Loss of an Adult Child

[cas1984]

Hi , well Brian is so heavy on my mind today, I am trying to stay busy but jut keep sitting down ,, at this rate I will never get my kitchen painted I have a refrigerator and stove coming on Tuesday. and I just cannot get my heart in to what needs to be done. ..

well I was telling you all about the ORANGE signs I have been getting .. well we came home last night and a lady pushing a guy in a wheel chair past our house had a bright orange out fit on pants and top the guy had a white shirt with a huge orange strip? and a little boy riding his bike past the house had a bright orange bike..we just shake our heads .. so I go to the bank today and look down and the guy in front of me had whit tennis shoes with an orange stripe and bright orange laces... is it me? I don't know.... but my family even is noticing it .. It does bring a smile to my face. well thinking of you all today Love Brenda

Brenda, YOUR SON IS HANDSOME & Id love to know what the color means?? Today I FEEL SO DOWN Grinded SO SO DOWN THE TEARS WONT STOP & MY MIND CANT FOCUS. I CRY EVERYDAY LIKE A BABY BUT TODAY OH MY GOD! ITS OUR ANNIVERSARY ME MY HUSBAND HIM AND HIS WIFE ALL GOT MARRIED THIS DATE 2010 IN VEGAS same time~ I FORGOT!!! HOW CUD I FORGET. I CANT EVEN FOCUS ON TV SHOWS OR CLEANING & MY WHEELCHAIR IS ALMOST DEAD WHEN IT HAD A FULL CHARGE YESTERDAY & I FOUND HIS I DONATED BLOOD BRACELET IN HALLWAY WHEN I PUT THAT AND HIS 10 MONTH OLD BABY OUTFIT ON MY BEAR & THE WATCH HE WAS WEARING THE DAY NITE BEFORE HE LEFT ME. I PUT ALL THAT ON MY BEAR & IT STAYS ON MY HEAD OF THE BED BUT IT WAS IN MY HALLWAY HOW? I do feel like a fish out of water. I wish if God needed another person for whatever he wud take all of us adults ready to go not our kids who have their whole lives & their kids his beautiful baby girl he never gets to see her first day at school her first bf to hate prom dress graduate walk her down the isle see her babies hold my hand when my last heart valve gives out or i dont make it in surgery for total hip replacement . He begged me not to get the valve replacement surgery or total hip replacement in fear i wudnt make it. He said " you are my world i need you mana!" i said why I cant stand or walk anymore.."Why wud u need me anymore?" he said " I'd kill myself if u left me Mama" What made him think I can live without him? I need my Cassidy Lei my punk my iggy my halfbreed my best friend my reason to get out of bed& live really live! Im sry I had so much to say but cant think..

[Angel'sSon]

I wanted to share this song I found on You Tube,

I put this video on my facebook profile in August, dedicated to my son...Jealous Of The Angels!!!!

[Angel'sSon]

It's been a little over a month since my best friend, my son, 30 yrs. old passed away. Each day is getting harder. I think about the moment that my daughter in law came and told me that he was gone. All I could say was, no, no not my son. I was in such shock. The funeral keeps going over and over and I couldn't let go of his hand. The gravesite...to know that my son was being put in the ground and I could never see him again. People say he's in a better place....I don't want to hear that!!!!! I just want this nightmare over and to have my son back. I don't think I've laughed since he passed. At times, I even wait for him to call and say mom, I love you. Omg...He's not going to call. I want him to knock on my door with his wife and baby girl to visit me. I want to be with him, but I know I can't try it again. I'm in a daze, watching T.V. but not paying attention to what's even on. I spend a lot of time on facebook just looking at his pictures, since my counselor to get my son's pictures out of my house for the time being. I can't remember the last time that I cried. Why can't I cry for my son. It makes me feel guilty because I can't cry. To me, that's not normal or is it!!!! I don't know anymore. Like everyone else on here, the pain is almost unbearable. I have to face each day and I don't want to. I need help and all I know to do is write. I have 2 daughters that live out of the state. IWe don't talk that often. My mom lives near me and she said that my son is all she's thinking about. I don't know anymore....Thanks for just letting me vent. I don't know If I even make since!!

[Peanuts mom]

You are making perfect sence to me... For I too lost my 17 yeaer old son a little over a month ago and I am feeling exactly the same way... Angry because there are times when i cant cry... Angry because there are times i cant keep it together... Afraid to smile or laugh for fear that means I am not missing him... Unable to go into his room, touch his things yet i sit and stare at his pictures... Angry that he was taken so soon, angry that I will never be a grandmother, sad because he didnt get a chance to walk across the stage for his highschool graduation or make it to his first day of college... Angry that the other boy who passed in the auto accident parents are wishing to sue me... Angry that I have to go to work every day... Angry because I still dont have answers to my "why"... Yep I know what your feeling...

[ericasmom]

Angel's Son, the video is very emotional, I cried, the song is beautiful. Thanks.

Peanut's Son and Angel- to be one month out means that the shock is still clinging to your lives, it may not seem like it, but it is still there. Not being able to cry and not being able to stop crying are two of the ways most of us were in those first months of life after we lost our Child. There is nothing that makes sense in that time, least of all: time. Still nine years out, time still seems like a concept that tricks me. But those first months and the first two years, time is just crazy. The nights seem at times to be 5 nights long each, while the days are a blur of what we must do. In one moment you say, a lifetime ago/ a month ago and both really apply. Just hang on and keep writing, keep letting your story unwind and you will find in time that it is comforting to share your story and it provides you a way to wrap your brain around the events that brought you to this place.

Blessings- try to sleep some when you can,

hi to those I have not seen for a while----Kate, Sherry, Trudi, Greg, Dan, C.J., Col, Carol, Amy, Betty, Betsy, David, and Leah, Marcia, Bonnie and all the Moms and Dads that have been to this place

[dwwtrucking@hotmail.com]

Today was a good day for me, I wasn't crying when i woke up and I was able to pass a car accident with out having a panic attack. I think reading all of your post and hearing the beautiful thoughts you have is helping cope with life with out my boy. Thaks you all.

[dwwtrucking@hotmail.com]

I do not know if it is normal or not but its the way I behave as well, I too was told to remove my son's things from my home. I could not bring myself to do it. I have a shoe he was wearing when he got pulled from the car....how can i just throw it away...why in the world am I keeping a shoe...the only time i seem to be able to smile is when I see my granddaughter....sometimes i have to tell my self to breath..one breath turns in to two then a minute goes by then two...I don't remember my son's funeral I have a dvd of it. I can bring myself to watch it. I haven't been to his gravesite, I don't want to see his name on a headstone. I too didn't cry at first, now I can't stop crying. every little thing sets me off. My son and I both work graveyard shift he would call me on this lunch hour..I look and the clock and wonder why he didn't call then realize he can't...Its so hard

1348281639' post='91480']

It's been a little over a month since my best friend, my son, 30 yrs. old passed away. Each day is getting harder. I think about the moment that my daughter in law came and told me that he was gone. All I could say was, no, no not my son. I was in such shock. The funeral keeps going over and over and I couldn't let go of his hand. The gravesite...to know that my son was being put in the ground and I could never see him again. People say he's in a better place....I don't want to hear that!!!!! I just want this nightmare over and to have my son back. I don't think I've laughed since he passed. At times, I even wait for him to call and say mom, I love you. Omg...He's not going to call. I want him to knock on my door with his wife and baby girl to visit me. I want to be with him, but I know I can't try it again. I'm in a daze, watching T.V. but not paying attention to what's even on. I spend a lot of time on facebook just looking at his pictures, since my counselor to get my son's pictures out of my house for the time being. I can't remember the last time that I cried. Why can't I cry for my son. It makes me feel guilty because I can't cry. To me, that's not normal or is it!!!! I don't know anymore. Like everyone else on here, the pain is almost unbearable. I have to face each day and I don't want to. I need help and all I know to do is write. I have 2 daughters that live out of the state. IWe don't talk that often. My mom lives near me and she said that my son is all she's thinking about. I don't know anymore....Thanks for just letting me vent. I don't know If I even make since!!

[Susie_q512]

Thanks to all who remembered my girl on the 20th. It has been a difficult time, but I have had signs and laughter during these past few days. Took Ragan, her best friend, and Shannon's best friend to Florida. I didn't sleep at all the night of the 19th. We arrived at around 2 am on the 20th. Got checked in and unloaded, and then I stepped out onto the balcony. I began speaking to Shannon, and as I looked up into the night sky, I saw a shooting star. I sat on the beach during the night and watched the sunrise. I walked on the beach and found several large shells. I found a broken shell in the shape of a heart, and areas in the sand in the faint shapes of hearts. I drew her name in the sand and let the waves roll over my feet. I saw dolphins. I laughed as I remembered her and our times at the beach. I stood where she could no longer stand. I opened my senses and prayed that she was with me and able to experience the things I was experiencing.....the sounds, the sights, the feel of it all. That night, I went to the hot tub. At one point I noticed that a beautiful monarch type butterfly was hanging out with me on a lounge chair near me. A beautiful butterfly at midnight!!!!! It stayed with me for about 20 or 30 minutes. Maybe it was just a strange occurrance, but I like to believe it was my girl giving me an incredible sign. I am thankful for the signs, for her life, for the love and relationship that we shared. I so wish that things could be different. I miss her so very much, and I still shutter at the thought that she has been taken from me, that this has actually happened. I am doubtful that I will ever accept it or find genuine peace.....it is simply too great to comprehend.....maybe at some later point, but not right now. Many feel that I will never accept it, that I will always struggle against the absolute.....I probably will. My appetite is horrible, and I've lost so much weight.....down to 117 lbs and trying desperately not to lose anymore. None of my clothes fit anymore......as a matter of fact, I had to bring some of her clothes with me to wear. I'm lucky if I sleep 3 hours at night. I dream of her every night......sometimes I am seeing her a various ages, but mostly I am searching for her......it's torment. My life has completely collapsed, and I often question my sanity. I'm just impatiently waiting for the day that I will be reunited with her.

For those new to this journey, my heart to each of you. Praying that the love, support, understanding and encouragement of those on this site will be a balm to your broken hearts.

[Vijayabanu]

Hello! I just joined the site today. I myself is going through the same type of emotions as u. I lost my 20 year old son who drowned in a lake.....Its 99 days to this day and I am totally lost. life is meaning less. no purpose.no joy.. no will to live.. Just going through the motions of day to day routine like a Robot. at times I really wish the world ends on 21st Dec 2012...so that we can be out of this place called hell..

Thanks to all who remembered my girl on the 20th. It has been a difficult time, but I have had signs and laughter during these past few days. Took Ragan, her best friend, and Shannon's best friend to Florida. I didn't sleep at all the night of the 19th. We arrived at around 2 am on the 20th. Got checked in and unloaded, and then I stepped out onto the balcony. I began speaking to Shannon, and as I looked up into the night sky, I saw a shooting star. I sat on the beach during the night and watched the sunrise. I walked on the beach and found several large shells. I found a broken shell in the shape of a heart, and areas in the sand in the faint shapes of hearts. I drew her name in the sand and let the waves roll over my feet. I saw dolphins. I laughed as I remembered her and our times at the beach. I stood where she could no longer stand. I opened my senses and prayed that she was with me and able to experience the things I was experiencing.....the sounds, the sights, the feel of it all. That night, I went to the hot tub. At one point I noticed that a beautiful monarch type butterfly was hanging out with me on a lounge chair near me. A beautiful butterfly at midnight!!!!! It stayed with me for about 20 or 30 minutes. Maybe it was just a strange occurrance, but I like to believe it was my girl giving me an incredible sign. I am thankful for the signs, for her life, for the love and relationship that we shared. I so wish that things could be different. I miss her so very much, and I still shutter at the thought that she has been taken from me, that this has actually happened. I am doubtful that I will ever accept it or find genuine peace.....it is simply too great to comprehend.....maybe at some later point, but not right now. Many feel that I will never accept it, that I will always struggle against the absolute.....I probably will. My appetite is horrible, and I've lost so much weight.....down to 117 lbs and trying desperately not to lose anymore. None of my clothes fit anymore......as a matter of fact, I had to bring some of her clothes with me to wear. I'm lucky if I sleep 3 hours at night. I dream of her every night......sometimes I am seeing her a various ages, but mostly I am searching for her......it's torment. My life has completely collapsed, and I often question my sanity. I'm just impatiently waiting for the day that I will be reunited with her.

For those new to this journey, my heart to each of you. Praying that the love, support, understanding and encouragement of those on this site will be a balm to your broken hearts.

[Sholl1955]

Hard day.. My emotions are out of control today. Missing my Sarah and it is all probably intesified as my brother is in California and dying. He most likely will take his last breath within the next 24 hours. We were close as kids, but he has lived in California since he graduated high school, so didn't get to see he and his family frequently in our adult years. I think I am just a huge mess today.

[ericasmom]

Banu, I wish you never had to know of a place such as this, but since you do, it is a good place to land. I am sorry that your precious Son died and I know how hard these days have been. Hold on to us here as we really do get what this is; to grieve and mourn our Babies. There are no wrong ways to grieve as long as you are not hurting yourself. Tell us more when you are able. My Girl died over 9 years ago, there are no easy days in the first year or so, but take heart, you will one day feel less sharp to the pain. Promise.

Sarah's Mom, I am so sorry that your Brother is dying. It brings forth so much when we lose folks after we lose our Child. I am sorry too, that your Bro was not involved in your lives, I hope that he can be as pain-free as possible.

Peace to All on this Sunny Saturday in Autumn. My Son played baseball earlier today in a big fund-raising event for disabled adults. His team drummed up a huge amount of money and the whole event will have a great donation for the organization. I love the spirit of fund-raisers. The game was good, they have to play again in an hour, double elimination.

[Angel'sSon]

Angel's Son, the video is very emotional, I cried, the song is beautiful. Thanks.

Peanut's Son and Angel- to be one month out means that the shock is still clinging to your lives, it may not seem like it, but it is still there. Not being able to cry and not being able to stop crying are two of the ways most of us were in those first months of life after we lost our Child. There is nothing that makes sense in that time, least of all: time. Still nine years out, time still seems like a concept that tricks me. But those first months and the first two years, time is just crazy. The nights seem at times to be 5 nights long each, while the days are a blur of what we must do. In one moment you say, a lifetime ago/ a month ago and both really apply. Just hang on and keep writing, keep letting your story unwind and you will find in time that it is comforting to share your story and it provides you a way to wrap your brain around the events that brought you to this place.

Blessings- try to sleep some when you can,

hi to those I have not seen for a while----Kate, Sherry, Trudi, Greg, Dan, C.J., Col, Carol, Amy, Betty, Betsy, David, and Leah, Marcia, Bonnie and all the Moms and Dads that have been to this place

I've felt like I'm still in shock, but for you to say it makes me feel like it's normal. For the times that I feel like I'm going to lose it, I have to keep thinking about my family. I found out that my son's friend died last night. He and my son lived in another state when they were friends. There was a fight and his friend was shot and killed. I have that to think about now. It's so unreal how someone close to you can be here one minute and gone the next. I will keep writing about what comes to my mind even tho it may not make sense to me.

[Sholl1955]

My brother died at 2:30. Even though we have been separated by miles our adult life, it does hurt. Sarah is now able to spend time with her Uncle.

[ericasmom]

Pain in our losses, may you somehow get a message that your Bro met up with his Sweet Angel Niece. Prayer.

ANGEL Son, So sorry that your Son's friend was killed, and in so senseless a manner, by the bullet of someone's anger. It is far too easy to kill these days rather than use words when we are angry. So many shootings every night in Chicago these days...far too easy to express one's anger with a gun. Your Son will greet his Friend, they will be together again now.

[iamtups4]

I am glad to hear you had a good day. I still haven't brought myself to go past teh site of my sons accident, and I dread the day I will need to. I hope for more good days for you.

Today was a good day for me, I wasn't crying when i woke up and I was able to pass a car accident with out having a panic attack. I think reading all of your post and hearing the beautiful thoughts you have is helping cope with life with out my boy. Thaks you all.

[iamtups4]

What a beautiful girl! And I'm so glad she sent you a sign in the form of that beautiful butterfly! I know the anniversary had to be terrible for you and I'm glad you chose to share it with her friend Ragan.

Thanks to all who remembered my girl on the 20th. It has been a difficult time, but I have had signs and laughter during these past few days. Took Ragan, her best friend, and Shannon's best friend to Florida. I didn't sleep at all the night of the 19th. We arrived at around 2 am on the 20th. Got checked in and unloaded, and then I stepped out onto the balcony. I began speaking to Shannon, and as I looked up into the night sky, I saw a shooting star. I sat on the beach during the night and watched the sunrise. I walked on the beach and found several large shells. I found a broken shell in the shape of a heart, and areas in the sand in the faint shapes of hearts. I drew her name in the sand and let the waves roll over my feet. I saw dolphins. I laughed as I remembered her and our times at the beach. I stood where she could no longer stand. I opened my senses and prayed that she was with me and able to experience the things I was experiencing.....the sounds, the sights, the feel of it all. That night, I went to the hot tub. At one point I noticed that a beautiful monarch type butterfly was hanging out with me on a lounge chair near me. A beautiful butterfly at midnight!!!!! It stayed with me for about 20 or 30 minutes. Maybe it was just a strange occurrance, but I like to believe it was my girl giving me an incredible sign. I am thankful for the signs, for her life, for the love and relationship that we shared. I so wish that things could be different. I miss her so very much, and I still shutter at the thought that she has been taken from me, that this has actually happened. I am doubtful that I will ever accept it or find genuine peace.....it is simply too great to comprehend.....maybe at some later point, but not right now. Many feel that I will never accept it, that I will always struggle against the absolute.....I probably will. My appetite is horrible, and I've lost so much weight.....down to 117 lbs and trying desperately not to lose anymore. None of my clothes fit anymore......as a matter of fact, I had to bring some of her clothes with me to wear. I'm lucky if I sleep 3 hours at night. I dream of her every night......sometimes I am seeing her a various ages, but mostly I am searching for her......it's torment. My life has completely collapsed, and I often question my sanity. I'm just impatiently waiting for the day that I will be reunited with her.

For those new to this journey, my heart to each of you. Praying that the love, support, understanding and encouragement of those on this site will be a balm to your broken hearts.

[shorty16]

I just had to reply!!

"people" are telling us we "Should get our kids stuff out" that we should "do this" and should "do that". I even had a women tell me I should exercise more!!! I had no energy to do anything - let alone exercise!.

You do what you want to do!!! You keep his/her things as long as you want.

Our 16 year old son, Brian was killed 6-19-2008.

Our 14 year old took Brian's bed and most of his cloths, but the other kids used Brian's room as a hang-out and having a bed in there was not a good parental decision. Therefore, we did have to move some things.

Please do what you and your family want to do - Not what the rest of the world thinks you should. The rest of the world is moving forward and our lives have stopped. We are going into a new life kicking and screaming - that takes a while to get used to.

Love to all

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Angel'sSon]

Pain in our losses, may you somehow get a message that your Bro met up with his Sweet Angel Niece. Prayer.

ANGEL Son, So sorry that your Son's friend was killed, and in so senseless a manner, by the bullet of someone's anger. It is far too easy to kill these days rather than use words when we are angry. So many shootings every night in Chicago these days...far too easy to express one's anger with a gun. Your Son will greet his Friend, they will be together again now.

Yes, my son and his friend are together now. That's about the only good thing about it. As of now, I just feel like I'm in a daze! Still so many questions and no answers. A little over 5 weeks since my son passed away. I miss him more since football season has started. We had our teams and would kid around with each other about who would win.

[Angel'sSon]

I just had to reply!!

"people" are telling us we "Should get our kids stuff out" that we should "do this" and should "do that". I even had a women tell me I should exercise more!!! I had no energy to do anything - let alone exercise!.

You do what you want to do!!! You keep his/her things as long as you want.

Our 16 year old son, Brian was killed 6-19-2008.

Our 14 year old took Brian's bed and most of his cloths, but the other kids used Brian's room as a hang-out and having a bed in there was not a good parental decision. Therefore, we did have to move some things.

Please do what you and your family want to do - Not what the rest of the world thinks you should. The rest of the world is moving forward and our lives have stopped. We are going into a new life kicking and screaming - that takes a while to get used to.

Love to all

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

You are so right about how our lives have stopped. It's been a little over 5 weeks since my son has been gone. I'm tired of people saying I need to get out of the house. My son's pictures may not be here, but I can still look on facebook and look at them. Now, dealing with the loss of my son's friend last night. I feel drained just wore out mentally!!

[summergirl]

Hello my friends...long time since I have been here to visit but as always I keep you in my thoughts and prayers

Colleen - Thanks for telling it like it is...I still have a lot of things of Jessica's....clothes packed in totes, her shoes, boots, hats....I have her bag as it was that last night, her wallet and all still inside. They are what I have, her pictures, her journals, all of the little notes she wrote that I found...I will never get rid of any of it. I believe NO ONE should tell anyone what to do with their child's stuff....they have no idea what it is like to grab a sweater she wore and hold it close to me, to wrap myself in her quilt and feel as though she is hugging me...Over 6 years without her and not a day goes by that I do not look at something that belonged to her

I have been very busy with work, Tavian going back to school and fall arriving....not looking forward to the winter time, the holidays (does not get easier) but will deal as I always do.

We have been enjoying camping alot this summer and will be going again Colombus weekend....not at the beach but another place we go to in the fall days. Then it will be time to winterize the camper - time goes to fast

I wish I did not see so many "new" to this site but I am so very happy they have found the place to be to find the strength, love, support, wisdom and all of the things I found when I first came here....I will always be a part of this family....Love, strength and peace to all - Kathy, Jessica's mom always and forever

Tavian fishing a couple of weeks ago....

Tavian with his new hair cut !!! He looks so adorable....love this boy

[ericasmom]

Kathy, love the haircut on Tav. Glad to see that you are continuing with camping when the weather and holidays allow. It is good to feed the soul in the things we love.

Col, I so agree with Kath, good for you to say it as it is. Nobody, least of all therapists should be telling us to get rid of reminders of our Child. Those tangibles are the touchstones of our Babies. Maybe to others these items, these photos hold us back, but really, BACK FROM WHAT? Do they think that we will not feel the missing if the photos are not about? Ridiculous. I hope that all new to this place understand one thing...there are no wrong ways to grieve and grieving takes huge amounts of energy and time. We know.

Susan, I am so glad for the butterfly at night, for Shannon to be able to let you know in the most lovely way that she is near you in all the ways she can be now. Peace one day Dear.

[iamtups4]

I'm so sorry to hear this, so much sadness for you and your family.

My brother died at 2:30. Even though we have been separated by miles our adult life, it does hurt. Sarah is now able to spend time with her Uncle.

[iamtups4]

Thank you Colleen, you are so right. We decide what's good for us and its not like removing pictures can ever remove the memories of our babies sweet faces from our minds. I would rather look at pictures of good times and Q smiling or being kooky than to walk past his empty bedroom which cannot be removed.

I think for me its my own "shoulds" that are weighing me down. I should go back to work. I should try not to cry in case one of my guys walk in the door, I should answer texts, calls and cards. I should call my mom. I should clean the bathroom.

Mary

I just had to reply!!

"people" are telling us we "Should get our kids stuff out" that we should "do this" and should "do that". I even had a women tell me I should exercise more!!! I had no energy to do anything - let alone exercise!.

You do what you want to do!!! You keep his/her things as long as you want.

Our 16 year old son, Brian was killed 6-19-2008.

Our 14 year old took Brian's bed and most of his cloths, but the other kids used Brian's room as a hang-out and having a bed in there was not a good parental decision. Therefore, we did have to move some things.

Please do what you and your family want to do - Not what the rest of the world thinks you should. The rest of the world is moving forward and our lives have stopped. We are going into a new life kicking and screaming - that takes a while to get used to.

Love to all

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

Q's Mom, crying is normal in this new unnatural place you find yourself. It is fine to cry in front of others, perhaps showing them that it is okay for them too. Should you go back to work? Only going and seeing if it feels okay is the answer. Many of us had to go back due to financial issues, but if there is a way in which to work less and be given some breaks when you first go back, then all the better. Some here found that they could no longer do the job that they were doing, some worked with their bosses to reduce hours for a time. Do what feels like it is manageable because as we will keep saying, grieving is work, it takes energy and it cannot be put to the side for long, it is something that must be gone through. As far as the bathroom, yes, one day you can clean it and it may feel good to get that done, but boy, it is hard to muster any kind of energy for cleaning when you are hurting so badly. Try to get out in the air each day, even ten minutes if you can to get some vitamin d in your body, and to hear birds, to feel the wind and the sun light. The more time in nature, the calmer our hearts.

[ericasmom]

A song by a band I love, Mumford and Sons

You were cold as the blood through your bones

And the light which led us from our chosen homes

Well I was lost

And now I sleep

Sleep the hours and that I don't weep

When all I knew was steeped in blackened holes

I was lost

Keep the earth below my feet

For all my sweat, my blood runs weak

Let me learn from where I have been

Keep my eyes to serve and hands to learn

Keep my eyes to serve and hands to learn

So I was still

I was under your spell

When I was told by Jesus all was well

So all must be well

Just give me time

You know your desires and mine

Wrap my flesh in ivory and in twine

For I must be well

Keep the earth below my feet

For all my sweat, my blood runs weak

Let me learn from where I have been

So keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn

Well keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn

Keep the earth below my feet

For all my sweat, my blood runs weak

Let me learn from where I have been

Keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn

Keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn

[ericasmom]

[mikesmomrs]

Hello to my Indigo family...I've not been posting lately, have mostly been trying to cope with the everyday need to breathe, as well as all of the legal responsibilities that come with losing your spouse and having to change everything over, etc. I feel as though I have been erasing his existence from the world, as each day I go someplace else where I am told that I need to take his name off of something. My daughter Kim is still here with me, blessedly, but will have to be returning to her home in VA soon. I've not been anywhere by myself yet, and I don't know how I will move out of this house once she is gone home.

I see so many new people here and am so very, very sorry for all of your losses. The struggle is daily, sometimes minute by minute, and I am so glad that you have found this site. I joined this forum in November of 2006, just a month or so after our son, Mike, died of brain cancer on October 14th. The comfort and understanding offered here helped me through those horrific first days, months, and actually, yes, years. Those first two years can be the hardest, and for me it seemed that the second year was the hardest of all. I think Dee has said it many times...it is then that the shock begins to wear off (though it can happen earlier) and the reality of what has happened begins to sink in and grab hold of our strength and sap it away. We tend to operate on "auto pilot" for some time and when that goes away, we find ourselves floundering mightily.

Those of us who have been here for a longer time have learned from each other, have comforted each other, have understood each other, and have listened to each other. That is what is found here...comfort, understanding, listening without judgment, and in some instances, we have found or provided teaching. This family has helped me through these last six years, and now I find that I am beginning a new journey of sorrow...that of losing my husband and Mike's dad, begun on August 30th.

I know that many of you who have recently come here wonder if you are feeling and thinking and doing what is "normal" in these circumstances. Things will never be "normal" again, and so whatever it takes for you to move through this grief becomes a new normal for us. We find our own path, and we learn that unless one has walked this particular path, the understanding can many times be non-existent. Things are said, or not said, as the case may be, that hurt us, that leave us bewildered and questioning our own sanity...but please know that many times, when faced with saying something to someone who has just lost a child, people just don't know what to say, and sometimes will say something totally inappropriate or even sometimes hurtful. We've spoken sometimes of compiling a book titled "Oh, no, you didn't just say that," when we speak of some of the crazy things people will say to us. It helps to "air' those feelings about the words spoken to us in an effort to console or comfort us but wind up causing us more pain than we already have. I don't know how many times since my husband has died that I've heard "He's in a better place." I am NOT ready to hear that yet. I may never be. Of course, I KNOW that he is in a "better place." He is not in pain any longer. He no longer wonders when he is going to die. I KNOW that, but it doesn't make it any easier. It didn't make it any easier when I was told the same thing about young Mike when he died.

I know that right now I am rambling, and I apologize for that. It is 2 am, it has been a long day and I just felt the need to come on and write to you all, making that connection again, allowing myself to seek comfort from those who know me, those who have been here a long time. And, hopefully, soon, I will be able to offer comfort to those of you who are new here, to offer some support to you. For now, I must say that I am glad that you found this site, but so very sorry that you had a reason to look for it. Eventually, I will remember your names and your children's names, but for now, I will just say "welcome to all of those who are new," and offer my heart to you, keep you in my prayers, and hold you close in thought.

I know that my husband is now with our son, and I know that together they are watching over me, surrounding me with their sweet spirits and their love. The latest sign I have seen was this morning, when I left to go to church, I noticed another "two new blooms" on another plant by our front door. It has not bloomed a single flower all summer, and this morning, there were two new blooms on it, purple, and sweet to look at and be reminded that I am not alone. I will post the picture I took of them.

I say hello again to those who have been here a while; Dee, Kathy, Sherry, Rhonda, Betsy, Colleen, Trudi, and many others I am not remembering right now. Please forgive my memory; it has not been working very well this past month. You are all in my heart, always. And in my prayers, always.

love to you all, Carol mikesmomrs

[ericasmom]

Carol, even when you are under the duress of loss, you are helping others. It is in your DNA, you developed this way, the nurturer and the hand that reaches out. I know that in my early grief with ERi's loss and yours with Mike's, we noticed so many parents that wanted to scream, " She did LIVE, I didn't make her up, SHE WAS HERE!" I felt that after about a month of signing papers and then another few months of legal issues and death certificates, and for us, several years in the courts, we wanted folks to remember ERICA as alive and well, laughing and part of the everyday. That she would diminish into the yesterday felt so debilitating. Those who know you, know Ralph/Mike, know his contributions here, know his life makes a difference each day, for you, for the kids, the grandies, your friends, and signing all of these documents that register his date of departure are simply that. You register his life each day and the kids stories, memories, and their DNA register him as ALIVE AND WELL in so many ways.

Peace and lovely that two blooms greeted you today. Mike and Mike.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

51 weeks today, Jared. ♥ U Infinity, miss U so much...

[westleysmom]

Carol-I was so glad to see your post today. I think of you everyday and the rest of the family too.

Kathy-Good to see you too and the pics of Tavian. I was just telling somebody how I can't seem to get my house cleaned up because when I start, I find things that were Westley's and I come unglued and have to put it all away. I had a bin that I had put his baby things in, the clothes I brought him home from the hospital in and some baby shoes and his basketball uniforms from grade school. A hat my BIL brought him one time that was lime green that he wore almost until it was so small it seemed it would cut off the circulation to his head! My husband always said that before he quit wearing it, you could almost have picked him up by the hat bill. I had bought him some aftershave for Christmas in 2009 that he liked and I used to go in his room and spray a little and close my eyes and inhale the smell and remember him wearing it. I hardly go in there anymore, it just hurts too badly. I suppose some day somebody will have to do something with his things, but I haven't yet and I don't know that I ever will.

Haven't been posting much, lots of work and not much time. Been in kind of a blue mood, this time of year marks the time when things seemed to be spiraling down toward the end and I remember so many things that happened and wonder why I didn't do something to stop it. What I could have done that would have made a difference or what I did that I shouldn't have. Just very sad and tired.

Very sorry to see so many new people on here, so sorry for your losses. It helps to talk to those who understand what you are going through, although it doesn't change what happened. If anybody figures out how to do that, sign me up.

[Guest]

.

[Jeff's Mom]

Just stopping in to say that I am thinking of everyone each and every day. I am particularly sad to see the new ones that have joined this forum as we all know what that means. Thanks, to all of you... for your concern. I have been doing alright...just taking a little break for a bit. I am keeping really busy with many different activities. Also, trying to get my yard in order for the upcoming winter months. Our weather has been wonderful for this time of year and so it is a pleasure to be able to spend so much time outdoors just soaking up the sunshine, etc. The trees are just spectacular this last week. A pallette of brilliant oranges, reds, and yellows. Today as I was working in my garden the largest flock of geese that I had ever seen flew over and they were so low I could almost have reached up and grabbed one! I can't believe that Thanksgiving is in just two weeks. We celebrated our Harvest service at our small local church yesterday. The ladies gathered on Saturday to decorate the church for the occasion. It was just lovely.

Good news about our little friend Jenelle that had been in the plane crash. She is now home for a few weeks before they begin plastic surgery. Her family are indeed delighted to have her back home as you would expect. This time will help to build her morale up as she will be surrounded by her loving parents and friends.

My dog Annie is still clipping along. Actually doing great! Just this time last year I thought she was a goner. A huge amount of TLC and the efforts of a great team of Vets has bought her a full year of quality time. Her blindness has not held her back one little bit this past few months. She makes her way around the house like a real trooper. And my friend Mary is holding her own. I am finally starting to make headway in losing the weight the Doc asked me too. Also, changed my hair style and livened it up with a new colour. Just slowly finding my way again. So, much to be thankful for at this time.

Thinking of everyone. Hugs to you all. Take care.

Love, Kate

[mom24]

Hi there. Haven't posted since July. Just wanted to still be connected. I am still here and check in without posting from time to time. It's still comforting to come and read/identify with all of you. Only we can truly understand one another. I am sorry to see newbies....... Just reminds I am not the only one in the world dealing with pain of loss. My oldest son died Novemer 5 2011. Life hasn't been the same since. What are your thoughts on Theresa from the show "Long Island Medium"? I am seriously thinking of going to a show, but don't want to do the "wrong thing" according to scripture. She seems to give so much comfort and mentions God. Any thoughts?

[ericasmom]

Kate, lovely to see you today and find out that you are doing well. I am glad for the weather allowing for your outdoor time, I love autumn, except for the lack of sunlight at the end of the day. Taking a break is sometimes the only way to get back to a balance that sometimes get lost when you are immersed as we get into the losses of others. It is both the reason for healing for so many, but can be overwhelming too and so taking a break is good. I did that at about the three year mark, I was just overwhelmed and had lost several friends in the three years after Eri dying, I just could not deal with more for a time. then I was able to come back renewed in some ways and ready to pick up again. We must follow our own path.

Lora, The scholarship event sounds like a huge success and so nicely done. The way the kids remember Cara will go a long way to helping your heart find its new shape. How lovely that the money earned that night, that lovely night, will serve others in Cara's spirit and name. She must be so proud of you and the school for standing where she no longer can. She does sit beside you and smile I am sure. Glad that you liked that song, I think it is really strong and it speaks to my daily prayers, let me serve and let me learn.

Rachel, glad taht you still come and that you read and gain some comfort. I have watched the most unlikely medium as well and am amazed at the ways she touches folks. I cry and cry at her ability to touch the hearts of folks like us. I don't think that God would ever mind your seeking another way to communicate with your Boy.

[Angel'sSon]

Rachael, I was just talking to someone else on here about seeking a medium. I don't think God would think of it as being wrong. I did years back and I could not believe that the things she was saying was so correct. With my son being gone a little over a month now. I want the why did he shoot himself answered. He was such a family man and had everything going for him. I was very close to my son and it hurts so bad. I'm still in a daze about what happened and It hurts so bad!!!! My family is telling my I need to get on with my life!!!! Leave me alone and let me greive. That's the way I see it!!!!

[Jeff's Mom]

Hello to my Indigo family...I've not been posting lately, have mostly been trying to cope with the everyday need to breathe, as well as all of the legal responsibilities that come with losing your spouse and having to change everything over, etc. I feel as though I have been erasing his existence from the world, as each day I go someplace else where I am told that I need to take his name off of something. My daughter Kim is still here with me, blessedly, but will have to be returning to her home in VA soon. I've not been anywhere by myself yet, and I don't know how I will move out of this house once she is gone home.

I see so many new people here and am so very, very sorry for all of your losses. The struggle is daily, sometimes minute by minute, and I am so glad that you have found this site. I joined this forum in November of 2006, just a month or so after our son, Mike, died of brain cancer on October 14th. The comfort and understanding offered here helped me through those horrific first days, months, and actually, yes, years. Those first two years can be the hardest, and for me it seemed that the second year was the hardest of all. I think Dee has said it many times...it is then that the shock begins to wear off (though it can happen earlier) and the reality of what has happened begins to sink in and grab hold of our strength and sap it away. We tend to operate on "auto pilot" for some time and when that goes away, we find ourselves floundering mightily.

Those of us who have been here for a longer time have learned from each other, have comforted each other, have understood each other, and have listened to each other. That is what is found here...comfort, understanding, listening without judgment, and in some instances, we have found or provided teaching. This family has helped me through these last six years, and now I find that I am beginning a new journey of sorrow...that of losing my husband and Mike's dad, begun on August 30th.

I know that many of you who have recently come here wonder if you are feeling and thinking and doing what is "normal" in these circumstances. Things will never be "normal" again, and so whatever it takes for you to move through this grief becomes a new normal for us. We find our own path, and we learn that unless one has walked this particular path, the understanding can many times be non-existent. Things are said, or not said, as the case may be, that hurt us, that leave us bewildered and questioning our own sanity...but please know that many times, when faced with saying something to someone who has just lost a child, people just don't know what to say, and sometimes will say something totally inappropriate or even sometimes hurtful. We've spoken sometimes of compiling a book titled "Oh, no, you didn't just say that," when we speak of some of the crazy things people will say to us. It helps to "air' those feelings about the words spoken to us in an effort to console or comfort us but wind up causing us more pain than we already have. I don't know how many times since my husband has died that I've heard "He's in a better place." I am NOT ready to hear that yet. I may never be. Of course, I KNOW that he is in a "better place." He is not in pain any longer. He no longer wonders when he is going to die. I KNOW that, but it doesn't make it any easier. It didn't make it any easier when I was told the same thing about young Mike when he died.

I know that right now I am rambling, and I apologize for that. It is 2 am, it has been a long day and I just felt the need to come on and write to you all, making that connection again, allowing myself to seek comfort from those who know me, those who have been here a long time. And, hopefully, soon, I will be able to offer comfort to those of you who are new here, to offer some support to you. For now, I must say that I am glad that you found this site, but so very sorry that you had a reason to look for it. Eventually, I will remember your names and your children's names, but for now, I will just say "welcome to all of those who are new," and offer my heart to you, keep you in my prayers, and hold you close in thought.

I know that my husband is now with our son, and I know that together they are watching over me, surrounding me with their sweet spirits and their love. The latest sign I have seen was this morning, when I left to go to church, I noticed another "two new blooms" on another plant by our front door. It has not bloomed a single flower all summer, and this morning, there were two new blooms on it, purple, and sweet to look at and be reminded that I am not alone. I will post the picture I took of them.

I say hello again to those who have been here a while; Dee, Kathy, Sherry, Rhonda, Betsy, Colleen, Trudi, and many others I am not remembering right now. Please forgive my memory; it has not been working very well this past month. You are all in my heart, always. And in my prayers, always.

love to you all, Carol mikesmomrs

Carol, it is good to see your post. Thanks for your picture. The blooms are lovely! As far as people not quite getting it right.... I have reached the point that it no longer matters. I frequently shake my head as to the empty comments. I try to think that they are in their own way making an attempt to help. But it often is just empty phrases that are not carefully thought through. This latest for me was asking if I was ok as I am not quite myself this past while??? I had to shake my head as if I could not understand how they could think that I could ever be the same again. This is a journey that I would not honestly wish on my worst enemy. Yes, we will forever be altered in our personalitites and way of life after this. But we will survive. We will. We are stronger then we ever could have imagined.

I hope that you are trying to take care of yourself. Are you sleeping ok? I am glad you are not alone at this point to deal with all of the necessary legal issues. You have been through so much these past few years. I can not begin to imagine how tired you must be. You are in my prayers and thoughts every day. Hang in there.

Kate

[Guest]

....

[briansdad]

I feel like this some days.

[westleysmom]

Greg-I know September is a hard month for you, but can't remember if it is Brian's angel month or his birthday month. Sorry you're feeling so down.

[ericasmom]

Greg, one of ;my favorite albums ever...such a good song to express the angst and ache. Thank heavens we live in a culture that allows these aches out in song and word and art of all kinds.

Peace to you sweet Greg.

[daveydow1]

So very sorry to see new parents coming onto BI, and sorry for your loss of

your beloved child. Peace & prayers to all.

[Angel'sSon]

I'm feeling so lost today. I want my son back and I know that's not possible. Just a bad day all the way around!!!!

[ericasmom]

Hang On Angel's son. You are brand new to this path even though it is an unthinkable amount of days without your Boy. We begin to feel like soldiers, we have gone through too much and know that we cannot change what has happened but we are still marching, we still are here. All we can tell you at this juncture is to hang on and know that the long days and nights of this time will one day deliver you to a way to live in YOUR SON"S light.

Sherry, I think of all these new to this loss and remember meeting you here nine years ago. I am grateful for your comfort along this time.

[tobyfreefoot]

I feel like this some days.

Beautiful haven't heard in a long time. this is the first concert i ever went to. it was 1970 and i was 14 years old.

[Jeff's Mom]

Just stopping by to say that I am thinking of everyone on this journey...both new and old. I think of you all each day and keep you in my prayers and thoughts.

Kate

[ericasmom]

Gretchen we are the same age. 14 years old in 1970. AH, the music.

[daveydow1]

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY, DAVEY.

........... IN THE ARMS OF THE ANGELS.

[daveydow1]

Dee----It's been a long 9 years for us. Thanks for your kind words. Everyone here on BI

has given strength, courage, and inspiration, along with love and humor along the way.

It has been a lifeline. Peace & comfort to all INDIGOS.

[ericasmom]

DAVEY,

the winds blow and your Momma and Dad feel you there, wrapping around them no matter the season, but especially today, especially this day that brought you to them. Their Autumn Boy. They love you forever but I know you know that, just as they know you love them for all of space and time.

Happy Birthday Sweet

DAVEY

Davey

DAVEY

[mikesmomrs]

davey, DAVEY, davey...surround your sweet momma and dad with your blessed spirit, and as you celebrate your birthday with all of our angels, let some of that love fall down around them and comfort them.

Sherry: My heart holds you close, and my prayers are with you. So sorry this is so late today. Love to you, dear. (I so hope it was okay for me to post this picture.) I had done some restoration work on it quite a while ago, but can't remember if I sent it to you or not. Please let me know if you want me to delete it.)