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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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Hey everyone. I'm so glad March has gone again. It is such a bittersweet month (the month my Dylan was born and died in). I had hoped that it would go by with as little intensity as possible, but it wasn't to be. On the anniversary of Dylan's funeral (24th) I broke out in shingles! My doctor says its from the stress i've been through. They are quite a bad case too, so not only am I broken hearted from Dylan's loss, but I'm in intense pain from these too. When it rains it pours. I'm hoping I won't be left with any neuralgia from this. I have enough pain in my life. I havn't been able to work, so I just lay here hurting in my mind and body. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

Cindy

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Just wanted to come on and say to Becky that I am with you in thought today. The six month mark is so unbelievable...we all understand.

Kate and Susan: so sorry you are feeling so down right now. Yes, the holidays do add taht extra sense of "missing" that just makes things harder. My heart to you.

Gretchen: I am sorry that you are not able to put anything on Forest's grave until October. It does seem to be something that we can "do" for them, and when it is not allowed, it hurts.

Dee: Hope you are having an easy transition back to the classroom.

Cindy: So very sorry to hear about the shingles...I broke out in them a couple of Christmas's after Mike died...I was fortunate to have a milder case than most, but they still hurt like the dickens. Yes, stress can definitely bring them on. I hope you are feeling better soon.

Amber...{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}} to you. So very sorry that you are having to deal with all of this. My heart to you.

Daniel's dad...yes, it is so nice that you have the recent picture of all of you. Thank you for sharing. So very sorry for your loss of your precious son.

Sarah: So, so sorry that you have a reason to be here, but glad that you have found BI...you will find comfort and understanding here. Here is a place you can truly say how you are feeling, and we will all understand.

Maddy: Good luck with Carson's appointment. Will be keeping him in my prayers.

Lynn: how is your hand doing?

I am still going crazy with my computer, trying to get everything back to the way it was. Our email was SO messed up...I have storage folders in there where I store a lot of my business emails, and when my computer was restored, there were no emails newer than 2010! I spent over three hours on the phone yesterday with Carbonite, trying to get the rest back. The "first level" tech worked with me for almost two hours and wound up saying that they just "couldn't be found." When I said "Well, you know, this is really difficult to understand. This is WHY I purchased Carbonite in the first place." So, he transferred me to the "second level" tech, another over one hour, and towards the end, he said, I just can't locate them. When I again said the same thing about WHY I had bought Carbonite, he spent a little more time "looking" and after totally restoring the Carbonite program and the backed up files, he finally found them. Why couldn't they do that in the first place? Why tell me that they just couldn't be found? The techs were truly patient and understanding, but I just don't understand why they were going to give up when there was obviously another thing they hadn't yet tried. I am going to write the company, and while I will give kudos to the techs for their hard work, I do want to know why they were going to just give up until I pushed them somewhat.

Anyway, so today I have been trying to sort through the email, which came back in triplicate, and some of it has some of the emails and some folders have others, so it has been a huge day of eye strain! I am just glad that I have it all back. I took out our external hard drive today and backed up everything on the computer, but can't figure out how to copy those email files to the external hard drive. Frustrating as heck!

Got to go and cook supper. Take care all, thinking of you and sending strength to all of you.

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Just wanted to come on and say to Becky that I am with you in thought today. The six month mark is so unbelievable...we all understand.

Kate and Susan: so sorry you are feeling so down right now. Yes, the holidays do add taht extra sense of "missing" that just makes things harder. My heart to you.

Gretchen: I am sorry that you are not able to put anything on Forest's grave until October. It does seem to be something that we can "do" for them, and when it is not allowed, it hurts.

Dee: Hope you are having an easy transition back to the classroom.

Cindy: So very sorry to hear about the shingles...I broke out in them a couple of Christmas's after Mike died...I was fortunate to have a milder case than most, but they still hurt like the dickens. Yes, stress can definitely bring them on. I hope you are feeling better soon.

Amber...{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}} to you. So very sorry that you are having to deal with all of this. My heart to you.

Daniel's dad...yes, it is so nice that you have the recent picture of all of you. Thank you for sharing. So very sorry for your loss of your precious son.

Sarah: So, so sorry that you have a reason to be here, but glad that you have found BI...you will find comfort and understanding here. Here is a place you can truly say how you are feeling, and we will all understand.

Maddy: Good luck with Carson's appointment. Will be keeping him in my prayers.

Lynn: how is your hand doing?

I am still going crazy with my computer, trying to get everything back to the way it was. Our email was SO messed up...I have storage folders in there where I store a lot of my business emails, and when my computer was restored, there were no emails newer than 2010! I spent over three hours on the phone yesterday with Carbonite, trying to get the rest back. The "first level" tech worked with me for almost two hours and wound up saying that they just "couldn't be found." When I said "Well, you know, this is really difficult to understand. This is WHY I purchased Carbonite in the first place." So, he transferred me to the "second level" tech, another over one hour, and towards the end, he said, I just can't locate them. When I again said the same thing about WHY I had bought Carbonite, he spent a little more time "looking" and after totally restoring the Carbonite program and the backed up files, he finally found them. Why couldn't they do that in the first place? Why tell me that they just couldn't be found? The techs were truly patient and understanding, but I just don't understand why they were going to give up when there was obviously another thing they hadn't yet tried. I am going to write the company, and while I will give kudos to the techs for their hard work, I do want to know why they were going to just give up until I pushed them somewhat.

Anyway, so today I have been trying to sort through the email, which came back in triplicate, and some of it has some of the emails and some folders have others, so it has been a huge day of eye strain! I am just glad that I have it all back. I took out our external hard drive today and backed up everything on the computer, but can't figure out how to copy those email files to the external hard drive. Frustrating as heck!

Got to go and cook supper. Take care all, thinking of you and sending strength to all of you.

Cindy...hope your health improves

Carol...GOD BLESS YOU! Thank you for your encouragement. Hope the computer thing works out. Thinking of you and Ralph/Mike. Have a lovely and terrific holiday!

Susan...Thinking of you. Take care, my friend.

Dee...hope that first day back was not too stressful.

Sorry for being on such a downer this past couple of weeks. I miss him so much that at times it is unbearable. Thanks for understanding.

Kate

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For those of you dealing with marks of time...six months is a hard one, a big one for me. That day as I have told before, there was a small package in the mail or was it delivered by UPS< i no longer remember, but in it was a beautiful silver chain and medallion, delicate, with chinese characters that indicate, BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER and the initials EER.

Those of course are Eri's initials, Erica Eileen Reith. I have had it on since and we are approaching 9 years without her. How does that happen? Hard to believe but it is so and so being here my main purpose is telling you all that you will make it, life will take on new purpose but it first has to be like it is for a while, it is like being stuck in slow motion on one hand, and sped up time on another as the sequence of things and the order of life has been knocked askew. Nothing makes sense for a while.

Yes, as you travel through a new phase, likely you will feel worse, and that is scary as how can one feel worse? But we can and we do until we have enough of the tools and energy to very slowly carve a new style of life out of the life you have been given. We are sculptors then, artists with the most delicate and yet the strongest of materials---our spirits.

When you are feeling that you are dying, you are in a way, the life you had is not there anymore, we die some, and then we add parts to our lives and learn to live some. We fashion a new life from the remnants and the hope that exists somewhere inside of us and definitely inside our Children. If we can, we learn to live in the light that they do shine for us, their light shining and we cannot always see it, but we find a glimpse of it, and then a little more, it is there just as your light would be shining for them had it been you that left first. We still do want to parent our Children, and in many ways I feel that deep connection to Erica even though she would be turning 28 on Wednesday and she left at the tender age of 19. I still talk to her daily and find her in many places and songs and faces and in nature always.

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Well it's Brian's birthday month. Last Sunday Me my wife and my daughter went picking at a junk yard Brian loved to frequent. When ever he and I went there he was like a kid in a candy store. Anyway we found our parts Sunday and were just browsing the rows of cars looking to see if there was anything we needed. As we walked down one row of cars my wife who was behind me said Greg look at this. As I turned she stood up holding the chrome letter B.

I guess it was a piece of an autos name tag. I think Brian was saying HI Mom and Dad. Glad to see you guys junk yarding together. :)

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Thank heaven for your words of wisdom, Dee. On Saturday my husband and I sat on a bench overlooking the lake where Jeff's ashes are scattered. And this this time without his dog... as she is now too frail to make it into the site. As we sat on the bench I started to think about the upcoming holiday. I was filled with such a deep sadness as I recalled all of those who sat around our table that are now gone. I have buried six people in a short space of time. And now the dog is even starting to show signs of not being around for too much longer. Every last person that sat at the table are now dead, I feel like somebody that was brought in from a battlefield I am so exhausted and hollowed out. This nothingness in my life is a new phase for me. I had cooked and prepared every holiday event for over thirty-five years. I had somehow thought that at this stage of my life it would be my turn to be invited elsewhere. I\d be happy to bring the wine and dessert. But instead it ended in isolation. Nothing prepared me for that. I don't know how to look after myself as I have spent my entire life looking after others. So here I sit with a sculpture's chisel not knowing how to hold it. Guess I'll have to learn. I'm starting with a totally blank piece of stone.

Beautiful sunny day. We talk about the weather up here so much as it is so dramatically different almost every day. Time to pick myself up and get cracking. Hope everyone has good day.:)

Kate

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Kate,

I am so sorry for the way you are feeling today. I think sometimes we have dreams and expectations of what our future will hold. When it does not work out like that we are confused. I know I sure am, I thought I would have grandbabies now and babysitting etc. I wanted to suggest possible avenues that you might take that could help. I started going back to college after Rachael died. Last Saturday I was feeling so sad and depressed. I went to my class at my community college and had the most wonderful day. Sometimes when I go to school it is like I have entered into another world. So focused and busy I am that I forget my heartache. I should graduate from university next year with my bachelor's, but have decided I will always continue taking classes at my community college regardless. It has been very therapeutic for me. I also may pursue my master's. Also, as a non-traditional student I have had many opportunities to help young struggling students who lack guidance from a parent (It amazes me how many student's I become friends with that have the name Rachael). There are also many colleges who offer classes online. For me, another positive aspect is my boys seeing my pursuit of a degree even at my age, and the vision it gives them. Anyway, I guess I am saying all of that to say that when one door shuts, perhaps there is another one open. I know you feel isolated, I also have. In New Orleans we had many friends and lots of pool parties. Rachael died when we first moved here, and I lacked the mental fortitude to pursue friendships etc. because of that. I have also felt isolated. When some of you talk of the inappropriate things friends have said following your child's death, I barely had that, because I truly lacked any friendships in our new location. But school was a positive during that difficult time. I was in so much pain, yet it was something tangible it gave me to hang onto. A place where no one knew of my pain unless I chose to reveal it. It was also a place where I was allowed to reveal and find comfort in various projects. Once in Creative Writing I gave a presentation using my own artwork on power point to poetry. I wrote about Rachael and my grief and only then did I see the artwork had evolved from being dark and dreary to becoming more brighter as time progressed following years after Rachael's death. I know my writing was not so good. Yet my professor encouraged me and cheered me on. The class probably thought I was whacked, so dark, and dreary was my poetry. Yet these were healing steps for me. I know I still have a long way to go, but I know I have to look for things outside of the life I expected. I do not want to. I know I have to. Perhaps there is something you could become involved in to keep your mind busy to help with the feelings of isolation. School is just one suggestion, but possibly there are other options? I hope I did not offend you. I am just trying to help and I do feel your pain. I care and I understand.

Love,

MADDY

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Well it's Brian's birthday month. Last Sunday Me my wife and my daughter went picking at a junk yard Brian loved to frequent. When ever he and I went there he was like a kid in a candy store. Anyway we found our parts Sunday and were just browsing the rows of cars looking to see if there was anything we needed. As we walked down one row of cars my wife who was behind me said Greg look at this. As I turned she stood up holding the chrome letter B.

I guess it was a piece of an autos name tag. I think Brian was saying HI Mom and Dad. Glad to see you guys junk yarding together. :)

Greg...that is really neat. I hope you bought it?

Well, hubby and I have decided to take a new approach. He has decided to take my laptop into the city to work with him so I cannot access the internet. I need to move on. Get out into the world and find a new direction. This has to be a first...tough love on myself! Wish me luck.

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darlenestark

I just spent three wonderful days with my son Ali's wife and their baby River - it was the first time I had seen them since Ali's funeral. Having River crawling around my living room took me back 26 years - with the exception of her copper hair, fair skin, and green eyes, she is exactly like her daddy, so good, so happy, always scanning the world around her and taking it all in. I took her for walks in the same baby backpack that I used with Ali, and she loved it as much as he always did. While exploring a bin filled with 35 years worth of toys, River was most fascinated with an eagle she found - it was one of Ali's favorite toys. When they were leaving, I gave Tricia the backpack and the eagle and a few other things Ali loved, and she cried - but I'm pretty sure Ali was smiling...

We stayed up late at night, telling stories and asking questions and laughing and crying. She told me that sitting there talking with me, she felt as if she were talking with Ali - she said that I am so much like him. That was the very best compliment I've ever received in my whole life...

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Darlene, how wonderful for your heart and for your spirit, and for thiers too. I know Ali is smiling on you all, so proud of His Girls.

Kate, so far the return to school has been good, the kids are good, some reluctant to work hard, but that is a given after a break.

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Ambersmom---I'm so sorry that you are going through so much with the death certificate and all. Each new

thing can be a stab to the heart, I know. Wish there was something that could be said to ease your pain.

Just know that we are always here to help, at BI. Peace to you, friend.

Kate----So very sorry for all the losses you have had. I understand that empty feeling you have......and the

feeling can be magnified by the holidays. My thoughts are with you.

Dee-----Your post about being with Mike as he was leaving this world, and reassuring him that ERz would

be there to take him with her into the pink clouds was so eloquently written. The necklace you received,

with EER ....ERi's initials.....must be a dear treasure to you.

Trudi-----I agree-----the ocean seems to have a very deep and calming effect on a mourning heart. Sometimes,

when we go to the ocean for a trip,......my husband and I will walk the beach for miles---just gazing off as

far as the eye can see, and watching shorebirds, and listening to the waves coming in. So restorative to

the soul.

PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

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Kind of an unsettling day today (Wednesday here). My daughter is off to hospital to have the pins removed from the leg she broke last September. Once upon a time it wouldn't phase me, but now, I get the butterflies, uneasy stomach and become quite ratty. I will have grandies here for the nexts couple of days so that will be a welcome distraction.

Also, a dear dear friend of mine is embarking on the next phase of her healing journey today. I think of her often and hope with all my heart the healing continues.

On Monday I saw my psychologist. Its been 5yrs (OMG) since I was sent to him, a bumbling incoherant mess lost in a dark abyss. In a way its good to see the 'progress' I have made.

He works with many trauma patients. One in particular is a survivor of the Black Saturday Fires. She lost her son. She was telling my psych that this past week she went for a walk along the beach with her iPod which plays her 'meditation' tracks. As she began to walk the following came through. Pretenders, "2000 miles", 'In the arms of an angel' and another track that was about Coming home soon. She fell to the sand and began to sob.

She couldn't explain it so she asked my psych if she was going mad. He told her about Mike and how he downloads to my computer, my iPod and to his brothers equipment ~ mainly music that only Mike would know.

She now has a peace that eluded her. Walking the beach, listening to what she (and I) believe to be a message from far away...

For Indigos everywhere.

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Darlene...what a lovely few days spent with your precious grandchild! How nice.

Maddy...thanks for your support and advice. I will definitely consider taking classes this coming fall.

Dee...thinking of you tomorrow. Glad the ids are behaved at school. I;m sure they are looking forward to the upcoming weekend.

Trudi...hope all went well with your daughter's procedure on her leg. And you are so very right about the calming effect of being by the water.

Sherry...thanks for you kind wishes and thoughts. I do aoppreciate it.

Susan...hope today finds you feeling a bit better.

Well, tough love is hard when you are applying it to yourself. The day was so/so. However, I forced myself into staying out most of the day. Actually got a lot accomplished. I will probably sleep like a log tonight. I read another post about our fave all time one liners on grieving. I must admit that even though I am going through it myself...I have also said a few of those same things to people without any unkind intentions. I guess nerves are frayed and we are walking around in a daze particularly at the beginning. Anything can rub us the wrong way. It would be an excellent idea for churches and schools and funeral homes, etc. to have a poster of suggestions for people as a learning tool.Dee was so right a few days ago. We are not taught how to handle the grief process. Wouldn't it be nice if it started now. I know in my heart that many of the things said were not done intentially to hurt me. They simply do not understand. How could they? I wouldn't wish this on anybody. Take care eyerone.

Kate :)

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Holy Cow Trudi, I love that your friend had 2000 miles play on her meditative music, along with the others, as you know, 2000 miles holds significance to my soul. Wow, how wondrous and how wonderful that the psychologist was able to let the woman know about you and Mike's antics with music. Messages all the way around.I do hope that Melissa is well after getting the pins from her old break.

Sherry, thanks so much, I was so glad to have been able to spend that time with Mike, and to have witnessed his peace in leaving with his Girl at the helm.

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Trudi, thank you for the music, that song is one of my favorite Chrissy Hynde songs in addition to 2000 miles. She is an inspiration to me, has been since her first album many years ago. A true soulful rocker.

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Happy Birthday Daughter of Mine, Sweet Erica, a treasure in my spirit and in my soul, filling me with your peace. Your laughter still delights me, a memory of it embedded in my soul, pulled out to brighten the grayest of days. You have always had that magic, you always will.

Erica Eileen Reith- 4-4-84----7-14-03

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darlenestark

Dee - Such beautiful words for your beautiful daughter - Happy Birthday Erica!

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tobyfreefoot

dee--i'm so glad erica has gifted your life. HAPPY BIRTHDAY ERICA so glad you continue to fill your mother's life with love.

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ERI! YOU ARE ENGRAVED IN THE HEARTS AND MEMORIES OF ALL WHO KNEW YOU!

Dee, thinking of you today.

Kate

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Sorry I haven't been here much, seems I have become rather reclusive during the past month or so.

I miss many of you, don't want to miss anyone so you know who you are. The Judicial System can

be more than trying and as many of you know from experience it's far from compassionate and when a

precious child is killed, what is Justice anyway? We have maybe 2 more court appearances and this end of

of things is over until parole/probation comes up. The Judge actually said there are two tragedies here.

Someone lost a life and someone is going to jail. TWO TRAGEDIES? Um, first off my Amber didn't lose her

life it was TAKEN, second off going to jail for what I consider a short time compared to what you did, isn't a

tragedy it's the law even if it seems the penalty too little to us the family and harsh to you the one being locked

up. The DUNK has been openly soliciting character statements on his behave and that makes me sick to my stomach.

I have been asking privately for letters in Amber's behave. To think the most this person will get is 10 years is

not Justice to be and to know there is a possibility he could get as little as probation is a nightmare. To hear

the drunk warned if he does this again he will be charged with MURDER is like a knife in my heart all over again.

NEXT TIME .. There should be no next time, what is Amber? A trial run, a learning experience a free pass?

I honestly can't really find the words but I know you here understand. It has now been 109 days and the shock

and numbness is wearing off. I no longer "want" to go to the tree ( scene of crash) , I don't want or like going to

the cemetery I only go when my kids go and I am with them ( as support). I am having a hard time figuring out

the true difference between denial and acceptance. I know Amber is gone .. I know she is never ever coming back ,

yet I still mentally run to places of "there must be something we can do" , I wake up in a panic thinking I need to

be at the hospital and crazy other things. Like many of you here I have never done this before , there are no

directions on ho to lose a child, how to grieve, how to accept etc.. My meds are not working like they used to

and I took 2 the last court appearance, it didn't phase me . I wept in the hallway of the court house as if we were

still at the hospital ( too bad the judge didn't see that) I have to prepare a victim impact statement soon and while

the thoughts and words go racing trough my mind I can't seem to actually put it together. In my mind I MUST

speak for Amber yet to reveal my deepest feelings and pain in sort of way I feel gives the DRUNK a sick sense of power.

Yet if I don't speak he has power also. How does a parent sum up in 3 to 5 minutes what this has done to them and

their family. How do I get a cold and calloused system to realize my daughter was a huge lose to many, not just her family

and friends, but her community as well. How on Earth does a parent do that successfully? I know at some point I need to seek

counseling but for now all I have is you here and believe me it has been a survival line. I know I would be dealing or coping

way worse without all of you here. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you on a constant daily basis. My deepest condolences

to the new members here. While it's good you found the site to help you get through this all of us wish you never had the "need"

to come here . Feel free to email me it's on my page.

LOVE HUGS PRAYERS

Amber's Momma

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westleysmom

Happy Heavenly Birthday Erica Eileen

Dee-Hope that you are okay today and feel her big hand holding yours always. Sending my love and thoughts to you today as you remember and hopefully smile

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Sorry I haven't been here much, seems I have become rather reclusive during the past month or so.

I miss many of you, don't want to miss anyone so you know who you are. The Judicial System can

be more than trying and as many of you know from experience it's far from compassionate and when a

precious child is killed, what is Justice anyway? We have maybe 2 more court appearances and this end of

of things is over until parole/probation comes up. The Judge actually said there are two tragedies here.

Someone lost a life and someone is going to jail. TWO TRAGEDIES? Um, first off my Amber didn't lose her

life it was TAKEN, second off going to jail for what I consider a short time compared to what you did, isn't a

tragedy it's the law even if it seems the penalty too little to us the family and harsh to you the one being locked

up. The DUNK has been openly soliciting character statements on his behave and that makes me sick to my stomach.

I have been asking privately for letters in Amber's behave. To think the most this person will get is 10 years is

not Justice to be and to know there is a possibility he could get as little as probation is a nightmare. To hear

the drunk warned if he does this again he will be charged with MURDER is like a knife in my heart all over again.

NEXT TIME .. There should be no next time, what is Amber? A trial run, a learning experience a free pass?

I honestly can't really find the words but I know you here understand. It has now been 109 days and the shock

and numbness is wearing off. I no longer "want" to go to the tree ( scene of crash) , I don't want or like going to

the cemetery I only go when my kids go and I am with them ( as support). I am having a hard time figuring out

the true difference between denial and acceptance. I know Amber is gone .. I know she is never ever coming back ,

yet I still mentally run to places of "there must be something we can do" , I wake up in a panic thinking I need to

be at the hospital and crazy other things. Like many of you here I have never done this before , there are no

directions on ho to lose a child, how to grieve, how to accept etc.. My meds are not working like they used to

and I took 2 the last court appearance, it didn't phase me . I wept in the hallway of the court house as if we were

still at the hospital ( too bad the judge didn't see that) I have to prepare a victim impact statement soon and while

the thoughts and words go racing trough my mind I can't seem to actually put it together. In my mind I MUST

speak for Amber yet to reveal my deepest feelings and pain in sort of way I feel gives the DRUNK a sick sense of power.

Yet if I don't speak he has power also. How does a parent sum up in 3 to 5 minutes what this has done to them and

their family. How do I get a cold and calloused system to realize my daughter was a huge lose to many, not just her family

and friends, but her community as well. How on Earth does a parent do that successfully? I know at some point I need to seek

counseling but for now all I have is you here and believe me it has been a survival line. I know I would be dealing or coping

way worse without all of you here. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you on a constant daily basis. My deepest condolences

to the new members here. While it's good you found the site to help you get through this all of us wish you never had the "need"

to come here . Feel free to email me it's on my page.

LOVE HUGS PRAYERS

Amber's Momma

Ambers Momma...I'm so sorry that you are being subjected to this added pain after losing your daughter. The laws need to be changed and they need to come down really heavy on drunk drivers. Zero tolerence. To have to deal with your grief and carry the added burden of a court case is beyond tolerable. Take care of yourself. I hope that the judge will see reason and you will feel as if Amber has had justice done. Take care.

Kate

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Amber's Momma, listen now, you are not crazy, but crazy with grief. there is a difference. The meds may not be doing what they used to because you are now in a deeper phase of ache and pain, a big layer of shock wore away and under it is the eroded spirit of a grieving Mom and the justice or lack of justice system is making it even worse. To say what the judge said in regards to if this happens again... I think that you should end your statement with the phrase that you hope that Amber was not a practice drill, to be given another chance means that another Mom might stand in another court with the same consequences of having lost a Child...Amber's life was not lost, it was taken by someone who made a choice. I made a choice to have a child, I had this child and named her Amber, like the golden essence of our lives, she grew into a charming and talented young lady...go on and tell what she did in her life, go on and tell what she hoped to do in the future, go on and tell how all of these were choices that you made, she made, and because this fool made this choice, all the good choices in your lives have been erased. And this guy might get his chance to do this again?

I am so sorry, others here have experience with the statement in court, our case never got that far...and even without getting that far, the justice system let us down.

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From all the pictures I've seen of Eri I get the feeling this song is one she would have liked.

Happy Birthday

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I haven't been on much lately...

But I wanted to drop in and send a birthday wish heavenward to Erica.

Dee: Wishing you peace, comfort, and strength on this day...

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Greg, I think she and Bob M. are singing it as we speak, thanks so much, it really is the epitome of Eri. And it is Brian's Birthday soon, the B from the junk yard must make you smile. Those Kids are very good at letting us know that they are present in our lives. That my Dears, is the gift beyond this world.

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ERICA...ERICA EILEEN REITH...ERI...ERZ....TINK...no matter the name, the love and remembering are the same...you are so special, and your dear mom has shared your specialness with all of us. I hope you have a wonderful, wonderful heavenly birthday, celebrating with all of our angels...singing joy-filled songs..."Don't worry, be happy..." (thanks, Greg) mantra of all.

Dee: sending love to you as you live again that most joyous of days in your life, the birth of your beautiful, Eri...a sound of music that will sing in your heart forever, until you meet again, and then it will be sung by the angels in celebration.

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ERICA - Bright and sunny yellow is how your mom

conveys your spirit to all of us here! May you have a

BRILLIANT birthday celebratiion today! Shine your light

on your mom and jonathan and john and let them know

that light will always shine.

Dee - thinking of you as this day brought Eri into your life! Shelly

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY ERICA

TOUCH MOM WITH THE WAMTH OF YOU SPIRIT

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JD's Mom, Becky

Happy Heavenly Birthday, ERICA !!!! :rolleyes: Dee, I hope you had some sweet memories of your girl, and all the birthdays that you did share together. Jared's is coming up on the 23rd, and I am trying to look at it that way. He LOVED Bob Marley, so I enjoyed that song that Greg posted too!!

Amber's Momma, you hang in there. I know first hand how hard it is to know someone that should be held accountable by law isn't because of whatever loopholes exists. I am so sorry. I feel your pain, I am living it everyday, and it's taking away any happy from my life. I don't feel like I can even begin to grieve my son properly because I am so completely consumed by the details of what should have happened and what hasn't happened as far as justice! It's horrible. Hugs to you, and my heart to you.

I haven't had chance to read all the posts I have missed, been sick for what seems like a week or more, inhaled dust, dirt, or whatever when I was cutting grass last week, and have felt terrible.

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Happy Birthday Erica!!! Sending love to your Mom...

Hello Friends,

Just stopping by to say hello. Well, it's certainly no coincidence that it is Erica's birthday. So glad I stopped by. I LOVE my new job, and I'm moving in 2 weeks...I have mixed emotions about that, which I'm sure you can understand, but I think it will be a positive thing. Sending hugs and love to all of you. Will try to catch up on everything tomorrow.

With love,

Pam

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THANKS EVERYONE for your very kind and caring words today. Eri's birthday is always a happy day for me, though bittersweet too, it remains one of the best days in my life, it brought HER to my life and I am ever celebratory on April 4th. That first year after she left, Eri's birthday was more difficult but still sweet. Eri loved her birthday and so even with her gone, I know she still loves her birthday.I loved shopping for each birthday, one year I bought her a new bikini adn she loved it which pleased me and surprised her. When I went to the cemetery today after teaching, I put some pink carnations in a holder with one white carnation, nothing fancy, just simply beautiful. I told ERz that I used to buy her so many items for her birthday and now I have but these simple flowers...somehow though, I get the sense from her that she has all she needs where she is and she is filled by it.

Thank you again and again, for the ways you made this an extra special day.

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A beautiful sunrise this morning, I walked under the many colors as it rose, blues, mauves, lavendar, violet, and salmon colors, all giving way to an Eastern view of deep pink. I love you ERi, thanks for shining on me/us.

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Dee: thank you for sharing that beautiful sunrise with all of us...I felt as though I was walking with you, seeing those beautiful colors and feeling the new day moving into my heart.

It was good to see you, Betty, Amy and Pam, Rhonda, Amber's momma, Sherry.

Sherry: I forgot to tell you earlier that I really enjoyed the story of the mouse in the owl that you found in the barn. The owl would no longer be in existence had it been me...it would have "flown" across the barn if a mouse jumped out at me!

Betty, are you seeing the spring changes to the New York atmosphere?

Betsy: How are you doing? Sarah?

I am so very sorry for those who are having such a difficult time right now, and want you all to know that we are with you. For those involved in legal entanglements, I can't imagine how stressful it must be working with a justice system that doesn't seem to want to bring about justice...along with the excrutiating pain of losing your child. To have to deal with this added pain must be so very, very hard. My heart to all of you. Also, this weekend coming up is another holiday that can bring back so many memories and make our hearts hurt even more than they already do. Please know that your angel is with you always; they are at peace, they are living on in a world that is joyous and beautiful, just on the other side of a very thin veil, always there, always with you, and you will one day be together again, forever.

Susan, Gretchen, Maddy, Kate, and all others here on BI...thinking of everyone, and as always, you are all always in my prayers.

I want to tell you all what is going on with Damon and his problem at school. Sarah had another meeting with the teacher and principal, and it seems that it was agreed that Damon has to try to work it out himself, but if he doesn't feel that it is going okay, then he is allowed to come to the teacher for help. He will be asked first what he has tried on his own, and then she will intervene. To me, this seemed a little iffy, but I didn't say anything about how I felt, I just asked how this would work. I wondered how Damon felt about this "plan," and when he was here this Saturday, we asked him how school was going and how things were going with the boy that he was having problems with. He seemed to be okay with the way things were left, and he said that the boy doesn't bother him as much any longer, so he is "happy at school again." Thank you all so much for your suggestions and support when I first brought this to the board. It is so very upsetting when your child or grandchild is not being treated right at school or anywhere, especially when it is interfering with their daily lives and making them unhappy and despondent. Damon is a very happy, sweet little boy, who was loving school, and I was so worried that this would change him and his outlook. We all know how easily that can happen, and it can be so very difficult to turn around again once it has entrenched itself into a child's life. He seems to be okay with it, he was very happy and animated when he was here, as usual, so that eased my worry. I am going to post a picture of Damon for those of you who have not seen a pic of him, just so you can identify with who I am talking about...this was taken outside our house, at the top of a little hill where he goes snowtubing...I caught this just as he had climbed back up to the top of the hill.

Hubby and I started at the gym yesterday. He did pretty well, though had to sit down early on to finish the stretching exercises. When we went to the machine room, he did the recumbent stair stepper, and he was okay with that, as his back was supported and he was able to slow down when he felt it necessary. He was very nervous about going in the first place, but I think he felt a little better about it after we left this first day. All of the people in the rooom with us were cancer survivors and knew what he is going through, so he wasn't in there with people who are at their fittest, physically or mentally, and he felt very welcomed as they all were very supportive of his being there. We do the pool tomorrow, and he has mixed feelings about that, but I think it will turn out okay as he does like being in a pool.

Well, young Mike's best friend Denis is coming over today for the "Opening Day" baseball game. (The Red Sox are not playing at home today; they are in Detroit, so our home opening game is not til next Friday...the 13th. We do have tickets, so we are anxiously looking forward to that.) Plus, I have some last-minute cleaning, shopping, etc., to do in preparation for Sunday. Cathi and Jamie will be here, and Davis will hopefully be getting off of work early enough to be here for dinner. Mike loved Easter, for the obvious reasons, of course, but also for the egg hunt we had, especially when we started using plastic eggs and put coins in with some of the jelly beans in some of the eggs. We usually had a dollar in a few of them also, to make it even more exciting. Or, should I say "Egg-citing." Sorry, couldn't help it! :)

I hope that you all are able to have a good weekend, and that the memories of those past will help you move through the hours of the day. Your angel is smiling on you, and hoping you will be smiling back at them. I pray you are able to do that.

post-269798-0-72115600-1333640929_thumb.

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HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY, ERICA EILEEN. SMILE DOWN ON MOM AND SEND HER PINK

CLOUDS TO WARM HER HEART & SOUL.

Dee----I'm sorry I missed ERi's birthday yesterday.........trouble with getting on the internet...(GRrrrr) :(

Such a lovely tribute you wrote to ERi, and the description of your walk, and all the colors in the sky.

ERi ALWAYS sends you pink !!

Carol----Had to chuckle when you said that the hollow garden owl would have 'flown' if Mr. Mouse

had jumped out at you. :D Glad to hear that Damon is doing better at school now, and the bully

problem has eased up. Good luck in the gym exercises. Yep---your egg hunts sounds like they

were so much fun, and the highlight for all the kids to find eggs with coins, candy etc.

HERE IS SOMETHING I RAN ACROSS.

As one gets older, losses in life becomes more common.

Loss of parents becomes almost inevitable. Loss of a

spouse, if one was married. Loss of friends and neighbors---

even pets.

But, if one does not have to count the death of a child, then

they will escape the sorrow that will last a lifetime.

Author unknown.

PEACE TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

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Carol, loved your picture of Damien. The look on his face is priceless! Wishing you good luck at the gym with your workout!

Sherry, thanks for sharing. I enjoyed reading it. How very true.

Susan...thinking of you and wishing you a good day.

Happy Easter to everyone. Wishing you a peaceful holiday!

Kate :)

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Sherry, love that piece you posted about a parent never having to know this kind of grief. Thanks.

Carol, that is a great photo of Damien, I sure am glad that school is good again for him. I hope though, that the adults are watchful to make sure he is not being taken advantage of. Hope Davis is able to join you and MR.AMERICA for Easter dinner. Wow, the gym for the two of you, so proud of the steps Mike is taking with his Beautiful Manager by his side. Opening Day, may it bring the sounds and sights and smells of years past, and may it especially bring your Angel to the park. PLAY BALL!

Maddy, was it you that posted ideas for others when the grief is making life so very hard, the tips about taking classes? You or Becky? I am the same way, by redirecting some of my energy to something I always was interested in or am newly interested in, I am found to be better able to live happily.

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Pam, so good to see you, thanks and how nice that we see you on Erica's birthday week. So you love your new job. How wonderful. Tell us about it. I know moving might be rough, but many here have done it so look to them for strength. Miss you.

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Amy, Shellyku, and Betty, and Polly, along with all others who wished Eri a Happy Birthday, thanks again. Just want to acknowledge those we don't see often, and tell you it was lovely to see you.

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HI Indigos

Carol Thanks for checking in . I am so glad to hear that Damon is more or less back on track. I love the picture of him playing in the snow. He looks very much like his Dad and is such a precious young man.

I admire you and Ralph's working out at he gym. You are both an inspiration. Thank you for sharing your love and strength with us

Dee and Sherry Thank you both for the poems and gentle thoughts that you recently shared . You both provide such wonderful hauntingly beautiful .poems and thoughts.

Trudie Love the picture Of my virtual dog Sir Mutley Hoep you are well

.

I am keeping a very low profile lately. I do visit my sister at the NJ shore 2 days a week and help as she recovers from knee replacement surgery. I am hooked on my Eagle and Red Hawk nest watching. Both nests have little ones and it is such a joy to watch each day. I miss Stephen every moment or every day. r I have learned to participate in life and have mixed feelings as I do. Recently I was attending a family event and the missing crept up so unexpectedly that it felt like I lost him yesterday. I think when I see intact families I still react on a deep level as to what I have lost It is still hard. Thanks to my indigo friends I know I am not alone and that helps

Betsy, Rhonda, Leah, Beth, Colleen, Lorri, Pam Karen, Lori, Diane, Kate, Amy and all Indigos have a Blessed Holiday Week.

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HI Indigos

Carol Thanks for checking in . I am so glad to hear that Damon is more or less back on track. I love the picture of him playing in the snow. He looks very much like his Dad and is such a precious young man.

I admire you and Ralph's working out at he gym. You are both an inspiration. Thank you for sharing your love and strength with us

Dee and Sherry Thank you both for the poems and gentle thoughts that you recently shared . You both provide such wonderful hauntingly beautiful .poems and thoughts.

.

I am keeping a very low profile lately. I do visit my sister at the NJ shore 2 days a week and help as she recovers from knee replacement surgery. I am hooked on my Eagle and Red Hawk nest watching. Both nests have little ones and it is such a joy to watch each day. I miss Stephen every moment or every day. r I have learned to participate in life and have mixed feelings as I do. Recently I was attending a family event and the missing crept up so unexpectedly that it felt like I lost him yesterday. I think when I see intact families I still react on a deep level as to what I have lost It is still hard. Thanks to my indigo friends I know I am not alone and that helps

Betsy, Rhonda, Leah, Beth, Colleen, Lorri, Pam Karen, Lori, Diane, Kate, Amy and all Indigos have a Blessed Holiday Week.

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Betty, so good to see that smile on Stephen when you write. I hope that keeping a low profile is something that is helping you through this time. Glad that there are birds to view and watch, have you seen the blue heron cam?

I am thinking of you and sending you love.

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Amen to that Dee...Stephen does indeed have an awesome smile. Betty, thanks for your good wishes for this holiday. And the same to you! And to all that are new on this site and having a difficult time. I can only say please take heart...you are not alone. Thinking of all of you as you go through this difficult time. (HUGS)

Kate

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It has been a hard day and a hard week. My grandaughters 3 and 5 are really missing thier mama.. Especially the 5 year old. She had a very hard day today missing Sarah. They were so close. They are getting help from a grief support group and seeing a counselor, but of course it has only been a few weeks. It is just so heartbreaking to see them hurt so. Getting ready for Easter is hard too, but I want to make things as close to normal as we can. We will color Easter Eggs tomorrow and plan dinner. I miss her so very much and she loved Easter. She is in Heaven this Easter and I know she is experiencing and seeing such wonderful things, but I am selfish and wish she were here with us. I still do not believe that this well ever get better and less painful even though people keep telling me it will.

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Sarah's Momma...I know how very difficult this time is for you . It is after all only just a few short weeks since your precious Sarah passed away. The first year or two are the most difficult. There are so many stages to grief. Every person on this site has had to go at their own pace. Each one of us is different in how we have come to arrive at this place. Our common thread is the understanding of the loss of our precious children and how it impacts our life after. We are here to help and support each other.

I am glad that your grandchildren are getting the support that they need. I hope that you are looking after yourself as best as you are able. Please know that you are not alone and that we are here to help you through this. In time this pain will soften. But for now you need to just try to take each day as best as you can. The first series of special occasions are the harshest. You are not at all selfish in wanting her to be back with you. I feel the same way about my son. That is perfectly normal. I will be thinking of you and take care. Talk to you soon. ( HUGS)

Kate

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Havent been lookin forward to this day..Lily..i luv and miss u more than words can express..at first i wanted to do somethin special for her..now i just kinda want everyone to disappear..but today is not about me..its all about rememberin and honorin my little princess..even one year later it seems like i was jus holdin u in my arms yesterday..let your light shine the brightest today babygirl..i love you

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tobyfreefoot

Havent been lookin forward to this day..Lily..i luv and miss u more than words can express..at first i wanted to do somethin special for her..now i just kinda want everyone to disappear..but today is not about me..its all about rememberin and honorin my little princess..even one year later it seems like i was jus holdin u in my arms yesterday..let your light shine the brightest today babygirl..i love you

i have not come to the one year mark but i am dreading it. today is the birthday of one of my other children. it has been hard this first year for each of us to celebrate without forest. my birthday was 19 days after he died, my other children tried to make it happy for me. anyway i'm worried about hitting all those dates for the second time because it will bring home the fact it is not just those first times but forever. i am so sorry you are entering this new phase. i do hope it will be an easier year for you than the first one but i am apprehensive myself. i hope your sweet daughter will lean down today and brush your heart with angel wings.

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LILY - On your Angelversary, flutter past your

Mommy and let her feel your precious sweet spirit!

Lilysmommy - thinking of you today!

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