Loss of an Adult Child

[Jeff's Mom]

Maddy, I used to visit Eri's favorite stores on purpose by myself after she died. I needed to see what I would buy her had she been around, so one year, I bought many of the items and donated them to a shelter for teens. It might make you feel good, it did me. It also just felt good to see if I could still choose what Erz might like. Never far away my friend.

Within days of Jeff dying we attended a charity event fundraiser. It was a Christmas fundraiser. Jeff died on December 12. I was not even present in a normal sense. My feet were not touching the ground. We placed a bid on two trees that were auctioned off for the local Museum. We won both. We donated one to the emergency response team office for their front room Xmas display. The other we kept. I decided that I was doing just fine. Yes, I was coping as he would have wanted me to. Heck, it was only mere days after. I WAS IN COMPLETE AND TOTAL SHUTDOWN AND SHOCK! Well, I was wrong. It took almost two years for the reality of what had happened to sink in and hit full impact. Wham! No place to hide this time. Have to face it head on. Fear and panic enveloped me and I told myself that I was actually not going to make it. But what were the options? There were and ARE none. I had to pull myself up by the bootstraps and take it one step at a time. We all have our own way of coping and finding a way to release. Maddy, that feeling is very normal. I feel that every time I walk into a store and see something that reminds me of him. It will always be this way. But what can change is the way we approach it. Dee is so right. If we embrace it and use it to make us feel as if we are giving back it does indeed help. Good luck tomorrow with that test. AND we want to hear back how it went.!!! You are going to ace it!

Gretchen and Robert's Mom...holding you close. Susan? Please take care and keep posting..

Kate

[517958]

Dee - thanks so much. I always look forward to your posts. You are wise and well-traveled on this path and I appreciate your words of encouragement. I would love to read your Town of July story. Thank you and all the others who are further down the road for letting us newbies know there is some kind of hope out there someday.

Sarah's mom - Isolaton is exactly the word I've been using. That's one of the many things about this that hurs so bad - that most people don't know what this is about or even how to react to me. I've seen many a conversation come to a screeching halt when I mention Char. But I'm kind of surprised of how many strangers have their own stories of loss that they share. So for every person who looks at me like I'm the three-headed monster after I mention my loss, there is someone who understands at least just a little bit and shares their story with me. So I've decided to tell my story to whoever will listen. For me, it's helping a tiny bit with the feeling of isolation.

[Maddy6]

Thank you Dee and Kate for understanding. Dee, please can we read your story Town of July? Also, I have not forgotten about posting artwork. Camera issues really.Love to All,Maddy

[Jilly's mom]

Hi Indigos.

I have been reading posts but have not had the energy to respond. Please know you are all in my nightly prayers and thoughts. The past 2 weeks were quite emotional for me. First, some court time. We successfully got one of the felonies dismissed against CC, the boy who had the alcohol at his house which Jilly helped herself to. (he had been charged with providing alcohol to a minor contributing to a death, 10-15 yrs). He was sentenced to 200 hrs of community service and has to speak at 4 victim impact panels. This is at the courthouse and anyone who has been sentenced to any alcohol related crime is required to attend. He and I spoke as a team. He talked stats, regret, the horror of coming upon the accident that morning while he was out looking for Jilly. I did a slideshow. Showed pics of Jilly cheerleading, gymnastics, her beautiful smile, her friends, etc. Then I showed those same ppl at her funeral. I also included some other ones that got their attention. The police had shown pics of wrecks, but hearing "19 year old female died" and SEEING 19 year old female dead make entirely different impacts! If we can make even one person think twice about driving, even 8 hrs after drinking, I will be glad. We also asked for DM, the driver, to have her felony "OWI causing a death" dropped. The judge did let her plea down to two 93 day misdemeanors, but feels she needs to serve jail time. This breaks my heart. I understand it, but it still hurts. She spends the night at least once a week. I am hoping and praying if the judge feels the need to put her in jail, either it will be a very short sentence, or he will allow her work release so she can keep her job and continue to help support her disabled parents. This child has such small shoulders for such a heavy load. She assumes that if she goes out in public, everyone is looking at her and pointing fingers because "she is the reason Jilly isn't here anymore." Sentencing is the day after Fathers day. UGH.

Mothers day was challenging for me. I didn't want to stay in town. Instead, I had dinner with my mother in law and tea with my 5th grade teacher, who to this day is my hero and mentor. She looks pretty much exactly like she looked 40 years ago when I had her. How is that possible? She lost her husband 3 days after Jilly died. We grieve together. I am writing a childrens book about Jilly's teddy bear, and she helped me with ideas.

Yesterday was our 6 month mark for losing Jilly. I figured it was going to be hard....and it was. She came to me in a dream on Friday morning....came up behind me, tapped me on the shoulder and said "MOM!". I rememofer the shock and awe and complete joy of seeing her again. I held my arms open and she rushed into them, giving me the sweetest hug and kiss. Then she whispered "You know this isn't really me, don't you?" (as in, you know I am just using the physical body you would reccognize, but this isn't how I look anymore here...) It was awesome. It made me so happy, and yet, at the same time, made the ache over the absence of her body that much more intense. I was glad for the visit though, and will welcome any from her I can get. I made it through yesterday with several meltdowns. Put fresh peonies on her grave. Tried once again to look at headstones. Fail. Can't decide at all. And since we have, literally, 1000's of pics of Jilly (we are photographers) which one do we choose?????

My 2 other daughters are beginning to show signs of the shock wearing off, headaches, stomach issues, difficulty sleeping, etc. Can't get the youngest into grief counseling until school is out mid June. Thankfully she has finally agreed to go.If DM gets sentenced to much time, it will push them both over the edge!

On top of that, this last week, I started a 2nd job (crazy, I know, but it keeps me busy and somewhat sane for now) and my hubby went to the doc to get a scaly patch on his nose looked at. (he had metastatic cancer 3 years ago and is remission). They didn't say much about the spot on his nose, instead they found a spot behind his ear and biopsied it. Looks very suspicious for cancer.....again. Hopefully, if it is, this one will be a whole lot easier to treat!

Thats my month so far in a nutshell. Thanks for listening.

[ericasmom]

Jilly's Mom, so much to think about in such a tragic time. I love that you met your 5th grade teacher, that is the kind of relationship I have with some of my students too. I always tell them that we can know each other forever now, but it is a two-way street, communicate and I will communicate right back. I had dinner here at my home two summers ago with 9 of my former students, they were all entering 10th grade, and I hope that we will do that again. I go downtown each spring/summer with a group of 4 girls that are now ending 7th grade. Lovely. I am also hoping to publish someday, but I have not sent my kids stories out yet. I do send my short non-fiction and poetry to contests but so far, no wins.

I think it admirable of you and the family to take such a pro-active look at those involved in Jilly's death. I am of that same mind as far as choice, the choice of those including our Kids. It does not make life easier, but it is how our feet are planted in the world, trying to see everyone's side. How old are your other two Daughters? And where again in Michigan are you? Eri died in Kalamazoo, at Bronson Trauma Hospital.

The dream is wonderful isn't it? It is a visit I am sure, especially if you felt really good for several hours afterwards. I am glad Jilly came to hug her Momma.

Maddy, I may put up a bit of my short story, but I am trying to send it out to a few places that publish memoir, so I will post only a piece.

[ericasmom]

The Town of July

July is a month, that is a place and a time all rolled into one and it takes me by my heartstrings and flies me like a kite. I am subject to its winds and atmospheric zephyrs. July is a setting, it is a time and a place for me even now, eight years later, and today is the last day of the month that is this place.

It is where I live each year at this time, the town of July.

There was a time when it was still simply a month, July simply followed June and came before the dog days of August. July used to evoke thoughts of packing for vacations, or long days and sometimes evenings too, of the beach or pool- carefree afternoons that seamlessly knitted into night, surprising everyone as the sun began to sink at 8:30PM. Julys were bright and filled with baseball play off games and Italian lemonade and laundry hanging on the line, billowing in and out. We pulled on our fresh shirts that had captured the days breeze in its fibers, feeling kissed by the sunshine.

It was a month that bore blossoms of many colors and kinds; monarda, cana, loosetrife, day lilies of every variety, liatris, and butterfly weed, so many delightful blossoms and with them, dragonflies and butterflies and bees. A buzzing month, a fluttering time. Movement everywhere and deep deep sleep without more than a sheet on those hot summertime nights. Up-late-and-sleep- in-kinds-of-days. Oh those wondrous days!

But July is a place now, not always as paralyzing and traumatic as it was but the month held a certain tragic tone for us. And in its most tragic days, July became a place that found me sleeping on the floors of the Trauma Center praying wildly until my body and mind shut down out of pure necessity in order to face the next day, and the days ahead.

Those days required us to live under a roof of hope and floors of reality, finding a place to breathe somewhere in between, the middle world. We lived with feet in two worlds. We lived in a locale of loss at the end of the tunnel and the space of each day leading us there, was jam packed with well loved people with worn- thin belief systems. We lived in our shared stories and tears that made salt rivers in our lives. We lived in candlelight vigils and songs of undying devotion while we gathered in small groups around the bed of the Girl who was soon to leave. Up and down the long hallway everyday for 6 days, escorting tearful groups to her side, some sang songs, while others murmured prayers and hopes and still others painted the Girl’s toenails pink. I kept wondering if she knew, did she know? I saw her as a tiny Tinkerbell on the bedside next to all the beeps and measures of the machines that said she was dying.

She sat there letting me know that she had to go, she couldn't stay in the broken-ness that lay in the bed. She understood.

We lived in this dangerous place called July and signed papers allowing this Girl to be cast free, to be un-tethered from so many monitors and measures, we signed papers that granted her wishes to lend others the gifts of her body, the shell that could no longer serve her.

[Jeff's Mom]

Thanks Dee, for sharing this with us. It is beautifully written and so touching. July is a very important month in my life that is forever altered as well. Jeff was born on July 16. We held his memorial celebration on July 18th. My birthday followed the week after that.

Thinking off all of you today. Take care.

Kate

[517958]

Dee the story is simply beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing. If it helps, my mom published her memoir "Creeping Charlie" through lulu.com. They helped with the copywriting, editing, cover creation and publishing. Then they host the book on their website where people can buy it. I'm not sure how much it costs but you can check it out. Below a link to her memoir. If you like, you can preview the first couple pages which is a story about Charlotte ("Charlie" to some of the family). It's a conversation they had about Jesus taking you to Heaven when you die. Of course when my mom first wrote that chapter, she didn't realize Charlie would make it there first.

http://www.lulu.com/shop/kay-frank/creeping-charlie/paperback/product-18908082.html

[Maddy6]

Dee, I was so very touched by the beauty of your writing. I have tears in my eyes and am taking a deep breath, because of the depth of the pain in your words. ~~~~~~~~I found myself wanting to read more (the sign of a good writer). You really, really need to write a book. Your writing touches the soul. I truly believe you would help so many if you were to write about grief. Really write about anything. But I wanted to read more of that story.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In my Creative Writing class I took a while back there were several seasoned writers. I really learned in the class that although I like to write, I lack the passion for it that I have for art. So I had great enjoyment critiquing many others writing. Also, I discovered on Amazon when I downloaded a free book recently, I became very interested and researched the author. Anyway, she was a new author and was looking for volunteer Beta readers. Which I did not know that was the term for what I did and still do on occasion for my friends in my CW class.~~~~~~~~~So I say all that to say, that some of these people self publish etc. and apparently Amazon puts out new and emerging authors work. So I really encourage you to do seek to write and publish your work since it is so very good.~~~~~~~~~~

I also made another 100 on my test today :-). School helps me because no emotion is attached and I can be someone else and live in a world where there is no pain. Simply focus on studies. So I am happy about my grade and only 3 more days of class and I get credit for a whole semester which is a fantastic deal to me :-) but then I leave school and drive home and the pain of loss returns.~~~~~~~~~~Love to everyone,MADDY

[JD's Mom, Becky]

‎33 weeks today, Jared. It just isn't getting any easier. I try to picture you happy in heaven, but then the thought struck me, that if you were missing us as much as we are missing you, how can any of us be happy? ♥ U Infinity....

These were my thoughts this morning.... Thinking that Jared wouldn't know anybody that I knew that had already passed on, that everyone important in his life is still HERE missing him.... What does he feel? Does he miss us as we miss him? Does he long to be back home with us, as we so wish he was here with us?

Am I losing my mind?

[Brendan's Daddy]

Hi old friends. It has been quite some time since my last post on this site. I still read quite often, but do not know how to find the words to help anybody. Things have been hectic in my life since we lost our Brendan. We have taken many steps forward, but struggle each and every day. Some days worse than others. Today is one of the very tough days. Since my last post Michele, Jackson and I have welcomed our new son into the World. Aaron Joseph Dobson "AJ" was born on March 5, 2012. He is a happy and healthy little boy. We have also moved into our new home. It is so nice being out and away from the home where the accident took place. Aaron had his baptism on Sunday, which was very difficult. The Priest spent some time talking about Brendan. We all knew that he was with us that day watching over his new little brother. Our family is still putting the pieces together trying to find the strength to be strong again. I wish I could say that I have been able to forgive my old neighbor for his mistake with the snowmobile. Unfortunately I am still struggling to forgive myself for not being there. Anyway, I just wanted to say hello and let you know that I still think about you and pray for all of you often. I will never forget how all of you were there for me during that first year. I respect and admire all of you. It is so hard to keep going on when everything inside of you wants to give up. I am sorry for all of the new people on this site. You are all in my prayers.

Brendan's Daddy

Tony

[mikesmum]

Dee ~ Your words build the picture of the world in which we now live....my heart broke with the imagery, knowing Tinks mum, her tenacity, her intelligence and her vunrabilities my words seem inadequate. (((HUGS)))

[mikesmum]

Tony ~ Congratulations on the safe arrival of your precious gift AJ...Life does move on and we with it....

[ericasmom]

Tony, how wonderful to hear from you here. Congrats on AJ. I am sure that your Sweetie PIe Brendan was and is there, watching over you all. I am glad that it feels a relief to live away from the neighbors involved in Bren's accident. One day, I do so hope you will forgive yourself Tony, we all wish we could have done something, changed one thing about the day so that the moment may have not occurred but life just doesn't give us those moments back. You did not let your Boy down, he holds you up in the highest regard, you are his hero. I know that he is also yours.

Becky, 33 weeks is a very long time. I do feel that Jared is fine and that his love transcends time and physicality, that he does not miss you because he is near you. Our Children- no longer tied to the barriers of body, are free to be near us in ways we cannot fully grasp.

Trudi, what sweet words...thank you

Maddy and Char's Mom, thank you too for your kind words. Maddy, how wonderful that you earned another great grade, you go Girlfriend. Char's Mom, how cool that your Mom wrote a story and Charlotte is there in those pages. One day perhaps I will self publish,but the always-wanted-to-be-published-writer-in-me wants to be published the old fashioned way, by sending in pieces and seeing if I have any bites. We'll see, the publishing world has changed drastically. I do love the premise and the cover of your Mom's book though, really pretty.

[Jilly's mom]

Dee,. I am about an hour SE of Bronson Hospital in Coldwater. I know it well.We ship our patients there when they require more care than our local community hospital can provide. Eri must have been either at KVCC or Western Michigan University at the time of her accident?

I too loved your excerpt of the Town of July. I agree. You need to publish. I just checked that Lulu site...pretty cool. My book will be a childrens book about Heaven. With so many deaths in and around our town in the last year (8!) many young kids have been exposed to death. Might be a good time to educate them. The other book I want to write is on how different parents deal with the loss of their child(ren.) Each child would have their own chapter....a little biography of each kid, some about their cause of death, and how the parents were able to keep going. Things that help, things that didn't. One of the last chapters will be the "You didn't just say that!" portion. (I will be looking on here for inspiration!) One of my friends died in 1978 in a car accident. Someone actually came up to her dad and said "Well, its probably a good thing she died...she could have grown up to be another Hitler!" (she wanted to be a missionary, by the way.) Geesh.

I have contacted my 5th grade teacher every year on her birthday (and often in between) for 40 years now. Sometimes I show up with a cupcake, sometimes flowers. She quite literally saved my life back in my teen years when I went through a bout of depression following my parents divorce. (I was the only kid in class with divorced parents, shows how times have changed!) She has always been my rock. I can't believe she is 85. (though she looks 60 at the most...) Sharp as a tack, she is. Love her so dearly.Never ever underestimate the difference you make in a childs life as a teacher!

My sister sent me this link on publishing....perhaps you could try there? http://www.balboapress.com/PublishingContest.aspx I think the deadline for entry is coming soon. I wish you the best. I too, was immediately sucked in to your story and wanted to read more!

My other daughters are 23 (she lives in California) and 17. My youngest is struggling the most right at this moment....although that changes daily. I sometimes feel very guilty for not being able to help her more. I can listen, cry with her, hug her and hold her, but I can't make this journey any easier. She has to pass Jilly's bedroom each time she goes to her room....a constant reminder that Jilly is not on the other side of that door. I have asked her about moving downstairs or even into Jillys room if that is what she wants....she says no. Just leave it be for now. Don't touch it. Don't give away anything. Don't do anything to it, except go in and feed the turtle. So that is what we have done. Heck, I can't spend more than a few minutes in there myself anyway!

This morning I had a message on my FB from a gal in Austrailia. It seems that while looking at her phone/facebook while lying in bed before sunrise, she accidently somehow touched something and ended up on Jillian's memorial page. She tried to get out of it, including trying to turn her phone completely off, but it wouldn't budge. So she read several of the comments. She has children as well, and was compelled to get up and find out more about Jilly. As she was reading the newspaper coverage of the accident, noting that it happened on the 19th at 6am, she happened to notice that the current date and time on her computer was the 19th.....at 6am. She felt Jilly might be trying to get another message to me. I will gladly take that! Oddly enough,the first 3 letters of this womans name were Jilly's initials. Coincidence? Maybe. Or maybe not. My girl never knew a stranger!

[Jilly's mom]

JD's mom: Have you ever read "Walking in the Garden of Souls" by George Anderson? Just suggestion. Your library might have it. I got it on Amazon for less than $5 I think. I don't know if it's in your belief system, but it was a huge comfort to my husband and I to read that book. It answers pretty much all of the questions you asked. Another book that helped us considerably was "How to survive the loss of a child" by Catherine Saunders. Just a suggestion. Hugs.

[Maddy6]

Louise,What an amazing story of the lady in Australia. Simply incredible! Also, I know how hard it's with other kids. Especially those very close. We still are dealing with it. ~~~~~~~~Amazing that there are so many wannabe authors on here. I am a wannabe illustrator!! So I am hoping after the graphic design classes this year I could eventually go in that direction. I have always wanted to illustrate :-)~~~~~~~~Again, Dee, I want to encourage you to send your work in. I am in awe of your heartfelt, colorful words, and your talent. I am not trying to flatter you. I would loooove to read a book you have written if it is anything like the nibble I had today :-)!!!~~~~~~~~~Becky, what is going on with our bak? I have not seen a post if you have told us.~~~~~~~~Carol, how is Mike? Hope you are both well and he is recovering nicely. Rhonda, How are you? Thinking of you. Ronnie, Thinking of you every time I drive past your street, which is regularly. Let's try to make that lunch sometime soon :-).~~~~~LOVE,MADDY

[lilysmommy]

Its been a while sonce ive posted...i thought i was doin ok for a little bit and it seems it has all fallen apart again..well first a week ago..i found out i was pregnant..i cried so much because i know im not ready but i am woman enough to take care of my responsiblities..well this past weekend i went with my bf to alabama for his great grandmothers funeral..i didnt attend any of the services cause im not ready to attend anyones funeral..onthe way back..i jus happened to look up when i saw a group of birds flyin above us and then i noticed they spelled Lily..i cldnt have been happier..well then .this mornin i dreamt of Lily..we were playin in the yard and wehad some purple feathers that wwere like wings and u would fly when you would hold on to them..purple was her favorite color..ive had the privilege of dreamin of her so much and i can remember them so clearly..and for that i thank God..well this afternoon my bfs boss gave him tickets to the astros game..so we went..astros won by the way..anyhow..we had been havin a few problems lately..mostly about his attitude..lately he jus couldnt take me bein emotional and started disrespecting me..so i decided i needed a break..so i started packin my things so i could go visit my parents..he didnt like the idea..so he decided to beat me..punchin my stomach several times and leavin bruises..so here i am at the hospital..alone..this is nothin but another bump on the road..i think after losing my princess i can overcome anythin thats thrown my way..but jus when my faith is comin back..im hit with this..literally..so i ask for ur prayers as i try and start all over again..

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Thanks Louise, Dee, and Maddy for your comments and concerns. I will look for those books suggested. I haven't been able to stick with much reading on the topic of grief in the form of books. My postings have been short and sweet, because I can't type well at all. It takes me three times longer to type with my hands numb, particularly the right hand, so that I quickly become irritated and frustrated. I have the nerve conduction study on the 4th of June, then back to the nerosurgeon to set a date for surgery. I am ready for it, as this is just miserable. I think the constant pain is wearing me down emotionally.

Dee, I loved the Town of July writing! So beautifully written, and so heartfelt.

[Maddy6]

Lily's mommy,~~~~~I am so sorry for the difficult time you are having. You are grieving the loss of Lilly and have other children, and that alone is a struggle. I am so very sorry for the abusive relationship you have found yourself in. You must escape the abuser immediately and I hope that is your plan.~~~~~~~~You must take care of yourself since you are pregnant, and realize you and your children are what is most important. Please try to focus on you and your boys right now. In the days ahead you will be dealing with many hormonal changes and you will need lots of rest.~~~~~~~~~I do want to stress that you end the relationship with the abuser, your boyfriend, right away. Any man who would beat a pregnant woman as you describe is a coward and is not someone you want in you, or your son's lives. You do not need this man, nor any man right now. Try to refocus on your life and your boys lives. The days ahead will be challenging enough with your pregnancy. Take care and keep in touch. I had been thinking about you and was wondering how you were? It is wonderful that you saw a sign from Lilly and the dream also. I know you are strong and will get through this.~~~~~~Love, MADDY

[ericasmom]

Lily's Mom, I agree with Maddy, please leave the abusive one, I have been with an abusive person, it only grew more abusive, even with apologies, it is someone with little impulse control and if he disrespects you??? what about the kids? Call around and find out where there is a protective shelter for women and children, ours is called, Sarah's Inn. They can house you and the kids until you find what and where you want to go. Is it worth filing charges of abuse?

As far as the dreams, I am so glad for you to have them, perhaps Lily is asking you to fly away from this man. Gather your purple feathers and you and the kids take flight. Prayers are with you for a safe landing elsewhere. Like you said, you are tough, Lord and Lily know that too, so take that toughness and start anew.

Maddy adn Becky, so glad that you liked the July story. I write mostly non-fiction/memoir/essays and poetry. For kids I write fiction. Thanks for the encouragement.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

<3

[westleysmom]

Maddy-I'm here, very busy time at work and haven't had much time to gather what little thoughts make sense and post, but trying to keep up with everybody. I'm glad you're doing so well at school and it gives you a little respite from the grief. I guess that's why work is so much a part of my life.

Tony-Congratulations on the new little one, AJ. It is so hard to rebuild a family that has been broken by the loss, but we must try.

Dee-I enjoyed the beginning of your story, although of course it is heartbreaking to read and think of your pain during and after that time.

Lily's Mommy-I hope you are able to get away from the abusive boyfriend. You deserve better, no one deserves to be treated like that.

Becky-Your symptoms sound like my husband's a few years ago, so painful, and he said at the time that there was just no way to get away from it. Even sleep had nightmares where his pain made him dream that his arm was long enough to drag on the ground and was hurting the whole time he tried to sleep, so he never felt rested.

Jilly's Mom-It sounds like a sign to me from your dear Jilly. Good luck with the book and especially the chapter on "Oh, no, you didn't just say that!"

Char's Mom-I read the beginning of your Mom's memoir and I could see where she lived and when. It was a different time, as mine is different from my kid's when. Thanks for sharing.

Leah-It was good to see your post a few days back. I hope things are a little better for you and think of you often.

Carol-Thinking of you and Mike and hoping he continues to get better daily.

Diane-I don't know if you're still checking on here, but wanted to say Hi.

Sherry, Susan, Kate, Trudi, Colleen, Anybody I left out because I have no memory anymore, wishing you all have a good day and sweet dreams of your angels when day is done

[ericasmom]

Rhonda, hope the busy time is good for you, keeps you feeling balanced and purposeful. Thanks for your kind words about the Town of July. Yep, you do know the pain of that time, it is excruciating and that is why so many here stay, to help the next one through that time, that unexplainable time where all the world changes.

Hi to Betsy and Betty, if you are checking in know that you are thought of with love, Karen too, Greg, Dan, Diane, all those no longer visiting but maybe reading.

[RMoore]

The unexplainable grief we feel /share the "club" we are all now members with a fee we never wanted to pay ..I have often thought aqns said revoke my membership teh cost is too high ..

The memories, the nightmares, the dreams.. the dreams left undone ..

Abuse of any kind emotional, neglect, physical or otherwise .. it's all hurtful

Amber's "MURDERER" sucked the life out of her then killed her in less than a year ..

He robbed me of my child the last year she was here on earth and then robbed all of us of a future with her

The Town Of July makes me want to cry as it is so moving and takes me back to a place I wish I could forget ..

or erase from time like it never happened..

As some of you may know the sentencing is days away.. this Thursday one week before Amber should have turned 21

with her twin sister Emily ..

Emily is now forever a twinless twin ..

I played my VIS on disc for the DA and she wept .. I hope it's that impactful on the Judge ..

I have done all I can do to bring Amber to "life" and not be a case file ..

The rest is up to God ..

I pray God gives the judge wisdom and Amber's presence is alive in the court room Thursday and we get what little justice is offered

yes my brain is fried and it's hard to keep up here.. just know ALL of you are in my thoughts and prayers room

[Jeff's Mom]

Rhonda, hope the busy time is good for you, keeps you feeling balanced and purposeful. Thanks for your kind words about the Town of July. Yep, you do know the pain of that time, it is excruciating and that is why so many here stay, to help the next one through that time, that unexplainable time where all the world changes.

Hi to Betsy and Betty, if you are checking in know that you are thought of with love, Karen too, Greg, Dan, Diane, all those no longer visiting but maybe reading.

Dee, you are so right. I feel that many stay as they form a strong bond with others that have helped them through the initial really tough stages. It is nice to be able to feel as if you are giving back and helping others who are on this same sad journey.

Amber's Momma...good luck on Thursday. I will most certainly be thinking of you.

Lily's Mom, you know what you have to do. You simply cannot stay with a person who is toxic to your well-being. The other ladies are correct in their advice.

Becky...sorry about the health issues. Who needs that when you have somuch else to deal with. Take care.

I'm thinking of all of you and hoping everyone is coping ok. I know that Mother's Day threw me into a sort of slump. I can't stop thinking about my son. I was sitting in bed the other morning having a cup of coffee while watching the Weather Network. I had turned on the TV manually (novel idea) The two remotes were on my dresser in front of Jeff's urn. My husband walked into the room and stood to the side watching the daily forecast. Suddenly the channels started to flip eventually landing on another station that was also giving the weather report. Jeff used to say we were obsessed with it. My husband looked at me and asked if I had done that. Then we both looked over to the remotes sitting on the dresser in front of his urn. Wow, we both smiled. Perhaps coincidence. Too many happening in this place for it to be that. I often asked him to give me a sign if anything were ever to happen to him. But nothing over the top or scary. A gentle reminder that he is only a short talk or thought away.

Maddy, so happy for your class to be over soon. Your marks were just terrific.

Susan...hope you are doing ok.

Kate

[JD's Mom, Becky]

<3.

[daveydow1]

Kate----It's good that you got rain. It rained here last night.......just a little bit, and not nearly enough. So nice

of your husband to fix breakfast. (my husband is pretty much lost in the kitchen......he can cook if he HAS to,

but it wouldn't be much) . (black coffee ?????). Your flowers for Jeff's memorial will be so nice, and the

area sounds beautiful. Thanks for the facts on the ducks......how cute they are. Yikes ! All those snakes....

possibly in people's homes......how awful that would have been. Better for the snakes (AND prospective

homeowners) to be out there by themselves . Also, all that activity with the

wrens----they , too, are such great signs of spring.

Charsmom----So sorry that you have had such a rough time on Mother's Day. Thoughts & prayers.

Sarahsmama-----Sending prayers for you as the first angel day for your sweet daughter approaches.

Somehow, our psyche just knows when that ime is nearing. Peace to you.

Ambersmomma, Lilysmommy------Wishing you peace & comfort.

Dee----- I read "The Town of July"........Such a lovely, beautiful, and well-- written tribute about ERi. You have such a

wonderful way of putting all those feelings into the most meaningful words. I agree with the others who

said that it would be a good idea, (if you you would want to), to submit this work. It is truly inspiring to

all of us. So nice that you had dinner at your home for 9 former students.

PEACE AND COMFORT TO ALL IN THE BI FAMILY

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

Thanks Sherry and Kate, I would very much like to be published, it has been a goal of mine since before Eri died. Now what I write has taken on a whole new tone, but hey, I am changed as we all are and this is the story that impacts me each day.

Amber's Mom, such a difficult time to face, the court system is not known for empathy, but it just may be in this case that you will be heard, that your Daughter's life and death will cause others to listen, that Emily will have a touch of justice in the loss of her twin. I pray so anyhow. Understand that no matter what, Amber is with you, sitting near you and hoping that you will find ways to feel her presence in the days ahead allowing you to feel her peace.

[Jeff's Mom]

Thanks Sherry and Kate, I would very much like to be published, it has been a goal of mine since before Eri died. Now what I write has taken on a whole new tone, but hey, I am changed as we all are and this is the story that impacts me each day.

Amber's Mom, such a difficult time to face, the court system is not known for empathy, but it just may be in this case that you will be heard, that your Daughter's life and death will cause others to listen, that Emily will have a touch of justice in the loss of her twin. I pray so anyhow. Understand that no matter what, Amber is with you, sitting near you and hoping that you will find ways to feel her presence in the days ahead allowing you to feel her peace.

Dee, what is so lovely about your writing is that it speaks from the heart. So beautifully worded and conveyed in a heartfelt manner. Go for it! You have to try to get this publishd.

Sherry, How are you? Hope things are going well in your area.

Kate

[Maddy6]

Dee,I am with Kate. I have read quite a bit of writing from fellow students at school. I seem to make friends with lots of writers :-) Anyway, I thought it was over the top good. Perhaps it was because the story spoke to me in a personal way, but I think it was more than just that. The detailed descriptions put me there in the picture and I could FEEL what you were saying. One guy I have stayed in touch with who sends me his stuff to critique from time to time, goes to a writers club. Not sure what It was called. He has been to several over the years and they really helped him he said. Some of the people in them were published authors. He told me about one guy whose manuscript was accepted by a publisher on his first try. He said that is extremely rare though. Don't know if that helps, perhaps you could attend one? Not that you need it of course, just sometimes the interaction with others gives us more knowledge to glean from to get published.~~~~~~~Also that other site, that I think it is Greg (?) who posted about it. Grief toolbox.com, they publish stuff people write, but I don't think they pay anything. I was actually going to try to send in some artwork to them.~~~~~~~~Anyway, you MUST pursue being published, simply must :-)TTYL,MADDY

[ericasmom]

Maddy, well thanks again. I actually meet monthly with three other writers. Three women, one is in England so we skype with her, she is the closest to being published but each is so good at what they write...I pale in many ways to their work but the group does help me stay in touch with my work. I go to writing classes for vacations in the summer, though I have not for some time and now will again this summer. I am excited about it, though this is different, it is writing curriculum for teachers to encourage teaching poetry. I am thrilled to be part of the group.

Again, thanks for the encouragement, with school ending soon, I will have more time to devote to writing.

[mikesmomrs]

All: I've been reading the posts and am so very sorry for those of you who are having a particularly bad time right now. Mother's day can be brutal, but we do survive it, because that is what our child wants us to do. To not only survive, but to live. It can take a while before we realize this, but please know that those of us who have gone before you finally came to that realization, and though it has not removed our pain or repaired our broken hearts, it has give us strength to walk, one step at a time, into our future. We carry our children with us, always. Always.

Ambersmom: We will be with you on Thursday, as will Amber, and I pray for justice. Holding you close, and sending love to Emily as she must face their birthday for the first time without her precious twin sister, Amber.

Sarahsmama: So very sorry that you are having such a difficult time. As you approach this first angel day for your daughter, please know that we all hold you close and we do understand.

Kate: The remote by Jeff's urn...oh, that sweet son of yours, letting you know once again that he is near, always, always near. I am so glad that you and your husband got to share such a precious moment. You and the others who have talked about seeing things that remind us of our child are so right. Embracing it, making it something sweet (though very, very hard to do, especially in the beginning) is one truly great way to cope. At first, I couldn't even go into a store. Chills, just driving by one. Then, I finally went in, there were aisles that I avoided. Eventually, Christmas came and I wanted to DO something. So I did something for someone else around Mike's age. Now, it seems whenever I do something for Davis, (our 26 year old grandson who lives with us and was raised pretty much with Mike, so they were very much like brothers) I am finally able to feel a smile in my heart. A warmth, and lots of times, I will see a heart somewhere either right then or soon after. Just a little reminder from Mike that I am doing what he would want me to do. It is hard sometimes. So very hard, to not be able to do it for Mike. But, we do what we can, and that is what I can do, for now. Maddy: Embrace it. The best way you can for now. It will become easier, softer, more natural to do as time goes by. Embrace those memories, imagine those times when you would share with her now. She is with you at those times. Just as she always is with you.

Tony: Oh, thank you so much for sharing your little sweet one's arrival with us. What joy is filling your arms and your heart. Your sweet Brendan is holding all of you close, as you delight in his new baby brother. The broken-ness of your heart is still there, but it is being warmed and healing is taking place by the closeness and wonder of this new life. We never heal completely, but we do move through this life in a new way.

Lillysmom: Please, please listen to the advice of the women here who have been through what you are going through. The ONLY way an abusive relationship can end safely is for the one being abused to LEAVE. Completely. Please call for help. If you need help to do that, please PM me and I will try to help you find help locally. Most cities have shelters for those who find themselves in your situation. My daughter put up with her emotionally abusive husband for almost 20 years, until his "passive-aggressive" anger finally erupted into physical violence, and he attempted to kill her with a baseball bat, in front of their children. In fact, while she was holding their youngest in her arms. He came damned close to killing their babysitter as well, and she will be a brain-injured person for the rest of her life. And he almost killed three other people who just happened to be in the area with them at the time. He won't try to kill anyone else. He is in prison for the rest of his life. But these stories don't always end this way. Many times they end up tragically with the end of the life of the person being abuse. PLEASE. LIsten to the advice being given by the women here who have walked in your shoes. Get help. Get away. Take your children and get away. Please let us know how you are doing.

Becky: I am so very sorry for the pain you are having to endure. I pray that surgery will bring relief and that it will happen soon.

Rhonda: So good to see your post. I am sorry you are so busy at work, but as others have said, sometimes that is what keeps us going...that everyday of being so busy we can't think. How is CJ?

Sherry: We've had some much needed rain here, and fortunately, we seem to be getting plenty for now. It will rain for 2-3 days... a light, steady rain, and then the sun will be here for 2-3 days. I hope that it is the normal spring cycle (for once!) and will stop when it normally would and not just keep on raining all summer. We've had those too, and I do prefer that sun to peek through now and again. Would love to see the art work you did on the wind chime. Perhaps you could take a picture and post it?

Maddy: So great and wonderful for you..the good grades are something to keep you working hard at what you are trying to do. Yes, you go girl, and your sweet child is cheering you on, as well. Keep up the good work!

Dee: "The Town of July." Not much more I can say that hasn't already been said. So incredibly real, so incredibly sad. So wonderfully and beautifully written. Thank you so much for sharing it. Thanks for the pics of the turtles, also. I did manage to get in with a chiropractor for my back on Monday afternoon. Man, did he work me over. I did feel a little better when I left, and it lasted through the night and somewhat into the Tuesday. However, Tuesday afternoon, sitting with Kim at the airport waiting for her flight to board for her return home(Boy, do we miss her already!) I went to get up from a chair and just about hit the floor. Since then it has gotten progressively worse over the day and night, though it has not gotten quite as bad as it was on Monday before I saw the chiropractor. I go back on Thursday. Meantime, I use the walker at home when I have been sitting for a bit and have to get up. Walking around loosens it up, but getting up to do that walking is brutal. Sitting here at the computer is fine, til I get up...but it is that way no matter where I sit, so I might as well sit here and "talk" to you all. Mike's temp has leveled off somewhat. His surgeon called in a scrip for antibiotics and will be seeing him on Friday. Since he started the antibiotic, his fever has not gone over 99.8. The discomfort from the twisting of his thigh muscle seems to have calmed down. That is a blessing.

Angela--Charsmom: Holding you close, also. I am sorry that you feel so isolated. Please come here more often and let us help you, comfort you and show you that you are not alone. And as for sharing your story with others, I too have found that there are many out there like us...once the words are out there "I've lost my child," it seems that others who have experienced the same thing are ready to open up and share with you. They know. They understand. And they need your sharing too.

Trudi: Thinking of you. {{{{{{hugs to you}}}}}}

Louise: What an amazing experience with the FB from the person in Australia! Surely your precious Jilly is reaching out to you, and so wonderful that the person let you know. No coincidence. Not at all. I pray that your husband's skin tests go okay and they are able to help him. I so love your dream of Jilly. And yes, I truly believe that it was a true visit from your sweet daughter, letting you know that she is there with you. How wonderful for you. We are not photographers, but we do have tons of pics of the kids. Picking one out for Mike's memorial stone was a seemingly impossible feat. We were lucky in that one just "fell" into our hands at the right time. It was the perfect one for him. He is lying in a hammock on the porch of a cabin in Costa Rica...a high school trip that he loved so very much and had planned to go back there someday. We had looked and looked, and then one day, this one just came in to our view and we knew it was the one.

Kim returned home to Virginia this morning. Oh, what a tremendous help she was, and it was so good to have her here for all that time (three weeks). I felt so bad taking her away from her family, but they do understand and have been so very good about it. I know they were so, so glad to have her back, though. If all goes well with hubby's healing (and my back), we plan to drive down there in July, when the girls are out of school, and take them and Kim to Mike's sister's place for a few days. She lives in the western part of Virginia (Kim and the girls live on the coast, in Norfolk), and she is in the hills on a huge spread, (remember my pics from the trip in the fall?) and they will truly enjoy being out in the country like that for a bit. I hope it turns out to be something we can do. I know they will enjoy getting out of the city for a bit.

Sending love out to all of my indigo family. Holding you all close, and keeping you in my prayers daily.

[ericasmom]

Kate, I loved reading about the channel changing, Jeff really listened about letting you know in a way that just sends you the message that he is near, he is always near and loving you. Love it.

Carol, did the chiropracter say what he felt was off? I know sometimes after a visit I end up in more pain due to the muscles/tendons, going back to where they were before the adjustment. Sometimes it takes two or three visits before I am okay. My chiro says that our bodies have a memory, and when things get out of whack or have been the memory needs to be changed so that it refers back to the good health memory. I hope that you find relief, but oh that shooting pain, it is so difficult and zaps ones energy. Three cheers for no high fevers.

Thanks for your response to JULY story. We all have a story that is similar don't we?

[Jeff's Mom]

Morning All,

I was up during the night due to a huge spectacular storm. The thunder and lightning was so intense. The wind was amazing. When it rained it came down in torrents. If one could be excited by such a thing and not be afraid it was truly awe inspiring. The forces of nature are so much bigger then we are. Thankfully, we had no damage. However, I am really tired.

Jeff, was the kind of kid that loved to watch all the paranormal stuff on tv and scary movies. Most young people love to scare themselves to death at that stuff. Anyway, at one time I said to him that if anything happened to either of us we had to try to let the other know that we were OK. He hated sadness and he loved life and us. He must have seen how sad I was at Mother's Day time. I also asked God to allow him to give me a sign. My faith remains strong. I firmly believe that the recent happenings we are experiencing at this time is sent as a gift to help to bolster us up when we are feeling so saddened. Many would say that it is not possible. I disagree. You have to be open to it happening and it cannot happen just because we want it to. It really is a gift to give us strength.

Will post later. Off to my yoga class. Thinking of all of you today. Take care.

Kate

[mrsduc]

I do not know what happened to everything I had written but good thing I came back to this site so to see if there was any response and that is when I saw that only the picture I put with what I wrote showed up. Anyway made it thru the cruise without Robert. I cried alittle in the beginning but I knew Robert would want me to have a good time. I started to but 40 minutes into the first excursion on day two my husband broke his foot. And when the bus brought us back to the ship so he could be seen by the ship doctor the ship would not bring a wheelchair out to the bus. Said they were not allowed to take their wheelchairs off the ship. So his sister and myself started carrying him and we got a quarter of the way and there was a bench and he told us he needed to sit down. At about this time there were these guys running towards us to help and they were passengers from the ship and they saw how the ship was treating us. And then I guess the ship people didn't like this and they all of a sudden were allowed to bring a wheelchair off the ship and wheel my husband onto the ship. They also gave us some trouble when it was time to get off the ship on Friday because we needed a wheelchair. But other then that it was ok. I ended up spending alot of time on my balcony and bed because of carrying him, my back went out and I was in so much pain. But I had been on this cruise before and I did not feel like I was missing anything because alot of he time it rained when the other people with us went out on the excursions. I kind of liked it being me and my husband for a few hours during the day. Some really weird things have been happening that I know it is Robert communicating. I think he is letting me know that he is watching me and that he loves me. Whatever he is doing it has brought alot of peace to me. Sure I still miss him so much and I do wish that I could spend more time with him. But I know that he is all right and he is where he is finally happy and loved and no longer in pain or torment that this life brought him from almost the moment he was born by so called people that said they loved him. I maybe wrong in my thinking but I know that Robert killed himself but I believe that these other people that caused all the pain in him might as well pulled the trigger, so to speak and I will never forgive them. But I do not try to dwell on it, for it will only eat me away. But I do hope when it is there time to die and they are at the pearly gates that God lets them know all they have done to all my boys and to their own boys and to other people and then just maybe then they will get what is do them. I hope so. But that is now between them and God I have to let it go. I just know that Robert has been communicating in very weird ways to me and it just brings me love and peace to know that he loves me that much to do what he is doing to help me.

[ericasmom]

Robert's Mom,

I am so happy that you are feeling more at peace with Robert giving you messages. Glad that you went away for a change of scenery but sorry that your husband was injured and then not treated well. ALl in all however, it sounds as though the trip was a good thing. Good for you. Thanks for sharing the photo, it is fun to put a face with a story, looks like you did get some sunshine.

[Maddy6]

Double post

[Maddy6]

Linda,

It is so good to hear from you again. The picture is so nice and you look like you did enjoy yourself and it ultimately was a good thing. I am also glad you are hearing from Robert and feeling some peace. Sad news about your husband's foot, I am so very sorry and for the unkind way the ship people treated him! We had all been thinking about you on the site and several times others inquired about you. So I am so happy it was such a good time for you.

Please pray and think of me tomorrow everyone. My class is 8-11:45 am and the professor is going to finish teaching on some things and then we will have our final. Because of the nature of the class being a Maymester and time constraints, the final will count for 2 test grades! Lot's of pressure there :-)! I could lose my A by getting a poor grade and it counting double! eek! Anyway, I love Psychology. It is so very interesting. Plus, this professor has a tremendous sense of humor. As he teaches he gives life examples and he is hillarious. So I am stressed over the double test tomorrow, and will be exhausted afterwards I am sure. But heeyyyyy, 2 weeks as opposed to a whole semester, not a bad deal at all!!!

Kate,

You must let me know who wins AI tonight since I am in tv poverty land :-\ LOL, guess you are pulling for Jessica? Also I have discovered that my favortie show, Revenge (do you watch it?) can be watched online, and discovered another called Scandal, also can watch it online. Sure hope I will feel the $100 we are saving per month is worth it living without tv! :-)

Dee,

That is so awesome that you meet with other writers. I should have known. I am anxiously awaiting your first book. In fact, standing in line waiting!! :-)

[ericasmom]

Maddy, good luck good luck, double for the double points. I loved my pysch classes too. Those and sociology classes and a bunch of others too. I like school. As a youngster, it was my safe place to be but I could not read or tell time or tie my shoes as the others did, it took me such a long time to learn how to learn. Finally I began to get things, but it was not until I was 17 that I actually was able to read a book for enjoyment. Much later to do so on a regular basis. Now I would go nuts if I did not have a book I was liking. Yes, I am in a small group and each vacation we have taken since Eri died has been a writing class, though some years we simply do not go anywhere because I don't want to be away.

Amber's Mom, extra hope goes along with you tomorrow to court. Hope and prayers.

Please send some good vibes/prayers to my student tomorrow as she undergoes surgery to stretch her tendons and ligaments in her ankle and foot. She was born with some issues and very premie, she is a doll and a wonder. She will be at Childrens Memorial Hospital, a very good place to be.

[mikesmomrs]

Good thoughts and prayers to all tonight who are in extra need for whatever reason...Maddy....good luck, good luck...as Dee said, double luck for the double test. Dee...good luck and prayers for your little student. Ambers mom...we will all be with you in court, through our thoughts and prayers.

Linda...so good to see your picture. So sorry about your hubby's accident, but as you said, it gave you extra private time with each other. I am glad that you are feeling Robert about you...his love and sweet spirit are always there. Thanks for sharing the pic of you and hubby...I love the way he has his hand resting on your hip...a sweet, loving gesture that says "I love this woman!"

Dee: The chiro told me what was off, but I can't remember exactly. Some muslce or other is pulled, on the left side of my spine near the hip, and is producung the pain on my right side, lower back, into the butt area on that side. Right now, I could not lift my right leg up if I had to use the muscle that runs along my backside. Once I've been sitting for a bit, it is just the worst, worst pain to get on my feet again. I did get some relief the other night, after I had seen him, but any 'improvement' I might have felt is gone. I see him agqin on Thursday. And, you are SO right, the treatment truly does hurt! It will be gone in time, I just have to keep telling myself that.

Kate: I agree that the recent happenings are gifts to you and hubby to let you know that your precious son is there with you. Your statement that "it really is a gift to give us strength" is so very right! I don't know where I would be without my faith; it is what sustains me through everything.

Going to try to turn in early; my back has been starting to hurt even when i am just sitting here, so I am going to try lying down.

Love to all...as always, you are all always in my prayers. Betty...don't know if you are reading, but I am hoping you are having a wonderful time on your trip.

[ericasmom]

Good luck Carol, I am hoping that by Thursday you mean Today and not next Thursday. Let him know how long the work on you actually helped. I have had this similar injury. Excruciating is all I could call it. When mine was out like that, I could not drive to the chiro, needed a ride because I could not use my foot to press and my arms to turn the wheel. It took some time to heal after that one but I did slowly improve. Is he asking you to use ice/heat? I have a few exercises I have to do to keep in place, but I know I could not do them in the pain you are in. Sounds like your hip flexers, your whole pelvis is engaged, and your sacral area. OW! So prayers for your healing. I know that stress builds and the body performs until it can't so through all your stress your body held it all together, now it is time for repair. Oh I actually bought something called a sacro-wedgy, google it and ask your chiro about it for you. It may not serve your needs but I have used it for years now and it helps me. Also, ask him if a brace (velcro type) could be used. I find when I am way off and hurting, that the brace I have that wraps around the lower and mid section, helps greatly as I can relax a bit and let the brace do the holding up.

[mrsduc]

I need some advice on this last time that Robert contacted me. My birth sister Kim (who went with us on the cruise) has a granddaughter named Destiny. Well Destiny got a hold of Kim's cell phone (which she has done at other times) and Kim heard some music and asked her what was she doing and grab the phone to see and to her surprise Destiny had gotten on youtube (which Kim does not have a icon on her phone to get to it) and somehow gotten to my son Robert's song and was playing. First of all Robert never met Kim or her granddaughter. I had talked to about her in the last year. But I don't know if he is trying to tell me that he excepts her or what the message he is trying to convey. So if anyone might have some thoughts please let me know. But there is no way anyone can denie that it wasn't Robert. Because there is no way that Destiny could of found him without help because as you know youtube is pretty big and she would of had to type in his name to get to his video song. And she did not know him and especially his last name. So that is why I know it was Robert, but just cannot understand what he is trying to say.

this is a picture of my birth sister and my best friend Kim

[Jeff's Mom]

Maddy, watched Idol last evening and was surprised to see that Philip won over Jessica. As far as not having a TV any longer...well, I can remember as a child my parents refused to have one at our cottage. We played board games, read and had a ton of company and face to face conversations. As in plenty of company. It was a great time when I look back with my friends The days before computers, etc. We made our own fun and used our imagination. Good memories all around. Thinking of you as I write this post. Wishing you another great set of marks today!

Carol, sorry to see that you are having such pain with your back and leg. I do truly hope that the physio will be of help and give you that needed relief.

Linda, it was lovely to look at the pic of your holiday. I am sorry that you had that mishap with your husband. Hopefully he will mend quickly.

Dee, definitely thinking of your little one while she has surgery today. Sending prayers and good wishes her way for a positive recovery.

Kate

[daveydow1]

Dee------The writing classes must be so much fun and helpful. Hoping that you don't have

any need to visit your chiro again anytime soon. Back problems (and headaches) are 'the

bane of man'....to quote my old and beloved family Dr. who has passed on recently. Sending prayers

for your student.

Robertsmom-----Sorry to hear of your husband's broken foot,.....and was dismayed that

the cruise line seemed to be so uncaring about one of its passengers. Glad that they

finally relented and came with the wheelchair. The UTube song that was Robert's favorite

was a lovely sign from your son. We're always looking for those signs, and when they

come to us.......they are such treasures to tuck away in our hearts.

Kate-----You said that one must be open to signs and happenings. I agree.......this is so

true. And you are right-----we cannot just make them happen because we want them to. The

signs and happenings must come as they will, and we're so happy when they come......

sometimes when we least expect it. Peace to you.

Carol-------Oh....sorry about your back.......it must be so painful.....especially upon rising out

of the sitting position. I do hope that you are able to get some relief soon. Good to hear that

Mike's temp is stabilized. We need rain here. The fields are so dry that when the tractors

are doing something out there, it looks like a dust storm with all the dust getting swirled

up in the air. The corn seems to be holding its own, and even inching up, but everything could

really use rain. Good weather for haymaking, though. Take care.......peace & comfort to you.

Jillysmom.....Louise-----So nice that you had the dream of your sweet daughter, Jilly. Those

dreams of our children,....when they come.....are so real, and we treasure the 'visit' and

the love our babies send us......no matter how long or brief the dream may be. We just store them away,

in our memory bank, so that we may think about it again and again with so much love.

Hi to Betty, Leah, Diane, Trudi, Maddy, Rhonda, Gretchen, Susan, Betsy, Amy, and all Indigos.

PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Jeff's Mom]

Dee------The writing classes must be so much fun and helpful. Hoping that you don't have

any need to visit your chiro again anytime soon. Back problems (and headaches) are 'the

bane of man'....to quote my old and beloved family Dr. who has passed on recently. Sending prayers

for your student.

Robertsmom-----Sorry to hear of your husband's broken foot,.....and was dismayed that

the cruise line seemed to be so uncaring about one of its passengers. Glad that they

finally relented and came with the wheelchair. The UTube song that was Robert's favorite

was a lovely sign from your son. We're always looking for those signs, and when they

come to us.......they are such treasures to tuck away in our hearts.

Kate-----You said that one must be open to signs and happenings. I agree.......this is so

true. And you are right-----we cannot just make them happen because we want them to. The

signs and happenings must come as they will, and we're so happy when they come......

sometimes when we least expect it. Peace to you.

Carol-------Oh....sorry about your back.......it must be so painful.....especially upon rising out

of the sitting position. I do hope that you are able to get some relief soon. Good to hear that

Mike's temp is stabilized. We need rain here. The fields are so dry that when the tractors

are doing something out there, it looks like a dust storm with all the dust getting swirled

up in the air. The corn seems to be holding its own, and even inching up, but everything could

really use rain. Good weather for haymaking, though. Take care.......peace & comfort to you.

Jillysmom.....Louise-----So nice that you had the dream of your sweet daughter, Jilly. Those

dreams of our children,....when they come.....are so real, and we treasure the 'visit' and

the love our babies send us......no matter how long or brief the dream may be. We just store them away,

in our memory bank, so that we may think about it again and again with so much love.

Hi to Betty, Leah, Diane, Trudi, Maddy, Rhonda, Gretchen, Susan, Betsy, Amy, and all Indigos.

PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

Sherry, has it been a long time since you had rain? I imagine the seeding could use a good steady light rain to help it along. Our weather today is just awful. These ups and downs are driving me crazy. When I woke up this morning it promised to be a decent day. Sun shining and about 17C (mid-sixties) Then by mid morning it was as if somebody flipped a switch. It dropped like a stone to 9C. It is now overcast and they are calling for frost tonight. Drat! So I now have to cover all of my flowers that are delicate. One day it is shorts and sandals and the next woolies! Well, when it happens like this you can only go with the flow. Makes it easier on your nerves.

Are you situated on a farm in Ohio? How have your temps being? It is a fine balance and must be nerve wracking to follow the weather forecast when it is so vital to the outcome of the crops. A couple of years ago we had flooding going on and now we find ourselves praying for rain. I hope it works out for you and you get a nice gentle steady rain. I enjoy hearing about your garden.

I had coffee this morning with a very lovely lady that I have known for many years. Her grandaughter passed away not long afterJeff died of cancer. She was 21 years old. The one really comforting thing about our meeting was that it helped to reinforce how we all are going through similar symptoms. Between a few teary eyed stories that we shared there was the ability to still allow laughter to slowly slip into our conversation. It really does help to talk to others going through this. No doubt about that!

[Kelly Lutgen]

I have a beautiful 27 year old son who acquired a brain injury when he was two years old. He was a twin with a girl; she remained healthy. He had beautiful red hair and big blue eyes. She had blonde hair and brown eyes and they were beautiful. In the last 25 years since her brain injury my son has had many, many life threatening medical crises arise. He has uncontrollable epilepsy and just suffered a fractured neck. In addition to being profoundly mentally challenged, he can no longer walk well or use his left arm.

My problem is that my baby is dying; but it's a slow, painful death. It is so hard to watch him slip away. For years, even with all of his brain damage, he smiled and his smile lit up the room! He laughed at every thing; everything in life gave him joy. He ran and ran and ran! I could never keep up with him and neither could his brothers and sisters. But now, he is a shadow of his former self.

I can accept the brain damage: the not speaking, the wearing diapers, the not being able to do anything for himself. But I can't take the torture of watching him slip slowly away and suffer one illness to the next; one injury to the next.

Many people say the most insensitive things to me. Even doctors; maybe especially doctors. Everybody acts as if I shouldn't really be sad because after all, he is retarded. But they don't know that every good thing in me is a result of loving and caring for him. I would be nothing if this had not happened to him. He taught me how to love. I have never loved any other human the way I love him.

I am so scared of him suffering and slipping away slowly. I always prayed it would be quick. But the time is coming soon and he is suffering more than I ever thought he would at the end. He is all I think about night and day. My relationships, my other children and my job are being affected. I feel like very few people understand how difficult it is to watch a disabled person slowly die. People tell me the craziest things, like:

Oh, he's suffering, it's better for him to go.

How much does he really know anyway?

Is he even happy?

Don't hang onto him for you; don't be selfish. (As if I have any control)

What kind of sin is in your life that this is happening?

And the old standby God will never give you any more than you can handle.

God knows you could handle it; you're a very strong lady.

I've even had doctors refuse to treat him like a normal patient because of his profound disabilities; not to mention the schools and businesses that don't want him.

I don't know if this is the right forum, but I hope it is.

Help?

[ericasmom]

Jonathan's Mom, you are at the right spot to be when you are facing so much and dealing daily with the pain of all that comes with watching a child suffer. I am so sorry for the loss that is slowly happening, taking your heart another notch down with each slip of Jonathan's health. Sweet Baby of yours, may he be filled to the brim with your love and find his wings without any more suffering. The road you are on will turn and there will be ruts and holes, we will be here for yo when you slip into the depths of them, we get it. There are some here whose child left after suffering through illness and disabilities. You will find a place to be with your ache and sadness here. How is Jon's twin? Tell us about the other kids in your family and how everyone is dealing with this when you are able.

As you probably know, Jonathan means gift from God. And as you pointed out, he is indeed that and more.

My girl died nearly 9 years ago after her car was struck by an Amtrak at a broken crossing. She was 19. I will always be her Momma thankfully.

[mrsduc]

It is 3am and I got woken up feeling like someone was watching me and before I opened my eyes I knew and felt it was Robert. I did not want to open my eyes because I felt a warmth that I never felt before and I knew that feeling and Robert would be gone when I woke up. I am just shaking. It seems that Robert is coming thru more and more and I am wondering if he is trying to tell me something. It is the strangest thing that I like but cannot understand. I do not know if he is just coming around alot to let me know he is watching over me and that he loves me or is he trying to warn me about something. I just know that something things that have happened cannot not be explained except that it had to be him because nothing else makes sense

[hoosiermom]

Jonathan's Momma

My name is Jenn and my sweet Brianna was born with many disabilities and was mentally challenged as well, I lost her when she was 15. She did not suffer thank God, she had enough suffering throughout her life with illnesses and surgeries. Oh she was a sweet girl! She knew nothing but unconditional love and acceptance her whole life. So I completely understand what you mean about these special children making us better people.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I don't have any magic soothing words to make it better for you or your family. I just want you to know that I do understand and I will be lifting you all up in my thoughts and prayers. Please come back and tell us more about your beautiful son, when you can.

I have two other daughters and I always told them....God searched the whole world over for the perfect family to send Brianna to, and He chose us! How lucky and blessed we are....my girls adored their sister and never looked at her as a burden, and I know she made them more loving, caring young women. My youngest daughter is 16 now and told me the other day that she is thinking of becoming a special education teacher.

May your love for Jonathan wrap him in a soft blanket and ease his suffering.....

Jenn

Brianna's Momma