Loss of an Adult Child

[tobyfreefoot]

valentine's flowers on a background of birthday confetti. the lite up balloons we placed a MONTH ago are deflated but the lights are still lit!!

[tobyfreefoot]

lee's mum--oh i bet getting through the new year must be soo hard. i am sorry. i hate winter, i can't stand cold and it is so dreary. i think i have seasonal affective disorder. it has depressed me all my life. the good news- we took friends to visit sacred heart, an old mission site that has an amazing tranquility about it and i saw the first robin, harbinger of spring today!

[ericasmom]

Wow, Gretchen, you are a machinist? Very cool, though I do see the danger, my first husband was a machinist as was his dad. Two weeks to grieve hu? That is just wrong. The reason I had 6 weeks was because Eri died in the summer and I was on summer break from school. Our leave for family emergencies is 3 days. WHAT?

Betsy, lovely photos and yes, you have indeed had to say good-bye more than anyone should have to. Thanks for sharing these.

Sherry, I love calendars too, but if Brenda makes one, we will all have a bird calendar in our homes. I cut old calendars up to use for school. So many gorgeous scenes that can be used to inspire.

Sunny but cold here today. The sun however is such a welcome sight. Many birds at the feeder, house finch, cardinals, sparrows of all sorts, but robins have learned to adjust to our winters and so are present through winter. Not in the numbers as in spring but some remain here.

Lee's Mom, January is a hard month for many, I am glad that you are reading and getting some goodness from this. Keep coming here, we hold your hand and heart.

[Jeff's Mom]

Just quickly stopping by to say I am thinking of all of you. I have been reading mostly the past weekend. Enjoyed our lovely weather this weekend and took advantage by going for a few very nice walks. I am busy preparing things for my hubby's upcoming surgery next week. Lots to get done. Take care everyone. Kate

[mysonrich]

Thank you everyone. The Whys never seem to end but we carry on.

Gretchen, lots of exhaust fans . I can't figure out what type of machines you work with but I'm guessing you work with fine metal? Or the type of material that Forests memorial is made from. Or did that require a special laser? When I was young and strong I ran an extruder. It took two of us actually and funny when I think back, all women in the shop.

Kate, you and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers.

Sherry, your chair under the tree looks so inviting. Just a month or two more and you can start making the iced tea.

Dee,my mother told me once that we can ask "why" all our lives but we won't have answers until we die and join our loved ones and then, we won't care about the "why". Of course her words were lost in my grief after Rich died. Christals death didn;t really hit me for 6 months. I am fortunate that I can call her husband friend.

Brenda, I saw another bluebird but he was to fast for me.

Today after reading a city-data thread I decided to get up and out. I drove 1.5 hours, almost to North Carolina. I stopped in a little town that once survived on the furniture manufacturers. the town is charming still. I picked up dinner at a Southern BBQ restaurant. I read the review before I left and don't usually treat myself nor drive over an hour to get there. It was delicious. I also stopped into an antique market. It was really cold in the building as it was cold and windy outside. I looked at all the booths. it was me and the clerk. I was about to go when I walked down one last aisle and I saw it! The server I was looking for. Maple too. I asked the clerk about the price,it was priced $100.00 more then what I had in mind. . Always have to haggle a little. He made a call and came back and said $125.00. I thought to myself, the owner, though not present,is a mind reader. So off I went with the server. I was looking for a sofa table or entryway table and this will work great.

A very busy week ahead . I knew I just had to get out. wind and all.

Y'all are never far from my daily thoughts as we walk this road together. I thank you for being here as I know this is the last place we ever wanted to be.

[mysonrich]

Happy Heavenly Birthday Stephen !

You mother has shared many precious memories of her little boy with us. She has been a light in the darkness for many here and I know her kind heart is also a reflection of the man you became. Betty, knowing of Stephens love of animals, especially his squirrel, I hope that you saw one today and smiled at this sweet memory.

[daveydow1]

Lora----Yikes....I know the error you mean....I've had it only a couple

of times....don't know know how to get the post back. , and it

is so annoying. Sorry that your ex is making it difficult for you in

regards to choosing a headstone for dear Cara. Hard enough as

it is without someone being difficult. I hope that things smooth out

for you. It's a painful thing to do, I know. Thoughts & prayers.

Brenda---I never would have guessed that you photograph the birds

through the panes of glass. ( I know very little about the ins & outs

of photography, though). The pics are clear as can be, and I do enjoy

seeing them. Thanks.

Gretchen----I'm sorry for the injuries you suffered to your hand & fingers.

It does sound like the job can be dangerous. I agree......many many places

of employment only give very brief amounts of time for bereavement. So

many Indigos throughout the years on BI have stated that they were given

only short time off for bereavement. My employer was putting pressure on me

to come back to work. I think it was about 3 wks. when I returned. I believe that

many employers just don't want to bother with the task of trying to find a

replacement for the person who needs time to grieve. It's too bad, really.

As you know,....it is so hard to do one's work when heartache is comsuming

all their thoughts & feelings.

Thanks for the lovely pic.

Dee-----3 DAYS ??? Goodness...that's insane, isn't it?? I could not even

function at anything in only 3 days. Our Davey's wake was not even until

the 4th day after his death, as his body had to be sent to Columbus, OH

for the required autopsy...(because of conflicts in the local coroners's offices).

The funeral was on the 5th day after his passing.

How could one be expected to be at work in that short length of time???

Just crazy. I guess one is lucky if they have an employer that gives a

reasonable length of time for bereavement. I was using accumulated sick

time, but was being pressured just the same to get back to work. For me...

it was too soon (3 wks.). I lasted another few months, and then just left

the job go. Yes.....calendars can be used in a lot of creative ways.....especially

for school children. They come in every subject under the sun, it seems.

Kate-----Sending prayers for your husband's upcoming surgery. Bless him.

PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

Betsy---I think we posted at the same time. So nice that you had your outing.....

even though the weather was so cold. Also, it's great that you found the maple server at a price

you could live with. Yep----a couple more months.....I keep dreaming

of spring.

[mysonrich]

Gretchen, I didn't see your post. I remember the pins and dies we used/attached to the end of the extruder. The extruder was about 10 feet long. We made an abrasive product from a very heavy mix of clay and whatever. The product was sent through the die and sliced to the correct size and shape to be used in tumblers that would take the rough edges off of medal. there were a couple of lost finger tips when the cutting blades broke off and came flying out. You have a hard job and I'm also sorry you were hurt.

Lora, Rich’s dad and I haven't talked much since he died. When we did after the memorial service and a couple of months later, it was bad. The ex wanted to settle Rich's estate. I wasn't ready to. I didn't want to. My ex called the courts and the courts advised me that they would cite me if I didn't act soon. As if I needed help in the nightmare. Around this time I had a dream of Rich and he basically said, “ Mom, this stuff doesn't matter”. I understood what he was telling me and shortly thereafter drove over 2 hours and signed off with a great many tears. I lived in the state that Rich died in, his father did not so it was up to me at that point. I might forgive his father someday but I will never forget. I hear that the ex is not doing well emotionally and physically and the person I feel for, my daughter.

I realize how difficult this time is for you and hope he is agreeable to the manner in which you both honor Cara.

[tobyfreefoot]

i was originally only given three days, funeral on sat i was expected back at work sunday night.

i had to get a storage building built and move my son's stuff, clear the rent house, move my middle son in with sister and get two non running cars moved 60 miles. i live 60 miles from my kids and 35 from my job. no way could i work all night drive to norman, deal with everything get back home then back to work. they are crazy.

btw our new fingerprint time clock just got my co worker deported. he had a 4 day old baby and two other little girls and a wife. i am not happy.

[Mermaid Tears]

I do believe....that we are all 'seekers'....we have come together to 'seek'....I am going to lose a lot of what I have....but will find a lot in what I seek....

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Betty, I am sorry that I missed posting yesterday, but

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY, STEPHEN!!

Thank you for still being here, Betty, and I hope you had a sign from your precious son!!

Seventeen months, since losing my son, woke up during the night and had a very hard time going back to sleep.

Gretchen, you poor dear! I am so sorry you were hurt on your job. Please do be careful. I commend you for even going back to it, after that!

Kate, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Brenda, beautiful beautiful pictures of the birds! Amazing!

Employers give us 8 weeks maternity leave, so don't they think 8 weeks or more should be warranted when we are met with saying goodbye to a child? So much wrong in our world.

I work from home, doing computers, but my husband went back to his job as a teacher/counselor at our local elementary school after 4 weeks. Even then it was really hard for him, as Jared had gone to school there. At the end of last year, they transferred my husband to another elementary school, so it was, in a way, like a fresh start, but the people there have been less than understanding. One of the administrators told him that he understood... that he had lost a brother a few years back... after a long battle with illness. Hello, excuse me, not your child, not suddenly without warning, not preventable, etc., etc., so please don't use that example to try to tell someone how they should get over it already.

Jared's funeral wasn't until 13 days after his death, because of having to undergo an autopsy as it was a traffic "accident", which I refuse to say, I say "crash" because it was entirely preventable. The funeral home worked very hard to present him as the beautiful child that he was, before the crash, which left him with a lot of bruising on his face and tore the tip of his nose. He looked like a china doll, like he was just sleeping...

[ericasmom]

May you dance in Heaven STEPHEN, and spin with our Angels as you celebrate the day that you graced this Earth, graced your sweet Mom with your presence. The gift of You to your Family and Friends.

Happy Heavenly Birthday Beautiful Boy

Betty, to this day we raise our hearts and our prayers and our thanks. God bless you as you find your way through this day.

[Mermaid Tears]

The date our children were born....and all the memories of Happy Birthday parties...cakes and candles...presents...excitement...balloons....is a very hard date to face...for all the laughter and giggles are on that 'date'.....the 'Angel date' is etched with tears...shock...dark...sad memories....I still would not change a thing...I was there when they placed him in my arms...I am here to hold him in my heart...for all of you 'out there'....blessings...I do believe we are really very brave to seek...and reach out.

[Guest]

.

[ericasmom]

Dee Just a quick little story,

After 6 days in the hospital as Erica hung between life and death I kept calling her Erica Blue Sky. It was the bluest skies each of those days, I kept telling her it was an Erica Blue Sky day, a good day to fly, knowing of course that she was going to die. So on the 6th day we had her removed from all the measures and beeps and machines that assisted her. It was her dying day. I told my girl, Erica it is a good day to fly, nobody blames you for leaving, it is what you have to do now. She died after an hour and 10 minutes off the respirator. Blue Sky. Several hours later while standing in the parking lot of a motel in the town Eri died, my husband and I watched the sun setting, it was the most intense color ever, bright flamingo, bright pink, various blues and violets. The color was traveling through a cloud that even my non-believer husband acknowledged. IT was a shape of a girl with braids or dread locks flying about her head, her arms were outstretched, one joining hands with another cloud shaped like a man with a beard. He was huge, twice my daughter the cloud. Her feet were huge, as they were in real life. The colors traveled from head to her toes and then the sun went down. We stood there in amazement, in total grief, in tears and sobs, my cell phone rang and it was my two sisters and three nieces, crying from the car, already one state away on the way home after Eri died. They said they were watching a cloud that looked just like Eri and the colors that went through her and that she was reaching for a man.

Well, this was one affirmation that Eri was making her way to heaven, that she had help and that she was filled with light.

Once the sun had completely set, we walked up to our cramped room, turned on the TV. Had not watched television for 6 days, first thing on was an announcement on the news that the next hurricane out of the Pacific would be named Erica.

That was another sign, one that made me laugh and cry, she loved big storms, she loved when it got wild.

Then, after a few months I was reading a book of poetry, and in one poem it said Blue Sky. It stated that Blue Sky was another way of saying Heaven in both Chinese and Lakota Indian. So all those days that I called my girl Erica Blue Sky...I was calling her Erica Heaven.

I do believe our children are in a place of beauty, of joy. I do believe we shall be with them again and that we do not get to know why this occurred until we next meet them. Spending your energy on why will just leave you flat. Now the question is how. How do I make the most of life with this hole in my heart? How do I tell people to use my child's name even though he or she is gone? How do I let people know that I need to speak about my child even if it makes them uncomfortable? How do I best honor the life of my child?

Now we go on about how to live our best lives, our best we can now. It is a process, it is daily, hourly for that matter, but it is something we join each other in, and that is good.

[Mermaid Tears]

Thank you for sharing that...is there anyway I can 'save' that....?? Such an incredible heart you have Dee....I get a kind of healing everytime you reach out to us....and give me such a zing in my spirit....and my spirit has been running on empty for the last couple of days for some reason...

[ericasmom]

Hi Susan, you may keep that, glad it caused you hope. Can you copy it and then paste it in a document?

[Mermaid Tears]

Hi Susan, you may keep that, glad it caused you hope. Can you copy it and then paste it in a document?

Yes....I could copy and then paste it to Documents....thank you....it is good to be led by hope...good to have someone to give you a hand up....good to hear that what I KNOW....to go on...is what I will do...and want to do....even with that 'hole in my heart'....for we do have our 'other children'....I think I have been carrying forward in a good soldier way....then...I falter...trip....sway...tip over....and then have to pick it up again....thank you, Dee, for being a healing guide for all of us here on this forum...to know it is normal to become the 'that was then...this is now'....

[hotrod]

My Dear Precious Indigos

Thank you so very much for remembering Stephen's Birthday with such love and grace. My Indigo Family has sustained me during my darkest days and I am forever grateful for your support and love. Always in my thoughts and prayer.

PS

I am grateful for all my Indigo Family and your generous hearts and a special "Thank you" Dee, Carol and Sherry for your dedication to eachs grieving parent as we arrived for readhing out with such love and support .

[tobyfreefoot]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY STEPHEN!! hover closely over your mom so she can feel the warmth of your love.

betty--just getting on, sorry for being a little late but my guess is you don't mind celebrating the birth of your wonderful baby just a little longer. congratulations and thank you for bringing a beautiful boy into being.

[ericasmom]

Hi Lovely Ones,

just in from a before-school-walk. The snow is coming, the birds said so and so do the squirrels, scrambling for food before it is covered. The sky is a constant shade of light gray. We are supposed to get 6-8 inches today though it was supposed to have started by now, instead, some flakes have fallen but not sticking as of yet.

Here is a new line in which to write if you would like to have a prompt. Prompts for writing often help us clear out some of the clutter that doesn't allow our sense of things. So why would we want to have a clearer sense of things in grief you might be asking? Because moments of clarity are like diamonds, they offer a faceted view of our lives often including the precious times, the best times. Sometimes, especially early on in our grief, we get so muddled, hard to see through any one feeling...here is the prompt that I came up with while walking:

If my heart had a photo album, one page would definitely show...

[Mermaid Tears]

My Dear Precious Indigos

Thank you so very much for remembering Stephen's Birthday with such love and grace. My Indigo Family has sustained me during my darkest days and I am forever grateful for your support and love. Always in my thoughts and prayer.

PS

I am grateful for all my Indigo Family and your generous hearts and a special "Thank you" Dee, Carol and Sherry for your dedication to eachs grieving parent as we arrived for readhing out with such love and support .

Oh Betty...I will be facing the same 'pass' as you...John David's birthday is March 10th....I do want to stand with you in your memories.....and let you know we are all here for you and each other....that 'date' will come with so many happy memories of parties...presents...friends...cake and family....so many blessings for me to be grateful for...sending blessings to you...

[Mermaid Tears]

Hi Lovely Ones,

just in from a before-school-walk. The snow is coming, the birds said so and so do the squirrels, scrambling for food before it is covered. The sky is a constant shade of light gray. We are supposed to get 6-8 inches today though it was supposed to have started by now, instead, some flakes have fallen but not sticking as of yet.

Here is a new line in which to write if you would like to have a prompt. Prompts for writing often help us clear out some of the clutter that doesn't allow our sense of things. So why would we want to have a clearer sense of things in grief you might be asking? Because moments of clarity are like diamonds, they offer a faceted view of our lives often including the precious times, the best times. Sometimes, especially early on in our grief, we get so muddled, hard to see through any one feeling...here is the prompt that I came up with while walking:

If my heart had a photo album, one page would definitely show...

How sweet and unique....for you to come up with a 'plan' to help us wipe the grey cobwebs of grief away to give a light into something we can remember with happiness...

[Guest]

.

[shorty16]

Lora, Cara's Mom - You sure do deserve a day off. 7 days a week is very hard. Have a great time. I hope your weather is better than ours (Wisconsin). 3-6 inches of snow today. Again - have a relaxing day off.

Dee - "Before School Walk?" WOW. Good for you!! It should be snowing by you today!!! We are getting 3-6 inches. The snow is suppose to be heavier in the South. For us, Illinois is "The South" How funny.

Betty - Thinking of you on Stephen's birthday. Prays, hugs and a heavy sigh>>> Saying his name out loud.

As for us, this weekend was hard, but I held it together. We went to watch indoor soccer at a complex near our home. My neice's team came down from Appleton.

All I could think about was Brian playing or reffing on those fields. My inside was screaming and crying, but on the outside, I was happy for my niece.

I think of all of you often.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Jeff's Mom]

Betty, I know this week will be bittersweet and filled with tears and precious memories. I also see that others are facing the first special date. It can be so very difficult to hold it together. I do pray that you will all be surrounded by the love and support of family, friends, and your precious angels. I am doing my best to keep it together as this surgery approaches next Tuesday. Basically I am just trying to keep him occupied and his mind off of the actual day. I know he is filled with dread about it and I can see the fear that he is trying so hard to push aside. It sure does not help when others have horror stories to tell us. I guess that is human nature. Still we have withdrawn like hermits at this point in a form of self preservation. We were fortunate to have missed the huge clipper that hit the southern part of our province. We woke up this morning to approximately three inches of fresh powder. I honestly had thought we were done with this stuff. The warmth in the sun will melt it quickly. Thinking of everyone and sending loving thoughts. Kate

[shellyku]

STEPHEN - I PRAY YOU PRANCED AROUND YOUR MAMA ON THE DATE GOD BROUGHT YOU TO HER! CONTINUE TO PRANCE YOUR JOY AND LIGHT INTO HER ORB AND LET HER KNOW YOU'RE AS HAPPY TO BE HER SON AS SHE IS TO HAVE YOU AS SUCH FOREVER AND EVER!!! Betty - I'm sorry if I missed Stephen's birthday but I pray you felt his sparkle! Prayers!

Indigos - I've been having a problem posting lately as I've changed my email address and I'm having trouble logging on. Must change a few things and haven't had the time here of late. Just know that I read and pray for all each and every day. With love...Shelly

[daveydow1]

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY.......STEPHEN.

Betty----thinking of you, and hoping that your precious memories

of your dear son, Stephen will warm your heart and soul. Peace to you, friend.

Becky----I so agree with you in calling it a crash rather than an accident, since

it was preventable. I always call it a crash that killed my David.....not an

accident, since it, too, was preventable. Impaired driving is preventable.....

those that cause these senseless deaths, drivers,... lawyers,... etc. can whine and make

excuses all they want,....but the results are just the same. We're left to mourn

the rest of our lives. Wishing you peace & comfort.

Dee-----Thanks for your story. I do remember it from before, but had forgotten

the part of your calling her ERI Blue Sky......ERi Heaven. So lovely that the

sky turned a beautiful pink. We're to get about 4 or 5 inches of snow

after midnight tonight......Those south of us will get more. OHhhh March.....

"in like a Lion".

WISHING ALL INDIGOS A PEACEFUL AND RESTFUL NIGHT.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

In like a lion indeed Sherry. Oh my it snowed and snowed, looks to be slowed now. Pretty, the night is bright with snow.

Shelly, good to see you tonight, yes, sometimes our info changes and messes up our login. Glad to know you are out there and hanging in.

My friend from school stayed over tonight as the drive home would have been pretty hard, so she is over, it was fun having her to hang with at home. We took a walk before dinner and then we both worked on stuff for school and watched a bit of tv over a glass of wine. Bedtime now.

Col, yes, I walk nearly everyday before work. I get up at 5:30, out the door after a cup of coffee and walk for 40 minutes. When the kids were little, I would leave without coffee, just go and then get them up after I made coffee. I also take a lunch walk 3 or 4 days a week, less fast as I am dressed for school, and often an after dinner walk. Until very recently, my walks were power walks, a very fast pace but last summer, my chiropractor suggested no more power, just fast without the power due to my low back issues. He felt that the power part, which is landing on heal and pushing off from heal, was too much for my hip joints, they were wearing out some. Okay, so age changes the old body for sure. I can still do a 12 minute mile on dry streets.

Lora, glad that you had a day off, you do indeed deserve that. Be careful in tomorrows snow. It is heavy and very beautiful. My sis-in-law who lives in Plymouth, Mass. said that the snow coming her way is predicted to knock out some lines. Put a blanket or sleeping bag in your cars and a water bottle or two and a granola bar and an apple, enough to get you through the day if you were stuck.

Going to bed, sleep well All, know that you are being thought of, prayed for, and that our Angels are rooting for us each.

[Mermaid Tears]

Gretchen, I don't know how you worked on that machinery, I went back in three weeks but I was on a computer and I could not focus at all I was there and that was it for the first couple of weeks back. When I am having a bad day or week(s) I still find myself having trouble focusing.

Dee, we are suppose to get 12 to 24 inches, but it is suppose to start tomorrow night.

Betsy, I will honor Cara and get this done for her and I will not have to deal with my ex again. Signing off on anything that deals with our child just makes it more a reality. This journey is so painful at times, and even more when people don't realize the pain we go through, they will never know unless they go through it. I would not wish this on anyone.

Kate, Praying for your husbands surgery to be a success.

I took the day off today, have maybe taken two days off since I went back to work after Cara died. I work 7 days a week, except for holidays, I think I deserve a day off. I moved up on my exercise video and it has been kicking my butt but It helps along with walking, it clears my mind. I think about all of you and wish you peace and comfort. Even though I still have bad days , I know that I am moving forward in this journey, little by little.

Lora....thinking of you....and taking a day off is a 'self care' point of importance...the physical side of grief is something we cannot ignore...you are still 'that Mama' that will take care of her child...and all that has to do with that child...I have no doubt you will find just the 'right way' to do it all.....but....the toll on your heart and spirit is heavy.....so...remember to 'self care yourself' in all this.......issues with an 'ex'......John David's Dad and I divorced in '75......I thought all the water under the bridge was running smooth.....but the funeral and Memorial....and aftermath.....well....I found out he still has 'issues with me'......it really took me by surprise....but it is his bitterness to carry...and none of mine. I agree....we are moving forward....tiny steps....and I think we are very brave.

[Mermaid Tears]

In like a lion indeed Sherry. Oh my it snowed and snowed, looks to be slowed now. Pretty, the night is bright with snow.

Shelly, good to see you tonight, yes, sometimes our info changes and messes up our login. Glad to know you are out there and hanging in.

My friend from school stayed over tonight as the drive home would have been pretty hard, so she is over, it was fun having her to hang with at home. We took a walk before dinner and then we both worked on stuff for school and watched a bit of tv over a glass of wine. Bedtime now.

Col, yes, I walk nearly everyday before work. I get up at 5:30, out the door after a cup of coffee and walk for 40 minutes. When the kids were little, I would leave without coffee, just go and then get them up after I made coffee. I also take a lunch walk 3 or 4 days a week, less fast as I am dressed for school, and often an after dinner walk. Until very recently, my walks were power walks, a very fast pace but last summer, my chiropractor suggested no more power, just fast without the power due to my low back issues. He felt that the power part, which is landing on heal and pushing off from heal, was too much for my hip joints, they were wearing out some. Okay, so age changes the old body for sure. I can still do a 12 minute mile on dry streets.

Lora, glad that you had a day off, you do indeed deserve that. Be careful in tomorrows snow. It is heavy and very beautiful. My sis-in-law who lives in Plymouth, Mass. said that the snow coming her way is predicted to knock out some lines. Put a blanket or sleeping bag in your cars and a water bottle or two and a granola bar and an apple, enough to get you through the day if you were stuck.

Going to bed, sleep well All, know that you are being thought of, prayed for, and that our Angels are rooting for us each.

Hope all in the snow are keeping warm and safe.....here in my part of Texas is very mild...Monday it was 80....today will be around 68......

Dee...I pasted your story then I copied the last part...and have it now in front of my computer on my desk....for that is just what I need to read every day before his 'birth date' hits.....it really says it all for me....a starting point..so to speak

[Mermaid Tears]

Betty, I know this week will be bittersweet and filled with tears and precious memories. I also see that others are facing the first special date. It can be so very difficult to hold it together. I do pray that you will all be surrounded by the love and support of family, friends, and your precious angels. I am doing my best to keep it together as this surgery approaches next Tuesday. Basically I am just trying to keep him occupied and his mind off of the actual day. I know he is filled with dread about it and I can see the fear that he is trying so hard to push aside. It sure does not help when others have horror stories to tell us. I guess that is human nature. Still we have withdrawn like hermits at this point in a form of self preservation. We were fortunate to have missed the huge clipper that hit the southern part of our province. We woke up this morning to approximately three inches of fresh powder. I honestly had thought we were done with this stuff. The warmth in the sun will melt it quickly. Thinking of everyone and sending loving thoughts. Kate

Just want you to know I am thinking about you, Kate....and your husband.....saying prayers...thinking thoughts ...sending blessings....here I am in Texas....so far away....and yet....we are connected in a spirit of caring...I know you and your husband are facing surgery...and all that goes with it....please keep us informed.... His Arms of Mercy, Grace, Love and Healing are around both of you.....

[KERRY]

help. i have lost 2 of my sons.

[tobyfreefoot]

dee what a remarkable and beautiful story.

i'm feeling really blue today for some reason.

i have a friend that i met at camp when we were 12. i hadn't seen her since we were 18. a few years ago i found her on facebook and ironically our mothers live next to each other in a retirement village. anyway she lives in vermont but comes to see her mom once or twice a year. our lives have followed so close a track it is amazing since we didn't speak for 35 years or so. she lost her 15 year old daughter 7 years ago. i told my youngest son our lives were exactly the same except i didn't have a dead child. well you know the rest of that story. it is eerie, i call her my science fiction twin. anyway she was just down and we had a picnic at the cemetery with two of my kids and grandaughter so she could see the headstone.

[O F]

Good evening, everybody. I am new to this forum and as everyboy else would like to meet you all not because of the fact in life we all share...

I lost my 18 year old wonderful boy on Jan 28, 2013 when he never returned from college and was found dead in the car, probably because of malignanat arrhythmia, but nobody knows for sure. He was very loving, very homey and very good boy. So when he did not return and was not answering his phone I knew immediately that it is very grave...

He was my only child and I do not know how will I go through this because now I just want to join him and nothing else - life does not have ANY flavor or appeal to me.

The only thing which is keeping me going ( one still has to work) is Faith and prayers.

[shellyku]

Dear OF - I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your boy. 18 years young...what a tragedy! I haven't been on this website as long as some here have, but in the 2 years I've been coming here there have been so many "newbies". I'm sorry you are one of them. It is not a place anyone wants to be, but it is a place you will find compassion, kindness, and a knowing of what you're going through. My 29 year old daughter died from leukemia in August of 2010. I pray for your peace. It is a rough road to walk but the people will listen as you scream, and they will walk with you as you go.

Kate - prayers for you and your husband as you approach this next surgery. You both are in my thoughts.

Gretchen - how nice to have a friend from your early days to connect with again. Makes us realize that we have many layers to our lives that enrich us.

Dee - That you walk so regularly is commendable. I should be so structured! Years ago, I walked often with a neighbor and never felt better. Something I'd like to get back to...hopefully this spring will find me more open to it!

Lora - hope you had a good day off! I find that kind of time to be like finding gold!

Mermaid Tears - hope you're doing well.

Colleen and all other Indigos: Peace to you friends. I pray we all dream sweet dreams of our angels tonight! Shelly

[summergirl]

Betty - I was here yesterday and wished Stephen a very happy birthday but I lost my post and could not get back on. I pray the day was soft for you and your memories made you smile just a bit...Hugs

New Here - I am so very sorry for the loss of your son. I welcome you here with open arms and heart but I so wish you did not have to be here. The loss of a child is a nightmare and can paralyze you. I am Kathy and I lost my daughter Jessica at the age of 26 - it was 7 years on February 18....she died from ARVD - Arrythmic Right Ventricular Dysplsia...or also known as a sudden heart attack. Jessica was out to dinner with friends and we got the knock on the door...my life changed forever that night. I found this site about a year after we lost her and it saved my life....I wanted to just be with my daughter, I had no passion to live, I had lost my precious girl....those here were there for me every minute, no matter what time I came here there was always someone to support me. I pray that you will come back again and share as much as you can with those here, tell us of your son...know that you do not walk this journey alone....Hugs to you

I had an angry day yesterday...got that "she is in a better place" !! I looked her in the eye and said "well maybe that is true but please tell what was wrong with her being right here with me" ?? I got no reply and I walked away.. I just could not help it, am I supposed to say "oh, you are right, Jessica was so miserable here" !! Most times I can ignore it but sometimes enough is enough....

Well we are in for another storm for tonight through Friday...but a nice weekend so I won't complain. Just HATE cold weather.....

Tavian is doing well - still have a hard time believing he is 11 years old.....time, sweet time, goes by too fast. He is my sunshine. Have to go, Hubby is yelling for me to do a job estimate for him....

Love to all here, Hugs, Strength and Peace....Kathy, Jessica's mom always....

My granson Joshia Jesse Lee Bennett - just turned one in Jan....so adorable...

[ericasmom]

Kathy, so much more than adorable, that child is gorgeous. What a love.

Dear O F. I am so very sorry for the broken heart that you now have, we all understand the broken pieces, we all get how hard it is to fit some of the pieces back together but we all accept that we do this on our own time, and we realize the seams of those pieces will always be scar tissue. We are changed so very much by the death of our Child. You will need to be kind to yourself and understand that it sometimes is a minute to minute endeavor. Try very hard to listen to what that KInd Son would want for you. Do that for yourself, do what HE would want, which I would bet might be, take very gentle care of the woman he loves so dearly. Take care of YOU. You won't feel like there is any point to life for a long while, but please know that we are still here for a reason which means we still have a job to do here. Hang on O F.

My 19 year old daughter died nearly 10 years ago when a train hit her car at a broken crossing in Kalamazoo, Michigan. We live just outside of Chicago. It is a long and twisted path, but one day you will feel that all the work it is to stay alive and vital are worth it.

Peace

Shelly, we can write to each other about our walks when you start walking again. I will cheer you on.

[Sholl1955]

As the anniversary day comes closer I feel as if Sarah has been forgottten. Today the woman that is married to my son in-laws dad very cheerfully said to me "Well the 14th is almost here" Now she is a different kind of person and I know she did not intend to hurt me but it went through my heart like a knife. I want her remembered and most everyone I know do not want to talk about her but it hit me wrong. I guess nothing any one says will make me happy anyway.

[Mermaid Tears]

As the anniversary day comes closer I feel as if Sarah has been forgottten. Today the woman that is married to my son in-laws dad very cheerfully said to me "Well the 14th is almost here" Now she is a different kind of person and I know she did not intend to hurt me but it went through my heart like a knife. I want her remembered and most everyone I know do not want to talk about her but it hit me wrong. I guess nothing any one says will make me happy anyway.

Sarah's Beautiful Mom....I am going to 'quote' something Dee wrote a few days ago......'Now the question of how. How do I make the most of life with this hole in my heart? How do I tell people to use my child's name even though he or she is gone? How do I let people know that I need to speak about my child even if it makes them uncomfortable? How do I best honor the life of my child?

In re-writing that....I just wanted you to know that those feelings and questions....that you ask. and I ask..maybe not out loud....but in the secret place in our hearts....is universal.....we will be here for you everyday...and on the 14th.....I know you will find a way to honor and remember your Sweet Sarah...not that much time has passed....and when the layer of grief softens....your thinking will become clearer....and you will find a personal expression to shine the light on her. She is still your child...you are still her Mom....and not even death can break those bonds.

[Jeff's Mom]

Just quickly stopping to say that I am reading every day. I am just not feeling much up to writing. Thanks to everyone sending prayers and good wishes for my husband. I lay in bed last night just listening to him breathing and almost wanted to tape the sound. I am just dreading this next week. I had a neighbor walk over to our place and stand outside talking to me as I was standing by my car. She actually had the nerve to ask me if I was thinking of selling our home!!! He is NOT dead. He has not even had a chance to fight this thing. I could have strangled her. And as far as mentioning my son's name. I agree with Dee. Unfortunately, people do back away when they hear the name of the child. I'm sorry to say that most people are just not sure of how to respond. Perhaps one day they will teach it in school. Teach children that death is something to be faced and not to be afraid of. That compassion towards the grieving is a normal reaction. Just not in my time I gather. I will still continue to mention his name as often as I darned well feel like it.

[Lee's mum always]

Hi To All Indigo's.

Kate sending my love and Best wishes to you , you are in my thoughts. I agree that people do not like to mention are children's names, i experience this all the time, it is something that bugs me big time. I will always mention my Child's name wether they like it or not.

I see there are new people here, so sorry for your loss. This is a great place to find understanding and comfort, It helps me so much.

Sending Hugs and good wishes to Everyone, I hope your day will be filled with some measure of peace.

Lee's Mum Noreen.

[BrendaDup59]

Hi , well I wish I could say I am doing alright but as each day draws nearer my anxiety just builds ,never know when I will snap at someone maybe I should be wearing a warning sign ! well I had Bronchitis the last 2 weeks and get up this morning to a UTI so I have been out to the doctors already . then my little grand daughter Jaci has her dental surgery in the morning .. that just makes me sick to my stomach to think about . so please say a prayer for my girl.. oh on a good note my son Brett and I are at least talking .. all of his children have the flu , they didn't get them the flu shot . I worry about them. ever since I lost Brian I have such a fear of losing someone else. this is just part of it I guess.

Kate I hope and Pray everything goes good for hubby. just know I am thinking about you .

To the new mom on here I am so sorry about your son . you found a wonderful place to come to . and I hope you come back and tell us more about him .

to everyone .. I can hardly write this for crying this is just one of those days ..I am so sorry if I missed and birthdays or angelvesary's

you all are always in my thoughts . Love Brenda

here is a pic of my girl.

[Guest]

.

[halcottgirl368]

Hi everyone, I hate what I am about to ask, but I don't know where else to go, and maybe no one will have any answers, but it is eating me up inside and I don't know how to act or think.

When my daughter, Cheri, passed away on 2/2/13, she was alone, she was also on welfare. Supposedly, her boyfriend went to her home 3 different times that day and finally on the 3rd time he decided to wake her, he didn't the 1st 2 times because he thought she was sleeping a drunk off. Maybe, just maybe, she was alive the 1st 2 times he went there, because the ME made it sound that way. The thing I am having such a hard time about is because she was on welfare, in Florida, me, I am on SSD here in NY, her one brother is in MS, and we just didn't have $5000 plus to have her flown back to upstate NY, the county in Florida cremated her and sent her remains to her brother in MS. It is eating me up that 1, I was not able to see her but mainly I keep having these thoughts and images of her being cremated, and I can't shake them. Right now, I don't know if I will ever be able to get the images out of my mind.

Kathy B

[shorty16]

Kathy,

My 16 year old son, Brian was creamated. Believe it or not, that is what he wanted. We have taken some of those ashes and:

-Spread them in the Atlantic

-Spread them in the Pacific

-Spread them over the Smoky Mountains of Virgina

-Each one of us has an Urn necklace we wear. (mine is a heart)

I do realize that creamation was not very popular even a decade ago, but has come into favor especially if the family is seperated by distance.

Right now, thinking anything through is very difficult.

Just to let you know, creamation was my son's choice and it worked out well for us.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Lee's mum always]

Hi Kathy,

My son Lee was cremated like Colleen's son Brian, I struggled also with it at first. But it was what Lee wanted.So it was comforting to know his wishes were fufilled. His ashes were spread on the mountain where he had his accident. It was a fitting tribute to him as he so loved the outdoors. I think in time you will come to terms with this,and not feel so badly as you do now. Sending my best wishes to you.

Lee's Mum Noreen.

[O F]

Hi, Kathy,

It wasn NOT your daughter who was cremated, it was her body which was cremated. Her real being, her soul is alive and near you and will always be...

Do not torment yourself about something which is not harmful and is beautiful ( putting the ashes into the ocean, into the wilderness, into the mountains) and was not important to your daughter.

=============

To everybody who supported me - THANK YOU. It really helps a lot to listen to the people who know ....

Paul's mom Oksana

[tobyfreefoot]

kate-i can feel your anxiety thru the screen. keeping you in my thoughts

lora-so nice to take the time to talk with your co worker. it seems important to be there now, knowing how few people are willing to listen.

i would like to respond to many but it is 4 pm and haven't been to bed yet. i had to go to norman to do a minor repair on the headstone before rain comes. finally i got to lie beside forest and take an hour nap. i have been wanting to do that since he died.

i have several good friends from jr. high school. 4 showed up at forest's funeral. i have always wondered why i made that comment "except i don't have a dead kid" and i realize now this woman and i have had very uncanny similar lives during that 35 years and i think i was terrified. one of my early thoughts was "now it happened to me too" i use to think maybe i caused it, jeneane thought it was her fault. i am beginning to think there really is some science fiction thread between us, i think there is no way it couldn't happen and that is why i was so freaked out to find out she had a child die. i was so afraid i would too...

the cosmos is very strange and unknowable i think

night night all