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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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forest's birthday is on the 30th. been trying to organize a laser tag game and sky lanterns with his friends for the weekend. friday, i went with my mom to the memorial as she hadn't seen it yet. i put up some really nice flowers. i showed her where i put a piece of bronze in the ground to mark the end of his coffin before the grass covers it over. i like to lay beside it and throw my arm over him. i said to my mom "i put it there because i don't want to lose him" i'm usually completely composed and when i said it i started sobbing so hard my mom had to support me because my knees were buckling. i said "i'm fine i'm fine" and within about 20-30 seconds i was back composed again but boy those seconds sure let her see what is really buried in my heart.

i am taking one or two days off on his birthday and to help my daughter who is getting divorced.

the oil company has decided to redrill in some old well sites that are on my property. i have 40 acres and they are drilling in two places---one right behind my house and one just catty corner. when i bought this land i was told that most of the oil was tapped out, the field is left from the 20's. now they have decided to go in all the old wells and drill deeper hoping to reach a second pool. when i moved here i didn't have a neighbor for miles now i have a few neighbors and booming, growling trucks and backhoes tearing up my property and my serenity, oilmen everywhere and soon to be towering derricks a stone's throw from my house. not what i need at this time in my life. bleeeaaah.

i'm sure i have missed a lot of b-day's and anniversaries. please know i think of you all often. i'm trying to compile a list because my addled brain has trouble keeping everyone straight, their name, child, age, cause of death, state they live in, hobbies, birthday and angel date. i want to be able to have everyone clearly pictured in my mind with out having to think just like any other friends. i guess it is harder because unfortunately we are always adding and dropping friends and have less to visually connect. anyway love to all.

it is 77 degrees here today crazy!!

we played this at forest's funeral:

watch the sky for me by powerman 5000

Watch the sky for me,

watch the night

I'll be there for you in starlight

as your feet touch the ground,

I'll be floating along

watch the sky for me tonight

just as every moment leads you to the past,

just as everything has gone

I'm the one you need to know that there is someone else

just as this is now goodbye

watch the sky for me,

watch the night

cause I'll be there for you in starlight

as your feet they touch the ground,

I'll be up floating along

watch the sky for me tonight

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while i'm being nostalgic--besides moonlight sonata and watch the sky for me we played this:

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While we are discussing signs..I have one I need to tell you about. Our family has seen several since Chip became an angel, but today I was really hit hard.

I visited the cemetery today and for the first time I shed no tears. I don't know if I am healing or getting numb...but when I got back into the car a song came on that Chip and his ex used play at all their gigs. It was my favorite and I have always sung along with it, but today I couldn't. It spoke to me a way that I had never felt before....Drift Away by Dobie Gray...Chip was an excellent guitarist..he could copy anybody...and his wife was a good singer...their band did it just like Dobie did it.

Sorry, I am computer stupid...hope this link takes you to YouTube.

"http://www.youtube.com/embed/NIuyDWzctgY"

And today one of his friends posted on Chip's facebook page..."Weird. Every time I hear Jimi Hendrix, I think of you."

I believe Chip is very happy where he is now..playing in the big band in the sky with Jimi, Stevie Ray Vaughn, John Bonham and all the others who went before him. He really is in heaven now. That gives me comfort.

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Grethchen I am glad that you had your Mom to hold you at the memorial site. I am glad taht you are planning such a lovely gathering. Gretchen thanks for the music, Talking Heads always one of my favorites, saw them in concert in Chicago, what a trip. Gretchen while you were away from here, did you catch that Rusted Root video I posted? That guy looks very much like Forest, that big wide smile, the laughter in his voice, the lovely song and the words to it make me cry. The group of young people dancing on the mesas and mountain roads? Send me away is the song. Tell me if you want me to post it again. It is how I picture our kids in Heaven. Oh and the oil wells on your land???Are they fracking your area? Be careful for the ground water and I sure hope that they are compensating you very well for the drilling. I know some folks are coming into a fortune after the companies come and drill.

Chips Mom, I will listen to the utube you sent in a moment, thanks for sending. SOmetimes we don't

cry when we go to the gravesite, and sometimes we cry uncontrollably, no telling sometimes when and what trips our tears. The cemetery often finds me crying, but less so now, this many years later, however that does not always hold true. Glad that Chips friends post to him.

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Lora - thanks for your response to my post, at the very least acknowleging(sp) it. I find that most

people on this site don't even do that much! I don't really feel a part of this group. I know that I

don't post as much as some and don't respond to each one individually like a lot of you do, but

I must say I've felt ignored for the most part here. I think you are all wonderful people and I try to

make that clear when I do post...how much I appreciate the care and compassion you all impart...

but it has become clear to me that there is a certain "circle" that I don't really feel a part of. So, for

now, it is time for me to take a break from this site and find another "circle" that may make me feel

more appreciated. I am feeling particularly "poopy" lately so that could be the reason I'm out of

the loop...self-inflicted if you will...but whatever! I pray for each of you that you find some peace

in your daily round. Bye for now.....shelly

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Mermaid Tears

to...Shellyku.....I am new here....my son died on August 3, 2012......how I was directed to this website is still strange to me...for i was looking up Beach rentals....anyway....I don't think there is a circle...but I do know there are many that have 'gone before me' in this journey....some are new...some have been on this journey for a time.....still.....I have never felt like I was left out....but if you have...maybe we or they....have not touched some spot with you.....but for me....I cannot relate to the 'loved ones around me'....they are too cut up.....I cannot touch the friends I have...for they have never lost a child.....here....I can reach out....can understand that what I am going through...others have, too.....one of those....'walk in my shoes' sort of thing.....I have never felt 'left out'....but have gleaned so much in reading what has gone before....and I find..that what I am going through....has been on that path .....do what you want...go where you go....but for me...I am here with you...and if you need me....I am here....for I have felt so foreign here in my sweet hometown....where all love me...and I love them....but....I am different in so many paths and ways....still the 'same'....somewhat....but....if you need anyone...or one....I am here...I put that out to you...for I felt so 'alone'.....in my grief.....and there was no mirror or arm....that I could relate to in my 'place'....but for here.....I have found a 'kindred soul' for me....yes...selfish...for me....thank God I have found 'ones' that understand.....as I said...I will be for you....don't want you to feel alone...for that is something that I felt....here for you....

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Shelly, my heart hurts thinking of you not feeling a part of things here. I feel badly, often when I write it is when I get home from work, can't access this site from work anymore, well I can read but not post from there, so I get home and try to post but don't always post directly to each person. Normally, I would post in the AM then again at lunch and maybe after school but still at school, now it is simply when I am at home. My posts have been reduced greatly due to this. I feel badly that you feel overlooked though, just this morning I read that you had a bracelet that was given to you and when you awoke it was under your pillow, knowing that you could not get it on and off while awake, you knew that your Girl helped it off to let you know that it is good now...the illness no longer a battle. Your story this morning touched my heart deeply, as have all of your posts. You have gone in and out of posting often and then not, like so many here, but I do not think that anyone has ignored your posts either. There are days that I post and I don't get a direct comment for those posts, that is just the energy of the day I think.

I am sorry that you are feeling more blue than you were, please don't leave.

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Shelly please don't leave even if you only read for awhile without writing. I don't post every day but do read every day and even when I am quiet this group is helpful to me. I think sometimes it feels like we are left out of the loop because we just feel so bad and the pain is so intense, and we are so lonely. But the folks here understand and care, and they understand where we are at. I know I have times that I cannot write be still need the support this group gives. Feel free to private message me anytime and I would love to chat with you.

I will have been in my new job a month on the 2nd. It is a really good job and I will tell you about it soon. Tonight, I took some meds to help me sleep and they are kicking in. Have a quiet peaceful nignt.

Thinking of you all,

Sandy

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Shelly please don't leave even if you only read for awhile without writing. I don't post every day but do read every day and even when I am quiet this group is helpful to me. I think sometimes it feels like we are left out of the loop because we just feel so bad and the pain is so intense, and we are so lonely. But the folks here understand and care, and they understand where we are at. I know I have times that I cannot write be still need the support this group gives. Feel free to private message me anytime and I would love to chat with you.

I will have been in my new job a month on the 2nd. It is a really good job and I will tell you about it soon. Tonight, I took some meds to help me sleep and they are kicking in. Have a quiet peaceful nignt.

Thinking of you all,

Sandy

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Up early morning to get ready for work...came on computer...reread my post from

last night and said to myself, "Shelly, you sounded like a whiny little brat"! I apologize

Indigos, that was uncalled for. I've been in a bad place for a while now. My dad died

October 17, and as if that weren't bad enough, my siblings are becoming people

I don't know anymore.

I thank you for the sweet responses and apologize for that rant! The people here

are precious and ones that I've come to rely on for company on this rocky road. You

help me whether you respond or not to me personally...like you said, just reading

is of huge benefit.

My younger daughter Jillian has been saying to me a lot lately, "Mom you take

everything so personally"........I think she's right! Love and prayers to all. Shelly

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I have to get ready for work, just got in from a walk with DIL, it is 60 degrees, how is that normal? NOT!

Shelly, so glad that you are rethinking leaving this place. No, you are not a whiner, you are sad and feeling alone, a state so many of us find ourselves at different points on this trajectory. Hang on and know that you are in everyone's prayers just as we are in yours. Sarah moves within you and is guiding you and sometimes that path is through the most barren landscape there is, but I do promise, there will be birds and flowers again, life will have sweetness again.

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Good Morning Everyone! I just wanted to say to Shelly that it can become very confusing trying to remember all names and situations on this site. I think the longer you are here you begin to find the names become overwhelming as there are so many that visit. Those who know me from before also know that I suffered a mild stroke several years ago and my memory and the ability to recall things at times is not the easiest. Often when I post I hope that I am not leaving anyone out and yet I frequently do. Certainly not intentional.

I think of you all each and every day. Sending love and warm thoughts. Please send that heat up to us. Today is the last of this brief warm spell. Tomorrow back into the frigid stuff from the Arctic. This is just nuts how it is going back and forth. Anyway, take care everyone. Off to the city.

Love,Kate

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Hello my friends

I went to my area Compassionate Friends meeting last night and it made me reaslize how far I have actually come on this grief journey.

I also felt like I could help people with the hope that you will not always feel this excrutialing pain like you do now.

It was nice to see alot of the long timers at this meeting and I hope I helped some of the newbies.

Love to you

Colleen, Brian's mother Forever

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Colleen, was this your first Compassionate Friends meeting? I have been thinking about going to the one in my area..but just haven't been able to have the get up and go to get there. I do have them on Facebook page and get info from them...In fact, I found this site from a post on their page.

Shelly, I am new here and the names of the members who post aren't in my memory banks yet..So most of my postings right now are of a general nature...mostly about my own pain and how I am trying to cope with it. Maybe that's selfish, but this journey is new to me and the road has been rocky.

Glad to see you have decided to stick around...and no, I don't think you came across like a whiny brat . We have all bad days when nothing seems to go right for us and we take it out on others...Just the nature of what we experience trying to get thru our grief.

Glad I live in Texas...weather here for the last few days has been nice..In the 70's during the day...Today we had a little rain and it is still cloudy...but very comfortable...however, the weather in Texas can take a turn for the worse at any time..February sometimes brings us a long stretch of days below freezing and icy roads.

Hope everyone here has a good day. Hugs to all of you.

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Mermaid Tears

Again...I don't think we 'solve' each other's unique problems....and I can only answer for me...but...since being 'here' I feel understood...calmed down....not so alone...a layer of comfort in that I am not the 'only one' that can reach a darkness...and need a word from someone..like coming up for air....and I can make another day...

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Again...I don't think we 'solve' each other's unique problems....and I can only answer for me...but...since being 'here' I feel understood...calmed down....not so alone...a layer of comfort in that I am not the 'only one' that can reach a darkness...and need a word from someone..like coming up for air....and I can make another day...

I know what you mean....Just reading what others post gives me hope and comfort...

...but I wish sometimes I had someone I could talk face to face with who understands...I am getting tired of 'helpful' people trying to get me to be a joiner and in so many words saying 'get over it'.

I don't how to tell them to leave me alone and that I'll get back into the swing of things when I am ready..and I am the only one who know when I am ready.

Even my husband sometimes acts like I should be back to my old self..He can compartmentalize and he has put Chip away in a file somewhere that only gets opened occasionally which usually is only when I mention Chip. To me that seems cold..but that's his way. I have heard that men bottle up and go on about their business while women are more open with their feelings. So I have come to accept his way of handling things.

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Mermaid Tears

I, too, feel that I am not ready to join any group now....but I do know that a lot of people have been helped by so many caring groups that just try to give a person a hand up and a hug and an ear to be heard....our 'children' were each unique and different....we the parents are the same....it is just that we are in the same 'boat' ....in this journey of grief....I will say this....I do believe it is a 'healthy' emotion to reach out....and see if someone can catch our hand....cause I was slipping way, way down....

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JD's Mom, Becky

This "sign" made it's appearance on my daughter's bedroom ceiling just a month or so after losing Jared. I have never before or since seen a rainbow appear on a ceiling! The other sign we get pretty often is the alarm on his window sounding off as if the window has been raised, but you go in the room and it is locked. We even replaced the whole window, and it still does it occasionally!

387781_294135253939215_907951821_n.jpg

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Beautiful rainbow!!!! We need to embrace these moments. It is all we have but, it is such a wonderful gift. It lets us know that there is so much more and we still have them. I long for her to stand on her tippy toes so she can feel an inch or 2 taller than me and give me a hug. I miss her finally telling me to be quiet at night because I tell her over and over goodnight in different ways. I miss taking her to her art classes and to volunteer at the library. I miss everything. But since I cannot have that, I cherish these special gifts that I receive and can truly say that is Emily. These are the best gifts ever that we can receive right now! Blessings

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HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY,...... FOREST.

Gretchen----I'm sorry to hear about the disruptive drilling activity on

your property. Maybe when they drill down, they will not find a good

deposit of oil/gas, and will have to close up and leave.

Lora-----The vets called to check on Misty....she will only have to be

on the expensive special food, meds, and probiotic for 30 days. After

that, I hope that I will be able to find a food she can tolerate, and one

that she will eat.....(you know how finicky cats can be about their food).

I agree.....kitties can bring one so much comfort with their companionship

and serene ways.....dogs too.

Shelly-----No need to apologize. I'm sorry to learn of your dear father's

passing in October. This grief on top of your grief for your dear daughter,

can be just overwhelming......I'm sorry. I hope to see you back on BI whenever

you feel up to posting and reading. Peace to you, friend.

Colleen-----I'm glad that you are at the point where you are able to help

the people who are newer on the grief journey at CF. I think that they will

be able to take something away from the meetings that will prove to be

positive and comforting to know that others have been able to progress,

in time, from those early excruciating and paralyzing days on the grief road.

Becky-----Lovely pic of the rainbow on the ceiling. I have never seen a

rainbow on a a celing either.....so lovely. Jared is surely sending signs that

he is near to you, and that the window is his way of getting close to everyone

in your household. Thanks for sharing.

Dee-----I so, agree.....these up and down weather patterns are certainly odd,

in ways. 50's and 60's for a couple days, then back to the 20's or lower. I

don't know what's going on. :mellow:

Dsmurph---

So glad that you are getting signs from your dear daughter, Emily.

You are right......they are signs to be cherished, and they are treasures that

belong to only you. Signs of love.

PEACE AND COMFORT TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

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forest's birthday is on the 30th. been trying to organize a laser tag game and sky lanterns with his friends for the weekend. friday, i went with my mom to the memorial as she hadn't seen it yet. i put up some really nice flowers. i showed her where i put a piece of bronze in the ground to mark the end of his coffin before the grass covers it over. i like to lay beside it and throw my arm over him. i said to my mom "i put it there because i don't want to lose him" i'm usually completely composed and when i said it i started sobbing so hard my mom had to support me because my knees were buckling. i said "i'm fine i'm fine" and within about 20-30 seconds i was back composed again but boy those seconds sure let her see what is really buried in my heart.

i am taking one or two days off on his birthday and to help my daughter who is getting divorced.

the oil company has decided to redrill in some old well sites that are on my property. i have 40 acres and they are drilling in two places---one right behind my house and one just catty corner. when i bought this land i was told that most of the oil was tapped out, the field is left from the 20's. now they have decided to go in all the old wells and drill deeper hoping to reach a second pool. when i moved here i didn't have a neighbor for miles now i have a few neighbors and booming, growling trucks and backhoes tearing up my property and my serenity, oilmen everywhere and soon to be towering derricks a stone's throw from my house. not what i need at this time in my life. bleeeaaah.

i'm sure i have missed a lot of b-day's and anniversaries. please know i think of you all often. i'm trying to compile a list because my addled brain has trouble keeping everyone straight, their name, child, age, cause of death, state they live in, hobbies, birthday and angel date. i want to be able to have everyone clearly pictured in my mind with out having to think just like any other friends. i guess it is harder because unfortunately we are always adding and dropping friends and have less to visually connect. anyway love to all.

it is 77 degrees here today crazy!!

we played this at forest's funeral:

watch the sky for me by powerman 5000

Watch the sky for me,

watch the night

I'll be there for you in starlight

as your feet touch the ground,

I'll be floating along

watch the sky for me tonight

just as every moment leads you to the past,

just as everything has gone

I'm the one you need to know that there is someone else

just as this is now goodbye

watch the sky for me,

watch the night

cause I'll be there for you in starlight

as your feet they touch the ground,

I'll be up floating along

watch the sky for me tonight

Happy Heavenly 30th Birthday Forest. Please send your mama kisses and hugs and wrap her in love tomorrow as she celebrates your life here on Earth. You were, and still are, very very loved by many.

Jilly's mom

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happy heavenly birthday Forest! dance, sing, and fly

free on this the day god blessed your mama with you!

twirl past her and scoop her up into the joy and peace

that is your spirit now!

Gretchen - I pray you have a peaceful day, remembering the joy your boy brought you.

So hard to square the joy with the loss...I hope the joy wins out! Thinking of you.......shelly

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FOREST

FOREST

FOREST

May this day bring you great joy as you celebrate with our Angels, the day you were born.

Know that this day brings your Family, especially your Mom, the greatest memories. Please add to this today with a gentle hug and signs that will fall in your Momma's arms like the gifts these are.

Gretchen, the date will always be Forest's Day. I am praying it is filled with beauty.

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Shelly, I like the way you put that, squaring heartache with joy.

How are you today?

I have 8 conferences today and work so I won't be on much.

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Mermaid Tears

This "sign" made it's appearance on my daughter's bedroom ceiling just a month or so after losing Jared. I have never before or since seen a rainbow appear on a ceiling! The other sign we get pretty often is the alarm on his window sounding off as if the window has been raised, but you go in the room and it is locked. We even replaced the whole window, and it still does it occasionally!

387781_294135253939215_907951821_n.jpg

Amazing Grace....isn't that stunning....and in it's simplicity....you don't even have to know Jared....to know where it came from...and who it was sent to....a treasure so precious....thanks for sharing....

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Mermaid Tears

I pray for Gretchen...and also a simple prayer that God...in all His Power....will allow your sweet son to touch you in a way....so personal...a cherished message that will fill you with joy...for your Faith be renewed with the promise that he is not 'gone'....just that he has 'gone' before you...blessings to you...we are all here for you and yours.

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JD's Mom, Becky

FOREST, FOREST, FOREST!! Happy Heavenly Birthday!!

Gretchen, thinking of you today, and praying that you will feel his spirit touch yours.

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Happy Birthday, Forrest. Rejoice as you listen to a band of angels sing "Happy Birthday" to you....and know that your mom is celebrating, too, as she sheds tears for you....every tear she sheds is saying "I love you". Oh, how your ears must be ringing today.

Love and peace to you, Gretchen.....know that Forrest is always with you...

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Happy Birthday Forest !

post-278995-0-10051200-1359568339_thumb.

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Gretchen...FOREST was a bright and glowing spirit! As you celebrate his life this coming weekend...may the deep love you held for each other give you immense comfort.

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Turning in, Indigos. Just thought I'd come on and wish everyone a peaceful night with

sweet dreams of their babies. May God rock you to sleep and hold you close while you

slumber. Dee, I'm doing okay but you my dear must be spent after 8 conferences in

one day! Rest well. Love to all! Shelly

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I am also going to bed soon, and yes Shelly, I am spent. Eight today, six yesterday, six tomorrow and one on Friday adn then 6 hours working at the carnival on Saturday to help raise money through the student council silent auction that I run, money going to help build a media center in Ghana, Africa. Saturday night, dinner 4 houses down the block, and a big glass of wine. Ahhhh, it has been a hard two weeks. Today the weather is in deep change, going down to 17 for tomorrow, winter again in the midwest.

Love to Everyone

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Surreal...just thought that if you are looking for any decent reading material that you may want to look into reading the books written by Don Starkel, a Canadian adventurer, who wrote a tale of his Journey to the Amazon. His attempt to journey to the Arctic unfortunately ended abruptly. It is an interesting and riveting story. Many people come from various places in the world to train for high Arctic outings in our area. We are situated on one of the largest lakes in the world. Yet we experience many of the high Arctic weather occurances.

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Becky, love the signs Jared has given you.

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Wow, it seems busy for you Dee! Stay healthy. I am having a hard time on this computer. It seems to have a mind of its own. Tonight all over the place. Can't seem to control it. It's like someone else is doing it for me. So, I am turning in for the night. Thinking of everyone. Take care... and have a good night.

Love, Kate

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Thank you all sooooo much!! i just got in from my daughter's. you cannot believe how happy it made me to see soo many birthday wishes for forest and me!!! you guys are incredible, completely made my day!!

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Dee-----I hope you get well-rested this weekend, after all the activity

that you are having this week. Make it a real laid-back easy-going

weekend ! :) . We had a whiteout of snowing today which lasted

about 40 min. and stopped. Winter's back.

Shelly----I do hope that things will improve with some of the family

that may not grasp, fully, the depth of your grief. It can be very

difficult, I know. When my baby Lisa died, years ago, a close family

member scolded me and told me that I could not allow myself to have

the luxury (???) of moping around, and that there were other kids

that needed me. That hurt a lot., and I still remember it. I pray that

the others, in time, will come to realize how deeply your loss of your

daughter has put you in a dark place. I found that after David died,

that I kept my exposure to a few particular people down to a minimum,

and still do keep to myself a good bit. I just stay out here in the

country and do my own thing. They've given up pestering me to be

more active with social affairs etc.

Kate----Being in Canada.....

your area is much more wintry than my location...., most of the time.

It must be great to look out your window, onto the 'winter wonderland',

and the lovely big lake, and also to see all the wildlife that venture into view.

I'm forgetting if you also have any housepets.....cats or dogs ?. I hope that

your husband is feeling better now.

Betsy----Love the pretty greeting card you posted for Forest. So inspiring. Thanks.

PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

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Just checking in. I would agree with everyone that has commented on the weather. It has been a very crazy time weather wise. Yesterday it was in the 50's and lots of rain and today high of 19 and woke to slick roads and black ice! Ugh!

I really do enjoy my job. I am working as manager of an Adult Day Center that is part of an organization that provides services to disabled children and adults. Our clients have suffered neurological or physical injuries that are all life changing. I utilize my management skills as well as my nursing skills and am honored to assist some awesome people who face each day with challenges. It is a very busy job, and I have a wide array of responsibilities. I know it may sound strange but the work is healing in a way I have yet to be able to put into words. I still think of Sarah all of the time and my office is filled with pictures of all of my family. Yet, I know she would be pleased with my job. The hours that I am at work I am able to focus on the job and enjoy it. Something I would never imagined 6 months ago. Still when I leave work the sadness seems to set in and the pain and missing her returns. I guess this just has to go in steps. The first anniversary of the day I lost a large part of my heart is fast approaching and I will admit I am not ready for it. One year! It cannot be possible. I am a changed person, not the person I used to be and I know I will never be that person again. I know each of you understand. I miss her so.

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