Loss of an Adult Child

[JD's Mom, Becky]

WOW!! Carol, that was soo special! Happy Birthday to you, and I am so glad your "Mikes" let you know they are near.

[andy88]

Hello Dear Friends,

It's been quite awhile since I've posted anything, but I think of you every day. Carol I loved your pennies story! I'm glad to know you are doing ok. One week from today will be Andy's 2-year angelversary...I just can't believe it's been 2 years. I do think I'm doing much better. I now realize there's nothing I could do or not do that would make me forget him. He is with me always. Anyway, it is thanks to this incredible group of people that I have come so far, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I am starting off on a new adventure in honor of Andy...I am (in addition to my day job) becoming an advocate for an organization whose mission is to remove the stigma of addiction and make it easier for people to seek treatment. It's my way of keeping Andy's memory alive and making his life keep blessing others. Check out www.heroesinrecovery.com and help me spread the word

Welcome to all the new people. So sorry you have to be here, but you have found a wonderful place of love and compassion. Two years ago I wanted to die, but I want you to know that it does change for the better over time. May you all be blessed with small moments of happiness.

Love,

Pam

[tobyfreefoot]

http://www.heroesinrecovery.com/

pam i have to get to bed but wanted to fix this so you can just click the link. i haven't had time to check it out but i will and post it on my facebook where i have many young adults as friends!

carol the picture is so beautiful to see. the signs wanted to make me shout i love you to you! it just made me feel so happy. if you can get your mikes to have my crazy obsessive son take time out from whatever is holdinfg his interest to let me have a sign i'd appreciate it. LOL. happy birthday!

[Mermaid Tears]

Pam....thank you for sharing your inspiring message and 'gift' from your son ...for I know he is whispering to you...to do something in his honor...and memory....and something for you to hold on to and reach out 'for' others....I feel like something is carrying us on....

Carol....I think we all needed that 'penny story' from you....to make our hearts smile....Lora and Dee and others have posted their personal 'visits' and signs....and it gives me such a lift in my spirit....and I feel a 'touch' ....Becky has posted these gorgeous photos...and the photos she has made ....of her son....in sharing all has given me inspiration...

[aim630]

I just lost a huge post addressing everyone...Thanks to everyone who expressed concern over Katie. We did go Saturday and she seems fine, until you question her. Then she begins crying. It scares me that she hides it so well, and she would not answer when I asked her if she ever thought of killing herself. I know she knows that would kill me, but I worry it's something she might not have control over. She is going to the psychologist next Tuesday, so I hope that helps.

Love to you all, sorry I lost the first post.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[daveydow1]

Carol----So glad to see your post. You are so right.....each person must

navigate the rough, and sometimes lonely, road of grief in their own

timeline.....not someone else's declaration of what is 'right'. Glad that

you have a new puppy....pets offer us so much comfort....they're so cute,

and faithful, and only want to give & receive love..Thanks also for the

"pennies from heaven" story for your birthday.....(Mike and Ralph are

surely behind this one) . Such nice pics of your dear dad. Thanks

for posting them.

Mitomom-----

I'm so very sorry that your dear little son Ayzac is so ill, and

that his prognosis is not bright. I will send along prayers for him and

for you and your entire family. Wishing you peace.

Lora----I agree....it is good to hear people say that you have such nice

kids, and I do understand that it may not have always been an easy road.

I, too, can say that of my kids ( two daughters and a son ), and of course...

my angel, Davey. They had some rough times growing up also, but all

turned out ok. It is good that you kids can have open and honest conversations

with you,....and keeping that line open is good for all.

Sandy----Sorry to hear that you are in a dark place. Sending thoughts & prayers

that you will feel a bit better.

Shelly----The 'Sarah Smiles' outreach is a wonderful way to honor your sweet

daughter. She's surely smiling down.

Del----

I think that anyone who has been on this road for awhile will be able to

vividly remember the 6 month mark on the journey. I found it to be a very

painful time too. It seemed like all the shock protection had worn off, and the

harsh reality of our loss was there... so real and stark. I hope your memories will

help bring a measure of comfor to you.

Dee----

The flowers and the disc with Chinese inscription of 'Beautiful Daughter' EER

sounds so lovely. I, too, remember when I stumbled onto this site....(after lurking

in the background for a year.....just reading the posts from time to time). I finally

signed on, and found that the others who were already on this road were so nice

and welcomed me here. I thought that maybe I'd stay around for a few months, but

here we are.....going on 10 years. Many many people have helped me on this site.

Some who were on the road for a long time, and some who had just joined. Every

one had something to say that has helped. As someone else said......we find out

that we are not alone on this road, and by communicating with everyone, and reaching

out, it does ease the heavy load of grieving.

Becky----Good sign about texting.

Pam----

Good to see your post. Your new adventure is a wonderful way to honor

your dear son, Andy. Peace to you.

WISHING PEACE AND COMFORT TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

Sweet Carol, My DIL is also a lovely woman born on the 7th of February. Nice. Happy upcoming birthday, may you feel the love and see many hearts. The pennies from heaven were a perfect way to find this day.

Becky, I too love the NO TEXT AND DRIVE. Good going.

Pam, so nice to see you. ALmost two years goodness. I remember your first posts. I love that you are working with such a wonderful cause. Thank you on behalf of everyone I know that has had issues with addiction and those that lost their battle with it. Thank you. Andy is grinning.

Amy, sorry that you lost your post, I hate that. So very glad that your Girl agreed to seek help, and I am glad that she had you and her Grandmom with her the other day. The tears are how she is coping, she can let them out with you, thankfully, as she stays looking okay to her friends. I am sending prayers for your sweet Kate.

Gretchen, how nice of you to make the site that Pam posted accessible. Thanks Kiddo. You are going to bed early, are you okay?

Sherry, yes indeed who would have thought nearly ten years later we remain here, holding hands, hearts and being held by those same hands and hearts. Our circle changes sometimes, but it never stops widening to let new folks in and never stops loving and praying for those no longer posting. Ongoing is who we are. We go on. How is Misty?

[shellyku]

Morning folks!

Carol - good to hear from you! Sounds like your puppy is leadinig you to some hearts! Maybe that's Mike and Mike saying "hurray! you got a companion when you really need one!" The hearts may represent their agreement with that decision. Not to mention, of course, their total and immeasurable love for you! In regards to the Smiles by Sarah idea that you might want to implement in your local area, I say "SPREAD THE LOVE, BABY". I pray it's something that brings you joy.

I want to thank all who've responded positively about the Smiles by Sarah project. Myself, my daughter Jilll and my SIL met with the Pediatric Cancer Foundation director yesterday and she is so excited about collaberating. She wants to do a SBS summer camp this year for cancer kids. I'm beyond excited about this and some other things she suggested. SARAH LIVES!

Must get ready for work. Sorry I didn't address everyone but as Arnold says "I'll be back"! Have a blessed day all.......Shelly

[ericasmom]

Shelly, thanks for putting a big smile on my face this morning. The joy in your post is another SMILE BY SARAH.

[517958]

Rough night. Woke this morning in tears. It feels like what I would think PTSD feels like. Not liking it one bit.

Sandy

Yes, when you lose a child I think you definitely go through PTSD. For months, maybe even close to a year, my brain was not working right at all. I would wake up in the morning and not know what day it was for maybe 10 minutes. First I'd lie there and try to figure out if it was still true - was my baby still dead? Yes, I guess so. Then cry for a while. Then start trying to figure out what day it was. I was still working then and it was kinda important to know if it was the weekend or not. My husband and I both had it and did some really silly stuff, like cook a whole pot of chili for the next day(s) and then forget to put it in the fridge overnight, or go to the store for one specific item and get home to find you bought everything else BUT that item. I once thought I locked my keys in the car and waited an hour for the AAA guy to come, only to find the keys in the diaper bag right where I had put them. I learned to just be patient with myself when I did silly stuff due to this "condition." The hard part is that other people don't know this happens to a person with such a terrible loss, so sometimes they get impatient. My MIL was kinda laughing at me during one of those times (she asked me to order something at a restaurant for her and I forgot) and I told her about it and she seemed shocked that's what we were going through.

The good news is that I seem to have gotten pretty much back to normal in the PTSD department after 1.5 years. I now know what day it is when I wake up and I only do something silly once in a while (which is normal for me:)). The pain endures though, as I would expect it to for just about ever.

[Mermaid Tears]

I have been in deep thought and another black sadness....had to finally come to terms of making arrangements for the 'Blessing and Releasing' of John David's ashes....I have to make plans for with a family as large as ours...and living in Oregon...California...Texas...and all have children and work..schedules and baseball and vacation time to adhere to.....it would be in everyone's best interest to make some decision early....so....everyone can make their plans....so I decided to do it on his 'Angel Date'.....and his very favorite place to be....Port Aransas, Texas.....he graduated from Gregory Portland High School....Portland is very near Port Aransas....so we spent many days and hours there as a family....and he and his friends...wow...the fun they had...and Spring Break was the best....he was even on the High School Surf Team...so were 2 other sons....and since...we have had many family vacations there with him and grandchildren....he teaching them how to crab...and find sand dollars....and I know that is where he would want us to gather....also....am in communication with his buddies...and they will all be there, too....I was talking to the lady about the reservations...am renting a huge place that also has 2 other cottages attached...and I thought I was ok...but ...I started sobbing....had to excuse myself and get my bearings...this happened many times during the conversation....but she was so sweet and understood.....this happens all the time...I am fine...and then I start to say something and start sobbing..so quick...catches me off guard...it is like I can be dark and light in a nano second...does this happen to anyone else ?? Anyway....another arrangement made...another thing checked off my 'dread list'....this is just so damn hard....I know many have been in my shoes....decided this morning I will keep some of his ashes....here....not ready to let go of all.....not yet....

[shellyku]

Mermaid Tears - I feel your pain when it comes to making arrangements for releasing John David's ashes! Sarah and Andy were to be married in St. Lucia when she was diagnosed with leukemia. She was told she wouldn't be able to make the trip, as she would be in treatment. She and Andy married in her hospital room on December 8, 2009. After she died, we all decided to go to St. Lucia on their 2nd anniversary to scatter some of her ashes there. I dreaded the trip! As it turned out, it was absolutely beautiful. Everything fell into place, including the most beautiful sunset I have ever seen in my life! Also that night was the biggest full moon I have ever seen in my life! I understand your trepidation, but when you said the "Blessing and Releasing" of his ashes, maybe some emphasis on the Blessing will make it easier. Holding you close in thought.....Shelly

[Mermaid Tears]

well...so hard....thank you for your thoughts and remembering...all I can do is my best...and at times...my best is not for everyone ...I will hold what you have told me...close to me...just trying to get on the road....and that old road is not what I thought it would be....doing my best....my daughter is having such a hard...hard time....with her daughter giving her grieve...thank you for each of you give me comfort....

[Mitomom]

First off thank you to everyone who responded and the warm welcomes. I find it difficult to read some of the posts, hearing the pain in how they are written, it's hard to believe that I am going to share that pain. I don't want that to sound selfish. I am very moved by everyone's stories and the obvious bonds that have been formed here. I had a difficult day. This morning I met with my sons palliative care team and we had to discuss rescusitation orders, end of life care, and emergency plans. The plan now is to make him comfortable and spend as much time as I can with him. Making memories and enjoying moments. It's funny how already my perception is changing...I find it a little hard to be present with him without crying and yesterday I realized I actually really love the smell of his toes when they are stinky. I wish I could bottle his smell and keep it. (not his stinky smell, just him in general) I'm finding myself missing him already as I think about all of the things he will never experience. Things I won't get to teach him. I think I have cried enough then I cry more. Just trying to keep in the moment and stay focused on today. He is in the hospital right now recovering from acute pancreatitis but hopefully he is home soon. I'm looking forward to having him home...I hope it is not the last time I have him home.

[Jilly's mom]

Aw. Gretchen, the sky lanterns are beautiful!!!! For us, it is like sending up birthday candles to Heaven. Thought about you all day on Forest's birthday.

Hugs.

Louise

[Mom of Chip]

Mitomom...I understand your feelings...My son was at home from the time he was diagnosed until his death 5 weeks later...He was in the emergency 5 times and admitted to the hospital 3 times.His hospital stays were only 2 nights, then we took him home. He was never in hospice, but if he not died that night in the hospital...that was the next step. I was his caregiver.....He was a very strong man, but there were things that I had to do for him. I spent more time with him than anyone else during those 5 weeks. We became very close...sometimes talking about what he wanted done after he was gone...sometimes laughing about memories we shared. I cherish those days...Though it hurts me so much that he is gone..I am glad we had that time together...I have a lot memories that were made in those 5 weeks...memories that no else has, and those memories sustain me.

Spend as much time as you can with your son..I know it is hard to think about all the things you won't get to share...but there will be a lot memories made that you will be glad you have.

Tell him you love him every chance you get.

Mermaid Tears...You are not by yourself in those dark moments..I have them, too..Everything seems to be fine....then suddenly some memory hits me and I am a basket case. I really have to work hard to hold it together sometimes.

To everyone else...It's comforting to see how you are coping. You all give me hope that I will be okay....

Now a question for all of you....I would like to go out with friends from time to time...maybe have breakfast or lunch, go shopping....I have suggested to several ladies that I would like to do this and that we should get together when it's convenient for them....but they don't call me back....I understand that they may be uncomfortable, but still...I am telling them I want to do some things with them...Should I push the issue...or just wait for them to call?

[Mermaid Tears]

geez....this is all I am ..now....

[ericasmom]

Del, make plans by you calling the ladies to do something. Have a calendar of dates that work for you, explain that you would like to have a simple afternoon out for lunch and some shopping and that you would love the company of friends. Either drive together or meet at a restaurant and once there, you can tell your friends that it means a lot to you to give this a try, that grief does show itself for folks like us, but that you appreciate their ability to be present with you even if tears present themselves. Saying this might help break the unspoken for them, put them at ease and start a conversation. It also insists that they deal with tears if they appear and lets them know that it is normal. So many folks want to fix us when we cry, but there is no fix, we learn to live with our ache, and over time we find we ache a bit less. We laugh again and we get busy again, but it all feels new and it can be exhausting. Good luck, it is what it is, try it, don't over plan the day, but set some goals for 2 hours or so if you feel up to it.

Louise, how are you, so good to see you.

Susan, yes, this is partly who you are now. Later, when some of the routines of your new life come to be, you will add on to who you are. You have a big family, gathering them will be a tall order but those who can come will. No, it will not be easy but as Shelly said, it will hold some beauty too. The release of John David's ashes will be emotional and it will be in some ways a relief as you feel compelled to spread them. Many folks that I have met here kept some of their beloved's ashes and put them in small necklaces that they wear. Others used the ashes in tattoo ink and had a tattoo inked on them. These also might be options for some of John's siblings.

I am sorry that your Daughter's Daughter is having difficulty. Is she experimenting with bending all of the rules? Has it been since the loss of your Son? It may be a good time for your Daughter to take the family to therapy and get some basic grief work done with the 'worrisome daughter' there to see how she reacts. It may pave the way for her to get some anxiety voiced and for her to secure some private therapy if this seems warranted.

Mitomom, I don't have the ability to know just how hard this must be for you. To nurture your healthy children and support and nurture your little sweetheart knowing he is not here long must be the very hardest thing. I pray for you and for your Boy to feel so much love all around him.

I was with my Girl, Erica, when she died. She was 19 and lived for 6 days after a train hit her car. We had to have a DNR on her as her brain injury was too devastating to live. We had the machines stopped on day 6, and we were withher. While this is a very different scenario than your situation, I will tell you that she left with some magic. She had a peaceful look to her, a bird sat on her window ledge, and I felt her leave the broken pieces behind. A few hours later, when the sun was going down we saw Eri blazing her trail heavenward, in a blast of bright pink- it is long story really, and sounds quite unbelievable but there were others who witnessed what I saw. Amazing that our little one was showing us that she was okay and that she was on her way. I do elieve that she felt great relief in leaving her hurt-self, and I do believe that she was free adn joyous upon leaving.

Blessings.

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee....woke up at 4 this morning and had the same thoughts....that she was 'in grief' and all this behavior started about 3 months ago....subtle changes....she is gorgeous...also plays varsity soccer...(even though she is a Freshman)...in all Honors classes...Debate team...she decided she didn't want to go out for High School cheerleader...because she wanted to play sports..(she was 7th and 8th grade cheerleader)....today I am going to go out to my daughter's house and have a heart to heart talk while all the kids are at school....I, too, think counseling...is going to be the best thing we can do ....my son-in-law is devastated...and I think he is one of the best Dad's in the whole world....I have always thought if all kids had parent's like them...what a wonderful world...and I am very, very close to both of them....her twin, Hunter Bear is the grandson so much like John David....our family really doesn't need this 'trouble' now...but it is what it is....and wishing and hoping it will go away is not going to solve it....I guess I have had blinders on....and just didn't see how it hurt her....I will let everyone know how the talk went with my daughter and son-in-law...thank you all once again for being here....and holding me up....and thank you for letting me know how your 'releasing and blessing' of your loved ones ashes went....it helps to know that others have 'been there, done that'....I get overwhelmed so much...I feel like I just want to take care of ONE THING AT ONE TIME...

[Jeff's Mom]

Why is life so hard? As if this is not enough to deal with. People are so lucky that have the support of family and close friends. But what about those that do not? How do we get through it? How do we face our pain alone? Hubby has cancer and I contacted my so called family....brother and sister that have not spoken to me in over a year. I was greeted with a three line email from one and the other email stated that they hoped we would be fine and wished us "all the best"???? And so today as I sit here while listening to background music Fool On The Hill I can not help but wonder if that is how I appear to them. Monkey in the middle even at my age. They are joined at the hip. Who said Cinderella was a fairy tale? Mean people exist. Well, I will pull myself together after a momentary meltdown and face the fact that I am in this on my own. My son has offered to come home, but he has a family of his own and a life over a thousand miles away. Wow...this feels so much harder after losing Jeff. Who said these were the golden years? More like the Iron age to me.

[Jeff's Mom]

I feel selfish writing that last post. Sorry, I can't seem to figure out how to delete it. I just wanted to say that I am thinking of all of you and sending love and the best of wishes. If I am not able to post tomorrow I want to wish Carol a lovely day. I know it will be tough day, but I hope you are surrounded by more hearts than you can count!

[Sholl1955]

Oh Kate, you have absolutely nothing to apologize or feel bad about. You have been here to support and help so many people and the good thing about this site is that we can come here and say whatever is on our minds and hearts and people understand and support us and don't judge us. You and your husband have alot on your plate and I know it hurts not to have their support. I totally understand the pain you are feeling right now as it has happened in my family. It hurts when you need your family the most they are not there. They don't understand, and I don't want them to go through what we have but it hurts and leaves us feeling abandoned and alone. I would be willing to guess Kate that we are not the only ones on this site that have to deal with this. Losing our children has a way of isolating us in ways we never imagined. You and your hubby are in my prayers and please continue to come here and share with those who love and care for you.

You are not alone.

I care.

Sandy

[daveydow1]

Kate----Your are not selfish, in telling how you feel about your family

being so distant and not giving you any support in this difficult time.

I am praying for you and your husband. Peace to both of you.

Mitomom----

I have dificulty finding the words I want to say because I

have not been your situation. I hope and pray that your little guy will

be coming home from the hospital soon, so you can have that precious

baby all to yourself to shower him with your love, and the love of

everyone in the family. Bless his little heart. Peace to you, friend.

Susan----

I hope that your plans for John David's memorial on his angel

day in Texas go along smoothly. It sounds like there's a lot of plans to

be taken care of for quite a few people. Your fervent wish to honor and

memorialize John David will no doubt serve to energize you in your plans.

Shelly----

A wonderful way to honor Sarah...by helping all the children.

It was so nice (and bittersweet...I know) to go to St Lucia after Sarah

passed, but she must have been there....smiling down....and helping

send the lovely sunset.

Dee-----

Misty is doing pretty good lately. No more trips back to the vets,

so far. I do have to stop in and pick up the special food that she must

eat. Vet thinks she has an allergy to the 'fillers'....(corn, wheat, etc.) that

is in the everyday catfood, and that she has a strong intolerance to it.

Sooooo......must buy her the pricey catfood, but she's worth it. Later

we can try to introduce some other kinds, but for now.....it's the 'cadillac'

of catfoods for her.

WISHING ALL INDIGOS PEACE AND TRANQUILITY.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[BrendaDup59]

Kate ,I am so sorry to read that your husband has cancer ,I have not been reading much and missed that post (So Sorry) also with your having to go through this without your family's support.If I could I would give you a HUG .. I am here if you ever want to talk .. even though lately I have not been on here but you can message me anytime. <3..

I am having a hard time with Brian's angelversary coming up next month .. we may be going to FINALLY order his grave marker .. I cant wait .. I feel so bad he doesn't have one yet .. but I hope to make up for it with what I want to get him .. I will keep you all posted .. well I also did something that if all of my family knew that would sure have an opinion about, since I got into it with my DIL (Brett's wife) it has bothered me..... not that I let her have it ,but I let my anger get the worst of me and I did say some things I should not have said so I wrote her an apology I said I was sorry for SOME of the things I said and how some things came out not the way I intended .. I have always been as my mom says to forgiving .. she told me today I lost the son that was so much like me and she was right Brian was such a kind hearted guy . anyway I did not let Brett off the hook for the way he has and still is treating me ... did I think they would respond???? NO .. but that's OK I had a good talk with myself last night when I could not sleep .. I love my son Unconditionally , but I do not like the man he has become sadly he has become a product of his environment and nothing I do or say will ever change that.so I just have to let him go ,I cant make him love me or want to be around me or my family .. it breaks my heart ,I should as his mom had his love and support this year with losing his brother but he made it about him too. I miss my grand children so much and that hurts because they are cheated out of a family that loves and misses them .. maybe someday they will know the truth .. I still have my Kaleb who is so much like his big brother I feel like I am raising Brian all over again. and I also have all my lil Brian's each one has something like him . and I thank GOD for them . well I have to get off here I am having problems with my neck ,I finally called about my MRI results and I have an apt next Monday,I cut and fixed my moms hair today and now I am in so much pain I can hardly sit here , so I hope everyone has a good evening , Take Care Brenda

I forgot to tell you the Canary came back this past Sunday he seems to be doing OK with the really cold temps . here are a few pictures I took we have the Canary, a Junco, Chickadee,Robin , and house Finch , and American Gold Finch, some were taken while we had snow flurries .

[shellyku]

Just want to take a moment to tell you Kate that I'm so sorry to hear about your husband! I pray that whatever kind of cancer it is, that it is treatable and manageable. My thoughts are with you and your husband and so sorry to hear that you have no one to support you....except for all of us here!

Carol - wishing you a birthday filled with hearts and signs from Mike and Mike! My guess is you'll have plenty of both!

Nite all!

[ericasmom]

Kate, I don't think that you sounded selfish at all, just exasperated, disappointed, let down, and afraid. I am so sorry that your Husband is ill. I only hope that the doctors know how to best treat his cancer and that you and he find strength in that and in your partnership and your faith. Jeff is holding you close and while your other Boy is 1000 miles away, if you need him, call him. He would want to be there if needed. Prayers.

Brenda as you approach the dates that spun your world out of kilter, remember that it is normal to begin feeling out of sorts from the anticipation and the sadness that accompanies it. I am so sorry that Brett is not able to step up and be a support or even just a family member since Brian left. What a pity. I wonder if he just is so unsure of grief and so unsure of what his role would become that he got scared and went the opposite way. I hope your neck heals, my back has been very bad since Saturday, wearing my brace since then and two visits in three days to my chiropractor. I am icing down my right hip as I sit here. Your neck needs some help, do you use ice? I do about ten to twenty neck stretches each day to alleviate the tension that builds there but to also aide an old injury. Sit with feet flat on floor, pull your head in with your neck, lean your head back to look to the ceiling, and then return to a natural posture and repeat...about 10 times. Do you have disk issues? If so, ask a doc before doing these. We are here Brenda, holding onto your heart as you face this mark of time.

Sherry, glad that Misty is doing well. TOo bad she has an expensive tummy. But as you said, she is worth it. How is your Mom getting along?More snowy-rain mix supposed to hit tonight. Nice temps today, 30 degrees, nice recess for the kids in the snow and bright sunshine.

Sandy, how are you doing this week? How are the girls? Is your new job providing you with some nice co-workers? How is your husband doing these days?

[Jeff's Mom]

Thanks to everyone for your support.....I appreciate it. Love to all. Kate

[JD's Mom, Becky]

I made some calls today, to try to further our quest to lower the speed limit on our road, and when that was done, I just broke down and cried, and called out to God in the name of Jesus to please hear my prayer and make a way, for this and for all the changes we are trying to make to honor our son, Jared.

Then I went through my pictures and found one of my family at Jared's gravesite, where we all put up our one forefinger pointing to heaven in the "one love" sign. After I did some work on it in my photoshop program, I then posted that to my FB page, and to Jared's memorial page, and asked everyone to pray with us.

God answers prayer! I got a call from someone that can be very helpful in the speed limit issue, and he promised to do whatever he could to help us, and then I got another call that shocked me down to my toes. I can't speak of what it was, but suffice it to say that I feel justice is on the way! More tears.... but happier ones!

Hang in there, hang in there, hang in there!

[aim630]

Kate-I am sorry your family is not supporting you right now. I pray for strength for you and your husband.

Carol-Happy Birthday tomorrow. I know it will be hard without both your Mikes, but hopefully you'll find a few hearts tomorrow. They do such a good job of letting you know they are near. I'm glad you're enjoying your dog.

Sherry-I'm glad your cat is doing better. I think one of mine needs to be on special food. I've tried different store brands, by she's still getting sick. I will be calling the vet tomorrow.

Brenda-I'm sorry Brett and his wife are not treating you well, especially as you near Brian's angelversary next month. Hold tight to Kaleb and Brian's children. I hope in time Brett will come around. I love your bird pictures. Dee is right, they could be published in Birds and Blooms. Hope your neck feels better soon.

Dee-Sorry your back has been giving you problems. I hope the ice helps.

Becky-Great news about the phone calls. Jared is watching over you, and telling you to keep working to change that speed limit. He knows you've worked so hard.

Love and strength to all.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[Mom of Chip]

Kate, you're not selfish....there are times in everyone's life when they need the support of family....and right now, you need a lot of it. It's so sad that your family cannot understand that this is a tough time for you. I hope the doctors are able to treat your husband's cancer..I am praying for you.

Becky, hurray!! Now maybe something will be done about the speed limit..Yes, God does answer prayer..in ways we can never imagine.

Brenda, we have not put up a headstone for Chip yet, either...but I am glad we haven't because during January we had a lot of rain and his grave has settled quite a bit. The cemetery association put some dirt on it and leveled it, but it will settle some more during the spring rains, I fear.....but we plan to have his stone set by his birthday in July....I hope that Brett comes around and is able to comfort you. I can't imagine how I would get thru my grief without the support of my son and daughter.

Happy Birthday, Carol.

Hope everyone's aches and pains get better..

Today while I was taking my afternoon nap...sort of in that in between stage of not quite being asleep...I had an image of Chip with his face pressed up to mine, and he was grinning..It seemed so real....I woke up crying...and I'm crying now just thinking about it.

Good night...Love to you all.

[Guest]

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[ericasmom]

May This Birthday Be JOYOUS CAROL, with signs from your two Beloved Men who adore you and want you to know it. Hearts, Pennies, Clouds, Rainbows, and Love Bugs-as many different kinds of symbols as can be on this special day.

Becky I can't wait to hear more when you are able.

Picking out a place to disperse ashes and picking out a stone for the cemetery...very emotional tasks my friends. Be kind to yourselves in these endeavors.

[Jeff's Mom]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CAROL! HOPE YOUR TWO SPECIAL MEN SURROUND YOU WITH LOVE AND THE WARM AND TENDER MEMORIES YOU CARRY IN YOUR HEART WILL GIVE YOU PEACE.

[BrendaDup59]

Happy Birthday Carol

I hope you get to

Enjoy your day .

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Just wanted to take a minute to respond to some of your postings. I was pretty self absorbed yesterday.

Carol, I think I wished you happy birthday a couple of days ago, but wanted to say it again, as you are so special in the way you are always there for each of us despite what you are going through. You are my hero! Happy Happy Birthday!! I am sure you will sense and see your "Mikes" today!

Susan, with John David, also known as J.D.,like my Jared, may God bless you and continue to give you strength. I know your plans are taxing, but will be so worth it for the new memories you are creating.

Mitosmom, I feel some type of way everytime you have posted. I remember all those precious babyhood moments, and I pray you will never forget them. Kiss that precious child from all of us, and know that we are praying for your strength physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Kate, I am so so sorry about your husband. I have walked that path when my older sister had a cancerous brain tumor, which she survived surgery and after treatment, and know how hard the day to day was in going through that. You add to that your loss, and lack of support, and you are bound to feel overwhelmed. I pray for strength for you and your husband at this time.

Lora, omg, I wish I had your energy!! I can understand why people gravitate to you! I know what you mean by it all being exhausting. Just like me yesterday, doing what needed to be done, but at the end of it, I was spent. Didn't get much sleep last night as a result. This walk of grief is the hardest thing I have ever done, and it does take everything from you. I pray for your strength as well.

Dee, I hope you are feeling better! I so want to shout what I have learned from the mountain tops, but I have to exercise patience. I am not a very patient person, so it's been hard for me to be still and wait for things to play out. I know the time will come when I can share the "rest of the story", whether it's in form of a newscast or a book, I don't know, but I know the day is coming, and that it will mean the beginning of healing for me and my family. Thank you for always being here to listen to each of us!

Gretchen, Forest's birthday celebration was absolutely wonderful!! Thanks for sharing it with us!

Brenda, your pictures were beautiful, as always. What a talent!! Thank you for visiting Jared's memorial page, that was very special to me! I know how hard that first year date was for us, and I am sorry. Others speak of how it gets easier with the passage of time, and I hold on to that. That goes for you too, Sandy. I hope each of you can gather strength just knowing our angels are watching over us, and understand how we feel, but do wish for us to feel their love and their light in this life we must continue in without them.

Sherry, I know you understand better than most what our struggles are in dealing with Jared's senseless death, and I appreciate all the times you have reached out to me with support.

Shelly, You are sounding much better, and I am glad. It just gets overwhelming at times, as others that haven't experienced what we have, just never get it. I am so happy you are getting involved in the "smiles" project in honor of Sarah! That is so special!! You inspire me!

Susan, Del, Chips Mom, and others talking about the memorials and markers... I have started a project to improve our lot at the cemetery by blocking off our section with stone block on the outside border, and ordered over 1000 lbs. of river rock to go inside of it. I am just waiting for a new base for Jared's marker, which was beautiful, with his picture and a poem he wrote as a child, but it was flat on the ground, and I was so worried about it getting damaged, that I asked the funeral director that did his marker to create a base that would raise it up off the ground, and is slanted, making it easier to read. My daughter and I went out to the site and cleared all the weeds and grass from our plot, sprayed weed killer and put down landscape fabric, put the border stones in place, and now we just are waiting for Jared's marker base to be completed before we put in the stones. I will post pictures when it is done. We have an urn with most of his ashes, but they buried a small container there at the cemetery, as I felt it important that his friends have a place where they can gather to be with him. We also each have a piece of jewelry with some of his ashes. That is very special to me, and my tatoo which was done putting some of his ashes in the ink.

I know I probably missed somebody, as there are many that don't post often anymore, but I think of you. Susannah, Colleen, Diane, Robin, David, HotRod,Susan (Shannon's mom), Betsy, Trudi, Amy...

For some reason, I can't change the font or colors.... don't know what is going on with that!

[Guest]

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[fennariomike]

Hello everyone - I'm new here and just wanted to introduce myself...

I'm Mike and I lost my 19 year old son Collin Young to a single car accident about 7 months ago - 7/1/2012. Like most people here - it's been the most difficult thing that I have ever faced.

Collin was driving home at about 1AM and was going too fast around a bend in the road, lost control of the car and hit a tree. Thankfully, there was a police officer literally right there when it happened (which is very lucky because it's a pretty rural area - and a back road at that...). My son had been thrown down across the front of the car - down where your feet would go - across both the driver and passenger sides. The car had crushed in around him. When the fire department arrived minutes after the accident, he was still breathing but unconscious and he was successfully extricated from the vehicle using the jaws of life. He was medflighted to Mass General Hospital where he died about 45 minutes later. I am comforted by the knowledge that he received the fastest assistance possible and was treated at one of the best trauma centers in the world. I know that he had the best and fastest help possible.

Collin was my middle child - he has 2 sisters, 23 and 12 - and I raised them all mainly as a single parent. Thankfully I have a very supportive family and this sad event has really caused us all to really cherish each other and to take the time to enjoy each other - because we now know that any day could be the last.

In the first couple of days after Collin's death I read up as much as I could find about grief after losing a child. I have gone to a grief counselor and a couple of different support groups. The counselor was good but after about 6 weeks I just didn't feel that it was quite what I needed. I went to a few meeting with Compassionate Friends, along with my oldest daughter - and that was good also, but still not quite what I felt that I needed. I found a local grief counseling/wellness center that I checked out and really got a lot out of.

So, I'm still in the typical first year grief cycle where the pain hits now sometimes unexpectedly and can be very bad. We have made it though Collin's birthday, Thanksgiving and Christmas - very painful but still enjoyable. Before losing Collin, I really hadn't had any real first hand experience with losing someone - so I really didn't have any idea what to expect in grief. I would have though that it was linear process - where it would start really bad and progressively it would get better. I know now that's not the case - at least for me. There are peaks and valleys - but lately the pain has been very tough. It even seems to get as bad as the very first day...

I know that everyone says that time heals. I don't think that exactly right though - at least for me. I feel like it never heals and it won't ever go away... I won't ever "get over it" - I'll just learn to live with it I suppose. I don't hide from the pain and I try hard to let it happen as it will - in it's own time.

We have a memorial page on Facebook that has been a very good thing for me - http://www.facebook....ps/collinyoung/

We have also started a scholarship fund, which has also given us something positive to work towards - and somewhere to direct our energy - http://www.collinyoung.org

Thank you everyone for being here for each other - it has been the support and experience of other parents that I have learned the most from. I'm so sorry for all of us that we have this in common. It's a club that none of us ever wanted to belong to...

[JD's Mom, Becky]

(((HUGS))) to you Mike! I love the poem! So sorry you have to join us here, but know that we understand and that we will be here for you as you walk this path.

I joined here about 14 months ago, after losing my 15 year old son, Jared, in October, 2011. He was hit from behind and killed by an SUV as he skateboarded towards home only 1/4 mile from our driveway. This forum and the folks here have been a lifeline for me, & will be the same for you.

I went to the memorial page you have created for your son, and it's easy to see how well loved he was, and how much he is missed. You have done so much to honor him, with the scholarship program, and concerts! That is such a wonderful tribute.

My family and I are involved in trying to reduce the speed limit on our road as well as to address lack of laws in our state that could have held the driver that killed our son accountable. It helps me put one foot in front of the other, but I well know that it doesn't take away the pain of missing your child. I don't think that is what happens ever. Those here much longer than I will tell you the pain gets softer, but we are forever changed. We get it.

Thank you for sharing your beautiful son with us.

[mikesmomrs]

So many posts i want to respond to, but have to go and do some things before it gets any later in the day. I will come back later. (Welcome, Mike...so very sorry for your loss and you have found a good place to land. It does get harder, especially nearing that first year mark, but we are here for you.)

Thank you all for your good wishes...it means so much. A double whammy of loss this birthday...both of my Mike's are here with me, but I wish so much I could physically reach out sink into their hugs.

Along with a picture of my husband and I last year, as i thanked him for my bday present, I wanted to share what has found me so far in regards to my birthday this year...last evening, as I was out with Lucy, I took the sunset heart picture, and this morning, while I was posting about my husband's card to me last year, Lucy pee'd on the floor...this was definitely from young Mike, though I am sure his dad had a hand in it!

Lora, thank you so much for the link, it was truly "heartwarming." (pun intended )

Love to all, and as always, you are all in my prayers!

[Jeff's Mom]

It is always hard to have to welcome another new member as we understand all too well what it means. Welcome Mike...and I am truly sorry for your loss. I also agree with you completely in the last sentence under the poem. Yes, that first year is so very difficult with many peaks and valleys. You are most welcome here and have found a terrific group of people to talk openly with about your true feelings. Carol...again a very Happy Birthday! Yes, the signs are all around. How are you enjoying that precious little pup of yours? Also, thanks again to everyone that offered their support last night. It came at a very good time and was most appreciated. Sending love and support to all. Love, Kate

[Jeff's Mom]

It is always hard to have to welcome another new member as we understand all too well what it means. Welcome Mike...and I am truly sorry for your loss. I also agree with you completely in the last sentence under the poem. Yes, that first year is so very difficult with many peaks and valleys. You are most welcome here and have found a terrific group of people to talk openly with about your true feelings. Carol...again a very Happy Birthday! Yes, the signs are all around. How are you enjoying that precious little pup of yours? Also, thanks again to everyone that offered their support last night. It came at a very good time and was most appreciated. Sending love and support to all. Love, Kate

[Jeff's Mom]

Sorry double post! Typical me.

[Guest]

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[ericasmom]

Mike, so so sorry that you lost your Boy...I lost my 19 year old Daughter, Eri, nearly 10 years ago. She too was in a bad car accident, her car hit by an Amtrak at a broken crossing in Kalamazoo, Michigan. I live in Chicago region where she and my Son were raised but they moved there to enjoy some snow boarding and life out from under their Mom and Step Dad and Father (divorced).

No, we don't ever forget nor does it heal all the way, but I promise that your heart will do some healing and your life will take on new shape after some time. Time though is needed, it does soften the sharp angles of ache that attack us so frequently in those first years. The increase in pain is something we all have had in common, it is the trajectory most of our emotions take as we face daily life with such a huge missing piece. Eventually we find a balance and it is in our love that we find it. Our love is forever, so is theirs. Always with us we are always their parent. Please hang on and continue to come back as we are all over the time line of grief, someone here to always reach out and hold you close.

Carol, that the dog can pee in heart shapes is definitely a sign from those two Mikes. THose loving Mikes.

[ericasmom]

For those of you on the east coast, I know that you are bracing for a big snowfall, blizzard conditions. I hope it is beautiful but not dangerous. We got about 3 inches of snow today after it rained most of the morning. Odd.but so happy to have more moisture...the drought continues but every little bit does help. Lake Michigan is at its lowest ever... evaporation over the winter hurried that along as it has not had an ice cover in along time.

Kate, how is husband doing?

Amy, thanks for your good wishes, my back is responding to the painful exercises, so that is making me much more motivated to do them every 90 minutes or so. This will be a slow process of healing.

Gretchen, you okay?

[briansdad]

JUST DROPPING IN ANOTHER VIDEO.

[briansdad]

For all the new people. I hope it helps.

[Mermaid Tears]

Kate....thinking of you....just want you to know....please keep us in the loop...and know you are in our hearts....

Dee....thank you for reaching out ...for you know this path of 'dreaded decisions' and plans...is not an easy task....

Lora....so with you having a heavy heart even when communicating...there you are having to 'think' about a marker...it is wise of you to know you should put some decisions on the back burner...for as Dee said....we need to take extra care of ourselves at these painful points of planning.....

For now....I have made all the reservations....and that is all I am good for...for now....as the months and days go by.....there will be other decisions....and plans ....to be worked out....but I just have to leave it for another day. All will be worked out.

Becky...our Warrior Mom....to think...getting a speed limit changed is no small task....God's Hands are wrapped around you....this will impact more than our minds can wrap around..and all for the good....and some parent out there will be touched..(they will never know)...for their child will come home....because of your relentless courage to change what has to be changed.

Carol ...a belated Happy Birthday....loved the penny story....and loved the photos you posted...your guys are whispering and cherishing you....

Mike....so sorry for the loss of your son, Collin.....you are right...this is not the club one wants to join...but...for me....it has been a life..SAVER...loved...loved your poem....for you hit the nail on the head.....people ask...'How are you'....I say...'I am fine'.....they really don't want to know...that my heart feels like it is truly...breaking....I crawl some days...crawl across a dark sadness...just to try to hang in there.....Lora put it in another way....such a heavy heart...but our minds are busy 24/7.....exhausting...we can have hands that reach out and hold us here....and touch the right spot with understanding...Dee has been on this path a long time....she gives me hope and inspiration....we are not the first or will be the last...and we can..in time...become our 'new normal'.....

Lora...I watched the Becki Hawkins video on youtube....so very wonderful and just as Elisabeth Kubler-Ross wrote about after all her research years ago....

I have been reading a book by Mark Anthony...titled.."Never Letting Go"......and I want to send this out to everyone....."Let go of the sorrow...but keep the Love".....and will come to that in my life....when the grief has softened it's grip on my heart....

I 'pray and talk' to John David.....I say...'it's ok, Bubu, ......we know you wouldn't have left us unless you had to'......and I can once again feel like the old Mom....the one who would always want my son to think he was doing the right thing......then.....the next morning...I wake up..and 'just want him back'...and we go back to square one....and then have to work through it all again...I know each of you go through the same...same thing ....am telling this so you will know that this is a normal part of mourning.

I hope the ones that are on the east coast will 'hunker down'.....that is Texas Talk when a storm is coming....blessings to all....pray comfort can come...even for a little time....or a small warm layer....

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Greg, beautiful song! We have Jared's car that we had bought for him. He wasn't old enough for his license yet, but he did drive it in the field next to us, as his dad was teaching him how to parallel park next to our fenceline, and he bumped the fence! The part of your song that talked about finding a field and tearing it up, reminded me of Jared driving our zeroturn tractor, and he cut donuts into the field doing it. Thanks for sharing that!!

My husband in in the process of restoring Jared's car, as they had planned to do it together. I think that is his way of feeling close.

[Mermaid Tears]

Thanks for the song...BriansDad