Loss of an Adult Child

August 22, 2012

Greg, David

One of the strangest things was that Brian (at 15) told us he wasnted to be cremated and not buried. What 15 year old says that?

He had told his friends and us about his wishes. Brian was also an organ donor on his liscence.

Greg, My Brian was the same way, we donated all we could, but the major organs were too damaged to do any good.

Greg, I also heard about that woman who heard her son's heart beat in anothers body. That was on Good Morning America nd I was crying like a baby. What a gift for both.

Colleen, Brian's Mom 4ever.

August 22, 2012

Brenda,
Kaleb RADIATES PRECIOUSNESS!! Oh my God, what a sweet boy.....and your love for him is so powerful and beautiful as well. Sending prayers your way to find the energy to both grieve Brian....and have Kaleb feels the deep love that is in your heart. My kids are all grown. So, I am spared the task you have of grieving Brian while having a little one as well. But, again, thanks for sharing Kaleb. And, I know, for me... quiet time is hard. Don't know what else to say except I remember you sharing about how Brian would call from while he was hunting....and it reminded me of the gift of Josh's calls. Words cannot adequately describe the void, can they?? Thanks for sharing.

Thank you David for such a sweet message, I always knew Kaleb was special but now I know just how much of a blessing he is. to look and act so much like his big brother. I will tell you having a another child when I was 43 has not been easy , but I wouldn't change it for the world. I just wrote on Brian's Face book and it always gets me crying . this is so hard I miss his calls and just knowing he was with his kids who he was crazy about . he was a wonderful father. and it breaks my heart to have to watch them grow up without him . and with my other son not speaking to me or letting me be apart of my grand children's lives just makes this dark hole I feel like I am in just seem even darker. and your absolutely right Words cannot adequately describe the void, but having people who understand what we are feeling has been so helpful , because all of my other friends do not know what to say so they really don't say anything at all. and that can get pretty lonely. well I hope you have a good day .

August 22, 2012

Brenda, my goodness your young Son looks so much like Brian, oh my goodness. I hope Kaleb had a wonderful day in 5th grade. I well understand your emotions from the video, I know your Sis was trying to do something good for you but sometimes the shock and unexpected aspect of seeing our Kids in a video or photo can undo us beyond belief. Today at school with the whole staff, we were watching an old video from a fourth grade in 1994, my brain went nuts, oh no, was Eri in this clip? She was 10, so she was in 5th grade but before I could fully figure this out, I was shaking and tears kept springing to my eyes, the thought that she would appear or her voice would sound during this meeting was almost too much for me. (my kids went to the school where I teach though I was not yet teaching back then). Odd how it is something we want to see but how extremely private these little views are.
Sherry, your surroundings sound so pretty, glad that you were out for a walk under the pretty blues of the sky.

Hi Dee, well Kaleb had a great first day was all smiles when he got home ,I know my sister in no way was trying to hurt me she thought I would like to see Kaleb and the other kids in the video , but it was so hard the rest of the day, I miss him so much I didn't realize ones heart could hurt so much and still work right. but thanks so much for always seeming to have the right words to help .

August 22, 2012

Brenda, I'm sorry you were taken by surprise by the video. I'm sure she did not mean to upset you. I do understand that it would bring you down seeing him. I went to the post office yesterday to collect our mail. There was a postcard from one of my son's friends that was recently married. He was over in Europe on honeymoon and decided to drop us a line. It mentioned of course Jeff and a few other things. I could not but help catch my breath as I wished that my son had lived to marry and have kids. It was so kind of him to think of us...yet it was a reminder. I'm afraid that is the new life you will find yourself living now. It takes a great deal of patience and time to adjust to living without them in our daily lives in the same way.
I hope that Kaleb came home full of info about his new teacher and class. BTW...the video of you feeding the hummingbird is so awesome. How tame it looks! I was watching them earlier today and wondering how much longer they will be staying here. Our nights are getting chilly again.
Sherry...the way you described the area where you live sounded beautiful. This really is a glorious time of the year with leaves starting to change. Do you ever paint any scenes of your property? I remember you mentioning how you planned to stay in the basement in the heat and paint last month.
Thinking of everyone. (Leah, hope you are doing okay)
Kate

Thanks Kate, glad you enjoyed the video , I just love these little guys , I miss them when they leave. Kaleb did great yesterday . I hope it just keeps up. and I sure will try to keep taking my pictures and drawing . it might just help me get through this someway.

August 22, 2012

I read posts just about every day but most of the time, I don’t have much to say. I’m just going along out here. I take every day at a time because the future seems so unsure to me. Julia is supposed to go to kindergarten in a year and that seems so impossible. I couldn’t get Char there so surely I won’t be able to see Julia survive next summer. And William? He’s only 18 months old. Kindergarten is way too far away for him so there’s no way I can get him there.

I finally had a dream about Charlotte last night. It's been so long I was starting to think I would never get to see her again in my dreams.

I was standing next to an outdoor, Olympic-sized swimming pool and she came running up to me. I hugged her and kissed her face. I said to her, "Charlotte, you have to go and ask God if you can come back. I miss you so much." She didn't really answer so I said again more forcefully, "CHAR! Go ask God if you can come back! We miss you. Go ask Him!!!” She kind of nodded and ascent but didn’t say anything more and then it was over.

She was shorter and chubbier like when she was four years-old but her hair was long like right before her accident. It felt good to see her face again and to hug and kiss her. So far I’ve had about 5 dreams of her but she’s yet to really say anything to me.

August 22, 2012

sometimes i quickly look at the memory of being told "no ma' am, he didn't make it" or of telling my pregnant daughter forest was killed or imagining what physically happened to my sweet loving son (the whole bottom half of his face was missing from just below his eyes down--it was covered with a gray piece of cloth) or thinking that he is really dead and i scream NO! out loud. then i immediately move on with my day. do you think i need to deal with this more deeply or i am just going to always have this reaction? i mean it's not that i haven't played these things over and over but sometimes when they show up it is like that initial horrifying shock and i just scream no aloud and cut my feelings completely dead. i'm not sure if that is normal or needs to be worked on some way. i know i haven't grieved fully and i think i will probably be grieving in someway all my life. also he is always in my thoughts. not always in the front but lurking around the corners of my mind which is where i want him i think otherwise he wouldn't be in my life anymore..does any of this make sense or happen to any of you?

"I know that he loves me and he knows that I love him and nothing can break that bond between us."-linda i guess that is what they mean by love never dies. i feel the same way. the love forest and i had/have is so encompassing. sometimes i feel like he is part of me, like we are taking the same breath. i am so glad you are doing better (well you know what i mean) and that you kept coming back even though sometimes you wanted us to just quit bla bla...i could see how frustrating it was for you but you have worked hard i can tell to come to some kind of terms you can live with most of the time. i hope your husband's procedure will give him some relief. i am all too familiar with that as i've had some pretty failed back surgery. btw your the little dogs are cute!

August 22, 2012

I read posts just about every day but most of the time, I don’t have much to say. I’m just going along out here. I take every day at a time because the future seems so unsure to me. Julia is supposed to go to kindergarten in a year and that seems so impossible. I couldn’t get Char there so surely I won’t be able to see Julia survive next summer. And William? He’s only 18 months old. Kindergarten is way too far away for him so there’s no way I can get him there.
I finally had a dream about Charlotte last night. It's been so long I was starting to think I would never get to see her again in my dreams.
I was standing next to an outdoor, Olympic-sized swimming pool and she came running up to me. I hugged her and kissed her face. I said to her, "Charlotte, you have to go and ask God if you can come back. I miss you so much." She didn't really answer so I said again more forcefully, "CHAR! Go ask God if you can come back! We miss you. Go ask Him!!!” She kind of nodded and ascent but didn’t say anything more and then it was over.
She was shorter and chubbier like when she was four years-old but her hair was long like right before her accident. It felt good to see her face again and to hug and kiss her. So far I’ve had about 5 dreams of her but she’s yet to really say anything to me.

i think of you a lot because my son died just a couple days before char. i have those same thoughts about my kids. though mine are older and i am not looking at things they will all do for sure but i do have that doom hanging over me---a little foot note to my thoughts that says IF you don't have another child die. it seems like a horrible reality of life now that i never would have woven into my daily thought patterns before. also i had a similar dream about forest where he was here for a few days and he had to go back and i asked him if he would get to come back and he said he didn't know and i told him oh please please see if you can come back we miss you so.

August 22, 2012

Charsmom-----Yes...those sweet dreams come when we least expect it,

and they are like treasures to us. I have not had a dream of David for

well over a couple years, but will most likely have one sometime again.

Whenever I have dreamed of him in the past, although I see him in the

dream, and talk to him,......he never says anything to me, but I get the

feeling of complete joy that comes with these dreams. I'm so glad

you had a dream of your sweet little girl.

Kate----I do plan on getting outside to do some painting (if I can somehow

find the time). The leaves haven't begun to turn color here yet, but it's

evident that they are a bit diffenent in appearance than in the height

of the summer. Will probably turn colors a bit sooner this year due to

the drought. Are you still needing to put the heat on at night now? Sure

sign that fall is right around the corner.

Dee-----I think this was the first day of school today, wasn't it? If so,

how did it all go? I can imagine that the first week can be a bit hectic,

then the kids get settled into the routine. I hope you get a nice class

like you had last year.

PEACE AND COMFORT TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

August 22, 2012

Sherry, yes we are starting to turn the heat on at night to take the chill off. This week the daytime highs are around 30C (86F) however it dips very quickly once the sun sets. And as we all know the sun is setting earlier every evening.

Wonderful news about Jenelle. I heard from my friend again this afternoon. It appears she is now out of the coma and is heavily sedated on morphine. However, the doctors feel she now has a very good chance of survival. Apparently she is fully aware of everything around her when she is conscious. She has a long road to recovery yet, but it appears she is now out of danger. Thanks to all that prayed for her. I appreciate it.

Kate

August 22, 2012

Sherry, yes we are starting to turn the heat on at night to take the chill off. This week the daytime highs are around 30C (86F) however it dips very quickly once the sun sets. And as we all know the sun is setting earlier every evening.
Wonderful news about Jenelle. I heard from my friend again this afternoon. It appears she is now out of the coma and is heavily sedated on morphine. However, the doctors feel she now has a very good chance of survival. Apparently she is fully aware of everything around her when she is conscious. She has a long road to recovery yet, but it appears she is now out of danger. Thanks to all that prayed for her. I appreciate it.
Kate

great and miraculous news kate!!!!!

August 22, 2012

Sherry, yes we are starting to turn the heat on at night to take the chill off. This week the daytime highs are around 30C (86F) however it dips very quickly once the sun sets. And as we all know the sun is setting earlier every evening.
Wonderful news about Jenelle. I heard from my friend again this afternoon. It appears she is now out of the coma and is heavily sedated on morphine. However, the doctors feel she now has a very good chance of survival. Apparently she is fully aware of everything around her when she is conscious. She has a long road to recovery yet, but it appears she is now out of danger. Thanks to all that prayed for her. I appreciate it.
Kate

Wonderful news Kate.

August 23, 2012

GO JANELLE!!!How wonderful Kate, that Janelle is finding her way and the docs are finding their way to helping her heal.

Sherry, Yep, today I met the kids, 22 of them, one boy did not show up. From the quiet of summer that I crave and never tire from, to the noise of the first day of school with third graders. Oh my what NOISE! I am far more sensitive to noise than I once was, age? Grief? who knows, but boy, am I tired from it today. Doesn't help that I rarely sleep well for the week preceeding school's start. I am absolutely made of licorice right now, very tired. Going to bed at 8:00) which I never do. It was good though, they are so darn cute.

Brenda, Hooray for Kaleb to have had a great first day, tell him to keep that going. One of my previous students came by after his first day of highschool today, Nkabie. He is a most wonderful young man and is on the track team and another sport too, plays an instrument, is figuring out which club he wants to join and has his eye of engineering. This is a kid that hated math when he was little and now is in a pre-engineering math class at freshman year. He always wanted to do well, and he has always had such a strong work ethic. What a joy to see him today. Somehow, Kaleb reminds me of Nkabie (pronounced Kobbie). His smile and build, his spirit shows through and it seems like a strong wonderful sense.

Angela, I was glad to see sweet Char's face today, so pretty a girl. Love your dream, love that you were able to touch her and see her again.

Trudi, those photos are lovely, like you.

Greg, I always wished someone who received the corneas from Eri, or the ligaments and valves and bone would make contact, but they never did. Selfish of me, I just wanted to meet someone that had a source of ERi in them. Same with Eri as your Brian and Col's Brian, her injuries and being taken off life support made it impossible to share her major organs. But she is in many people and I am very grateful for that fact.

Sleep deeply everyone, knowing that we are loved from the heavens.

August 23, 2012

okay, so I went to bed earlier than probably ever, read two pages and fell deeply asleep----for 45 minutes and now awake fully for an hour so began to read and had a back spasm. Now awake and in pain. How will I teach tomorrow if I do not get a night of sleep? Dang.

August 23, 2012

HI Indigos, I have had a couple of busy days, getting ready for the Pop Warner football season. Official weighin this Saturday, t-shirt order in, have to separate and fold those today for distribution tonight at practice, book check on Saturday too, and it seems they add more and more to what's expected of volunteers every season. I have a young couple that are "in training" as administrators for next year. It's time for us to move on. It's just so hard to be out there, not only on the field where Jared played for five years in Pop Warner, but another field where he played Middle School football, and then to see the JV and Varsity, which he played as well, with their cleats clicking across the blacktop at the end of their practice and heading back inside the school to gather their things to go home. I can see Jared there among them, laughing and talking and remembering all the times he came and found me on the parking lot or down at our pop warner field to get my keys to the van to see what I had brought him to eat! It's been nearly a year, and still I cry everyday, and miss him so much it's painful.

Dee: I am glad you had a good first day, and God bless you for doing what you do. We go to practice four nights a week for 2 1/2 hours, and that's more noise than I am used to now, and the games will be much noisier! I am glad you are trying to get plenty of rest! You'll need it for sure! I don't know anything about poetry, don't know what "couplets" even are. Maybe I could try a different style? The whole thing is trying to make something palatable from my thoughts, which are at times very ugly, and it's like a tool to bring myself back from the brink.

Brenda, your Kaleb is precious! What a smile!! My daughter Jasmine and my Jared look a lot alike, and the feelings that invokes sometimes are good, then sometimes make me sad. I was 41 when I had Jared, insulin dependant diabetic, and my family thought I was nuts! I had several miscarriages between Jasmine and Jared, and I believe he was such a gift, and we treasured him, despite the stages that teenagers go through, we loved him so, and had such hopes for his future. I still can't wrap my mind around the thought of him not being in our lives.

Angela, Char's mom, I so envy that you dreamt of your baby girl! I haven't had a dream at all, not that I remember, and my sleep has always been so broken that it doesn't seem as though I ever get to the stage to allow dreams. I have prayed for a dream, have asked Jared to please come to me in any form at all. I see him everywhere because we have so many memories of him, but to go nearly a year without him, when the longest I had ever been apart would have been a weekend when he stayed with one of his friends, and even then we spoke on the phone.

Trudi, your pictures were awesome! Thanks for sharing them.

Kate, I am so glad to hear about Jennelle's progress. I hope God will continue to touch and heal her. She has so much to deal with, her own injuries, and the loss of her friends. My heart goes out to her.

Linda, the pup is soo cute! I haven't spent any quality time with my two boxers. Mother and son, as the neck surgery and recovery just hasn't allowed me to do much with them. My husband is doing all the things that I normally would be doing, like cutting the grass, doing gardening, and taking care of the dogs. Yesterday I did go out and clean their run and feed them, as my husband, home from work and no practice last night, was trying to get the grass cut. We have three acres, and it was really tall. We have had some rain as of late, and a bit cooler weather, in the 80's.

Colleen, Jared was cremated as well, and it was his wish! We went to meet with the funeral director, and when we came home we brought some booklets showing different colors and styles of caskets, and our daughter told us that he had said he didn't want to be buried, that he wanted to be cremated. That was the first I knew of it, although I may have influenced him as I have always said I wanted to be cremated and my ashes scattered on my flowerbeds.

Jared was only 15, so hadn't even thought about being an organ donor, and by the time he was taken to the hospital, I guess it would have been too late. I really wish we had been in our minds enough to ask. I saw that tv bit with the mother hearing her child's heart in another, and I would think that would be amazing. Maybe they didn't ask because he had to undergo an autopsy where it involved a car crashing into him. A procedure that didn't show anything that would have been helpful to determine speed of the vehicle or anything else. The cop told us he usually attended such autopsies, but in Jared's case, he was taken from Delaware to a MD hospital, and then transported to a MD medical examiner, and so he did not attend or contact the ME to state what if any information would be useful to him. That angers me to no end, as I have been told by MD state police, that they would have attended for him if the cop had made a request for them to do so. t makes me sick to think they opened my child's body for nothing. The only thing useful to the cop that came from it, was the toxicology report, in which he was clean and sober. they could have done that without an autopsy.

Gretchen, I understand the feeling of what they would be doing at different points, if they were here. It's really hard to think about. Sometimes, I feel like I am observing things through Jared's eyes. Imagining his reaction to things that we do to try to honor him. The way he would look at something, his facial expressions, how his eyes would sparkle when he spoke of something that made him happy or made him laugh.... how he would drum with his fingertips on anything and everything.... now it's entirely quiet. Jasmine is working most everyday, and Jerry just went back to school where he is a counselor this week, but even when they are here, it's a different type of noise.

To the newcomers here, I read your stories and cried with you, looking at the pictures and the promise those lives held. We do know your pain, and how hard it is everyday to get up and try to live your life, which is now forever changed. My heart to you.

August 23, 2012

Morning All...Becky...I think that it is a really valuable effort that you and your husband have made in volunteering so much of your time. Good luck with the Pop Warner football season! Look after that hand of yours. I also think it is terrific that you are grooming a younger couple to take over and give you an opportunity to relax a bit. We volunteered for years at both our community club and schools. As the soccer convenor my husband was kept running in all directions when the season first started. I can relate to how busy you are right now.

Dee...hope that back spasm cleared up and you were able to get a decent sleep last night.

Woke up this morning to grey skies and a really humid day. It is going to be hot this afternoon and I can already feel my clothes sticking to me. I'm not complaining mind you! It's still summer! And we did not have to turn the heat on last night. In fact, all windows were wide open to let the breezes in. Can't believe the changes in a day or two.

Well, just wanted to say I am thinking of everyone today. Off to a yoga class. Should be good for a laugh! I have not attended for quite some time.

Kate

August 23, 2012

Becky, you are the queen of couplets. I can totally get why you may want to pass the torch with the sports, it is so good of you to be doing yet another year.

My back is bad, I am wearing my brace today, the spasm kept on spasming, and I am hurting. Can't get into the chiro until tomorrow at 3:30. Oh well, if I keep moving it stays looser. The brace holds me the way my muscles need to be when they can't do it themselves.

The kids are great, drawing right now for a free 5 minutes of drawing. Then work time. Three kids absent, hope they are okay, fever flu going around and one is going to the doctor today for her diabetes.

August 24, 2012

Kate, how was yoga? I would like to, and should, take a yoga class, the gym I attend has 'yoga' classes but rarely are they really yoga. It was very hot today here too, tomorrow, even more so. The classroom gets to feeling like an oven.

Be well all, going to watch PROJECT RUNWAY. My guilty plesure

August 24, 2012

Well it looks like tomorrow I will be a grandpa once more. I'm looking forward to meeting the little guy or girl. It's nice to have some things like this in life once in a while.

August 24, 2012

GREG, GRANDPA GREG, congrats and may this Child bring great joy and receive great joy in his/her life.

Blessings.

August 24, 2012

Well it looks like tomorrow I will be a grandpa once more. I'm looking forward to meeting the little guy or girl. It's nice to have some things like this in life once in a while.

Congratulations .. wonderful news.

August 24, 2012

Congratulations Greg...all the best on the new arrival tomorrow!

Dee, did your back settle down? The yoga class that I take is called Restorative Yoga. It is designed for dare I say people of a certain age. It focuses on relaxation, stretching exercises, and we work on particular health issues and/or injuries that we have. It really is very helpful and certainly does help mind, body and soul. We are a very relaxed group and we all have a good sense of humour. Which helps when we make a total idiot of ourselves at certain times.

The day turned out lovely after all. The clouds lifted and the sun came out early afternoon. It became quite hot again. I am sitting here typing this with the windows open listening to the crickets and the waves lapping on the shore. The sky is filled with a billion stars and it is actually one of my favourite times of the day. I am noticing however how quickly the leaves are changing. I love and yet dread this time of year. As beautiful as it is... I know that winter will not be far off. The evergreens are covered with pine cones and that is a sign of a cold winter. Yet they are saying that it will be mild.

Thinking of everyone and hoping you have a decent sleep tonight.

Kate

August 24, 2012

THanks Kate, my back is much better, the spasm settled down, the brace allowed me movement and rested the other muscles that get overworked when I don't wear it during an episode, so I am feeling almost back to normal. No walk this morning, just taking short little walks at lunch and after school, to keep it moving. The sunrise however...it would have been a good day to be out under it as it rose orange and pink. Hot today, in the 90's this afternoon but windy so that should at least help.

Good day All.

August 24, 2012

Dee, glad to hear your back has improved. Glad you are able to teach your students without a physical struggle.

Kate your description of the waves lapping on the shore and the stars sounded idyllic and made me long to be on the water. It's a beautiful sunrise in Tucson. Still kind of dark and quiet and headed toward the time of year where, before work, I can sit in the predawn quiet and sip my morning coffee. I'm headed toward Family Medical leave, which would reduce my work week from five days to four. For those who pray, please do. I need more gentle time.

August 24, 2012

Greg-Congratulations! I hope everything goes okay with Mother and Baby.

Kate-Yes it does sound beautiful the waves lapping and the stars glittering in the sky. But I am like you in that winter is so very hard.

Dee-Try to stay cool and relaxed, although I don't know how you could with 22 or so 3rd graders. Hope the back gets better soon.

Everybody have a good day and weekend if you can.

August 24, 2012

Rhonda-----Good to see Westley's smile.

Kate-----So glad to hear that Janelle is improving. Will continue to say

prayers for her improvement, and her young age will hopefully be in

her favor. I, too, love the time after dark, and listening to the sounds

of the night......crickets, owls, etc. Your yoga class sounds so nice

and beneficial.

Dee-----Oh,...I hope that your back spasms are gone, and that you are

on the mend. Your 3rd graders sound like a lively group, and I guess

that things will settle down a good bit in a week or so, won't they?

We watched the two grandies 6 and 7 yesterday for a few hours while

their parents went out to dinner. They wanted to dig in the dirt, so we

gave them a couple of things to dig with and gave them an area of the

garden where they could take their little cars/trucks and dig til their

hearts content. They had a good time. It appears that our mole problem

in the rhubard patch & under the shed is being handled by nature......

by way of a snake. He has been hanging around out there, and my husband

saw that the snake had apparently been thinning out the mole population.

There were getting to be so many moles.....tunneling etc. It's good

when nature steps in and balances things. The snake has also been

hanging around the barn.....mice in there also....and he knows it, I guess.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

August 25, 2012

Sherry I was picturing your little ones digging and playing in the garden and the fun they were having until you came to the snake part. I am so phobic regarding snakes, I could then picture myself grabbing those two little ones and running! Ha! It is a good thing that the workings of nature do not depend on me huh?

August 25, 2012

Rhonda-----Good to see Westley's smile.
Kate-----So glad to hear that Janelle is improving. Will continue to say
prayers for her improvement, and her young age will hopefully be in
her favor. I, too, love the time after dark, and listening to the sounds
of the night......crickets, owls, etc. Your yoga class sounds so nice
and beneficial.
Dee-----Oh,...I hope that your back spasms are gone, and that you are
on the mend. Your 3rd graders sound like a lively group, and I guess
that things will settle down a good bit in a week or so, won't they?
We watched the two grandies 6 and 7 yesterday for a few hours while
their parents went out to dinner. They wanted to dig in the dirt, so we
gave them a couple of things to dig with and gave them an area of the
garden where they could take their little cars/trucks and dig til their
hearts content. They had a good time. It appears that our mole problem
in the rhubard patch & under the shed is being handled by nature......
by way of a snake. He has been hanging around out there, and my husband
saw that the snake had apparently been thinning out the mole population.
There were getting to be so many moles.....tunneling etc. It's good
when nature steps in and balances things. The snake has also been
hanging around the barn.....mice in there also....and he knows it, I guess.
Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry
Sherry, you know my feeling about snakes! Yikes. But I have to agree that nature does indeed solve many of it's problems. In Alberta they are releasing snakes in a particular area to deal with the infestation of rats. Having said that...I'm not too sure I am totally loving either one if you ask me.It appears to be working however.
Rhonda...I hope you have a lovely weekend as well!
Dee....here's hoping your back is starting to relax a tad.
David...too bad you didn't live closer we could share a cup of coffee in the late hours of the evening listening to the waves. It is very healing and comforting. Hope your week was somewhat better as it progressed.
Carol...how are you and Ralph? I want you to know that I am sending love and prayers to all of you. I sure hope that you will be able to make it back home the two of you before long.
Trudi...Has summer arrived yet? Thinking of your husband and his situation. I hope that things are slowly starting to improve.
Maddy...my friend...how did the kids manage on their first few days back at school? What is new in your neck of the woods? More classes on the go for you?
Susan...always in my thoughts and sending love your way to Ragan and you.
Leah...how is your Mom? Are things beginning to sort themselves out with the family? Send me a pm when you have a chance.
Louise...(HUGS)
Gretchen...thanks for your concern about Jenelle. It does appear as if prayers have been answered at this point. She is now firmly on the road to recovery.
Greg...Boy or Girl?
Colleen...Think of you often and so glad that you are now finally on the way to feeling a sense of peace!
Becky...Well, I hope your health holds up with all the events over this next few days. Take care of yourself! Let us know how it goes.
Betty...your discription of Florida and your new abode sounds terrific! Post more pics if you can. I love to see them.
Brenda...hope Kaleb and you have a good weekend. And please post more pics. I love to see them. Thanks.
I know I'm forgetting people. Sorry...Ran out of steam. Off to watch a great reality show called Love It or List It. Takes place in Toronto. A interior designer fixes up an existing home and a realtor shows the couple houses that will tempt them to sell. It give me a ton of ideas for decorating. So, off for the night. Hubby watching his fave footaball team. Take care everyone and sleep well.

August 25, 2012

My journal entry today:

It has been 40 weeks since you went HOME. This is the exact same amount of time I carried you in my womb. It took 40 weeks for you to develop from 2 random cells joined together by an act of love into an embryo, then a fetus. At the end of those 40 weeks, I had to let you leave my body...you were ready and there was no keeping you safe inside me anymore, where I could always kee...p you warm and protected. The labor of it was challenging, exhilarating and exhausting. One minute you were a fetus, the next you were born, and became an infant. You were my easiest delivery, in spite of being 9 pounds. I remember telling your Daddy that I would be ready for another child soon. I was saddened that you had left my body, but happy that you were outside of it at the same time, where I could see you and hold you in my arms.

I could communicate with you either way. We had always had that "mind-meld" thing going on. I did with all my daughters, but it was most apparent with you, my Jillybean. You came out studying the world so seriously. The night you were born, as I studied your fingers, toes and beautiful face, you gave me the first of many looks that spoke volumes. That look said "this is my temporary home." You were a wise old soul in a little body. I had taken care of many babies at that point in my career, and you were just different somehow. I wondered if it was because you were such a sponge, soaking up the emotions I was going through as I carried you. My own Daddy died when I was 30 weeks pregnant with you. I sobbed, and you kicked. I cried all the way to Virginia, where we laid him to rest. You got very quiet, as if letting me grieve and just being there quietly, holding space with me in my darkest hours.

I rubbed my tummy a lot, trying to stroke you and comfort you. You ended up comforting me instead. Those 40 weeks I carried you were so precious. I loved you with all my heart before you were laid in my arms. Now God carries you in His arms. He has held you, loved you and cherished you even more than we ever can ever imagine, although we try our best. You are so safe with Him, I never need to worry about any harm coming to you now, or ever again. It is no wonder that you heard Him calling your name and leaped into His arms. We can't begin to fathom the intensity of that love while we are in human form. But you can now. You experience it always.

40 weeks seems like so long ago. An eternity for us...and yet, just a fraction of a second ago for you. Your room still has your scent. I have given away a few things, and loaned out a couple others to bring friends comfort, but it is largely unchanged. We are just not ready to have your room be anything else yet. Was it only 279 days ago that we spent the day together? You laughed at me as you cranked up the radio and sang "Red Solo Cup." We shared lunch at the mall. You ran errands with me that evening. Then you hugged and kissed me goodnight and walked out the door... Was it only 280 days ago that I looked upon your very beautiful, but oh too still body laying on that gurney behind the fire truck, officially identifying you for the police? One minute you had a body, the next minute, your soul was flying. Even without closing my eyes I can still see the leaves in your hair that morning and the little smirk on your lips. Did you leave at the beginning of a smile as you saw the angels coming? Or was it because you knew all along that your work here needed to be done quickly, and that your stay would be short? Perhaps it was because you heard your Heavenly Father's voice, calling you to come Home now, and were delighted by the sound of it.

Has it only been 40 weeks since our world shifted on its axis? I can't even remember who I was before that time. Our world still turns, but differently. We have all changed. You changed us, both with your life, and also with your passing. We love more deeply, and appreciate the little things much more intensely. We make more of an effort to communicate with others who may also still be hurting. Some days, there is even some joy in small amounts. We have learned to keep going somehow, to keep putting one foot in front of the other and look ahead to the day we will all be reunited in our eternal Home. This journey is difficult, every bit as difficult as labor was. In the end, though, I believe it will be worth it, just as you and your sisters were worth every labor pain I felt.

I miss you sweet girl. I miss your big brown eyes and your wonderful sense of humor. I miss your mischievous grin. You really didn't get away with half the things you thought you did, but your antics still make me smile just thinking of them! Thank you for your constant reminders that you are still close by and safe, still loving us and doing your very best to bring us comfort during our "labor." Perhaps you have become a nurse after all! :rolleyes:

August 25, 2012

My journal entry today:
It has been 40 weeks since you went HOME. This is the exact same amount of time I carried you in my womb. It took 40 weeks for you to develop from 2 random cells joined together by an act of love into an embryo, then a fetus. At the end of those 40 weeks, I had to let you leave my body...you were ready and there was no keeping you safe inside me anymore, where I could always kee...p you warm and protected. The labor of it was challenging, exhilarating and exhausting. One minute you were a fetus, the next you were born, and became an infant. You were my easiest delivery, in spite of being 9 pounds. I remember telling your Daddy that I would be ready for another child soon. I was saddened that you had left my body, but happy that you were outside of it at the same time, where I could see you and hold you in my arms.
I could communicate with you either way. We had always had that "mind-meld" thing going on. I did with all my daughters, but it was most apparent with you, my Jillybean. You came out studying the world so seriously. The night you were born, as I studied your fingers, toes and beautiful face, you gave me the first of many looks that spoke volumes. That look said "this is my temporary home." You were a wise old soul in a little body. I had taken care of many babies at that point in my career, and you were just different somehow. I wondered if it was because you were such a sponge, soaking up the emotions I was going through as I carried you. My own Daddy died when I was 30 weeks pregnant with you. I sobbed, and you kicked. I cried all the way to Virginia, where we laid him to rest. You got very quiet, as if letting me grieve and just being there quietly, holding space with me in my darkest hours.
I rubbed my tummy a lot, trying to stroke you and comfort you. You ended up comforting me instead. Those 40 weeks I carried you were so precious. I loved you with all my heart before you were laid in my arms. Now God carries you in His arms. He has held you, loved you and cherished you even more than we ever can ever imagine, although we try our best. You are so safe with Him, I never need to worry about any harm coming to you now, or ever again. It is no wonder that you heard Him calling your name and leaped into His arms. We can't begin to fathom the intensity of that love while we are in human form. But you can now. You experience it always.
40 weeks seems like so long ago. An eternity for us...and yet, just a fraction of a second ago for you. Your room still has your scent. I have given away a few things, and loaned out a couple others to bring friends comfort, but it is largely unchanged. We are just not ready to have your room be anything else yet. Was it only 279 days ago that we spent the day together? You laughed at me as you cranked up the radio and sang "Red Solo Cup." We shared lunch at the mall. You ran errands with me that evening. Then you hugged and kissed me goodnight and walked out the door... Was it only 280 days ago that I looked upon your very beautiful, but oh too still body laying on that gurney behind the fire truck, officially identifying you for the police? One minute you had a body, the next minute, your soul was flying. Even without closing my eyes I can still see the leaves in your hair that morning and the little smirk on your lips. Did you leave at the beginning of a smile as you saw the angels coming? Or was it because you knew all along that your work here needed to be done quickly, and that your stay would be short? Perhaps it was because you heard your Heavenly Father's voice, calling you to come Home now, and were delighted by the sound of it.
Has it only been 40 weeks since our world shifted on its axis? I can't even remember who I was before that time. Our world still turns, but differently. We have all changed. You changed us, both with your life, and also with your passing. We love more deeply, and appreciate the little things much more intensely. We make more of an effort to communicate with others who may also still be hurting. Some days, there is even some joy in small amounts. We have learned to keep going somehow, to keep putting one foot in front of the other and look ahead to the day we will all be reunited in our eternal Home. This journey is difficult, every bit as difficult as labor was. In the end, though, I believe it will be worth it, just as you and your sisters were worth every labor pain I felt.
I miss you sweet girl. I miss your big brown eyes and your wonderful sense of humor. I miss your mischievous grin. You really didn't get away with half the things you thought you did, but your antics still make me smile just thinking of them! Thank you for your constant reminders that you are still close by and safe, still loving us and doing your very best to bring us comfort during our "labor." Perhaps you have become a nurse after all!

all i can say is this is lovely--thank you

August 25, 2012

It is 6:30am and I have been up since 4. I guess to some degree I am excited about my new puppy coming today. But for the last while I have been crying for my son Robert. I want him back and since that can't be I want so badly for God to call me home so I can be with him. I want to be with him and talk to him like we use to, everyday 3 to 4 times a day an hour or more each time. We never got tired of talking to each other. I was all he had that was honest with him in the family and did not try to buy him and control him but tried my best to help him and guide him and show him another side of love that can be so good and healthy. But I know even before it happened that he was too far gone for me to help him. All my boys have been destroyed in the name of so called love. How I hate that word that to me is suppose to be so kind and sweet and protective and nurtoring but for my boys it was mean and controling and torment and anything else not nice and still is for the two living and they want nothing to do with me because the evil that has caused all this to begin with first are still alive and second it is probably too late for us since they too are brainwashed against me. Which only makes me hurt so for Robert more. He was the only one that gave me a chance after all the pain of what happen to them as a child, Maybe because he was the oldest but he also told me things that happened to him and his brothers that I will have to live with forever that make me sick and would make your hair curl if I told. I guess one of the reasons that I am crying is maybe because I shared exciting things with him and he loved animals and we would talk about his love of his two dogs. And I do believwe that the only thing that kept him alive for so long was his love for his dogs.

I am also going thru a thing with my birth sister and I am not sure if it is me or if its real. But she found a boyfriend after 2 years of us talking and me helping her get off of meth and helped her to start feeling better about herself and bought her clothes and took her on a cruise with us and took her to CA for Robert's bday. But she wrote me privately on FB that I am being a spoiled selfish person that I had her for 2 years whenever I wanted and now that she has a boyfriend that I don't like it that I don't have her. I told her I was so happy that she had a boyfriend but that I had hoped that she would not forget me who I thought we were friends along with being sisters. But she apparently didn't want that. Now she is texting me and writing me privately on FB asking what is going on and she feels like I have shut down with her. You see she now has no boyfriend and so now she wants me back like nothing is wrong. And I jsut at this time can't play in and out of someones life. It hurts me so, and I told her that too. And no she is not young she is just 5 years younger than I am and she is a grandmother of 4. I just constantly even before Robert died but more so now question what I feel is real and how to react to something. So I get so afraid all the time.

I sometimes think that my son took the best way out of this world because he will always be young, he is gone long before his grandparents are and his father and me and his brothers. But it makes me sad that he just couldn't of lasted just some more time. I would of given anything to do over the last year starting with last Sept. when I went to see him in La and he did not want me to leave when he dropped me off at the airport. I just stood there like a mean bitch like I did not care that my son was balling his eyes out like a little baby. I hated it. But I did not know what to do. I know now I would of never left that night. I would of called him up and asked him if I could stay awhile and I know that is what he wanted. Because he started the drugs in Oct. and I asked him what was he doing that I thought he was doing so good without them. And all he told me in one sentence broke my heart. He said I just miss you mommie. He had not called me mommie since he was very young. Now there was another time I should of gone to him. But did not take the clue. Then I heard from him that he was shooting up and his arm was infected I should of gone then. But no and the next thing I know he is dead. I feel like a terrible mom. He needed and wanted me and I once again was not there for him. I do not know when i will ever get over that or if I will. Thanks for listening. I just wish I had the courage to do what Robert did so I could be with hm, but I do not so I have to live in this living Hell that my life has been on this earth the minute I was born. I know there are alot of things we cannot change but there are things we can and even though my life has been nothing but hateful and hell and everything inbetween I have been somehow a strong person or unlucky to live to be tortured in another way. Who knows but I live on and I still am a nice caring person towards people. But how long is that to go on when life on this earth keeps knocking you down as fast as you get up and this time as I have said I am not getting up as fast. I am hoping that these animals will help to keep me preoccupied so as not to think or feel and just laugh at their antics but nothing more. I just don't want to feel or think anymore. My husband after almost 8 months asks me what would I like to eat and I say the same thing everytime I don't know. I do not have any appetite and I am not sure I ever will. But I eat what is put in front of me acouple of bites. But most of the time I go day or two without eating only ice cream. Anyway thought I would share. Thanks

August 25, 2012

Louise your journal entry to Jilly is beautiful, I am tearful at the beauty of your words and your belief system. She is certainly safe and that is something I felt right away with Eri too, that she was safe, that she was not gone but home. You might really like reading Isabelle Alende's The Sum of our Days, a journal to her daughter, Paula, about the ten years since Paula died.

Linda, I am sure that the anticipation of the puppies is making you think so fully about the loss of your Sweet Son. He is waiting for the puppies too, in a new way, watching and hoping that the dogs do give your heart some joy.

August 25, 2012

My journal entry today:
It has been 40 weeks since you went HOME. This is the exact same amount of time I carried you in my womb. It took 40 weeks for you to develop from 2 random cells joined together by an act of love into an embryo, then a fetus. At the end of those 40 weeks, I had to let you leave my body...you were ready and there was no keeping you safe inside me anymore, where I could always kee...p you warm and protected. The labor of it was challenging, exhilarating and exhausting. One minute you were a fetus, the next you were born, and became an infant. You were my easiest delivery, in spite of being 9 pounds. I remember telling your Daddy that I would be ready for another child soon. I was saddened that you had left my body, but happy that you were outside of it at the same time, where I could see you and hold you in my arms.
I could communicate with you either way. We had always had that "mind-meld" thing going on. I did with all my daughters, but it was most apparent with you, my Jillybean. You came out studying the world so seriously. The night you were born, as I studied your fingers, toes and beautiful face, you gave me the first of many looks that spoke volumes. That look said "this is my temporary home." You were a wise old soul in a little body. I had taken care of many babies at that point in my career, and you were just different somehow. I wondered if it was because you were such a sponge, soaking up the emotions I was going through as I carried you. My own Daddy died when I was 30 weeks pregnant with you. I sobbed, and you kicked. I cried all the way to Virginia, where we laid him to rest. You got very quiet, as if letting me grieve and just being there quietly, holding space with me in my darkest hours.
I rubbed my tummy a lot, trying to stroke you and comfort you. You ended up comforting me instead. Those 40 weeks I carried you were so precious. I loved you with all my heart before you were laid in my arms. Now God carries you in His arms. He has held you, loved you and cherished you even more than we ever can ever imagine, although we try our best. You are so safe with Him, I never need to worry about any harm coming to you now, or ever again. It is no wonder that you heard Him calling your name and leaped into His arms. We can't begin to fathom the intensity of that love while we are in human form. But you can now. You experience it always.
40 weeks seems like so long ago. An eternity for us...and yet, just a fraction of a second ago for you. Your room still has your scent. I have given away a few things, and loaned out a couple others to bring friends comfort, but it is largely unchanged. We are just not ready to have your room be anything else yet. Was it only 279 days ago that we spent the day together? You laughed at me as you cranked up the radio and sang "Red Solo Cup." We shared lunch at the mall. You ran errands with me that evening. Then you hugged and kissed me goodnight and walked out the door... Was it only 280 days ago that I looked upon your very beautiful, but oh too still body laying on that gurney behind the fire truck, officially identifying you for the police? One minute you had a body, the next minute, your soul was flying. Even without closing my eyes I can still see the leaves in your hair that morning and the little smirk on your lips. Did you leave at the beginning of a smile as you saw the angels coming? Or was it because you knew all along that your work here needed to be done quickly, and that your stay would be short? Perhaps it was because you heard your Heavenly Father's voice, calling you to come Home now, and were delighted by the sound of it.
Has it only been 40 weeks since our world shifted on its axis? I can't even remember who I was before that time. Our world still turns, but differently. We have all changed. You changed us, both with your life, and also with your passing. We love more deeply, and appreciate the little things much more intensely. We make more of an effort to communicate with others who may also still be hurting. Some days, there is even some joy in small amounts. We have learned to keep going somehow, to keep putting one foot in front of the other and look ahead to the day we will all be reunited in our eternal Home. This journey is difficult, every bit as difficult as labor was. In the end, though, I believe it will be worth it, just as you and your sisters were worth every labor pain I felt.
I miss you sweet girl. I miss your big brown eyes and your wonderful sense of humor. I miss your mischievous grin. You really didn't get away with half the things you thought you did, but your antics still make me smile just thinking of them! Thank you for your constant reminders that you are still close by and safe, still loving us and doing your very best to bring us comfort during our "labor." Perhaps you have become a nurse after all!

August 25, 2012

Dear Louise,

Your entry to Jilly is SOOOO beautiful. It touches my heart. Today is the 4 month anniversary of my son, Josh's passing out of this plane.

When he was about two, he could not yet say his "S" consonants. So, "stupid" was "tupid" etc. Anyhow, at that time there was a song out by Louden Wainright the 3RD called "Dead Skunk in the Middle of the Road." My little toe headed boy would sing, at the top of his voice, " Dear KUNK in the middle of the road TINKIN to HIGH HEAVEN!!"

I have an audio file of Josh's last two voice messages to me, the last being, " Talk to you later, LOVE YOU, bye."

The exquisite sweetness of your and Jilly's love is so tender, so rich. Thanks for sharing from your heart. And, thanks for giving me a glimpse of 40 weeks. My four months have been mostly heavy with plenty of short signs from God that I am loved and cared for.....but then the heaviness and back to one foot in front of the other.

Your love for Jilly and hers for you reminds me of how blessed I was to have Josh on the planet as long as I did.

Blessings to you.... and Thanks again.

David

August 25, 2012

My journal entry today:
It has been 40 weeks since you went HOME. This is the exact same amount of time I carried you in my womb. It took 40 weeks for you to develop from 2 random cells joined together by an act of love into an embryo, then a fetus. At the end of those 40 weeks, I had to let you leave my body...you were ready and there was no keeping you safe inside me anymore, where I could always kee...p you warm and protected. The labor of it was challenging, exhilarating and exhausting. One minute you were a fetus, the next you were born, and became an infant. You were my easiest delivery, in spite of being 9 pounds. I remember telling your Daddy that I would be ready for another child soon. I was saddened that you had left my body, but happy that you were outside of it at the same time, where I could see you and hold you in my arms.
I could communicate with you either way. We had always had that "mind-meld" thing going on. I did with all my daughters, but it was most apparent with you, my Jillybean. You came out studying the world so seriously. The night you were born, as I studied your fingers, toes and beautiful face, you gave me the first of many looks that spoke volumes. That look said "this is my temporary home." You were a wise old soul in a little body. I had taken care of many babies at that point in my career, and you were just different somehow. I wondered if it was because you were such a sponge, soaking up the emotions I was going through as I carried you. My own Daddy died when I was 30 weeks pregnant with you. I sobbed, and you kicked. I cried all the way to Virginia, where we laid him to rest. You got very quiet, as if letting me grieve and just being there quietly, holding space with me in my darkest hours.
I rubbed my tummy a lot, trying to stroke you and comfort you. You ended up comforting me instead. Those 40 weeks I carried you were so precious. I loved you with all my heart before you were laid in my arms. Now God carries you in His arms. He has held you, loved you and cherished you even more than we ever can ever imagine, although we try our best. You are so safe with Him, I never need to worry about any harm coming to you now, or ever again. It is no wonder that you heard Him calling your name and leaped into His arms. We can't begin to fathom the intensity of that love while we are in human form. But you can now. You experience it always.
40 weeks seems like so long ago. An eternity for us...and yet, just a fraction of a second ago for you. Your room still has your scent. I have given away a few things, and loaned out a couple others to bring friends comfort, but it is largely unchanged. We are just not ready to have your room be anything else yet. Was it only 279 days ago that we spent the day together? You laughed at me as you cranked up the radio and sang "Red Solo Cup." We shared lunch at the mall. You ran errands with me that evening. Then you hugged and kissed me goodnight and walked out the door... Was it only 280 days ago that I looked upon your very beautiful, but oh too still body laying on that gurney behind the fire truck, officially identifying you for the police? One minute you had a body, the next minute, your soul was flying. Even without closing my eyes I can still see the leaves in your hair that morning and the little smirk on your lips. Did you leave at the beginning of a smile as you saw the angels coming? Or was it because you knew all along that your work here needed to be done quickly, and that your stay would be short? Perhaps it was because you heard your Heavenly Father's voice, calling you to come Home now, and were delighted by the sound of it.
Has it only been 40 weeks since our world shifted on its axis? I can't even remember who I was before that time. Our world still turns, but differently. We have all changed. You changed us, both with your life, and also with your passing. We love more deeply, and appreciate the little things much more intensely. We make more of an effort to communicate with others who may also still be hurting. Some days, there is even some joy in small amounts. We have learned to keep going somehow, to keep putting one foot in front of the other and look ahead to the day we will all be reunited in our eternal Home. This journey is difficult, every bit as difficult as labor was. In the end, though, I believe it will be worth it, just as you and your sisters were worth every labor pain I felt.
I miss you sweet girl. I miss your big brown eyes and your wonderful sense of humor. I miss your mischievous grin. You really didn't get away with half the things you thought you did, but your antics still make me smile just thinking of them! Thank you for your constant reminders that you are still close by and safe, still loving us and doing your very best to bring us comfort during our "labor." Perhaps you have become a nurse after all!

Louise, your journal entry is so touching and beautiful. Your deep love for your child is so evident and heartfelt. Yes, I think she has become a nurse after all...she had you as an excellent teacher.

August 25, 2012

Dear Louise,
Your entry to Jilly is SOOOO beautiful. It touches my heart. Today is the 4 month anniversary of my son, Josh's passing out of this plane.
When he was about two, he could not yet say his "S" consonants. So, "stupid" was "tupid" etc. Anyhow, at that time there was a song out by Louden Wainright the 3RD called "Dead Skunk in the Middle of the Road." My little toe headed boy would sing, at the top of his voice, " Dear KUNK in the middle of the road TINKIN to HIGH HEAVEN!!"
I have an audio file of Josh's last two voice messages to me, the last being, " Talk to you later, LOVE YOU, bye."
The exquisite sweetness of your and Jilly's love is so tender, so rich. Thanks for sharing from your heart. And, thanks for giving me a glimpse of 40 weeks. My four months have been mostly heavy with plenty of short signs from God that I am loved and cared for.....but then the heaviness and back to one foot in front of the other.
Your love for Jilly and hers for you reminds me of how blessed I was to have Josh on the planet as long as I did.
Blessings to you.... and Thanks again.
David

David, your Josh sounds as if he was a real cutie when he was younger. Yes, the four month mark is a tough one. Still so new to this journey... and yet you are making a huge effort to move forward as Josh would want you to do. When you are having those down days try to wrap yourself in the loving and happy memories that you have of him ...as you would in a warm and comforting blanket. His last two messages to you said it all! You sound like you are a great dad and he in turn knew it and loved you back...BIG TIME! Hang in there.

Kate

August 25, 2012

It is 6:30am and I have been up since 4. I guess to some degree I am excited about my new puppy coming today. But for the last while I have been crying for my son Robert. I want him back and since that can't be I want so badly for God to call me home so I can be with him. I want to be with him and talk to him like we use to, everyday 3 to 4 times a day an hour or more each time. We never got tired of talking to each other. I was all he had that was honest with him in the family and did not try to buy him and control him but tried my best to help him and guide him and show him another side of love that can be so good and healthy. But I know even before it happened that he was too far gone for me to help him. All my boys have been destroyed in the name of so called love. How I hate that word that to me is suppose to be so kind and sweet and protective and nurtoring but for my boys it was mean and controling and torment and anything else not nice and still is for the two living and they want nothing to do with me because the evil that has caused all this to begin with first are still alive and second it is probably too late for us since they too are brainwashed against me. Which only makes me hurt so for Robert more. He was the only one that gave me a chance after all the pain of what happen to them as a child, Maybe because he was the oldest but he also told me things that happened to him and his brothers that I will have to live with forever that make me sick and would make your hair curl if I told. I guess one of the reasons that I am crying is maybe because I shared exciting things with him and he loved animals and we would talk about his love of his two dogs. And I do believwe that the only thing that kept him alive for so long was his love for his dogs.
I am also going thru a thing with my birth sister and I am not sure if it is me or if its real. But she found a boyfriend after 2 years of us talking and me helping her get off of meth and helped her to start feeling better about herself and bought her clothes and took her on a cruise with us and took her to CA for Robert's bday. But she wrote me privately on FB that I am being a spoiled selfish person that I had her for 2 years whenever I wanted and now that she has a boyfriend that I don't like it that I don't have her. I told her I was so happy that she had a boyfriend but that I had hoped that she would not forget me who I thought we were friends along with being sisters. But she apparently didn't want that. Now she is texting me and writing me privately on FB asking what is going on and she feels like I have shut down with her. You see she now has no boyfriend and so now she wants me back like nothing is wrong. And I jsut at this time can't play in and out of someones life. It hurts me so, and I told her that too. And no she is not young she is just 5 years younger than I am and she is a grandmother of 4. I just constantly even before Robert died but more so now question what I feel is real and how to react to something. So I get so afraid all the time.
I sometimes think that my son took the best way out of this world because he will always be young, he is gone long before his grandparents are and his father and me and his brothers. But it makes me sad that he just couldn't of lasted just some more time. I would of given anything to do over the last year starting with last Sept. when I went to see him in La and he did not want me to leave when he dropped me off at the airport. I just stood there like a mean bitch like I did not care that my son was balling his eyes out like a little baby. I hated it. But I did not know what to do. I know now I would of never left that night. I would of called him up and asked him if I could stay awhile and I know that is what he wanted. Because he started the drugs in Oct. and I asked him what was he doing that I thought he was doing so good without them. And all he told me in one sentence broke my heart. He said I just miss you mommie. He had not called me mommie since he was very young. Now there was another time I should of gone to him. But did not take the clue. Then I heard from him that he was shooting up and his arm was infected I should of gone then. But no and the next thing I know he is dead. I feel like a terrible mom. He needed and wanted me and I once again was not there for him. I do not know when i will ever get over that or if I will. Thanks for listening. I just wish I had the courage to do what Robert did so I could be with hm, but I do not so I have to live in this living Hell that my life has been on this earth the minute I was born. I know there are alot of things we cannot change but there are things we can and even though my life has been nothing but hateful and hell and everything inbetween I have been somehow a strong person or unlucky to live to be tortured in another way. Who knows but I live on and I still am a nice caring person towards people. But how long is that to go on when life on this earth keeps knocking you down as fast as you get up and this time as I have said I am not getting up as fast. I am hoping that these animals will help to keep me preoccupied so as not to think or feel and just laugh at their antics but nothing more. I just don't want to feel or think anymore. My husband after almost 8 months asks me what would I like to eat and I say the same thing everytime I don't know. I do not have any appetite and I am not sure I ever will. But I eat what is put in front of me acouple of bites. But most of the time I go day or two without eating only ice cream. Anyway thought I would share. Thanks

Linda, okay so the day has arrived that you have so eagerly awaited for the arrival of those precious pups. You are going to be one busy lady for the next while. They are going to need a ton of attention and love from you. Look forward to hearing about your first day. Please post pics when you can. Have FUN!

Kate

August 25, 2012

Only get the male today and the femal comes Sept. 4th. So one at a time. I relize also that tonight will be the 5th year anniversary of my mom's death. I do not have any feelings at all about it. And that is sad but I dont. She did nto want me even thought she adopted me but she first told me with her actions as I grew up and then when I was an adult she told me the truth that she never wanted me and did not love me, so why should I be sad for her being dead except I am no longer taking care of her. And we have been stuck in limbo now because we have my pervert dad that wants still to have sex with me so I stay away alot now and my husband gets stuck with him. So not alot of good in my life. I try to make good in it by puppies that love me no matter what and I love them. But if we have to move in with dad and dad does not like the dogs then I will be in a deliema that i do not want to think about. Just not a good day today at all. Just crying almost continuelly since 4am. Stop for awhile and then start up again.

Linda, okay so the day has arrived that you have so eagerly awaited for the arrival of those precious pups. You are going to be one busy lady for the next while. They are going to need a ton of attention and love from you. Look forward to hearing about your first day. Please post pics when you can. Have FUN!
Kate

August 25, 2012

David, your Josh sounds as if he was a real cutie when he was younger. Yes, the four month mark is a tough one. Still so new to this journey... and yet you are making a huge effort to move forward as Josh would want you to do. When you are having those down days try to wrap yourself in the loving and happy memories that you have of him ...as you would in a warm and comforting blanket. His last two messages to you said it all! You sound like you are a great dad and he in turn knew it and loved you back...BIG TIME! Hang in there.
Kate

Thanks Kate.....tears in my eyes....your words and support mean so much. Josh, for a while, exuded hard ass on the outside, but underneath was this tender heart and I felt very loved by him. I know he would want me to have an AMAZING rest of my life on the planet. Down days are challenging around being gentle with myself.... and having hope. Thank God for this site, you, and other parents who understand.

August 25, 2012

My journal entry today:
It has been 40 weeks since you went HOME. This is the exact same amount of time I carried you in my womb. It took 40 weeks for you to develop from 2 random cells joined together by an act of love into an embryo, then a fetus. At the end of those 40 weeks, I had to let you leave my body...you were ready and there was no keeping you safe inside me anymore, where I could always kee...p you warm and protected. The labor of it was challenging, exhilarating and exhausting. One minute you were a fetus, the next you were born, and became an infant. You were my easiest delivery, in spite of being 9 pounds. I remember telling your Daddy that I would be ready for another child soon. I was saddened that you had left my body, but happy that you were outside of it at the same time, where I could see you and hold you in my arms.
I could communicate with you either way. We had always had that "mind-meld" thing going on. I did with all my daughters, but it was most apparent with you, my Jillybean. You came out studying the world so seriously. The night you were born, as I studied your fingers, toes and beautiful face, you gave me the first of many looks that spoke volumes. That look said "this is my temporary home." You were a wise old soul in a little body. I had taken care of many babies at that point in my career, and you were just different somehow. I wondered if it was because you were such a sponge, soaking up the emotions I was going through as I carried you. My own Daddy died when I was 30 weeks pregnant with you. I sobbed, and you kicked. I cried all the way to Virginia, where we laid him to rest. You got very quiet, as if letting me grieve and just being there quietly, holding space with me in my darkest hours.
I rubbed my tummy a lot, trying to stroke you and comfort you. You ended up comforting me instead. Those 40 weeks I carried you were so precious. I loved you with all my heart before you were laid in my arms. Now God carries you in His arms. He has held you, loved you and cherished you even more than we ever can ever imagine, although we try our best. You are so safe with Him, I never need to worry about any harm coming to you now, or ever again. It is no wonder that you heard Him calling your name and leaped into His arms. We can't begin to fathom the intensity of that love while we are in human form. But you can now. You experience it always.
40 weeks seems like so long ago. An eternity for us...and yet, just a fraction of a second ago for you. Your room still has your scent. I have given away a few things, and loaned out a couple others to bring friends comfort, but it is largely unchanged. We are just not ready to have your room be anything else yet. Was it only 279 days ago that we spent the day together? You laughed at me as you cranked up the radio and sang "Red Solo Cup." We shared lunch at the mall. You ran errands with me that evening. Then you hugged and kissed me goodnight and walked out the door... Was it only 280 days ago that I looked upon your very beautiful, but oh too still body laying on that gurney behind the fire truck, officially identifying you for the police? One minute you had a body, the next minute, your soul was flying. Even without closing my eyes I can still see the leaves in your hair that morning and the little smirk on your lips. Did you leave at the beginning of a smile as you saw the angels coming? Or was it because you knew all along that your work here needed to be done quickly, and that your stay would be short? Perhaps it was because you heard your Heavenly Father's voice, calling you to come Home now, and were delighted by the sound of it.
Has it only been 40 weeks since our world shifted on its axis? I can't even remember who I was before that time. Our world still turns, but differently. We have all changed. You changed us, both with your life, and also with your passing. We love more deeply, and appreciate the little things much more intensely. We make more of an effort to communicate with others who may also still be hurting. Some days, there is even some joy in small amounts. We have learned to keep going somehow, to keep putting one foot in front of the other and look ahead to the day we will all be reunited in our eternal Home. This journey is difficult, every bit as difficult as labor was. In the end, though, I believe it will be worth it, just as you and your sisters were worth every labor pain I felt.
I miss you sweet girl. I miss your big brown eyes and your wonderful sense of humor. I miss your mischievous grin. You really didn't get away with half the things you thought you did, but your antics still make me smile just thinking of them! Thank you for your constant reminders that you are still close by and safe, still loving us and doing your very best to bring us comfort during our "labor." Perhaps you have become a nurse after all!

Louise, I sat at 1 am this morning as I could not sleep so I was looking through my online photo albums for pictures of my Brian, and I read what you posted so beautiful, your Jilly sounded like a beautiful young lady inside and out. my heart just breaks for you and all of us that are here ,I got up this morning and cant seen to stop crying . Thank you for sharing your beautiful post with us. Love Brenda

August 25, 2012

Linda, I know that you may feel that you have to take care of your Dad, but you don't. I am not saying that it is easy to walk away and never look back, but sometimes that is all we can do to protect what we have in our lives, in our souls. I will just say that I do not feel guilty for shutting my dad out of my life as soon as my Daughter was born and never going to see him and never missing him. I do not and did not feel responsible for a man who did such bad things to me and to others. He was the one who was the adult, the parent who hurt you. You do not have to move in with him and it should not be up to him to make these decisions. You have a life to live, even though it may not feel like much, today marks a day that lets some light in perhaps with the arrival of puppy.

August 25, 2012

Hi, well I just wanted to stop in, I was up late looking at pictures I had forgotten I had in an online photo album , I found some pictures of Brian ,I had just told my husband that it made me sad that I did not have any pictures of me and Brian the only one I knew of was at his wedding, well I found one last night that I had forgotten, I am so amazed at all the pics I took of him and you would not believe how many are of him loving on his children . Brian was the most loving ,caring father I have ever known, he had patience a mile long , when you called his house it would sound like he had 20 kids in there and they were just his 5 younger ones..I would say how do you stand all that noise he would say... there just kids mom and they are playing.. Jaci his 22 month old still reaches out her arms for him when she sees a picture on one of the digital frames I made for Tracy and the kids I gave them all 3 I had... I made one for Tracy , Justin the oldest and one for all the little ones to watch . with just their dad on it . anyway seeing his face just made for a very sad day ,Kaleb came in and ask e for a stamp and a balloon? I ask him why and he said he wrote to God and ask for God to give Brian and Grandma Doris a second chance because we are all stressed .what a kid, had to try and explain we could not have them back they are with God and Happy and we would see them again someday. well I thought I would share a few pictures I found last night.

Kate .. I will try and get some pictures taken it's almost time for my hummingbirds to leave and I will post a few of my drawings I have done .

Robertsmom .. I am so sorry to hear of your heartache , I hope your puppy will help bring some happiness to you and your husband.

Dee.. I sure hope your back is doing better, Kaleb did OK in school we have an issue ,there is a kid in his class that really likes Kaleb well part of Kaleb's autism causes social problems and understanding how people interact with one another , Kaleb is also very much like his father and alpha personality , he likes to be a leader and everyone do as he says ..but the school is putting him in a program to work on his issues such as social and excepting responsibility and other issues starting Monday. I really hate the thought of him going to middle school next year .I have just gotten so use to everyone at this school and Kaleb does not do well with change . so we have this year to work on some of his issues. thanks for asking about him .oh the pics of him and the little girl is Jayden his 7 year old daughter when she was little .

To all of you I have not mentioned , I am thing about you and I hope you try and have a good weekend. Love Brenda

August 25, 2012

Brenda, lovely photos. Jaycee looks just like her Daddy, so sweet. You can see his love shine through. Mom and Son in the one photo? Nice.

I have a student this year who is autistic as well Brenda. He is high functioning but also lacks some of the social cues that others have. It is a hard thing to teach when it does not come naturally, but it could be that with help from the program, Kaleb will benefit.

August 25, 2012

Brenda, lovely photos. Jaycee looks just like her Daddy, so sweet. You can see his love shine through. Mom and Son in the one photo? Nice.
I have a student this year who is autistic as well Brenda. He is high functioning but also lacks some of the social cues that others have. It is a hard thing to teach when it does not come naturally, but it could be that with help from the program, Kaleb will benefit.

Yep that is one of a few I have of me and Brian. I was always the picture taker . yes Jayden is just like her father, I sure hope that this program helps Kaleb

August 25, 2012

My friend Pete posted this on my face book today. he is the one that did the one with Brian and angel wings.. so nice of him

August 25, 2012

I think that the program will really help Kaleb Brenda, so many good tools and techniques to use to help get the habit of social graces going. Love the photo of Brian.

August 25, 2012

Hi, well I just wanted to stop in, I was up late looking at pictures I had forgotten I had in an online photo album , I found some pictures of Brian ,I had just told my husband that it made me sad that I did not have any pictures of me and Brian the only one I knew of was at his wedding, well I found one last night that I had forgotten, I am so amazed at all the pics I took of him and you would not believe how many are of him loving on his children . Brian was the most loving ,caring father I have ever known, he had patience a mile long , when you called his house it would sound like he had 20 kids in there and they were just his 5 younger ones..I would say how do you stand all that noise he would say... there just kids mom and they are playing.. Jaci his 22 month old still reaches out her arms for him when she sees a picture on one of the digital frames I made for Tracy and the kids I gave them all 3 I had... I made one for Tracy , Justin the oldest and one for all the little ones to watch . with just their dad on it . anyway seeing his face just made for a very sad day ,Kaleb came in and ask e for a stamp and a balloon? I ask him why and he said he wrote to God and ask for God to give Brian and Grandma Doris a second chance because we are all stressed .what a kid, had to try and explain we could not have them back they are with God and Happy and we would see them again someday. well I thought I would share a few pictures I found last night.
Kate .. I will try and get some pictures taken it's almost time for my hummingbirds to leave and I will post a few of my drawings I have done .
Robertsmom .. I am so sorry to hear of your heartache , I hope your puppy will help bring some happiness to you and your husband.
Dee.. I sure hope your back is doing better, Kaleb did OK in school we have an issue ,there is a kid in his class that really likes Kaleb well part of Kaleb's autism causes social problems and understanding how people interact with one another , Kaleb is also very much like his father and alpha personality , he likes to be a leader and everyone do as he says ..but the school is putting him in a program to work on his issues such as social and excepting responsibility and other issues starting Monday. I really hate the thought of him going to middle school next year .I have just gotten so use to everyone at this school and Kaleb does not do well with change . so we have this year to work on some of his issues. thanks for asking about him .oh the pics of him and the little girl is Jayden his 7 year old daughter when she was little .
To all of you I have not mentioned , I am thing about you and I hope you try and have a good weekend. Love Brenda

Hi Brenda, will you look at the great pics of that awesome son of yours? He is such a loving dad and so obviously caring and loving his role of father. BTW...can you believe I have that same blouse as you are wearing? What are the odds? It's cool isn't it...as in summer cool. I'm sorry that looking at the pictures have caused you to feel so down. Hang in there kiddo! You can do it. Dee is the lady to talk to about the special class for Kaleb. I have to agree that if it helps him to feel more comfortable then what can possibly be wrong with it?

Goodness it cooled off here today. Not the forecast. I am so intrigued with the baby robins that nested in our yard. They have plumped up nicely, but still have their speckles. Gosh they are so tame and cute. I am amazed at how I can wander in my yard and gardens and never be irritated by the wasps or bees, etc. We just all do our own thing and they know I am cool with them. No stings to date!

Linda...you are under no obligation to be forced into looking after your dad. I hope the right solution will present itself soon and give you the freedom and peace you deserve. Hope the new pup arrived today and added a touch of cheer.

We could all do with more Pete's in our lives. Loved his pic!

Greg? Boy or Girl? Congratulations on your newest arrival.

August 25, 2012

Hi Brenda, will you look at the great pics of that awesome son of yours? He is such a loving dad and so obviously caring and loving his role of father. BTW...can you believe I have that same blouse as you are wearing? What are the odds? It's cool isn't it...as in summer cool. I'm sorry that looking at the pictures have caused you to feel so down. Hang in there kiddo! You can do it. Dee is the lady to talk to about the special class for Kaleb. I have to agree that if it helps him to feel more comfortable then what can possibly be wrong with it?
Goodness it cooled off here today. Not the forecast. I am so intrigued with the baby robins that nested in our yard. They have plumped up nicely, but still have their speckles. Gosh they are so tame and cute. I am amazed at how I can wander in my yard and gardens and never be irritated by the wasps or bees, etc. We just all do our own thing and they know I am cool with them. No stings to date!
Linda...you are under no obligation to be forced into looking after your dad. I hope the right solution will present itself soon and give you the freedom and peace you deserve. Hope the new pup arrived today and added a touch of cheer.
We could all do with more Pete's in our lives. Loved his pic!
Greg? Boy or Girl? Congratulations on your newest arrival.

Hi Kate, that is so funny you have the same shirt , that picture was taken a few years ago so I do not have it anymore . I hope someday I can look at his beautiful face without feeling such sadness, I know that will happen someday. I just miss him so much .

August 26, 2012

Dee, Brenda, Kate, David and Gretchen....Thank you. This site and it's wonderful members have also helped so much on this journey! I appreciate the support very much and hope that maybe my journal entry has brought just a little bit of comfort to you all. Peace and love.

Louise

August 26, 2012

I know there are other choices in that I do not have to take care of my dad. But if I do not then all the money that he has ssaved and finally put me in the will would be gone in no time. I made a promise to him and i do not break my promise and my promise was that I would do everything I can to keep him at home so he could die there like mom did 5 years ago yesterday night in my arms. My dad has some form of dimensia but they cant tested him because of his drinking. I made the pack with him (as I told everyone that I made a pack with the devil) was because all the factories had closed and there was no jobs and we did not know what to do and my husband had been on workers comp but then he settled and lived on that money for alittle bit but then we had nothing. And now I know that my husband could not work and with all my medical issues neither can I so this is the only thing that I could think to do to keep us going and hopefully secure our future. That is why we are doing it and we pray everyday or should I say I do that he will die soon. But after 5 years I don't know that will happen any time soon.

Linda, I know that you may feel that you have to take care of your Dad, but you don't. I am not saying that it is easy to walk away and never look back, but sometimes that is all we can do to protect what we have in our lives, in our souls. I will just say that I do not feel guilty for shutting my dad out of my life as soon as my Daughter was born and never going to see him and never missing him. I do not and did not feel responsible for a man who did such bad things to me and to others. He was the one who was the adult, the parent who hurt you. You do not have to move in with him and it should not be up to him to make these decisions. You have a life to live, even though it may not feel like much, today marks a day that lets some light in perhaps with the arrival of puppy.

August 26, 2012

I was sitting outside waiting for my little puppy to do his business in the middle of the night and just talking to Robert and crying. I remember that Robert told me thru the medium that it was time for me to live my life and not thru others. And I know that I can't do that. I was born trying to be loved and surviving and never succeeding in the love I wanted so badly. But the minute my boys were born I knew love and felt love for the first time in my life and the day that they were taken from me was the day my life changed forever. I swore that no one was ever going to hurt me or control me again and I became a different person. Not the person I use to be which was quiet and letting anyone and everyone walk all over me, beat me and talk badly about me. But I tried in my own ways to stand up for myself but it never worked. I learned that to love or be loved is pain and i hated that so badly but at the same time I would live each day not because I wanted to but because I kept hoping things would get better. But I am almost 52 and I am not stupid anymore my eyes are wide open and i know that things will not get any better. I know they say that you get out of life what you make of it, but I wait all my life for someone to allow me into their life and I knew each time it was only for awhile and then they would leave sometimes for reasons that they had not control on and sometimes me never knowing and sometimes because I start standing up for myself. But no one stays in my life very long and so that tells me that there is something wrong. And I just don't care anymore. Heck even my husband says he loves me but I know that is only show for the world but inside the house we do not speak or nothing. We seem to have nothing in common and neither of us seem to want to end it and I know he does not like how things are for I am not the same person since Robert died. And I know that I will never go back to the person I was before he died. I don't know who I will be and I just know that I don't care at this point if it hurts Donald or anyone for I wish I could have saved my son and nothing anyone can tell me can make me believe things would of been different. I searched for love all my life. I wanted it so much and the older I got I craved it but no one gave it to me with pain. So to me I learned that love was pain and I did not like love then. But then I had my boys and I learned what real love was to get and give. It was the greatest feeling in the world. And then many years ago when they were taken from me, the love pain came to me so bad that I wanted to be died. And I tried but God would not let me died, But after loosing my boys who were my life, I promise that no one and I meant it too but no one was ever going to control me again. and I do not know if I can love again since Robert died. The pain of love is just too much for me so everyone ve me I just do not want anyone so then I can be alone and no one can hurt me and I just can't continue like this anymore. I am not seeing me changing anytime soon and I know its up to me, but something died in me the minute Robert died and I am not sure all that died but something. And I just don't pull no punches anymore and Donald has found that out. In more ways then one. And I know that I probably will not change in how I treat him sometimes because we do nothing but eat out together but in the house there is nothing. We don't even cook together or eat together. I stopped being a wife long after he stopped being a husband and in public we both play the part. And if this relationship is love I hate it. I can't change it I have tried and I just do not have the strength or the desire anymore. I just want my son and nothing else. I love my other sons and when they call and allow me into their lives for those brief moments I almost feel like nothing happened to us, but the calls from them sometimes by one is often and by the other never. I love my grandaughter and I always would love to be apart of her life but I want more than what I am getting. And not to take over but to let her know how much I love her and to show her and her dad how much I loved him as a little boy. And doing things with his daughter I hope that he would remember somethings we had done together. But the times together are so far apart. And we all live so many miles from each other. And I never will intrude on anyone. I know that people will be mad at what I wrote and think I am a B or crazy, but you know what I am beyond caring about anything anymore. But don't worry, I am not killing myself because God won't let me die. I am to live in this world that I have been in a living HELL from the moment that I was born. Why should now be any different

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