Loss of an Adult Child

[daveydow1]

Gretchen----Thanks for your kind words. I agree with you that we will never

lose that intense love we have for our children who have left this world before

us. When I was early on in this lousy journey, I, too, felt that I could only accomplish

small things, and that it wasn't enough. But----those small things can and do give

us a lift in spirits.....even if just in a small measure...it's still a lift. Then, as time goes

by, we can become a bit stronger and we can get more accomplishments done,

in our everday lives. It's nothing that is happening quickly....that's for sure, and it

takes a lot out of us sometimes. Just hang in, Gretchen. Thanks for the quote that

your Forest had written. No----we can't tiptoe through life, if we want to have the

experience of living it to the fullest. I have 3 other living children ---two who are older than

David, and one who is 6 yrs. younger. Lisa would be 1 yr. older than David, had she

lived. She passed away at age 6 mo. old, and then David was born a yr. later.

Dee-----Your winter walk sounds very nice. We are supposed to get another 2 or 3 inches

of snow tomorrow. Congrats on your 14th anniversary, and I hope that your husband

is able to shake off the cold he may be getting. The birdfeeders must be so nice. We're

getting more cardinals at our feeders this winter, for some reason. Still have the usual

sparrows, and mourning doves among various others, and woodpeckers. Of course

that oppossum comes poking around now & then.....homely little thing.

Lora---I, so, agree that we would do it all again just to have the time that we had with

our dear kids who went to heaven.....even with the pain of losing them being the price

to pay. Nice that your son, Jared, has a tattoo for Cara. I hope that he likes Fla. Is he

going to stay there to live, or just on a vacation? I'm glad that you now have more time

to walk. Your story of the lights casting a shadow, and that it's like Cara is with you is

so nice. I am also glad to have the holidays over for another year. They are bittersweet

for all of us here at BI, I guess.

Mermaidtears----Yes...this site is certainly a circle of friends. That's a nice way that you

put it. Whenever someone comes to BI , they are included in the 'circle of friends'.....right

away. We are all kindred hearts....bound together by sad circumstances that brought us

here....and the circle always has room for another hurting soul. Peace to you.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Mermaid Tears]

I am so glad that "Christmas" is over.....no ...I am not a Scrooge...and I did all..."ALL" that I was supposed to do this season....but....I will vow....never...never....have to do it "ALL" again....ever...ever.....I will draw my own line in the sand....and do what...how...when...where....I will do next year....but ...never....ever....do it all the same way.....no....it is NOT the same...will NEVER be the same....and that is just the way it is....each of you have given me the courage to say.....from now on.....it will have to be...."another way".....I cannot do this again....I did this year....but....from now on.....it is my "Mother's way"....for I do know what I can do...what I can't do....and what I will do....from this date on......I have no ill will for anyone.....but from now on...I will have to have the "GOOD will for me".....I have enough love in my heart to float a battleship....I have enough energy to light a city....I have enough empathy to fill a cathedral...so I have enough intelligence to know what I will create in the future concerning my John David....and how I deal with his "passing" to the light.....once again...blessings to all on here that know in your heart what I am dealing with...without going into any detail.....you know....you already know what is in my heart....for some small slips in time...."I just want him back"....but I know...it can't be.....so I have to deal with the real....this year...with his passing so quick...and so new...I had to go with the "flow" so to speak....will figure things out as the days pass...

[ericasmom]

Sherry said: We are all kindred hearts....bound together by sad circumstances that brought us

here....and the circle always has room for another hurting soul. Peace to you.

Beautifully stated Sherry, wonderful.

As far as that Opossum, yep, homely as all get out, but somehow loveable. Have you seen them in the spring carrying their babies on their backs and sides? Such a funny sight. ONe used to come to our porch at our old house and eat our dry cat food.

Mermaid Tears, RIGHT ON, I bet John is pleased to see that his Momma is going to take care of herself. Yes, doing it the way you did was a mix of what everyone needed and you did it and now you see that once was quite enough. As you move forward, you will pick and choose according to what is feeling right. Good for you to have realized this as it will help you conserve your energy when you need it most and allow you to expend it on those activities that seem worthy.

Lora, Jonathan went on a drive across the country about a year after Eri died. He just needed to go drive, he hung out with friends in Florida as a hurricane tore through, he drove through blinding blizzards in Iowa, he needed to stretch his vision and spend time thinking on the road. After his Daddy died, he drove again, out west to deposit some of Michael's ashes in the spots that the three of them used to ski and snowboard. Again, he needed to drive. He went to Utah and a whole bunch of places between here and there, meeting up with his girl and several friends in Colorado to snowboard. It was what he needed to do with his grief. Your boy sounds like he is an adventurer and in all of his travels, Cara is there with him, cheering him on. Jon also has EER tattooed on his Arm in two places. Erica Eileen Reith. She goes where he goes.

[mikesmomrs]

Mermaid tears wrote: "and I feel as if I have this circle of friends..." I feel the same, and I am turning to you all tonight because I need to "talk" to people who truly understand a loss that drains your heart of its very life. I know that there is a difference in the feelings we experience with the loss of a child and those we feel in the loss of a spouse...I have lost both, and suffered tremendously with the loss of our son, but right now the loss of my spouse is nearly doing me in. I have days when I am "okay" as in, I can function, but the days when I am not, are days when I truly feel as though I just can't do this, and tonight is one of those. I remember saying that after we lost our son, but then I could turn to my husband, and the strength that I was not feeling was provided by him, or if he was feeling the same, we held on to each other and pulled what we could from each other until the terrible feelings had passed. I don't have that strength resource now in the loss of my husband. I am in such pain right now, and I know that eventually things will soften, that I will become stronger, but for now, my strength is negligible. I don't know why life has to be this way, and I know I am not the only one going through this. Thousands of people, every single day, lose their spouse. I am only one of them. But my pain is the only pain I feel right now, and it is so overwhelming, heartbreaking and devestating. I am sorry if I am offending anyone, truly, but I just need to let this out and I need to do it in a space where people truly understand the heartbreak we feel over losing someone we love so very dearly. I have found this here before, and while I know this is not for a loss of a spouse, I do feel that this is a familiar place for me, and that you all will understand my need to connect with those familiar with me, as well as being familiar with the terrible pain of loss. Please forgive me, please understand. I am so sorry for all of you who are suffering the loss of your child; I completely understand and pray for your pain to soften; I truly do know the raw and destructive forces that we can experience while healing from the loss of our precious child. I know that time is the only thing that gets us to that point where we feel some sense of softening. And I know that grieving is something we must go through; we cannot go around it or avoid it. I would climb a mountain right now to get over this, but I know it would be waiting on the other side, waiting for me to still go "through" it. I am trying desperately to move forward one step at a time. And I make it on a few days, and then, I fall back again. I have seen so many, many signs that my husband (and my son, still) is with me, is helping me to find my way, and I am so very thankful for them all, but the times when I so need his physical presence in my life undo me.

Please know that I hold you all dearly in my prayers and my wishes for healing. Always.

love to you all. Carol

[mikesmomrs]

Susan, John David's mom, and RAchel, Cassidy's mom...you have come to a good place to find healing, comfort and understanding. All here are so familiar with what you are going through and will offer you a place to "fall" softly when you need to, a place where we want to hear about your sweet child, about yourself, and a place where you can truly come and feel in "a circle of friends." thank you Susan, for that description, it is so right.

[tobyfreefoot]

oh carol if you try maybe you can feel our arms around you. i wish we were all together to help comfort you and help you face the morning. you have done so much for all of us here. we all feel like we knew your husband and were there through the long days of struggle. i am so sorry. please continue to talk to us. i don't want you to feel so all alone.

[tobyfreefoot]

i hope this isn't wrong to post this--i know we are all struggling through our own grief but any of you that are far enough along to participate in this i thought some of you might want to:

To help the students feel welcome, the Connecticut Parent-Teacher-Student Association is asking people around the country send handmade, paper snowflakes to the new school. The PTSA wants to make the new building feel like a winter wonderland by decorating the entire school with the unique snowflakes.

Betsy Landers, National PTA president, told Time magazine the Connecticut PTSA met with the school superintendent and school board members, and they decided this was the best way to show Sandy Hook students they have the love and support of people across the country.

"It's a way to make these children feel cared for," said Landers, "to create a moment of awe and help them experience something wonderful on their return to school."

You can send the paper snowflakes to Connecticut PTSA, 60 Connolly Parkway, Building 12, Suite 103, Hamden, CT 06514. The snowflakes must be received by January 12.

[shellyku]

Good Morning Friends - been reading this early morning before work and want to first say

Carol, I can feel your hurt in your words. How I wish I could do something for you to fill that

void you are feeling. I pray right now that Mike and Mike come to you and fill you up with

their love and presence so that emptiness just melts away. You are such a force for good

in this "circle" that we all will do whatever we can to squeeze that circle til we're holding you up!

My love and prayers are with you!

Gretchen - I will send a snowflake to the children for sure! What a nice way to help the

children back to their school.

Mermaid Tears - It is good that you realize what you can and can't do, will or won't do for

yourself. I've always had the dreaded "Disease to Please" and I still do to an extent...I'm

learning, though, that I can't be good for anyone else if I'm not good to myself. Prayers.

Sherry - lots of cardinals at my feeder also this early winter. I have to fill it everday!

Gots to go get ready for work! To all friends in the "circle", I wish you a blessed day

with a measure of peace, lots of love, and always hope! Shelly

[darlenestark]

I've counted 366 days...

I've counted the weeks by Thursdays, the months by the 29th...

Today it is one year since my Ali died...

Today I begin counting the years...

[tobyfreefoot]

darlene i'm so sorry. i crossed that mark in july so this was my second christmas without my son. i now face another new year without him. i too am now counting years. i've really had all the years i want. at one time they thought i had a brain tumor and i realzed then leaving is much easier than being left. i don't wish that on my other children after the loss of their brother but it would be so much easier on my heart.

[ericasmom]

I've counted 366 days...

I've counted the weeks by Thursdays, the months by the 29th...

Today it is one year since my Ali died...

Today I begin counting the years...

Darlene, such a poetic way of counting the long days of loss. Yes, counting the years is a sad affair. I wish you deep peace coming from above.

Ali, sweep into Mom's days and nights allowing her to catch the peace of your essence.

[Sholl1955]

Carol- I am so sorry you are having a hard time. I am praying for you and from what I have learned from this group and from you, this is exactly the right place for you to come to share your pain and loss. Everyone here understands and the love of this group for you and your family is very evident.

Darlene-I know the one year anniversary of losing Ali has to be so hard. I am really sorry. I have not gotten to that mark in this journey, but I know it is coming and do not look forward to it. You are in my prayers.

I want to wish each of you a quiet and peaceful New Year. I feel the need to get away with my husband for a few days so we are going to go just a short distance but where we can be by ourselves as the New Year arrives. I do not know why I feel the need to do this but will follow my instincts and go with it.

I have one bit of good news that I want to share with all of you. I have been looking for a job that would accomodate the need to be off evenings, weekends, to care for my husband and grandaughters and yesterday I was offered a job and start this Wednesday the second. It is totally different from my job of 20 years. I am going in to it excited and actually I think I am ready to do something different. Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers the last 3 months as I looked for this job.

Sandy

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Very rainy, making me very sad. This is the view from my office window...

[ericasmom]

Shelly, I am so glad that you are following your instincts to have this time alone with your husband. Sometimes there is no rhyme nor reason for what we want to do, but we follow our hearts which is usually the very best thing to do. Perhaps with your Husband, the two of you can just 'BE' without any pretenses and look at the year that has been without worrying about tears. I am thrilled for your job, so glad for you. A new start in the new year.

Carol, your ache is palpable and coming here with it is the very best thing to do. You offend nobody in your grieving for your Sweet Partner and Husband. You and Mike traveled the very hardest road together, that loss of Mike Jr. was the worst thing for you both, but you leaned on one another and you both really understood the reactions and moods and worries, you were very united in your grief, very supportive. Not all couples do grief that way, but you two have done most everything that way. A special couple the kind of marriage we wish for all newlyweds...so after this time and all the long road you have shared, it is a lonely place to be on the road without HIM. Oh yes, I know he is with you, he is as strong an Angel as his Boy, leaving you love notes throughout the days, but the missing is purely out of not being able to touch, listen to, talk with, hug, kiss, and dream...that ache is something we can surely listen to Sweet Carol. It is what we know how to do well here, you have been the strength for so many, let us be that for you right now. Hang on and believe in what you have said today adn so many times in the past to comfort others, that over time, the weight will lessen, that going through grief is the only way and no matter the pain today, you are one day closer to feeling lighter.

Becky, soon after Erz died I found a card by a Chinese woman and it states this:

I

stood on tiptoe

gazing into the distance

interminably gazing at the

road that had taken you

I bought the card and one day will have it framed with a photo that I love of Erz, but for now, it hangs on my bulletin board right here in my office.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Dee, wow! It is oddly comforting to know that my same thoughts and feelings are felt and shared by others. Thanks for sharing that.

BTW, we hadn't heard the alarm go off for Jared's window in weeks now, but it went off twice yesterday while they were here! It just made me smile. I think Jared was letting me know that we're on the right path. (for those that may not remember, this is one of Jared's signs to us. The alarm on his window facing the backyard would go off, when the window was locked and not raised at all. We were told it was because the sash was beginning to get soft from age, and so we replaced the window with a brand new one, and guess what? It still goes off. Not all the time, just every now and again...)

[Jilly's mom]

I read these posts often, and am saddened at how many newbies are on here. Welcome to the light on this dark road. This site will be your anchor in many storms, whether you answer posts or not...just reading them and knowing you are not alone will help.

I realize that everyone grieves differently. I would like to share a story with you. Perhaps it will help. Perhaps not. I lift you all up in prayers.

A day or two after Jilly went Home last year, I called a very dear friend of mine who had lost not one, but TWO children. I have always looked up to her as she has a wisdom that continually amazes me. She had carried a baby almost to term when it was discovered that this angel girl child had lethal deformities. She wou...ld die either during birth or shortly afterwards. My friend was bedridden for several weeks waiting for the baby to be born. She handled the whole situation so lovingly, so gracefully, and with such faith in God that I was awed. The baby lived 2 weeks, and died at home, being held by her parents, angels and blanketed in lots of love. I asked this wise woman how to walk this path...How could I go on when I couldn't even get through a minute without my heart breaking repeatedly? She gave me a strange answer...or so I thought at the time. She said, "Louise, on the day you can get down on your knees and thank God for taking Jilly HOME, you will have peace beyond understanding."

I thought, "You want me to do WHAT???" God could have made things turn out differently! If He had been there, maybe Jilly wouldn't have died! "

The answer came...."He WAS there."

He was there with both girls in the car as it flew through the air. He took Jilly's hand as she leapt from her body into His warm, loving embrace. Her work and the lessons she came here to learn were done, and they both knew it. He took her HOME...

This wise mom asked me if I had ever lost Jilly in a store....you know how kids can hide in clothing racks, etc when they are bored with shopping? Jilly had done this once. Panic set in...where was she? I am sure many parents have had this experience. Some kind angel (in the form of a person) had found her, taken her to the nearest intercom and announced that she was lost, and would her mom please come and get her. This angel in disguise entertained her until I got there, and by the time I arrived a few seconds later, Jilly was happily telling this person all about her life, or some such thing, and they were both laughing. Jilly wasn't worried. She knew I would come for her. ( Moms always do, don't they?) She wasn't particularly missing me at that moment because some kind caring person was giving her undivided attention.

This mom then asked me what I said to that wonderful angel in disguise, who had kept my daughter safe until I reached her. "Well, I said THANK YOU SO MUCH of course!"

Exactly. That was her point.

God is keeping Jilly safe and "entertained" (or perhaps she is keeping HIM entertained!) until I get there. No harm will ever come to her with Him at her side. She could not possibly be in better hands, or loved more deeply than she is at this moment.

The next day, in the shower, with tears running down my face, I did that very thing. I fell to my knees and thanked my Heavenly Father for taking my girl Home....for keeping her safe and sound, happy and loved, until the day I get there and hug her again.

This mom was right. The peace and understanding which came over me was indescribable. It still is.

Yes, I still miss her and yes, I still have human meltdowns. But every morning, my prayer is this: Thank you Heavenly Father for my family and the people you lend to me each day, for however long that may be, that I might grow in love and faith. Thank you for loving me and my family. Thank you for lending me Jilly for 19 years.....and for taking my Jilly Home, until I get there too. Amen.

[517958]

Louise, thank you so much for sharing the story of thanking God for taking care of our girls for us. I never thought of it that way. Since I lost Charlotte I've often had the panicky feeling that I've lost her in a store and can't find her. The next time I get that feeling, I will remember to thank God for finding her and taking care of her until I get there:) You made me smile today. Thank you!

[ericasmom]

Louise, that story is one to hold close to our hearts, I have always felt that Eri was met by her heavenly guide when it came time for her to leave this Earth. God didn't make our Kids die, God gave them a place to LIVE.

Peace to you and Char's Mom, so good to see you today.

[Mermaid Tears]

Once again....am filled with absolute gratitude for each word and thought from each of you and your sharing....more later....blessings to each of you...

[RonnieAlt]

Louise,

Your story deeply touched my heart, as I read it I wept and knew that I will need to do the very same thing one day, but then I thought; but not yet, it has been too soon. The pain is stil so great...Then I noticed your precious Jilly's angelversary and it is just shortly after my Cherry-Lynn's angelversary 10/14/2011.

I was thinking back to similar experiences in "losing" my children at the mall, and it happened twice, both times with my daughter who died, CherryLynn. Not any other of my 5 children. Also, 9 days before Cherry passed away she had passed away and been resuscitated. So, we "lost" her twice. So odd.

Anyway, I do so remember the panic, running around the mall screaming at the top of my lungs, eagle eying everything and everyone. Looking for her kidnapper ready to defend my young in the most primal of zones. It was like survival instincts honed from millinea took over my fear-frozen mind and directed my actions.

Once found, the relief was overwhelming joy and tears streaming down my face. Hugging her tightly never wanting to let go.

Now knowing that relief will never come this time, she IS gone. It is that panic in the depth of my gut, it physically hurts and is now never-ending. It is always going to be there, it will surface when it must be dealt with and I will "take" it out when I need to. Other times it will be triggered by a memory, or a sign from beyond. Each time going further through the grief and sorrow we must go through.

Thank you for sharing this very private conversation with all of us, it brings healing. I hold this very sacred. I believe we are all on sacred ground here together.

[westleysmom]

Robert's Mom Rhonda-I have been away for a while but signed on today and found a new Rhonda here. I'm so sorry for you loss which sounds very similar to mine. My son Westley died in his sleep on a friend's couch January 13 2010. She called the house early that morning and said she couldn't wake him and I told her to call 911 and we would be right there, but she called back while we were on our way and said they had taken him to the hospital. When we got there, they came in after getting us to sign forms and shut the door, and I knew. They said he had been gone for a while before she tried to wake him, there was nothing they could do. He was 20 years old and would have been 21 in 6 days. He still lived at home, and I remember looking in his room after answering the phone because I had talked to him before going to bed the night before and he was supposed to be home in an hour or so. He had decided to sleep on the couch because he was so sleepy and didn't want to drive home. The official cause of death, which took quite a while to find out was combined acute intoxication, alcohol and some kind of prescription drug. I feel as you do that his own actions resulted in his death, and it haunts me that I must not have done a very good job teaching him what not to do. He was the light of my life and I miss him every moment of every day. The holidays are hard and I am always glad when they are over, except that then we are in January with the anniversary of his death on the 13th and his birthday on the 19th. My best friend from high school lost her 19 year old son in the same way on January 1 of that year, which I didn't know until I called her that morning to tell her what had happened to Westley. She and this group have helped me to get through the last almost three years. How can that be? 3 years without him. I never would have believed that I could live without one of my children, I have a daughter who is married and she has 2 little ones. I try to find reasons to go on, and they are about all that can make me smile much of the time. It will get softer with time, but it takes a while. Hugs to you dear. I hope you find comfort here as I have.

Carol-Thinking of you.

Dee, Sherry, Colleen, all my dear friends here, I have thought of you often since I last posted and hope that you are well. My new computer at work won't let me sign on here, so I have to do it at home and by the time I get home, I don't feel equal to the task. But you remain in my heart always, friends that understand are rare and precious and you all are that to me.

[daveydow1]

Rhonda..Westleysmom----Good to see your post. It's odd, that I was

just thinking about you near Christmas, and missed seeing your posts.

Sending thoughts & prayers your way, my friend.

Jillysmom---Your story is so very touching, and uplifting too. I believe

that angels come to take our babies away.....softly, peacefully, just as

with the dear lady's little angel baby at home.

Becky----Good to hear that the state rep. and senator has given your

worthwhile cause some attention. It gives you and your family hope

that you can accomplish getting much-needed laws enacted to try and prevent

tragedies from happening, and to honor your dear son, JD. I admire your drive,

work, and tireless dedication to get these things done.

Carol-----Dear friend....I can hear the sorrow and anguish in your post, and

your missing your dear soulmate/ husband, Ralph. I , so wish that I had the words

to express my sadness at your grief at this bitter time for you. (I hope I don't sound

too 'clumsy' in trying to express it). Your grief is now double, and I pray so hard

that you will somehow find some measure of comfort in the coming days. You have

been here for all of us at BI so often....with comforting words of encouragement that I hope that you

will get some bit of light from our posts. Peace & prayers.

Dee----Yep---the opossums are quite homely with their shabby-looking gray/white

fur, needle-sharp snout, and rat-like tail. As you say, though, they are so homely

as to be cute. I have seen them a few times with the babies on the mamas back,

clinging to her tail for dear life. Thanks for the writing....so true.

Darlene----Thinking of you and sending prayers.

Shellyku----the cardinals are so bright & pretty. We can see them so well at the

feeders, as we stand looking out our kitchen window. NOW----if I could just keep

our kitten from jumping up on the counter to have a look.

Mermaidtears----I think that you expressed the feeling that we all here at BI feel....

and that we are glad that the holidays are behind us for another year. They are

at the least, a bittersweet experience, and sad and stressful. Peace to you.

WISHING PEACE, COMFORT, AND LIGHT TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Guest]

.

[ericasmom]

Ronnie, so good to see you again, knowing that you are out there is a nice feeling.I hope your coming back will give you some of what helps you most for this part of the journey.

Rhonda, Westley's Mom, boy I have missed you. Glad to see you today too. I knew you were feeling a break was needed so your return today is a treat. I know that January hits hard Rhonda, so come on back and hold on tight as you move through the calendar dates that bring your heart to a wobbly state. I see that you still doubt the good mom you have been in saying that you wonder if you did not do a good job of teaching him about the dangers of alcohol and what-not. I think we all put down the laws of drugs and alcohol to our kids, I know that I did but it did not stop my kids from experimenting at all. Getting close calls and being rushed to the hospital when she was 15 was a bit of a wake-up call to Eri, FIFTEEN! She decided to drink through a beer-bong. Really? She tested most limits because that was who she was. And most teens and young adults do not feel that they are ever in danger, the recent brain studies show that that part of the brain is still developing until age 23, so that sense of ' nothing can hurt me,' is what gets so many kids in trouble or in danger or worse. A young man who died 18 months before Eri, who also went to Eri and Jon's school and who we knew, died similarly, cough meds and smoked a heap of pot. Something about the combo for him caused him to seizure. He was a great kid, not a mean bone in his body, and his parents taught him quite well. The school programs taught the kids well, it was a choice at a moment in time and the reactions were fatal, and as horrid as that is, it is not your fault.

Gretchen, I heard about the snowflake idea from a Mom of one of my students but because we were not allowed to talk about the tragedy at NEWTOWN, we could not make snowflakes. I will however, make some and send them. I pray that new legislation come out of this horror so that there is at least that mark made by these tiny ones and their teachers, a mark that changes the laws in their names and spirit.

Lora, I heard that you received more snow, they showed PA on the news as far as traffic concerns with the snow and ice. BE CAREFUL. What a cool Grandmom you had, she must be so proud of you and happy that you feel you have her genes in the energy department. Which school in Chicago Lora? What area of study? We are just outside the city proper.

Sherry, you are not clumsy at all in your words to Carol. Who best knows what it is to grieve two precious people. You are a wise woman with a huge heart.

Perhaps you can shed some light on the new feeders we hung. I don't think the one with niger seeds is in the right spot for finch. Too out int he open and not near enough to a bush or tall reeds for cover. Your ideas? We have not seen any finch thus far at the feeder. Now the sunflower feeder for birds like cardinals has attracted some small birds, maybe nuthatches and chicadees, we'll see tomorrow who visits. I can watch all day.

I am going to post a song written by Leonard Cohen but covered by a myriad of others, the one I love most is arranged and performed by a wonderful musician named Jeff Buckley. HE too is now an Angel, and his voice and guitar work are angel like. the song, Alleluia, is a classically beautiful song that you have all heard in many situations, joyous and tragic. Jeff Buckley must have been an old soul, he left early like our kids...

[ericasmom]

I need tissues to listen but each time, I am made to feel strength because it is out of the deep caverns of grief that we find a bit of light again, alleluja and it is from the deepest pain that we know the strength of pure love.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

God, give us strength to face another year....

[RobertAnthonysMom]

Thanks to everyone for being so welcoming and supportive. I wish I could share more here but right now I can't find what it takes. I have been following posts and hopefully will in time be able to share more.

I don't know how you have all found and continue to find the strength to go on.

Rhonda - Westley's mom, I'm so sorry to hear about your son. Thank you for sharing your story.

I'm hoping to find something to focus on to help me to work my way through this.

Thanks so much to everyone.

[tobyfreefoot]

this is very poignant also due to the fact his mother suffered the same fate as we have. jeff drown at the age of 31 with only one studio album produced. his mother produced the unfinished album "my sweetheart the drunk"

I need tissues to listen but each time, I am made to feel strength because it is out of the deep caverns of grief that we find a bit of light again, alleluja and it is from the deepest pain that we know the strength of pure love.

[tobyfreefoot]

found this comment below this you tube clip:

People who go through 3 stages of tears when they discover Jeff Buckley 1) Crying upon first listening to this angel 2)Crying upon finding out he died so young 3) Crying from then on because they're rejoicing over the music and the fact that God even gave the world Jeff Buckley in the first place even if it was only for a short time

this video is a lovely tribute to jeff, i did a portrait of him some years ago. he kinda reminds me of forest, dark eyes, thin, wild haired. a blessed new years to you all.

[ericasmom]

Oh Gretchen, I so agree with the three reasons for tears when listening to this marvelous angel musician. It is though his ethereal sound was destined to sting our hearts with beauty, the way his sweet voice and guitar become one. HE left like our Kids, they are together. THanks for leaving that tribute video. I think Forest and He do resemble one another, that poet look about them both. Sweet. He was reaping so much acclaim as he traveled the world playing his music, humble in his acceptance of the rave reviews. We are blessed to have his sound with us. I bought a book for my husband for the holidays that is about Leonard Cohen and how Buckley's version of the song claimed so many listeners. Many have done it, each time so lovely, but nobody does it like Jeff Buckley.

[shorty16]

The new year is difficult for me. Yet another year without my Brian. I know others feel this way too. I am sending my love and support to all those that find themselves with out their children in 2013.

Colleen, Brian's Mom 4ever

[tobyfreefoot]

didn't you say we are the same age? did you know leonard cohen is still touring? he apparently was ripped of all his money somehow and now around 70 yrs. old he gives a very long excellent show. have to say nothing beats buckley though on hallelujeh. i have seen a pretty good rendition by k d lang. a lot of people don't like her but i think she has a great voice.

strange uncanny concrete corners forest and jeff are sitting in eh?

[ericasmom]

Uncanny indeed Gretchen, they are like brothers, perhaps feeling as such as well. Leonard is a good guy, I did not know about his loss of all material wealth however. Sure know he loves to perform though I have never seen him. Yes, you and I are both 56 I think, I have a birthday in April. I like our music connections.

Col, good to see Brian's smile today. Yep, hard one but one I am sure he is sending goodness for you to capture in your heart.

Here is a video that someone just sent to me, it is so pretty I thought I would attach it.

Happy New Year and while that sounds trite or undoable, understand that our ANGELS are sending their light even on the darkest of nights, sending light and love and hope to infuse into our lives.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_nubs7hdp7k

[Mermaid Tears]

Greetings of gratitude again from my heart...loved the music...music was John David's passion..and music has a way of reaching every corner of the earth...and speaking in every different language...and touching us "just where the hurt is" like a balm on a wound. I am too emotional now to "say" what I want to say...."For I have promises to keep...and miles to go before I sleep"....I have to keep myself "in costume" for awhile...

[shellyku]

On this New Year's Eve(ning) - Dee - all I can say is WOW! Thank you soooo much for

sharing that piece. I have never heard of this woman but what a voice! A mesmerizing(sp)

video to be sure...gets you "right there"! My sincere and soulfelt wishes to you and your

family for a peaceful, healthful, prosperous in spirit and riches, and an Eri-filled 2013.

Thank you my friend for all you are to us here and may you never leave us. This place

wouldn't be what is is without you!

Gretchen, the Rhondas, Carol, the Rachaels, the Sherrys, Lora, Colleen, Greg, Betty,

Angel Boy of Mine, Mermaid Tears, Cherry's Mom, Ali's Mom, Amy, our friends from

Australia and India, David, Sarah's Mom, Susannah, Jilly's Mom, (ok I knew this would

happen, I'm losing it...so many people here). Please know that if your name has escaped

me at this moment, I do pray for everyone who has ever been here that you find some

peace on this the last day of 2012. Wherever you are on this awful and unexpected

journey, please know that there is healing. It will come at a different time and in a

different way for each of us, but I believe God wants healing for us and he will help

us with it. We must believe healing is possible and not a bad thing. Our angels want

it for us, I truly believe that.

My prayers are with each and every one of you that we all remember how blessed we

are to have had them in our lives. My love to all! Happy New Year! Shelly

[ericasmom]

Susan, miles to go before you sleep, one of my favorites, but just so you know, you can say pretty much what you need here, I get not wanting to get too emotional, but we don't scare from that as we all have been very emotional at some points in our path. I know though, that sometimes allowing that 'grief-beast' out makes it hard to live in the home where others live, so do what you must in order to keep a peace of sorts.

John David is keeping good company, music is one of the ties for these Angels for sure. Eri went to Bonaroo just two weeks or so before she was killed, it was in her words, " the best time of my life." Bonaroo is a three day outdoor concert in Tennessee. And yes, music is an international language, we all can connect there.

We just had a nice early dinner at a local restaurant with husband's uncle, just the three of us. It was very nice and uncle is such a dearheart. Love that man. Later, 8:30 or so, we will walk down 4 houses and go to a party at our friends' Jimmy and Marion. I have known Marion for about 20 or so years, we both lived in a different neighborhood in the next town over and our Girls went to school together there. SO nice to have a party that we walk to each year. I already had a glass of wine with dinner, that is usually my cap, so we shall see about how long I can stay up this night.

[Sholl1955]

As planned I brought my husband and we got away for a few days alone before the New Year arrives, which will be in 31 minutes. Unfortunately my husband ( who has early onset Alzheimers Dementia) has not been very good cognitivley at all. Things that usually he is able to do, he has been unable to do and confusion is increased. Could be from not being in his environment, or that he has moved farther down the journey he is on. So sharing my thoughts and feelings with him will not happen, but we are together. We did do a bit of shopping today so that I could get some new clothes for my new job that I start next week. I tried on a top and my first thought was " Sarah is going to love this" , then I remembered. I feel so alone tonight and feeling very sorry for myself. I miss her so much I again feel the physical pain. I know I have alot to be thankful for with my new job, my grandbabies and family but facing 2013 feels really scarey right now. But I will be fine. I do have my husbands service dog by my side and he shows unconditional love no matter how much of a mess I am. One day and one breath at a time.

I wish for everyone here a peaceful New Year.

Sandy

[ericasmom]

Sandy, I can totally see your worries for the new year and how they mix with the good stuff, it is so hard to not feel lonely when we lose a Child, and when you are also facing the changes in your Husband's abilities, well, you have a lot on your plate. I admire your courage even when you are thinking you are not brave, you really are. Your many new journeys will converge and you will find ways to move through them. For now, one moment at a time.

Peace and Blessings

PS glad that you have the dog by your side.

Happy New Year All! I just went to the yard with my hopes written on one side of a piece of paper and my worries on the other side, and after a prayer or two or three, I lit a match to the paper, giving these up to the wind. I do this every year pretty much at or around 12:00 Am on NYE.

[tobyfreefoot]

dee that was incredibly beautiful!

sandy hopefully your husband's illness will be slow to progress, my father had it and i had found a link with ideas to do with him when he was in advanced stages but forgot about it and wish i hadn't because it would have made his last months more fun for him. my heart goes out to you on that road and i also have that same shopping moment over and over when i see things my son's girlfriend (she also died) would have loved. on occasion i've had to leave the store because they were everywhere. i think you are managing very well and i agree with dee that you are very brave. you are not sorry for yourself you are just sad and justifiably so.

last year i hated ringing in a new year because my son wasn't going to be in 2012......., this time i feel sad i am starting another year without him but also glad to get away from that 2012 number the first he never saw. now it is just this endless track and what year it is doesn't seem to matter anymore

[JD's Mom, Becky]

((Hugs)) to you Colleen. I know...

The new year is difficult for me. Yet another year without my Brian. I know others feel this way too. I am sending my love and support to all those that find themselves with out their children in 2013.

Colleen, Brian's Mom 4ever

[Guest]

.

[Mermaid Tears]

Happy New Year....another new year has come....wishing each of you all that is bright and beautiful....prayers for each of you to keep your eye and heart on Him...and His gift of Faith..and His sweet Grace....may you and yours receive gifts that money can't buy....May His Arms of Mercy, Grace, Healing and Love be around you in your deep sadness...the dark that comes to us in our grief....all is well.

[BrendaDup59]

Hi, been a rough few days , my nieces baby Ryleigh is in the hospital with RSV and they can not figure out why she is having breathing problems , her lungs they said sound OK , but her heart rate keeps going up to 200 and her oxygen drops to 88 , they said last night was bad she struggled to breath all night I am so scared we are going to lose our precious girl , please say a prayer. I could not handle waiting for the new year to come in or a call I will never get again (Brian always called me at midnight)so I went to bed. I spent most of the evening crying, just seems to get worse missing him. I think I had a hard time with his wife going out to party, not in the sense she should not enjoy herself but it just hit me wrong .oh well well I will try and keep everyone updated on our girl. Take Care Brenda

[ericasmom]

Brenda, may Ryleigh's doctors find the issue and correct it immediately, and then Please God, help her live a long strong happy life, no more loss.

Brenda, it is not hard to figure why it hit you wrong that Brian's wife went out, even though rationally you want her to have fun and friends in her world, it just accentuates the loss for you. I am praying.

Becky, I don't think I commented about the good news in your world with gaining the attention to the problems on the roads in your area. Good for you, it is with your persistence and hope that these changes might be made. Fingers are crossed that laws are changed concerning it all.

[daveydow1]

Dee----thanks for your kind words. I, too, have read where small birds

prefer that the feeders be located near some shrubs etc. that can afford them

more protection from predatory birds (like hawks). We've noticed, that while

the finches came regularly to the feeder last year, there have been very few

this winter---so far. We have a special tubular feeder with very fine screen,

and extra small perches, and filled with thistle seed, but not many finches out there

at the feeders. Thanks for the song 'Hallelujah' by Jeff Buckley. I did not

know that he had gone to heaven at age 31. This is particularly notable to

me, because I had downloaded that song onto my playlist on one of

the web-based music sites,awhile back. I had also loved the same song sung on American

Idol several years ago, by a handsome young man from Texas....Jason Castro.

I found his version, and also downloaded it a couple months ago. He did not

win--- (he admitted that he was relieved to be eliminated from the competition.) He was

a shy person, really, and his shyness was so endearing somehow. He also wore

dreads, like ERi.

Cara----I'm so glad that you are like your dear grandmother.....that you have been

able to draw strength and inspiration from that wonderful lady. She sounds like

she lived life to the fullest, and gave so much of herself. I'm sorry that she died

the way that she did,.....after having battled cancer. I, too, have tried to be like my

grandmother...who was also an inspiration to everyone in her family. She had a

rough life.....9 children....mostly born before or during the Great Depression...a

less that 'ideal' husband (to say the least). But she always found time to appreciate

life...children, animals,music, flowers,.I loved her so much. These hearty grandparents give us much to add

strength and resiliency to our lives, haven't they?. So good of you to go to the

viewing of your friend's grandfather.....he must have been very important part of

her life also, and will be greatly missed.May he rest in peace. Our angels are with us forevermore.

Becky---Thanks for the song "Jealous of the Angels"....beautiful.

Robertsmom----I, so, understand that in your sorrow, you may not be able to offer

too many words right now, and that's ok. Please keep coming to BI.

Gretchen---I agree---your Forest, and Jeff Buckley have a strong resemblance.

Colleen---Good to see your post. Yes--there's always that sadness that... here we

are in a new year, and our dear children are not here on earth with us. Thoughts & prayers.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

Throughout my time here on BI, many parents have often expressed

the fear that they will somehow forget things about their beloved child

that left this world too soon....and I have been one of those who expressed

that fear. Not to forget their child, but just things about their child.

I had a dream two nights ago, and wanted to share it with

you. It was a short dream, but held so much meaning and inspiration for me:

I dreamed of my baby Lisa. We were lying on a large bed, and I was

just caressing her face and cheeks and expressing love for her. She

had on a pink dress. Then, I had her with me at some sort of a small

festival or gathering. I was talking to people, and when I turned around,

Lisa was gone from my side. I looked for her, and told other people

that she was lost, was a baby, and had on a pink dress. I felt guilty

right away, and blamed myself that I should have watched her closer.

I didn't find her.....she was gone. Then I woke up. The dream was somehow

not upsetting to me. It was a 'visit' and a sign from her, and she is ok. in heaven.

So, I wanted to reinforce what we all say, here on BI,

that despite fears we may have, we never do forget our beloved children.

Lisa died nearly 43 yrs. ago, and there that little angel was...dressed in

pink....in my short cherished little dream.

Sherry

[ericasmom]

Sherry, I am thrilled for your dream and the wonderful feeling you had upon waking, knowing it was a visit from your Littlest Angel. The hope you offer here in retelling your dream is without a doubt, a gift. Just as when You and I first came here, the voices of those ahead of us offering a bit of hope like breadcrumbs on the unknown road, you have left a whole lot of wonderful path-finding notes for folks early on this journey and for me, alongside you on this journey. So glad that you like that song by Jeff Buckley and the others who sing it, so amazingly pretty.

I had a dream just this morning, one with Erz, and it has been a while since I have seen her in a dream, she was an adult and I was so thrilled to see her, we were to take a trip, but the transportation kept getting messed up and I could not remember what time our transportation was going to be ready, I had to find Erz first, found her at a bookstore, unlikely since she really did not care much for books, but there she was waiting for me, she was coloring with little ones even though she was an adult, (she loved working with kids and I imagine she works with kids now) and then she and I had to find a vehicle to drive, eventually we did and the most lovely part was that I could hear her laugh, she and I laughed in this dream, and her loud laugh is lodged in my heart today. So glad.

[tobyfreefoot]

double post

[tobyfreefoot]

i thought of this song when i read about your dream. it makes me think of all of those who get visits from their angels in their dreams when she sings about that momentary touching of hands. this is an unrehearsed, unpracticed, less perfect than usual performance but that is what makes the passion in it so touchable. wishing you many more visits from your children sherry and hoping all of us receive such a gift this new year. it has a minute of interview at the beginning about roy orbison.

dee too! i just saw your post. so happy for you both!! lovely

[westleysmom]

Dee and Sherry-Your dreams sound like a visit from your angels. I am so glad for you both that they comforted you and didn't upset you. I have dreamt of Westley lately, but what actually happens escapes me. In one he was a little guy and in one he was grown. I miss him so much. I felt like I needed to get away from my grief and there is no escape. January is so hard for me and my reward for making it through December is always January. Today is my friend Susan's son Andrew's angel date. I kept thinking last night that it was the last night three years ago that the boys were both alive and we (she and I) were reasonably happy. I texted her last night and she gave me her traditional happy d*mn new year greeting. She seemed to be doing okay, as okay goes for such as we. Thanks for your kind words, I have missed everyone here and was so sorry to see new parents have lost their sweet angels. I suppose it has always been this way since Adam and Eve lost one of their children, but its still wrong.