momofJustin

Loss of an Adult Child

59,043 posts in this topic

Gretchen....the memorial looks amazing...with that sunset...Mother Nature...the quintessential artist. Your tree looks like a happy one...love wrapped up with paper and bows.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

We are traveling to San Marcos today....to celebrate a college graduation...Karson is the daughter of Suzanne...she and Randa have been BFF since 8th grade..Suzanne's Mom and I were friends, too....she died a couple of years ago...we miss her so much. Yesterday it was 80 degrees...today it is 29 degrees...in this part of Texas...we have the air conditioner on one day...the heater the next. I see where my Northern friends are having some very cold..snow...ice weather...stay safe. I was thinking this morning...if I lived up North...I was cram a basement with food for 3 months....I would not know how to drive in the snow.

Hoping all the parents will muddle through in the best way they can.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Gretchen, I can't wait to hear all that you want to tell. I love your flowers and Forest's site. Love is all around you/Him.

The memorial that I attended yesterday was heart-wrenching and beautiful. Magical in the words and spirit that surround Maya, the young lady who died last month. She was 2 weeks into her 18th year, she got to vote which was a huge thrill for her. Her illness came out of the blue in July and she was gone from her Earth home in November, leaving everyone stunned by her departure. But oh they sang; she was part of the high-school show choir, they sang Beatles songs, recited poetry, told stories of how she touched their lives....she goes on and lives within everyone she loves and strangers too, who happen to know of her. I wept furiously the whole time, I cannot attend many of these events because I really cannot contain my weeping. I hugged her Momma who I know through our school district third grade meetings, different schools but same district, and we hugged the hug we know, the hug of a Momma longing for the days before the loss.

It is 2 degrees right now...but sunny so that is nice, and the birds are clammering for the feeders.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Susan, enjoy your graduation! And please send some warmth our way! I woke up this morning to -33C. Tomorrow it is supposedly going to climb to -8C. A heck of a huge difference. I have never been a fan of extremes regarding the temps. Either way I prefer a more moderate and balanced clime.

We spent the day in the city yesterday running around trying to get some last minute things done for next week. I have always loved the last minute excitement of watching those shoppers panic. I am very much a person that shops early and then sits back.

I am thinking of everyone at this most difficult time of the year. Hang on with both hands.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sure glad that the temperature here sort of overrides my sad holiday thoughts.I was up at 5AM and cleaned the driveway since the temp was the warmest we would see all day. While it is sunny, the bitter cold is there.  If you watch the Weather Channel you know that Jim Cantore always shows up in the worst weather.  Dee, I think we are definitely in weather trouble as he is at Soldier Field this morning.  Sorry that service was so difficult.  I am sure the mom so appreciates that you were there for her.

winter.jpg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Dianne, I am sorry that the cold is SO DAMN COLD today and tomorrow too, but it will get to a more normal winter temperature on Tuesday and the rest of the week. The good news is; The first day of winter, the shortest day of all is this Wednesday, so from there in a very slow manner, we will build our daylight. A turning point. The sky is crystal blue and the air is boldly cold, I went to the gym and did my exercises in the warm water pool which I adore. The sun was shining in on a slant, and when I went into that part of the water in my back and forth trips, I felt touched by the intensity of the sun dancing on the water and the warmth one could feel in it. Ahhhhh.

The Bears just lost to The Green Bay Packers but it was close. I am encouraged to see a team that is starting to show some talent this year.

Susan, a good trip and graduation for your friend's Child. I know you miss your friend, she will be so glad that you are there as she flits from loved one to loved one,  the way angels do at big events.

Sandy, you okay out there in this frozen landscape?

Colleen, what about you?

Sherry, you in the below zero windchills?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Dee, is that pool large enough to take all of us?   Sure sounds good to me.  Perhaps along with a warm Xmas coffee after. :D

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yes Dee we are surviving the "frozen tundra" of Indiana.   The dogs hate going out to do their business. Yesterday they kept falling through the snow and today, after freezing rain and sleet on top of the snow, they slide all over looking for a spot.   It has been at least a couple of years since we have had such cold temps,   Thanks so much for asking about us.

Yesterday I decorated a wreath to take to Sarah's grave site.   I went shopping for the items to make it and found tears falling throughout the store.  Then putting it together brought more tears.   This is the 5th Christmas. Sigh......    No one in my family seem to have the need to go there except the little girls and I take them whenever they ask, which is getting less.  But for me, even though I know she is not there, The body I gave birth to and loved is there.  There is a part of me that must make sure she has a gift.   It is hurtful that the only gift I can give her is a wreath, specially decorated for her, but I have a need to do it, so I do.        I took it out today and of course the grave is covered in snow and with the freezing rain I couldn't brush it away to find the grave site (The stones all have to be flat with the ground)   I trudged very awkwardly through the snow/ice.   I found the general spot and left the wreath and will go out when the weather breaks and the snow melts and move it into the proper spot.   Many probably think I am goofy, but they just don't know and it is what I have to do for my sweet Sarah.

Maddie just had her 10th birthday.  She was five when mama died and Becca is 8 and she was three.    Maddie was sooooo excited to be FINALLY in "double digits".   Her Daddy and Auntie Rachel planned a nice party for her.   She looks exactly like her mama when she was that age and her personality is just like Sarah's.  At times it is like reliving  time all over again.   We are so blessed to have the girls.   It is hard watching them go through the pain of her loss at every monumental moment in their lives,but they have many to help them through it and are loved so much.  It is all bittersweet.      I had someone comment on it being 5 years and questioned a timeline for closure.   I explained that there will never be closure, how could there be, she remains gone.   But I did try to explain that  this grief is forever part of me and it is my job to learn how to carry it  and continue to live my life in the best way possible.   The tears will continue to come at times.  Sometimes expected and sometimes completly out of the blue. Sometimes quietly and sometimes gut wrenching.  And that is ok, and when it happens I am learning to let myself feel what I feel, knowing that I will be ok.     There are those who may think I am "Stuck" but I am not, and I don't want them ever to be able to understand.    I am so grateful for this site and for all of you.    

Have a restful evening.

Sandy

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Kate, it is half the size of a regulation pool but big enough for the grieving parents here. It mneeds to be cleaned but I don't put my head in anymore, I have bad sinus issues so ears and nose don't do well with swimming anymore but I just love kicking back and forth on my big floating dumbell and doing some balance enhancing exercises. I do a lot of arm exercises and move the whole time in the water, about 40 -45 minutes. It is so peaceful to me, to my soul, especially when I cannot go out and walk on days like these; -10 this morning, actual temps.
And yes, we are in school.

Sandy, so glad to know you are fine, and that you are accepting of your steps in this grijef. SO glad that you can let folks know that there is no such thing as closure when it comes to grief. It goes on and changes over time but it does not stop. Your comfort with yourself has grown adn for that I am thankful, and your Pretty Daughter must be too. So amazing that the Girls are so big now. It is wonderful that Rachael is there with you all now. I hope that the relationship between she and her nieces grows strong and undeniably positive for all involved. How are her Kids? How is your Husband doing? Does he still have access to the help he has had in the past so that he has folks looking in on him and engaging him?

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Dee....water has such healing powers....that is why I always will have a pool....love to swim at night...under the moon and stars...for now...it is a no-no....we have a hot tub that we use in the winter that is attached to the pool....

Sandy....there is never a 'getting over it'...we simply have to go through it...our own unique grief journey that is as unique as our child. I, too, have learned that when that heavy grief comes...I bend to it....it is a way I can honor my place and my child in the 'NOW".....I think only parents that has this kind of grief can know what we are living. Your granddaughters are growing....as they get older and more mature...they will ask you many questions about that sweet Mama...and you will be the only one that can answer the questions like...'What was my Mama like when she was a little girl.....what was she like as a student....what was her favorite color....who were her best friends....where did she and her friends like to do....they will become so interested in what she wore to the prom..her first boyfriend..how did she meet their Dad'...etc.....it is coming...that day when they will want to know every detail of that Mama that loved them dearly. You will hold all the answers.

ScreenShot505.jpg

ScreenShot511.jpg

ScreenShot414.jpg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

When They Die: The Scream of Their Absence

You wake up. You force yourself out of bed to face the day. You go downstairs, hunched over and desperate to remove the machete that seems to be lodged in your heart.

You make your coffee. You say hello to your baby boy. When you've managed to get your clothes on and collect enough courage to walk out the door, you see it. His favorite coffee mug. Her precious scarf. That ridiculous set of DVDs he never got rid of, even though he never watched them.

Or the memories attack you out of nowhere: her laughter is vivid, as if she's right in front of you. Or his touch has so infiltrated your mind that you can't believe you're merely imagining him. 

Then the bricks are showered down upon you. It begins to sink in, and there's no escaping it.

They're not here. And they're not coming back.

If this is your first holiday without a loved one, you may feel crippled with a debilitating pain that you can't quite articulate. It's both a physical and a psychological pain, and it feels more vivid and real than reality itself.

Despite everyone telling you how frantic things are this time of year, the grieving person faces a different experience of time: as the world goes by, time stops and refuses to move. It's like being caught in a vortex of pain, utterly trapped. You're not getting out of this one. You might as well be finished. Plain and simple. 

I've experienced the first time too many times now. Every time it was a **** storm of confusion and pain and longing and oh-dear-god-how-the-hell-did-this-happen. It didn't get easier. Every experience was like having an artery punctured and being left for dead. Only I didn't die. The bleeding just kept on coming. 

At the same time, there was one overwhelming experience that was always present with every loss: I became consumed with a surge of love so strong it nearly wrecked me. This was an aching love, the kind of love that rushes up throughout you, desperate to burst. Its intensity shatters you to your core, because you can't give this love anymore. Your loved one isn't there to receive it. The greatest gift in your being doesn't have a home, leaving this love to collapse inside of you with nowhere to go. 

This is the kind of love that doesn't feel good at all, but is necessary for your survival.

If this is your first holiday season without a loved one, you are probably experiencing your own version of this. This is anything but easy. It doesn't feel like there's anything to learn, you may have no sense of redemption, and no matter how grateful you may feel for the time you had with them, you're pissed. You want them back. And you have every right to.

I could give you all kinds of advice for how to deal with this, but that wouldn't serve you nearly as well as one simple request: as you feel your agony, your horror and your unbearable exhaustion, I ask only one thing: I beseech you to love, and love completely. 

I'm not talking about the airy-fairly, pseudo-spiritual "love" that's based on consumerist notions of feeling good, I'm talking about the kind of love that's borne of our refusal to bow down to apathy and hate. The kind that's fucking resilient, that takes a stand for what's right, and demands that you take care of yourself precisely when you want to throw in the towel and die. 

This is the kind of love that moves you to wrap your arms around your daughter, even though your son is no longer here and your physical faculties are numb.

This is the kind of love that compels you to reach out to your friend who's just been cheated on, even though you're in the middle of your own divorce and feel abandoned by the world.

And this is the kind of love that isn't based upon how you feel, but upon honoring your loved one's memories with every fiber of your being. 

It's time to practice radical gentleness. Gentleness is usually conflated with weakness, but that's a huge mistake. Gentleness is perhaps the purest expression of vulnerability. I'm not talking about taking a bubble bath and drinking tea and lighting candles while you treat yourself to a massage. Those activities have their place, but they merely treat the symptoms of our pain. We must submerge ourselves below the symptoms, reaching to see the part of ourselves that we don't want to face.

I'm talking about experiencing gentleness as an annihilation: a giant **** you to the regret, the self-hatred, the internal loathing, the seemingly impenetrable shame. This can only be accomplished with gentleness. Active gentleness. With yourself and with those are still with you. 

As their absence screams inside of you, meet those wails with the most urgent love you can muster. 

There are few things in this life more brave.

 
 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Memories of Steve from Christmas long past 

wishing you all peace this holiday season

image.jpeg

image.png

image.jpeg

image.jpeg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Dianne, I can feel your heart hoping. I do think that our Kids are in the beauty of heaven, that the promise of our love combined with their endless love creates a space of complete peace. I do also believe that there are jobs for our Children, those that best suit their passions. I can't help but feel that Erica helps newbies to heaven...I just feel it is so.
 I love the horse in the house, we had one too, and that photo is precious.

Took a nice long walk before school this morning, it was delightful to be back outside, even though the temp was 17 degrees...that is 25 more than yesterday. I even took the kids out for recess which was a joy for us all, a cold joy but a good one. They are quietly working on story problems that I wrote, all of their names in the problems and all about winter break. I love watching their faces when they see themselves in a problem.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Just wanted to the joy of my life.  Please help us welcome our first grandchild, Maddox Crue.  He arrived yesterday at 2:26 pm. 6 lbs 15.8 oz and 19 inches long! 

20161220_101152.jpg

20161220_100512.jpg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Maryanne...love..love those photos...I feel the love right through the screen....

 

Congrats Wendy....we had a 'new little man' born on Dec. 14, 2012.....it was as if God/Mother/Father of the Universe knew that I would need that miracle gift to hold...when my heart and arms felt so empty. Love that name....and a handsome little guy you have. So grateful you have something to bless you and yours.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Wendy- a beautiful new grandson! Even with his eyes closed he looks like he has the sweetest little shy smile. Ricky and your twins are smiling down on him, for sure.

Congratulations to all.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

my 28 yr old son was shot and killed on sept 19 2016 . not much encouragement from the detectives yet . we suspect a love triangle thing or even worse -- a neighbor junkie just trying to rob someone for cash . i have a lot of confidence in the detectives and im sure we all want solid evidence and a conviction rather than quick relief . 

im a strong old man and i expected the grief to ease up in a few weeks but it isnt . his loss has left me very alone in this world and i feel guilty for worrying about my own future when jake has no future . he died with an eight day old son he was never able to see or hold . him and the hor had already split and he wasnt invited to witness the birth . the va is kind enough to give me councilling but because of recent overprescription issues -- refuse to give me any comfort meds . i told em to keep em . ive been self medicating for damn near 6 decades , why not now ? jacob_searcy_use_me_198x272.jpg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Becky the tree is beautiful I love the thought that JDis watching and part of what your doing xx. Your new grand daughter is such a picture God Bless her xx 

Dee thank you for your words of support I just love how you wrote about things I can really picture what your saying  and it helps me to continue to take a few steps forward   Xx

Wendy beautiful baby such a joy for you all I'm glad you were able to be there with your daughter. Xxxx

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hoosier Guy...I am sorry for your loss. I think you just answered your own question. Look at the picture of your son that you posted and ask if you want to make him proud of you. This kind of loss shows us what we are truly made of. This road we walk is just plain terrible. It takes a lot of guts to keep going. I bet you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. Hang on.

Wendy, what a beautiful early Christmas present. He is adorable.

 

Thinking of everyone as Christmas fast approaches. Sending wishes and hope for a peaceful holiday. Kate

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

So sorry I don't seem to be able to post at the moment feeling I can't do this any more even finding it hard to say what I'm feeling.  I don't know what's happening

I was though thinking of thr story of Scrooge last night and when he's visited by the ghosts of Christmas past, present and future and how like that it is for me; Christmas past full of happiness joy laughter and hope. Christmas present full of heartache despair longing yearning and tears  and Christmas future for all the Christmases to come going on like this with a broken heart and missing every stolen moments with my beautiful Sons xx 

Hugs and Hope to you all God Bless xxxx

 

 

 

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

my two sons and i have never celebrated any holiday with much more than fun spirited sarcasm . for example we used to drive the countryside / towns when the family was young . ex just had to groove on all the christmas lights . the sons and i called em " christmas guts " just to be jerks . 

mostly the four of us would be found on our homemade trike built for 4 people . 

what im sayin is ; the holidays ' alone '  arent going to affect me much . im used to that . i lost the kid i was the closest to and thats hurtin more every day . im not a memento type of person so my ex is welcome to any and all old photos i might have of jake . i had ( my only ) tattoo done of him on my left arm only days after his death and its all i need . jake would be shocked , knowing tatts arent really my thing . ill try to post it here but im not sure how badly it will be cropped . 

and thank you all for support that has already begun . 20161007_170258.jpeg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hoosierguy.........I'm so sorry for your loss of your dear son in such a

tragic and violent way.   While we never want to see more parents

coming to this site, since your tragic loss, we are glad that you have found

your way here.  Please come back when you are able to.   Your loss is so

very recent, and your heart is broken,.....but at this site, you will find

those who understand the pain and sorrow of losing a beloved child.

Peace to you.

 

Georgina-------Yes......this time of year is so very difficult, with all the memories

we have of our darlings who are not here with us.   The pain is so deep.  

Sending thoughts & prayers that our love for our angels will somehow sustain

us and get us through yet another difficult holiday season.  Peace to you, my BI friend.

 

Dee------Our nights have been hovering around 10 degrees.....sometimes lower, but

no actual below zero temps.  It is to get warmer......in the 30's  soon.  Your exercise

sessions in the warm pool sounds just divine.  Very good for the muscles, and 'aching bones'

if you have them.  :)

 

Dianne-----Hang on......All of us in the Midwest..having been in the grips of a cold snap,

should see temps warming up some soon. I hope so.

 

Wendy-----Beautiful little baby boy, Maddox.  Congratulations!    Thanks for posting the pic.

 

Stevesmom----thanks for the nice screenshot that speak to the heart.  Also for the pics.

 

Susan----thank you for the insightful post. How I remember when that reality hit me.....

she's not here......and she's not coming back...Little Lisa.  And years later.....'he's not

here...and he's not coming back' .  I'm sure that this reality has hit each one of us all, like bricks raining

down when the numbness & shock wore off.  I pray that we can all somehow find some strength, and

comfort in our golden memories of our angels. 

 

WISHING   PEACE   AND   COMFORT  TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hoosier Guy, I will write more later, I am just beat today. I want you to know however, that the place you find yourself, the aching more than you thought at this point...is normal. Most of us found that the first big layer of shock wears away at around the 3 or 4 month mark, which is right where you are. I was raw at that point, as though slapped again with Erica's death. There are many layers of shock, most of us didn't even really think we were under the protective coat of shock, but boy, when it wears off, it is like a bad trip. Hang tight, the only way through it is actually, through it. No going around it, no hiding from it, it simply demands your heart and soul to face it and learn from it. You will too. I am not saying you need to, I am saying that no matter what, you will learn from it. Do your Son proud, shine his light wherever you can, make some changes that you know he would smile from. I am so sorry for your deep loss.

Dianne, I mistakenly told you I loved the horse photo when in fact it was Maryanne. I apologize to you both. Looking forward to winter break...slow down and have time here to really visit.

Peace All, one day

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hoosier Guy....the very nature and way you write...it is true...you are a strong old man....and a very free spirit....and those traits will always serve you well. But this kind of grief has no favorites. This kind of grief will go deep to the white, black, brown, yellow, red parent. This kind of mourning will paralyze the African woman living in a hut...the wealthy man living in a mansion....the celebrated artist living in California...the politician living in Washington DC....the nurse/Dr running down the halls of a hospital giving their all to help heal....this kind of grief is like 'the rain that falls on the just and unjust'. Your grief journey will be as unique as your child is unique. The shock suit will fit very tight in the first two years. I can truly say that the biggest shock...or realization to me was the fact that I always thought I had such Super Human power/control....to keep my children from all harm. I had to come to grips that I only had Super Human Love. It is as if we are plopped own in a foreign country and do not know where we are nor do we speak the language...without a compass or map....we have to find our way on this earth home without our child. I call it the grief journey. This is a day to day journey. We come to this site to reach out and give care and compassion....the other truth I learned is that until you lose a child..there is no way one can understand this kind of grief. We all walk in the same shoes. I do hope that you/detectives can find who murdered your handsome son. I like your tattoo...my GRANDdaughter had a tattoo on her arm from a part of a letter John David wrote about her and her twin. My John David passed in 2012...I am still learning how to carry my grief. About the holidays....I so wish I could pole vault over them and land on my feet in January...but I have a large family...and must carry on and collect what stamina I can to create the traditions and make those memories for my GRANDchildren. Peace to you.

ScreenShot827.jpg

ScreenShot203.jpg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now