Loss of an Adult Child

[Guest]

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[shorty16]

Hi all

I just stopped by to say hello.

Friday was tough for me, because we saw Britany - She graduated in 2009, The same year and class Brian should have graduated.

She was 8 months pregnant and happy as can be.

I am happy for her, but cried on the way home for what we lost.

I miss my boy.

Brian, you are with me always.

Colleen, Brian's Mom Forever

[Jeff's Mom]

Colleen, I can totally relate to how you are feeling. Having attended a couple of weddings of my son's friends over the summer... I found myself reflecting on how much I felt he had missed out on. But then I started to think...yes, while that may be true...I am mourning for myself and my own loss of him. For me it is seeing how the guys are maturing and looking at his picture seeing him still locked into a certain age. I'm afraid we wil always feel this way.

Lora...I know the pain you are feeling. I also know that it is perfectly normal to withdraw from others when you are feeling overwhelmed with you loss. It is still so new to you at this point. You are not alone as you can see by this site. Eventually this initial shock and rawness will start to soften a little and your life will begin to take shape again in bits and pieces. Hold on tight to the good memories and keep posting. Take care.

Linda...I am really sorry for all of the traumatic things you are going through right now. You are loved and were loved by your sons, husband, and about to be new addition to the family. As far as your promise to your Dad...why not speak to a therapist and seek some advice as to best proceed with this situation. You are understandably and clearly troubled by your promise to take care of him. It sounds to me as if he is suffering from alcohol related dementia. That is a heavy load to deal with. Please take care of yourself and stop thinking too much. Enjoy that puppy today and let me know what you have decided to call it.

Well, I was up half the night due to my husband snoring! I wish he would break down and have that sinus surgery! It's getting wortse and I am beat...while today he is chipper as can be! Just off to church and wanted to quickly stop by and say "HI" to everyone. Beautiful day here again. Plan to go for a lovely long walk along the beach this afternoon. Thinking of you all.

Carol...how's Ralph these days? Thinking of you.

Kate

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Colleen, I know how you feel. Jared hung out with boys that were a couple years older than he was, as he grew up playing sports with them, and to look at them altogether, you wouldn't know they weren't the same age. Jared was tall and was starting to put on weight and was actually bigger than some of those boys. Several of them graduated this past spring, and we could not bring ourselves to go to their graduation. Still just too fresh. They did send me pictures, and even that broke my heart to know that I would never see Jared graduate, or go to college, get a job, etc.

Here is a picture that I found that was taken two years before losing him this past October, only 13 in this picture. I miss him so much....

David, I can also relate to your statement about our boys having attitude, but being so tender inside. That was Jared as well. He was still finding himself, and learning how to handle people and situations, and appeared tough at times, but we knew him as a soft-hearted boy that we loved so well.

Brenda, Loved the pics of your boy! So handsome!

Lilly's mom, beautiful beautiful words in your journal. I feel like you are moving along better than I am, and it's been seven weeks longer for me. I know I will get there, and I so appreciate the ones like Dee and Kate, and others that have been on this journey much longer than us, to have stayed and shared their experiences. It's pretty amazing.

[ericasmom]

Hi Col, I know how you hurt when you see the lives of those Brian was buddies with...progressing and changing in ways we can never guess for our Kids who left early. Good to see Brian's face here though, that smile that lights a room.

Lora, isolating is quite normal in this new world you find yourself. Plus, aren't you working two jobs? So having time alone is so important, let yourself have it without guilt.

Becky, those eyelashes on your Boy, mascara can never compare. Wow!

Sherry, Carol, Amy, Greg, Trudi, Colleen, Kate, and so many more of us have been here a long while and will likely stay as it feels like the right thing to do to join with you and the others, to help you know that all this turmoil is part of the norm for an unnatural situation such as ours. You are where you are on your timeline, we all do the best we can in our own time, space, and situations. Often, when there are battles to fight as you are doing with the roadway managers, our grief has to focus there, we may not see the many ways we are moving forward through the maze of legal issues, but I can tell you that you have moved many steps. Look at you, you had surgery, you are back to rounding up the kids for the sports camps...you are moving and Jared is proud of you.

Linda, all I can say is that abuse SUCKS, it harms our whole self and it has to be dealt with so that you can have some years without the burden of so many bad people intruding in your life. Keep talking here, and keep talking in therapy so that the trail you have been on can find a much more even ground for you.

Kate, enjoy that walk, the clouds are pushing in quickly, rain is promised, big rain, and cooler temps for a few days which would be good since it was 99 in my classroom on Friday. ICK> My eyes were swollen with the allergens in the air. The class is fun and my back is much better now, though still needs the hands of my chiropractor.

[briansdad]

Here are my girls. with the newest member .......Gwen

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Hi Gwen! How precious!!

Here are my girls. with the newest member .......Gwen

[ericasmom]

Greg, what a pretty photo of your Three Girls. So lovely. Gwen is a beautiful addition to your troop of females. Love her name too. Congratulations Grandpa.

Well it rained hard here, lovely puddles all around, we so needed it. The birds seem happy to be able to rinse off in a puddle rather than always on the lookout for a sprinkler or a bird bath. Time to do some planning for the week, wish me luck.

Oh we had a couple from a few houses down for dinner last night, a nice evening. Chicken and french potato salad, tomato caprice salad, and peach pie. Leftovers tonight with Jon and Shan.

[Jeff's Mom]

Hi Col, I know how you hurt when you see the lives of those Brian was buddies with...progressing and changing in ways we can never guess for our Kids who left early. Good to see Brian's face here though, that smile that lights a room.

Lora, isolating is quite normal in this new world you find yourself. Plus, aren't you working two jobs? So having time alone is so important, let yourself have it without guilt.

Becky, those eyelashes on your Boy, mascara can never compare. Wow!

Sherry, Carol, Amy, Greg, Trudi, Colleen, Kate, and so many more of us have been here a long while and will likely stay as it feels like the right thing to do to join with you and the others, to help you know that all this turmoil is part of the norm for an unnatural situation such as ours. You are where you are on your timeline, we all do the best we can in our own time, space, and situations. Often, when there are battles to fight as you are doing with the roadway managers, our grief has to focus there, we may not see the many ways we are moving forward through the maze of legal issues, but I can tell you that you have moved many steps. Look at you, you had surgery, you are back to rounding up the kids for the sports camps...you are moving and Jared is proud of you.

Linda, all I can say is that abuse SUCKS, it harms our whole self and it has to be dealt with so that you can have some years without the burden of so many bad people intruding in your life. Keep talking here, and keep talking in therapy so that the trail you have been on can find a much more even ground for you.

Kate, enjoy that walk, the clouds are pushing in quickly, rain is promised, big rain, and cooler temps for a few days which would be good since it was 99 in my classroom on Friday. ICK> My eyes were swollen with the allergens in the air. The class is fun and my back is much better now, though still needs the hands of my chiropractor.

Thanks Dee, the service went longer then we atticipated and when we came out it had clouded over. Looks as if the walk will have to wait. The clouds are very dark and it will most probably rain at any minute.

Linda...if your dad is still thinking along those ways you must keep him at arms length. Please talk to your therapist ASAP as far as what proper way you can handle this problem,ok? You must look after yourself and please stop crying. Things will begin to improve. I want you to make yourself a strong cup of tea, or a soothing beverage. Find a quiet spot outside and sit down in the shade. Take a long deep breath and close your eyes. Breath it in deeply and then slowly let it out. Just let yourself feel the good that comes from just being. Don't clutter your head with outside distractions. I know it is hard. Allow yourself to relax and find an inner sense of peace if even for a few minutes. Focus on the things you can control and make a to do list. Try to accomplish at least one thing each day. Stroke it off when you have done it and you will feel pretty good about that. And do keep up with your therapy and sharing with your therapist. You have to get this out.

Betty...just wondering if you are in the part of Florida that is being pounded by the hurricane? Hope you are keeping safe.

Greg...Congrats! Such a beautiful baby and what a lovely name. Best wishes to all of you!

Becky...he is one good looking youn man!

[summergirl]

Hello Dear Friends - been a while since I have been here....I see some new here and it breaks my heart but I welcome you with open arms and hugs.

Alot has been going on since I last posted and not good. Most of you here know that when we moved into this house I felt like I had come home, I found a sense of peace and spent months making it ours.....well, we were informed that it is now up for sale at the price of $900,000.00 !!! It is owned by my husbands Uncle and 2 sisters and the one sister has decided she wants to sell as she wants the money - needless to say we are devastated and broken hearted but certainly cannot even imagine buying it for that price - the Uncle does not want to sell and said he has set it at a high price hoping no one wil buy it but we do not feel like we can take the chance that it won't sell becuz if it does then we would have no where to go.....I looked at a beautiful 2 story, 2 bedroom, fireplace, garage, large yard but it is $2600.00 a month and that is $1000.00 more that we are paying now so out of our range....Living on Long Island is wonderful but the prices here very high....we have alot of people looking for us so hopefully all will work out. I cried for a few days and then I picked myself up and said "this ain't nothing"!! I have been through the worst thing that could ever happen to me when we lost our Jessica so losing a house is nothing and we will get through it - home is where you make it and we will....but please keep us in your prayers as I worry more about Tavian and upsetting his world again than I do about us...

The other thing is Tavian's grandmother called and invited him over last weekend as "all of his cousins were coming from the city to spend the weekend and they were having a big BBQ and going fishing"...Tavian said he wanted to go although I reminded him of some of the things she had done before and was he sure he wanted to go...he said yes so I called her and I gave her the rules...Tavian could call us if he wanted to, he could come home when he wanted to and no taking him out of town for any reason....So he went on Thursday evening, Friday I did not hear from him so assumed all was going well...then Saturday morning he called....he had snuck the phone and went into the closet to call me to come and get him....I told him to hang up and I was on my way...When I got there Grandma was not there (had went to the store) and Tavian was a mess, there were no cousins who came, no BBQ and she would not let him call us because when he was with her he was not to speak to us !! I told Tavian to get in the car and I went in to get his stuff and Grandma Bitch called my cell phone (her daughter had called her to tell her I was taking Tavian) - she started screaming at me that I had no right to come to her house and take him, that he was a spoiled brat and I needed to stop doing all the things I do for him !!! Oh yeah - the smack down was on...I told her she was not a grandmother to Tavian, she would not see him again and to stay away and not call or I would have a restraining order put against her. I have not heard from her since but I have the feeling that she is up to something but I am not worried at all....even if she tried to get him from us it will never happen.....All I know is Tavian is home and he is NEVER going to see her as long as I am alive and I will make sure she cannot pick him up from school, if she is not on the list the school will not let him go with her or anyone else unless they call me first. We will keep him safe from her by any means we have too.......Thanks for letting me get that out !!

Colleen - thinking of you my friend

Dee - as always I love reading your words of wisdom

I will say good nite and I may be back tomorrow.....we took the camper down today but they are calling for rain tomorrow so I came home tonight...I am on vacation with Tavian until Sept. 5th so we will be camping until next Sunday...so if we don't go tomorrow we will def be there on Tuesday and it is supposed to be beautiful for the rest of the week. I will remember all Angels as I walk the beach and take some pics

Love to all of you...Prayers, Strength and Love, Kathy, Jessica's mom always

I miss you my sweet girl - what I would give for a hug from you right now....

[ericasmom]

Kathy, hopefully Grandma Bitch, which I feel is a kinder name than I would label her with, is out of the picture for GOOD!

I sure hope the house thing works in your favor and that Tavian will be able to stay at the school he is in. One thing sure though, you have had tougher obstacles than this, so live on Kathy, in the day, in the moment and speak to Jessica as you do.

Goodnight All, the rain has fallen all day long and into this night, dark and without the sound of crickets and cicadas, replaced by the thrum of rain, a rhythm quite lovely of its own.

[Sholl1955]

Hello. First to those of you who I have been personal messaging with, I must have done something wrong and cannot get into the personal messaging and can't figure out what I did to mess it up. This has been such a difficult week for my dear grandbabies. We are so thankful that we have these precious little girls ages 4 and 5 and they make us smile when we don't feel like smiling. However when they are greiving it is the most painful heartbreaking thing to witness. My Sarah died at age 33 on March 14th. Both the girls were close to their mama. Maddie is 5 and Becca is 3. They both miss her so much but the Maddie being the oldest was extra close to her. This week they girls started school. Maddie is in Kindergarten and Becca in Pre-K. They sstarted on Wednesday which was also Becca's 4th Birthday. When I left for work that morning the girls were excited (their daddy was taking them to school) Before I pulled out of the driveway Maddie came running out to my car and said " Mimi, today I start Kindergarten and I need a Mommy hug." We have developed a plan that when the girls or I miss mama we ask each other for a mama hug. I gave her a huge hug and off she went. Becca did well as she was so excited. She is also very close to her Daddy which helps. All of her life Mama was sick and she was close to her but also very attached to Dad. For her Birthday she wanted to go to Burger King ( to play more than eat) then we came back home had cake. It was so hard not to have Sa rah here but we made it good for our baby. The girls did well the rest of the week and both loved school. Well yesterday we had a party for Becca with extended family and it was so very hard but becca had a good time. I noticed that Maddie had been withdrawn all day and knew what was going on . Last night she was laying in bed with me and told me that her new friend Carolyn was crying for her mama at school on Friday and her mama came to pick her up. She then said something that broke my heart. she said" Mimi I want my mama to come and pick me up too and she never will be able to come get me. These precious little girls have a whole lifetime of not having mama there for any of their special days. We are making sure that we talk to them all of the time about Sarah and keep her alive for them, but they will have to face missing her when they need their mama the most. I know the pain I feel and I am an adult but little ones should not have to have such pain and loss. Sarah loved these little angels so much and fought with all she had to survive the disease that took her to be able to be here for them. Oh it just hurts so much!

"

y

[ericasmom]

Deep prayers for you and for those precious Baby Girls Sarah's Mom. I am holding you deep in my heart as I head to bed.

[tantraman8]

Dear All,

Yesterday was the 4 month anniversary of my son Josh's passing. For those of you further down the road who have been validating, tender, and encouraging, thanks. For those of you who are still in the deep pain of early loss as I, I wish I could be more supportive of you.....and when I can validate or encourage I will. For all of you fellow travelers on this healing journey, THANKS wherever you are. THIS is the only forum/place where I know you all "get it."

As for tonight, I have a bad cold, IBS (whole digestive system irritated, HUGE loneliness around missing Josh, and work tomorrow. I need meds to sleep, and they are a mercy.

JD's mom....what a beautiful boy!!! I wish I could post pics of my Josh here, but all of his childhood ones are only on Facebook. If it's possible to post them here, will someone let me know how??

Dee, and Kate and Davey....please keep sharing your "snapshots" of the simple sweetness of "ordinary moments" in your life. I cannot feel them in mine....and....your glimpses somehow bring light in the darkness.

Love to all on here,

David

[BrendaDup59]

Hello. First to those of you who I have been personal messaging with, I must have done something wrong and cannot get into the personal messaging and can't figure out what I did to mess it up. This has been such a difficult week for my dear grandbabies. We are so thankful that we have these precious little girls ages 4 and 5 and they make us smile when we don't feel like smiling. However when they are greiving it is the most painful heartbreaking thing to witness. My Sarah died at age 33 on March 14th. Both the girls were close to their mama. Maddie is 5 and Becca is 3. They both miss her so much but the Maddie being the oldest was extra close to her. This week they girls started school. Maddie is in Kindergarten and Becca in Pre-K. They sstarted on Wednesday which was also Becca's 4th Birthday. When I left for work that morning the girls were excited (their daddy was taking them to school) Before I pulled out of the driveway Maddie came running out to my car and said " Mimi, today I start Kindergarten and I need a Mommy hug." We have developed a plan that when the girls or I miss mama we ask each other for a mama hug. I gave her a huge hug and off she went. Becca did well as she was so excited. She is also very close to her Daddy which helps. All of her life Mama was sick and she was close to her but also very attached to Dad. For her Birthday she wanted to go to Burger King ( to play more than eat) then we came back home had cake. It was so hard not to have Sa rah here but we made it good for our baby. The girls did well the rest of the week and both loved school. Well yesterday we had a party for Becca with extended family and it was so very hard but becca had a good time. I noticed that Maddie had been withdrawn all day and knew what was going on . Last night she was laying in bed with me and told me that her new friend Carolyn was crying for her mama at school on Friday and her mama came to pick her up. She then said something that broke my heart. she said" Mimi I want my mama to come and pick me up too and she never will be able to come get me. These precious little girls have a whole lifetime of not having mama there for any of their special days. We are making sure that we talk to them all of the time about Sarah and keep her alive for them, but they will have to face missing her when they need their mama the most. I know the pain I feel and I am an adult but little ones should not have to have such pain and loss. Sarah loved these little angels so much and fought with all she had to survive the disease that took her to be able to be here for them. Oh it just hurts so much!

"

y

Sandra, I do know what you are going through to a point , when I lost Brian , his little brother Kaleb now 10 , is just now really processing that his brother is never coming back , yesterday he ask for a stamp and a balloon and I ask why? he said he wrote to God and I ask if I could read it, he said yes, well he ask God to give Brian and his grandma Doris a second chance because we are stressed .. breaks my heart then my grand children (Brian's) 4 year old it seems has taken it the hardest, he still cries for him and Brians youngest Jaci 21 months still reaches out her arms for him when she see's his picture , Jordan the 4 year old ask Traci the other night if she was dreaming about daddy when she cries in her sleep she did not realize he could hear her or that she was crying in her sleep, Jakob the 9 year old is angry a lot . they each show it in different ways .. . my son was one of the best fathers I have ever known , so patient and you can see how much he influenced their personality's they are great kids. I feel so bad for their mom she sure has a lot on her plate raising 6 alone we do what we can and it seems like we are just about the only ones that do besides my mom . this has been a hard week just never seems to get any easier. Take Care Brenda

[BrendaDup59]

Dear All,

Yesterday was the 4 month anniversary of my son Josh's passing. For those of you further down the road who have been validating, tender, and encouraging, thanks. For those of you who are still in the deep pain of early loss as I, I wish I could be more supportive of you.....and when I can validate or encourage I will. For all of you fellow travelers on this healing journey, THANKS wherever you are. THIS is the only forum/place where I know you all "get it."

As for tonight, I have a bad cold, IBS (whole digestive system irritated, HUGE loneliness around missing Josh, and work tomorrow. I need meds to sleep, and they are a mercy.

JD's mom....what a beautiful boy!!! I wish I could post pics of my Josh here, but all of his childhood ones are only on Facebook. If it's possible to post them here, will someone let me know how??

Dee, and Kate and Davey....please keep sharing your "snapshots" of the simple sweetness of "ordinary moments" in your life. I cannot feel them in mine....and....your glimpses somehow bring light in the darkness.

Love to all on here,

David

Hi David, I think if you go to your face book photos and open them you can right click your mouse and save picture to your computer . name it Josh 1. then 2 and so on also look where you are saving them I have a lot of Brian's pics in my Downloads , so I always go there to get them anyway once you save them then you come on here and where it says Browse it will take you to where your files are you pick one and then click the attach this file you have to do that for each photo then at the bottom just add reply. any questions just ask. I hope you underdtand what I am saying. Take Care Brenda

[JD's Mom, Becky]

David, Anything you have on facebook you can post here. bring it up on facebook, open the picture, right click and copy, then open this forum, click reply, and then just right click and paste inside your message where you want the photo. You can drag to size it once there.

Hope you feel better soon!

Thank you all for your nice comments about Jared's photo. He did have the most beautiful eyes... a window to his soul.

Dear All,

Yesterday was the 4 month anniversary of my son Josh's passing. For those of you further down the road who have been validating, tender, and encouraging, thanks. For those of you who are still in the deep pain of early loss as I, I wish I could be more supportive of you.....and when I can validate or encourage I will. For all of you fellow travelers on this healing journey, THANKS wherever you are. THIS is the only forum/place where I know you all "get it."

As for tonight, I have a bad cold, IBS (whole digestive system irritated, HUGE loneliness around missing Josh, and work tomorrow. I need meds to sleep, and they are a mercy.

JD's mom....what a beautiful boy!!! I wish I could post pics of my Josh here, but all of his childhood ones are only on Facebook. If it's possible to post them here, will someone let me know how??

Dee, and Kate and Davey....please keep sharing your "snapshots" of the simple sweetness of "ordinary moments" in your life. I cannot feel them in mine....and....your glimpses somehow bring light in the darkness.

Love to all on here,

David

[mrsduc]

I thank all for your thoughts. I will not break my promise for my own selfish reasons. I have worked since 2003 taking care of my mom who told me she did not ever want me and did not love me, but I took care of her to try and show her that I was not the kind of person she always said I was. And when she died dad went and put me in the will and that was the first time I was in the will. And if I let someone else do the job then we loose that money. I am not going to move in until he is really worse. My husband is going to move in with him and I will bring food over everyday. But right now my husband goes over in the morning and brings him breakfast and stays with him all morning and he also brings over some dinner that he can heat in the microwave, either something I have made or we have bought him. Then he is alone the rest of the day to drink and play with himself. My husband has at times gone back in the afternoon to make sure he was still ok and in the winter when his heat was off for acouple of days and we tried to get him to come to our house and he would not my husband kept a fire going and they stayed in the living room to keep warm and I brought food. So I do not let that part stress me it is the part of how long is this going to last. Haven't I lived and done enough for everyone that I want to move on. I don't know where but I do know that I want him to die and I want to get out of this expensive city and go back to the country where 5 cars is a traffic jam and everyone you meet are nice to you and treat you like family. I miss that so much. A neighbor who does not even know you comes over and introduces themselves, which is how I saw neighbors do when I grew up. A neighbor who may not know you too well would give you their shirt off their back if you needed it. That is where I want to go back to. That was where my husband and I were the happiest and we worked together and felt like a team. Now we just exsist and we both hate it. But we do it for the prize because with all our ailments neither can work again. And my husband was offer disablity and we had to turn it down when they said we were only allowed a certain amount in both our checking accounts and I got more money deposited in my account by my dad each money and so we had to give up that and because of that we can no longer have medical assistance which we need more than anything because of all the doctors he must see. They are very expensive and he needs them to survive all the damage in his leg. But medical assistance said that if he didn't apply for disablity he would not continue to get assistance so he did that only to keep the medical even though he did not want the money so someone else could have it. But now he looses everything. Just pisses me off.

But anyway, the puppy has been the focus for me the last two days and it has not bothered me a bit. He will now have nothing to do with my husband because I have been the main care taker. So at midnight I went upstairs and he stayed downstairs to allow it easier for him to take the puppy out. Name wise we are having a hard time. I asked Robert and all of a sudden it popped into my head the name spunky and I would never think of that. So I brought it up to my husband and he said sounds good so then I told him how I came to the name and he said then it must be it. Then this afternoon all of a sudden I said while playing with the puppy Little Bear and my husband loved it and now we seem to be calling him that but we are not sure that will be it or not. I will show you a picture and maybe you can help. People that see him think he should be named snowball, and that had been my first choice and my husband said no. he wanted popcorn and I said no. He is so tiny. Smaller than his picture even shows.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

47 weeks today, Jared. I miss your smile, your laugh, and most of all your hugs.... ♥ U Infinity, son.

I remember... this and many other moments you made us laugh. I didn't take an actual picture last September, when you decided to jump in the pool in the midst of the hurricane, but I have tried to recreate that picture that's in my mind...

[tantraman8]

HEY BECKY!! Even though Josh was much older when he passed, I think he and Josh might be "soul brothers!!" Jumping into a pool in the middle of a hurricane, is at least in the essence of Josh when he was a adolescent! Nice memory of Jared's enthusiastic spirit!!!!

Love,

David

[shorty16]

We are going through an AS9100C and ISO9001:2008 standards this week. 2 Auditors for 5 days.

I am running it.

Please think of me this week.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[JD's Mom, Becky]

David,

I hope they know each other in heaven! I only wish I had taken real pictures that day, but it was POURING rain, and I didn't want to take a camera into that. If I had only known I would have found a way. He was laughing like he was having the best time of his life, and the raft was going around in circles, and depositing him out on the sidewalk, as the pool was overflowing with water!! Then he got out, went to the castle climber, which is a swingset and sliding board, and slid down the slide, and he had gotten soo big, and because it was pouring rain, he ended up with his legs halfway the playhouse that sat about 10 feet away from the slide! I stood at the backdoor watching him through the glass door, waiting with a beach towel to wrap him when he finally had enough fun and came in. I was fussing at him to hurry before we lost power and get a hot shower! He was so happy... he could make fun out of anything!

My great nieces, much younger, thought he was a rock star! He helped to teach the two of them to swim, and would do tricks in the pool to amaze them. He also let my 7 year old great niece suggest tricks to try on the skateboard. I can still see her in my mind as she would sit on the steps of the front porch and clap her hands when he was successful. He was all smiles. They loved him. I watched the younger of the two girls when she was just a baby for about 18 months, and Jared loved when she was here. He could bring himself right down to her level to play, and had many happy hours watching them.

Thanks for helping me remember happier times!

HEY BECKY!! Even though Josh was much older when he passed, I think he and Josh might be "soul brothers!!" Jumping into a pool in the middle of a hurricane, is at least in the essence of Josh when he was a adolescent! Nice memory of Jared's enthusiastic spirit!!!!

Love,

David

[tantraman8]

Dear Becky,

I hope they know each other as well. I wonder if, in coming to this forum, all of our kids wind up connected as well? In a few minutes, I head out the door for work. At four months into this journey, none of the the things that used to bring me joy or anticipation do that now. I am slated to fly to Ohio during the holidays, which will entail me being with my three surviving kids and 7 of my eight grandchildren. But, in a way ( and I know it's still a few months off) I AM NOT looking forward to it. My three surviving kids want me to be alright, to be healed, and I'm NOT. I feel like I can't be depressed or a mess around them, because even though they are adults, they each have their own challenges. They need to feel like I'm going to be OK and...I struggle to get through each day. I am headed to work, and wondering how I can continue to be there for my patients, although it's god for me to have the structure. BTW...... anyone else who is reading this, please feel free to comment.

Becky, this isn't a "dump" on you. I LOVE you sharing how Jared showed up for your grandnieces!!! I am just in a four month dark place....and have a hard time not hating "my new normal." Love to all on here..

David

[JD's Mom, Becky]

David,

If you were to go back and read some of my posts since I joined here in November, you would see that I, as well as others, have been where you are. I can see where a bit of light shines through for me now, almost at a year since losing my precious son. For a very long time, I couldn't get the images in my head to go away about how he died and if he suffered, and how I wish I was right there at that moment. Those thoughts are still there, but not as often. I am very honest with where I am to others.They can understand it or not, but it is where I am. I understand where you are with trying to put a positive foot forward for the sake of your other children and grandchildren. I do the same thing, and it does get easier with the passage of time to do that, but thank GOD there is this place where we can come and speak what is in our hearts, where there is true understanding.

I feel like it's one step forward, then three steps back for me. Just last night I commented to my husband, Jerry, that I don't think I will ever get used to this. Nothing will ever be the same, and in the back of my mind, I think I am still waiting for an end to it, to open the door to his room and him be there. It's such a hard journey, this new life.

Strength and peace to you and all here.

[daveydow1]

Hello to all Indigos. -------Just checking in, but not much to say right now. This time of

year is somehow a bit of a 'downer' for me....end of summer,...fall around the corner..

and winter after that. I've been canning tomatoes, but the garden is also winding down.

PEACE AND COMFORT TO ALL.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Joscelyn]

Hey everyone, having a really bad day today. I am seriously losing it, and can't find my way. Everything seems so useless, I had to call into work today because I can't get it together enough to even get out of my pajamas, or put on any make-up because i can't stop crying.I don't know how to continue to be strong, this seemed to come out of no where, i thought I was coping, I thought I could be strong for everyone but apparently i can't even be strong enough to make it to work. Sorry I know i am babbling , don't know what else to do.

[BrendaDup59]

Hey everyone, having a really bad day today. I am seriously losing it, and can't find my way. Everything seems so useless, I had to call into work today because I can't get it together enough to even get out of my pajamas, or put on any make-up because i can't stop crying.I don't know how to continue to be strong, this seemed to come out of no where, i thought I was coping, I thought I could be strong for everyone but apparently i can't even be strong enough to make it to work. Sorry I know i am babbling , don't know what else to do.

Jos, I am sorry you have to be here but you could not have found a better place to cry, we all know what you are feeling , I lost my son in March to a motorcycle accident he was only 32 and a husband & father to 6 . he is missed by so many , I have had days where all I did was cry, and still do , I still have trouble functioning sometimes because the hole I feel like I am in is just so dark. , but I have faith from what they tell me here it does get better and I will be glad when I can just look at his picture without crying . I still have his little brother to raise he is 10 and is a special needs child and is just really processing losing his brother. please tell us about son, and when you can post some pictures. there are some on here that have been on this road longer and will be able to help you . if you need to talk message me any time. Take Care . Brenda

[ericasmom]

Jos and Dave, you are strong, way stronger than you thought, who would ever have thought to be strong enough to be alive after losing our baby? That is strong, that is courage, as far as healing, that just takes more time adn more of the same courage and strength. sometimes though, strength comes in the form of tears, those tears let loose allow for movement maybe tomorrow or the next day. tears are not weakness but necessity. Today I heard a song while getting ready for work, I began to weep, the song touched a piece inside my alter to Erica, and I wept. It had to come out, I don't even try to keep that in. Does no good inside. She exists in my life still, nine years later, she is still and always will be my Daughter, and at 19, she was finding her way to adulthood and loving it. I am grateful for the time I did have, but will always mourn the time I didn't have with her. I miss her, always will and so when folks ask, I say I have two Children, one in Heaven and one here.

Sherry it is typical for us to begin to worry about the lack of sunlight and the shortening of the days, the colder weather promises a more secluded life, less outdoor animals to view and take delight in, no growing things. I feel that way and also I do believe that those of us who lose a Child, even nine years ago for you and I both, that each change in season causes our hearts to tick off more time, yet another season that they are not here with us to walk through. Though they are present, I know that they are present.

[BrendaDup59]

Hi, well my youngest granddaughter Jaci finally walked today ,Traci posted a video of her , we were worried as she is going to be 2 in October , she was a preemie and had failure to thrive when she was born, Brian was with her the most and she was such a daddy's girl. he called her his cherry on top. seeing her finally walk was a happy thing and a sad one that Brian was not hear o see it and call to tell me ,if Jaci made a noise I got a call.. and I miss those calls so much.

Well I hope everyone has a good evening. I wish I could just get this migraine to go away. Brenda

[ericasmom]

Brenda, I am sorry that this guy thought that that was funny. Nope!

Love that Jaci is walking. Brian is grinning I am sure.

[mysonrich]

FTW...

This is what has occurred during the last 4 days. This is what happens when I refused to be further extorted/coerced into paying money that I do not owe with the threat of removal. JUST TO MAKE CLEAR, THIS DISCUSSION , THE BILL, IS NOT MINE. My rental agreement did not start until July 15. I arrived July 21. THIS IS MY BROTHER AND HIS G/F! To say I am in shock is an understatement. To believe he would actually do this.....I have no brother. I'm rather sick over this but as Karen/Kathy said, we lived through the worst already. I am packed. I didn't fully unpack. Can you fucking believe this?

me:according to JEA, I just spoke to them, for your information, the bill you have Date Aug 1,2012, is for July. I was here a total of 10 days in July. After speaking with Carol, she told me that she paid July's bill. I can see that she did not and in fact, had over a $200.00 balance plus July. She made an agreement with me and one or both of you broke that agreement. I just paid a large portion of her bill. 68% of a bill that was generated when I was not here. generally, a tenate, which I am, does not pay for utilities until they have moved in. If, as you stated, you are losing money by me living here, you should have reviewed your numbers before you made the offer to move here.

In your remark that you should never rent to family let me say just one thing, you never would have pulled this stunt on a non-family member. You took advantage of me in a new place, faraway from everything that I know and is familiar.

Telling me to move or leave because I don't agree with your billing method is cruel Robert. and I have to wonder what has happened to you to treat any person in this manner.

I'm sure the bill that will soon arrive stating SEPT 1, will reflect my usage for the hottest month of the year. And I do believe that you can view online billing at JEA when you set up the account.

him:You have to be out by sept 1 , I'll pay the month of aug electric. .

This has not worked out , I wish it did . There is no lease , your in my friends house who you called a thief,

What did you expect ?

( just a side note: nothing occured before this. I feel like I have been scammed. BIG TIME.)

me:when I talked to carol about the electric bill for july I raised the concern that I was not here for the entire month. I was here for 10 days in July. she told me that it was ok, july had been paid. i never called her a thief. i asked that she make her wishes clear and the amount due clear . I thought that she had at the end of july when we spoke. when you told be the bill was in, dated Aug 1,2012, that would reflect Julys usage. if anything, I owed a rate average of 10 days. 132.00 /31. i paid you 90.00 Robert and I wasn't even here.

him:How days do you need to move out?

me: no answer. Lawyered up.

ME---last night I pulled up all my plants except the SNAKE looking plant I think it/they should stay. I'm taking the tubers with me.

And, its funny where old friends show up.

[BrendaDup59]

FTW...

This is what has occurred during the last 4 days. This is what happens when I refused to be further extorted/coerced into paying money that I do not owe with the threat of removal. JUST TO MAKE CLEAR, THIS DISCUSSION , THE BILL, IS NOT MINE. My rental agreement did not start until July 15. I arrived July 21. THIS IS MY BROTHER AND HIS G/F! To say I am in shock is an understatement. To believe he would actually do this.....I have no brother. I'm rather sick over this but as Karen/Kathy said, we lived through the worst already. I am packed. I didn't fully unpack. Can you fucking believe this?

me:according to JEA, I just spoke to them, for your information, the bill you have Date Aug 1,2012, is for July. I was here a total of 10 days in July. After speaking with Carol, she told me that she paid July's bill. I can see that she did not and in fact, had over a $200.00 balance plus July. She made an agreement with me and one or both of you broke that agreement. I just paid a large portion of her bill. 68% of a bill that was generated when I was not here. generally, a tenate, which I am, does not pay for utilities until they have moved in. If, as you stated, you are losing money by me living here, you should have reviewed your numbers before you made the offer to move here.

In your remark that you should never rent to family let me say just one thing, you never would have pulled this stunt on a non-family member. You took advantage of me in a new place, faraway from everything that I know and is familiar.

Telling me to move or leave because I don't agree with your billing method is cruel Robert. and I have to wonder what has happened to you to treat any person in this manner.

I'm sure the bill that will soon arrive stating SEPT 1, will reflect my usage for the hottest month of the year. And I do believe that you can view online billing at JEA when you set up the account.

him:You have to be out by sept 1 , I'll pay the month of aug electric. .

This has not worked out , I wish it did . There is no lease , your in my friends house who you called a thief,

What did you expect ?

( just a side note: nothing occured before this. I feel like I have been scammed. BIG TIME.)

me:when I talked to carol about the electric bill for july I raised the concern that I was not here for the entire month. I was here for 10 days in July. she told me that it was ok, july had been paid. i never called her a thief. i asked that she make her wishes clear and the amount due clear . I thought that she had at the end of july when we spoke. when you told be the bill was in, dated Aug 1,2012, that would reflect Julys usage. if anything, I owed a rate average of 10 days. 132.00 /31. i paid you 90.00 Robert and I wasn't even here.

him:How days do you need to move out?

me: no answer. Lawyered up.

ME---last night I pulled up all my plants except the SNAKE looking plant I think it/they should stay. I'm taking the tubers with me.

And, its funny where old friends show up.

Betsy , I am so sorry your having to go through this, my thoughts and prayers are with you , I hope you find a place , they say when one door closes another door opens and I will pray it is a better one for you . Take Care Brenda

[mikesmum]

"You can choose your friends and not your relatives".....

Betsy ~ I am so sorry your move has become a nightmare. Something I know you were hoping would be a starting point for a better life. I can only hope that legally you are clear of this, emotionally you will overcome the betrayal and yes I hope with all my heart that you are able to find a better place to begin. I have to believe also that the Karma bank is open for business.

Colleen - Thinking of you as you step up to the challenge. I have no doubt in your abilities, good luck.

Please pray for Carol and Mike. The last update from their daughter said Mike wasn't doing so well. Carol has been a strength to so many, has endured more than most and right now needs all the love and support we can give her.....

Daffodils up here...sun out....walking Muttley my priority for today....

[mysonrich]

this is nothing Trudi and Brenda. Re;Carol and Mike,I did hear from their daughter via carepages as well. My heart aches for Carol and Mike and the kids and the grand kids. They just wanted to get well and go home. Like I said, a new part of town is nothing. Maybe I'll try another state !

Brenda, you may be able to report that guy to the powers that be at fb. Maybe they can advise him to pull the pic off?

[ericasmom]

In the scheme of things Betsy, it isn't the world crashing in, we know that scene, but it sure does suck. I am so sorry that you have to deal with this. Might you look around there for a place? Does it hold your interest as far as shorelines and weather? I am sorry by the cold-hearted way you were informed of your living status. I have some brother issues too, but boy, this is pretty sucky. Pardon my grown up vocabulary. Please let us know where and what you are up to and how you are getting on. I do agree that something good will come of this turn in your life, but for now it is difficult to have to wrestle with it all.

Trudi, I visited the site for Ralph/Mike this afternnoon, had trouble getting on, had to set up a new password but once I did I saw that it is pretty dire sounding right now. Poor sweet Mike, going through so much with his Champion right there. Prayers of peace for them all. Carol always is a force of nature, always able to remember details about everyone, take care of so many in her life, and here she is not even home in her bed for so many days and nurturing all those around here when she can. She is an amazing woman, one can easily see how much she is loved by her sweet Husband and Family, and this Family as well.

Colleen, I agree with Truds, you will be a strong presence in this round of overseers.

[Jeff's Mom]

Oh Carol and Ralph...how I wish I could ease your suffering. Please know that everyone here is thinking of you and keeping you all in our prayers. Ralph...you are one strong guy. I admire you more then you can ever know. Your deep commitment to your family and your love for your sweet dear wife is so unbelievable. I have never met you, but I consider it an honour to have had the opportunity to at least have crossed your path. You must be one heck of a close knit family. Loving thoughts sent ot all of you.

Betsy...so sorry that you are having to deal with family hassles.Are you ok as far as the storms are concerned?

Trudi...I bet you are looking forward to the spring arriving. How I wish it was just starting for us. It sounds lovely.

Dee...you are so right. I am dreading another season starting in a sense. I see from the posting tonight that I will not post my pics. I am ashamed to say that my husband and I had a very nice day. We didn't do anything in particular, but just decided to take a long walk along the beach. We sat on the sand for ages and watched the waves as they lapped on shore. The occasional flock of birds flew overhead. I grabbed Jeff's camera and just took a few pics. I will admit that I reached down and wrote my son's name in the sand. I watched as the waves washed it away. Maybe tomorrow I will post pics of my daily walks along the beach, etc. Life does continue after over two years. It has to.

Jos....hang in there. Those days are hard. It's okay. Do what you have to to get through this.

Take care everyone. Thinking of you all tonight. Sleep well.

Kate

[tantraman8]

Oh Carol and Ralph...how I wish I could ease your suffering. Please know that everyone here is thinking of you and keeping you all in our prayers. Ralph...you are one strong guy. I admire you more then you can ever know. Your deep commitment to your family and your love for your sweet dear wife is so unbelievable. I have never met you, but I consider it an honour to have had the opportunity to at least have crossed your path. You must be one heck of a close knit family. Loving thoughts sent ot all of you.

Betsy...so sorry that you are having to deal with family hassles.Are you ok as far as the storms are concerned?

Trudi...I bet you are looking forward to the spring arriving. How I wish it was just starting for us. It sounds lovely.

Dee...you are so right. I am dreading another season starting in a sense. I see from the posting tonight that I will not post my pics. I am ashamed to say that my husband and I had a very nice day. We didn't do anything in particular, but just decided to take a long walk along the beach. We sat on the sand for ages and watched the waves as they lapped on shore. The occasional flock of birds flew overhead. I grabbed Jeff's camera and just took a few pics. I will admit that I reached down and wrote my son's name in the sand. I watched as the waves washed it away. Maybe tomorrow I will post pics of my daily walks along the beach, etc. Life does continue after over two years. It has to.

Jos....hang in there. Those days are hard. It's okay. Do what you have to to get through this.

Take care everyone. Thinking of you all tonight. Sleep well.

Kate

[BrendaDup59]

Brenda, I am sorry that this guy thought that that was funny. Nope!

Love that Jaci is walking. Brian is grinning I am sure.

Thanks Dee , I did add a little more detail and the picture he did , I don't know I probably was to sensitive, but I just had a bad feeling about this guy .The video of Jaci walking was so cute she must have fallen 3 or 4 times before she finally got going I told Traci I was so happy she was walking but sad her daddy was not there, but I know he was in spirit cheering her on.

[tantraman8]

Kate,

Just a brief posting. I am glad you and your husband had a good day. I need to believe that those will exist for me one day. Your posts that speak of simple beautiful regular life scenarios are a gift for me.

Thanks,

David

[tantraman8]

Hey everyone, having a really bad day today. I am seriously losing it, and can't find my way. Everything seems so useless, I had to call into work today because I can't get it together enough to even get out of my pajamas, or put on any make-up because i can't stop crying.I don't know how to continue to be strong, this seemed to come out of no where, i thought I was coping, I thought I could be strong for everyone but apparently i can't even be strong enough to make it to work. Sorry I know i am babbling , don't know what else to do.

Dear Jos,

David here...After my son, Josh, died on April 25th, I was away from work until May 21st and then returned. For a while, I think I worked on shock and adrenaline. But a few weeks ago, I went to work, broke down crying, knowing I just couldn't do it that day. Since then, I have applied for a Family Medical Leave to go down from a 40 hour week to 32 hours. Your "not being strong" is about how horrific the trauma of losing a child is. I have NEVER experienced anything so dark and painful. It has been hard for me not to be judgmental with myself. But, the message I keep getting through many sources is to BE GENTLE with myself. Jos, please be gentle with you. Everyone I hear from on here says that falling apart and losing it are normal in these early days... months. When you can, be gentle...

[Joscelyn]

Thank you everyone, I truly appreciate your support. This is one of my favorite pictures of Triston.

[mysonrich]

Dee, yes. i am looking but these things take time. I have settled on an area and looked a 2 places .

Jos,what a great picture! I believe it helps to share in pictures. Babble away. we are listening. I went back to work after 2 weeks. I didn't have a choice. that didn't last long. I did my best but couldn't make it out the door many days. I think I left for a time and started back again. I really can't remember. Back at 32 hours. I had a lot of trouble with short term memory and physical ailments. if you are able to take the time, I think most of us here have, do it. There are others that worked through their grief while working. many that had no choice. Keeping the mind busy is a good thing. There were many days when I applied the make-up several times and still didn't make it. take care of yourself. as Dee has stated, stay hydrated, eat something small,take vitamins. Its hard to stay strong when our foundations have crumbled.

Becky, you really are talented with the graphics. I feel like I'm standing along the pool laughing it up with JD.

Kate, I gathered storm supplies; water,ice,nonperishable food,flashlight, filled the gas tank and found an escape route. The storm was headed towards NOLA and I feel for the mom here that was hit by Katrina.the storm path was/is similar and I'm sure her memories still very painful.

I like to look around and find old Florida. Its still here tucked into the fabric of the vast land area of Jacksonville. of course, lots of Spanish influence in architectural.

Colleen, you're a ace but good luck.

David, i am sorry for the loss of your dear son, Josh. I am sorry that you had reason to search out such a gathering as this but you now know from the responses ,verse,photos and shared daily life what a group this is. My son Rich died at 20 years of age from cardiac dysrhythmia. He went to sleep after a great night out and never woke up. He has a sister, Sarah,myself and his dad to keep his memory alive. I also felt the need to keep strong for Sarah. It took a couple of years before she was able to verbally acknowledge something I shared. Rich was her only sibling. Rich was her friend. We both struggled in our mother/daughter relationship. I believe that putting shattered pieces of our hearts back together ,finding our way, realizing the change in dynamics in our little family is another major component that many struggle with.

Trudi, thanks. I paid the bill even though I felt i should not have. It was that or leave and when questioned, they said leave . I have a bedroom that still lacks carpet or wood flooring. It is concrete. that was supposed to have been taken care of weeks ago. I gave them time because he is family.The small piece of wood with the carpet nails is still in place around the room. I stepped on it 2 days ago and still feel the pain. why do I have the feeling that if I stressed the lack of flooring I would be told, " don't like it,leave". This is a business agreement. I know that. i have rights and as we discussed, I found a friend in a new place.

Tomorrow I have my 2nd interview with a worldwide company. Since Rich died my life has taken me down new roads and not so new roads in the employment field. Once something I was very good at,banking/finance, I could do no longer. Now that I feel stronger I thought I would revisit that world. if I don't like it, I'll leave. (sarcasm)

[ericasmom]

Betsy, good luck in it all, I am impressed with your ability to begin your search and already have an eye on some other places, good for you. If anyone is good in an emergency, I would bet on you, you have driven unknown roads and gone searching for places on your own so I think that your skills at preparedness are quite good.

Prayers for anyone in the path of the hurricane...may it not be destructive after all. It was destructive as a storm in Haiti, so we need to keep them in our prayers as so little improvement since the earthquake.

Hot in my classroom Guys, and I can't open the windows as they are terribly heavy, so waiting on someone to come in and open them.

[Susie_q512]

Hi Everyone,

I know that I have disappeared for along while, but you each cross my mind and heart daily. Not sure where I am or what I'm doing anymore.....the collapse of life following Shannon's death is vast and overwhelming. The 1 year mark is fast approaching, I am no longer living in the home, I may be crazy.....Hell, I probably am somewhat crazy. I'm not a lunatic, but definitely not thinking sanely. I've tried twice to end this misery, which is why I no longer live at home....just can't deal with the loss of my girl, and a broken marriage. I went to a real grief counselor which was harder and more emotional than I had expected. She told me that I am experiencing loss in every category, and that I am not dealing with or working through the loss of Shannon.....not sure what to think about that. She wants me to continue counselling so that I can begin the work of the grief process, but I am not sure that I can afford it, nor am I sure that I want to actually do the work. Denial and resistance seem hard enough.....facing it head on seems stupid and pointless. Trying to reconnect with some of the pieces of me that may still be buried somewhere deep inside. Kind of hoping that I will find enough of me left to restructure or rebuild myself, but still, it seems pointless because Shannon will never be a part of the new me, my new life, in the physical sense. It's like being on a see-saw. I teeter and totter up and down from one extreme to another,my feet never seeming to touch the ground.....I have no balance anymore. I lost everything when I lost her. She was my life, my best friend, my future.....it's so hard to move forward into this future that I do not want. It'snot just my life that has collapsed completely, but Ragan's, her father's and her boyfriend's lives have spiraled uncontrollably.....I try to take care of everyone else, to pick them up and encourage and comfort them, but all I say and do feels like deceit. Leaves me thinking, "Who am I kidding?".

[daveydow1]

Jos-------Thoughts & prayers for strength. Please keep coming

to BI.

Dee-----Yes,....I agree that the change of seasons can be another

page on this journey. Another season without our dear children.

I have always been melancholy at the beginning of fall after my

baby Lisa died in November. It would hit me subconsiously before

I would bring it to mind consiously. Just the way it is. My 'resident'

screech-owl woke me up very early this a.m. He must be in one of

the trees that is very close to the house in the backyard. I love to

hear his call. He will make several calls, then he must fly off, and

I don't hear him anymore until another night. Nature calms the soul.

Shannonsmom----I'm so very sorry that you are facing so many sorrows.

I pray that your councelor will be able to help you make some progress

in the painful place in your life and that of your family. I hope that you

will come back to BI.....everyone here knows and understands your

pain on differing levels. Peace & strength to you, friend.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[BrendaDup59]

Hi Everyone,

I know that I have disappeared for along while, but you each cross my mind and heart daily. Not sure where I am or what I'm doing anymore.....the collapse of life following Shannon's death is vast and overwhelming. The 1 year mark is fast approaching, I am no longer living in the home, I may be crazy.....Hell, I probably am somewhat crazy. I'm not a lunatic, but definitely not thinking sanely. I've tried twice to end this misery, which is why I no longer live at home....just can't deal with the loss of my girl, and a broken marriage. I went to a real grief counselor which was harder and more emotional than I had expected. She told me that I am experiencing loss in every category, and that I am not dealing with or working through the loss of Shannon.....not sure what to think about that. She wants me to continue counselling so that I can begin the work of the grief process, but I am not sure that I can afford it, nor am I sure that I want to actually do the work. Denial and resistance seem hard enough.....facing it head on seems stupid and pointless. Trying to reconnect with some of the pieces of me that may still be buried somewhere deep inside. Kind of hoping that I will find enough of me left to restructure or rebuild myself, but still, it seems pointless because Shannon will never be a part of the new me, my new life, in the physical sense. It's like being on a see-saw. I teeter and totter up and down from one extreme to another,my feet never seeming to touch the ground.....I have no balance anymore. I lost everything when I lost her. She was my life, my best friend, my future.....it's so hard to move forward into this future that I do not want. It'snot just my life that has collapsed completely, but Ragan's, her father's and her boyfriend's lives have spiraled uncontrollably.....I try to take care of everyone else, to pick them up and encourage and comfort them, but all I say and do feels like deceit. Leaves me thinking, "Who am I kidding?".

Susan , I am so sorry your having such a difficult time, I will keep you in my prayers as I have no advice to give as it's only been 5 months since I lost Brian , I am having problems getting out of the house other then sitting out on my porch, if I start to go to the store or my moms I start feeling sick to my stomach and usually end up in bathroom, I make doctors or dental appointments only to cancel them I just really want to be by myself most of the time. and even that can be hard as my mind goes to places I sometimes cant handle . Please hang in there your other daughter still needs you and I am sure a lot of people love you ,just take it a day or a minute or second at a time that's all I can do . I still have my son Kaleb age 10 to take care of so I have to find a way to live this life now . Take Care Brenda

[shorty16]

Dave and Jos,

After Brian was killed, I took over 4 weeks off work and reduced my hours to 32 hours a week for over 1 year.

You are not weak. You are grieving.

There is no shame in reducing your hours.

I did it and it helped.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Jeff's Mom]

Hi Everyone,

I know that I have disappeared for along while, but you each cross my mind and heart daily. Not sure where I am or what I'm doing anymore.....the collapse of life following Shannon's death is vast and overwhelming. The 1 year mark is fast approaching, I am no longer living in the home, I may be crazy.....Hell, I probably am somewhat crazy. I'm not a lunatic, but definitely not thinking sanely. I've tried twice to end this misery, which is why I no longer live at home....just can't deal with the loss of my girl, and a broken marriage. I went to a real grief counselor which was harder and more emotional than I had expected. She told me that I am experiencing loss in every category, and that I am not dealing with or working through the loss of Shannon.....not sure what to think about that. She wants me to continue counselling so that I can begin the work of the grief process, but I am not sure that I can afford it, nor am I sure that I want to actually do the work. Denial and resistance seem hard enough.....facing it head on seems stupid and pointless. Trying to reconnect with some of the pieces of me that may still be buried somewhere deep inside. Kind of hoping that I will find enough of me left to restructure or rebuild myself, but still, it seems pointless because Shannon will never be a part of the new me, my new life, in the physical sense. It's like being on a see-saw. I teeter and totter up and down from one extreme to another,my feet never seeming to touch the ground.....I have no balance anymore. I lost everything when I lost her. She was my life, my best friend, my future.....it's so hard to move forward into this future that I do not want. It'snot just my life that has collapsed completely, but Ragan's, her father's and her boyfriend's lives have spiraled uncontrollably.....I try to take care of everyone else, to pick them up and encourage and comfort them, but all I say and do feels like deceit. Leaves me thinking, "Who am I kidding?".

Susan, I am so very sorry to see that you are having such a difficult time. I am however glad to see you back posting on here. You do not have to go through this alone. We are all here to help support you. I know the pain is so hard at times that is seems unbearable. I agree with Dee... continuing with therapy would really benefit you. I hope it all works out. Take care.

[ericasmom]

yep the windows were opened but very hot nevertheless. Oh well, it is nice out now, a breeze is coming in the windows which does not happen often as they face east.

I sit here in the quiet after the kids leave, this is a TALKATIVE group. I just need the quiet now.

Susan, where did you go when you left the house? Is Ragan okay? I have to agree iwth the counselor on one issue, you are grieving all sorts of loss right now. Your marriage and your husband's illness is heavy by itself, but the loss of Shannon is beyond words, beyond ache and pain and really, in my opinion, continuing on with therapy sounds important right now. It may not be the style that you would like, but for now, maybe just being with someone that can help direct some of your thinking a bit, give you some tools to use when things get too over the top, then it is worth sticking it out. How to afford it is a whole other issue. I wish you so much good to be found Susan, and I swear there will be some good again, just not now. The one year mark undoes us to be sure, it takes with its passing the firsts, and then we have to deal with the rests. I am sorry that this ache and pain has taken over but I do feel that you will be able to take some goodness back into your world one day.

Peace

[mikesmum]

Good Morning Indigo's ~ Much talk about the impact of losing our children. Some so familiar. Relationship dynamics alter irrevocably, perceptions shift and the world spins in such away we feel we have lost control. What once defined us no longer exists.

First year here on this journey is now a blur....I remember much darkness in my life, no direction and a feeling of disbelief. Distances grew over the years. Distances from my life, my family and who I once believed I was.

Some days I have brilliance, I can be happy with my 'new normal'. Others I sink to the depths of that first year. Frustration at my lack of ability to deal with what used to be so simple overwhelms me.

A 'born' carer is how I have been described...I now find that is my lot in life. A son who is barely making it through his addiction, a husband who as succumbed to PTSD after a life of treating trauma. Both live in this house that has become my jail.

This site brings me back to a place where I can draw strength...allows me to vent, to challenge and take a breath....

It does get softer, it does get easier, but it still remains who I am now.....

And now to my dearest friend Carol ~ An Indigo who's strength and compassion for others knows no bounds. I believe her beloved Mike journey has taken a turn for the worse. I have not spoken with her....she hasn't been posting anywhere. Prayers for this mother who nursed her only son till he was called home, now sitting with the love of her life.

This hasn't been an upbeat posting, I wish it could have been...but here, I need no mask, no facade....Indigo's get it....