Loss of an Adult Child

[Susie_q512]

The 1 year mark is approaching, and I am lost in memories of those last days and hours with Shannon. I'm stuck for sure, somewhere in that space between logical understanding and heart understanding....my heart continues to deny, to resist the truth....guess I'm just not ready? Or maybe it's my defense? I don't know what to do on the 20th. How do I acknowledge the worst day of my life, the loss of Shannon, the loss and collapse of everything??? I am so weary and discouraged....I have no confidence that I can do this....I have no desire to do this. I want to give up and give in, but I have others who love and need me, so I feel obligated to stay in this hell.....and I resent it so much. The intense anger has subsided to some degree, but I am despondent, hopeless and lifeless. Shannon was my life, my future, my best friend, everything I loved and valued packed into that body and spirit that I so adore. I am truly lost without her....floundering like a fish out of water

[ericasmom]

susan, while it will not make you feel differently, it may just give you a bit of a buffer to know that where you are, what you are feeeling is very much akin to what we have felt when approaching that horrid day, that day that turned our lives inside out. The saddest day of our lives is the day we lost our Babies. Nothing can ever change that sad fact but one day you may have a stronger sense of hope again. The first year is pretty hard to find hope for many but slowly slowly you may begin to make some small gains in that direction. I have hope for you to have some happiness in your heart again one day. One day and whenever that is and whereever you are when that begins, your Girl will be smiling that gorgeous smile and you will feel her light on you. AS far as what to do that day, the 20th, I often keep that actual day to myself and have our yearly gathering either right before or right after the actual date. I oftenb spend a good portion of that actual day graveside or somewhere she and I found special. Balloon launch or plant a tree or bulbs for next spring...something that grows may feel good.

[jennifersmom]

Thank you Sandy. I am so sorry for the loss of your precious daughter. It looks like they were also the same age. Jennifer had just turned 33 in December. I read somewhere that the 6 month hits hard because the shock has worn off. For me the shock has worn off but I still find myself thinking all the time I still cannot believe this has happened and I agree, with each day that passes I miss my baby girl more and more. We were so, so close and now its a struggle to keep myself somewhat busy especially because Jennifer and I spent so much time together. I don't work and this is the second semester I have sat out from school because my concentration is not there and my sleeping is so messed up. I usually don't fall asleep until 3 or 4 am. Please tell me when you are able how your precious daughter passed.

Take care

Robin

Robin, Your daughter and mine died on the same day. Yes I feel and understand the same pain you are dealing with. Sarah too was my best friend. I miss her more everyday and the 6 month mark is hard. Actuallly every day is hard. We have to go on one day at a time and sometimes one minute at a time. It is hard to truly believe it will ever get better, but i cling to the wisdom on this site that it will. Right now it is just getting through each day. You will be in my prayers.

Sandy

[jennifersmom]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious son. I want so bad to believe and I do know as close as Jennifer and I are that she is watching over me. It just sucks so bad cuz all I want to do is see her, feel her and kiss her.

Jennifer's passing was also very sudden. One day she was feeling good, and the next she was gone. Her little body just gave out, she had been sick on and off for 10 months, so many antibiotics that she just didn't have any immune system. I too get so angry and scream why her, she was such a good person, she never hurt anyone. And then there are times when I get angry that the 3 of us couldn't have all gone at the same time.

When she passed the life was just sucked out of me, I feel most days I am just existing.

Take care

Robin

Robins, It's been a month and 2days since my 30 yr. old son passed away. It was so sudden. I'm still in shock and I want him back. My son, Dustin and your daughter Jennifer are watching over us. You have all the emotions that I have with losing my best friend, my son. Right now, at this moment I feel nothing, nothing at all. Then it will hit me later and I might be angry, saying God why my son!!! We are all together here on what we feel. I wanted to be with my son so bad, that I was taken to the hospital and I was almost with him. I hurt my family and friends during this process. I started drinking and couldn't stop for days. It wasn't my time to go. So, now I have scars on the inside and outside too!! Sounds like you have a wonderful husband!! Thanks for posting. It helps me!!!!

[ericasmom]

To my Dear Grieving Friends, I know I have posted this song before but the pain and ache are so palpable tonight that I thought this song may do for your spirit as it does mine.

Eddie Vedder and friends playing a song that allows my tears and my hope to occupy the same space.

[ericasmom]

Pearl Jam Long Road Lyrics

I wished for so long...

I cannot stay

All the precious moments...

Cannot stay

Its not like wings have fallen...

I cannot say

Still something is missing...

I cannot say

Holding hands of daughters and sons

In their phase theyre falling down

Down, down, down

I have wished for so long...

How I wish for you again

Will I walk the long road?

I cannot stay

Theres no need to say goodbye

Oh, the friends and family...

All the memories going round

Round, round round...

I have wished for so long...

How I wished for you today

And the wind keeps rollin

And the sky keeps turning grey

And the sun is set

The sun will rise another day

I have wished for so long...

How I wish for you today

I have wished for so long...

How I wish for you today

Will I walk the long road?

We all walk the long road

[Sholl1955]

Dee, thank you for the song and the lyrics. That is exactly where I am right now as I know are many others. Robin, yes, our girls were the same age. Sarah turned 33 years old on December first. She lost her battle with breast cancer. She was diagnosed in May of 2010 and fought as hard as she could fight and went through alot before her body couldn't fight any longer. We thought she had beat it and she was getting ready to have her reconstruction done they discovered it had spread to her lungs and liver. At that point she went very quickly. We were very close and I miss her in everything that we do.

Tracie, I remember the overwhelming feeling when I started Nursing School (a long time ago:-) Hang in there, you will do fine and get into the chaos of it all. Just from reading your posts it is evident you are going to make a great nurse and we certainly need many more "good" nurses in the profession. Some how I messed up my getting back into my personal messaging ability. If I can get back on I will chat some there too.

I would like to ask those of you who believe in the power of prayer to pray for a friend of my Sarah. They met right after Sarah finished her first chemo. Her name is Megan and she had just been diagnosed She and Sarah became friends quickly and it was like they had been friends forever. They could talk to each other about things only they could understand as they battled this beast together. Megan was right with us as Sarah grew sicker and then after she died. Well, 6 weeks ago she found out her cancer has also spread to her lungs and her brain. She is going through the same downhill spiral as Sarah did. It is like watching the exact same senario all over again. Tonight Megan is very very ill and the doctors do not believe it will be much longer. Please pray that she can be kept as comfortable as possible as she joins our dear children. Also for her mother. She has already lost her son and her husband and this is just so hard for her. Thank you so much. I truly am thankful for finding this group of caring and supportive people who understand when almost everyone in our lives don't get it because they can't and I don't want them to ever have to "get it" I am sorry for this being so long.

Sandy

[Angel'sSon]

My son, 30 yrs. old shot himself one month and 3 days ago. Leaving behind a wife and baby girl. I want to say it was an accident, but he shot himself in the head. He had everything going great for him. I did notice that he had started drinking hard liquour. I have my oldest daughter that lives out of the state not speaking to me and I can't see the grandkids because she didn't have a part in planning the funeral or picking out a headstone. I was told to choose between my her or my daughter in law. I can't do that! The loss of my son is getting harder as each day passes. I've posted several times and it helps to know that I'm not alone. This still doesn't seem real. I can't stand the thought of these different emotions lasting forever. I'm trying to be strong, but It's not too easy. I still just don't want to be anywhere or do anything!!! I just want this nightmare to end!!!

[Angel'sSon]

ericasmom, I've never heard this song. It brings out the tears and so spiritual.

[jennifersmom]

Sandy,

I am so sorry for the cancer that took your baby girl, what a horrible disease. Jennifer turned 33 on December 8. She too had been so ill with pneumonia and 2 blood clots in her lungs and was in the hospital on and off for 4 months. When she was not in the hospital, she had house call nurses and doctors. She was so sick on and off for the last 10 months to the point where she was either at our house (her dad & I) or I was with her at her apartment cuz she needed help just caring for her. The last time she was hospitalized she spent a little over 2 months with us and then I went to her apt and stayed with her for a week. I came home that Saturday to get some stuff done around here as it was my spring break from school. The plan was to go back to her apt Wed and spend a few nights. When I got ready to leave that Sat she asked if I could stay another night and I told her I need to get some stuff done but will come back on Wed. When we talked on Monday she told me she was feeling so much better and then she passed on Wed. I so regret not staying another night or 2 or until Wed. I beat myself up so bad at times, it just kills me. And my husband tells me to stop, I am going to drive myself crazy wishing that I would have stayed longer. I am so grateful we spent so much time together. Even before Jennifer became ill, I would always stay 2 or 3 nights a week to have our girl time and she spent time at the house with us on a regular basis. We always had so much fun together and truly enjoyed hanging out on a regular basis. And even though we did spend so much time together, now that she is gone, I realize how we were always together or making plans to get together. We were best friends, it was always about the 3 of us. Jennifer is our only child. I had a friend ask not long ago if I thought it would be easier if I had more children. I told her I didn't think so cuz each child is unique. Is Sarah your only child? If I may ask, do you have a good support system? It is so, so sad that we meet up on a grieving site but, a bit comforting to know there are mothers who truly understand, truly know how horrible this pain is.

Dee, thank you for the song and the lyrics. That is exactly where I am right now as I know are many others. Robin, yes, our girls were the same age. Sarah turned 33 years old on December first. She lost her battle with breast cancer. She was diagnosed in May of 2010 and fought as hard as she could fight and went through alot before her body couldn't fight any longer. We thought she had beat it and she was getting ready to have her reconstruction done they discovered it had spread to her lungs and liver. At that point she went very quickly. We were very close and I miss her in everything that we do.

Tracie, I remember the overwhelming feeling when I started Nursing School (a long time ago:-) Hang in there, you will do fine and get into the chaos of it all. Just from reading your posts it is evident you are going to make a great nurse and we certainly need many more "good" nurses in the profession. Some how I messed up my getting back into my personal messaging ability. If I can get back on I will chat some there too.

I would like to ask those of you who believe in the power of prayer to pray for a friend of my Sarah. They met right after Sarah finished her first chemo. Her name is Megan and she had just been diagnosed She and Sarah became friends quickly and it was like they had been friends forever. They could talk to each other about things only they could understand as they battled this beast together. Megan was right with us as Sarah grew sicker and then after she died. Well, 6 weeks ago she found out her cancer has also spread to her lungs and her brain. She is going through the same downhill spiral as Sarah did. It is like watching the exact same senario all over again. Tonight Megan is very very ill and the doctors do not believe it will be much longer. Please pray that she can be kept as comfortable as possible as she joins our dear children. Also for her mother. She has already lost her son and her husband and this is just so hard for her. Thank you so much. I truly am thankful for finding this group of caring and supportive people who understand when almost everyone in our lives don't get it because they can't and I don't want them to ever have to "get it" I am sorry for this being so long.

Sandy

[jennifersmom]

your daughter is beautiful. I am thinking of you as you approach the 1 year mark. I don't know the words to express other than I am so sorry for the loss of your precious baby girl. On the 14th, was 6 months since I lost my beautiful baby girl. This road is so painful, and although it just is so bad we have to come to this site, I am a bit comforted to know that there are so many moms on here who truly understand and so caring.

The 1 year mark is approaching, and I am lost in memories of those last days and hours with Shannon. I'm stuck for sure, somewhere in that space between logical understanding and heart understanding....my heart continues to deny, to resist the truth....guess I'm just not ready? Or maybe it's my defense? I don't know what to do on the 20th. How do I acknowledge the worst day of my life, the loss of Shannon, the loss and collapse of everything??? I am so weary and discouraged....I have no confidence that I can do this....I have no desire to do this. I want to give up and give in, but I have others who love and need me, so I feel obligated to stay in this hell.....and I resent it so much. The intense anger has subsided to some degree, but I am despondent, hopeless and lifeless. Shannon was my life, my future, my best friend, everything I loved and valued packed into that body and spirit that I so adore. I am truly lost without her....floundering like a fish out of water

[JD's Mom, Becky]

This is my son, Jared, with a puppy that was born when Jared was about 2 years old, and he loved this dog. They would run and play together for hours. In about 2000-2001, we placed this dog, Splash, with a family as his heart test came back questionable, so we decided to pull him from any plans for showing and breeding. That family brought him back in May, 2008 to visit us one last time, as he was near his time to leave this world. Here is Jared saying "so long" to Splash. I found this picture on a CD yesterday when cleaning my office. Bittersweet memories.

Jared would have been 12 years old in this picture. Splash was 10.

Here is another with me, Splash and Jared. I am happy to have found this one, as I am usually the picture taker, and don't have many pics of the two of us together. I just noticed that Jared's hand was on mine... tears now...

[tobyfreefoot]

becky thanks for posting these great pics. your little boy was such a caring kid. i am glad you have the pic with you in it. i also am the picture taker so rarely was i in the shots with forest.

[shorty16]

Hello my friends

It is really windy in Wisconsin and my cat is chasing leaves around. That is the extent of my evening.

For those of you who know Marcia, Bethany's 4 year angel date is tomorrow.

I think of all of you everyday. Life at our house is going OK. No major breakdowns in a while.

Both my kids are working and going to school - Good thing.

Take care my friends and know that we can survive this loss.

Colleen, Brian's Mother 4ever

[ericasmom]

Hi Col, it is very windy here too and lovely. The moon is shining and some starts are peaking through the thin veil of clouds. The wind seems to be pushing the clouds out. I am so glad that htere is calm in your home and that the big news is the cat chasing leaves. thanks for the reminder of tomorrows anniversary. Hard to believe that Bethany is gone for 4 years now. WOW!

Becky, the photos are marvelous, Jared is his handsome self but just a younger version. So cute. IT is nice to find a hidden treasure like the photo of you two with his hand on yours. Always connected.

Sandy, I am praying for Megan to be as comfortable as she can and to see the smiling eyes and warm lights of those who will come to take her HOME. Your Girl will be waiting to help.

Sweet Megan, go softly into the heavens, and let your new found peace streak colors across the skies, letting all who love you so know that you are reaching your new home.

Angel's Son, what ache you are feeling made more complicated at times as you try to piece it all together. Your heart knows the deepest pain and you join others here who truly get the kind of pain and the road you will now travel. we are here so please feel as free as you can to share about your Son and the rest of the family. Most of us find that telling about our Child is one way to figure things out as we grieve but also to let others know who it is you are missing. We know because it means a lot to us that others know who our Children are.

[iamtups4]

Hello, I am Mary, Qsmom and Quentin is gone. He died on August 29th, 21 years after he and his twin brother Gene were born. Q was my wild child and I think he held on after the accident nine days just to prove everyone wrong that said he wouldn't live to see 21. I miss him desperately.

I feel like a huge cavern is all that I have left of him I walk in and look at all the memories hanging on the walls and I'm not sure how such a place can be so comforting and disturbing at the same time. He was such a sweet and funny guy filled with so much life and love and that is all gone.

My husband and son are getting along with everything, learning to live without him, I am trying, not always so successful. I feel so fragile and broken.

Thanks for the opportunity to share, I hope I landed in the right place.

[iamtups4]

Hello, I am Mary, Qsmom and Quentin is gone. He died on August 29th, 21 years after he and his twin brother Gene were born. Q was my wild child and I think he held on after the accident nine days just to prove everyone wrong that said he wouldn't live to see 21. I miss him desperately.

I feel like a huge cavern is all that I have left of him I walk in and look at all the memories hanging on the walls and I'm not sure how such a place can be so comforting and disturbing at the same time. He was such a sweet and funny guy filled with so much life and love and that is all gone.

My husband and son are getting along with everything, learning to live without him, I am trying, not always so successful. I feel so fragile and broken.

Thanks for the opportunity to share, I hope I landed in the right place.

[tobyfreefoot]

Hello, I am Mary, Qsmom and Quentin is gone. He died on August 29th, 21 years after he and his twin brother Gene were born. Q was my wild child and I think he held on after the accident nine days just to prove everyone wrong that said he wouldn't live to see 21. I miss him desperately.

I feel like a huge cavern is all that I have left of him I walk in and look at all the memories hanging on the walls and I'm not sure how such a place can be so comforting and disturbing at the same time. He was such a sweet and funny guy filled with so much life and love and that is all gone.

My husband and son are getting along with everything, learning to live without him, I am trying, not always so successful. I feel so fragile and broken.

Thanks for the opportunity to share, I hope I landed in the right place.

You have landed in the right place. your child hasn't been gone a month! you seem like you are pulling together really well!! most of us here have good days and bad. my 28 year old son and his girlfriend were killed july 3rd, 2011 when she fell asleep on I-40 and went under the back of a parked semi at 67 mph. today is one of those days for me when i wonder how could i have lost him? i'm a good mom and i love him so much. it is still very hard to believe he is gone. oh how i hate the sound of that. i am so sorry you have lost your wild child, those children give so much to our lives and leave such a tremendous gaping hole. i am glad he hung in for his 21st though that must have been so painful for you and your family. anytime you want to talk about him or shriek out in grief or ramble on in a mindless way we will be here. it is a road filled with pitfalls and weariness but i have found many people here have helped me so much just by sharing their own feelings, encouragement and hard to find understanding. i hope you will find some help here also.

[tobyfreefoot]

this morning a girl walked in and said hey yesterday was international talk like a pirate day! i probably looked horror stricken. forest would remind me when that day was. once he sent me a video that gave instructions on how to talk like a pirate i.e. what 'ave you done with me rum you yellow scurvy dog? it just broke my heart i missed it, that he wasn't here to remind me. just thinking about it is making my eyes swim and my stomach roll knowing there's not a damned thing i can do about it and i'm never going to have him again. i'm tired of this. when i think i may have to look back years from now and i will not have gotten to hear his voice, see his glinting eyes or feel him hug me so hard in all those years i don't want to do it. when i called his landlord to let her know he had been killed she started crying and said she lost her 16 year old daughter. when i asked how long ago she said i don't know......................25 years.

[BrendaDup59]

Hi, I just wanted to say welcome to the newbies .... to the club nobody ever wants to be in , but so glad you found this place , there are wonderful people here. so sorry to read about your son Mary I lost my 32 year old son 6 months ago to a motorcycle accident ,I miss him so much .

I decided to sit out side today it is so beautiful , I got out my camera I had 6 Monarch Butterfly's visiting my Butterfly bush . still getting ORANGE signs from Brian. .. Hope everyone is doing OK thinking of all of you

[ericasmom]

Mary, you are in th eright place but that is a sad thing. I am sorry that Quentin is gone, please share what you can when you can about your wild-child, the twin to your Boy, let us know what you can when you can about your Boy.Life is very tricky after a loss so deep, you are new to this and we are here to hold your hand and hold you up when you need to rest.

[westleysmom]

SHANNON Beautiful girl of your Mama's dreams, loved and missed every moment of every day.

Susan-Thinking of you today on Shannon's first angel anniversary

[Guest]

.....

[ericasmom]

What a pretty photo of Cara. So pretty.

Brenda, lovely photos of the butterflies. We saw many today and yesterday.

Gretchen, talk like a pirate day hu? Your Boy makes me grin. Just know, that he still makes folks grin. I know you don't want to sit for years and years without him, but he is right next to you now. I say this over 9 years later knowing that it SUCKS, and I cry in and out of days when I don't even know that I will. I still cannot believe that this much time could possibly have passed, how could it be so?

Q's Mom, Eri lived for 6 days beyond her car being struck by an AMTRAK at a broken crossing in Kalamazoo, Michigan. We live just outside of Chicago. She and my Son were living there and going to community college and loving the independence, such as it was. She was 19. I do believe she hung out to give time to everyone to come say goodbye, to come see her and take the peaceful picture of her with them rather than what they would have imagined her to look after that violent accident. She looked beautiful, like Eri sleeping but with some bruises. Nobody could see the worst damage, brain stem very nearly severed.

[ericasmom]

Two BEAUTIFUL GIRLS share this date, Two FAMILIES share this sad date:

Bethany Dear Girl, breeze in and out the windows today near Mom and Dad, letting them feel a slight stirring of your lovely self. Land on yellow flowers and circle round all things lovely. You are forever missed and forever loved.

Shannon, fill your Momma with hope and with some sort of knowing that she is going to see you again one day. Fill her with your incredible love and strength and do the same for your Sis. Let them know of your peace. Let them know you are near.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

I wanted to share this song I found on You Tube,

[Angel'sSon]

Hello, I am Mary, Qsmom and Quentin is gone. He died on August 29th, 21 years after he and his twin brother Gene were born. Q was my wild child and I think he held on after the accident nine days just to prove everyone wrong that said he wouldn't live to see 21. I miss him desperately.

I feel like a huge cavern is all that I have left of him I walk in and look at all the memories hanging on the walls and I'm not sure how such a place can be so comforting and disturbing at the same time. He was such a sweet and funny guy filled with so much life and love and that is all gone.

My husband and son are getting along with everything, learning to live without him, I am trying, not always so successful. I feel so fragile and broken.

Thanks for the opportunity to share, I hope I landed in the right place.

Mary, I lost my son on Aug. 15th, 2012. He was 30 yrs. old. You have to grieve, just like I am and all of us on here. I ended up losing it and ended up in the mental part of the hospital for five days. A counselor told me to get my son's pictures out of my house, cos all I was doing was looking at them and cry. My mom came and collected his pictures before I came home. As cruel as it sounds, that did help me and by no means am I telling you to do this!!! I think about my son every minute of each day and it's getting worse, not better. I've found out that all the emotions that I'm feeling are normal. I just wish I knew when it will get better. This is the worst thing a parent can go thru in my opinion. I can't think about the good times for thinking about how bad I want him back and this is a nightmare. It's just going to take a long time!!! I hate that you lost your son!! My son was my best friend!!

[hessley0503]

Sandy- Thanks for the vote of confidence. It is definitely keeping me busy. I very rarely have time to breathe but some days I think given our situation that's a good thing. It keeps me going. Although during this time of the month it does make it difficult.

Brenda- LOVE the butterflies!!! I have been seeing some really pretty colored ones this year here in our part of Florida too! I don't remember seeing so many before. The other day I saw an absolutely BEAUTIFUL cobalt and black one. We have been getting so much rain here it's crazy! We live in the area that flooded earlier this summer and I swear it hasn't stopped yet! So it was nice for it to be a pretty day and no rain and get to see some butterflies.

Mary Q's mom- You have definitely came to the right place. As Dee has said please feel free to tell us about Quentin and his story and anything else you feel comfortable in sharing. It really does help to come here whether it is to share how you are feeling or just to read how others are feeling just to know that you aren't going crazy.

Tracie

Missing my "Rai" of sunshine

[517958]

Shannon, Shannon, Shannon. Be with your mom today.

[hessley0503]

Shannon Shannon Shannon surround your mom today so that she can feel your presence!!!!!

[ericasmom]

Tracie, good to see you these days. I know that you are staying very busy and just want you to know that I think of you and your Rai of Sun.

Falling apart is what we all do at some point or another, in one way or another. SOme folks fall apart in a quiet way and begin to isolate while others fall apart and need professional help. We all end up about in the same place no matter our meltdown times, we all walk the road of grief, missing our Kids and trying to figure out how to live a life that will make our Child smile. It takes time Ladies and Gents. It takes time and so don't feel rushed to be at a different place in your grief, you are where you are and it is okay. What is not okay is for the folks that love us to expect us to be done with grief or to be who we were before grief was ours. It simply is not like it seems in the movies. Grief is real and for those who love us and can't handle the changes in us...that is going to have to be their struggle, we have plenty.

[Angel'sSon]

Dee, I needed to hear the words you wrote. It's been a month and 5 days since my son passed. I did have to seek professional help, but it's not helping too much. Where you said, It takes time and so don't feel rushed to be at a different place in your grief, you are where you are and it is okay. That helps to hear that. Because I have people upset with me for living for my son and not being there for my family. I was told HE IS GONE!!! There's nothing I can do about it and I need to get out and start living for my family who are alive!! Yea, I hear that!!!! Nope, can't do it, not now and don't even know when!!

[ericasmom]

Glad that my thoughts can assist, I wish that tthey could assist more in ways that can help those loved ones who don't get it. Often, couples grieve very differently than one another and marriages can suffer, so going to grief counseling may be a good way to stay aligned. Kids can't grieve the same way parents do and distance themselves when they can...anger becomes displaced and families can really feel far apart from this. The only thing we can do though, is find ways to allow our own grief and to let the folks around us know that in order to get to a place where life can take on some goodness,(and it will but not for a while) is to go through the absolute sadness of this tragedy. Other children wonder why they are not enough to keep you going, not able to understand the role of parent in grief. Also, when one member falls apart, often times the others have an innate sense to be 'the strong' ones in order to keep the household going. Let me clarify what strength is. We are strong, anyone that lives one day beyond their child is strong, we are struggling to breathe, to live, to find out how to do this under so much ache. That is strength. It may look different to others, but that is strength.

I wish you some sense of your Child today in such a way that you feel them near.

[ericasmom]

Lyrics from a song I heard for the first time this morning, driving on my way to work. I cried big salty Tears. This is by the Foo fighters.

I'm in the sky tonight

There I can keep by your side

Watching the wide world riot

And hiding out

I'll be coming home next year

Into the sun we climb

Climbing our wings will burn white

Everyone strapped in tight

We'll ride it out

I'll be coming home next year

Come on, get on, get on

Take it till life runs out

No-one can find us now

Living with our heads underground

Into the night we shine

Lighting the way we glide by

Catch me if I get too high

When I come down

I'll be coming home next year

I'm in the sky tonight

There I can keep by your side

Watching the whole world wind

Around and round

I'll be coming home next year

Come on, get on, get on

Take it till I fall down

No one can find us now

Living with our heads underground

I'll be coming home next year

I'll be coming home next year

Everything's all right up here

When I come down

I'll be coming home next year

Say goodbye

Say goodbye

Say goodbye

Say goodbye

Come on, get on, get on

Take it till life runs out

No-one can find us now

Living with our heads underground

I'll be coming home next year

[iamtups4]

Thanks Gretchen, I feel like i am in the right place, I have read posts and my heart aches for all of us.

Q was a wild man, I always said I didn't want to raise boring children and I sure never had a boring day with either of my boys.

He was on his way to court on a moped at 6:40am, since he had lost his license and someone hit him from behind traveling 60mph. We did not know anything about the accident until that afternoon when someone called me saying they had seen the news and it named Q in the accident. We started making phone calls and I decided to call his cell phone, the nurse at Methodist Hospital in Indianapolis answered apologizing but that since Quentin had his phone locked, that his ICE contacts were also locked and they couldn't reach us. This was on August 20.

We thought he was improving, all the signs looked like he was, and when we thought he had finally turned the corner to being ok, I went home for the first night in six to sleep in my own bed rather than a hospital waiting room and we got a call at 1:30am that he had taken a turn for the worse and he was brain dead by 3am on the 28th.

I have not been back to work since, I was scheduled last Tuesday and called saying I needed a little more time. So I am scheduled to go back on Monday, we will see how that goes. My husband has been back to work for almost 2 weeks, he says its helping him. He's a carpenter so if he has a bad day he can demolish some drywall and only the metal studs will see him cry, but I work in retail and I'm hoping I can keep it together at least enough that I'm not a blubbering idiot in front of customers.

Well I am here now and I look forward to getting to know you all. This place sucks and I wish it didn't exist, but I am glad it does.

Qsmom

You have landed in the right place. your child hasn't been gone a month! you seem like you are pulling together really well!! most of us here have good days and bad. my 28 year old son and his girlfriend were killed july 3rd, 2011 when she fell asleep on I-40 and went under the back of a parked semi at 67 mph. today is one of those days for me when i wonder how could i have lost him? i'm a good mom and i love him so much. it is still very hard to believe he is gone. oh how i hate the sound of that. i am so sorry you have lost your wild child, those children give so much to our lives and leave such a tremendous gaping hole. i am glad he hung in for his 21st though that must have been so painful for you and your family. anytime you want to talk about him or shriek out in grief or ramble on in a mindless way we will be here. it is a road filled with pitfalls and weariness but i have found many people here have helped me so much just by sharing their own feelings, encouragement and hard to find understanding. i hope you will find some help here also.

[iamtups4]

Thank you for the welcome and your pictures are beautiful. So happy for you that Brian is sending you signs and that you shared them, thank you.

Hi, I just wanted to say welcome to the newbies .... to the club nobody ever wants to be in , but so glad you found this place , there are wonderful people here. so sorry to read about your son Mary I lost my 32 year old son 6 months ago to a motorcycle accident ,I miss him so much .

I decided to sit out side today it is so beautiful , I got out my camera I had 6 Monarch Butterfly's visiting my Butterfly bush . still getting ORANGE signs from Brian. .. Hope everyone is doing OK thinking of all of you

[iamtups4]

Thank you, I feel like I need someone to hold my hand. I love my husband and my son, but they're way of dealing with it is to to just keep on keeping on. Why is my way to cry? Cry while doing dishes, cry while folding laundry, cry while petting the dog, etc.? And of course I am always crying when they happen to come home...nothing says "I want to visit mom" like knowing that she's going to be sobbing when I get there.

I just miss him so much, and of course most of my memories of him are here at home. But this is my home and I need to learn to deal with being here, its not like we're going to move. I went to a quilting retreat last weekend, with 20 ladies with whom I have been friends for 8 years, we meet twice a year. Everyone said it would be good for me to get away and be around friends, which it was. Only a few outbursts, but now I am home again and its just everywhere I look I see him or think of him. And I miss him.

Q was so full of life, he was always making me laugh. Even when I was mad at him he would flash me those "sexy eyes" and I would melt. I should explain, from the time Q was a baby he would fixate on a girl in the room, normally a blonde! It didn't matter, a waitress, a lady standing in line at the bank, just one lady. He would follow her every move and flash a smile and what we dubbed his "sexy eyes" and sure enough before long she would be there fawning over him. I told the nurses in the hospital when we were trying to get him to open his eyes that they had better look out because once he did open his eyes one of them would have their heartbroken.

Look who's heartbroken now.

Mary, you are in th eright place but that is a sad thing. I am sorry that Quentin is gone, please share what you can when you can about your wild-child, the twin to your Boy, let us know what you can when you can about your Boy.Life is very tricky after a loss so deep, you are new to this and we are here to hold your hand and hold you up when you need to rest.

[iamtups4]

I am so sorry to hear about Erica. For me, both of us I suppose, I was trying to come to grips with the empty nest syndrome that I feared so much, knowing that my boys would be moving out on their own and trying to find a way to keep a fulfilled life despite the holes they would leave by being on their own. I never could have fathomed the hole that's left now. Yes Q was the same, he always wore his hair very short or shaved and other than the scar from the surgery, he looked like he was sleeping on his bed.

What a pretty photo of Cara. So pretty.

Brenda, lovely photos of the butterflies. We saw many today and yesterday.

Gretchen, talk like a pirate day hu? Your Boy makes me grin. Just know, that he still makes folks grin. I know you don't want to sit for years and years without him, but he is right next to you now. I say this over 9 years later knowing that it SUCKS, and I cry in and out of days when I don't even know that I will. I still cannot believe that this much time could possibly have passed, how could it be so?

Q's Mom, Eri lived for 6 days beyond her car being struck by an AMTRAK at a broken crossing in Kalamazoo, Michigan. We live just outside of Chicago. She and my Son were living there and going to community college and loving the independence, such as it was. She was 19. I do believe she hung out to give time to everyone to come say goodbye, to come see her and take the peaceful picture of her with them rather than what they would have imagined her to look after that violent accident. She looked beautiful, like Eri sleeping but with some bruises. Nobody could see the worst damage, brain stem very nearly severed.

[iamtups4]

Angel's Son

I am so sorry for you, for me, I know what happened and most of the whys, your grief is cluttered with questions. Yes I wish I knew how long this would last, I know that Quentin would want me to spend more time celebrating his life than grieving him, but just like I told him many times, you cant always get what you want. Yes, removing the pictures sounds quite harsh but I am glad that it helped you. I see his face and it makes me smile sometimes rather than cry so i know I need to incorporate all of this in my life. You are so right, this is a nightmare, when things that should comfort you make you cry and things that normally would p- you off makes you feel too weak to fight and things that should matter are meaningless.

Mary, I lost my son on Aug. 15th, 2012. He was 30 yrs. old. You have to grieve, just like I am and all of us on here. I ended up losing it and ended up in the mental part of the hospital for five days. A counselor told me to get my son's pictures out of my house, cos all I was doing was looking at them and cry. My mom came and collected his pictures before I came home. As cruel as it sounds, that did help me and by no means am I telling you to do this!!! I think about my son every minute of each day and it's getting worse, not better. I've found out that all the emotions that I'm feeling are normal. I just wish I knew when it will get better. This is the worst thing a parent can go thru in my opinion. I can't think about the good times for thinking about how bad I want him back and this is a nightmare. It's just going to take a long time!!! I hate that you lost your son!! My son was my best friend!!

[iamtups4]

Tracie, thank you for the words of encouragement. I can tell already that I have found a place that i need to be. I am so sorry that your Rai is gone, very recently too. I will share more about Q later, I want to write on about him forever, but my brain is so tired. Reading and replying to these posts really does put things in perspective, we all lost our babies. And its just not right.

Sandy- Thanks for the vote of confidence. It is definitely keeping me busy. I very rarely have time to breathe but some days I think given our situation that's a good thing. It keeps me going. Although during this time of the month it does make it difficult.

Brenda- LOVE the butterflies!!! I have been seeing some really pretty colored ones this year here in our part of Florida too! I don't remember seeing so many before. The other day I saw an absolutely BEAUTIFUL cobalt and black one. We have been getting so much rain here it's crazy! We live in the area that flooded earlier this summer and I swear it hasn't stopped yet! So it was nice for it to be a pretty day and no rain and get to see some butterflies.

Mary Q's mom- You have definitely came to the right place. As Dee has said please feel free to tell us about Quentin and his story and anything else you feel comfortable in sharing. It really does help to come here whether it is to share how you are feeling or just to read how others are feeling just to know that you aren't going crazy.

Tracie

Missing my "Rai" of sunshine

[iamtups4]

All I can say is wow. From the first word to the last, wow. And what a beautiful wish...thank you.

Glad that my thoughts can assist, I wish that tthey could assist more in ways that can help those loved ones who don't get it. Often, couples grieve very differently than one another and marriages can suffer, so going to grief counseling may be a good way to stay aligned. Kids can't grieve the same way parents do and distance themselves when they can...anger becomes displaced and families can really feel far apart from this. The only thing we can do though, is find ways to allow our own grief and to let the folks around us know that in order to get to a place where life can take on some goodness,(and it will but not for a while) is to go through the absolute sadness of this tragedy. Other children wonder why they are not enough to keep you going, not able to understand the role of parent in grief. Also, when one member falls apart, often times the others have an innate sense to be 'the strong' ones in order to keep the household going. Let me clarify what strength is. We are strong, anyone that lives one day beyond their child is strong, we are struggling to breathe, to live, to find out how to do this under so much ache. That is strength. It may look different to others, but that is strength.

I wish you some sense of your Child today in such a way that you feel them near.

[BrendaDup59]

Hi , well Brian is so heavy on my mind today, I am trying to stay busy but jut keep sitting down ,, at this rate I will never get my kitchen painted I have a refrigerator and stove coming on Tuesday. and I just cannot get my heart in to what needs to be done. ..

well I was telling you all about the ORANGE signs I have been getting .. well we came home last night and a lady pushing a guy in a wheel chair past our house had a bright orange out fit on pants and top the guy had a white shirt with a huge orange strip? and a little boy riding his bike past the house had a bright orange bike..we just shake our heads .. so I go to the bank today and look down and the guy in front of me had whit tennis shoes with an orange stripe and bright orange laces... is it me? I don't know.... but my family even is noticing it .. It does bring a smile to my face. well thinking of you all today Love Brenda

[hoosiermom]

Hello Indigos

Busy weekend so I am going to post this today......

September 22, 1993 a sweet baby girl named Brianna was born. She was beautiful and perfect but she was not well, and it was nothing short of a miracle that she was able to come home 30 days later. With the love and care of her family and the best doctors and nurses, she didn't just survive, she THRIVED!

She had many disabilities, but she knew and understood LOVE. She was such a happy girl, always laughing and smiling, I used to tell people that she was just happy to be here.

God blessed us with 15 precious years before He called her Home to sing with the angels, and so with a grateful heart full of happy memories, I do not mourn her passing on this day, I celebrate her LIFE!

Happy 19th Heavenly Birthday Brianna

I hope you have all the peanut butter pie you can stand, and the angel choir sings all your favorite Barney songs

I love you and miss you more than words can say.

These pictures were taken for her 1st birthday, what a precious little bundle of happiness she was

[cas1984]

The 1 year mark is approaching, and I am lost in memories of those last days and hours with Shannon. I'm stuck for sure, somewhere in that space between logical understanding and heart understanding....my heart continues to deny, to resist the truth....guess I'm just not ready? Or maybe it's my defense? I don't know what to do on the 20th. How do I acknowledge the worst day of my life, the loss of Shannon, the loss and collapse of everything??? I am so weary and discouraged....I have no confidence that I can do this....I have no desire to do this. I want to give up and give in, but I have others who love and need me, so I feel obligated to stay in this hell.....and I resent it so much. The intense anger has subsided to some degree, but I am despondent, hopeless and lifeless. Shannon was my life, my future, my best friend, everything I loved and valued packed into that body and spirit that I so adore. I am truly lost without her....floundering like a fish out of water

IM BUNNY CORDOVA CASSIDY'S MAMA~ He had a drug ( pill) problem for 6 yrs then decides for his 4 yr old baby grl to change his life and comes over one nite he lived in a halfway house his choice after being in jail 2 months for domestic violence( smacked a glass out of his obsessive ex gfs hand. neighbor called police. he died 9 days after doing 2 months for something most of us done violent angry behavior but dont do time. He more than paid for his violent act & got clean. After having a great day together not secure bcus he had only been off pills 69 days. So wasnt sure how to act but playful & fun while teachn me to drive a standard & I find him lifeless in morning after hearing his ow ows at 5 am & verbally not physically checking on him. My biggest regret bcus being a nite owl w sleep disorders shud of gotten in my wheelchair & checked on him as I alwayz would. He said " I'm fine Mama , £ove u Mama" just as happy & high spirited as he is..ALL I WANTED TO SAY IS EVERY EMOTION AND FEELING YOU HAVE AND ARE EXPERIENCING SO AM I. I FEEL IT ALL! IM DEEPLY SRY FOR YOUR EMPTINESS, UR HOLE IN UR HEART THAT NOBODY CAN FILL BUT OUT BABY'S THAT ARE GONE & THEREFORE WE FEEL THAT we lost our reason.Im new here too. So sry if my post are in wrong areas . its confusing to me. I still trying to get chat room & pics posting to work. So anyway pls accept my deepest empathy/sympathy as well. Hugz to you! Hope we get thru this tramatic devastating time together...

[cas1984]

The 1 year mark is approaching, and I am lost in memories of those last days and hours with Shannon. I'm stuck for sure, somewhere in that space between logical understanding and heart understanding....my heart continues to deny, to resist the truth....guess I'm just not ready? Or maybe it's my defense? I don't know what to do on the 20th. How do I acknowledge the worst day of my life, the loss of Shannon, the loss and collapse of everything??? I am so weary and discouraged....I have no confidence that I can do this....I have no desire to do this. I want to give up and give in, but I have others who love and need me, so I feel obligated to stay in this hell.....and I resent it so much. The intense anger has subsided to some degree, but I am despondent, hopeless and lifeless. Shannon was my life, my future, my best friend, everything I loved and valued packed into that body and spirit that I so adore. I am truly lost without her....floundering like a fish out of water

IM BUNNY CORDOVA CASSIDY'S MAMA~ He had a drug ( pill) problem for 6 yrs then decides for his 4 yr old baby grl to change his life and comes over one nite he lived in a halfway house his choice after being in jail 2 months for domestic violence( smacked a glass out of his obsessive ex gfs hand. neighbor called police. he died 9 days after doing 2 months for something most of us done violent angry behavior but dont do time. He more than paid for his violent act & got clean. After having a great day together not secure bcus he had only been off pills 69 days. So wasnt sure how to act but playful & fun while teachn me to drive a standard & I find him lifeless in morning after hearing his ow ows at 5 am & verbally not physically checking on him. My biggest regret bcus being a nite owl w sleep disorders shud of gotten in my wheelchair & checked on him as I alwayz would. He said " I'm fine Mama , £ove u Mama" just as happy & high spirited as he is..ALL I WANTED TO SAY IS EVERY EMOTION AND FEELING YOU HAVE AND ARE EXPERIENCING SO AM I. I FEEL IT ALL! IM DEEPLY SRY FOR YOUR EMPTINESS, UR HOLE IN UR HEART THAT NOBODY CAN FILL BUT OUT BABY'S THAT ARE GONE & THEREFORE WE FEEL THAT we lost our reason.Im new here too. So sry if my post are in wrong areas . its confusing to me. I still trying to get chat room & pics posting to work. So anyway pls accept my deepest empathy/sympathy as well. Hugz to you! Hope we get thru this tramatic devastating time together...

[cas1984]

Hi

well today is the 6 month mark for me, and I woke up with a bad headache and in the bathroom all day , so I have not done anything but lay in bed and do puzzles ... but all through the day I kept smelling the cigarette smell .. my Brian was a smoker and when he would come over I would comment sometimes about it being so strong that is all I could smell .. I have a very sensitive sense of smell, he would always use my planter in front of my door to put his butts .. it never really bothered me .. but it is so funny to think that would be how he would let me know he was around,all of my windows are closed and nobody smokes in my house yet I can smell it so strong ... I am still seeing ORANGE every where but not as much as that week that I ask him to show me the orange vehicle .. then the color orange was every where. .. I miss him so much it hurts .

Thank you Becky for your compliments on my grand kids ,I think they are so cute but I am grandma. and I love the pictures of your Boxer ..I have 2 myself. and our older one is my 10 year old Kaleb's best friend. we got the white one who everybody thinks is a pit because she has a tail and her ears were never cropped, I got her from a Boxer rescue last December well she is a digger, chewer,a barker but we love her.

Robin I know how you feel ,Brian was my oldest and I feel like a part of me has died too, I will never get use to him being gone and I miss his calls so much , I went to see my grand children on Saturday and took a box that Brian had here at my house he had stored somethings here from when he and Traci had separated for a short time , he had an apartment and I found a toaster oven he had and few other things I thought Traci might like well in the box was a set of hunting cloths he had I thought my oldest grand son would like to have them well Traci sent me a picture of the cat Brian loved curled up in the box on the clothes it brought tears to my eyes his cat I think misses him about as much as we do ,when I put the box down Angel the cat ( they thought he was a she when they got him and the name just stuck and really fits him I love that cat) anyway he just kept smelling the box and rubbing up against it . I will post some pictures of him . just know you can message me any time your not alone here.

Carol, just wanting you to know your always in my thoughts .

Sherry , how is the kitten doing? hope you are doing good.

Kate I hope you are doing better , thinking about you .

Dee , Thank you for always being there and your comforting words. as for my DL Traci is just wonderful , and I am so lucky to have her . as for Brett's wife Sarah , I just do not know what to say .. I am just thankful she is willing to bring my grand kids over for me to see, as for Brett I hope someday he comes around .. just so hurtful to go through this without his support but I think he has his own things to work out I know how he treated his his brother and it was not very nice a lot of the time and Brian would do any thing for him , once Brian drove an hour and 45 minutes to sit in the school parking lot to watch Brett get on the bus because someone had threatened his little brother , Brian drove to GA to see Brett graduate from Basic , when there own father would not do it.. I could go on ,I do not know why Brett felt the way he did. Brian loved him so much . all I can do is just pray about it.

David ..How are you doing ?

and to everyone I missed you are always in my thoughts and prayers.

Love Brenda

Hi Im BUNNY SRY IM NOT GOOD WITH THIS POST STUFF AREA AND FIGURING IT OUT STILL DONT KNOW HOW TO MESSAGE. CASSIDY LEI IS MY 27 YEAR OLD SON WHO I LOST JAN 13 2012.. I DONT GET TO SEE MY GRANDDAUGHTER BUT I BET IF I HAD ALOT OF MONEY LIKE MY SON GAVE HER. I CANT BUT SHES A PART OF MY SON. ALL I HAVE BESIDES MEMORIES PICTURES VIDEOS THANK GOD! I SAW UR SON IM VERY NEAR SIGHTED HOWEVER HE LOOKS LIKE MY 27 YR OLD CAS! I HAD TO LOOK SEVERAL TIMES. I DONT KNOW HOW TO POST BUT I WUD IF I DID.. IM SRY BRETT FEELS THAT WAY ABOUT HIS BROTHER BUT I BET ITS GUILT & MAYBE IN TIME HE WILL NEED U TO VENT HIS GUILT. YOU ARE VERY LUCKY TO SEE UR GRANDKIDS..WISH I COULD SEE ETERNITY! BUT HIS LOSS IS ENOUGH BATTLE TO FIGHT & THATS W MYSELF! YOU ARE VERY LUCKY TO HAVE HIS CAT MY SON HAD A PUG HE LOVED I DESPISED CUS SHE HAS ATTITUDE & WONT GO PEE OUTSIDE . BEFORE HE DIED HE BEGGED ME TO PICK HER UP FROM HIS EX KRYSTA BUT I WOULDNT. WISH I DID BUT NOW SHE WONT EVEN GIVE ME HIS BELONGINGS, INCLUDING HIS BELOVED MONKEY FACE DOG, BCUS THIS ONE WAS SO OBSESSED W MY SON SHE MADE HIS LIFE HELL. NEVER MESS W SISTERS. HIS DAUGHTER ETERNITY IS FROM KRYSTAS YOUNGER MATERIALISTIC SISTER CHARLENE ( SHE CRUSHED ON HIM FOR YRS & HUNG OUT W HIM WHEN THINGS WERE GOING SO BADLY IN THEIR RELATIONSHIP.. CAS NEEDED FRIENDSHIP SHE HAD DESIGNS ON HIM AND ADMITS IT.HE ADORED HER BUBBLY HAPPY OUTGOING FUN PERSONALITY. SHE GETS WHAT SHE WANTS ALWAYZ!. PROBLEM WAS SHE LOVED BEING ADORED BY MORE THAN HIM HE SAID BUT HE DIED WISHING SHE WAS THE GIRL SHE WAS WHEN THEY MET. SHE ADORED WORSHIPPED HIM! AFTER SHE GOT WHAT SHE WANTED SHE WANTED MORE HE WAS NEVER PERFECT ENUF BUT THEN AGAIN SHE WASNT EXACTLY DRUGFREE EITHER SO HOW DO U GET SOMEONE OFF DRUGS ( PILLS) WHEN U DO EM YOURSELF MORE THAN PRESCRIBED? WHAT BROKE BRETT AND BRIANS RELATIONSHIP? WERE THEY ALWAYS RIVALS OR JUST LIKE NORMAL BROTHERS? OR WAS THIS MORE AFTER HE WAS GONE FROM PHYSICAL VIEW? ID LIKE TO READ MORE ABOUT UR BOYZ. I HOPE WE CAN HELP EACHOTHER GET THRU THIS..HUGZ BUNNY @CASSIDY'S MAMA@

[cas1984]

Hello Indigos

Busy weekend so I am going to post this today......

September 22, 1993 a sweet baby girl named Brianna was born. She was beautiful and perfect but she was not well, and it was nothing short of a miracle that she was able to come home 30 days later. With the love and care of her family and the best doctors and nurses, she didn't just survive, she THRIVED!

She had many disabilities, but she knew and understood LOVE. She was such a happy girl, always laughing and smiling, I used to tell people that she was just happy to be here.

God blessed us with 15 precious years before He called her Home to sing with the angels, and so with a grateful heart full of happy memories, I do not mourn her passing on this day, I celebrate her LIFE!

Happy 19th Heavenly Birthday Brianna

I hope you have all the peanut butter pie you can stand, and the angel choir sings all your favorite Barney songs

I love you and miss you more than words can say.

These pictures were taken for her 1st birthday, what a precious little bundle of happiness she was

I LOVE UR DISPOSITION& ENVY UR POSITIVE ATTITUDE. I WISH I COULD PULL MYSELF OUT OF THIS DISPAIR, HAPPY 19TH BIRTHDAY TO UR BABY GIRL BRIANNA! I BELIEVE & REFUSE TO SAY SHE WAS HE WAS . I SAY MY SON CASSIDY IS FUN IS LOVABLE HAS A BIG HEART, LOVES BEING LOVED! THANK U FOR SHARING UR STORY SO MUCH!! DONT KNOW HOW U DO IT OR HOW U HAVE DONE IT WHEN CAS LEFT DIED THE BIGGEST PART OF MY ONLY GOD GIVEN CHILD TOOK MY HEART WE SHARED WITH HIM! I MISS HIS TEXTS CALLS HUGZ VISITS DAILY MOST OF ALL I MISS " I LOVE U MAMA!" @ BUNNY LEE@

[BrendaDup59]

Hi Im BUNNY SRY IM NOT GOOD WITH THIS POST STUFF AREA AND FIGURING IT OUT STILL DONT KNOW HOW TO MESSAGE. CASSIDY LEI IS MY 27 YEAR OLD SON WHO I LOST JAN 13 2012.. I DONT GET TO SEE MY GRANDDAUGHTER BUT I BET IF I HAD ALOT OF MONEY LIKE MY SON GAVE HER. I CANT BUT SHES A PART OF MY SON. ALL I HAVE BESIDES MEMORIES PICTURES VIDEOS THANK GOD! I SAW UR SON IM VERY NEAR SIGHTED HOWEVER HE LOOKS LIKE MY 27 YR OLD CAS! I HAD TO LOOK SEVERAL TIMES. I DONT KNOW HOW TO POST BUT I WUD IF I DID.. IM SRY BRETT FEELS THAT WAY ABOUT HIS BROTHER BUT I BET ITS GUILT & MAYBE IN TIME HE WILL NEED U TO VENT HIS GUILT. YOU ARE VERY LUCKY TO SEE UR GRANDKIDS..WISH I COULD SEE ETERNITY! BUT HIS LOSS IS ENOUGH BATTLE TO FIGHT & THATS W MYSELF! YOU ARE VERY LUCKY TO HAVE HIS CAT MY SON HAD A PUG HE LOVED I DESPISED CUS SHE HAS ATTITUDE & WONT GO PEE OUTSIDE . BEFORE HE DIED HE BEGGED ME TO PICK HER UP FROM HIS EX KRYSTA BUT I WOULDNT. WISH I DID BUT NOW SHE WONT EVEN GIVE ME HIS BELONGINGS, INCLUDING HIS BELOVED MONKEY FACE DOG, BCUS THIS ONE WAS SO OBSESSED W MY SON SHE MADE HIS LIFE HELL. NEVER MESS W SISTERS. HIS DAUGHTER ETERNITY IS FROM KRYSTAS YOUNGER MATERIALISTIC SISTER CHARLENE ( SHE CRUSHED ON HIM FOR YRS & HUNG OUT W HIM WHEN THINGS WERE GOING SO BADLY IN THEIR RELATIONSHIP.. CAS NEEDED FRIENDSHIP SHE HAD DESIGNS ON HIM AND ADMITS IT.HE ADORED HER BUBBLY HAPPY OUTGOING FUN PERSONALITY. SHE GETS WHAT SHE WANTS ALWAYZ!. PROBLEM WAS SHE LOVED BEING ADORED BY MORE THAN HIM HE SAID BUT HE DIED WISHING SHE WAS THE GIRL SHE WAS WHEN THEY MET. SHE ADORED WORSHIPPED HIM! AFTER SHE GOT WHAT SHE WANTED SHE WANTED MORE HE WAS NEVER PERFECT ENUF BUT THEN AGAIN SHE WASNT EXACTLY DRUGFREE EITHER SO HOW DO U GET SOMEONE OFF DRUGS ( PILLS) WHEN U DO EM YOURSELF MORE THAN PRESCRIBED? WHAT BROKE BRETT AND BRIANS RELATIONSHIP? WERE THEY ALWAYS RIVALS OR JUST LIKE NORMAL BROTHERS? OR WAS THIS MORE AFTER HE WAS GONE FROM PHYSICAL VIEW? ID LIKE TO READ MORE ABOUT UR BOYZ. I HOPE WE CAN HELP EACHOTHER GET THRU THIS..HUGZ BUNNY @CASSIDY'S MAMA@

Hi Bunny, I am taking a break from painting my kitchen, Next time I will find some one to pay to do this .. it is just too hard on me, I have neck problems and it causes my arms and shoulders to hurt when I use them too much , oh well I hate getting OLD!! .. I wanted to tell you how sorry I am about your sweet son Cassidy, I love his name. my Brian fought with depression a lot of his life I know he tried some things and the one thing he liked doing was pot but the last few years he was finally getting his life together he has a beautiful family he had 5 children of his own and an older step son but we have never thought of Justin as a step he has always been considered a grandson just the same as the rest of his children . My son Brett is 29 and married with 4 of his own and a step son. so I have 11 grandchildren. Brian and Brett were close as kids but Brett changed a lot when he met his wife 7 years ago, Brett began distancing himself from us a long time ago . especially after he came back from Iraq , he is now out of the army . Brian was always very close to me and my family and I miss that so much. I think a lot of Brett's influence is his father my X. and it hurts a lot I have always been there for Brett and to have him treat me like this is so hurtful . well Thanks for writing guess I had better get back at it . have a good evening

[cas1984]

You have landed in the right place. your child hasn't been gone a month! you seem like you are pulling together really well!! most of us here have good days and bad. my 28 year old son and his girlfriend were killed july 3rd, 2011 when she fell asleep on I-40 and went under the back of a parked semi at 67 mph. today is one of those days for me when i wonder how could i have lost him? i'm a good mom and i love him so much. it is still very hard to believe he is gone. oh how i hate the sound of that. i am so sorry you have lost your wild child, those children give so much to our lives and leave such a tremendous gaping hole. i am glad he hung in for his 21st though that must have been so painful for you and your family. anytime you want to talk about him or shriek out in grief or ramble on in a mindless way we will be here. it is a road filled with pitfalls and weariness but i have found many people here have helped me so much just by sharing their own feelings, encouragement and hard to find understanding. i hope you will find some help here also.

MY GOD! IM BUNNY CASSIDY LEI'S MAMA, I CANT HANDLE MY EMOTIONS I HAVENT DONE MUCH BUT CRY STAY ON MY COMPUTER AS CAS DID & LISTEN TO HIS WHAT I CALLED LOUD ***RAP CRAP! NOW I FIND MYSELF TRYING TO SEE WHAT HE SAW IN IT BESIDES ALL THE VULGARITY HOWEVER I FOUND THIS ROOM ON THE 12 TH ALMOST 8 MONTHS AFTER CASSIDY FELL ASLEEP FOREVER@ 27 YRS OLD 27! NOT 46 LIKE MYSELF WHOS DONE ALL I WANT & NEED TOO SO NOW THAT HE'S GONE I FEEL LIKE I DONT HAVE A REASON. HE LEFT BEHIND HIS 78 YR OLD GRANDMA WHO IS SO HEALTHY & ACTIVE ITS UNREAL UNTIL JAN 1 2012 SHE HAD A FEW MINI STROKES. HE LEFT BEHIND HIS 4 YR OLD WHOM HE ADORES & HIS BEST FRIEND MY 28 YR OLD HUSBAND AND HIS BROTHER WHO WE NOW BELIEVE IS VERY POSSIBLY HIS BIO SON THAT I ADOPTED WHEN HE WAS 26 DAYS OLD BUT HE NEVER KNEW, HE LOVES HIM LIKE HIS BROTHER THAT HE ALWAYZ WANTED SINCE HE WAS 3 YRS OLD & DIDNT TILL HIS EX KRYSTA HAVING 2 BOYS ALREADY GAVE HIM TO ME & MY HUSBAND. TRUE I WANTED A BABY FOR MANY MANY YRS MAINLY FOR MY SON TO HAVE A SIBLING & LOST A 3 MONTH OLD PREGNANCY IN 1992. CASSIDY CALLED JOSEPH BUBBY WHICH IS A PET NAME HE CALLED ALL OUR ANIMALS HE TREATED AS SIBLINGS which WUD BREAK MY HEART! BUT THO MY HEART IS RIPPED APART & ALL THE KITTENS IVE BEEN TRYING TO SAVE AS I ALWAYZ HAVE JUST TO HAVE MORE DEATH IN MY LIFE THIS PAST 3 MONTHS YOUR STORY OF HOW UR SON LEFT YOU BROUGHT TEARS TO MY EYES & SOUNDS SO GUT WRENCHING IM SO SO SRY MY HEART JUST MELTED FOR YOU! MY SONS HEART GAVE OUT FOR BEING ADDICTED TO DRUGS PILLS MANY YRS 6 YRS THEN HE DECIDES TO GET CLEAN PUT ON WEIGHT & HIS 4 YR OLD GIRL INSPIRED ALOT OF IT BUT HE & I ARE SO CLOSE BEYOND CLOSE . . WE FELT EACHOTHERS PAIN,WE COULDNT STAND NOT TALKING EVERYDAY TEXT OR CALL. HE ALWAYZ CAME HOME HE ALWAYZ BROUGHT HIS RELATIONSHIPS TO LIVE HERE. A TRUE MAMA'S BOY. BUT IM DEEPLY CRUSHED FOR UR SON & HIS GF ON HOW THEY LEFT THATS HORRIBLE & THO IVE GOT MANY QUESTIONS ON HOW LONG CASSIDY SUFFERRED IN OUR LIVING ROOM & CRIED OUT FOR HELP WHEN I FIRST HEARD HIS LITTLE CRY OW SOUNDS I CHECKED ON HIM IMMEDIATELY VERBALLY BUT NOT PHYSICALLY! MY JOB IS TO PROTECT MY SON BUT I CUDNT DIDNT. HE SAID HE WAS OK HE SAID HE LOVED ME & SOUNDED FINE SO THAT WAS 5AM & I ASKED MY HUSBAND BEFORE HE LEFT TO WORK at 530 am to check to make sure he was ok pls he said he did but he didnt he just saw he was there and went to work. I was comforted & went to sleep. up at 9am didnt go to living room till my bedroom joseph was ready & that was 12 noon.My God my baby needed me for hrs when I went to wake him he was warm I was tickling his foot but he was in a deep sleep so I thought but thats not how it was Tho he was warm.. He was dead paramedics had me doing cpr their way but being in a wheelchair him on couch I needed leverage pulling half of him to floor I tried but I just knew I wasnt making a difference my air came back in my mouth he had no pulse no heart beat I begged cried then threw my body on him & just cried n cried " why?" Everything was going great our new year 2012 was going to be drama free! My oldest God given son left me & it was all my fault for not gettn out of bed & physically seeing what his cries were about not taking his word for it!! What did I do? Why wud God think anybody or anyone cud take his place? One door closes another opens. Not for me.. Im alive Im not living...

[cas1984]

You have landed in the right place. your child hasn't been gone a month! you seem like you are pulling together really well!! most of us here have good days and bad. my 28 year old son and his girlfriend were killed july 3rd, 2011 when she fell asleep on I-40 and went under the back of a parked semi at 67 mph. today is one of those days for me when i wonder how could i have lost him? i'm a good mom and i love him so much. it is still very hard to believe he is gone. oh how i hate the sound of that. i am so sorry you have lost your wild child, those children give so much to our lives and leave such a tremendous gaping hole. i am glad he hung in for his 21st though that must have been so painful for you and your family. anytime you want to talk about him or shriek out in grief or ramble on in a mindless way we will be here. it is a road filled with pitfalls and weariness but i have found many people here have helped me so much just by sharing their own feelings, encouragement and hard to find understanding. i hope you will find some help here also.

MY GOD! IM BUNNY CASSIDY LEI'S MAMA, I CANT HANDLE MY EMOTIONS I HAVENT DONE MUCH BUT CRY STAY ON MY COMPUTER AS CAS DID & LISTEN TO HIS WHAT I CALLED LOUD ***RAP CRAP! NOW I FIND MYSELF TRYING TO SEE WHAT HE SAW IN IT BESIDES ALL THE VULGARITY HOWEVER I FOUND THIS ROOM ON THE 12 TH ALMOST 8 MONTHS AFTER CASSIDY FELL ASLEEP FOREVER@ 27 YRS OLD 27! NOT 46 LIKE MYSELF WHOS DONE ALL I WANT & NEED TOO SO NOW THAT HE'S GONE I FEEL LIKE I DONT HAVE A REASON. HE LEFT BEHIND HIS 78 YR OLD GRANDMA WHO IS SO HEALTHY & ACTIVE ITS UNREAL UNTIL JAN 1 2012 SHE HAD A FEW MINI STROKES. HE LEFT BEHIND HIS 4 YR OLD WHOM HE ADORES & HIS BEST FRIEND MY 28 YR OLD HUSBAND AND HIS BROTHER WHO WE NOW BELIEVE IS VERY POSSIBLY HIS BIO SON THAT I ADOPTED WHEN HE WAS 26 DAYS OLD BUT HE NEVER KNEW, HE LOVES HIM LIKE HIS BROTHER THAT HE ALWAYZ WANTED SINCE HE WAS 3 YRS OLD & DIDNT TILL HIS EX KRYSTA HAVING 2 BOYS ALREADY GAVE HIM TO ME & MY HUSBAND. TRUE I WANTED A BABY FOR MANY MANY YRS MAINLY FOR MY SON TO HAVE A SIBLING & LOST A 3 MONTH OLD PREGNANCY IN 1992. CASSIDY CALLED JOSEPH BUBBY WHICH IS A PET NAME HE CALLED ALL OUR ANIMALS HE TREATED AS SIBLINGS which WUD BREAK MY HEART! BUT THO MY HEART IS RIPPED APART & ALL THE KITTENS IVE BEEN TRYING TO SAVE AS I ALWAYZ HAVE JUST TO HAVE MORE DEATH IN MY LIFE THIS PAST 3 MONTHS YOUR STORY OF HOW UR SON LEFT YOU BROUGHT TEARS TO MY EYES & SOUNDS SO GUT WRENCHING IM SO SO SRY MY HEART JUST MELTED FOR YOU! MY SONS HEART GAVE OUT FOR BEING ADDICTED TO DRUGS PILLS MANY YRS 6 YRS THEN HE DECIDES TO GET CLEAN PUT ON WEIGHT & HIS 4 YR OLD GIRL INSPIRED ALOT OF IT BUT HE & I ARE SO CLOSE BEYOND CLOSE . . WE FELT EACHOTHERS PAIN,WE COULDNT STAND NOT TALKING EVERYDAY TEXT OR CALL. HE ALWAYZ CAME HOME HE ALWAYZ BROUGHT HIS RELATIONSHIPS TO LIVE HERE. A TRUE MAMA'S BOY. BUT IM DEEPLY CRUSHED FOR UR SON & HIS GF ON HOW THEY LEFT THATS HORRIBLE & THO IVE GOT MANY QUESTIONS ON HOW LONG CASSIDY SUFFERRED IN OUR LIVING ROOM & CRIED OUT FOR HELP WHEN I FIRST HEARD HIS LITTLE CRY OW SOUNDS I CHECKED ON HIM IMMEDIATELY VERBALLY BUT NOT PHYSICALLY! MY JOB IS TO PROTECT MY SON BUT I CUDNT DIDNT. HE SAID HE WAS OK HE SAID HE LOVED ME & SOUNDED FINE SO THAT WAS 5AM & I ASKED MY HUSBAND BEFORE HE LEFT TO WORK at 530 am to check to make sure he was ok pls he said he did but he didnt he just saw he was there and went to work. I was comforted & went to sleep. up at 9am didnt go to living room till my bedroom joseph was ready & that was 12 noon.My God my baby needed me for hrs when I went to wake him he was warm I was tickling his foot but he was in a deep sleep so I thought but thats not how it was Tho he was warm.. He was dead paramedics had me doing cpr their way but being in a wheelchair him on couch I needed leverage pulling half of him to floor I tried but I just knew I wasnt making a difference my air came back in my mouth he had no pulse no heart beat I begged cried then threw my body on him & just cried n cried " why?" Everything was going great our new year 2012 was going to be drama free! My oldest God given son left me & it was all my fault for not gettn out of bed & physically seeing what his cries were about not taking his word for it!! What did I do? Why wud God think anybody or anyone cud take his place? One door closes another opens. Not for me.. Im alive Im not living...