of my lower ribcage to the other side . the source ? TREES .. 

i dont feel a damm bit sheepish about having it checked out . im trying to help myself here and im not afraid to seek help when i need it , be it mental or physical help . 

whats even better , phsyc doc said shed officially help me in a little legal battle im having . i got busted on vacation 5 yrs ago with a handful of pills that werent prescribed to me . copped me a D felony charge . that felony was supposed to be amended to a misdemeanor after one year had passed but the judge never kept his word . im rather old school about a person doing what they said theyd do so ive paid a retainer , have an attorney and were going to try to get this fixed . damm sweet of phsyc doc to go to bat for me . depending on what transpires in this murder case i could end up with full or joint custody of young nick ( jakes newborn son ) . just trying to look ahead a little bit ..

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Holy Crap Gretchen! Oh my goodness, to find out that Bobby is on th espectrum is amazing, how did you find out? Wow, wow, what a difference in his life this can make, and already has...now you can direct him and he can learn from you and you can understand what does not come naturally to him...wow. Glad you liked the poem. we are after all, altered.

Holy Crap Bob! It's a holy crap night. I never knew that you had pain in your ribs and I am so glad that you went to the doctor and that your doctor was able to so quickly see it. Wow, fungal from the trees that you cut down? What kind of trees? Glad that your psych wants to help out, i hope that she/he can.

Georgina, great music. I know you want it the way life used to be, I know. Holding hour hands. Glad you like the poem.

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what kind of trees ? ALL of them . lol .

the doc whos farm i work at is one big thinking fellow . i call him megalo mike ( of course only jokingly and not openly ) . 

were building an airplane runway that you could land a C - 131 on . depending on the bids for the earthwork , another 300 or so trees may be coming out . im exaggerating a little about the C - 131 . that is a bohemoth  military transport plane , but mike does intend to buy at least a 6 seater personal prop plane . he aint gettin me up in the dam thing . ive been giving the grim reaper iou's for 58 yrs . no need to push my luck ..

 

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Hi to INDIGOS.....

Not much to say today....rather a quiet day for me.

 

Dee----Becky went back to her teaching K , on Jan. 3.  She did have 

a nice holiday break.:)  Has your school gone back after the Christmas vacation?

 

Georgina-----thank you for the nice song by Adele. Sending thoughts & prayers.

 

Bob-----Sorry to hear of your medical problems.......glad that you have

found out what the cause was.....(who would have guessed trees?!)   Hope

the treatment that the docs prescribed will fix the problem.

 

Peace     to   all.

 

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Happy New Year......and all new parents that has found this site...I pray that in the year ahead...you will come to many 'firsts'....first birthday...first Easter...first summer...of your child not on this earth home. You will be wearing the 'shock suit' that fits very tight in the first couple of years. Those dates will hit very hard. Please let yourself bend into the grief...be kind and gentle to yourself....and know you do not walk this grief journey alone.

 Anything4you.....(love that name)....I am entering my 5th year on the grief journey....I find myself getting blindsided at times....thinking I have found a way to balance myself...thinking I have a little more control over the meltdowns...sometimes it feels like I am swooshing down a sinkhole without any warning. I think it is quite normal to allow ourselves a cry party...let those tears wash all the tiny and big memories that get tangled up in our day to day lives...and we simply have to let it all out. I have good days, better days, bad days and worse days. After I have a very bad day...and a good cry...or many...I find I feel somewhat spent...but more peaceful. It is a natural body release from the stress and grief.

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Sorry I had computer issues and could not log on for a while. I wish you all a peaceful New Year. Not a happy new year although I would wish happiness too it is just such a difficult time for all of us grieving families. I made it through like most of you, didnt have the heart to decorate my kids did it and the tree was left bare which felt right. This second xmas was even harder i guess because I am more aware this year less medication and no numbing shock. I sank very low a lot of tears and withdrawal but made it through. It was too icy to visit my special place I have had ankle surgery and am on crutches which made me feel so bad. New Year was better I stayed in with my cat and a couple glasses of wine. I don't believe in resolutions but my aim is to get better mentally and physically and begin to live life again. Any tips  anyone?

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I have been coming to the site and reading...super busy...and I caught the first cold I have had in 6 years...congestion/coughing....and plus super busy with kids home from school and those home from college...and our Jeremy here...but today....Daniel took him to the airport in Austin to fly back to Oregon...he works for Nike. As many parents on this site knows....the good-bye we say now has a tinge of anxiety...fear...deep emotion....(and wanting to wrap that boy/girl in a blanket and place them in our living room...forever).....because we know there are those 'forever good-bye moments'....we know and have lived through 'the last time I saw my child'...it paralyzes our common sense...and distorts our vision. I haven't got a handle on that, yet. I do hide my thoughts...my heart that is thumping so loud you would think all could hear it....I calm my voice that wants to yell...'don't leave'....but....I was never the controlling Mama...I let my chicks fly...like my parents let me fly. So...I send them off with a big hug...a Mama smile and such pride in the caring and compassionate person they have grown into. I am guessing that after we lose a child...that 'good-bye will always have many definitions through the years'...for parents.

I came aware of that 'space'....they were here...they were gone. When my children went off to college...and then they would come home with a car full of dirty clothes, sheets and towels....there would be a bustle of cooking favorite dishes....a gathering and going out with their friends....many wash loads later...and folding and ironing...sacks of chips, salsa and cookies...the car packed...and then they were gone. It would leave me with a strange time gap....they were here...then they were not.

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I think it a very wise decision to try and find that Plan B...or find a purpose. This doesn't mean writing a symphony....or the next great novel...but I do think writing your thoughts and feelings down gives one an outlet....write it on notebook paper or a fancy journal...it doesn't matter...it is just a way to get your thoughts out of your head and written down. I 'cocooned'...after losing John David...I cancelled all civic/social events....it was the best thing I did for myself...I did not have to put on that false face or try to be stoic. I could be myself...and give myself the space and time to grief and mourn. The first holidays I created wreaths...for friends, family and some elderly citizens. As all parents know...night time is hard....I decided that if our ancestors could go across America in Conestoga wagons and bake bread on the trail....I could surely bake bread in my kitchen. I tried many different recipes...learning about yeast..different flours...and finally found a recipe that everyone really liked...it is called Crusty Bread....very easy ingredients...it takes at least 12 hours to rise..(I would make up 3 batches at night)....the way you bake it is a little tricky...but it taste like a sourdough bread. So...I would do that at night....then bake the bread in the morning....and then pass it out to friends all over town. They so appreciated the home baked bread....I so appreciated the 'busy' and the 'giving'. (My friends were surprised...they thought that I would walk down the street butt naked before I would ever bake bread). Some may say this isn't a 'purpose'....but it kept me busy at night...and I had something to do and get done at night. Help me make it through the night. Insomnia was the worst symptom of my grief. I tried walking in the park...but there was a memory under every tree...so I bought a treadmill and put it in my guest bedroom and started walking 3/4 miles a day...I watch Netflix or Amazon Prime....it isn't a cure...but it helps...and I will take better. I know many other parents will have other ways in which they found a purpose or found that Plan B....I know they will share their experiences.

Love that poem, Dee....I never thought I could/would learn to carry this much heavy dark weight...thank you for all your support...'he ain't heavy...he is my brother'...

Gretchen....I read your post and thought of that song by Neal Diamond...Turn on your Heartlight....I do believe your 'Heartlight' is lit up....you say you have new eyes to see...and that is why you are 'seeing what is real and true'....

Bob...they say there are no coincidences...am thinking you are meeting certain people on your journey that can be your help/guides....I want you to have that beautiful GRANDson in your life.

Dee.... I read this...and thought of your sister and nephew...and all those children who are caught up with addiction...

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susan , 

 im a breadbaker too . i love whole wheat german brotchen rolls . i used to flatten the dough into rectangles and fill them with meat , cheese , vegs , then form them back into rolls . my mother and jake loved them . with the same dough you can make some bitchin bread sticks . id put crumbled , fried sausage in the dough itself , then roll into sticks , flatten into elongated rectangles then fill with spicy american cheese . 

no two batches are ever the same / not meant to be . sometimes sauteed onion in the dough , sometimes loaf style with black olive halves . very good sandwich bread . 

 in the wintertime , huge cinnamon rolls , glazed , nut topping . 

mom's canary was my biggest baking fan . 

mom is gone , jake is gone and things will likely never be the same again . this one time im going to admit that im thankful for the good , aromatic times that we had . breadbaking is not a chore  like simply cooking a good meal . its a family involved process that builds so much anticipation and never disappoints ..

my grandkids from florida majorly connected with me in the kitchen two summers ago . last summer when they were in chicago visiting bob i wasnt invited up . so if it sometimes sounds like id just as soon punch bob in the face -- thats why .. he ( cheaply ) lies about the reasons that neither jake , my ex or myself were invited up . the bottom line is he isnt living up to his financial obligations to the kids and that leaves his phsyco ex in a position to dictate and screw with all of us .. 

i may have a commune of grandkids around me some day . im the most honest and consistent figure in the whole family and kids often gravitate to where they feel loved and safe . 

my second wind isnt over , maybe it hasnt even started yet ..

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