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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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Hello everyone. I'm still kicking. Thinking about next month, Brian turns 33.Damn I'd have loved to see where he would be in his life now.Probably flying high. Unlike mine that seemed to stagnate since he died. But I keep forging ahead looking for little twinkles of hope.

I do find them and that makes them so much more special to me.

So my wish for all of my friends here is many twinkles of hope and the wisdom to recognize them when they are there.

Greg

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HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY........TRISTAN.

Andy----Thinking of you on this day which I know is so very painful. Just

keep coming back to BI, if you can. We're here to listen to your sorrow

pouring out. We've all been there, and know just how difficult it can be

to carry on after losing a beloved child. Your dear Tristan is always with

you. The love is always there to connect you. Peace to you.

Shelly----Good to see your post. I hope that you won't have anymore

problems getting back on BI. We miss you when you aren't on here. :)

Greg-----Nice to see your post. Yep---it's so hard to see your Brian's

birthdays come and go. The sorrow comes through in your post.

Sending thoughts & prayers.

Mikesdad----I totally agree with you. All of our people in the service of

our country deserve our thanks and respect. Your dear son, Mike was

so brave, and is a hero. My husband came home from Vietnam

in 1967 to Oakland, Calif. and was face with anti-war demonstrations, with

people carrying signs with bad stuff written on them, and someone spit

on his uniform. Thank goodness most of that stuff has faded out., but

our vets from Iraq, Saudi, and all Gulf Wars are truly brave heroes. Peace

to you, friend.

Dee----Nice enough day today. I got a burst of artistic energy, and started

doing a painting. I've tried out a new set of water-mixable oil paints that

I've had for quite some time, and hadn't gotten around to using them.

While I just 'dabble' at it......the art gives me something to occupy myself

with. Also did some cleaning in the basement where I paint near a window.

I called my mom and invited her to dinner on Easter Sunday, but she graciously

declined due to health. Becky & family will be going to WVA to her in-laws,

my other daughter has plans, and son in southern Ohio can't make it home

(has to work), so it will be just my husband and myself. Quiet day. Will

you be getting guests on Easter?

WISHING PEACE AND A RESTFUL NIGHT FOR ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

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And twinkles to you Greg, so good to see you. I have wondered how you are and knowing that April finds us both thinking of the birth of our Dear Children, I knew you were probably feeling the pull of that ache. Me too. But twinkles nevertheless as our Kids keep us aware of the gift of the seasons, the laughter of a child, the joy of a good fishing trip...Brian at 33 would be as sweet a guy as he was when he left. A real dearheart. And he is that and more smiling on his Daddy and family, and his Daughter.

Sherry, so glad that you were able to play with your new paints. How nice to find some creativity in your day. The sun shone all day long, two walks and sat on the deck to grade some papers. That is surely a sign of spring.

We will have brunch at Husband's sister's home and back home in the afternoon. Quiet-ish.

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westleysmom

Happy Heavenly Birthday Triston!

Andy-Thinking of you on this very hard day.

Greg-Good to see you. We all know that wondering what could have been.

Dee, Sherry, Carol, new and old friends on here and not always on here-I wish I could be on here more but most of the places where I have computer access won't let me come to the site. Its really weird. I miss you all and think of you as I try to find my way through the days. I'll see a beautiful sky and think of Erica, or a little VW bug and think of Mike, or a sweet little smocked baby dress and think of Baby Lisa. I miss being able to be here but have been so busy that it has been more than I have time to figure out. Take care and maybe I will get some breathing room soon and be able to get on more often.

Sweet Dreams of our angels to all

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Andrewsmojo

Hi everyone, this is my first time on this site. I lost my first born son Andrew on January 21, 2010. The worst day of my life. Andrew was the most amazing young man. He had a beautiful wife (married Oct. 11,2008), a beautiful 4 month old son who shared his name, a great job, he seemed to have it all. For approximately a month and a half he was having headaches on and off. Being in Ohio I said Oh its probably your sinusus and told him to make an appointment with his doctor. The morning of Jan. 20 his wife called me to get the doctors phone number. I told her just to take him to the ER. He had a bad headache and was throwing up. so he packed up his famiy and went ER. After an imitrex injection and a ct scan we found out he had a brain tumor. 4 hours later he was brain dead. He was put on life support and the next day the final test results concluded he was gone. We donated his organs and he was able to save 5 lives. It has been 3 years, 2 months and 7 days since he has been gone. The deep hurting, emptiness, and the other million emotions are as fresh today as they were then. I don't know how to do this "new normal" thing and I dont know that i even know what it is. All I know is that a huge part of my life is utterly destroyed. I try hard to enjoy the time with my other 3 children and my grandchildren but it's never complete. I just can't seem to get it together. My physical body is starting to turn on me. I just so want to be my fun self again. Missing my Andrew

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Thank you for all your wonderful thoughts and prayers,with out the knowlage that people can walk this path I do not think I could find the strength to do it alone.

Peace and Love Andy

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Rhonda, it is so nice to see your smiling Westley tonight, to read your sweet words. How nice of you to think of Eri when you see a certain kind of sky, so very nice. VW-and Mike, baby dresses and Lisa, so nice to know that.

Do you think that the site changed and that is why you cannot get on as easily as before. I used to get on at work but can't anymore, so I only get on before or after work.

Anyhow, what in the world is new? Are you well? How is husband and Daughter? What about CJ?Do I have that right?

When you get the chance, fill us in, we miss you.

Andrewsmojo, I am so sorry that you are aching with loss right now. Your SweetSon was gone way too soon, like all of us here. You came to the right spot to talk about Andrew and to share about what is going on in your life. So is your Grandboy, Andrew, 3 years old now? Does he live near you? Where in Ohio are you?

The new normal is different for each person going through grief like this. I needed help when Erica died, so at around the 6 month mark I went to therapy and found this place. Both have helped me immeasurably, and I have been here since, which is 9.5 years. I have been back to therapy a few times too, after the initial 2 years once I began after Eri died. Sometimes I have to go back to learn some new tricks as to how to deal with my anxiety. Right now is one of those times.

You hang in there, know that being here is one way to find some good help just by being able to talk about Andrew freely.

Peace All

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Mermaid Tears

I could not post on the site yesterday....have not been able to post photos for many days...

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Hmmmm, I wonder what is going on with our site? I hope Modkonnie can help us out here.

In the meantime, I hope everyone has a sunny day. The sun is shining in chicago, thankfully, and the birds are ravaging the seed. Flower heads have come up by a half inch from yesterday, springtime!

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Mom of Chip

Twinkle, twinkle, dear CHIP star,

How I wonder which one you are.....

All the twinkles that I see,

Keep me reminded

That you are up there

Watching over me.

Andrewsmojo--I feel your pain. I, too, thought my son's pain was minor. He stumbled one day, but righted himself..did not fall...but he felt a painful jab in his neck which he told me about right after it happened. He was living with us, and I watched him go thru some terrible painful days...but we thought it wasn't anything serious...probably the result of arthritis..even his sister, a nurse, thought it was minor..She told him to take Alleve. After 2-1/2 painful months he begged to go to the ER. I took him thinking they would give him powerful pain meds...but no...an X-ray showed he had fractured the C-3 vertebrae in his neck...and there were black spots on his spine. They rushed him to Baylor Medical Center in Dallas in an ambulance..where they put him in a brace and said they thought he had bone cancer...We went to a spine doctor and he said no...that the kind of spots he had on his spine were the result of cancer somewhere in his body...after many tests they determined it was his pancreas...it had metastasized to his spine, a lung and liver....they gave him 6 months to live...maybe more if radiation and chemo helped him....he was in and out of the ER and hospital for 5 weeks...then the last time he didn't make it..he died almost 5 weeks to the hour from the time the doctor diagnosed him...Many times I think...IF ONLY HAD WE GONE TO THE ER THE DAY HE STUMBLED....maybe more could have been done for him..and he might be with us today...

Take care of yourself, Andrewsmojo, that's what Andrew would want.

It's good to read everyone's accounts of their days.....helps me to know I am not just wallowing in grief, that I am feeling something that is normal...it is getting easier, but there are still some really bad times..I shed tears every day thinking of Chip...

This Sunday, there will be lilies on the altar at our church that members purchase in memory or honor of someone..Last Sunday I signed up for a lily in memory of Chip. When I tried to write his name I fell apart....and right now I am shedding so many tears I am having trouble writing to you about it. It is so painful....doesn't seem natural that I should be buying a lily for him.

Hope the days to come bring lots of twinkles to all of you....

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Music to my ears Dee! Love to hear that spring is at our doorstep. Hope you enjoy the lovely weekend. Andrewsmojo...I too am so sorry for your loss. I lost my own son Jeff just shortly before you. He has been gone 1,202 days. He suffered from severe depression. On December 12, 2009 we ate dinner as a family and he walked into his room and closed the door. A few hours later he was dead. His first and last attempt. We tried desperately to revive him, but it was too late. This pain seems so surreal for a very long time. Learning to live life again takes a huge amount of effort and a sincere desire to keep going. Many days at the beginning the desire is simply not there. The new "US" that we have to build seems so strange and unfamiliar. Why should we have to change when we were happy with our old life? Still what are the options? There simply are none. I find myself often in peaks and valleys. I want desperately to be able to talk openly about Jeff, but I find people just back away. It hurts so much not to be able to talk casually about him as if it is normal. And it is normal. It simply is uncomfortable for others and yet I no longer care that I make them feel uneasy. That is their issue to deal with. The pain will continue to come in waves as memories surface. That will always be. But your daily life will somehow begin to take new shape. And your child will always be a part of that new life. How could it be otherwise? After all...we are parents. Dee, I too am having trouble with this site. I can't use colours or post normally as I used to. Not sure why. Try as I may. Today is foggy and calling for sun later this afternoon. Think I will go for a walk after church. Thinking of everyone today. Mike's dad....hope today is good for you as you meet with your daughter for dinner tonight. Good luck! let us know how it goes. Surreal? Are you out there? Hope you are doing ok. Thinking of you. Sending love to all. Kate

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Del, all the what-ifs we tend to run through, all of that normal too, but boy, difficult to do. At some point, the what-ifs won't be as prevalent, somehow we realize that this place that our Babies are now, is where they don't have any pain, no tests, no treatments, no worries. Oh how we wish they were here instead, but the what-ifs won't help us in that. We all have guilt to why our kids are gone...had I kept Eri on the phone a few more minutes, even just two more minutes, that train would not have struck her car...she would have left her house 2 minutes later and so----well, you know.

As you approach a holiday and you mark His name for a lily your heart is left feeling raw, but these actions are really going to go a ways to helping heal some of the hurt.

LOVE your Twinkle poem to Chip.

Kate, yes spring is in the air though Monday back in the 30's it's okay. I do prefer a slow moving spring to give everything the time needed to develop and change. Not the drive-thru version.

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Mermaid Tears

Becky...our Warrior Mom....have been thinking about you and yours...also a prayer with the thoughts that you are finding a 'word' or 'phrase' that will open a door to what you have been searching for...

All the 'coulda...woulda...shoulda....all the IF things....if I had made her stay home...if he would have left 5 minutes later....if I had turned left....if I had turned right...if I had answered the phone...if I had taken him to the Dr......if I had taken her to the Other Dr.....if I had been home...if I had been over there....if we had not quarreled.....if I had checked on him sooner....if they had not gone with their friends...if they had not gone on that trip....if I had kept him home from school...and the BIG one....IF I HAD KNOWN....all these questions come up and all we do is open 'the door and all the Boogie Men' come out.....I don't know about everyone else....but I do know 'I and We' loved our children ...even when they grow to be the fine adult 'children'...the parent's love and caring and feeling responsible doesn't really 'fade' with the years...and we feel that jab of guilt and remorse....(for after all....it is programmed into our DNA that we protect our child from ALL harm).....those instincts just don't go away....ever....).....and then...what we have always feared the most...happens.....I have always said...when I became a Mother.....I became Morbid....I would hear something on the news about a child in an accident....or...someone telling me how someone's child died...and I would always imagine the 'what if it happened to mine'...but....I could never wrap that thought into a reality....but...now I can...I do know this for my truth... if now...I let the guilt..remorse...regrets...take over... I will become sick and paralyzed..and it would be for a lie....for the 'I and We' here...we are simply in grief and heartbroken..heart sick...but we should never carry the banner of shame and blame...

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Andrewsmojo - so sorry for the loss of your son. It is not natural for our child to leave before us...so unbelievable! My daughter died 6 months or so after your son, so we are on a similar timeline. I find that as life goes on, it becomes even more unbelievable, not less. With every passing holiday or season, it still slaps me upside the head. I think you are fortunate to have his son to love and care for. My daughter never had children and that makes me sad. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Greg - good to see your post. I love the "twinkles" you referred to. I pray God lets me see them when they are there.

Rhonda - Hi! I was glad to see your post as well. Hope you're getting along ok.

Andy - have a lovely dinner with your daughter!

To ALL Indigos - I pray for your peace on this Good Friday. May God come into our hearts and remind us that He holds our children now while we're still here, but we will see them again. I live for that day.

Love, Shelly

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Del, all the what-ifs we tend to run through, all of that normal too, but boy, difficult to do. At some point, the what-ifs won't be as prevalent, somehow we realize that this place that our Babies are now, is where they don't have any pain, no tests, no treatments, no worries. Oh how we wish they were here instead, but the what-ifs won't help us in that. We all have guilt to why our kids are gone...had I kept Eri on the phone a few more minutes, even just two more minutes, that train would not have struck her car...she would have left her house 2 minutes later and so----well, you know.

As you approach a holiday and you mark His name for a lily your heart is left feeling raw, but these actions are really going to go a ways to helping heal some of the hurt.

LOVE your Twinkle poem to Chip.

Kate, yes spring is in the air though Monday back in the 30's it's okay. I do prefer a slow moving spring to give everything the time needed to develop and change. Not the drive-thru version.

Dee and Del, I so agree about the what if's, etc. It can drive you crazy if you let it. I have another problem that has only magnified the pain of my loss. The judgement of other people. People that honestly think that due to my son's manner of death that he and we do not deserve compassion. It is just horrible. I do know that we have discussed many times on this forum the implications of depression. I am firmly convinced that this is a valid heath issue like all other illnesses. It seriously ticks me off when people treat it as a form of weakness. I pray that I will live to see the day that it will be proven that it is a chemical imbalance that can not be helped and must be treated properly like all other health issues. It turned into a beautiful day today. Brilliant sunshine and warm temps. It should be just lovely for Easter day.

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Andrewsmojo------I am so very sorry for your loss of your dear

son, Andrew. I can so understand your terrible shock, pain and

devastation at his death,....which was way before his time. Your

dear little grandson must be a great source of comfort to you,

along with the bitter regret that he doesn't have his daddy here

to help raise him and rejoice over his first steps, first words etc.

This site is a good place to come for understanding from people

who know, firsthand, the sorrow of losing a beloved child. Please

come back when you can. Peace to you.

Rhonda----Oh...so good to see Westley's dear smile. I do hope

that all the problems you have been having with trying to come

onto BI will be resolved soon. Hope you are doing ok.

Susan----I, so, agree with all that you said in your post. Thanks

for sharing.

Kate-----It's in the 50's here today, so a good time to get outside.

I went to the basement and got a wreath to hang on the back door

where everyone who comes here can see it. Glad that you are seeing

and hearing all the signs of spring, with the birdies etc. It sure does

bolster one's mood a bit.....to see signs of spring. Hope you have a

nice peaceful weekend.

Dee-----I sure do relate to what you said about the 'what-ifs', and if you

had just kept ERi on the phone a few minutes longer..........I too tortured

myself for a good while after Dave's death with those same kind of thoughts.

I said....."If I had only been at home that fateful day,....we would have been

engaged in our regular routine chit-chat , and he would have left home only

a few minutes later, and he wouldn't have been crushed by the truck with a sleeping

driver behind the wheel. That refrain....."only a few minutes....could have

prevented the most devastating day of our lives" . I guess that there is no way

that thought would not cross our minds, right? But, as Susan said....these

thoughts , while part of the new normal, can only weaken us, and we can get

in a terrible slump. I took a picture of a nice brown mourning dove sitting on

the bridfeeding stump out back. She was there all by herself for the longest time.

I think she may have been asleep.

Shelly-----Thanks for your kind and heartfelt wishes for the weekend for all Indigos.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

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Dee and Del, I so agree about the what if's, etc. It can drive you crazy if you let it. I have another problem that has only magnified the pain of my loss. The judgement of other people. People that honestly think that due to my son's manner of death that he and we do not deserve compassion. It is just horrible. I do know that we have discussed many times on this forum the implications of depression. I am firmly convinced that this is a valid heath issue like all other illnesses. It seriously ticks me off when people treat it as a form of weakness. I pray that I will live to see the day that it will be proven that it is a chemical imbalance that can not be helped and must be treated properly like all other health issues. It turned into a beautiful day today. Brilliant sunshine and warm temps. It should be just lovely for Easter day.

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Kate, I agree with you. Mental health issues are on my Mothers side of the family. After my daughter was born, I suffered from depression..Bad. I am still dealing with it. I understand how difficult depression can be to deal with. My prayers are with you.

Greg...Always good to see Brian's face. I got my car washed yesterday and they asked me about my "I 'm an Angel"s Mom" bumper sticker (that is in my back window). I told them about my Brian and how your Brian communicated this idea to you. I think about you often...Aaron now drives a 1998 Chevy Cavalier.

Rhonda...Also good to see Westley"s face. How are the grand babies? I am still a grandma wanna be. We will forever think about the wonderful uncle and father our boys would have been. We do have happy times now and that is a good thing. Sending my prayers to you and your family.

To all my friends...This year will be 5 years since our Brian died at 16 years old. I seem to be very weepy....my eyes keep leaking. I am in utter dis belief that it will be 5 years since I saw him....Coming to this site makes me realize I am not alone...There are people before and after me on this terrible journey and they are still standing upright and breathing!

Thank you all for coming here and making me realize there are a lot of us ...living and hopefully laughing sometimes too

Colleen Brian's Mom 4 ever

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Thanks Colleen for your support. I would like to explain who my son was. This young amazing man that others in family and surround area find so weak. He was the light of my life. He was tall and handsome. He had a winning smile and a heart of gold. He also loved life and showed respect to others. He gave people hope that despite making mistakes they always had another chance in his way of thinking. He worked for several years with a temporary employment agency that was started by an ex cop friend of his. He was the guy they turned to for a friendly chat. The one that never criticized them. Always a smile and a friendly voice. People that were just out of prison. People that had lost everything in life and turned there to make a new start. I will not kid you. He did not put up with any bs. But he was their friend. They used his name as a contact when they found themselves sick and without a family member or friend to call. He loved sports and was called the refrigerator as he filled the net when he wore his goalie equipment. He kept regular contact on the facebook with everyone no matter their status in life. He was a huge U2 fan. He also was very talented artistically. He was chosen by our local Art Gallery for lessons when he was a child. He excelled at all sports. Hockey, golfing, soccer, etc. He somehow could not believe in his own ability. Try as we may to have encouraged him. He was everyones friend. The first they contacted for support when they had a crisis in their lives. He could always be depended on for his unwavering support. A few nights before he died he came home concerned about a man that suffered from mental health issues. He was sleeping behind the building where they worked in sub freezing temps. He asked me if we had any sleeping bags and more blankets, etc. We put together a ton of stuff for him . He contacted the local drop in spots and found out the man suffered from mental health issues and refused to go there. He called the police, but they did not respond. What was one more homeless man left to die? He was years beyond his age in maturity and compassion for all. Nobody irregardless of their status made a difference. He loved everyone for who they were as a person. Oh, he got ticked off if they tried to make a fool of him... but he always looked to give them another chance. Not very often did they let him down. When he died they took up a collection and bought a card that they signed with notations beside their names as to why he would be missed. He was a young man that put everyone before himself. And so when others deem to offer their unsolicited advice...I just walk away He was light years beyond them in spiritual growth. And in November when he was given a chance to let me know he was Ok. Well, despite all naysayers? I knew it was him telling me that he was just fine. Even suicides are given a second chance if God wills. Why else would he say he was ok? I am the one that is carrying a ton of guilt as to what I could have done to have prevented this. But after much and I mean a ton of thought. There was nothing. It was his time to go. And I am slowly beginning to accept this fate that has befallen my family as God's will. His death has challenged me as a person to find out who I truly am. I don't like some of the answers. But at least I have time to make some necessary changes. He was my teacher. I am certain that we will be reunited again in time. I just have to work at it.

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Kate, what a beautiful testament to who Jeff is and always will be. He is a light, a beacon, and one day his light will lead you home. Lovely.

Colleen, how nice that the carwash folks asked about your bumper sticker...and that you got to speak Brian's name and Brian-Greg's Son's name. "Twinkles" as Greg said, these are those times when there are twinkles from our Angels.

I know that the five year mark is difficult, we are upon the 10th. At 5, we had t-shirts made for Eri-fest, the front said Eri-fest, the back had a road and it said, five years down the road...

This year we may make them to say: Here we are again, our hearts at year ten.

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Dee, my job is going very well. Thank you for asking. It seems as if it should be the worst job for me to have at this time as I am caring for people with major physical disabilities and since January 2 of my clients have died. The truly strange thing is that I am able to care for my clients and also help them and my staff deal with the grief when someone dies. I have always worked in the caring profession and as a nurse have seen alot. After Sarah died I didn't know if i could stay in this profession, but have found that it is where I belong. This job is totally different from the one I had for 20 years in an urgent care clinic, and as odd as it sounds is the place I need to be. I have always been able to separate my work life from my home life and I guess I do that still. I do talk about Sarah at work and people do care unlike my family and friends who want me to"be over it." I have pictures in my office and while thoughts of her are with me always, I am able to do my job. I will say I feel like I am three different people. The work me who can stay strong and capable and help others , the caregiver me who takes care of my husband, granddaughters and son in law and the me who feels lost and weak and in the deepest pain and lonely. This one is with me always but the worse times are going to work, coming home from work and after the caregiving at home for the day is done. One day at a time.

My youngest granddaughter is 4 years old and today my heart was broken for her. She has been missing her mama alot the past couple of weeks. It surprises me how much pain she has for being so little. She turned 4 in August, 5 months after Sarah died and all of her little life mama was sick, so I didn't think she would remember as much as Maddie the 6 year old does, well, that is not so. She was acting out alot today and the hard thing is that even though they are hurting I still have to discipline them when they need it, so today she was really ornery and disagreeable. So tonight as we were snuggling I asked her what I could do to help her not feel so sad. She replied" Mimi, if Mama would come back down here from heaven I wouldn't be sad anymore" What do you say to that? It is hard for my mind to grasp so how much harder for a little 4 year old.? Giving reassurances that she is loved and that she is going to be ok, along with discussing mama and sharing memories with her seem so empty to what her little heart needs, but is the only thing we can do. Nothing fair about this.

Well, think I will head for bed. Thinking of each of you.

Sandy

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Good Morning Indigos! Kate, your post about your son touched my heart. What a fine young man your Jeff was and is. On the subject of depression, I, like Colleen, suffered postpartum depression after the birth of my second child. It is something that cannot be put into words that people would understand. After I was put on medication and felt like my "old self" again is when I realized how truly "paralyzed" one feels when in the midst of it. It is not like a broken bone that you know will heal in 8 weeks and all will be well. Depression is not that simple, it is very, very complicated. Prayers.

Sandy - your heart must fall to pieces when your grandgirls miss their mama so. I remember mentioning to Andrewsmojo that my Sarah did not have children before she died. It's sad either way isn't it? That you can care for others in your pain is remarkable...shows that you are a remarkable woman. Your Sarah was as well.

To all Indigos - time to start the Easter Feast preparations: the ham, the sweet potato mash, the fresh coconut cake (cracking that coconut, ugghhh!) so I'll take my leave but wish all a good Saturday!

Love, Shelly

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Sandy, I am so glad that your job is going well and I well understand the way you feel about being good at it. I am the same way about my job, being able to be a good teacher is deeply important to me, and to have a sense of having done something well helps doesn't it? I agee with Shelly, you do a lot of nurturing in your life, it is the job you have here on Earth. You are a care-giver in all facets of your life. It cannot be easy and it must at times be fully draining, but there you are.

Okay Shelly, you crack the coconut for the cake...recipe please?

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Mermaid Tears

I am very emotional after reading Kate and Sandy's postings...thank you for sharing your heart..Thank you, Dee for being 'here' for all of us...all these years...I guess it was your grief that let you know there would be so many that needed your words...you give of yourself to help us on this path...more later...

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Susan, when we first set our feet and broken hearts on this journey, we don't know where we are going to land, it is scary. It is like a little one who falls down on the sidewalk, they don't know how long it is going to hurt and who is going to help them. When we find a place like this, we realize that we have found a base, a shelter in which to find some solace, some hearts to hold us. And as time moves through us and then we learn to move through time, we find that yes, it will always hurt, and then we reconcile a life that can be very full again, but different, a life that includes the hurt, big enough to hold the loss of our Baby. We take our story with us everywhere we go.

Eventually we find out how we want to live but it takes time.

One thing I found was I wanted to join in to help others who find this sad path- as long as I am able. It is what gives shape and form and meaning to my newly shaped heart. I cannot imagine how I would have found my steps had I not had some mentors here. I might still be laying on the sidewalk wondering how to get up, and I see this same kind of voice in your posts. You seem to reach out so seamlessly to those new here joining with them in this early phase of loss.

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I met my daughter at her favorite restaurant, it felt good to see her. We were having a nice time, then I told her my girlfriend was going to have a baby. She got really quiet.

I told her it wasn't going to take anyone's place in our family, and we didn't plan it.

We talked about other things for awhile, then she said "so you guys couldn't have gotten a dog instead?" I just grabbed some cash, put it on the table, and walked out.

I don't know why I expected her to be happy about any of this though...

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Kate-----Your post of your dear son's life was so touching. He must have

helped a lot of people while here on earth, and that says he is now in heaven,

for sure. I'm sorry that some people seem to have a negative attitude

about his death, and that it hurts you so much when these unthinking

people say things that should never be said. Jeff is always with you,

because of your love for him and his love for you and his dad, and the

whole family. May his star shine and twinkle so bright. Peace to you.

Dee----Yep---10 long years. Sometimes it seems like only yesterday

(when we feel down and 'blue'..pain is always there.), and then again it seems like forever--

(since we held them and told them our love for them, and saw their

sweet smiles). The t-shirts you have in mind will be nice. I believe

that my family/friends would all be too disinterested to take part in anything (for Dave)

like your ERIFEST. I've hear it murmured....."after all, it's been almost 10 years".

At this stage on this journey, their disinterest doesn't really bother me anymore. My

husband and I keep David's & Lisa's memory alive. A parent's love,

and memory never fades.

Sandy----So glad that your job is going along well. You are just a caring

person, and the job is a good fit for you. Sorry that your little granddaughters

are missing their mama so. Your love and understanding will help them.

Bless their little hearts. Wishing you peace & comfort.

Mikesdad----Sorry to hear that your meeting with your daughter did not

go very well, and was a disappointment. Maybe with time, she will begin

to see that you are finding some happiness amidst your sorrow, and will

gradually warm up to your girlfriend and expected little one. I really

believe babies have a magic all of their own in bringing out love, and

mending old hurts in families. I've seen it lots of times......I used to work

as a nurse in the newborn and maternity wards in hospitals, and had

seen, firsthand, the magic & love these innocent little loves can bring

about in families who may have disharmony and issues. Congratulations

on the expected new little baby.

Many things to do today----so I will go for now. Wishing Peace to all INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

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Dee - taking a break so I would love to pass the recipe onto you or anyone else who might like it:

Aunt Robin's Fresh Coconut Cake

4 egg yolks

4 egg whites

2 cups sugar

3/4 cup butter or margarine

1 tsp. vanilla

1/2 cup fresh coconut milk*

3 tsp. baking powder

2 1/4 cups flour

1/4 tsp. salt

1 cup fresh coconut

*Hammer wholes in top & bottom of coconut. Pour milk out through strainer into bowl. Bake coconut in oven at 250 for several minutes to make removal of meat easier. Run through blender to flake.

Cream 4 egg yolks, sugar, and butter. Add vanilla, coconut milk, powder, salt and flour. Beat egg whites and fold in. Add coconut. Bake at 350 for 25-30 minutes in 13x9 inch pan.

Aunt Robin's Cooked Icing (for 2 cakes...can freeze leftover)

3/4 cup shortening

3/4 cup soft butter or margarine

1 1/2 cups sugar

3 tbsp. flour

1 1/2 cups milk

2 tsp. vanilla

Combine flour and milk in a jar. Cook until thick. Cool completely. Mix sugar, butter, and shortening until creamy. Add milk and flour mixture and beat until fluffy. Add vanilla.

I take some the extra coconut in a little bowl and mix it with a very few drops of food coloring and top the cake. Enjoy!

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Hi Everyone, I just wanted to send a huge bouquet to all of you for your support and kind words about Jeff. I agree with what many have said that we can not just get over it because it makes others feel uncomfortable. Dee...for you 10 years is as fresh as if it were yesterday, right? Love and memories never die. All the beauty that our children imparted is deeply implanted in each and every one of us. Sherry I had to smile to myself as I read your post about working with babies. For some reason as I was reading it I had a flashback of Jeff standing up in his crib wearing his yellow blanket sleepers and holding onto the side rail. I walked into his room in the morning and there he was greeting me with a huge smile on his chubby cheeks. We had carefully wallpapered his room a few weeks prior. I was so proud of the finished product and it was cute as a button. What I had not anticipated was pulling his crib away from the wall. There he stood having found a seam and had ripped strips off of the wall. He was so pleased with himself. Mikes Dad...I too am sorry that last night did not go as anticipated. I agree with Sherry. With any luck in time they will begin to accept this lovely bundle of joy and last night will become a distant memory. I am thinking of everyone tomorrow as you celebrate Easter in your own tradition. Wishing you all a peaceful and pleasant day. Love, Kate

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Yes Sherry, yesterday and 100 years ago all in one, those ten years. Our Eri-fests are something I always wonder if we should do each year, don't want to face one with few people which may happen in time, but so far, they are well attended as a summer party that folks know will be in July each year. Because it is a fundraising event, it also keeps it fresh for everyone, knowing that their contributions will go to young ones at the school where Eri and Jonathan attended. (and many of them as well)

I do know that some folks do say well, it's been so and so many years for heaven's sake. But I sometimes stay quiet and sometimes say something like, " well yes, ten years, I remember clearly what Eri was like at 10 years old. Have you forgotten what your Child was like at that age, at any age? No? Then why should I forget the years we had her and ignore the years we haven't? "

I guess sometimes I can be pointed when some folks rub me the wrong way.

Kate, love the wallpaper story. So cute.

Shelly, thanks so much, I am copying that delicious sounding cake recipe, thanks so much. I will try it at some point. YUM! What do you mean to combine the ingreidients in a jar? to shake it up? Did you mean jar or did you mean pan?

Mike's Dad, I am sorry that your Daughter did not react the way you had hoped, we cannot predict these things, just as she could not predict your becoming a Dad again. In time, she will probably do as Sherry said, be won over by the little Guy and be happy for all he brings to your lives.

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May each of you wake to some kind of peaceful thought tomorrow and know that our Angels are smiling on us.

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Good Easter Morning to All! First off, Dee, yes you put the ingredients into a jar or any "capped" vessel you might have and shake it to blend. Then pour into saucepan to heat and thicken.

I had a very unusual sleep pattern last night. Went to lay down for a quick rest at 5PM, well that rest lasted about 10 hours! Now here I am at 3:30AM to start my day!

May I wish each and every one of you a BLESSED Easter Sunday. May our angels pay us a visit as we do what we do on this day, may they sit at our tables and help us find those Easter eggs! Love, Shelly

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Wishing all a peace-filled day tomorrow (actually, today, since it is already almost 2 am), and may your sweet angels gift you with a sense of their presence, even more so than that which fills your heart each day. They are spending Easter in the glory of God, gracing His kingdom with their awesomeness yet the "human" part of us wishes somehow they were still here, gracing our life with their unique selves.

Daughter Kim and granddaughters Bekah and Rachel were supposed to get here on Saturday at 11 am. We were going to do some last-minute Easter clothes shopping and maybe slow down long enough for lunch in a nice place. Ahhh, the lessons we learn...I've learned that when I schedule a flight involving getting one teen and one near-teen out the door for a flight, DON'T schedule a flight that leaves at 6:15 AM, and expect you will get there before that plane takes flight and leaves you behind! They would have gotten to the gate on time, but Kim's bag was physically searched, then searched again, and they got to the gate to hear the door to the boarding ramp click shut. Being put on "priority standby" was futile...I checked the flights for the rest of the day and nada...I spoke with the airline rep and she said that having to find THREE seats on another flight would be unlikely until Sunday afternoon. They had three seats open for 3:15 Sunday afternoon, so the plans have changed. But, they are still coming, and will be here through MOnday the 8th, so lots to look forward to. Cathi, Davis, Jameson and I will head out to an Easter brunch and we will all do Easter dinner here next Sunday instead.

Church on Holy Thursday and Good Friday was challenging, to say the least. Mike loved singing the lenten-themed songs, and "Were You There" was an especially moving favorite of his...I truly missed hearing that sweet southern voice beside me, missed reaching over to hold his hand as his emotions overcame him at the words so solemn. I did manage to get through it, but when they started "Steal Away to Jesus," I had to sit down...my strength was spent. Last year, while singing those soulful words "I ain't got long to be here..." he reached over and took my hand as we shared the same thought...were those words ringing true for him? Would the cancer that he was fighting give him less time?" Turned out, it did. As I stood there listening the other night, so many thoughts and memories filled my head and squeezed my heart. Both of my Mikes, flying free now with the angels, near me and yet so far away. I look forward to the services in the morning, hoping they will dispel this terrible ache that accompanies these celebrations that brought so much joy before.

KATE: I too agree about the "what-if's"..and yes, they can really drive you crazy if you let them linger, though it can be very difficult to send them on their way. So many of them to hang about my head like errant strands of hair that keep falling into my view...brushing them away does no good; they return in an instant. Instead, time must be spent to tuck them carefully back in so that they are part of the whole picture, and not seen so vividly. I truly loved your sharing more of your Jeff with us. He was a remarkable young man, and I am stirred deeply by your moving through acceptance that it was his time. This is the very thing that helped us all here to breathe after young Mike died. We all talked about his life, relived the adventures he experienced, shared how much we had learned from him, how much he showed us in how he treated the world...like your Jeff, no one was a stranger, and all were worthy of our time and love. No judgments...no jumping to conclusions because someone didn't "fit our mold" of what we thought they should be/look like. It is a difficult step, to begin that process of acceptance, and I share your discovery and laud your ways of walking this journey. I hope that your husband is continuing in the healing process after his surgery and that you both are able to enjoy the warmer weather, whenever it might get here...at least it hasn't snowed in almost a week, here. :-0

MIKESDAD: I am very sorry that your daughter was not accepting of your news. As others here have said, though, she may well "come around" once that beautiful new life is here and she hopefully will realize that life is just too short to not share in that joy.

ANDREWSMOJO: So very sorry for the loss of your sweet son Andrew. I am glad that you have his precious son to help fill in some of those fissures in your heart brought on by the loss of your Andrew. I do know the bittersweetness of such a gift; our son's baby was only 18 months when his daddy left this earth. The two older boys, who were 9 and 10 at the time, knew more of and remember more of their daddy. Though the joy of their presence in our lives is unlimited, we have always continued to wish their daddy could be here with them. Our son also died of a brain tumor at the age of 31. He had a glioblastoma multiform Grade IV. He had two brain surgeries, the first one the doctor botched it and only got 40% and basically told us to take him home to die; the second surgery was done at a larger hospital with more technology available, and they got 90% and he had 17 more months...months to get to know his boys more, to spend more time with his young wife of only 5 months when he was diagnosed. I can't imagine the state of shock and pain you were in when you son died so soon after going to the hospital. We hare all recognize and have spoken many of your own sentiments and feelings...shock, sorrow, not knowing what this "new normal" is, and the "other million emotions."

SHELLY: Good to see your post; sorry you had difficulties accessing the site. Your recipe for the coconut cake sounds awesome, but alas, I am one of those that if the ingredients number more than 4-5, I am on to the next page, or to the store to buy ready-made.

RHONDA: Also good to see your post, as well, and Westley's handsome face. I ask the same as the others...how is everyone? Your hubby? CJ...is he still in your life? And thank you for your thinking of Mike when you spot a "bug." When Mike's dad was here, he considered the "yellow" punch bugs a part of Mike and now and again, their appearance would have a particularly special meaning, just like the red ones do for me. Now, I must look for both colors...red for Mike and yellow for his dad. Thankfully, they do show up and while more often are just sweet reminders for me, many times the significance of the moment and connection to the event at the time grabs my heart and sometimes sets free some sorrow that is lingering there for that moment or other times enhances the joy of a moment that is warming my heart. I am thankful for each.

SANDY: So very sorry for the sadness engulfing your little 4 yo granddaughter over the missing of her mommy. It is hard to explain; don't know if there is an appropriate way, but you seem to be doing what is right...loving on her and letting her know you are there to listen. Your heart breaks as you hear her words, I know. My heart goes out to you. Your sweet Sarah knows that her babies are in good hands. I am glad that you still find joy in "serving" and continue to spread your love and caring to others. The world sorely needs this and happy to hear it is continuing to receive it from you.

COLLEEN: "Leaking eyes..." a soft way to speak of the pain that still lingers...five years down the road, you are still missing him, still wishing, still wondering "what would he be like now?" So very much a part of this journey...

GREG: Hard to imagine Brian at 33, but he would be just a little older version of the wonderful young man he was when he was here beside you on this earth... I too loved the "twinkles" you referred to...mine are little different, and yet the same...shortly before young Mike died, we were standing out in the yard, in the dark of the evening, on a night when the stars were brilliant. I looked up at the sky and said "Mike, where will you be?" We looked a little longer and I said "Put yourself into the Little Dipper, that way I will always know where to look for you." Twinkles...oh yes...in many forms.

DEL: So sorry about the loss of Chip... cancer is so insidious...my husband died of pancreatic cancer last August, 8 months after they diagnosed, and three months after they told him he had "another good year, and possibly two." I can't imagine the pain you endured watching your son suffer so. Please don't beat yourself up about not having gone to the ER sooner...we learned so much about this awful disease and one of the most crushing news was that they do not have a cure...even after all these years, they do not have a cure or anything even near a cure. Sometimes, if found VERY early, they can do what's called a "WHIPPLE procedure," but even then, circumstances have to be IDEAL and the outcome can't be guaranteed, and it will come back. They found my husband's at the very earliest stage possible...it was no bigger than the top of your thumb, and yet...

SHERRY: So glad to hear that you are "dabbling" again...it's always nice to try out a new medium, and I hope the new paints work out well. Have you been seeing any wildlife emerging for the spring? Of course, where IS spring?! I love the snow, but have had my fill. Weatherman said today that we've had over 64" total...that's enough...you can go now. Enough "pretty." Though, it truly is beautiful, isn't it. I plan to plant some daffodils and crocus this fall so I can see them come up next year. We had some at our old home and loved seeing them pushing up through the snow.

SUSAN: Thinking of you...I, like Dee, see that "helping" and "reaching out to others" in your posts. Even in your own pain and sorrow and grieving, you reach out and hold onto others, sending them comfort and understanding with your dear heart.

DEE: It seems unreal that time has passed since last summer to the point where you are actually thinking of the plans for Eri-fest this year...I do like very much the saying you are thinking of for the shirt...perhaps you could incorporate a few small hearts into the design and include "hope," "joy," "love," and such words of healing inside of these hearts to show the progress that has been made in this 10 year journey of healing. I am glad you've been able to spend a bit of time on your porch... I know how much that comforts you.

LORA: Nice to see you, also, and your pretty, smiling Cara's face. I hope you are doing well and work has slowed down somewhat. I know you work another job...do you spend many hours there?

Well, I have finally gotten myself together enough to plan how to and to actually hang the pictures, flag (in the case), and shadowbox for Mike's service time...26 years of dedication to his country. While he never saw any "action," he was in Thailand during the Vietnam conflict as support staff, and he too was disappointed when they came home and met with such derision and conflict. I am glad that the honoring of our veterans has become a movement that has met with success...they are deserving of every accolade. I will post pics of them... the shadowbox contains his medals, insignias that he used, denoting his ranks through the years, etc., and his dog tags. Kimberly put this together for his memorial service. We had one when he retired, but it had not survived the move from Italy, where he got it, back to the states, and so we did it again. Underneath that is the Presidential recognition letter that we received that is signed by the president in office at the time of the death of the service member, in this case of course, President Obama. The grandkids really liked this and thought it was pretty special.

I hope that everyone has a good day today...Easter, the day that offers us the most promise we could ever ask for, that we will one day again be reunited with our precious children and loved ones that have moved through this world to the other side of the veil and await us.

Our Lucy Lu is doing just fine, and has her "mistress" pretty much wrapped around her little paw. Obedience school starts soon and we will be there! She is a good little puppy, but does need to learn who is the boss around here... <_<:)She has a new pink collar for her Easter finery.

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Wishing everyone a lovely Easter Day! I will be thinking of all of you. My hope is that you will find bits of happiness and joy amongst the memories that you are surrounded by of your precious child. Love, Kate :)

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BrendaDup59

I just wanted to wish all my friends a Happy Easter .. Love you all Brenda

post-298492-0-18506200-1364735782_thumb.

post-298492-0-47143200-1364735825_thumb.

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JD's Mom, Becky

Thank you God, for the sacrifice of your only son, Jesus, that we may have the promise of heaven, where we will be reunited again.

Original Post March 19th, 2012

Re-posted on Easter, 2013.

481142_2973578915922_169989357_n.jpg

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Lovely Becky, just lovely. Thank you.

Happy Easter to You All. I am off for a walk, went to brunch early at a sis-in-law's home and and now home to walk under windy partly sunny skies, before the cold front moves in.

PEACE

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tobyfreefoot

haven't been here for awhile so i don't know what is going on with anyone but wanted to stop by with this representation of our children sending easter blessings.

post-298275-0-25508300-1364770563_thumb.

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Gretchen--mighty fine seeing you here today, that handsome Son smiling out. I figured you were needing some time to just be quiet in the last few weeks, but always thinking of you. Let us know how you are doing. We do have some Newbies here, sadly. You will get to know them I am sure.

Lora, we did have pretty weather, you will likely get it tomorrow or so. It is a quiet evening, I go back to the constant sound of children tomorrow as spring break ends. I have enjoyed the quiet, helps me be ready for the opposite.

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I hope you all had a good Easter day...cathi and I and her boys and Mike's middle boy, Kameron, went to church, then to dinner at Olive Garden. Kim will do Easter dinner next Sunday with all of us here.

I was unable to post the pictures last night that I had wanted to...couldn't do it tonight either...hopefully, Modkonnie will check on this for us.....

Dee, good wishes for your return to the classroom...before you know it, June will be over and you will be home for the summer...your joyous time of rest.

Becky, Gretchen...good to see you...and your boys' smiling face...

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JD's Mom, Becky

18 months today, Jared. Truth and Justice in the hands of God. ♥ U Infinity!

543111_2976097178877_1655562766_n.jpg

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Andrewsmojo

Thank you all for the words of encouragement.

Erica's mom My grandbaby (Drew) does live close and we get to see him at least every week. He is 3 and the light of my life. He has so many

qualities and manerisms like his daddy. He looks just like his daddy. When I spend time with him it is bitter sweet. Sometime the tears are both

happy and sad at the same time. I live near the PA. line south of Youngstown.

Mike's mom My Andrew also had a glioblastoma, he was 25. When they did the ct scan it was the size of an orange and it was bleeding. They kept us in the

dark and didn't tell us that he was actively dying. His wife, my other daughter in law, and myself all nurses. His wife in denial and hopeful for a surgery

and fighting the cancer. I on the other hand knew that I was about to lose my precious Andrew. I didn't know how quickly though. Several months prior

I had a precognition of all the events that were taking place. At that point I went into shock and complete auto pilot.

My Andrew's earthly birthday is April 6... I thank God for the time I had with him. As a baby I knew there was something very special about him. I know I will see

him again, but for now my heart aches for him.

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Just when you think you've seen or heard it all.

I put a cross up where Brian died. It's way out in the country. I try to decorate it according to the season and then on birthdays and angel dates I'll put a balloon there. I was putting some artificial liliy's there yesterday when a old lady walks up to me and identifies herself as the landowner.She says to me I'd like to ask you if you could change out your decorations in a timely manner. Mind you it's 25 miles one way.She then said when the balloon deflates they create trash. They are always tethered to the cross so there is no way they get out there to create trash.GOD I can't believe people and how unfeeling they can be!!!! Oh well just another beautiful day in the life of a Bereaved Parent.

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well, still couldn't post the pictures...anyone else having this problem still? I noticed, Becky, that you were able to post that really beautiful picture...just awesome! thanks for sharing.

Have my daughter and granddaughters here with me and am enjoying them to pieces!

GREG: So sorry for the insensitivity shown...may she never understand...

ANN...Andrew's mom...the bittersweet...hard, yet a gift somehow. so very sorry. Mike's tumor was quite large, also...they said a grapefruit, but it wasn't bleeding. It had started to impact movement on his right side. After the first surgery, he couldn't use his right side, but thankfully we had him transferred to a better hospital and they got more of it and he had no problems with movement after that, then some minor ones, until the last two weeks, he couldn't stand up or be out of bed any longer. I, too, had a premonition...the day before he was born, and again when he was five. It is a lengthy story (like all of mine seem, lol) but suffice to say, I knew I would outlive him. And yes, he was very special. He seemed to "know," also...lived life full steam ahead... Mike's b'day is Aug 20. Mike died in Oct, (2006) the month of his dad's b'day, and his dad died in August (last year), the month of his son's b'day...they are now together. I am jealous.

I had something very special happen right after church yesterday, will share later...right now I 've got to run.

Hope you all have a decent day and feel your baby around you.

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Mermaid Tears

Just when you think you've seen or heard it all.

I put a cross up where Brian died. It's way out in the country. I try to decorate it according to the season and then on birthdays and angel dates I'll put a balloon there. I was putting some artificial liliy's there yesterday when a old lady walks up to me and identifies herself as the landowner.She says to me I'd like to ask you if you could change out your decorations in a timely manner. Mind you it's 25 miles one way.She then said when the balloon deflates they create trash. They are always tethered to the cross so there is no way they get out there to create trash.GOD I can't believe people and how unfeeling they can be!!!! Oh well just another beautiful day in the life of a Bereaved Parent.

You didn't tell us what you said....but I was raised in the Southern way of manners....but...also raised with the silver spoon of sarcasm said with the prettiest little smile on my face....so sorry that happened....but you just go and put out whatever...whenever...however....with the prettiest little smile on your face....just brush ill mannered people off like you do the dirt on your shoes....all is well.

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BrendaDup59

Hi, my husband and I went to get my sons monument started I have not been able to face it but I have felt so guilty that he did not have one ,I think it is going to be beautiful , but I do have to tell you it is pretty bad when you don't get your sons middle name right , Brian's middle name is Edmund and Brett's middle name is Edward well I was sitting here thinking to myself I think I got there names mixed up sure enough I did, talk about embarrassing!

This has been a rough couple of weeks with my health and emotions , my son Kaleb is on medications he was diagnosed with mild autism,adhd, ocd and lately he has started having turrets type jerking everyday it seems to get worse we have an appointment today.. I had a bad melt down last night a combination worrying about Kaleb, the way my son Brett is treating me and my family, I didn't get to see the kids yesterday or even hear from them, and now my DIL Traci oh where do I start.. to much to go into right now I have to leave for Kalebs doctor soon... what is so hard to except is how much losing someone special can effect so many lives instead of bringing family closer it seems it just drives them away. well I have to go .I will let you know what the doctor says ..

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