Loss of an Adult Child

[summergirl]

Susannah - I "DITTO" that....lol

Had a rough morning....woke up thinking of my Jessica and then her best friend Ashley came over to pick up Damien and she said she had a dream about me, her and Jessica last night but could not remember what it was about and it was making her crazy....I looked at her and said "I just cannot wrap my mind around the fact that it will be 6 years since I hugged my Jessica, since I heard her voice, so many things, so much I want. It is just not real, how could it possibly be 6 YEARS....I don't want it to be true, it hurts sooooooooo very much

On the other side Tavian and Pop-Pop had a wonderful day together putting up the Christmas decorations outside....Tavian is very much into Christmas this year, more so then I have ever seen him.....Tomorrow they are going to get our tree....it has become sort of a tradition for the 2 of them to go as I always end up crying when we get there and Tavian gets upset so now I stay home and let them do it....it is good for the 2 of them and less painful for me....

Much love and peace to all, Kathy

[ericasmom]

I Hell Ya that!

Kathy, six years is a long time and the sound of it is paralyzing at times, which is what each year is but when they get up there, it just knocks the wind from you. I know. Sorry. Good that Tav and Pop will get the tree together, nice tradition for them both and for you.

Carol, a long road but one with hope. You are a gem My Dear because you can say that in the face of so much and mean it. Ralph picked a good one, I know he knows that . Blessings to you both as you approach this next step in strong shape. Much to be grateful for.

Kate, I agree with Sherry, the setting and the way that you honored your Boy sounds absolutely beautiful, very sadly beautiful.

John and I just returned from a family day with his siblings and parents-December birthdays. There are so many birthdays in December in his family and several in mine. Many homes are decorated and lit up and while they are pretty, I feel it is too early for me to see lights. I never decorated until the week before Christmas and took it all down before NYEve. I guess it just doesn't feel right to me if it becomes everyday with the decorations, it needs a narrow window of time for me to see it as special. I know, I sound like the Grinch, but it just is the way I have always been and of course since Eri died and no little ones here, we only put up a tree once in 8 years. I doubt we will again. It pained me too much to wrap the ornaments and put them away again.

[Cheeto]

I originally posted this in the Loss of a Child thread but I was told this was a more active thread, so I will repost. My apologies, as I am still very much new to this and have no idea how to work through it all.

Hello everyone. I am a grieving single father who lost his only child. On October 21, 2011, my 6 year old daughter Amelia and 2 of her friends were crossing the street in a crosswalk to go home from the park by where they live with their teenaged sisters (half-sister in Amelia's case) when they were hit by a 78 year old woman in a car. Of the 3 girls, one was discharged 2 days after the accident and the other girl is still in the hospital. Unfortunately, Amelia succumbed to her injuries and passed away 3 days later at 1:48 P.M. on October 24, 2011. In the 40 days since she has passed away, I have been having a very hard time with it all in so many ways. I don't think it has completely hit me yet, and much of this seems so very surreal. I haven't shown a whole lot of emotion since her funeral and even then, I didn't have the sort of emotional breakdown that I expected to have. The last time I had a really good cry was the day she passed away and I can't help but wonder if there might be something wrong with me. I miss her so much and would give almost anything just to get one more hug from her or to hear her tell me she loves me one more time. The last time I had seen her was in September (I live in California, her mom in Las Vegas and we were never married) and the last time I had talked to her on the phone was about 2 hours before the accident. I feel so much guilt for not being there when it happened and I don't know that I will ever not feel guilty for not being able to do something to protect or save her. I never thought I would ever live through something like this, and now that it's happening, I don't know what to do with myself. I'm so lost without her and I feel so helpless. Amelia was my saving grace and I don't know how to go on without her. She was my little princess and I feel like I have no purpose in life anymore. I guess I need someone to talk to that understands what I feel, because as tragic as this has been for me and my family, I feel like they can't understand the pain I feel even though they share a lot of that same pain. Am I completely losing it? Am I selfish? Please help me because I don't know where else to turn and I know a therapist surely can't help me.

[Asdasiae]

Hi. I am new here and it was mentioned to write here about my daughter. Her name is Paris Rose and she died when she was only 6 months old back in 2003. I have only just started to mention her name during this past year. I am so devastated by her death. I have lost family in the past but nothing compares to the pain from loosing her. What makes it even harder to have closure with her is that the drs wouldn't give me her body to bury. I had to have a mock funeral for my own daughter. From which I was given a beaded angel to represent her in heaven. I have lost all but my son to death as far as family goes. Quite often I am so lonely I could cry. I love and cherish my son. His sister's death has left me broken. I feel half alive. Any advice to cope would be a blessing. Thank you.

[mikesmomrs]

Amelia's dad: I am so very sorry for the loss of your sweet Amelia. We here all understand your pain, and will be here to comfort you, to listen to you, to try to help you to understand what you are going through. You are not "losing it" and you are not "selfish." Your pain is your own, and you will grieve in your own way. We have all been at the point that you are at...so new and so raw and so very, very painful to even breathe sometimes. It doesn't matter how our child died, we all still feel a sense of guilt that we couldn't have prevented it, couldn't have been there to change how things turned out. I can only tell you that over time, and the "time" is different for everyone, you will find yourself able to breathe a little easier, and the memories that you hold in your heart of your relationship with Amelia will comfort you more than they will sting, as they are doing now. Our memories are bittersweet, but we are so very glad that we have them. We have people here who have lost their child only recently (like yourself) and some who have lost their child as much as 8 1/2 years ago, so you will have someone to listen and understand as you go though this grief. I think it was Dee who once said that we have made the footsteps for others to follow in, to help them find their way through this hard, hard time of their life. You can come here and talk about your beautiful daughter, or talk about your feelings, or how you can't cry right now, or how you can't stop crying right now...we are all different, and yet all so much the same...we here have all lost a huge piece of our heart and we need to learn how to live our life without that ever healing completely.

I lost my son, Mike, at the age of 31, on October 14, 2006, after he battled brain cancer for 17 months. He did leave behind three small boys, who are now 15, 14 and almost 7, and they indeed have helped to make this journey for us a little softer. Mike told me, months before he died, "Mom you can't die because I do" and I have tried to live up to that request. We need to stand where they can't (another statement of wisdom from Dee), carrying on our lives in honor of theirs. We need to hear their name, and celebrate their life, remember them as a person who lived and not just a person who died. We come to this realization over time, and as I said, that time is different for everyone.

You said that you think your family can't seem to understand your pain even though they share a lot of the same pain...your pain is different because YOU are different...YOU are her daddy, and that pain is unique to you. Yes, they miss her and loved her, but the love of a parent is different and so is the pain.

I am sad to welcome you to this site, but very glad that you have found us, because you have found comfort and understanding and a listening ear whenever you need one. Please share more of Amelia with us, when you can, and let us walk with you through your grief. Holding you close in my heart and my prayers.

[mikesmomrs]

Mandi's mom: I saw your post after I had finished my post to Amelia's dad. I am so very sorry for your losses, and am glad that you have found BI...we are now called grieving.com, but used to be called Beyond Indigo. I believe the name was changed so that more people who need us can find the support offered here, but we all still refer to ourselves as "indigos."

I am so sorry that you were not allowed to have your precious Paris Rose for her services, as I am sure that added much to your grief. Even though it has been a while since you lost your baby girl, it still lives with you, every day. We each have our own timeline for the changes that happen to us as a result of our loss; none of us are the same. We hope we can help you on this journey through your grief, and we do offer comfort and understanding to you. I hope that you will come back and tell us about your baby girl; we all here love to hear about each other's angel.

sending love and prayers to you.

[ericasmom]

Hello and welcome to our 'OTHER' home, the place where everyone gets it. Amelia's Daddy, Paris' Mommy, such hard times in your hearts and souls, we feel defeated in so many ways when we lose our Child. We don't know which way to turn, how to get along, if we should go along, and there are many times that we would prefer to just duck into some dark cave and live as a recluse in order to escape the world. There is no escape however and as one who has been on this road for 8.5 years, I can tell you that the only way through grief to the side where light shines again, is through it. Allowing it. It is the hardest thing to endure, we know, but we are still here for a reason, and I do believe that your Sweet Children are cheering you on to find the sunlight again, to hear the birds sing, to find a life that allows you the sweetness once again. It takes time, there is nothing wrong with you Amelia's Dad, it takes time. Some folks don't cry for a long time and then they do cry for a long time. SOme folks don't cry much and that is that, but the ache inside is just as cutting as it is for those that cry. As Carol said, it is important to have a place where not only you speak your Child's name, but we also speak her name. Who the heck could live in a world where suddenly our Child's name and memory could not be spoken in each day? I could not. Erica has been gone since July 14, 2003, and I speak of her (and speak with her), daily. Eri and I spoke on the phone about 30 or so minutes prior to her car being struck by an Amtrak at a broken crossing. She lived for 6 days though never awake, and we had to make that awful decision to remove the life support...though knowing My Girl, it was what I knew she would demand. ERi would have died in a matter of a few more days even on the machines, but it was time to release her to the heavens.

Please do tell us about your Dearhearts, let us know all you are comfortable with and don't worry one bit about our names. They will eventually come to you as you read our posts. Remember that there is no wrong way to grieve, except if you harm yourself, nobody wants that for anyone, but aside from that, you will grieve as you do, finding things about yourself as you go along. I did go to therapy as well as join this place at around the 6 month mark of time. I suggest therapy as well as being here as one on one can also be quite powerful. If you do, call around to therapists in the area and ask if they have dealt with grief counseling.

Carol, thanks for your kind words.

The wind has decided to howl itself into place and seems it will stay into tomorrow. Old man/woman winter is battling with autumn to take over.

[rlolheiser]

just a quick note here.. computer is being tempermental again.

Carol, I hope the news remains good for Ralph.. I pray you both the strength to go through the treatments and may he have a speedy recovery.. your always in my thoughts.

Susanah, I am glad Amanda is doing well.. what a remarkable young lady.. thinking of you always.

To our new members of this family, I sadly welcome you, but this is such a great place to share your sadness and your joys. It may not seem there will ever be any joy.. but you take little baby steps and go on for the sakes of your angels, for the sake of yourselves.. and for the sakes of others around you because you are a needed person, somebody needs you even if you don't realize it.

Sherry, Kate, Susan, Rhonda, Trudi, Dee, Kathy, Lorri, Coleen, Shelly, Greg, Dan, Bonnie, Betsy, Betty, Shelly, each and everyone I didn't name.. your all in my heart..

[Guest msnher]

Amelia's daddy - I am so sorry for the loss of your precious six year old little girl! What a tragedy, indeed! Losing a child warps us into a new deminsion of existence. We live in a new reality, now. It takes time, a long time, but we do find our footing eventually. In the mean time it feels quite insane. You have come to the right place to travel this new path with people who understand. If you are up to it, we would love to know more about your beautiful daughter. Perhaps post some pictures? Tell us about her....over and over again. We never grow tired of hearing of our angels. I'm glad you found us.

Paris mommy - Your story is further proof that there is no time limit on grief. It makes me so sad. I'm sorry for the loss of your little Paris Rose! I'm glad you found us. Please feel free to jump right in and tell us all you can and want to about your baby...about your life, about what ever you want. By the way, I love her name AND I love your avatar! May I steal it?

Amelia's daddy and Paris mommy my name is Susannah. My 28yr old daughter, Stephanie, was killed in an ATV accident on 8-9-09. She left behind three young children whom my husband and I are raising. We got them four seven months before Stephanie died. They were stolen from us a year earlier and suffered terrible abuse. We were still in the middle of civil and criminal court trials when Stephanie was killed. In the end, the judge would put the woman that hurt them in prison and allow my husband and I to adopt them. To say it was a difficult few years is an understatement. I found this site a few months into the death of my daughter. I was a train wreck! The shock was wearing off my daughter's death and I was still fighting for my grandchildren, worried for their safety. I couldn't eat and I couldn't sleep and all I did was cry. This lite saved my life! I typed and typed and typed. I told everyone all about my grandchildren, about my daughter, about the trials. I yelled, I cried, I reasoned....I thought I found answers only to find out those answers sounded like happy b.s. the next day. I am at a place of peace (today - we never know how long it will stay). Please stay and talk to us. There is hope for a better tomorrow. It will never be like it was before the death of your child. It will always be different. You're in a different diminsion now, there is no going back....but, we learn to live in this new diminsion in harmony with those in their own reality. In time, we will even welcome the sun and feel joy again - at different levels. In many ways it will be more profound than before because we appreciate the little things more appropriately. We learn how to live again knowing that our child is with us.

Indigo's, Last night I dreamed of Stephanie. She said, "Oh, good, you can see me now! Finally! It's been quite frustrating trying to get your attention. Geeze, I've done everything short of hitting you in the head with an orange." I haven't "seen" her and don't claim this was a real visit, but I woke feeling not only better, but giddy. Much the same way I feel when a family member that I haven't seen in a while is coming for a visit.

Well, I have kids and animals wanting food....I suppose I should feed them. They are funny that way. They think they should be fed and watered often, yet when I tell them to take a bath or brush their teeth they remind me that they just did that the day before. LOL

[Guest msnher]

Again, I must learn to proof read BEFORE I hit post. No time to fix my typo's. That is what happens when I try to type with children talking to me at the same time. Hope you all can figure it out.

[Jeff's Mom]

Susannah...no worries about typos...Look at me? I donn't even use punctuation! Sorry all teachers out there! I can barely see the print and am glad to be able to type.

I just want to say "HELLO" to all the new people that are now on this site. I too welcome you and am so sorry for your loss. I hope you will feel comfortable in coming here and you will truly find a place where we are all willing to listen and understand.

I lost my youngest son on December 12th, 2009. He died unexpectedly and it was a tremendous shock that we are only now starting to be able to work through. The veil is beginning to lift if only slightly. As I have mentioned to some others in the past. Life changes...we are never the same again...yet we slowly begin to pick up the pieces and move forward at our own pace. There is no set time frame to grieving. No master plan or set of rules. One day at a time is all you can expect of yourself. It will improve with time and so you need to keep active, look after your own health, and allow yourself the time you need to work through your pain. It takes time. Please open up and tell us about your children... and know that regardless of the circumstances surrounding their death... we are never here to judge. We are the loving parents of those that are now gone. And we do understand.

Kate

[hismomma]

This can't be happening to me, it's just not real. I can't live without him, I will not believe he gone. When ever I try to recall what happened, I get this feeling in my body,, The pain is to intense I have to push down down down.... I know in my heart that if I believe he is gone I will die of a broken heart.. So like so many things in my life it's just a bad dream, my son is kidnapped, someone is keeping him from me.. I just want him to come home now. I wish it could have been me? I would do anything to trade places with him...

Scott went missing October 2, 2010 The info I was given about his so called death was. He died in a dark room all alone, torture by day and night.

If I could say something to him I would say, you are my sunshine my only sun shine, you make me happy when sky's are gray, you will never know dear how much I love you please dont take my sunshine away......

When I went to the funeral home to see Scott. the fueral guy said oh you want to see him, well I will have to put him back together. I almost fell to my knee's. When came around the corner to see him, it did not even look like him...Then I swear I saw him breathing, I made a feball attempt to give him CPR, I wanted him to take my breath and live on..his mouth was wired shut, i tried to pull it apart so he could talk to me... As I felt his head I could feel the stitches holding his head together. I tried to get him warm with my body. NOTHING I dont remember the rest, my husband told me I tried to get on the bed with him, I was singing to him,kissing him.

like I said before this was just a bad dream right? RIGHT RIGHT!!!

IF YOU SEE MY SON SCOTT PLEASE PLEASE TELL HIM, HIS MOMMA WONT GO ON WITHOUT HIM. AND HIS SON NEEDS HIM...

THANKS FOR LISTENING ANDREA.

[mikesmum]

Andrea ~ I so wish I could find Scott for you, bring him home, healed and healthy. I wish I had something to say that would ease the horror that grabbed you that last visit with him.

I keep thinking over and over how the body is the vessel in which the light and spirit is carried through life...it is nothing more. Its how I got through seeing Mike's lifeless body that day....how I explained to my children and grandchildren that 'our Mike' had gone, and is light now part of the stars.

I remember too how seeing him I just wanted him to open his eyes, say one thing more, take one more breath...

I can only hope that through the darkness you maybe able to talk about Scott, the Scott that you know in your heart, the boy that fills your life with memories.

I also hope that you are able to speak to someone, here or closeby of your fears, your deep distress....its something that may give you a little space between breaths on this journey.

Peace be with you....Trudi

[hismomma]

Andrea ~ I so wish I could find Scott for you, bring him home, healed and healthy. I wish I had something to say that would ease the horror that grabbed you that last visit with him.

I keep thinking over and over how the body is the vessel in which the light and spirit is carried through life...it is nothing more. Its how I got through seeing Mike's lifeless body that day....how I explained to my children and grandchildren that 'our Mike' had gone, and is light now part of the stars.

I remember too how seeing him I just wanted him to open his eyes, say one thing more, take one more breath...

I can only hope that through the darkness you maybe able to talk about Scott, the Scott that you know in your heart, the boy that fills your life with memories.

I also hope that you are able to speak to someone, here or closeby of your fears, your deep distress....its something that may give you a little space between breaths on this journey.

Peace be with you....Trudi

Thanks for your warm thoughts,But In my none protected,life at a young age , I lost my faith .and Trying to find it now, after what has happened has been a challenge. Im still trying hard.

Andrea

[ericasmom]

Andrea, your Son's tragic ending is so heart wrenching, I wish it wasn't so. Finding faith is something that may come with time, but finding your footing in this day is more important to your health. Each day or each hour that you find a semblance of your life is a way to find your way back to faith. Several of us here also suffered at the hands of evil growing up, that unprotected life you speak of...I get that alright. I was lucky that something inside me kept believing that the world was more good than bad and that one day I would be old enough to move away and lead a new life. And while it did not work out as it does in movies and books, in the long run, I found my joy in my Children and in my life along with the ups and downs of a life, I found how to let go of the abusers in my life, I gained strength from that action. When we lost Eri...well my faith remained because I do believe she is flying about and there are times I feel her very near. She showed us her travels to heaven on her last day...there were many messages and still are so I am a believer but each of us respect each others belief system here.

I wish you an hour of peaceful thoughts, and may those build into another hour tomorrow. I do fully understand that believing he is gone means you will die of a broken heart, but we remain for the work still here for us to do.

[sadmomm]

hey indigos this person i sleep with said this was not good... for me to be on this forum... i told him it was. no none of us should be here. but circumstances are that we are. and we need eachother. yes it is sad. but no one knows this sadness but a mom. i could have helped my child. and i let him down. so i am haunted with his death every night. mom said she wants me on my medicine... she doesn't want me to drink. well drinking kind of numbs this and the choice to move away from my child... no i am not an alcholholic... but i screwed up and lost my child. it is a hard world out there and that age bracket around 24 is particularily hard. i have lost my other child to this man. now she like him thinks everything is my fault. i tried real hard to make this move work out good. little did i know this man only wants fun in the sack. not with my children. and me with bipolar struggled. with happiness... never thought i would loose my child. ...will look for a job this week. need to be around my other child who loves me. i am sorry you are here. and your beautiful children ... wow they were something. my child was brilliant he told me about this material b ****. i think they rebel against it and they have a right to because how long do we know we have. we don't... how do we know our entire happiness will be shattered. my ex said that our happiness is determined by our most unhappy child. kind of made sense. why didn't i help my child...... why did i want him to do it on his own. like mom said... what do moms know. listen to your child. ..... i want to feel the pain of loosing my child. i don't want to be numb and medicated. how would i ever get the feeling again of me and even having my child if i am in a numb not the real me state just so others don't have to hear my wimpering... see my stress... should have helped me see more about life and my child before this happened and now you don't want to see me without my child... i will go somewhere else.. when god or me or life lifts this pain of loosing my child... it will happen.. yes i am not good. .... i will sleep when i am tired.... the other night i woke up with a dream of morgan as a child ..yes it woke me up but would i remember it if i hadn't woken up. yes it is tiring. this has been going on for a year and a half. ... thanks for listening. carrie

[summergirl]

I have to make this quick because I keep losing my internet connection and it is making me CRAZY Just want to welcome the "new" ones here and let you know that you have found the place where you will be heard, there are many here who understand and we would love to here more about your beautiful children, Amelia and Paris Rose...Bless you both.

Andrea....if I could bring Scott back to you I would, I would bring all our Angels home so this pain would go away...holding you tight, sending you hugs and praying.....Kathy

[ericasmom]

Sleep well Everyone, it is time for some rest, for some recharging so good night All.

[ericasmom]

Carrie, going to bed but want you to know that you are being thought of, prayed for and hoped for. I do know that you can't seem to forgive yourself right now, but Morgan has, do you know that Morgan has forgiven any issues that may have been between you. He loves you as he always has. That part did not change, nor will it.

[Guest msnher]

Carrie, I'm glad you're here. I hope you and the person you sleep with find some harmony.

Andrea - A soft, sweet lulliby keeps playing through my thoughts for you. "Through a still, small voice the spirit speaks to me...to guide me, to help me, and whisper I am here. Listen. Listen...." It is a song I learned as a child when I was in foster homes and was taken to their children's church service. I don't know why it's running through my head right now, but I wanted to share it with you. Five days, my new friend, may as well be five minutes ago. For you to be here so early in this horrible new journey life has thrown you shows great strength, even though you feel anything but strong right now. If I were there I would let you lay your head on my lap and I would stroke your hair while you cry. I've been at this for more than two years and I'm doing pretty well on most days, but even today I found myself telling God to "bring her back right now." I haven't uttered those words in quite a while. I used to demand it continuously. There is no easy way to lose a child, Andrea. No matter how they were stolen from us we feel completely robbed. However, when there is brutality involved, it magnifies the horror. The only comfort I can gleen from situations like that is that they are no longer suffering NOW. I absolutely believe our children live on. I also believe our children make every attempt to reach us. It is so soon for you, but watch....your son will reveal himself to you. Hugs to you, sweet mother of Scott. Hang on...hang on.

Well.....I'm almost done with the bathroom. It is prettier than I anticipated. I can see myself taking long, hot baths by candle light, listening to Kenny G and/or Paul Potts. Five years. It's only taken five years to begin and finish this project. The master bath may be the only completed room in the house. Gary and I decided this will be our anniversary present to each other....only because it makes for a good excuse.

"I'm so glad you guys dopted me." Jasmine said that to us today. Very sweet. When her mommy was just four years old, my second husband adopted my four children) their biological father wasn't a good man. We spoke to the children about it. Stephanie said she didn't want to be adopted and nothing we said could sway her. Finally I just asked her why she didn't want to be adopted...her reply was, "I don't want to be dopted because I've never been dopted before and I don't know what it's like." I could see her and hear her in her daughter today. Bittersweet.

Goodnight my dear, dear friends. I love and care about you all more than you know! We had a mother whose two year old was murdered by his grandmother not long ago. I'm sorry your name has left my brain at the moment. I think of you often and pray for your family.

Much love,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[julianam]

I'm new here - I hope I am posting in the right place. I lost my 19 year old son on November 18, 2011 and my mom on November 19, 2011. My son Andrel died as a result of a horrific car accident, my mother died of a broken heart the next day. I don't know how I am going to go on. It seems like this is just a really bad nightmare and I am going to wake up any minute and everything will be okay. Why, I need answers he was too young -he had so much more to do. My heart is broken I lost my son and my best friend. I can't imagine living without them. How do people go forward after situations like this? i need your help

[mikesmum]

I'm new here - I hope I am posting in the right place. I lost my 19 year old son on November 18, 2011 and my mom on November 19, 2011. My son Andrel died as a result of a horrific car accident, my mother died of a broken heart the next day. I don't know how I am going to go on. It seems like this is just a really bad nightmare and I am going to wake up any minute and everything will be okay. Why, I need answers he was too young -he had so much more to do. My heart is broken I lost my son and my best friend. I can't imagine living without them. How do people go forward after situations like this? i need your help

Juliana ~ To say 'welcome' seems insignifant in the the face of the loss you have experienced in those two days. Losing a child is difficult but I think losing your grandchild is a pain that breaks the heart beyond repair. I am so sorry you are facing this double loss and wish I had the answers you seek that might ease your pain. This is a nightmare no doubt. There is a split second on waking where ever so briefly it feels like waking from a bad dream and the world hasn't changed...but without warning the reality hits and we find ourselves here...

I lost Micheal almost 5yrs ago. Those questions the thoughts ~ "he had so much more to do" are so familiar.

You ask how do people go forward after a situation like this. Some very special people right here gave me some very sound advice when I first joined this club that one one wanted to join........Take it one breath, one heartbeat at a time. Let the tears flow, let the stories be told of your son, the boy you knew. Be kind to yourself...drink plenty of fluids, eat if you can even if its a little...rest when you can...exhaustion befalls us all.

Come here when you can, share your feelings...here is where you might find a soft place to land when all else seems insurmountable.

Again, I am sorry for the loss of your boy, your best friend. Trudi (Micheal Shane's Mum)

[hoosiermom]

Hello Indigos

I want to give a sad welcome to all the new parents here. Some of you are so new to your jouney and I am sorry for your losses. My daughter Brianna died on July 5, 2009 at the age of 15. She was my special child, she was born with spina bifida and had chronic health problems her whole life, but she was perfect and beautiful to me. I miss her every day.

Indigos, I have something I just need to talk about here, because I know that you as parents who have lost a child will understand my anxiety. My oldest daughter is 23 and moved out on her own back in the summer (with some nudging from me) She's young and likes to party with her friends, but in many ways I feel her partying is out of control. She will drink to oblivion, she has blacked out and not remembered things. I'm no expert on addiction/alcoholism, but I can see that she is going down a bad path. Her partying ways were a problem when she was living at home with me, she wanted to come home at all hours of the night and drag her friends in, I just couldn't take it anymore. I told her, you are grown and can live your life however you choose, but you can't live it here.

This past weekend, she was out drinking with an ex-boyfriend and they went back to her apartment. He was fixing something on the stove and "forgot" about it. They were awakened by the police and fire department, her apartment was filled with smoke and a neighbor had called 911. They never heard the smoke alarm going off. When the police/fire first arrived, they were unresponsive and emergency workers thought they were dead

This is not the first close call she's had....this is like the third....she fell asleep at the wheel and drove off the highway once, and last New Year's Eve she put her hand through a pane of glass and required 13 stitches in her wrist.

I just don't understand why she is being so reckless with her life. I feel so helpless and I don't know how to make her understand that. I have already buried one child and her dad/stepmom buried a child also, I don't know why she doesn't get it!!

Also, it's been a very bad week here....last week, a well known local businessman, his two college aged daughters and their friend were all killed in a plane crash. DEE you may have heard about it as the crash occured near Chicago in Crystal Lake, IL. He was taking one of the girls back to school at Wheaton College. He leaves behind his wife and 13 year old son, how do you deal with losing over half your family like that? Another local orthodontist and his wife lost their 21 year old son just a couple days later, the boy had a seizure in the shower and drowned. All of it has left me feeling sad and angry....young people should NEVER die like this, I can find no reason or sense in any of it.

I work two jobs, two weekends a month I work at a local convenience store. Saturday morning when I went in, there was a book on the counter and my co-worker asked if it was mine. I looked at it, the title was "A Broken Heart Still Beats: After Your Child Dies". There was a Compassionate Friends book mark in it. I said no, it's not mine but if nobody claims it, I'd like to read it! Then, a little girl came in the store wearing purple from head to toe, which made me smile because purple was my Brianna's color. Finally, a young lady came in wanting to buy cigarettes, and since she looked so young I carded her....her birthday was 9/22/1993 same exact day and year as my girl's. A few nudges from my baby girl? The next day, I was at the grocery and ran into a couple friends, and one of them asked me "How is Brianna doing?" Now, this friend knows very well that Bri is gone and she looked horrified the minute it came out of her mouth, she was like omg I am so sorry, I can't believe I did that. I told her, it's okay, please don't feel bad, I love hearing her name

To all: I wish I had the time/memory to reply to each of you, but please know that you and your angels are always in my thoughts.

Jenn

[Guest msnher]

Jenn - I'm so sorry you're walking through the effects of someone else's drinking. Alanon can be a lifesaver for those who love an alcoholic. Such a wonderful experience of Jenn revealing herself to you at work. Did the owner of the book ever show up or perhaps the book was meant for you in the first place? I can't imagine losing so many family members at one time. Prayers for them.

Andrel's mom - I'm so sorry for the loss of your son and then your mother! I'm glad you found this site. It literally saved my life. I don't know that we move forward....ever. I think we humans are so goal and task oriented that we're always moving towards something. I think losing a child forces us to stay in the moment. We live/survive by taking it one small step at a time. While the rest of the world is busy doing and doing and doing.....we are busy just trying to breath (or not to, as the case may be). Don't try to do too much right now. Be gentle with yourself. Realize that even brushing your teeth every morning is a huge accomplishment. We no longer function by the old rules. You will find your footing. Stay close to us and we will hold your hand while you do.

Gosh...I totally lost my train of thought. It's like someone hit delete in my brain. It's supposed to get up to 13F today. Gary said it warmed up to 0 now. Brrrrrr

[Jeff's Mom]

Hello Indigos

I want to give a sad welcome to all the new parents here. Some of you are so new to your jouney and I am sorry for your losses. My daughter Brianna died on July 5, 2009 at the age of 15. She was my special child, she was born with spina bifida and had chronic health problems her whole life, but she was perfect and beautiful to me. I miss her every day.

Indigos, I have something I just need to talk about here, because I know that you as parents who have lost a child will understand my anxiety. My oldest daughter is 23 and moved out on her own back in the summer (with some nudging from me) She's young and likes to party with her friends, but in many ways I feel her partying is out of control. She will drink to oblivion, she has blacked out and not remembered things. I'm no expert on addiction/alcoholism, but I can see that she is going down a bad path. Her partying ways were a problem when she was living at home with me, she wanted to come home at all hours of the night and drag her friends in, I just couldn't take it anymore. I told her, you are grown and can live your life however you choose, but you can't live it here.

This past weekend, she was out drinking with an ex-boyfriend and they went back to her apartment. He was fixing something on the stove and "forgot" about it. They were awakened by the police and fire department, her apartment was filled with smoke and a neighbor had called 911. They never heard the smoke alarm going off. When the police/fire first arrived, they were unresponsive and emergency workers thought they were dead

This is not the first close call she's had....this is like the third....she fell asleep at the wheel and drove off the highway once, and last New Year's Eve she put her hand through a pane of glass and required 13 stitches in her wrist.

I just don't understand why she is being so reckless with her life. I feel so helpless and I don't know how to make her understand that. I have already buried one child and her dad/stepmom buried a child also, I don't know why she doesn't get it!!

Also, it's been a very bad week here....last week, a well known local businessman, his two college aged daughters and their friend were all killed in a plane crash. DEE you may have heard about it as the crash occured near Chicago in Crystal Lake, IL. He was taking one of the girls back to school at Wheaton College. He leaves behind his wife and 13 year old son, how do you deal with losing over half your family like that? Another local orthodontist and his wife lost their 21 year old son just a couple days later, the boy had a seizure in the shower and drowned. All of it has left me feeling sad and angry....young people should NEVER die like this, I can find no reason or sense in any of it.

I work two jobs, two weekends a month I work at a local convenience store. Saturday morning when I went in, there was a book on the counter and my co-worker asked if it was mine. I looked at it, the title was "A Broken Heart Still Beats: After Your Child Dies". There was a Compassionate Friends book mark in it. I said no, it's not mine but if nobody claims it, I'd like to read it! Then, a little girl came in the store wearing purple from head to toe, which made me smile because purple was my Brianna's color. Finally, a young lady came in wanting to buy cigarettes, and since she looked so young I carded her....her birthday was 9/22/1993 same exact day and year as my girl's. A few nudges from my baby girl? The next day, I was at the grocery and ran into a couple friends, and one of them asked me "How is Brianna doing?" Now, this friend knows very well that Bri is gone and she looked horrified the minute it came out of her mouth, she was like omg I am so sorry, I can't believe I did that. I told her, it's okay, please don't feel bad, I love hearing her name

To all: I wish I had the time/memory to reply to each of you, but please know that you and your angels are always in my thoughts.

Jenn

Jenn, I was so saddened to read your post about your daughter and her drinking problem. I listened to a radio discussion a few months back and the effects of alcohol and binge drinking. It is on the uprise with the young youth of today. This is a very, very serious problem. And many are doing it. They feel that that as it is only on weekends for the most part... they have it under control. It quickly can become an addiction that can lead to death. They said it was astounding the number of deaths that were caused by alcohol poisoning. It is imperative that she seeks help for this as soon as she can. She is an adult and so must take responsibility for her actions.... and be prepared to accept the consequences of whatever her addiction will lead to... should she walk away. The sad fact is that others could pay for her unwillingness to co-operate. They said kids today feel they are invincible and because they are young they have time on their side. Well, as this site proves...they are wrong. I hope for your sake she is smart enough to want to break away from this habit. Professional help is what is needed here. I hope I am not scaring you by writing this. I just felt it needed to be said and perhaps it can save another life or several.

[Jeff's Mom]

Jenn, I was so saddened to read your post about your daughter and her drinking problem. I listened to a radio discussion a few months back and the effects of alcohol and binge drinking. It is on the uprise with the young youth of today. This is a very, very serious problem. And many are doing it. They feel that that as it is only on weekends for the most part... they have it under control. It quickly can become an addiction that can lead to death. They said it was astounding the number of deaths that were caused by alcohol poisoning. It is imperative that she seeks help for this as soon as she can. She is an adult and so must take responsibility for her actions.... and be prepared to accept the consequences of whatever her addiction will lead to... should she walk away. The sad fact is that others could pay for her unwillingness to co-operate. They said kids today feel they are invincible and because they are young they have time on their side. Well, as this site proves...they are wrong. I hope for your sake she is smart enough to want to break away from this habit. Professional help is what is needed here. I hope I am not scaring you by writing this. I just felt it needed to be said and perhaps it can save another life or several.

Seems to me as if that book was meant for you. I'm sure it gave you a good feeling to know that there were signs galore that day.

When I mentioned alcohol poisoning.... I forgot to mention one of the really serious things that can happen. The person can fall asleep and appear to be sleeping it off...so to speak. But they can go into heart failure and die in their sleep. The program I listened to was very informative and sure gave me a wake up call as to what is happening to so many of our youth .

You have already been through so much and I hope your daughter will recognize that she is not just hurting herself, but the family as well.

[Chris Mom]

Hi: I am new here. We lost our 28 yo son Christopher on October 8th to a heroin overdose. He fought the demons for 6 years. He was a great person who had so much going for him. Life will never be the same without him. My heart is breaking.

Chris' Mom Barbara

[ericasmom]

Jenn, I am praying that your Daughter can find out why she insists on having dangerous behaviors but I know from my own life and others who have lost a Child, that dangerous behavior is often what the surviving sibling does to display guilt, anger, frustration...so many things. If her Sis died just when she herself was becoming an adult her progression to that adult phase has been interrupted and altered. She probably does not see it but you sure do. She needs some help but we cannot make a kid seek help can we? My Son was 21 when his little Sis was killed and I worried too about driving fast or the lack of caring involved in life when depressed...he never was a big drinker so we were lucky there. If she is addicted to drinking she has a bigger issue at hand. I would think she had a wakeup call with the fire department but if not then do you think she would go to therapy with you as FAMILY therapy, telling her that you need the whole family to go so that you can be helped and see if she buys into that?

The book is a good one, I have read parts of it and it is worthwhile.

Peace Dear,

dee

[ericasmom]

Barb, just saw your post, let me talk some tonight, I am at work and can't talk now but I am holding your aching heart in mine and offering you the deepest of sympathy. There is nothing easy abou this but you took the steps to find this place which means you are finding ways to live your best life...good for you Sweeetie.

dee

[westleysmom]

Julie and Barb-I am so sorry for both of your losses. My son Westley died in his sleep on January 13, 2010 and sometimes it still doesn't even seem real. I thought when it happened that I was losing my mind. When I look back on it now, there are parts of that time that I can't even remember. I suppose it is the shock of the loss that keeps us from fully functioning, even though we think we are. I am so sorry that you both are going through this. Coming here has helped me so much to be able to talk to people who understand exactly what I'm talking about and don't care if I don't make sense all of the time. Hugs to you both. I hope if you feel able you will post more about your angels. The people here really do understand and love to hear about each other's kids and families.

Jenn-I'm sorry your daughter is having such a hard time and I hope that she will be able to get herself under control quickly. Westley only had the equivalent of 2 beers in his system and had taken some kind of prescription painkiller, which is what caused the combined acute intoxication that led to his death in his sleep at his friend's house. I had spoken to him earlier that evening and he seemed fine, happy and healthy. I know we can't control our grown children, but try to talk to her about the dangers and that it really does happen to healthy happy people her age and they die and they are dead forever. Westley had been drinking a lot and we fought about it only a day before that, because I was so worried about him. I don't think he regularly took the prescription drug that was in his system when he died, but it only takes once. You are in my thoughts as you deal with this, once you have lost a child, the very idea of going through this agony again is enough to drive us insane, if we're not already. I'm very sorry to hear of all the sadness in your part of the world this week. I do not understand either why so many bad things happen.

[Jeff's Mom]

Julie and Barb-I am so sorry for both of your losses. My son Westley died in his sleep on January 13, 2010 and sometimes it still doesn't even seem real. I thought when it happened that I was losing my mind. When I look back on it now, there are parts of that time that I can't even remember. I suppose it is the shock of the loss that keeps us from fully functioning, even though we think we are. I am so sorry that you both are going through this. Coming here has helped me so much to be able to talk to people who understand exactly what I'm talking about and don't care if I don't make sense all of the time. Hugs to you both. I hope if you feel able you will post more about your angels. The people here really do understand and love to hear about each other's kids and families.

Jenn-I'm sorry your daughter is having such a hard time and I hope that she will be able to get herself under control quickly. Westley only had the equivalent of 2 beers in his system and had taken some kind of prescription painkiller, which is what caused the combined acute intoxication that led to his death in his sleep at his friend's house. I had spoken to him earlier that evening and he seemed fine, happy and healthy. I know we can't control our grown children, but try to talk to her about the dangers and that it really does happen to healthy happy people her age and they die and they are dead forever. Westley had been drinking a lot and we fought about it only a day before that, because I was so worried about him. I don't think he regularly took the prescription drug that was in his system when he died, but it only takes once. You are in my thoughts as you deal with this, once you have lost a child, the very idea of going through this agony again is enough to drive us insane, if we're not already. I'm very sorry to hear of all the sadness in your part of the world this week. I do not understand either why so many bad things happen.

Barb I am so sorry for your loss. I wish there was some way that I could find the words to help ease your pain right now. I do know that you have come to the right place to find support. We are all going through this even if in different stages. You will find comfort and solace here from all of us.

Rhonda..when I posted earlier today about the program I had heard on the radio it was exactly what you have gone through. It is not his fault...it is not your fault...you could not have been a better mom. Unfortunately, these medications and alcohol can have serious adverse reactions. In the end...we are all here together brought to this because our much loved child has died. I found myself asking so many questions at first. Why? Why him? How can this be happening? I am sure others are sick to death of hearing me say...one day at a time. But that is exactly what it has to be. If my arms were long enough they would wrap around all of you to give you comfort and support this very night. But life does continue... does it not? And we will honour their memory by continuting with much love in our hearts.

What else can we do?

[mikesmomrs]

Hello my indigo family: Just a quick post to let you all know that hubby has been admitted to the hospital with pancreatitis. It has been a very long night last night, all night in the er, then all day today in the hospital, waiting for the doctor, who did not come until 6:30. We did not know the diagnosis until then. He is doing better than yesterday (his blood pressure had fallen to 77/46 at one point, and that of course can cause damage to major organs, which was their main concern. After MUCH poking, (8 sticks, including one to the neck) they finally got a vein and then through IV fluids, etc., they have brought the BP back up, but are now concerned he has pneumonia. He is on only ice chips for now, and will continue the IV fluids for a while. His blood count has gone way down, (he has a history of anemia) and they are likely going to do a transfusion tomorrow morning, if the count is not up again by then. He is doing well today, compared to yesterday and last night, but is very weak, as can be expected.

I spoke with his surgeon at Dartmouth Hospital (the one who will do the pancreatic cancer surgery) and he asked if we wanted to have him transferred to that hospital, but we are waiting until tomorrow to see if his counts are up (and down, where needed to go down). Because of his remaining low-functioning kidney, of course the pancreatitis is more serious as the kidney is one of the organs impacted by pancreatitis.

We thank you all for your continued support and prayers.

I am so sorry to see more new parents here on BI...I am so very, very sorry for your loss. You have indeed come to a good place to help you with your pain, though I am so sorry that you have a need to find us. People here are kind, understanding, caring, and certainly have helped me heal in whatever way is possible to heal after the loss of a precious child. I hope to get to know you more, and learn more about your angels, and will be reading your posts. My husband is currently in the hospital for pancreatitis, and was diagnosed a couple of weeks ago with pancreatic cancer, so we are beginning on another road that we never would have chosen, had we a choice in the matter. We have been told, however, that they have caught it early and there is hope for some treatment that will help.

Got to run...I am staying at the hospital with hubby, so am onlly home to gather some clothes and a few things, and I don't want to be away from him for very long.

my love to all of you, and a wish for a pleasant memory to warm you deep inside your heart.

[Jeff's Mom]

Carol and Ralph...much love and prayers sent your way. We will all be thinking of you and hope you are abe to get some rest tonight. Carol,whenever you are able please let us know how things are going. Good luck Ralph, and hang in there.! (HUGS)

Kate

[mikesmomrs]

By the way I forgot to mention that when they finally got the vein for the blood draw last night the name of the nurse who got it on her first try was "ANGELA." thank you all our angels!

[lolynbo]

CAROL PRAYERS FOR YOU AND RALPHIE. AND MANY HUGGS

COLD AND RAINY. AND LIL BIT OF SNOW. YUKO

PRAYERS FOR ALL THE NEW PARENTS THAT HAVE JOINED OUR SAD LIL GROUP.

MISSING MY GIRL. KOURTNEY. SCREAMING HER NAME

[RonnieAlt]

CAROL PRAYERS FOR YOU AND RALPHIE. AND MANY HUGGS

COLD AND RAINY. AND LIL BIT OF SNOW. YUKO

PRAYERS FOR ALL THE NEW PARENTS THAT HAVE JOINED OUR SAD LIL GROUP.

MISSING MY GIRL. KOURTNEY. SCREAMING HER NAME

I worte a poem I read at my daughter Cherry's funeral, your statement "SCREAMING HER NAME" reminded me of my poem:

I will scream and cry into the storm clouds, when thunder and lightning come

I will kiss you in the warm sunshine, I will feel you in the breeze

I will hear you whisper in the wind, and will talk to you in the clouds

I will fly away to meet you one day, where we will never say goodbye again

I will know you are near when butterflies and dragonflies land

I will trust you to the Lord until we meet again, and you can introduce me to all your new heaven friends

Goodbye for now my angel, rest in peace and know I love you so

Love, Ma

[mikesmum]

Ronnie ~ Love the poem every word so true. Have been know to 'scream' for Micheal in the middle of the forest, on a long and deserted beach and in the dark of night when his being gone is far to much to bare.

Carol ~ Am thinking of you both. Prayers that all the counts find their way to being up where needed, down when warranted and above all for him to recover quickly from this latest challenge. I know you are made of strong stuff, but a word in the ear of the one who knows couldn't go astray.

Heavy heart as I read through all those new to this site. In the madness of this journey called grief here is a place of quiet and peace where you can scream your childs name withoout fear of being shussed.

Night Indigo's

[shorty16]

Julia 5 Forever,

I just had to respond to you and let you know you are not alone in losing your son and Mom in the same year.

My Mother died of breast cancer on 2-7-2008. My 16 year old son, Brian died in a completely preventable car crash on 6-19-2008.

Your losses are so close. Was your Mom in good health at the time?

This is a tough road, but it is here that we help each other with our everyday struggles.

To my Indigo pals,

I am hanging in there!!! Christmas is a bit different this year. I am having more fun being a "Secret Santa" then years past. With my kids now adults, many of the toys, crafts, etc. I have stashed for a quick gift are not longer EnVogue with them. Therefore, I have been giving them to Secret Santa programs through out the city.

It is really alot of fun. I also know Brian would be proud of me. That is what it is all about.

I think of you-all every day.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Brendan's Daddy]

Hello everybody. It has been quite some time since I lasted posted here. For the last month I even tried not to come to the site and read. It was just getting too hard to see all the new people coming to this site. I just want you to know that my heart breaks for all of you. Even though I have not been coming to this site very often I do pray for all of you every day. I continue to pray for healing.

The past month has been rough. I am very busy coaching basketball, which is good. The problem is Brendan was my little gym rat. He was always in the gym with me. Now I find myself alone in the gym more often than ever. All of our Brendan & Daddy time alone in the gym is gone. Sometimes I just sit in the dark gym and remember. I cry when I think about all we were robbed of. The anticipation of December 4th was hard on all of us. I am very glad we were able to make it through the one year mark without our son. I feel like I miss him more and more each day even though each day I don't think it is possible to miss him any more than I already do. I keep hearing that time heals all wounds, but it is starting to feel like this wound is just too deep to ever heal.

Things in our lives are moving forward. We are inching closer to being able to forgive the driver who is responsible for taking our boys life. I guess I feel that if this was God's Plan then is there anything that anybody could have done to prevent this? Who am I really mad at? I guess the answer to that is myself. The guilt I feel for not being there will never go away. I promised my son that I would never let anything happen to him, yet he died at the age of 7. He is the best friend that I have ever known and I let him down. I was not there to protect him like I promised I would be. Our new home is also getting closer. The outside is almost done so during the winter months the inside will get finished. We are hoping to be in come March. My wife is now 24 weeks pregnant with another little boy. We are praying that this baby is happy and healthy. I pray that I can heal enough to be a good daddy to my sons.

Sorry for the rant. I have a lot on my mind and I wanted to come here and catch up a little bit. I am hoping to find some time today to read some past posts and catch up. Take care everybody.

Brendan's Daddy

Tony

[westleysmom]

Tony-I'm so sorry that I missed saying Brendan's name on his angel date and glad that you made it through okay. I hope that your wife continues to do well and your new baby arrives healthy and whole. I know that it doesn't heal the pain of losing Brendan, but I know that a new baby is a joy, and you all could certainly use some joy. How is Brendan's brother doing? I'm sorry I can't say his name right now. The guilt that we as surviving parents feel can suck all of the air out of our lungs if we let it. It is something I still struggle with. Maybe in time we can forgive ourselves. Hugs to all of you

BRENDAN BRENDAN BRENDAN-Forever loved and missed.

Carol-Hoping that Ralph is feeling much better and sending you both love and hugs.

Colleen-I suppose we were getting to the age when our kids were going to outgrow all the things that we did for Christmas, anyway, but there are still lots of children who need the kind of little things that Moms like us like to do for Christmas. I'm glad that it is giving you happiness to reach out to those who need it most. Hugs

Kate-Thank you for your kind words. I don't feel like I was the best mom I could be. But thank you anyway.

Ronnie-What a beautiful poem. Thanks for posting it.

Lorri-Weather here has been dark and rainy too. No snow just yet, though, still not that cold.

Hope you all are having as good a day as you can and feel your angel all around you.

[Guest msnher]

Tony - I'm so sorry we missed Brendan's angelversary! I was just talking about him to my grown son and his wife, yesterday. I wondered how you were doing and mumbled something and then had to explain myself. It is hard to watch all the new losses on here. I have to remind myself that it isn't because more and more of our children are dying, it's just that's it's easier to find us...this site. For that I am grateful. I can tell you exactly who I was mad at...God, Himself! There was never a doubt in my mind who to direct my anger towards. Fortunately, he was able to handle it. It was harder for me...still is...harder for me to forgive the people who purposefully hurt my grandchildren. Some days I do better than others.

Take all the time you need away from us....but, please keep us posted, once in a while, as to how things are going.

[drobertsdt]

It has been 2 months and 16 days since i have heard his voice, touched his skin, smelled his smell, or looked at his beautiful soft face. He left me on September 19th - the day my world changed forever. I read all of the posts on here, and i feel for everyone of you, because i know how your heart hurts and aches and how you are screaming on the inside. This is so very hard. His birthday is coming up on December 13th, he would have been 20 years old. I miss him so much and need him here. But the sad reality is that is not going to happen...ever..until I meet him again in heaven. I feel that I am pulling away from everyone. I don't want to talk to friends or family...i just want to be. I really don't know if this is healthy or not...but it is where I am. This time of year is so hard too with all of the holidays. I really just want to tear everyone's Christmas decorations down and scream at them.... I know others can't help what happened to my son or our family. Just a hard time. My daughter's 16th birthday was Saturday, and it was hard to try and put on a smile for her...when on the inside i am still crushed and screaming. He should have been there to celebrate with us. I know it was hard for her too. How do you make it through these holidays? Any suggestions? I also feel like i want to rearange everything in my house. I want to paint, want new furniture...i guess just trying to fill the void, i really don't know. I have never been here before. Thank you for letting me vent. It brings comfort, unfortunately, to know that there are those that walk along beside me in this journey who know what a parents oh so crushed heart feels like. I am praying and thinking for you all!

[ericasmom]

Carol and Ralph, one day at a time now, it takes time to heal and get stronger when so many things are going on that make it hard. I am praying as so many are for a full recovery. I hope Carol, that you are getting some sleep.

Colleen, so glad that you found a way to feel some joy in the season. WHat a nice way to find it...through gifting the lives of those in need.

Tony, sounds like you and the family are working hard to get through the hardest days. I know your Brendan is so proud of you. You made it through the first anniversary which is one of the very hardest of days to get through. Blessings sweet man.

Adrian's Mom, I am so sorry for what you are now going through, this terrible loss. We do totally get it that all you want to be is alone right now. I think it is a common reaction to this uncommon ocurrance. Plese know that there are no rules and no timelines involved in grieving, only that you don't hurt yourself in the process. You are hurt enough right now. So try to take care of yourself by drinking plenty of water to replace the water lost through tears, eat some small meals several times a day to keep your strength, take a vitamin or two so that your immune system which has been hit hard by grief, can have a fighting chance. I take a lot of vitamin c as I work with third graders and need to fight the many germs they have, but I know when I first was on this journey, I felt so fragile and I caught every cold that came my way/ keep coming here and post when you can letting us know more about Adrian as you are able.

Peace one day, I swear

[hismomma]

It has been 2 months and 16 days since i have heard his voice, touched his skin, smelled his smell, or looked at his beautiful soft face. He left me on September 19th - the day my world changed forever. I read all of the posts on here, and i feel for everyone of you, because i know how your heart hurts and aches and how you are screaming on the inside. This is so very hard. His birthday is coming up on December 13th, he would have been 20 years old. I miss him so much and need him here. But the sad reality is that is not going to happen...ever..until I meet him again in heaven. I feel that I am pulling away from everyone. I don't want to talk to friends or family...i just want to be. I really don't know if this is healthy or not...but it is where I am. This time of year is so hard too with all of the holidays. I really just want to tear everyone's Christmas decorations down and scream at them.... I know others can't help what happened to my son or our family. Just a hard time. My daughter's 16th birthday was Saturday, and it was hard to try and put on a smile for her...when on the inside i am still crushed and screaming. He should have been there to celebrate with us. I know it was hard for her too. How do you make it through these holidays? Any suggestions? I also feel like i want to rearange everything in my house. I want to paint, want new furniture...i guess just trying to fill the void, i really don't know. I have never been here before. Thank you for letting me vent. It brings comfort, unfortunately, to know that there are those that walk along beside me in this journey who know what a parents oh so crushed heart feels like. I am praying and thinking for you all!

I do not know if this will help but, my son Scott Died 14 months ago. AS I read your post it reminded me how hard it was to even survive those days. Believe it or not the torture you feel will slowly start to ease. Everyone has there own way and time to deal with this kind of never ending life changing event. I am so sorry for you loss. This is not the order of nature... I understand..... What we would all do for just one more hug....

So stand steady and just take one breath at a time. Scott's Momma Andrea bknheartedmom

[hismomma]

ADRIAN'S MOM

I do not know if this will help but, my son Scott Died 14 months ago. AS I read your post it reminded me how hard it was to even survive those days. Believe it or not the torture you feel will slowly start to ease. Everyone has there own way and time to deal with this kind of never ending life changing event. I am so sorry for you loss. This is not the order of nature... I understand..... What we would all do for just one more hug....

So stand steady and just take one breath at a time. Scott's Momma Andrea bknheartedmom

[Jeff's Mom]

I do not know if this will help but, my son Scott Died 14 months ago. AS I read your post it reminded me how hard it was to even survive those days. Believe it or not the torture you feel will slowly start to ease. Everyone has there own way and time to deal with this kind of never ending life changing event. I am so sorry for you loss. This is not the order of nature... I understand..... What we would all do for just one more hug....

So stand steady and just take one breath at a time. Scott's Momma Andrea bknheartedmom

Adrian's Mom, I know exactly how you are feeling today. I wish distance did not prevent us from getting together for a warm cup of something comforting to drink... and just talk. Jeff died on Dec. 12th, almost two years ago. This time of year is one that our family really enjoyed and threw ourselves into. But not now. I know the feeling about the Xmas decorations, etc. I feel the same way. I am further along then you, but my pain is still fresh and raw. I have to push myself to keep going one day at a time. Sometimes the reasons for doing it are not what we would like. But in the end, they are what keeps us from crashing completely. When you have other family dependent on you it forces you to focus on other things.

Make a list of things you want to accomplish today. Try to get through it. If you don't? So what? At least you tried to do a few of them, right? One day at a time is all you can expect at this stage. It is too new and fresh. The pain will subside somewhat with time. And yes, you are going to see him again. Hold on to that if it gives you comfort. It does me. If I didn't have that... I am honestly not sure if I could handle it.

Let the tears flow...they are healthy and you need to get this out. The shock and pain will start to fade somewhat...down the road. Hang in there. (HUGS)

Kate

[517958]

Here's a question for all of you that have seen many Christmas times since you lost your babies - Will Christmas ever not suck? This is the frist one in my life that I haven't looked forward to. I'm usually the annoying one who starts listening to Christmas music before Thanksgiving. Now I want to run into the street and yell at the top of my lungs, "F You guys and your Merry F'ing Christmas with your living F'ing kids!!!!" People keep asking me, "Hey, did you put up your tree and lights yet?" and "What are you doing for Christmas" all cheery like. I want to tell them that this year I'd rather just crawl into a hole and die but I did put up a tree and decorate for my 3 year old that deserves to have some fun after the terrible year she's had to endure.

PS. Sorry for my F bombs and the rant. I guess I'm back to anger again. Whoever thought the stages of grief occur in succession needs to have his/her head examined.

[Jeff's Mom]

I am happy to respond as I am sitting here in a wind storm! Our first Christmas was too soon after our son's death. Thirteen days to be precise. As I have mentioned so often in the past, we were like walking zombies. Totally numb and occasionally it would wear off and the searing pain would be almost unbearable. I would cry like crazy until I had lost energy and felt that absolutely nobody in this world could ever imagine my pain. I felt alone and panicky.

Last year was very different. We put the tree up and observed the traditions...save sending cards, as I could not bring myself to wish anybody anything Merry! I prepared a turkey and I ate it, but did I enjoy it? I can't remember. I blocked the day out. I simply cannot listen to Christmas Carols. I always loved to hear them. Right now I walk around in silence or turn on classical music. This year I will yet again cook the dreaded beast and we will sit observing the ritual. Will we enjoy it? I doubt it. I'll let you know after the fact. It has changed and will never be the same. But you are young and have a young family that still believes in the traditions of holidays. It is so important not to let the rest of your family lose hope for a brighter day and a chance to celebrate in a happy manner. And I know how much people hate to hear about time helping! It honestly does.

Here's hoping for a brighter Christmas for everyone on this thread.

[ericasmom]

Ronnie, lovely poem really captures the loss. A poem I wrote was read at ERi's funeral by my husband, I did not know he was going to do that. Hang on Friend, this is a tough road but we are here as evidence that we do survive this sadness. Hang on.

Char's Mom, Angela? I cannot say if Christmas time will ever not suck, and the Fbomb is my friend, I use it often. The holidays represent more ache and pain even now, 8.5 years later, but I didn't have little ones at home so I do think that one day, Christmas time will begin to heal for you as your little Girl grows up loving the season, you will have that to grow with. How nice, but also so hard to be merry for a little one when your heart is aching. The bitter and the sweet. Tony and others here with young ones also have had to put on a face for the holidays for thier little ones. One thing good though is it forces the tree to be put up and the ornaments out. WIthout a young one home, we only put a tree up once since Eri left, two years ago. My Son who was 28 at the time asked if I would like to put one up if he helped and I jumped at the chance as he had been without a tree for that many years too. So we did, but he recently got married so he and Shannon will put up a tree and that makes my heart glad and I can get enough tree and decorations from their home. They live two blocks away so I am lucky. I bought them some new ornaments an got my ornament fix that way. One day however, it won't hurt like it does this year, and I do know the hurt for all of you experiencing your firs or second holiday season without your Child.

[sadmomm]

Hello Indigoes. I am really having a tough time. I think I have complicated grief or severe depression. I don't want to take meds right now. Which everyone says take. Mine are life choices. As I think My sons passing was involved with poor choices which I was ignoring due to my own poor choices. Poor choices stink don't they. When they end up in these tragedies and all this pain. Anyway... Do you guys force yourself to feel better?? I find finally I am trying not to relive his accident even though i didn't see it. If Ide been with him it wouldn't have happened. I just lay around. Or get on here to try to mask the bad feeling. I know this is the wrong thing to do. But I don't care. I have loss about my choice to move and not acting in my best interest.... He says well put it on the market in may august. Move back. He rubs my back that is all i want. It is pathetic. I don't cook. I don't clean... I barely farm. sometimes I want to smile... I reminisce a lot about Morgan. Then I also cry and scream also. A man whose son died in 1985 said I had to stop thinking about him. That is not going to happen. I did read grief can make you physically ill. I know everyone tells me to do something. I know that is the answer life is to be lived life is what we make it.I regret 20 years I don't regret morgan at all. I just regret not being more like him. carrie