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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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tobyfreefoot

terry i haven't even read your whole post as i am on my way out the door but it is making me all teary. my son was a gamer too and a tournament organizer. when you wrote cod i knew it was call of duty. i have watched forest play so many games. my other kids play too but it was forest's life. i am posting the memorial his friend susan made which has inserts of mario super smash brothers melee which was his favorite. love to you. i will write later.

solidus was his gamer name. on his memorial we included princess peach and the piranha plants from mario and things from zelda, mega man, pokemon, super smash bros, the firefox from metal gear, music notes, computer binary code He had life figured out. He knew what he loved and he did it. He wasn't ambitious for money or fame. He cared less about clothes or possessions - except of course the best computer and other tech things! He was calm and didn't take offense easily. I know he wasn't a saint. But he was a good, kind person. We never had an argument or a fight with James. ---totally forest! they must be having a kick-a** time in the afterlife!!!

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Mermaid Tears

thanks to all that have posted and given me something to cling to....

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Sleep well to Everyone, hang on Susan and all the New Parents here right now, take one breath at a time and one moment at a time. One day there will be longer spaces of time in which to live.One day you won't hurt as acutely as you do now. Promise

Love the video Gretchen, I think you posted this a long time ago, loving it even more now that I know Forest more through his Adoring Mom.

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Hello everyone...I haven't posted in a bit, because I've been having a difficult time and surprisingly for me, finding it difficult to put it into words. As well, I feel as though I am not up to providing good input here right now, as my grief is just too overwhelming and almost dibilitating on some days...if you could see my house, you would know what I mean and know how my mind is traveling...in circles, without any specific destination, or at least if there is one, being unable to find or get to it.

I have been trying to winnow out my files on my PC, (mindless work that keeps me occupied and thoughts at bay, sometimes) and came across a post I made here on BI early on, that includes a quote from someone who used to be active here, Susannah. Susannah lost her beautiful daughter Stephanie, and had quite a time of it, with having to take in three grandchildren and begin the life of mothering young children over again, at a time when she and her husband were planning to "jump on their motorcycles and just ride." I may not have that quote exact, but that was the gist of their plans. Anyway, I did come across this post, and wanted to share it, especially for those new to this journey, as I found the quote from Susannah to be so definitive of what we need to know as we travel this journey.

I posted this in April of 2011, nearly two years ago, when healing from the loss of our son was truly, finally taking place, before my life was again turned upside down and inside out with the loss of my treasured husband this past August. Of course, the first "upside down-inside out" occurrence was the loss of our precious son, Mike, at the age of 31, in 2006, to brain cancer. That was the "end of my world as I knew it" event that brought me to BI in the first place. Seeking solace, seeking understanding, I somehow found my way here and have been here since, finding the "family" I needed to help me navigate the rivers of tears I was drowning in. I find myself "drowning" in that river of tears again, now that I am only half here, since my "better half" left this earthly plane. As I mentioned, this post does include a quote from Susannah, and I hope I can feel the same sense of motivation from it as before for much serious thought and motivation for a new sense of purpose in my life.

"Susannah wrote: "I kept living out of responsibility until I began living out of desire."

When my husband and I learned that our son Mike was going to die of brain cancer, both his dad and I wished we could take his place...it wasn't fair...we had lived our lives; he hadn't. He was just beginning a new chapter in his life...settling into his adulthood with a loving new wife, a beautiful new baby, a great new job...so, so unfair. After Mike died, despite my pain and tremendous sense of loss, I sometimes wished that I could want to die, but I couldn't seem to want to die...previously in my life I have never wanted to die...at one point of severe depression years earlier, I wanted to be at the bottom of a warm lake, in a far corner, hidden by grass and trees, alone for a while; but I didn't want to die. After Mike died, the eyes of my husband held such deep sadness. My daughter Cathi; her heart was broken without her baby "bro" around to banter with; to share the joys and challenges of parenthood with; to share their lives as adult siblings. My grandson Davis, lost and feeling alone without his Uncle who he grew up with in the same house and thought of as his big and only brother; Mike's older boys, babies really, at only 9 and 8, scared and hurting, afraid to cry and when they finally did, their little bodies shook and their tears formed little rivers on their faces as they sat next to me, sinking into each side of me, no longer able to hide from their pain. And when their tears finally ran out, they seemed to start breathing again, and smiling again; the fear that was in their eyes, fading over time. Mike's wife looked so lost and abandoned, so heartbroken as she laid her new husband to rest. Her eyes were sunken from sleepless nights in her now huge bed, crying and screaming into her pillow so neither her baby nor her neighbors would hear her. And Mike's baby, not even two...fresh in the world, blessedly not even aware of the loss he'd just experienced, as his innocence reminded us all of our responsibility to make sure that he grew up knowing who his daddy was. Who was going to be here for all of them? Before he left us, our son Mike told me "you can't die because I do, Mom." And I couldn't. The pain was there, excrutiatingly so; my heart broken forever. But, I guess I "kept living out of responsibility, until I began living out of desire." Thank you Susannah, for putting it into words for me...I lived it, I knew it, but I couldn't name it, until now."

Those of you who are so new to this journey, please know that there will come a day when you WILL start "living out of desire"...you will...truly. And your angel will spread the word to all of our angels..."Hey everyone, my mom/dad has made it...they have found joy again...just like I wanted." And this IS what they want. So, for now, "live out of responsibility," and eventually, you WILL live out of desire. You will.

As I said, I've posted this before, but the essence of it is such an inspiration to me...there is always a light, somewhere, no matter how dark it is...

Now that I've been plunged back into the deep, pain-filled darkness of grief at its height of newness over the loss of my husband of 48 years, I find this post significant to my state of mind. Some days find me drifting from one hour to the next, not motivated to doing anything besides just breathing, and accomplishing that only because it is automatic. Reading this post again, and Susannah's quote, has reminded me that eventually I will "live out of desire," and I cling to this thought right now, as I continue on a daily basis living "out of responsibility" and search for and hold close those glimmers of hope and threads of strength that I feel now and then despite my sorrow to show me that I will one day again, "live out of desire."

As Dee says, "Promise."

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JD's Mom, Becky

Loved the video, Gretchen! Wow, James and Forest and my Jared surely must be playing on the other side!! When James's mom described setting up various computers for the kids to play, that is exactly what I did, and we would have as much as five extra boys here almost every weekend for a couple of years, and they were then playing Runescape, then progressed to Call of Duty, Gears of War, and Assasin's Creed. I didn't let them spend endless hours on the computers though, as I would kick them outside to play basketball, or swim in the pool. Two weeks before Jared was killed, he had just commented to me that he missed those weekends, and we should do it again, get them all back together. I agreed, but we hadn't yet put that thought into action, but they were all together again, as those boys served as pall bearers at Jared's funeral service, and each got up and spoke of a favorite memory that they had of him.

Carol, bless your heart, even in your despair, you have managed to bring us words of hope! I miss Susannah being here, but thank you so much for bringing her meaningful words to light.

I know I am still living out of responsibility. My daily routines get me out of bed, and through the day, but sometimes, as you describe, I can get lost in looking at pictures or posts, etc., on my computer, and lose track of time. I try to reach out and push the buttons to keep things moving on my quest for change in laws, etc., and sometimes feel that is my purpose to keep breathing.

This next week I will turn over the reigns of presidency of our local PopWarner football and cheer program. I just felt as though I needed space and time, and to be away from so many reminders of Jared's involvement in that program, which brought my husband and I to be administrators to begin with. I will still manage their webpage, and may occasionally help out, but the day to day operations will be up to the new folks. The lady that will be taking my spot, has worked very closely with me this year, particularly after my neck surgery in June, and through not having use of my hand, so I feel confident that the program we have worked so hard to bring to new levels will be just fine without us.

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JD's Mom, Becky

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Just for you, Carol. Thanks for the inspiration!!

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Jamesmom, and Broni'smom----I'm so sorry for your loss. This is

a good site, and a lifeline to many...including myself. Please come back

to BI. Everyone here understands.

Leah----So glad to see your post. Also, that is such good news that your

daughter has made so much progress, and is now on the right track.

Sorry that you are still battling with the social worker regarding the

custody of your little grandson. Sending thoughts and prayers to you,

my BI friend.

Carol----I know what you mean about sometimes not being able to

find the right words to express your thoughts, here at BI. I am sending

prayers for you, as you grieve for Mike and for your dear husband, Ralph...

your two angels.

PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

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Carol, so good to see you today, and how nice that you remembered that lovely line from Susannah that serves as hope to your aching heart. I am glad that you know that in the beginning, it is like this, so dark and so tangled.

Becky, how lovely that you found a beautiful way of illustrating this for Carol, so pretty.

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I'm so glad I found this site! thank you for all the posts. I'm so sorry I don't know all the names yet, but thank you Carol for the reminder about living out of responsibility, but hopefully one day it will be out of desire.

That really explains how I've been feeling. Like I'm just carrying on out of a sense of duty. I don't want to hurt my husband, my mom, my daughter - but I don't really want to be here either. I want James to be here or I want to be with him. But nothing can fix that. So I wander around aimlessly at the moment, just breathing.

It was so good to read about Forest. And about Jared. For a long time I hesitated to tell people that James was a real gamer. I always thought they would think less of him - I even had thought it such a waste of time sometimes. But he loved it, it was his life and he was so good at it. And as I have played so many games now I realize what fun it is - and I also appreciate how smart you have to be. Anyway, it's the best way I have to stay 'connected' to James.

I hope we will all learn to live out of desire again. We all know in our heads that our children would want that for us. It's just getting the heart to feel it again.

I sometimes feel the hole in my life is too big, the wound too great. The wound doesn't heal. But I read somewhere that the best we can hope is that we don't let the wound become "infected". So, one step at a time - first, don't let the wound fester. Maybe later it will start to heal.

I wish we could all hug one another. I've always thought touch was very healing. I hugged my kids every opportunity I got! I always told them I loved them - I wish I had told them more often how proud I was of them. I think James knew, but I wish I had made that plain more often. But I have few regrets that way.

Love you James, and I'm really, really proud to be your mom.

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Terry, thank you for your words, James sounds like such a wonder, makes me smile to read of him.

It is nice to be able to share our angels with others who understand.. nice to share frustrations with others who do not judge.. nice to get mad with others who will get mad with us... nice to even share the tears with others who will cry with us and offer us a hand to go on through this struggle.

Dee, thanks... for all you have offered to me throughout the years :-)

Sherry, your right we do all understand and thank you

Becky, very nicely done... I love to look at pictures and words.

I still can't listen to music or see video.. dial up yet another year. Maybe this fall... they are only a few miles away with the cables.

This morning mom's youngest brother passed away. Its been really difficult for her... we were going to go up today to see him, I had heard yesterday afternoon his condition was getting worse. I feel bad, we should have gone yesterday.. I was going to go today... with the new of the day I didn't want to be in the night air. Now I guess we just head up for the funeral.. I feel bad I didn't get mom there in time. We were going to do it around Christmas, but that was when my daughter came home and I had to help her with meetings and getting settled. I wont' kick myself.. but I feel bad

Time to get things done.. kids are running wild... always when I get to do something.. :-)

Bless all of you!

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BECKY, I don't have much time right now, but I did want to come on and tell you that I truly appreciate the really beautiful way you put the words from Susannah. You do very beautiful work, and I especially want to thank you for the "heart shaped' sun that you put in there. Hearts are a true connection between me and my husband and son. I find them often, sometimes in truly weird places, but usually in tandem with something being said about one or the other of them. The other day, I was out walking, and I was talking to myself out loud. I said that I wondered now how was I going to know "who" the heart was from when it is a single heart (I do see hearts within hearts now, as well), or being sent in the name of, and then I said "Well, I guess I must rely on my faith that they are both together now, and figure that they are from both of them." The next step I took brought me to this site on the ground (I will post a picture). so, hearts mean SO much and I truly love your picture. I would like to send it to Susannah if that is all right with you. Or, maybe I could also post it on facebook if that is all right? Again, thank you SO much. I am glad you are finally able to step down from the PopWarner work...I know it meant a lot to you but I agree that it is time to let someone else take the reins. You are awesome in your committment to them.

LEAH: I am so sorry about your mom's brother's passing, and I am glad that you are not going to "beat yourself up" about not having gone before to see him. You have SO much on your plate, dear, and I will keep you and your family in my prayers. I love what you said "It is nice to be able to share our angels with others who understand.. nice to share frustrations with others who do not judge.. nice to get mad with others who will get mad with us... nice to even share the tears with others who will cry with us and offer us a hand to go on through this struggle" and of course, I agree, 100%.

TERRY, GRETCHEN, AND BECKY; I too believe that your awesome boys, James, Forest, and Jared, are together, playing up a storm...may of us have said here before that we believe all of our angels are together, and that they somehow brought us all together here.

SHERRY: THank you for your prayers. I like reading about your dream of Lisa and glad that it brought you comfort.

DEE: I have begun walking every day. Don't remember if I told you all here or not (will have to look back at my posts) but I have a new puppy. She gets me out, and I do enjoy it. I think of your posts of your walks, and I try to look around and SEE what is about me...right now, what is there is almost 20 inches of snow, but I love it and where we live there is not much traffic, so it stays clean for a pretty long time...well except for at the end of the house, where Miss Lucy Lu is bringing quite a "yellow" tone to much of it out there It did snow a bit last night, so most of that is covered up! :rolleyes:

LORA: I hope you are doing okay. Glad that you are getting some rest, now that the holiday rush and extra hours at your part time job are over.

To all; you are in my thoughts and prayers always.

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LORA: We posted at the same time. I am glad ot hear that you have found some peace, and pray that you continue healing. Your beautiful Cara is with you, as you know, and I wish you comfort, also.

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JD's Mom, Becky

Carol, you are more than welcome to send the picture to Susannah, and post it wherever you wish!! I hope she will like it, and I am sure glad that you did. You know, I remember now that you have talked about finding hearts, and what they meant to you. When I was choosing the background for Susannah's quote, I looked at several and kept coming back to the one with the sun heart. Now I know why that one stood out for me!

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Carol, I love the two hearts, I love that the two hearts were placed in your path for the express purpose of your knowing that the boys are together and that they are listening, they are with you. No, I do not recall reading that you now have a puppy. How lovely, she is sure to show you the neighborhood in a whole new way. Are the boys enamored by her? Does she sleep with you? Ah, puppy time, how really sweet for you both. She is a lucky-pup. Enjoy the walks Carol and the snow.

Leah, I too am sorry about your uncle, your Momma's brother. I am glad that you are not going to guilt yourself on this. You made choices that involved taking care of those right there in front of you, it is good that you made the decisions you did with favorable outcomes too. Please take care of you as you mentioned not being in the night air. WE do sometimes forget the stresses we have that can beat up our immune systems, so take a bit of time to do a little preventative care if you can.

Brenda, are you okay? Let us know. Prayers.

Kate, same to you. Let us know.

Lora, have fun with your new tablet. I don't have one but everyone I know with one is enjoying it.

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Hi Dee and everyone, I have to say it has been a rough week, first off I wanted to let you all know Ryleigh finally went home Friday evening thank goodness they found she had a UTI along with RSV so she was one sick little girl. but I am so glad she is doing better she is such a blessing right now.

My other issue I have been battling with right now is our boxer Bailey, I got her from a rescue in December 2011 and then I lost Brian in March well in the year we have had her we found out she barks at everything, chews up shoes and other things , digs tunnels when she is left out more then 5 minutes.. I feel she is just too much for me right now but my husband and Kaleb don't want me to give her up. since Brian died for some reason her barking goes right through me, I know it's more me then her but I just don't know what to do? I have an appointment to take her to the humane society tomorrow ,my sisters % mom feel that I should take her but Mike and Kaleb want to keep her. I am so torn on what to do.I just don't have it in me to work with her now,but i am worried how Kaleb will feel when I do it. why does everything in my life have to be so difficult ? losing Brian, Brett not in my life I just wish there was a hole to just crawl in and cover myself up .. sorry just really a bad night . Thanks Dee for asking about me. I just happen to read that one ,lately I have not even been able to read all the post .. Thinking of all of you .

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Brenda, not that you need more to think about, but would it be possible for Kaleb and husband to be in charge of taking the dog to obedience training classes and in charge of giving her walks each day? Some dogs can be trained with some simple commands and using behavior mod kinds of rewards. I had a collie,she was Eri's collie when Erz was little, who also barked at everything, barked at leaves as they fell from the trees, autumn was noisy as you can imagine. Some dogs are hyper, and some are just destined to be taken back to the pound. I sure hope whatever you decide, that everyone will go easy on you.

As far as it being more you than the dog, could be, but you need some help in this area, you need others to pick up the responsibility for the dog. I sure do respond to noise in a much more negative way than before Eri died, plus, as we get older, sound and over stimulation have more negative affects on us.

I am so glad that Ryleigh is doing better, she really has been through some hard times, it is time for her to just thrive now, thrive and delight in life. Prayers for her to do just that.

Be well Brenda, you have had a rough time of things and facing what has to change in the house is not easy, but it is a good step.

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DEE: Last June, Mike and I had discussed getting a small dog. It was something he had long wanted, and we finally decided to go ahead with it. The reason we hadn't gotten one before was me...I am not particularly a "dog fancier" and I have serious issues with allergies. However, we learned that there are breeds that are easier to deal with than others regarding allergies. When hubby went into the hospital last June, supposedly for only a few days to monitor his blood pressure, after he got transferred to the rehab center in preparation for his coming home, we talked about the puppy idea and decided to go ahead with it. We already knew of course, that Mike had pancreatic cancer, but the doctor, in May, had told us Mike likely had a "good year, and possibly two" following his surgery. But then it turned out that he remained in the hospital then rehab center, then to another hospital for a total of 59 days, came home on the 60th, and died that night. It was a wonderful gift that he got to come home to die, as that is what he wanted more than anything...to not die in the hospital, and we are truly thankful for that gift. Thinking of how it played out has gotten me through many a heartbreaking day. Lately I had started thinking about the dog again. Cathi found one in an ad for a rehoming need, and sent me the picture. She knew what kind I wanted and this was not only right on the mark, but the picture showed the puppy playing with a hackey sack, and the hackey sack was in the Rastafarian colors...young Mike's passion for all things Bob Marley shinging through! Over the course of the 5 weeks or so since I first talked to the owner, it was one thing and another that prevented us from meeting with her and the dog. The owner goes to school full time and works, as well as having a 1 year old and a husband who is a Marine and in the process of being deployed to Afghanistan. She just didn't have the time needed to care for this puppy and needed to "rehome" her . The puppy is a six month old (as of today) shi-tzu and really adorable. Well, needless to say, I have been having guilt issues that I finally got the dog, AFTER Mike died, when he really, really wanted one for the past two years. However, I just felt that he is pleased that I did, because she really has begun to help me on this new grief/healing journey. Just as Mike and I saw many signs from young Mike, after he died, I have seen signs from Mike as well as young Mike. And, not surprisingly and yet surprisingly, I can't tell you the number and variety of things I've/we've seen that have been in "twos." Just like with young Mike, the most prevelant are hearts...and we've seen them so often. Teh first weekend after hubby died, the girls and I went to the beach and on our way back up from the water, we saw footprints in front of us from someone who had walked in sneakers. The 'tred" design on the bottom of the shoe had a heart within a heart, "two" hearts. On that same day, we saw two new blooms on a bush in the front yard that had already begun its descent into hibernation and was dressed out in its autumn colors, yet here are TWO new, bright white blooms, side by side on the bush, just like it was a day in June! On my walks with the puppy, I see many hearts and sometimes will take a few pictures. I wanted to share some of them and created this "Imikimi" of them. I truly believe in signs, as you all know. And, of course, I already told you earlier about the "double heart" sighting yesterday, after I had talked out loud about how I need to believe that Mike and our son, Mike are together. And that they are BOTH approving of our new family member. (I also couldn't remember if I had posted a picture of our Christmas tree...so I am posting a pic of it, as it turned out truly beautiful, and I do believe it was the light from two angels that lit it up so brilliantly. The close up pic of the tree is of a day when the lights on the tree were not plugged in yet, but the lamp was on in the living room and was shining through the branches, reflecting onto the window. The heart that you see in the reflection on the window is located just to the right of the bread dough angel and teddy bear hanging on the tree...the ones that hubby made in 1982.) (I apologize if I've posted the tree pics before.)

I hope you all have a good week ahead. I know that sometimes that is just not possible, but if we can try hard to take just one hour at a time when things go crazy, sometimes a little sweet memory will filter in through the sorrow and cause our heart to smile, even if only for a minute or two.

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Brenda...I love Dee's advice about the dog...It seems that it is just too much, but if they are willing to accept the responsibility for it, then perhaps it could work out. I too am glad that Ryleigh is doing better. I pray that you are able to focus on YOU for a bit.

Becky...yes, I am glad you kept coming back to that "sun heart," and yet again, they shine for us.

love to all...

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It sounds like everybody got through the holidays.. This is always a good thing, as they can and sometimes do bring about such feelings of sadness~ Carol, I am so happy to see that you have your furry little friend to keep you company these days~ They sure have a way of helping, don't they? I am sending love to all and know that I carry a piece of each of you in my heart, always...

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darlenestark

This is the last of the "a year ago today's" - a year ago today was my Ali's funeral...

These 375 days have taught me more than I ever, ever wanted to know - but I am a better person today, because of Ali...

This morning the moon was a glowing smile among the stars, the sunrise was spectacular, and the eagle soared low over the open waters across the lake...

Ali...

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tobyfreefoot

darlene-i always remember your son passed away but that he saved the life of your granddaughter. i hope she gives you hope and you can see your son's spirit peering through.

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I was reading these posts (alternately crying and smiling, sometimes both together!) and when I read about the birthday of one child - a very, very hard day to face alone - I thought I would share this poem that James' best friend wrote for us on the first birthday after he died. I know it is true for all of our children, and, although it makes me cry always, I recognize the truth in the words:

When the loss is too much to bear,

When it hurts too much for words.

Be grateful you had something to lose.

Be grateful for the memories,

For the inside jokes you shared.

Be grateful that you had

someone in your life worth missing.

Be grateful for the parts of yourself that they put there,

Those closest to us often have the most to teach us.

Hold the lessons close and that person will be with you forever.

The greater the pain, the greater the loss.

The greater the loss, the greater the person.

So the more you hurt, the more you can at the same time rejoice.

You had someone worth loving, and you did.

Happy Bithday James

On his birthday I always try to celebrate his life, how much he gave us, how special he was. It still hurts but it reminds me why it hurts.

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Ali, I hope that you are gazing at your Momma with the moonlight at your back, sweeping into your Mom's dreams and letting her visit with you for a time.A whole year went past without your being on this plane sweet Ali, but you have been busy haven't you? I get the sense that you are a busy Angel, watching over your Daughter and your Mom, and all your friends and family, guiding folks as best you can. I know that you are rooting for your Mom to find ways to enter and end each day knowing that she is loved completely, letting that tuck her in each night.

Ali, dance with my Girl, sing with the Angels that have gathered us here.

Darlene, somehow we find a way to mark time in a new way. Somehow and after some years are traveled in these new shoes. I am holding you close, knowing the ache in these numbers.

I do love the smile of the moon, and yes, it was a very bright smile this morning when I ventured out. So pretty, like your Boy.

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Terry, James' best friend wrote a beautiful poem, so much love for his Dear Friend. That love and those memories will help him feel some solace in his life, that he had this friendship with this wonderful Boy/Man is the beauty, and certainly the equal and opposite reaction when we lose that someone special. Laws of nature.

Carol, I know that Mike Senior is smiling like crazy with the new pup in the house. I kind of get the feeling that his whole idea of having a dog was so that you would have a companion once he had to leave. He knew he was leaving, though he thought that there was a bit more time, we all hoped that there was, so he set that into a plan knowing that if you had this little creature to nurture, to take care of, to love, you would be okay, sad, hurting, but okay. I think that that wonderful man of yours was simply being who he always was, a man deeply in love with you, wanting to provide you unconditional love even when he was gone. Someone to cuddle when the nights are too long. No guilt Sweet Carol, that is certainly not what he had in mind, he had/has cuddling and love on his mind and in his heart. What a big heart!

By the way, the double hearts in the snow...amazing. The heart on the window is gorgeous and clearly a heart for you.

I am finally able to post today, after going back to school today, two weeks off and back in the swing after about two minutes. Kids are like that, it is immediate.

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I am new to this site. I lost me sweet boy 3 years ago in November. He was 22 years old. Just made it through the holidays but really don't enjoy them and more. My birthday is next and that is always hard for me.

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JD's Mom, Becky

KC's Mom, we welcome you here, where all of us understand the pain and the loss. Please tell us more about your son, when you can. My birthday is coming up soon too, and this is the beginning of the 2nd year without my 15 year old son, Jared, lost to us on October 3rd, 2011 when hit by an SUV from behind while skateboarding only a 1/4 mile from our driveway. This place has been a soft place to fall for many of us, who share our daily struggles in our walk of grief. I am so sorry you have to be here, but glad that you found us.

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Darlene, thinking of you and your sweet son, Ali, as you pass this sad milestone...know that we surround you with love and strength. Ali, please brush your mom's cheek with your sweet spirit and let her know that you continue to be with them, as always. DEE: Thank you for your kind words about Lulu...deep in my heart, I know what you are saying is right, but some days It thaunts me somewhat. It seems to be receding to the background a little more every day. I know that it is very unusual that I have "bonded" with this puppy already...talking to her like a child (No, I don't refer to myself as "mama"...that's just not my thing...lol. ) But I do pick her up and cuddle her and talk to her, especially talk to her when we are outside. So, I think we will grow on each other...and I do believe in my heart that he is approving. When the grandkids found out about her, they all said "YOU got a DOG?!" disbelieving what they are hearing. :-) they know me well. I will never put a "tutu" on her, but she is cute and we are getting to know each other. Damon met her last week, and he is in love! KC'S MOM: I am so very sorry for your loss...I am sorry that you had a reason to seek such a site as this, but I am glad that you have found it...you will find much comfort and understanding here.

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TERRY: What a beautiful tribute to your son, his friend writing such a wonderful poem in tribute to your son. I know it struck a chord with me and I am sure with all of us here. Would you mind if I shared it with some friends who have lost their spouse? The words are so fitting for anyone who has lost someone they loved so very very much. What an awesome guy your son must be!

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KC's Mom, I am off to bed, very tired but I will talk more tomorrow. PLease come on back and talk with us, let us know about your sweet Son when you can. Yes, the holidays change along with everything, but at 9.5 years, I can tell you honestly, that life will be softer one day. I am glad you found the place that we think of as our second home. Hang in there and come back.

Carol, I am going to picture you walking Lulu and Trud with Muttley. Give Lulu a hug from me.

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Good Morning Friends - Have today off so I can read without the pressure of having

to get in the shower! I love that feeling...to just take one's time instead of the rush.

Carol - love that you got a dog...and such a cutie at that! I have had dogs most of my

life, and although they come with a lot of demands, they can be balm to one's heart.

That you talk to Lulu is a comfort in itself, isn't it? I have two golden retrievers, Bo and

Bailey. They are brother and sister and will be 6 in March. Bo, the boy, is the light cream

color and Bailey, the girl, is a true golden color. They are our children that never left

the house...no college, no weddings, no staying out late...good kids! Enjoy your Lulu,

she will bring you gobs of joy!

Trudi - I saw your post a little while ago that you have a new grandbaby. How wonderful!

I pray your husband and your son find the strength they need to heal and that you have

peace in the process. Our younger daughter had a baby girl who will be 9 months old on

the 13th. She is a beacon of light and joy for Bill and I that has taken some of the pain of

losing Sarah and turned it into joy. So happy for your bundle Trudi!

Darlene - Prayers to you at this 1 year mark in time. You have such a way of looking at

your Ali as being present in your life and that is a blessing. May he be so always!

Terry - what a beautiful poem James' friend wrote! I too would like to share it with some

friends who've lost their child. The words get right to the matter, don't they? Prayers to you.

KC's Mom - My heartfelt condolences on the loss of your son. As others have said, this is

a place you will find people that understand, where you can talk about your loss and be heard.

Becky - you do the most beautiful things with your computer. I am in awe cuz I can log on,

type, and log off....that's it! Hope you're neck and arm are improving as well as your heart.

I've taken enough of your time but have some things I'd like to come back and get some

opinions on...just life stuff but I value each and every one of you and consider you my virtual

friends! I pray for peace for all Indigos this day. Shelly

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To anyone who wants to quote the poem, please do. Roy told me I could share it with anyone I wanted to so please do share it. I think it speaks to a lot of people about someone they have lost.

I'm still getting all the names confused! But whoever just got a dog - I'm sure you will love having her (him?) around. I have 2 little dogs - one is James' dog. I remember so well when we brought her home. James loved her right away. It breaks my heart when I look into her sweet little face sometimes but many times I think the dogs have saved my sanity.

KCsmom. I'm in your shoes. We lost James 3 years ago October. It still hurts tremendously. And yes, one of the times it hurts the most is on my birthday which will be soon. I just barely make it through the holidays. I don't decorate. I shop on line. I don't go to parties. I have no intention of adding to the agony by watching "happy families" celebrate. I hope I don't sound too bitter. It's just that I know, even if I manage to cope well enough during a party, afterwards I'll be devastated and lost and alone for days afterwards. I can't keep going through that. If we make it through the 'ordinary' days it is all we can do but special occasions are hard to get through. I always think of it as one more door closing. As time moves forward (I'm not sure I'm moving with it yet!) we don't notice it too much - until we come to a birthday or Easter or THE anniversary - then it hits us, like running into a brick wall. That's another year that James will never know............ I'm not sure what you feel when you read that 9 years or 10 years or 20 years down the road it will be easier. Maybe it's true, but right now all I can think is "how can I live another 10 years without James?" It seems impossible that I should , that I will have to.

And yet I'm continually amazed at the courage, the generosity of spirit of all these strangers who truly only want to help each other.

Tell us about your son when you can talk about him. Take all the time you need. I think we all understand the need to keep our children alive to us, and to everyone else. Sometimes I get scared that it may all start to seem like a dream. At the moment it is so unreal that he is gone. Will it ever be that it seems unreal that he was here. I hope not, with all my heart. But it is so hard to hold onto the tangible, real things.

When things get really bad I retreat into a video game. It's my distraction of choice so I'm going to do that now. Everyone - thank you.

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Mermaid Tears

I have to ditto your feelings about "sorta dropping out"....I have a 2 1/2 hour time frame to be out and about...and then...I just have to leave...come home...get away....I cannot stop everything...I have these talented grandchildren..(I have 14..but 4 live here in Brenham)...and they just wouldn't understand Nonnie not being at the play..football game...volley ball game..soccer..what ever they are doing....and like my daughter told me...pleaded really...Mom...we are still living..we still need you...please don't change.....and of course, she is right....and all the siblings are dealing with losing John David..and I just can't make it sadder....so...I do trudge on...and I do find when I "make myself" just get up and do....it is good for me...for I could "sit and think...and think and sit" all day....just trying to figure out the whole mystery of it all....and lick my grieving wounds...for I do feel as if I have wounds that are not healing. I have discovered another layer....and it isn't like anger...but like an irritant....like when you wear new shoes and they make you uncomfortable and you are irritated...like it is right under my skin....I am and have been such a positive upbeat person all my life....I will always figure out "some way" to make things work....maybe my irritation comes from not being able to make things work....I have read all the posts....and Dee...I am on the same page as you about the thoughts about the dog..Lulu....I do believe "she" was sent to be with her....and her angels in heaven made it all work out.....thanks for the poem and letting us share it....touched me deeply.....Becky...you have raised our spirits with your creative work and your on going work to right a wrong....each of you are simply like a warm quilt on a cold day.....each of you reach out with your own personality and spirit...your own voice....and your own way of handling your sorrow...and sharing it with others gives us a direction and a door to sanity....that what we feel....is understood....I am beginning to know for sure that many around me just don't know how to approach me....I am a very visible social person in this town....and they just don't know how to communicate with my new label..."Mom who lost her son"....and it certainly is a new path for me, also. I also have this feeling of being "overwhelmed"....which is new to me.....I guess it is just all the different and new emotions that have come to live in "myself"....and we all have to get to know each other....and make friends ....blessings to each of you...

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Hi Gang,

while i wanted to reply to all that has been written, for some reason I do not have the ability on my school computer anymore. It is an old beast but prior to winter break I was able to communicate with you all. So it seems I will only be able to post from home unless that changes somehow.

I hope Everyone had a decent day. Four kids were absent that were in school yesterday, not a good thing as that means that they came to school and shared germs and came down with fevers today. I will likely see a large number of illness this week.

Shelly, glad that you had the day off, time to just be.

Susan, I think that having some obligations to be with the grandies or to tend to other children in some ways helps the process of grief. We often don't want to extend ourselves beyond the pain we already have but doing so allows us some 'distraction' it let's us be needed in a way that staying home and grieving cannot give. We need time to grieve, but we also need time to see how we do in other situations. Sometimes we have no choice, we have jobs to do even while grieving, so we try it. Some folks change their career after this grief, some of us go back to a job we loved and find we still love it. It is very individual. As far as irritated, that is a very good word for the way many of us feel each day for a long time, something under the skin...our nervous systems take a huge beating in grief, we are changed by this, once patient may become way less patient...noise may really affect some more than ever before. We change, but we find out who we are after such a loss, and most of us realize after a time, that we want to be someone that our Dear Angel is proud of. We try to stand where they no longer can and live our best life for them. We weep when we need to weep, no schedule for that, and we let the laughter out of us when we finally feel it building again. I imagine our Angels must surely love when we laugh again. Yes, many feel guilt when they laugh again, but really, that laughter is music to our Babies. One day you will all laugh again, you will all find ways to follow your hopes.

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KCsmom----I am sorry for your loss of your dear son. This site is

a good site, and everyone here understands the pain & sorrow that comes

with losing a beloved child. Please come back to BI, and read/post

when you can.

Dee----Back in the 'swing of things' at school, huh? Yep, the kids

were probably glad to be back also. My daughter, Becky, said that

my two grandie boys...ages 6 and 8 were glad to go back. She said

that after all the excitement of the holidays, toys, games, etc. they

got a little bored, and began bickering and picking at each other, :huh:

so she, too, was glad when the school bus rolled around to pick

them up. They went back a week before she has to go back to college

classes, so she gets a nice rest.

Mamabets----Good to see your post, my friend.

Carol----Thanks for posting the pic of your cute little pup, LuLu. She's

very adorable, and as others have said.......Ralph and Mike must be up

there cheering that you got this little pet to help you in your grief. Pets

are a big help, I think. My cat is so devilish sometimes.....makes me

crazy, but she's as lovable as can be. Hope that ,in time , she will settle

down a bit and get some sense in her little head. Who knows when that

could happen, though ?

Alismom-----Sending thoughts & prayers.

Terry-----

Thanks for posting that nice poem that your son's best friend

wrote for him. They must have been very close.

Brenda-----Glad to hear that little Ryleigh is doing better now.

PEACE AND COMFORT TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

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Thank you to all of you for the warm welcome. I too started back to school yesterday but I will tell y'all KC's story,and mine too. But probably not till this weekend. I do feel like this is a place of understanding and I look forward to getting to know you all. It's a cold and raining night here in Texas and I am home under a quilt nice and warm!

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Terry - what a beautiful poem that was written for you....I hope you don't mind that I copied it and will put it in my journal....I have many posts from here that I have saved into my journal....It is heart warming to look back on them and remember....

I am feeling the need to be here tonite, it comes and goes with me.....I remember when I first came here I could not stop, seems as though I was here nite and day just needing everyone to remind me that I was not alone, that I would someday be able to smile again, although it took me a very long time to actually believe it....I never would have come as far as I have if I had not had all of you walking with me, holding on to me, grieving with me and easing my suffering as you did... As always when the Holidays are over I start on the downhill road to February....my beautiful Jessica will be gone from us 7 years - I can hardly say that - "7 years" !! How is that possible?? When I was in my bedroom tonite putting away some laundry I looked up and there she was, her picture staring back at me and I lost control, sat on the bed and had a meltdown, the breathing erratic and the heart breaking all over again.... I still ask WHY knowing I will never receive an answer that would satisfy me...there is no reason any of us lost our child.....I will face February with my hubby and Tavian by my side...we will hold onto each other and remember all of the beautiful memories..

Tavian is doing well, in the 5th grade and will be 11 on February 11th....seems as though he was just a baby and Jess was bringing him home....I know she is so very proud of him. It is hard to watch him grow so fast, I want to keep him this age so I can keep him home with me, safe from this world however crazy that sounds... I worry too much but how can I not...

My son is doing very well, he is over a year clean - which I celebrate each day that passes and sees him remain on the good path. I adore his girlfriend and my new grandchild Joshia who will be one year old on the 27th !! We talk every week and we have spent much time getting rid of old, bad memories and making new ones. We speak of Jessica often as he talked of many regrets he has from his "drug" days....I told him his sister loved him always, she may not have liked what he did but she always loved him...It has been good for both of us to talk about so many things. Please keep him in your prayers....

I am going to post a picture of myself that Tavian took tonite...I do not photograph well but I am not vain so it is ok LOL.... The thing is that Tavian took this picture a little while after my meltdown - when I downloaded it I smiled as there was the best ORB next to me....I believe, I believe.... Take care my friends...Peace, love and strength, Kathy

post-271859-0-39068200-1357695244_thumb.

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Hi, I wanted to pop in and say Hi, and to tell you all I decided to keep Bailey, I know it is more me then Bailey and I can't take her away from Kaleb. I kept hearing Brian tell me to not do it ,he fell in love with her when he met her and told me "Mom if you ever want to get rid of her I want her" he had the kindest heart when it came to animals and children . oh how I miss him, well his lil girl Jaci is sick she has an ear infection and pneumonia,Traci is finally getting rid of most of the cats she was up to 7 yep and I have to say you, would not know it when you walked into her home, but I think Jaci's respiratory problems come from being allergic to the cats she is still keeping the 2 older ones . she said she was trying to fill the hole Brian left, I know nothing will ever fill the huge hole left in my heart.

Kathy, your a beautiful lady and I see the aura I too believe they are here when we need them.

Carol your puppy is so sweet.

Sherry thanks for the comment on Ryleigh she seems to be doing good.

Dee Thanks so much for always reaching out to me

and welcome to all the new moms and dads I have not had the chance to welcome and tell you how sorry you have to be here but so glad you found us here . Right now I am having a hard time with posting and some days even reading but I try ..I hope it will get easier to do it is not you all and I know you know that , I feel like I am on the really bad roller coaster ride. Take Care Love Brenda

has anyone heard from Kate?

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JD's Mom, Becky

I had this whole post written and lost it! Wow....will try again later!

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Allysons mom

Hi. I have not posted since right after I joined this site. I have read your posts nearly every day. There are posts that I could've written myself and they help so much to know I am normal. There are other posts from those who are 3 plus years since losing their beloved "babies" who still feel like My husband and i do and it's only been just over 6 months. I can't imagine feeling like this for that long. The quote "I'm living out of responsibility until I can live for desire" rings so true. (I may not have said it correctly) I only care about my husband and son. I feel like I don't care about my mom, sister, brother or anyone else and I don't know if that's normal.

There is so much I want to tell but can't seem to get it out, except in my head. You probably don't remember or are new but my daughter Allyson, the love of my (and my husband Glens)

life and my 22 year old Mimi me, but better, died in her sleep on July 5, 2012. She was hanging out with friends the night before and was fine when she went home. She had graduated from university of South Carolina in may, got a job and moved to N.Carolina in June. There's a lot I'd like to tell about Allyson but not now. I can say she was loving her life. She had tweeted "I love my life" days before and we saw it on her twitter. (I had thought her friends had told us that to make us feel better). autopsy showed nothing and After 3 1/2 months for toxicology tests and 4 months for tissue sample tests, we were told nothing showed up there either and there is no known cause. (She didn't take drugs, so we knew it wasn't that). They assumed it was a freak cardiac arrhythmia. It's been just over 6 months. It seems like yesterday, yet the days go by so slow sometimes that I can't believe it's been 6 months. I'm not sure how we made it this far except that we find diversions. Traveling, which we used to look forward to with such happiness and anticipation.

This is really long, I know, but I need to keep going.

November and December were very difficult. We spent the whole month of November in Amelia island, at the beach. A place we had many, many happy family trips. We have a 26 year old son also. I am an obsessive shell and sharks tooth hunter so I would disappear for hours and they all would make fun of me.

We went because my birthday is nov 2, thanksgiving, which we did not celebrate in any way. Allyson's birthday 23, on the 23rd. (Al was born on thanksgiving day). The s. Carolina/Clemson game on 25. (You have to know Allyson and her brother Brian to understand the significance of that. She is a rabid gamecock fan) and our anniversary on 28th.

December was equally hard for the obvious reasons, plus glens birthday on Xmas eve. I'll stop here for now.

I tried to post a picture but it was too big. Allyson friends made a slide show that is on utube. I don't know if

U want to see it. They only had a few high school and mostly college pics because we just couldn't help them. It's a little too long but if your interested type "Allyson walker-forever to thee" (it doesn't work on my ipad.)

Thank you for reading. I am so sorry for the loss of all of your children.

Sheryl

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Allysons mom

Hi. I have not posted since right after I joined this site. I have read your posts nearly every day. There are posts that I could've written myself and they help so much to know I am normal. There are other posts from those who are 3 plus years since losing their beloved "babies" who still feel like My husband and i do and it's only been just over 6 months. I can't imagine feeling like this for that long. The quote "I'm living out of responsibility until I can live for desire" rings so true. (I may not have said it correctly) I only care about my husband and son. I feel like I don't care about my mom, sister, brother or anyone else and I don't know if that's normal.

There is so much I want to tell but can't seem to get it out, except in my head. You probably don't remember or are new but my daughter Allyson, the love of my (and my husband Glens)

life and my 22 year old Mimi me, but better, died in her sleep on July 5, 2012. She was hanging out with friends the night before and was fine when she went home. She had graduated from university of South Carolina in may, got a job and moved to N.Carolina in June. There's a lot I'd like to tell about Allyson but not now. I can say she was loving her life. She had tweeted "I love my life" days before and we saw it on her twitter. (I had thought her friends had told us that to make us feel better). autopsy showed nothing and After 3 1/2 months for toxicology tests and 4 months for tissue sample tests, we were told nothing showed up there either and there is no known cause. (She didn't take drugs, so we knew it wasn't that). They assumed it was a freak cardiac arrhythmia. It's been just over 6 months. It seems like yesterday, yet the days go by so slow sometimes that I can't believe it's been 6 months. I'm not sure how we made it this far except that we find diversions. Traveling, which we used to look forward to with such happiness and anticipation.

This is really long, I know, but I need to keep going.

November and December were very difficult. We spent the whole month of November in Amelia island, at the beach. A place we had many, many happy family trips. We have a 26 year old son also. I am an obsessive shell and sharks tooth hunter so I would disappear for hours and they all would make fun of me.

We went because my birthday is nov 2, thanksgiving, which we did not celebrate in any way. Allyson's birthday 23, on the 23rd. (Al was born on thanksgiving day). The s. Carolina/Clemson game on 25. (You have to know Allyson and her brother Brian to understand the significance of that. She is a rabid gamecock fan) and our anniversary on 28th. I was very apprehensive about going, but I think it was the best thing we could've done. It may be a new November tradition.

December was equally hard for the obvious reasons, plus glens birthday on Xmas eve. I'll stop here for now.

I tried to post a picture but it was too big. Allyson friends made a slide show that is on utube. I don't know if

U want to see it. They only had a few high school and mostly college pics because we just couldn't help them. It's a little too long but if your interested type "Allyson walker-forever to thee" (it doesn't work on my ipad.)

Thank you for reading. I am so sorry for the loss of all of your children.

Sheryl

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tobyfreefoot

yes sheryl we want to see the slide show! one of the wonderful things about this site is sharing your child with people who are glad to hear. the people here understand how much we want the world to remember our children and how often people in our lives seem to want us to move on and forget (like that is even possible much less something we would do.) anyway please feel free to share anything you want as often as you want. we know how important your sweet child is and want to be able to grieve with you and rejoice with you over what a wonderful daughter you raised!

all of you that are new here also. i found this to be a place i am free to talk and so far have received nothing but kindness, understanding and love from these empathetic parents

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Hi. I have not posted since right after I joined this site. I have read your posts nearly every day. There are posts that I could've written myself and they help so much to know I am normal. There are other posts from those who are 3 plus years since losing their beloved "babies" who still feel like My husband and i do and it's only been just over 6 months. I can't imagine feeling like this for that long. The quote "I'm living out of responsibility until I can live for desire" rings so true. (I may not have said it correctly) I only care about my husband and son. I feel like I don't care about my mom, sister, brother or anyone else and I don't know if that's normal.

There is so much I want to tell but can't seem to get it out, except in my head. You probably don't remember or are new but my daughter Allyson, the love of my (and my husband Glens)

life and my 22 year old Mimi me, but better, died in her sleep on July 5, 2012. She was hanging out with friends the night before and was fine when she went home. She had graduated from university of South Carolina in may, got a job and moved to N.Carolina in June. There's a lot I'd like to tell about Allyson but not now. I can say she was loving her life. She had tweeted "I love my life" days before and we saw it on her twitter. (I had thought her friends had told us that to make us feel better). autopsy showed nothing and After 3 1/2 months for toxicology tests and 4 months for tissue sample tests, we were told nothing showed up there either and there is no known cause. (She didn't take drugs, so we knew it wasn't that). They assumed it was a freak cardiac arrhythmia. It's been just over 6 months. It seems like yesterday, yet the days go by so slow sometimes that I can't believe it's been 6 months. I'm not sure how we made it this far except that we find diversions. Traveling, which we used to look forward to with such happiness and anticipation.

Thank you for reading. I am so sorry for the loss of all of your children.

Sheryl

Dear Sheryl,

Your story is so like ours. It took 3 months before they decided that James must have died of a "Sudden Cardiac Arrhythmia" because there was nothing wrong with him!

And I can remember feeling at 3 months, and at 6 months, and at 1 year - how can I endure this pain another year, or 2 or 5 or more? I didn't understand until I started this journey. You go through grief, but you never get over the loss. It's a lifelong journey now, learning how to live without James. I hate it. I don't know how I do it. Someone I read said the sadness becomes part of us. i remember in a book I read someone asked a father who had lost his daughter 4 years before if he was happy. He said "No, not yet, but I keep trying". And that's all any of us are trying to to. And it will take as long as it takes.

Most of my friends and relatives don't understand - and I really have no energy to try to be the person I was. I think very often when people urge us to "move on" what they are really saying is "we want you to be like you were". Well, that is never going to happen. We are very different people now. I cannot look at life with the same enthusiasm and I only have the energy to look after myself, my husband and my daughter. But I think being "selfish" is part of the journey. I just cannot absorb any more pain right now. I ache for the children I will never know. It is enough right now that I am sad for James and sad for Jared and Brian and Anthony and Nicole and Allyson and all the children I've learned about but will never meet because we are all suffering this loss.

I don't look too far forward now - getting through today is hard enough! Sometimes I might think about what I will do on Friday or next month maybe I'll plan to visit my daughter but I don't look much further than that - because the future is too bleak. Will I ever live with hope again? I don't know. I hope so. There, that is the tiny little bit of hope I have!

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I meant to say what Gretchen has said so well! Yes, please share anything and everything about Allyson. We love to hear about our children.

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tobyfreefoot

becky did i already write to tell you i don't know why i didn't know your son was a gamer but i am so glad to know forest is going to have some crazy competition from other indigo kids!

forest already had a tournament set up for aug.20th (he died july 3) so the people he was working with (OKgamers and Hardcore LAN center) went ahead and held it and named it in his honor. gamers came from 9 different states! here is the banner i made for it with him in cos play from some of his trips to A-kon in dallas.

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Mermaid Tears

I slept good for the first time in a long time....so I won't be going around in a "Zombie Fog" state of mind....after reading so many "sharing" their story.....it is very true that others just don't really 'know' what this path is like...until you walk in our shoes....with that ray of truth...(for I have been thinking it without any evidence)....I will now be able to understand why my family and friends walk a large circle around me...I will now put forgiveness in my heart....for they really don't know....

Does that make sense...?? Anyway....it does help me....love and blessings to each of you...

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tobyfreefoot

a marc chagall painting that makes me think of forest and ashlie riding into heaven

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