Loss of an Adult Child

[ericasmom]

YOu know Gretchen, that is exactly what you needed today, to see that gorgeous little one with your gorgeous Daughter and hear how she wants to give her family what you gave she and her siblings. Forest must have been grinning ear to ear listening to that conversation. And while he isn't here to play with the Baby Princess, he plays with her, he loves her through and through.

Sweet Forest, talk softly to Mom tonight and let her feel your peace.

[LoriJ]

Hey, another late night, though hopefully not as late as yesterday. It sounds like alot of us have been holding in the same feeling. I'm in the same boat with those who pray for death. I pray for the rapture to come and come quickly. Because I'm torn between two children also and I know Andy is in good hands but my Caitlyn is the one who has to survive in this world having already lost her brother. I understand the feeling of getting the short end of the stick. I've lived over 30 years with a very painful diabilitating disease, recently found out it's actually 3 different diseases. I've never known a "normal" life and not too many people understand what it's like in my shoes unless they themselves have it as well except a handfull of people and God has taken nearly every one of those people from me..my mom, my grandmother 3 mos after my mom in the same hospital room for no known reason, my Dad 10 years to the day of my mom, my brother, 3 babies (miscarriages) ..the year I lost my mom and grandma we lost at least one family member every month that year...the funeral homes know us by name!!! Starting at 18 I entered my first extremely abusive marriage, left that one and went right into my second (Andy's Dad) abusive marriage divorced again and finally went through counseling so I wouldn't make that mistake again. I've been attacked and raped by two strangers. And we lost our house due to a mistake on the mortgage companies part. We had gotten behind on house payments and they set up a payment plan..double payments basically. We could have been paying for a million dollar home with the payments they were expecting but we were making them and next thing we know we get a foreclosure notice. They said that we had failed to make two payments! We hadn't but they claimed we had. Low and behold AFTER they took our house and sold it to someone else we got a check for those two payments! Nothing we could do then. Anyway...life has SUCKED big time. And when anyone who knew all about it asked how I got through it..well it was because I had my two kids. As long as I had Andy and Caitlyn that was all that mattered. So what does God do? He takes Andy from me? IT'S NOT FAIR! He was not just my son he was my best friend! We talked all the time too. We both had trouble sleeping because of pain so we would often watch a movie together at night or if we hurt too bad to get out of bed we would lay in our beds and watch the same tv show and text back and forth about it. God could have healed him. There were so many points where his doctor should have known what was happening or should have just point blank done something different. Why? Why did he have to go?

I start zoning out just talking about it. Yesterday we too had his phone turned off. That should seem like an easy no brainer but to me it was like losing more of him because I would call his phone to hear his voice sometimes..now I can't.

And tonight I got "good news" but ugh...we are holding a walk-a-thon to raise money for a memorial scholarship in Andy's name and one of the other moms works for a local paper and is going to do a write up about it for us...she needs a picture to go with it. I'm having an impossible time choosing a picture. I think I'm going to let my husband choose tomorrow. Seeing as it's 5am yet again.

I am so thankful for all of you. I think of you often and one thing that does make me smile is to think of our kids all being together enjoying heaven. It doesn't make me miss him less but it is a happy picture in my head for a moment.

I've got to try to get some sleep now...long day tomorrow...it's counseling day. G'night...

[LoriJ]

I tried...it said I must enter a post. ?

[LoriJ]

I have no idea why that posted twice. I would delte one but don't know how to do that either.

New Day...Praying it goes well for everyone.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Go to the bottom of one of the duplicate posts, and click on "Edit", when the message comes up just highlight it all and click delete, and then click "save changes".

I have no idea why that posted twice. I would delte one but don't know how to do that either.

New Day...Praying it goes well for everyone.

[TonyRoberts]

Well, on May 31, my son would have been 21, I seem to be having more issues since then. Lately I have been remembering seeing him in the casket, and that seems to be riding heavy on my heart. I was put on Zoloft when I had my first visit to the psychiatrist, which strangely ended up on the first anniversary of his passing. It has been several months, and I am starting to level out on the Zoloft and my emotions are beginning to reappear.

[rlolheiser]

Happy Belated Birthday MICHEAL.. Sorry I missed this date Trudi.. thinking of you and your precious angel

[rlolheiser]

Been in Williston a couple days and taking care of things here.

thanks so much for all your prayers and good thoughts..

guess what I won...

the social worker is steaming mad as the judge shut her down over and over again. She told her that (my daughter) the integrity of the mother is not on trial right now, but that of the grandma, and she found me the best place for Sena. She was so happy to come back with me. I will have hoops to jump through...but it is worth it...

bitter sweet was seeing my grandson.. and he wanted to come with me... breaks my heart.. gott a find a way to bring him here... more and more I find him a part of me. Our relationship just keeps getting stronger..

I know I have to be careful.. but I gotta try... brother and sister need to be reunited too...

again thank you so much for all your support.. now gonna get ready to go to bed... :-)

[JD's Mom, Becky]

JaBoa's Grandma, Oh happy day!! What wonderful news for you and your grandbaby! I hope you will prevail and get the grandson too!

rlolheiser timestamp='1338948916' post='87830']

Been in Williston a couple days and taking care of things here.

thanks so much for all your prayers and good thoughts..

guess what I won...

the social worker is steaming mad as the judge shut her down over and over again. She told her that (my daughter) the integrity of the mother is not on trial right now, but that of the grandma, and she found me the best place for Sena. She was so happy to come back with me. I will have hoops to jump through...but it is worth it...

bitter sweet was seeing my grandson.. and he wanted to come with me... breaks my heart.. gott a find a way to bring him here... more and more I find him a part of me. Our relationship just keeps getting stronger..

I know I have to be careful.. but I gotta try... brother and sister need to be reunited too...

again thank you so much for all your support.. now gonna get ready to go to bed... :-)

[JD's Mom, Becky]

I went to the appointment for the nerve conduction study yesterday, and boy did they light my arm up! Whew! The doctor said I may have probems with my neck, but he also saw a problem with my elbow? Said the nerve to my right hand is compressed in there and I may need surgery to correct it! What?? Another surgery?? He pointed out to me that the nerves on the top of my right hand were jumping all over the place while in a normal relaxed position! I can't believe I never noticed that before!

I called my Dad, because I remembered that they did a similar surgery on him, and the numbness and weakness to the hand didn't get any better, but he then had to have the neck surgery. I don't want to do two surgeries if I don't have to. I guess I will wait for my follow up with the neurosurgeon on the 13th and see what he makes from it all.

[ericasmom]

Becky, yikes! sounds so disturbing to have that strong compression. I know when Ihave had surgeries that have inadvertently jangled or affected the nerve...it is a strange and unwelcome feeling. I hope that whatever is going to be done, that it is done soon so that you can regain some of your strength and usage. I will say prayers for the doctors to know what is best.

Thought of you yesterday and today Becky as three families lost kids in one big accident in another county northwest of us. The car was struck by a semi, and the car was at fault but it is known as a very dangerous intersection. How very sad for the families and friends of these three. Well, we know. I have a feeling that there will be some changes at that intersection soon. But as one woman who lives close to the intersection, " how many are going to have to die to get something done?"

Indeed.

Andy's Mom, I do hope that you will start getting a bit more sleep. I know that finding the right photo is difficult, so many stories associated with each photo. I am sorry for the illness that plagues you, it sounds very tough to drum up energy. Peace to you.

Leah, I am so glad that Sena is home with you again. But if the judge ruled in your favor, why not also rule that your grandboy come home with you too?Is his Dad around? It must be bittersweet and I am sorry but boy, am i glad for Sena right now.

[LoriJ]

Right now I just want to load up my bike trailer and get on my bike and ride...ride until I can't pedal any further.

[mrsduc]

Well another night that I can't sleep. So I decided to get dressed and clean the kitchen (of course quitely so as not to wake up my husband), and then I went down to do laundry that I have been putting off for too long. As I sat on top of one laundry basket sorting the dirty clothes into piles I just started talking to Robert outloud and then the tears just started again. I am so tired of crying for that does not make me feel better. It does not bring my son back. There are so many questions that I have that I will never get answered too and it could possible drive me insane. I just can't seem to stop the questions without answers that flow in my head. I want to know why Robert was even born to have to live in all the pain he had. God knew that what kind of life he was going to have and how and when he was going to die. Why did he even allow him to be born to endure all the pain that he did. I just cannot understand what was my sons purpose on this earth since he lived for such a short time and was so tormented most of his life. I also wonder if I am being punished because everytime i have ever loved someone so much they have left me. I feel like everytime I start to pick myself off the ground, I get knocked down again. I feel like maybe i have not learned whatever I am suppose to learn and that is why I keep getting hurt and being knock down. But this time is the worse. I do not think that I will be able to pick myself up. I get thru each day because for whatever reason God has decided it is not my time to be wth Robert and I must live on this earth to suffer with a broken heart and pain that goes all thru my body and into my soul. I love my husband but I would do anything to be with Robert if GOd gave me the chance. I hate being on this earth without him. I hate that I feel this way. I hate that I have to pretend everyday with people that I am ok when I am not. I can barely function, but I am learning to be a good actress. Robert would be so proud of me for that. I asked him while I was starting to do the laundry in the basement if he could hear me talking to him and could he see me and did he know that I loved him. I asked him why did he have to leave me here all alone. I don;t think he would of done it if he knew that it would hurt me as badly as it has. And I think that is why he left me a video to find. He texted Cheryl and told her that He loved her and thanks for being a friend. But she tried to call him. I always wonder why she never went to his apartment after getting the message she got. But I know she has her own life and she is taking care of her dying sister and tryng to work a job. And she lived about an hour from where Robert lived. I also wonder if Robert would of done it f he had not been doing all the drugs. But I think he started to do the drugs so he could get the nerve to kill himself. I do not know how all of you can go on everyday and you all seem like you are getting along fine. I am not able to do that. Robert was so special to me. I tried to have a baby for two years and when I finally got pregnant I was so happy. I could not wait to hold the baby in my arms. And when I finally did I never could take my eyes off of him. And because Robert was such the best baby and kid it made me want another and that is why I had another child. All because of Robert made it so easy to be his mother. He did not throw temper tantrums like atot of kids did. He was curious about things but he always had a wild imagination and he got alot of attention from me and his dad and his grandparents. He was truely loved by all. And he knew it too. I just wsh that the love that certain people that he loved gave him when he was that young had stayed that way and not the kind of love that destroyed him and his self esteem and made him feel like he was a nothing and always a bad person and would never be good at all. That he was tarnish and I knew this because Robert told me all this and I tried so hard to counter act what they had told him all those years that they had him. But I see now that my love for my son could not save him and that makes me cry and so sad. It has finally shattered my dream or fantasy that love could conquer all. My husband and I are very poor but love has gotten us thru so many bad times. But now I just feel like nothing can help me get over this. I will never be the same and I do not know how to make it better for myself. So I just continue to exsist.

[tobyfreefoot]

Well another night that I can't sleep. So I decided to get dressed and clean the kitchen (of course quitely so as not to wake up my husband), and then I went down to do laundry that I have been putting off for too long. As I sat on top of one laundry basket sorting the dirty clothes into piles I just started talking to Robert outloud and then the tears just started again. I am so tired of crying for that does not make me feel better. It does not bring my son back. There are so many questions that I have that I will never get answered too and it could possible drive me insane. I just can't seem to stop the questions without answers that flow in my head. I want to know why Robert was even born to have to live in all the pain he had. God knew that what kind of life he was going to have and how and when he was going to die. Why did he even allow him to be born to endure all the pain that he did. I just cannot understand what was my sons purpose on this earth since he lived for such a short time and was so tormented most of his life. I also wonder if I am being punished because everytime i have ever loved someone so much they have left me. I feel like everytime I start to pick myself off the ground, I get knocked down again. I feel like maybe i have not learned whatever I am suppose to learn and that is why I keep getting hurt and being knock down. But this time is the worse. I do not think that I will be able to pick myself up. I get thru each day because for whatever reason God has decided it is not my time to be wth Robert and I must live on this earth to suffer with a broken heart and pain that goes all thru my body and into my soul. I love my husband but I would do anything to be with Robert if GOd gave me the chance. I hate being on this earth without him. I hate that I feel this way. I hate that I have to pretend everyday with people that I am ok when I am not. I can barely function, but I am learning to be a good actress. Robert would be so proud of me for that. I asked him while I was starting to do the laundry in the basement if he could hear me talking to him and could he see me and did he know that I loved him. I asked him why did he have to leave me here all alone. I don;t think he would of done it if he knew that it would hurt me as badly as it has. And I think that is why he left me a video to find. He texted Cheryl and told her that He loved her and thanks for being a friend. But she tried to call him. I always wonder why she never went to his apartment after getting the message she got. But I know she has her own life and she is taking care of her dying sister and tryng to work a job. And she lived about an hour from where Robert lived. I also wonder if Robert would of done it f he had not been doing all the drugs. But I think he started to do the drugs so he could get the nerve to kill himself. I do not know how all of you can go on everyday and you all seem like you are getting along fine. I am not able to do that. Robert was so special to me. I tried to have a baby for two years and when I finally got pregnant I was so happy. I could not wait to hold the baby in my arms. And when I finally did I never could take my eyes off of him. And because Robert was such the best baby and kid it made me want another and that is why I had another child. All because of Robert made it so easy to be his mother. He did not throw temper tantrums like atot of kids did. He was curious about things but he always had a wild imagination and he got alot of attention from me and his dad and his grandparents. He was truely loved by all. And he knew it too. I just wsh that the love that certain people that he loved gave him when he was that young had stayed that way and not the kind of love that destroyed him and his self esteem and made him feel like he was a nothing and always a bad person and would never be good at all. That he was tarnish and I knew this because Robert told me all this and I tried so hard to counter act what they had told him all those years that they had him. But I see now that my love for my son could not save him and that makes me cry and so sad. It has finally shattered my dream or fantasy that love could conquer all. My husband and I are very poor but love has gotten us thru so many bad times. But now I just feel like nothing can help me get over this. I will never be the same and I do not know how to make it better for myself. So I just continue to exsist.

sometimes linda i think it is just the joy of loving our children beyond belief, that overwhelming love that must be the gift we receive. truly was there anytime ever in your life that your heart came near breaking just from so much love alone except when it came to the overflow of love for your child? no one on this planet got to be robert's mom. no one got to have that love so intense you can barely breath. i know when they die it is the most horrendous thing that ever happened to us but i drew a chart of the time i got to love my son and i feel i was oh so lucky to get to have him 28 years. even a day would have been worth the pain i am suffering today but he was alive 28 years. no one else got to be robert's mom, even if someone else spent time raising him or whatever no one ever got to experience loving him as hard and as much as you. so that i got to be the person that loved forest with complete total gut wrenching mother love, i try to look at as one of the biggest best things i will ever have been given and when i look around and see i am the only woman in the world that got that i feel pretty blessed. ok i know i know it hurts soo badly i can't always keep this in my mind's eye but it is one of the things i can rejoice in during moments i have a handle on the grief. much love to you linda.

[tobyfreefoot]

Right now I just want to load up my bike trailer and get on my bike and ride...ride until I can't pedal any further.

i love this song. i plan to have it played at my funeral. it helps to try to hold this perspective at least sometime during my day.

[tobyfreefoot]

JaBoa's Grandma--listening to my daughter's husband marvel at the closeness of my children makes me want to lift you up up up with vigor, hope and perseverance in your ongoing struggles to reunite your grandchildren! i am so happy to hear that you were able to convince the screwy system to see your side on this first round!!

[missinglance]

It was recommended for me to come to this room even though I have no lost an adult child. My son was only 16 months old when he passed away of heart complications. I just wanted to introduce myself, and let everyone know that I am thankful for the the support I've received since I started only yesterday. I wish I would have know about this place ong before now, but I didn't even think about his kind of stuff until now. I've always had the support of family and friends, but sometimes even that isn't enough.

I just want to give a little background on my son not only to honor his memory, but to help raise awareness about congenital birth defects. I don't know if you want to read it all, if not just skip it, because it is a an emotional series of events.

While I was pregnant we never once knew that our baby had any medical problems. We were told he healthy and that all the chambers of his heart looked good. My son lance was born with a heart condition called pulmonary atresia with intact ventricular septum in layman's terms the part of his heart that carries oxygen from the heart to the lungs did not develop properly. This can be detected on a ultrasound, but only if the doctor knows what he is looking for. In normal cases for this condition there are three surgeries that the child is supposed to have over extended periods of time over their childhood. Lance's condition was serve, he had open heart surgery when he was 6 days old and when he was 16 days old was placed on a heart transplant waiting list. Waited 3 and a half months for a heart. I know it doesn't seem long but it really is. There were other families who received hearts within days or weeks but sometimes others wait months and months, I know there are family who have waited for longer than we did, but when a child is hospitalized they receive priority to those who are not. . The hard part of your child being the recipient of an organ is that your know that someone else had to lose a child for your child to live. We got the call about a new heart the day before Easter and when the clock rolled over to Easter he was in the middle of surgery, and surprisingly a week and a half later we were on our way home on my husband's birthday. We had a few set backs over the next year or so but nothing that the doctors were extremely concerned about, things that are fairly normal after a transplant. But then on May 22, 2010 Lance went to be with the Lord. He died in our arms at home. He was truly gone before the ambulance arrived even though we performed CPR and so did the medical professionals. What is unbelievable to be is that we never knew there was anything wrong, everything was normal, he was his normal self didn't even seem like he felt bad. He played before bed, went to sleep normally and then in just moments he was crying and the next in the middle of the night he was gone.

It has been a hard long journey, and an even longer one to go. My life was changed so much when Lance was born, and even more when he passed away. My husband and I have struggled along with our family to heal. There is so much more to our story, but these are the most important parts. The most important being that we loved our son very much and suffered a great loss, just as you have. I want to say again how much I appreciate that there are people on here for the support that so many of us need, for big stuff and sometimes the little stuff too. I just want everyone to know that I am here with a caring heart and open ears.

Leslie ( Lance's Mommy)

[shorty16]

Hello Lance's Mom

My son was 16 when he died from car-surfing. This site is called "Loss of an Adult Child", but we are all welcome here no matter what the age.

I read your story and what a fight that little boy had. Getting a donor heart at so young.

My son, Brian was a tissue and eye donor. We could not donate his organs, because he died at the scene, but we were able to provide a better life for many people (30 so far).

It will be 4 years for us on 6-19-2012. The last date I saw my son smile.

Yes, this is the toughest thing any of use have ever gone through, but we are here to say "You are not alone." Other's have walked this road before you and can provide some insight on what you will be facing.

Take care my friend and consider yourself hugged.

Colleen, Brian's Mother 4ever

[ericasmom]

Leslie, I echo what Colleen has spoken, that we are here for you and your story will be felt by everyone here. What a huge hole in your hearts, we sure do get that. No matter the age of our Babies, they were our most loved creatures, we will always miss them. I love that Lance was a happy little guy and that he lived knowing the deep love so evident in your actions and your day to day life with him. Please keep posting and reading and join in whenever and however you like.

Susan, how are you today?

Linda, I love what Gretchen said, we are lucky to have had this kind of love in our lives, and I so agree but yes, the ache is at times insurmountable. I can only promise that it won't always be so. It will soften a bit as you move forward. Remember that moving forward is not an assault on your Son's memory, it is indeed the opposite as he wants his Mom to keep on keeping on. It is in you that his memory is kept aglow.

[westleysmom]

Leslie-As others said to me when I came here, a very sad welcome to you. I wish you didn't have to be here and you still had your sweet Lance. I hope that you will find comfort from others who sadly know the pain and ache that you feel. Not much good can come from the loss of a child, but finding understanding friends has to be one of the best things that happened to me since Westley died. My heart to you.

Trudi-I'm sorry I missed Micheal's birthday and hope you are doing okay. I loved the picture you posted out your front door.

Leah-I'm so glad Sena is back and hope that you are successful in getting your grandson.

Haven't had much time to post lately, but trying to keep up with everyone and reading every day. Sweet dreams tonight of our angels for all.

[mikesmum]

Leslie ~ Your story is heart breaking. A little life gone before there was a chance to begin. Here is were I think Loss of a child means the loss of any child. The empathy, understanding and support is amazing. Its true.."The most important being that we loved our son very much and suffered a great loss"

Rhonda ~ Great to log on today and see Westley's face

Leah ~ Yeah! Finally a sembelance of intelligence. Hope your grandson finds his way to you sooner rather than later.

Right now I just want to load up my bike trailer and get on my bike and ride...ride until I can't pedal any further

I'm with you! I walk Muttley....sometimes I forget he has little legs...and I just want to keep going...

Borrowed from the 'Grief Tool Box' on FB....So true

[mikesmomrs]

Just would like to take aminute to say welcome to you, Leslie...your sweet little Lance will always be with you, but initially in our loss the pain is so tremendously all-consuming, but I am so glad that you found your way here. Here you will find comfort, understanding and love. I am so very sorry for your loss, andthough we all here wish so much you never had need to find us, I am glad that you did. The picture you used in your avatar...he is just adorable!

Leah...so happy for your success in bringing Sena home with you; prayers that her brother will soon follow. strength to you, dear, as you take on yet another responsibility.

Becky...OUCH!!! Sending strength and comfort to you as you travel this road of doctors and treatment.

Rhonda...how is everything in your world...how is Cj? And hubby? So good to see Westley's face.

I have a story to share. The chiro dr I've been seeing is fairly new to me, recommended by my daughter, Cathi. I've seen him 5 times as of yesterday. In that time, of course, we've chatted during my treatments, and of course, the subject of stress came up, along with some of my life stressors. So, of course, the subject of Mike came up. The first couple of times we talked about Mike I told the dr a little about his life, about his death and some about a few things that have happened since, including, of course, a few of the signs we've had. Well, this doctor very much believes in signs from our loved ones, and said "oh, we've a number of patients who have discussed this." We also discussed how Mike is a tremendous spirit and how he had had such a huge personality when he was alive, and seems to have continued with this even in his death. Yesterday, I was getting deep muslce tissue massage by a tharapist I had not met previously, as she had been gone for training. When the doc came into the room he started telling the therapist about how my treatment had been going, etc., and he mentioned to her about Mike and hubby and their illnesses, and Mike's passing. Then he said to me, "Carol, tell Rosie about some of the signs your son has sent to you since his passing." So, I did, and we had a lively discussion and towards the end I mentioned that his kids have also gotten signs from him. They asked me to tell them of a couple, and I told them of a couple the older boys have gotten and when I got to Damon, I told them of the 1975 penny I got in the change from Damon's lunch the day that Sarah had told me that Damon was starting school that Tuesday. (one of the things that Mike was truly upset about when he learned he was going to die was that he wouldn't get to see Damon start school, and we felt that this penny was a sign to us that he "knew" ) Then I was telling them about how, shortly after Mike died, Sarah called to tell me that Damon's little toy vacuum cleaner kept starting by itself, even though she had turned it off. (when Mike was alive, he had bought Damon a little toy vacuum cleaner because Damon LOVED our upright vacuum, and always wanted to play with it when he would come to visit.) The doctor was standing in the doorway as i told this story and suddenly he looked at me and said "Wait...wait, did you say 'Sarah' and 'Damon,' little Damon?" "Sarah is your son's wife, and Damon your grandson?" He was So excited as he said this...then he said, "Well, of course, we know who they are, and we know who Mike is...he is here with Sarah, just about every time she comes in for treatment!" "and, " he said, "she has brought Damon with her sometimes, so of course, we know Damon, too!" Then he said, "Oh, yes, we have had Mike's huge spirit right here, filling this office, when Sarah's been here!" Now, I am sure that this conversation violated every aspect of patient confidentiality that has ever been written but at this point, I don't think any of us were concerned about that. I just hope that Sarah is as tickled about all of this as we were! (Sarah has actually been going to this chiro dr for at least 8-9 years, cause I can remember her going even before Damon was born, but I never knew before yesterday who it was. ) Anyway, just wanted to share that. Tried to make it shorter, but as you all know, brevity s not my longsuit.

[ericasmom]

Brevity is not your longsuit, but storytelling is! You told us a fabulous story, I am grinning ear to ear Carol, thanks for that. I love connections such as this. How nice that the doctor felt Mike too, and there Mike was, making sure of these connections.

Hey Rhonda, how are you? Good to see you tonight.

[mikesmum]

Carol ~ the only thing missing is Mike picking up the phone and saying hi....gotta love your son...

[missinglance]

I wanted to think you all for such a warm and understanding welcome. I am thankful that you all to have found a way into my life to help support me through all the hard times. I truly believe that a persons true character shines in someones time of need. I'm sure you will all be hearing from me a lot this summer especially. I am a teacher so I will have a lot of time to be sitting around and thinking during the summer months.

[missinglance]

mikesmomrs:I enjoyed your story. What you said made me think of something. I think lance gives my family signs. It has been two years since Lance passed and we find passies in the most random places. The first I found in my closet, the second under the dishwasher when we were repairing it, the third my husband got up one morning to go to work, and one was in his work boot, and just the other day we found a passie on my mother's mantle able the stove. To me it is his way of saying I'm still here mommy

[mikesmum]

Leslie ~ Love the signs ~ I believe our children are still around us...

Wonder if you are able to post a pic or Avatar of Lance. I got to see his face and just seeing his smile brightened my day.

[rlolheiser]

I wrote a long post yesterday and lost it.. just gave up...

mostly just wanted to thank you all again.. I am happy my girl is here, on Monday the social workers will be in to do a home study. I am not to worried about it as I have passed this before, so I hope it will be the same this time.

I want to get my grandson but the situation is different, another judge sits on this case, though i am trying to get him to have to step down. He has way to much history with my family from being my divorce lawyer, then the judge that took custody away from me in the summer only to have my ex abuse my daughter... he thought he was doing both parties good, even though I brought in witnesses that said he was mean to my oldest daughter.. anyway.. he also was the judge that sat on my oldest daughters child care case, trouble is he was friends with her husbands family.. he should have stepped down then. Now he is on my grandsons case.. and is friends with father's family.. in fact he gave the other grandma information concerning this case with the grandson.. which if I am not wrong is illegal and needs to step down.. I am tired of being jerked around by the system and not wanting to take it anymore. Give me a judge that will be fair.

like I said, yesterday I wrote a lot, today I can't think... old age I guess.. welcome to the newcomers, it is always sad to see new people, but the place is a Godsend... I lean on this site more than I can explain to anybody.. all the people are awesome

[RMoore]

So much to catch up on here and my brain doesn't work like it used to. I am sure you all understand that.

I see many new members and while it is so sad you have to come here we are all here to listen and support you.

Seems the chat is quiet lately or maybe I am on at the wrong time. My dad 92 has been in and out of hospital or

rehab more than home this year. Currently he is home. I think the loss of Amber took a lot out of him

The sentencing for the person responsible for killing Amber was one week before her would be 21st birthday.

It was an emotional day and the defendant got 6 years. What I pretty much expected but not what I hoped for.

The only court part left is criminal restitution, money doesn't change or undo what has happened. I just have a

hard time dealing with only 6 years when the defendant chose to drive on a suspended license, chose to drink, chose

to do drugs and because of those choices my daughter is dead. Not to mention after only five months he has almost

a year credit because of " good behavior" SMH he has been in a wheelchair, received multiple surgeries at tax payers

cost, and been in the med ward so how can he really get in trouble? Yet photos of him have been posted from jail

on Facebook ( what happened to no cell phones or cameras?) and he has "trash" posted for him and notes left at the

crash site. The only thing I realistically hope for is he never injures or kills again, if he does I will be in the front row

of the court room. If any of you are in California I am trying to get some legislation changed or stopped you can see

more about that on my FB http://www.facebook.com/#!/profile.php?id=100003822515339&sk=wall

Now that it's been almost 6 months it seems the numb is slowly wearing away and reality slowly creeping in.

Thanks for listening, I will try to be on more often I miss you all

Love hugs PRAYERS

Amber's mom

[JD's Mom, Becky]

From sunrise to sunset, I am thinking of you... then I pray as I sleep I will dream of you too!

[tobyfreefoot]

becky i really like that picture and your comment!! beautiful!!

attached is an article that just came out in a new mexico news paper about a guy i know from highschool that is designing and creating forest's memorial. the piece of equipment mentioned he has been wanting since 1984. since i was unable to help forest realize his dream i took a large chunk of the insurance money i received from the accident and gave it to leslie to put a down payment on this water jet. he is just now getting it up and running as it is used and he has been having to piecemeal some parts along with the fact he was in an accident himself in december breaking ribs, collar bone and his pelvis in 20 places. needless to day that delayed the process for months. i will soon be sending the money for the granite, glass and acrylic he will be using then the master will begin! so excited! i was going to give the money to my children but they said they didn't want to profit off forest's death and they would rather have a fabulous monument to memorialize him. i will keep you guys posted on the proceedings,

i had a major sign from my son but i have been in the emergency room all day with my dad after working all night so i will tell you about it later. my dad is back at the nursing home now and is ok. thought he was going to die today which was very upsetting because it is getting so close to forest's first angelversary and it just caused the grief to well up. i had to choke it down to be present with my dad. gosh i discovered there is a chasm of endless depth in there patiently waiting for me.

love to all of you. thank you for being here for me.

[LoriJ]

Hello Lance's Mom- I'm so sorry about your litttle fighter. You're in the right place. I'm fairly new here myself and I can tell you everyone here is so caring. It's the only place I feel like people TRULY understand. (Sometimes better than I do myself..and that's a big help)

JD's Mom- Such a beautiful picture!

Amber's mom- I hope you don't mind, I sent you a friend request on fb even though I'm not from Cali. I'd like to follow your progress. It really bother's me when our countries laws make no sense.

Okay...things are getting WIERD! Sorry..I wasn't finished with saying hello to everyone but strange things are happening! I got on to tell you all about my early birthday present from Andy. It was strange...yesterday in the mail I got this black box from Copenhagen. LOL NO I don't chew but my son occasionally did (we ARE country folk here) he was the only one who did once in a while and that was his brand. I opened it and it said HAPPY BIRTHDAY! And inside it was a silver money clip engraved with my initials LJJ! So today I wanted to go out to the cemetary. We go out there and someone had taken away everything we had put out there including a plaque I had made since they haven't put his name up yet and I suspect won't until they get all their money which we are battling for in court. (I'll post a pic of it) I was devestated...I've really been hanging on by a thread already, I"m exhaussted, we are working on putting together a walk-a-thon to raise money for a memorial scholarship in Andy's name and it just dawned on me...this will sound incredibly stupid, but that I will have to be there. (I'm SUPER shy..as in social anxiety) and deal with people who haven't seen me yet in the community. UGH!!!!! Anyway...so rough night...I get on here..I'm trying to think and see to write and both Andy's friend who is staying with us and I hear a long knock..a knock my dog pays no attention to! (She barks when anyone is in the yard) She didn't move! But we BOTH heard it clearly! We look all around...nothing..nobody. So we make sure everything is locked tight and closed up and no one is ni the house and I come back to the computer to write and he goes back in where he is trying to sleep and my computer starts playing music (WHAT?) Okay..so I do have an open tab with youtube on it but there is no video playing. I close it and the music stops. I come back to this page and start typing and I hear a commercial start playing! Ummm...there are no more tabs open...I just said ok...and got to my point and it stopped. I'm a sensative mind you but I feel nothing..I feel nobody near me. I've been upset because I haven't heard or felt Andy for a few weeks and now I'm thinking it might be the ativan blocking my nerves in that way but not helping CALM me. I'm considering not taking it ..at least then I can FEEL my son's presence and discern. I can't right now and someone is obviously trying to get my attention. He's made himself known to all of us, his gf/fiance when she came and his closest friends when they are here. One time several of his friends where here (I usually call them my kids) and we sat up in his room talking about him and and incident that happened when his Olivia was here (it's a longer story) anyway we turned on musiic on a cell phone and he WOULD NOT allow it to play any songs any of the guys tried to play or choose...only the songs that I and the girls chose would play. lol He had us all laughing again..I don't think I've laughed since then..I wasn't on the ativan yet then either.

. This is the plaque and flowers that were taken from the cemetary

My Early Birthday Present from Andy.

[LoriJ]

Thought I'd share this with you...it's some of the only writing I've done since he passed

I just can't say

Goodbye to you

Please someone

Tell me it's not true!

Wake me from

This horrible dream

And put things back

As they SHOULD be!

I cannot say

... Goodbye my son

Because a mother and child

Are always one.

From MY flesh

You were formed

And from MY body

You were born

In my heart

You were nurtured and grew

I lose myself

If I lose you...

[missinglance]

Micheal Shane I'm glad Lance's face could brighten you day! He had a contagious smile, and was always so happy.

My husband had a good dream about our Lance. I know when he dreams of him and makes him feel closer. He always dreams of Lance and another child. I hope this is a sign of a future child. Went to get my husband today. I missed him, he has been driving a truck long haul and has been gone for 4 weeks at a time and now he is going to be home every week it is great. Glad to see him more!!

[missinglance]

Forever Andy's Mom,

Sorry to hear the stuff being taken. They were very beautiful things. Don't you love the moments when you feel their presence.

I always say that I feel Lance in the wind, because when have wind spinners at his grave and when they blow we always talk about how that is Lance's way of talking to us. The first time something was taken from Lance's grave it was really hard, and it continues to be hard every time it happens but it happens pretty often. We keep his grave very decorated and people take stuff all the time. Did they taken the flowers too? They normally don't mess with our flowers just the other stuff. Someone even broke a vase against his grave once and scratched it a little.

[LoriJ]

They took EVERYTHING.

[LoriJ]

I was just talking to my husband on his break at work and he's calling my doctor tomorrow about switching me back...to get me off the ativan. He agrees that's probably why I haven't been sleeping at night. It's like suddenly being blind or deaf...I've lost a sense I rely on heavily and it seems to be the ativan causing it. I'm going to try to lay down..G'night

[mrsduc]

I cannot believe some of the things that are happening in my life this week. I know that Robert is invovled int making it happen. I got a call from my youngest son Chris (the one married with my granddaughter), and he asked if I would like to come to their house and spend the day with them and Kylie Marie. Of course even if I had something planned I would of broke it to see my granddaughter who has been kept from me all these months. I am still afraid that I will say or do something wrong because his wife is very weird, but I have decided that I am only going to be myself and if they don't life me then there is nothing that I can do. I can not keep trying to be walking on eggshells. And besides I have a secret weapon on my side and that is Robert. For I really believe that Robert is invovled with getting Chris to change his mind. Chris said I told him that I did not want to see my granddaughter until after I came back from my cruise in May. I would never of said something like that to him since I was not even allowed to go to the hospital when she was born. The first time that I saw her was when I found out that Robert had died and I went to my ex's house and Chris showed up with the baby. So I know that I would never of said that. But I just told him that I did not remember saying that. I did not want to start something. I hope that it will be a good visit like it was this past Sunday. I told my husband that if it was too much for him that he could stay home. I do not remember if I told eveyone but last Valentine's day I was recovering from foot surgery 5days yearly. My husband was so excited that his first motorcycle trike came and he wanted to take it to have it put in storage at a motorcycle place until the spring. Our neighbor was following him. Well about 5 minutes from where he was going a deer came out and jumped right in front of Donald's trike and Donald said the only thing he really remembers is seeing the deers eyes. We know that he went over the trike and the trike went up into the air and came down on him. He was medivaced to Baltimore Shock Trama unit and was on life support for 9 days. We did not know if he would make it and also if the doctor could save his leg. His leg is so bad that the surgeon told him don't let anyone tell you that you only had two broken bones in your leg, but that you had so much damage and that he will have server nerve damage and pain for the rest of his life. So I worry going too long of distance for him can be too much for him. It will take us alittle over 2 hours to get to my son's house. But I am looking forward to it. But this does not make me forget that I wish Robert was here so that I could share it with him so badly. Also so I could send him the pictures of me with his neice. But I want to believe that he is looking over me even on my dark days and trying to help me. And it just makes me love him even more.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

[ericasmom]

Beautiful poem and photo Becky, very lovely. Broken hearts and shards of selves, through it all, the love remains.

Linda, so glad that Chris is inviting you to be with he and his Little One.

Andy's Mom, hope the meds get adjusted and you get some rest. Almost each time I leave something for my Girl Eri, it is taken or destroyed. IO am sorry that this is happening to you.

Lance's Mom, I still don't have the icon of your Boy, sometimes it does nto show up for me for days and days, do not know why.

[westleysmom]

Dee-The only way I can see Lance's picture is to click on missinglance. He is such a cutie. Are you starting to enjoy your summer break, or has it not started yet?

Linda-That is great that your son is letting you visit. I hope that you have a good time and make some wonderful memories with Kylie Marie. We will never stop missing our angels, will we?

Betty-Earlier today I was checking in and I thought I saw that you were on. I hope you are doing okay.

Andy's Mom-I'm so sorry they took your things. I always wonder at this time of year when stuff like that happens, if its not the mowing people? I know some places discourage extra stuff during mowing season because it makes it so hard to keep the grass mowed. Westley's grave is in a small church cemetery, and we know the people who do the mowing and they are very understanding, but we try to keep things up on the headstone as much as we can. I enjoyed your poem. I'm not much for writing, but when I read what others have written, I feel like they've read my mind.

Gretchen-Hope the monument turns out just like you want it to.

Becky-Beautiful picture and heartbreaking poem. How's the hand/arm? I think I have that right.

Susan-How are you? I hope you're doing as good as you can.

Carol-Give a hug to Mike for me. How's your back? Better I hope. CJ is doing okay, still working for my husband, although he usually doesn't make it to work every day during the week. If he had a job working for anyone else, he would probably have lost it for missing days. They are very busy right now, and he needs the money, but somehow still doesn't get that during the week you have to go to bed early EVERY night, so you can get up in the morning, especially since he still doesn't have a car and has to rely on somebody coming to pick him up. Sometimes I feel like we're failing in trying to teach him to be responsible, and it makes me so sad, but we're not giving up on him. He still has 2 years of probation and I'm trying very hard to help him get through that. Is Davis still doing okay?

I have been very down lately, I don't know what it is. Well, I do, but the sadness and darkness seems to be worse lately. I'm going to see my friend Susan tomorrow. We're going to go shopping and have lunch. I hope you all have a good weekend, I probably won't get to check in, but I think of you all every day.

[hoosiermom]

Hello my Indigo friends......

Thinking of all of you and sending you love and light today.

Not much to say, just wanted to stop in....spent some time with my beautiful daughters last night......we went to a popular local place for dinner and the high school girl waiting on us had a name tag "Brianna".....

I kept saying "Do you see that?!" to my oldest daughter.....so sweet that our girl showed us that she is always with us.

My oldest daughter felt her baby move for the first time this week.....it's now becoming REAL for her....told her that she will be completely amazed at how much you can love another person when you hold that precious baby in your arms.

Sunday is graduation for my nephew and I will be attending with my sis.....Brianna would have "graduated" also (actually she would have received a certificate of completion--but I was SO looking forward to wheeling her across that stage!) already getting teary-eyed thinking of what would have been....

We're so dry here that my yard looks like mid-July instead of early June....no rain in sight until Monday it seems.

Love to all,

Jenn

Brianna's momma

[JD's Mom, Becky]

http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.2162087149135.61730.1755288865&type=3

Not sure this link will work, but an invitation to walk through my gardens with me! I can only pull weeds with the left hand, so hubby helps me out in that area. We have been here in this house we built for 18 years this coming fall. It feels good to spend time outside, but everything I look at has a memory attached....

[LoriJ]

I'm sorry my posts are so short...I do read everyone's. I actually spend more time reading than anything. It helps me to know others are going through the same. Next weekend is the walk-a-thon, after that we are going to start on a retro 80's dance fundraiser but it shouldn't take as much time as this is so I should have more time to post. UNLESS I go through with a long distance bike tour which with my health will take some time! But when I have wifi I will catch up. (I SO want it to be a full ride scholarship!)

I just wanted to let you know my husband called and found out it was the cemetary who cleared it. We are waiting to see if they kept the plaque. (praying they did) My son is entombed so there is no headstone to place items on. :\ She told us everything has to go in the assigned vases...well we don't have one! So that leaves us unable to even put anything at all out there! And hubby called the doctor...she hasn't called back so that usually means she is going to switch me back. If she doesn't agree she usually calls to discuss it with me or ask me to come in and discuss it. (Praying to sleep tonight!) Off to work on things with the walk-a-thon.

Oh Brian's mom...I've been thinking about you. I know right now has to be a particularly rough time. Please know I'm sending up some extra prayers. (((MANY HUGS)))

[Jeff's Mom]

Hi everyone...just a quick message to say that I am thinking of all of you and hoping that things are going okay. I am sorry that there are so many new people and hope you will find comfort and support in your new friendships on this site. I keep all of you in my thoughts and prayers each and every night. Take care.

Kate

[Jeff's Mom]

http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.2162087149135.61730.1755288865&type=3

Not sure this link will work, but an invitation to walk through my gardens with me! I can only pull weeds with the left hand, so hubby helps me out in that area. We have been here in this house we built for 18 years this coming fall. It feels good to spend time outside, but everything I look at has a memory attached....

Becky, just wanted to mention that I was unable to open the link. It would have been lovely to have seen your gardens. Hope your hand is improving.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

I am sorry. I don't know if you have to be a member on facebook to see it? I will try posting some of the pics a bit later. Hand is getting worse daily. I keep hitting all the wrong keys!

Becky, just wanted to mention that I was unable to open the link. It would have been lovely to have seen your gardens. Hope your hand is improving.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

The Rainbow looking towards Jared's favorite tree to climb....

Above: The Koi Pond The playhouse below, mainly used for storage now. Below:purple flowers are called "Dutchman's Britches" from my grandfather's

Below, added new flower pots to the front porch called confetti Below that is one of the Mimosa trees that I transplanted here from a nearby stream

and planted about nine of them. They were only 8" high then. 3 years old.

I love the look of these tropical looking Mimosas!

My Front Porch with new hanging baskets and filled the hummingbird feeders.

Above: The Koi pond, which we dug out(bucket brigade style) and that my dad

and I had to rebuild the lighthouse out of treated lumber after the 1st one rotted..

The building in the picture is my husband's workshop and gym!

Below, behind the waterfall, have hens and chicks planted Below, a settee that also belonged to my grandfather, over 100 years old!

[Jeff's Mom]

Thanks Becky, your pictures are just lovely. Obviously you have spent a great deal of time working on your property. The trees are growing so beautifully. Do you do most of the gardening and planning yourself?

Our propery is an old one. Our home is about to celebrate a hundred year anniversary. We have spent the last couple of years restoring it. The most important part for us is that it is where we gathered for family summer celebrations. All good memories. I can totally relate to your attachement to the land. Nature has a way of giving us the most amazing freedom...if we can open ourselves to it. In the end it all about harmony and being at peace with all around us.

Thinking of everyone. Please do take care of yourselves. God Bless.

Kate

[rlolheiser]

Becky, everything you post is always so pretty and heart felt. You have a definite talent. I haven't the talent to tend a garden, I think mostly it is the soil out here, grass barely grows.

Carol, i hope all is going well for you, your in my thoughts.

I am tired out today, yesterday was my birthday.. the big 57. My hubby forgot.. my daughters called, but they weren't around here. We didn't do anything. I was getting ready for bed when my niece and her 4 children came pouring in the house with a birthday cake, card, and baloons. This was 8:30 at night.. a true surprise party. she asked if I was on the computer cause my phone was busy signals all night. Mom had hung the phone up after talking with the girls and left if off the hook, so not sure who tried to call.

I hope everybody is doing well, time for me to hit the hay.. I wish.. :-)