Loss of an Adult Child

[mattsdad]

As a Dad,

If not for BI

I would be unable to carry on.

Bad enough that we ALL hurt, but as a male we find it hard to verbalise our feelings.

Thank God for kirksdad and alwaysmyjennifer, for without them I would not know how other DADS feel out there.

Please, if I left any other dads out there off my list, forgive me, but it has been a llloonnnggg day. (spent 4 hours plowing snow yesterday--not as young as I wish I was...It takes a while to recover).

Jeff

[mattsdad]

Briansdad,

You are also included.

Now I know how it might feel if I was awarded the Academy Award. You ALWAYS leave someone off your list. .

Jeff

[jscmom]

For Rose, I agree that this site my be a downer but isn't this why we are here? All of us who post here are in a down mood. My God our lives have changed forever, no of us a or will be completly happy or at least I know I won't.

We didn't wanted to join this site Rose, but we are here because of our losses. I needed to know I wasn't going crazy expecting John to walk in and ask whts for dinner? I needed to know it was OK to hate the world and all the evil people in it. I needed to know that my thoughts of wanting to be with my son were normal.

I needed to know that it still hurts years later and no one can are tell us to move on and be happy and we have to do it.

I have met many very caring and understanding hurting mom's and dad's who tell me it is ok to feel like we do on different days. And yes most days for myself are bad but I find myself getting through it.

My heartache will always be I know this we all know this, sometimes we just need to vent and a shoulder to cry on who KNOWS this pain without passing judgment. I am sorry you feel as you do about this site. I thank God there is some place I can go even if it is to reassure myself I am not losing it.

I thank you all for helping me these last 14 months.

God bless may we all find some peace

Johnny's mom forever 22

03/22/82-10/10/04

Memory of.com John S Correia-Hartsell

[mamabets]

For all of the men in my life here at Beyond Indigo- You are truly amazing and my Danny is safe, knowing that you are all in this with me. He thanks you every day, as do I, and loves you all, as much as I do. xoxomamabets

[mom2angels]

{{{Rose}}}

As I am fairly new to this group, I cannot offer an opinion about past posts here.

But, I can offer what I’ve experienced in the past 29 months since my son, Michael, passed at the age of 32 from septic pneumonia.

Until I came here, I had no one but my husband to talk to about my grief, and soon, I felt that I was burdening him, for he is also grieving. So, I clammed up and stuffed it all down. Then, I became ill, and I needed to confront all that I had been repressing to begin the healing process.

Essentially, I worked through it on my own through prayer and journaling. For some reason, it never occurred to me to look here for support. But I was led to this place now for a reason.

It is unhealthy to hold it all in, to not express every level of grief we feel, as I discovered. And, it is difficult to find others who are willing to listen or are able to understand the excruciating and immense pain we feel, which is why this site was created and probably why most parents come here.

In just my brief time here, it appears to me that most of the parents posting are in the early stages of grief, like yourself, a year or less of grieving. As I’ve learned, this is a crucial time in the process, when we should be reaching out to each other.

In these early stages, grief is so new and raw, and our minds, emotions, and actions can sometimes become a tangled mess of confusion. And sometimes it’s helpful to have a place to dump all of the garbage, vent, spill your guts, and get it out of our systems.

Reassurances that what we are experiencing is within the norm among others, who are also grieving for their children, is a healing tool, as is receiving comfort, support and advice from others who may be farther along in their journeys.

While we all have many things in common here, we are each unique individuals with our own histories, needs, and ways of coping. All that any of us can do is our best each day, taking it one step at a time.

It’s unfortunate that you find this site to be a “downer.” Perhaps it isn’t the best place for you to find what you are seeking at this time.

I hope that you don’t interpret the responses you have received here as being “ganged up on.” As a semi-outsider, I read hurt, vulnerability, and defensiveness in these responses. Folks here are apologizing to you for depressing you with their grief, while at the same time explaining to you why they need to talk about it.

Maybe it would be helpful if you could tell us your thoughts on ways to elevate our discussions from the misery and the down times more frequently (recognizing that the down times need to be discussed). Maybe you could suggest some topics or even start discussions about topics you would like to explore. Could you possibly share with us what we might do to make you feel more comfortable here, or to better meet your grieving needs?

I’m sure that no one here wants to make anyone else here ever feel worse. And, I would venture to guess that everyone here would agree that no matter how difficult we thought our lives were before our children passed, it all pales in comparison to how hard our lives are now. That’s why we need each other to light the way through the dark days.

Rose, I am so sorry for your loss of your beloved son, Nicholas. I will remember Nicholas, along with all of the other wonderful angels from this forum, when I light my candles at 7:00 tomorrow night. May you always feel Nicholas very near you and may God grant you peace and comfort

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[dougsmom]

I am new to this group. As I browsed the site and read the posts, I saw so many others were suffering and experiencing the pain and emotion that we are experiencing first hand ourselves -- although I would not wish this pain and suffering on anyone, it was comforting to see that we are not alone -- that the feelings we are experiencing are the same for all of us who have lost a child.

We lost our son, Doug, on 10/13/2005 at the age of 35. He was so full of life and vitality. His death remains unexplained. He went to work as usual; nothing out of the ordinary. His company was conducting their annual sales conference. His co-workers say he was his usual jovial self. He gave his presentation at the end of the day. For entertainment and relaxation, the company had reservations at a new adult go-cart center. After riding, he checked in the car and went to get a drink of water and collapsed -- he never revived. The co-workers who were with him saw no signs of discomfort or any other signs of distress prior to his collapse. An autopsy was conducted -- they ruled out a heart attack or an aneurysm. The death certificate was issued with cause of death stated as "pending investigation." We still do not have the lab results and are preparing ourselves to never know why Doug died. It has been speculated that he may have died from sudden cardiac death where the heart goes haywire, the heart rythym goes out of sync and the person dies; there are no signs in the blood for this type of death.

Regardless of what caused his death the end result is the same -- Doug is no longer with us! We miss his so very much. I miss the sound of his voice, his bright smiling face, his upbeat demeanor -- I miss it all. To think that we will never see him again is just unbearable. What I hate the most is the loss of the future -- all the "could have beens" and all the "should have beens" that were ahead of him. The children that he will not have -- they talked of starting a family and he would have made such a wonderful father; he had so much to offer; he was such a giving, loving person. Everything was going so well in his life -- wonderful wife, good job and a wide circle of good friends. I don't know why nor do I understand why he was taken from us so soon. He had so much more to accomplish.

[daveydow1]

Alice24,

My prayers are for you on your angel day Dec. 11. May

you find some solace and comfort somehow. Peace be with

you.

[daveydow1]

To all on BI,

To reach out and try to help others in the time of

one's own misery and grief, is a blessed thing in

the human condition of sorrow.

[julsmom]

Dougsmom - I am sorry for your recent loss. Our 27 y/o daughter died 10/13/2003 in a one car crash. May you find peace.

TO ALL - I am sorry that this Board is having controversy. I believe this is a safe place to write, explore our feelings, know that others are feeling the same.

I also believe it is a place of hope, because I read the posts of those who are further in this journey and I see that they are functioning, laughing, living again. It is a DIFFERENT life, but I do find comfort that it does move on. And those of who can give encouragement to others and those of us who cannot find peace and comfort with those who understand.

Peace to all, Lynda

[heartbrokendad]

Dear friends,

As a father who has lost two children not 8 minutes apart, but 8 months, I think I can speak to this issue..We all grieve in different ways, and what is said here are our expresions of how we are feeling that day, or at that time. I try not to let what others say bother me, as I know where they are coming from, as I probably have felt that way at one time or another.

I think we should take what we need from here, and leave the things that we dont, as in most cases what people here are saying probably dosent apply to me anyway.

I hope we all find some comfort here, and that we can HELP each other..

As always,

your friend, Stu

Carrie and Matthews dad

[rhonda68]

Hi friends I am off to the funeral home for a memorial candle light service. I will be traveling today about 2 hours too go be with my son at his grave as this is the worldwide candle event for all of our children that have gone too soon. I will stand at his grave and light a candle and say a prayer for everyone and you will be in my thoughts!

Rhonda Richards Mom Oct 9.1985-Feb 23.2005 In My Heart Forever!

[runnersmom]

To all:

I believe there is hope here – just reading and realizing that you are alive and able to speak and write about your grief is an amazing achievement. Every day we are greeted with “how’s it going?, or “how are you today?,” not heart-stopping questions for most people, but – Every time I hear this, my gut reaction is -- I seem to be breathing, so I must be OK. When part of you dies and you feel as though you yourself have died, it is continually surprising to find that life goes on.

I see hope in these posts in that people are here to help each other (and themselves). I “lurk” more than I post, but I take to heart everyone’s pain and in doing so hope that by being shared it is lessened in some minute way.

Yesterday I went to the memorial service for the young marine killed in Iraq – his family’s second loss of a child in a year. In the midst of such tragedy, I found this note - This is what he wrote me after my son’s (his friend and teammate) death last April – “this is not the last we get to see of him….this is a pause until we can meet him again.” No matter a person’s personal spiritual beliefs, that was an amazing and comforting thought that I was able to share with his mother – his pause was shorter than we could have imagined.

As always, I thank everyone for the help and support they give here.

[daveydow1]

Runnersmom,

Your post has said it all very well. Thank you for sharing

the contents of the note from your dear son's friend, who

lost his life all too soon too. My prayers are with you and

and for the other family. Peace be with you all.

Davey's mom.

1971--2003 with love to

him forever.

[kathy714]

Dear Dougsmom,i am so sorry for the loss of your son Doug,and i can relate to the feelings of not knowing what happened or the cause,i loss my 21 year old son on his birthday last Jan,and cause of death is basically unknown.I spend my hours wondering what happened that night.This is a wonderful site to come to ,and to find some support during this differcult time.You will be in my thoughts and prayers T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[kathy714]

Dear Alice24,You are in my thoughts and prayers today,may you find some peace today...T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[kathy714]

Dear Rhonda,that is so nice that the funeral home is doing a memorial,you said that it is worldwide,i am now going to light a candle and say a prayer in memory for my son and for parents everywhere,who have also lost children.T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[mom2angels]

{{{Doug’s Mom}}} ~ Please accept my deepest sympathy and empathy for you in the loss of your wonderful son, Doug. I cannot imagine your shock at the suddenness of his leaving and your anguish over the mystery of why. The question of “why?” must be common among many parents here, as so many have lost their children to unexpected occurrences. My son was ill his entire life, so I was prepared for his passing, to the extent that one can be prepared. Doug sounds like a great guy, and your pride in him shines through your words. May you always feel Doug very near you. My prayers are with you for your healing, peace and comfort.

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[mom2angels]

{{{Alice24}}}~ Thinking of you today and sending prayers of peace and comfort for your on this first Angel Day ~

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[mom2angels]

{{{HUGS}}} To All~

At 7:00 p.m. this evening, my husband, son, and I will be lighting many candles in Michael's room, where our Christmas tree is located, as well as around Michael's Memory Garden, in the center of which we have a waterfall/pond.

I have made a list of many of your names and your children's names, as well as a list of children, who have passed, from two other forums, to which I belong.

Our ceremony will include sacred Native American flute music, prayer in gratitude for the blessings of our children's lives, celebrating their lives and light with our candles, honoring their memory by reading their names, and prayer for healing, peace and comfort for their parents and those who love them and miss their Earthly presence.

Our hearts will be one with yours tonight.

God Bless~

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[terryd]

Wow, Jim it has been awhile. My heart always feels heavy when I visit and see so many new names and posts. For all of you who I do not know, I have been a member of this club for 4 1/2 years. Beyond Indigo is still the place as it was where I spent so many hours knowing everyone who was here, really did understand and so supported me and helped me help those around me who needed it. My Son Mikey passed in May 2001. Today unlike any other day started the same but got increasingly hard. The past two weeks have been for no other words " depressing". I have found my self wanting to be alone, not engaging, sad and refusing to let my self go there.

There, the place where over time you learn how to manage your emotions in public because people just do not want to hear it any more. God, I do not want to sound like a downer, for the most part, I have had a great year, but I really have to be a private griever, or mother because everyone has had to move on. But then, hear I am... my Mom and Dad has soooo much faith, that their comfort and grief is blest. Both my daughter and I, have our weanut moments, yes that is our make believe word that we both would understand if we were simply just missing Mikey. My life partner is a wonderful person but there is no room for conversation. He will listen but as he says, he can not engage because there is no way he can ever understand. My dearest friends, I mean my very dear friends, too, forget, there joy is a silent sword, where I can simply pretend and be joyous for their children and now grand children, that I will never have from my son.

Maybe it is the heaviness of pretending with the holidays that everything is wonderful... maybe it is that I feel I have to pretend.

Sorry... Simply miss him sooo much

Terryd

Jim, is this simply another piece of this process. Sometimes this feels harder.

Because nothing feels real or maybe even better said, now we know it is real and there is absolutely nothing... nothing we can do.

I never thought, anything could be harder than what we have been through but this is different. It hurts like a son of a ------.

[terryd]

Wow, Jim it has been awhile. My heart always feels heavy when I visit and see so many new names and posts. For all of you who I do not know, I have been a member of this club for 4 1/2 years. Beyond Indigo is still the place as it was where I spent so many hours knowing everyone who was here, really did understand and so supported me and helped me help those around me who needed it. My Son Mikey passed in May 2001. Today unlike any other day started the same but got increasingly hard. The past two weeks have been for no other words " depressing". I have found my self wanting to be alone, not engaging, sad and refusing to let my self go there.

There, the place where over time you learn how to manage your emotions in public because people just do not want to hear it any more. God, I do not want to sound like a downer, for the most part, I have had a great year, but I really have to be a private griever, or mother because everyone has had to move on. But then, hear I am... my Mom and Dad has soooo much faith, that their comfort and grief is blest. Both my daughter and I, have our weanut moments, yes that is our make believe word that we both would understand if we were simply just missing Mikey. My life partner is a wonderful person but there is no room for conversation. He will listen but as he says, he can not engage because there is no way he can ever understand. My dearest friends, I mean my very dear friends, too, forget, there joy is a silent sword, where I can simply pretend and be joyous for their children and now grand children, that I will never have from my son.

Maybe it is the heaviness of pretending with the holidays that everything is wonderful... maybe it is that I feel I have to pretend.

Sorry... Simply miss him sooo much

Terryd

Jim, is this simply another piece of this process. Sometimes this feels harder.

Because nothing feels real or maybe even better said, now we know it is real and there is absolutely nothing... nothing we can do.

I never thought, anything could be harder than what we have been through but this is different. It hurts like a son of a ------.

[terryd]

Jim... where are the old archive posts...

Thanks

TerryD

[kirksdad]

Terry, I don't think they can be accessed, I have asked about them before, but I will ask again, surely there is some way to get them back, I will see. It is good to hear from you. Everything you say rings so true. It is hard to watch others as their life progresses and ours seems to be a little stuck in what we are going through. It is hard for others to realize the depth of our loss. Unfortunately one has to go through it to understand. How has your daughter been doing, ours is still having a hard time, I want so much for her and at times I think I see her breaking through the fog, but then something happens to pull her back. It is hard to watch, hoping for happiness, thinking at sometime it will happen. I am glad to hear your man is willing to listen, but as you know he is right because unless one goes through this they have no clue.

Today I went to church and had such a hard time, it seems I was sitting in a spot where everyone has a little boy, there were about 7 of them and all I could think about was why I had to lose mine. One wants to be happy for them, but always in the back of ones mind is why did it have to happen to us. Like you things are better and this year seems to have gone really well, even when I have some set backs. Time does have a way of healing a little at a time. Anyway it is good to hear from you and I will check into the posts. Jim

[enufalreddy]

Yes...I admit it...I am a lurker also. Sometimes I can't find the words to tell you all how I feel but when I read the posts I know I belong here. Next Monday will be 8 months since my son Walter passed away. The holidays have brought on a lot of extra painful memories and a lot of tears. But they are good memories. I just don't seem to handle them well right now. Maybe I never will be able to again but at least I have them. I did not put up a tree this year. I can't even go through the box of ornaments and decorations. I can't bear seeing the little cardboard reindeer with the tin foil antlers that Walt made in first grade. He always picked on me for putting it on the tree every year. He even threatened to steal it and throw it away. Thank God I still have it. But I can't go there this year.The grandkids are the only thing that brings me any joy these days.I put up a few decorations around the house for them but I bought them all new to avoid opening that box with the cardboard reindeer in it.Now after sitting here "talking" about it all I want to do is run up to the attic and get that reindeer and hold it . So what if I cry...I will cry anyway. I certainly don't know how to handle any of this emotionally. Maybe there is no right or wrong way.Thank you all for being here.For letting me know that if I am crazy at least I'm not alone....Erma

[mamabets]

For all of my friends here at Beyond Indigo- Know that we are all together, always, no matter where we may be... I hope for all of us that the chain continues, for my faith lies within each and every one of you. During your darkest hours, you have all helped me and I only hope that I am doing the same. May the next few weeks pass, as all do, and bring us to a place of renewed strength- Remember, time does pass and with more time will come more acceptance of some kind, I believe. I am here for all of you and can not begin to thank each and every one of you for always being here fo me!! xoxomamabets

[kirksdad]

Erma, I remember that first Christmas only in that we didn't do anything, didn't put up decorations, stayed at home, didn't want to be around the family. The pain was just too much to bear. The pain one feels, especially during this time of the year, in the beginning is just way too much to put out there for others to deal with. We can't even deal with it. What you said about the ornament was so moving. I understand. We have, since that time been into, the ornaments and there are a lot of memories there. You do what is best for you. If you want to hold that ornament and cry your eyes out you deserve it. You do it when ever you are ready. Jim

[Artina]

Dear Friends,

I have been away for a while, but want all of you to know that the most important piece each of us can take from Beyond Indigo is "what we need". As I have said so many times before, "leave what you don't need". We are here for each other- at no cost. As a grieving parent, I give each and every one of you the unconditional support to ask for what you "need" and to say what you "feel" (for that is what I want too).

Peace to all... unconditionally- Tina

[daveydow1]

Erma,

Thanks for your post. It reminded me of how I also cannot bring

myself to get out the "old" Christmas decorations & ornaments.

You mentioned the dear little reindeer with foil antlers that

Walt made in grade school. When my son Davey was about 9 and

his sister, Becky 3, we bought plain white plaster ornaments

that you paint yourself, and there was a little round indentation

for putting a photo of each child. We painted them, put ribbons

on for hanging, and cut school photos down to size to glue onto the

ornaments. As Dave and Becky got older, and along with their older

brother & sister, they would all tease each other about those funny

little school photos and jokingly threatened to get rid of them. As

you say, they remain little treasures--especially now. I have not

been able to get them out. I gave the Christmas tree to Becky. Too

painful to do much else. It's a tiny plug-in fiber optic tree for us

now. This season is just filled with too much stress for me. I choose

to just be an onlooker on the sidelines when it comes to all the

festivities and gaity out there. Bless you and Peace be with you.

[dougsmom]

Kathy714/Roslyn, thank you for your kind words.

Our grief is still so fresh (only 2 months) and having to confront the holidays just compounds it. We have no desire to be festive -- how can we be? We're all just going through the motions (and not doing a very good job of it) for the sake of the extended family. Everything we do reminds us that Doug is not here to enjoy the festivities. We remember all the things he used to do and how he would have reacted. How he loved a party! And he so enjoyed having the entire extended family around. At Thanksgiving dinner my nephew said, "All the family gatherings are going to suck now that Doug's not here! Who's going to make us laugh?" Indeed, who will make us laugh now . . . I think he took our laughter with him.

[mamabets]

For Dougsmom- It seems as if saying welcome to you is not the way life should be for you now, but in the throws of your agony, we do welcome you with open hearts. My son Danny died at age 25, in June, 2004, and I only wish that I had found Beyond Indigo then. Please know that we all feel anything and everything that you are feeling and that this is one place where you will never, ever feel alone. I remember being 2 months into this and being in such denial. This family that we have created here, has a way of gently helping with that part of it, not to mention other parts of the whole process. You will find a new type of hope, reading posts from people that have been here for quite sometime, while you clearly see yourself in those that are exactly where you are. This will give you faith in the human spirit. All of it combined takes a tremendous amount of courage on your part, to be willing to reach out in your darkest hour. I pray for your continued strength to lean on us and remember, all you have to do is know that we are here for you. Be gentle with yourself for the rest of forever!!! xoxomamabets

[aprilsmom]

Hey mamabets, here's a smile for ya. I went up to Seattle to hear my brother-in-law sing in "Voices of Christmas" and stopped in at a coffee house called Easy Street. I ordered a latte and the girl said, "This is for you, special". She poured cream through the foam INTO THE SHAPE OF A HEART! Take Care, Renee

[mamabets]

For Artina- I have missed you- Hope that you are getting through this time of the year, knowing that you are so special!! There will be no "celebrating", as it once was, here. My hub and I have decided to take it all as it comes and just try to treat it like any other time. I am enjoying passing things on to my newly married Jackie- It is time and I must try to keep this as stress free as possible. I am trying very hard to listen to my heart, not my head. Especially now. Danny and his Liana used to come every year right after Christmas, and now Jackie and Julia are in Chicago with our new son in law, Josh. This will be my first Christmas ever without my kids... I will be here ALOT!! Be in touch and God Bless You and yours!! xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Aprilsmom- YEAH!!! I wrote to Artina before reading yours, and told her that she is "special"- Go see!! And, a beautiful "heart" just for you... Did you squeal?? It really is awesome when it is so vividly clear- Like I have said to my Dean, who is somewhat skeptical, when things like this happen "If it isn't a message from Danny, then what is it"- He then agrees!! How are you holding up with the holidays?? You went to see your brother in law sing- That was great to hear! I am quietly pressing on- Doing what I can, and not worrying about what I just can't. This will be my first Christmas without my kids-!! Thanks for the "make me smile" story- It did that, as it warmed MY heart...xoxoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Daveydow1- Not to worry, my dear- I too, am not decorating like I once did- I am passing things on to Jackie, so she can start her own tradition- She just got married in November, and she loves this time of the year- Always a fun, fun time for her, celebrating with Danny. They were only 14 months apart, so always the best of pals. We will all just hang out right here at Beyond Indigo, and find our gifts amongst each other, OK??!! xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Maskott- How are you holding up?? Am thinking about you and feel your struggle... How are Scott and Kristen managing? Gosh, I feel so for them too- Jackie was so angry at first, completely shut down- Then, Danny showed her a way ...And he taught her where to go in her head with the torture- A gentler way- The kids tend to get strength from their lives spent with their sibling before this shock. They stay there, almost as if it hasn't happened, and that is a good thing.What tools do any of us have now? These young lives have been dealt a tremendous blow, and it is a deep, deep, sense of remembering all good memories, that seems to eventually sustain them. Jackie will never forget Danny's passing, but her blessed little self naturally wants to be in a period of time that once was.In time, everything in time, for her strength amazes me.Her innocence breaks my heart, but it too, gives her this inner strength that helps her to rally.And Julia- Only 5 when this happened-My God... But her outlook is purely contagious- SHE could write the book on playtime with Uncle...He has visited her on a regular basis!!Remember, I am here if you need me!! xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Mattsdad- I am thinking about you, and hope that you are remembering that we are all here for you. We WILL somehow get each other through the life changes surrounding this, knowing that we can't get around it. Always remember, if you can, that our angels are in a place of total calm, and they will never know anything close to this pain- EVER!! It helps when I remind myself of this- xoxoxomamabets

[ashleysmom]

To all,

I hope we can all have serenity and peace throughout this Christmas season.

I put up my tree two weeks ago and it was not as bad as I thought it would be. Last year I thought I would just die of a broken heart as I pulled out Ashley's ornaments. This year, as I pulled them out, I was able to think of the times when she made them or received them and it was a wonderful trip down memory lane. Times I hadn't thought of in years. The tears poured down my face, but it still felt okay. I'm having a hard time shopping. I have no strengh to trudge aimlessly around stores. I also have no desire to be gifted. Just want a peaceful holiday. Hope the same for all of you and your family,

Dottie

[mamabets]

For Ashleysmom- See, last year was easier for me. Danny had been gone for 6 months, and there is no question that I was still in shock. Although I recognize that now, I hope that someday I can feel motivated to decorate some. When I tell you that I have done not one thing to decorate, I am not kidding. My joy this year comes from handing things down to my newly married Jackie, finding special little things for the little ones in my life.My grandaughter Julia is wise to the Santa bit and it is very funny, if I must say. Spotted the costume, and eyeballed it BIG TIME!! My niece is expecting a little girl in March, so we are having fun doing her room. Jackie is buying her clothes- We are getting lost in Baby Sarah- I have such hope that once she is born, I then will have witnessed the complete circle of life, and perhaps my heart will rest a little easier. It took alot of work, patience and some pull from the angels above to create her, and my niece feels a very strong connection to Danny in that department. Happy Holidays to you, and I have hope when I read posts like yours!! Thank you!! How long ago did our Ashley join the angels?? How old was she? xoxomamabets

[alice24]

Hello, I have a very hard weekend from Friday until Sunday (1st angel date). I am so glad the date has passed and relieved some of my grief. I felt as if the date would not come, maybe it didn't happen or I could change the outcome. I relived every day before thinking of all the memories. It was heart breaking to relive the last days. As everyone else, I miss my son so very much.

Sunday night I attended a Candle Lighting with the Compassionate Friends. It was heart warming. I went with a friend, her daughter and I had my family around me. My friend, Linda, lost a daughter, Lori, in a car accident last January, 2005. On Monday a picture appeared in the newpaper of the Ceremony. In the picture was Linda and her daughter Kristy standing side by side, only the picture of the daughter next to Linda did not reflect Kristy, but the reflection was of Lori. It was the most chilling picture. Lori was definitely there with her mom.

Our children are there beside us at all times.

I am gald this 1st angel date is over, not to say my heart has changed, only the anticipation is over......

Thanks for all the prayers and candles. Love to All

[rmcaggiano]

To everyone::

I did read today some of the posts in reponse to mine the other day. I

think the way I came across to some might have been somewhate "strong".

My apologies to those. I don't know if anybody feels like me...........

Nothing and I mean nothing else could go wrong or when "ISN'T" there a

bad day, there is always something else to go wrong each and everyday.

Everyday my only thought and "FIXATION" is to have my son Nicholas back.

I don't know how even the smallest matters can even make a difference to any

one. When I read it's like I'm reading this "book" of EVERYTHING that is

happening to me, but, it doesn't matter because all I am wanting is for

my Nicholas to come back. Yeah, I do see a couselor regularly, however

it's only there that I feel a "closeness" to be able to speak to someone

"live" and I can share what I want to, (maybe none of this makes any

sense). I know if and when I COMPLETELY STAY STILL AND CONCENTRATE ON

NEVER SEEING HIM AGAIN, IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE NOTHING I'VE EVER FELT BEFORE.

ALMOST SUICIDAL!

Mom2Angels, Thank-you for your "special" words and thoughts, I must have

cried for so long when you told me that.

Rose

[alice24]

rmcaggiano: I am so sorry for your lost. I do know exactly how you feel. I lost my son at the age of 24 who was my life. He and I were so close and he was my heart and the center of our family. (2 daughters and myself) He loved living and his motto was Carpe Diem. Sieze the Day. I could not believe he was gone, but he worst part was I wanted him back. I prayed for him to come back, I pleaded with God, I screamed at God, I cried, yelled and everything else you could imagine. I can't explain the hurt and the hole in my heart. Sunday was his 1 year angel date and it was a terrible week leading up to the date. I am still in pain, but the only advice I can offer is to not dwell on the bad thoughts. He is not gone forever, don't dwell on the last time, but try to think this is a pause in time until we meet again and you can hug and kiss him forever. I will include you in my prayers as I too know how deeply you hurt. I know you don't want to smile or be happy. Neither do I, but we thankful he does not need to hurt as we are hurting. Peace be with you.

[kevsmom]

To Fred (Jaysdad)

Our son Kevin (age 25) still lived with us - he usually left for work by 7:30 a.m. - before me, so we usually chatted briefly before he left, but on 6/21/05 I was ready early. I got to the front door - even opened it and just stopped....for some odd reason I shut the door, went back in the kitchen and sat down - I remember thinking that I just wanted to see him - tell him to have a good day. Several minutes later he was still not out of the bathroom so I told myself I was being silly - I'd see him that evening like usual. I didn't see him alive again - he died in a motorcycle accident at 12:32 p.m.

For at least a month before that he was is a great mood, considerate and very sweet - not that he wasn't before, but this was a marked change. He made big plans for Mothers Day and for Father's Day - cards, gifts, brunch....he even paid!!!! At the Fathers Day brunch a photographer took pictures - we declined, they weren't even very good pictures of the 4 of us (including Kev's girlfriend), but, he insisted on buying 2 - one for his Dad and one for me....those were the last pictures of Kevin alive and a bittersweet memory.

I've processed this over and over - did I have a premonition that morning? Was his extra loving behavior a gift for his father and I to hold onto after...so many questions.

I've read many books on grief but I'm now interested in the hereafter....where is he, visions, dreams, communication with the dead. I've ordered 2 books - don't have the titles with me as I'm writing from work. He's only appeared in one dream in which I was sitting in a chair, in a dim room, when I felt his presence to my left. When I looked around he was standing there - I stood up and hugged him...it felt so good, he didn''t speak - I think I said he was thin...or maybe I only thought it. I would like to know more about dreams and how to be open to visits by him.

Next week will be 6 months - we are leaving for the holidays with our daughter and son in law, just can't stay here or decorate. He was our youngest...no grandchildren.

I enjoy coming to this board - it is painful, but it's pain I can relate to and it's healing to have a place to talk about things that can't be discussed with others who don't understand.

Irene

To KEVSMOM

Thank you for your post. Yes, it is indeed earie on how similar our son's death seem to be. You mentioned the strange things that heppened before the accident, could you talk about them some more?, Has the numbers representing Kevin's accident day (6/21/05) been reflected before the accident in any way?

I think that we feel more tired than "regular" people because our grief is still so new and this tension is always there, I mean, the knowledge of our loss really never leaves us, we go through the day and we have probably plenty of moments were everything seems almost normal, but inevitably, we sucumb to our grief numerous times throughout the day and night.

Thank all of you who personally responded to my first post.

On another note, I just got this book, thru amazon.com, called "Hello From Heaven!", by Bill Guggenheim & Judy Guggenheim... I just started reading it and I can tell you all, this book is already giving me so much hope and comfort, I'd recommend it to everyone here!!!

Thanks to all, God Bless You All.

Fred C.

jaysdad

[kirksdad]

Rose, there is nothing like talking to a person face to face. Writing here is wonderful, but so many times I write here because there just isn't anyone to talk to. You understand fully how that feels. Please don't worry about what you said the other day, in our world it really is understanable. Someitmes this pain can really lash out and to be honest there are times I get really depressed reading, but then I understand just like you do that everyone comes here with their own pain. Dealing with that pain takes time. I know that some of the responses might have been as strong, but we all understand and we all hurt, Sometimes we have positive things to say, but because of the hurt so many things can get negative, but we all need a place to say them. I take that negative talk and give it the understanding it needs and hope in time everyone will be able to feel a little positive about what is going on in their lives because the death of out children will always be painful.

[mom2angels]

Dear {{{Rose}}} ~ I’m so very sorry that my response made you cry. I certainly never ever intended to upset you.

I truly do understand your anguish and your longing to have your precious Nicholas back.

I took care of my son, Michael, every day of his life, and the void of his physical absence is gigantic. Now, his older brother’s health is deteriorating, and I am preparing myself to lose him as well. I don’t know what I will do then, as my whole reason for my Earthly existence will be gone. But for their sakes, I will do my best to carry on until we are reunited on the other side.

Just so you know…I do understand.

I apologize to you, Rose. I’m deeply sorry that I upset you, and I feel really awful. Please accept my sincere apology.

It seems that I was wrong in thinking that I might fit in or actually belong here with this group. I will take my leave of this forum now, but I will continue to pray for you, and for all of the parents here, who are enduring this incredible, indescribable pain, for strength, healing, peace and comfort.

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[mamabets]

For mom2angels- I beg of you- Please, please don't leave us- Never, ever...xoxomamabets

[alice24]

To Fred (Jaysdad)

Our son Kevin (age 25) still lived with us - he usually left for work by 7:30 a.m. - before me, so we usually chatted briefly before he left, but on 6/21/05 I was ready early. I got to the front door - even opened it and just stopped....for some odd reason I shut the door, went back in the kitchen and sat down - I remember thinking that I just wanted to see him - tell him to have a good day. Several minutes later he was still not out of the bathroom so I told myself I was being silly - I'd see him that evening like usual. I didn't see him alive again - he died in a motorcycle accident at 12:32 p.m.

For at least a month before that he was is a great mood, considerate and very sweet - not that he wasn't before, but this was a marked change. He made big plans for Mothers Day and for Father's Day - cards, gifts, brunch....he even paid!!!! At the Fathers Day brunch a photographer took pictures - we declined, they weren't even very good pictures of the 4 of us (including Kev's girlfriend), but, he insisted on buying 2 - one for his Dad and one for me....those were the last pictures of Kevin alive and a bittersweet memory.

I've processed this over and over - did I have a premonition that morning? Was his extra loving behavior a gift for his father and I to hold onto after...so many questions.

I've read many books on grief but I'm now interested in the hereafter....where is he, visions, dreams, communication with the dead. I've ordered 2 books - don't have the titles with me as I'm writing from work. He's only appeared in one dream in which I was sitting in a chair, in a dim room, when I felt his presence to my left. When I looked around he was standing there - I stood up and hugged him...it felt so good, he didn''t speak - I think I said he was thin...or maybe I only thought it. I would like to know more about dreams and how to be open to visits by him.

Next week will be 6 months - we are leaving for the holidays with our daughter and son in law, just can't stay here or decorate. He was our youngest...no grandchildren.

I enjoy coming to this board - it is painful, but it's pain I can relate to and it's healing to have a place to talk about things that can't be discussed with others who don't understand.

Irene

To KEVSMOM

Thank you for your post. Yes, it is indeed earie on how similar our son's death seem to be. You mentioned the strange things that heppened before the accident, could you talk about them some more?, Has the numbers representing Kevin's accident day (6/21/05) been reflected before the accident in any way?

I think that we feel more tired than "regular" people because our grief is still so new and this tension is always there, I mean, the knowledge of our loss really never leaves us, we go through the day and we have probably plenty of moments were everything seems almost normal, but inevitably, we sucumb to our grief numerous times throughout the day and night.

Thank all of you who personally responded to my first post.

On another note, I just got this book, thru amazon.com, called "Hello From Heaven!", by Bill Guggenheim & Judy Guggenheim... I just started reading it and I can tell you all, this book is already giving me so much hope and comfort, I'd recommend it to everyone here!!!

Thanks to all, God Bless You All.

Fred C.

jaysdad

[alice24]

I also lost my 24 year old son to a motorcycle accident. It is a terrible feeling. I have had only one dream where I held him and talked to him. It was in heaven and he told me that he knew I kept asking for him to return, but he stated that he was fine and he did not want to come back. He felt so real and so good to hold.

I am trying to open up and be able to dream again. No luck. I, like you, am interested in ways to communicate with him. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

[rmcaggiano]

Mom2Angels:

Oh! no! DO NOT APOLOGIZE! NOTHING you have said to me has offended me. I

know like yourself, sometimes when someone speaks of "our" children and it

can only bring us to tears, there was ABSOLUTELY NOTHING OFFENSIVE in what

you said to me. Your words meant more to me than you know! I know that

we all are walking on a path that only we who have lost our children can

fully "know" the absolute anguish we feel. I am here at work, that is when

I go online and read these posts, and the day you told me that you were going

to light a candle for my son Nicholas, I know he saw you.

Rose

[mamabets]

For Alice24- The book Hello From Heaven is excellent- It really helps you not only understand the other side, but it can give you detailed guidance on how to connect on a regular basis, if you so chose. Let me know!! xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For rmcaggiano- This struggle of ours is felt among all of us. I hope that you spend more time here with us because it is the only place where everybody understands each other on a fairly regular basis. We all know what it is like to be angry, scared, doubtful and most of all negative. There can never be anything positive about losing a child and one can never be prepared. Keep coming back to spend time among those of us that truly feel your pain- Sometimes just reading what the others have to say, helps. Sometimes writing and writing, helps. You never know- Sometimes just staying away for a bit helps. All I know is that I am constantly embraced here and it feels right, now that I have been thrust into this thing called "for the rest of my life"...xoxoxomamabets