momofJustin

Loss of an Adult Child

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@ mermaid tears , 

 just f'n WOW . 

my iq runs about a buck 25 but i certainly dont have the power over vocabulary that you possess . 

 my sweetest thought while i was working today at the farm was how last christmas i sent jake an email that simply said " eat a dickmas " . he SO knew that that meant  ; " i love you in a major way and i hope youre doing great " . 

long story i guess . 

we worked together in masonry for 15 years off and on . many times he got his fill of dads crap and would disappear for weeks or even months . id almost always be the one to break the ice after about 4 weeks and send him an email that said " suck balls " . 

again , it meant , i love you , hope youre doing fine , ill always have your back and youre welcome to come lay some stone with me at the proper time that works with your dignity too " . 

we had incredible respect for each other . 

thank you to the person last night who said id be learning some things . 

yea , i just realized today that my 35 yr old son and i are so far apart just due to poor communication . 

he dont get the " suck balls " thing . we have to find our own route to better communication . 

 BTW ;

i cuss really bad . juss sayin ......

heres a pic of some of our outlandish stonework , just so im not discounted as a total nut case .. garage mahal.jpggarage mahal.jpg

 

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im a two time terminal dementia caregiver so i understand loss , however , this is not normal and expected loss .. this is theft and probably caused by a person with a normal iq of about room temperature , and under the influence of meth , probably running a number in the negatives . stupidity is not a living entity , so placing blame is very  difficult if not impossible ..

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Dee,  at first I wasn't sure what you meant about a horse in the house but now going back to MaryAnne's pictures I see what you meant! No problem.  I imagine battling this weather especially with your class has you coming and going.

Bob, I know I look at grief from a mother's perspective but I have watched my husband grieve the loss of our son for two years now.  There are some very kind and wonderful people here with much wisdom and compassion about traveling this terrible journey we find ourselves on. Many grieving men throw themselves into work to distract from the grief and it is apparent in your line of work you work with many tools some of which are powered so be careful (your craftsmanship is absolutely beautiful, BTW).  But just know that grief will be sitting on the sidelines waiting for you to "pay your dues". And it is okay. The grief is your way of mourning the loss of Jake, the son you shared your everything with. Jake's death was out of your control. No parent should ever suffer this loss but it happens to many and in your case, it was a devastating act of violence. Nothing could be done. You and Jake shared a bond in this physical world that many fathers could only hope to experience with their adult child. He GOT you.  I understand when you say you were a caregiver.  During any loss at that you certainly had empathy for those and their loss.  But now, this is grief and it is PERSONAL.  Hold on tight with both hands and know this goes one step at a time.  Jake is right there with you. Not sure of your beliefs but I found that if I sometimes "talked" to my son it helped me feel he was with me.  I hate this new setup keeping him in my mind is all I have.

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thank you for the kind words dianne .

i have a tendancy to see mostly negative things when i reminisc but im trying to turn that around . i read a lot . my therapist told me recently that i seem angry so it set me to thinking about who im angry with . sometimes its jake . he did , after all , run out of his house unarmed with the intention of beating a likely armed intruder to a pulp -- not very wise . aside from that occasional anger , its no secret to anyone that i hate my ex . so i go to reading about how to let that anger go . in the comment section of the article i was reading was a fellow who said he hates his ex on a MOLECULAR level . it was a few weeks ago but the first time ive genuinely laughed at anything since jakes death . normally when you hate somebody who hurt you , at the mention of their name you think " i hate that mf " , then you have to ruminate a few reasons why you hate them . well if you just hate them on a molecular level you no longer need those bad memories , you just hate that particular configuration of cells . a small step but very lifechanging for me . 

i have one hell of a road ahead of me if getting back to normal is my objective because i have no idea what normal is . my relationship with my sons was always based on a " simpsons " style of humor and irreverence . now my oldest son has married into the family of the " B " , as in BP oil , he thinks hes part of society or something . i only get staunch , impersonal , hokey emails from him on the holidays . ill grit my teeth and work on the problem but i dont imagine him and i ever becoming as close as jake and i were . 

 and dianne , 

yes , as far as jake being right here with me -- his human spirit indeed is . i couldnt live without that presence , and im fortunate and thankful for it ..

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Bob, I am sorry for the loss of your son, Jake. He is certainly a handsome young man...your stone work is beautiful. My son Jesse always loved houses like that. He had wanted to build a home out of stone at one time. May you find some Justice for your Jake. My son was killed by an inattentive driver. Ran over in his own lane of traffic. I had to work long and hard to get her even brought to trial (she was a meth addict but the dumb cops couldn't figure out to do a blood draw at the time of the accident). She was convicted but still is resisting, trying to appeal the case. 

May you find comfort and healing here. Sending gentle thoughts to you.

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that house is amazing...isn't it Laurie....something your Jesse David and my John David would have loved...small world...isn't it...?

Bob....I love...love that house...

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Hello All, I think of everyone here and am reading along. Just been working a lot and not much else. I am still going to our local pool trying to get my foot pain under control. It is much improved. My youngest son Thomas is still healing from his back surgery he had in October.

Time remains elusive for me, I do not want to admit how much time has passed since seeing my beloved son. And yet at times, it still feels like yesterday. Maybe the rawness of everything has worn off but there are still those moments that trip me up --  like seeing something that reminds me of him and I, or hearing certain songs. I remain sad. Losing 2 sons is unbelievable to me. I remain in the state of before and after, straddling that divide. 

Thanks Dee for asking about me. Sending love out to everyone. Prayers for you Becky.

 

Screen Shot 12-21-16 at 09.21 PM.PNG

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Nice to see your post Susan -- we warmed up a bit here the other day. Not probably like your temps though.

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a parent raising a son especially , i think has three big worries . steering them away from criminality so as to keep them out of prison , basically keeping them from doing dangerous things out of curiousity , and then the beginning driver years . 

i think its been helpful to me recently to read a website with hundreds of firsthand accounts of very young  ( 20 ish ) vietnam veteran helicopter pilots . the senseless carnage and loss of life makes me feel so ' not alone ' . sadly , violence has been the norm thruout all of recorded history . 

ive spent several weeks now trying to regain my courage and sense of future security . finally realized im seeking the impossible . none of us have the guarantee of another day . some people are blessed with a degree of financial security but even that can be rather fleeting sometimes . i need to get my head back to the notion of living and appreciating one day at a time . 

i read somewhere recently that in the case of a huge personal loss , its ok to not  be ok . none of us will ever be " ok " again , and no one should expect or require us to be ..

the stonework is actually on a detached garage at a very upscale home , which we also stoned . we call it the garage majal ..

the previous owner sold it and bought a 100 acre farm . ive given up the masonry business for the most part and now work on that farm raising bees and such . 

dna has verified that i have a 3 month old grandson . jakes baby . of course i want to be an influence in his life but only time will work out how we can proceed towards making that happen . right now young " nick's " mother and stepdad are potential murder suspects . it is not possible to see the future right now . the damn smoke hasnt even cleared from the crime scene yet . ( figuratively ) 

im sorry for all of your losses . if im dwelling on my own too much , its kinda meant to be for the purpose of introducing myself to your ( so far ) helpful and friendly group . 

bob s.

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Bob, hey, you need to tell us what you are dealing with, in fact, I am very glad to be getting to know you in the last few days, you are very able to offer your story. Many have a harder time with that. I am like you in that: I told a lot about my Daughter's life and death right off, and then folks know what I was/am dealing with. That was 13.5 years ago. Erica died at age 19 when an Amtrak hit her car at a broken crossing in Kalamazoo, Michigan. Damn fuse was burned out...for 11 months! Yes, anger can definitely be a piece of the loss, it was for me as far as the lack of care the village put into keeping that intersection safe. Because of Eri, her death, our lawsuit, (4 years in the making) the crossings through Kalamazoo are all safe now, nobody will die as Erica did, in  that town anyhow. So I am an oldie here, me and Sherry have been here the same amount of time, staying as a means to letting whomever follows us, that one day you will find your steps. It definitely is fine to not be 'fine'. And when folks inquire or expect us to find the so called closure that our society thinks exists in loss...you can let them know that just as Nick's birth changed you forever...so has his death. And why wouldn't it. No, I don't mean we need to be brutal to others about it, but at some point, you will have to let some people go who insist you should be 'over' it. That becomes their problem, you have enough on your plate than to worry if your friends will ever get it, and faking happy-go-lucky is just plain exhausting. One day however, you will feel a new normal and your life will take on more things that please your spirit. I am so glad that you feel your Boy's presence, I have had the joy of Erica's presence in and out of these thirteen years and I am so grateful to her. I talk to Erica everyday, outloud, on my walks, before I sleep, right smack in the middle of the day and if folks think its crazy...again, that is their issue, not mine. I teach third grade in a public school outside of Chicago. This is where my kids grew up and went to school. My third graders know about Erica, not the train part, but that my Daughter died in an accident. They know all about my girl, that she did not like school, that she was funny as heck, that she was a very good skater, snowboarder, adventure-seeking person. I never have a day that I don't speak her name or get to hear her name spoken which is a gift to me. I have a fund at our school in her name so I also get to write checks with her name on them to help kids have activities in thier lives that they might not have been able to have due to financial issues. So there are ways to bring our Kids into our Everyday. That is where they belong...they LIVED! They will always live on in us and they will always be our Children.

Love your stone work and I love that you work with BEES! Have you read the book called The Bees? It is fiction told from within the hive by a female bee. It is AMAZINGLY great.

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i watched a documentary on the fbi website a few weeks ago called " chasing the dragon " . it was several short stories about parents who have lost kids to drug overdoses . one mother spends time at her daughters grave on every holiday and significant other dates . another mother says she has never opened her daughters bedroom door since the daughters death . it made me more aware that nearly everyone copes in different ways . im sitting here in a house that jake and i built after the divorce 15 years ago . every inch of the place brings good memories . then i have the tattoo of jake . jakes mother has herself surrounded by mementos of jake and his life . 

i personally find that anything that invokes good memories can just as easily invoke bad memories , so im kind of a minimalist with the mementos . 

my therapist suggested that a support site like this might be helpful to me because i have virtually no support system ( hilljack / loner ) . im a little concerned that i might , by visiting this site , be inclined to let ' grieving parent ' begin to define who i am and prolong my healing attempts . 

i agree with you dee . closure is just a cutesy word , in reality it aint ever going to happen . i know ill feel better when some deluded lowlife is sentenced to the majority of his / her life in prison but mostly because ill know that a dangerous person wont harm another innocent citizen . 

gotta go to work now . thanks to everyone for your prompt and generous welcome ..

bob

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Please listen to this angelic Child who is autistic and hardly spoke until a teacher took a special interest in the girls talent: singing. Oh my goodness. I wept and am weeping again at this beautiful rendition of Halleluia.

 

 

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That is incredible.....  Where Science and a Higher Power (God in my book) meet.

Dee, thank you for sharing.  That cannot but help a saddened heart to feel the season.

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Right On DIanne, it is truly a gift to share this piece of joy. That little person holds such passion in her message.

So glad that you liked it.

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Gratitude Doesn't Erase Grief

In your grief, have you been told by family and friends to be grateful? I imagine the answer is a resounding yes. If so, I'll be very clear: we need to stop this madness.

In the work I do with people facing trauma, I’m told over and over again how those around them just want them to be grateful. They might even make an attempt at utilizing the advice, but it almost always incites anger, not comfort. 

Promoting gratitude is one of the most misleading—and harmful—offerings you can make to someone in the throes of grief. Yet it remains as popular as ever; it’s become a mindless, pervasive drug.

It's well-meaning bullshit, but it's still bullshit. Why? Because it’s based on two fundamentally flawed assumptions: first, it assumes that gratitude has the ability to fix grief. Second, it assumes that grieving people are less prone to be grateful than those who aren't grieving. Both of these assumptions are ludicrous.

Gratitude and grief serve fundamentally different purposes. Using gratitude to wash away grief is like telling someone who’s received a cancer diagnosis to take an Advil. Their purposes are completely incongruous.

Ungratefulness generally arises in response to the trivialities of life, not life-changing events. The person who complains about every ridiculous detail of their job, or seems to be incapable of appreciating anything, is ungrateful. 

The person who’s lost the love of their life? First, they are often profoundly grateful: for their family, the friends who care for them, the love they receive. They may not actively show it, but it’s often there.  

Yet even this leads to a further assumption: that grieving people should be grateful. They shouldn’t. The immediate aftermath of tragedy is not the time to find things to be grateful for. It is a time to find solace not in happy things, but in grieving itself. 

This also addresses one of the most foolish assumptions many make about the purpose of gratitude: that it exists to make you feel good, which is narcissistic and ends up defeating the purpose of being grateful in the first place. 

Being grateful might lead to you feeling good, but that’s a byproduct of doing the work involved in creating the conditions by which you might find a peaceful heart. Cultivating a grateful worldview probes the depths of your being. It widens perspective, increases your capacity to listen, encourages self-reflection, and leads to a more honest, gentle disposition. All of these things may very well result in your feeling better, but how you feel isn’t the goal. 

A lack of gratitude is often the outworking of a selfish mindset, not the result of tragic circumstances. This is an important but often neglected distinction.

So the next time you’re faced with someone who’s life has been torn apart by loss, please do not tell them to be grateful. It’s useless and dismissive.

Being with a grieving person is profoundly uncomfortable. When someone attempts to come to the aid of a person in pain, they often try to mask that lack of comfort with ridiculous bromides. Gratitude is the most fashionable of these. Unfortunately it almost never makes it better. If anything, it makes it worse. The advice attempts to “get somewhere”, instead of honoring the pain that exists in the here and now. 

Instead of offering some sort of gratitude-infused platitude, stand with your loved one in silence. Be uncomfortable with her, no matter how awful it makes you feel. Listen to her, hold her, stand with her. Doing any of this will foster a thousand times more peace than any sort of gratitude exercise ever could.

Gratitude doesn’t erase grief. Nor should it. It is not an antidote to loss, nor could it ever be. 

You don’t honor grief with gratitude. You honor grief by grieving. 

 

I'm Tim, and The Adversity Within is a blog dedicated to examining the topic of resilience in the face of adversity, while inspiring readers to stand headstrong in their grief and fight for their own evolution. Living with cerebral palsy and epilepsy, I explore topics like post-traumatic growth, survival, and self-reliance. No one should face adversity alone. Subscribe to my mailing list below for free weekly writings delivered to your inbox, and follow me along on Facebook and Twitter.

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susan , i hope i found your proper name .

 in one long conversation my ex and i had , she suggested that we just had to be thankful for the 28 years that we had jake in our lives . " bullshit " was my immediate first thought too . those 28 years represented nearly 3 decades of emotional ( and tradesmanship ) investment . jake had an 8 day old baby ffs -- his greatest dream and absolute obssession . i found no gratitude or solace in the past . its his immediate future that was fixing to get real , and damned exiting from everyones perspective . 

 that article made me appreciate my only coworker " jeff " . he doesnt offer hokey attempts at comforting me . i feel more like he is grieving with me instead . i need to tell him tomorrow how much he is appreciated . 

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Becky, how are you doing these days? How did the procedure go? Hope the next few days will be more comfortable for you.

Dee, thank you for sharing that music with us. She is indeed a little angel. I have always loved that song.

Hoosier Guy, I have a fairly large garden and have always grown plants that attract the birds, butterflies and bees. We have read may reports lately of the dwindling Bee population. The Bees are always buzzing around our property as we never use any pesticides, etc.  

Leah, if you are reading...I am thinking of you at this time. Hope all is well your way.

Well, we shopped like crazy today stocking up on provisions for yet another predicted blizzard to start on Christmas Day. What the Sam? It sure looks like the North Pole up here for sure. Still, the temps are lovely. Today it reached a high of -1C.

Thinking of everyone this evening and wishing you all a really peaceful evening.

 

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the mind DOES wander for a while , doesnt it ? 

so far , if im asked about my thoughts on retribution i usually claim to trust law enforcement and the courts to inflict justice , and violence has never been acceptable to me for any reason short of maybe defending ones country . however , on the drive to work this am i let my mind wonder to me , my brick hammer , and jakes proven killer in a locked room . i imagined one of us limping away and the other being washed down the floor drain with a fire hose .. 

 

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Nothing wrong with letting your mind wander...the scenario is one of justice, even if pretty violent. I think fantasizing about a rough end for the person who took Jake's life is quite a normal response of such an abnormal event in your lives.

Susan, I agree with the article you posted, though I am grateful for the time I had wiht my Girl...I sure didn't want anyone telling me that when we first were dealing with our deep ache. We simply do not teach about grief in this country nor in many others. Kids watch shows where everything is settled by the end of the half hour and all is well. They play video games wehre they get points for killing someone and in those games, the characters get another life if they can do some wild move...so there are very unrealistic views of death and the aftermath of loss is never discussed. I can honestly say that my students over the last 13 years, have a realistic handle on what families do when someone dies young. They can ask questions and I answer whatever I can as honestly as I can.

Gotta go to bed now, super emotional day today, very emotional. One of Erica's good friends came to visit which was super lovely but we cry she and I. There was a dress rehearsal today at shcool and as I have said, kids singing just makes me cry, I have no recourse. And one of my students told me a sad and worrisome story about abuse so tomorrow, I have to all the protective services. Heavy heart.

Goodnight All

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dee,

just wow . ( youre location , occupation , and daily struggle ) . i love to watch documentaries and try to self educate about the realities of urban life and the loss of the prospect of upward mobility in america today . rural people are feeling it too , but weve always had this " barter " economy to minimize the impact of recession for us . law enforcement has recently obtained some more effective and ' quicker ' tools for combatting violence and crime and its taken a ( probably temporary ) toll on the availability of hard drugs . 

a fn crackhead will kill you for one cigarette right now . 

its not a time to let our guard down or take any action lightly . 

 BTW . i love what L - E is trying to do -- save lives . 

they really werent all that humorous during  the last 30 years while they were demonizing people for smoking what amounted to ditch weed , and creating  the fastest  growth industry in current history  ( incarceration ) out of it .

i completely stand behind L - E right now what with them being under attack across the nation ,  but after ordering a " blue lives matter " bumper sticker in the mail , by the time it arrived i dropped it into the trash , unopened . 

im saying i support and appreciate L - E , but after years of their own sins , not very vociferously .

their image needs some work too . ( imo ) 

 

 

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heres an interesting and absolutely true story that you people might make more sense of than ive ever managed to .

15 yrs ago i divorced . i was fortunate enough to purchase a piece of property , strangely , only 1 mile from our marital home ( as a crow flies ) . jake and i proceeded to start knocking down a worn out modular home and building ourself yet another structure that we could call " home " . incidently , we ( i ) built the first home also .

after about 5 years of roughing it here in our new " bunker " ( thats what we started out in ) , it became apparent that my widowed mother could no longer live in her rural home by herself . she didnt even drive . i could not imagine leaving our beloved new project and moving in at my moms house -- BUT -- then something really strange happened . jake and i copped a 2 yr long masonry job not 1 mile from my mothers house . i took on an experimental hepc treatment that trashed my ass so badly that after laying stone for about 4 hrs per day , i didnt even have the strength to drive the old 51 chev worktruck home . i almost literally crawled across my moms threshold and informed her that i needed to just stay there for a while . 

i was fn FORCED into her household . make of that what you will but this story isnt over yet . 

jake and i spent 6 sometimes excruciating  years at my mothers place while our new house sat empty , isolated in the sticks , and vulnerable to any kind of mischief that anyone might care to inflict upon it . the last 3 years we learned all about dementia and its fatal conclusion . we became caregivers and for all of our learning mistakes -- got pretty damned good at it the more the situation deteriorated . 

mom passed away on aug 1 of 2013 in her own home and rather peacefully . i was relieved for her because her last 60 days of life she suffered full blown hallucinations . not violent hallucinations but " trippin balls " for sure . 

with the sadness , grief , loss , relief ?? etc , it was still exiting that we could finally go back to our beloved home . jake rented a shack up the road just because he wanted his own digs . i moved into our original basement bunker because i had permitted a renter girl and her elderly dad to rent the upstairs of our house . sorry this is so long but this is some truly crazy **** . 

one day the renters pickup truck broke down three towns over from us . the old man and i rented an adequate trailer and went to retrieve his truck . while i was winching the pickup onto the trailer i evidently got overheated and laid my old , decrepit , army pile cap down on the trailer fender . i missed the hat for weeks and hated the one i had to supplement it with . one morning i came up to visit the renters and theres my beloved , decrepit , hat lying on ( essentially ) my own dining room table . the renter girl had picked it up for me at a " free " charity store two towns over because she knew it was the kind of hat i liked . 

thats pretty unbelievable . someone in bean blossom indiana found that filthy , stained , hat and donated it to a charity store in morgantown indiana , then it bounced all the way back to my own damn kitchen table . in a couple more days the renter would have probably visited me in my bunker and crammed it right onto my head . 

i have no belief system except " treat others like youd like to be treated " . thats it , nothing more . that was common sensible long before it was biblical btw ..

in summary ; an extreme chemotherapy forced me to go take care of my mother and i will always be left to wonder how involved she was in sending my GD hat back to me ..

it DOES keep my buccaneers warm . thats the kind of thing a mother looks after . 

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Bob,  no doubt about it ---your angel mom was looking out for you.... so here is that story jumping out for you to share.... I know up a few posts you said you were afraid of identifying yourself as a grieving parent.

On 12/22/2016 at 7:36 AM, hoosier guy said:

im a little concerned that i might , by visiting this site , be inclined to let ' grieving parent ' begin to define who i am and prolong my healing attempts . 

Seems to me, and I am just saying, that maybe this site in the short time you have come here is helping your healing attempts.  It helps to talk.

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the most treasured " hat " memory was jacobs actions . i told him about the incredibly , springy hat while visiting his shack one day . he has never , EVER  , had a reason to disbelieve anything ive stated but the next time he visited me in my bunker , as we were getting our deluge of conversation going , he walked over and picked up my hat to give it a genuine scrutiny . the series of events freaked him out too , obviously .. 

we concurred ,thats  my freakin hat no doubt and we never needed to speak of it again . 

i think we both suspect mom of having something to do with it though .. 

 

 

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reading between the lines a bit , i think dianne just told me that its ok to sit here and remenisc this evening , have misty eyes every now and then , and maybe even have a ( cautious ) amount of cherry vodka . im totally alone up here for the next several days and somehow it makes me feel like one of the lucky ones . lol . 

nobody to annoy the piss out of me . cram your merry christmas up your merry , square , ass and let me work my own head .. 

totally joking , hope all of you have nice holidays with your loved ones this year . 

ill let alice cooper explain this message to the person who blew my son away ; nothings free mf ... , youve a debt to pay -- eventua - lly ..

https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=nothings+free+alice+cooper+budapest

 

 

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definately gonna jam for a while tonight . doro petche's ( sp ) " i rule the ruins " is  on tap . 

what a sweet ( euro ) concept . 

i seem to be living in a smoking ruins . come on in but dont forget who ( delusionally ) rules these ruins ..

is there a " belligerance " stage in traditional grieving ? 

well there IS now ..

 

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