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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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Amanda called and is at Dartmouth waiting for her MRI....then the pacemaker. Her future mother in law is with her.

Carol - Continued prayers for you and Ralph. I love Mike's ability to get those signs right in your face. Please give Ralph a hug for me and ask him to give you a hug from me, too!

Trudi - Yes, Dartmouth is where Ralph and Carol go, too. It's a good hospital. I went to sleep praying for you, Trudi, so it stands to reason that you would be deep in my thoughts when I woke up this morning. I wish we all lived close enough to gather in each other's kitchen for coffee or tea.

Karen - When I said I "pulled a Karen" what I meant was I took on a huge project by myself. You, of course, would have known how to finish the project. It wasn't meant to sound as an insult. You know how I scold you for taking on those big things by yourself. Well, I can't promise, but I'll try, to never say a word to you again about it.

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Dee - That's a good idea for Trudi to do for Harmony. That's what we did for my grandchildren. The day we got them they got to open their Christmas presents from their mommy and from us. I had the newspaper clipping out that I put in the paper on Mariah's birthday and all the letters I'd written to them available for them to see.

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Susannah...thoughts and prayers and a huge "HUG" sent your way. Wish we lived closer and I would have loved to have helped you dismantle your bathroom! I'll check later to see how the surgery went.

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Hi Everyone, I know it’s been a while….again. I’ve been struggling quite a bit lately but I’m still plugging along…does anyone even know what that means? I guess just a saying inherited along the way. I’ve been playing a lot more lately; focusing on remembering the chords helps my memory some. I’ve also been trying hard to find my faith again and still try to pray every day…mostly that they are heard.

Betsy, My heart, thoughts, and prayers are with you, and your family, as you get through these difficult days. Please know I’m here if you need to talk, cry, or even yell. {{Hugs}} to you my friend.

Carol, I think of you and Ralph each day and pray for you both the strength and faith you need to face the fearful days ahead. My prayers are also with Davis in his struggles. Please remember I’m only a phone call away, for all of you. I don’t have the answers but I have connections ready to go, and ears to listen anytime.

Kathy, my prayers go out to you, Barry, and BJ with his own struggles as well. I’m also so sorry to hear of the loss of your money, especially the bill which holds so much meaning to your heart. Though it is cash and hard to track down I imagine, if spent somewhere, that bill would be easily noticed. Though the press often gets a bad rap in many cases they can help get the word out and more eyes looking for it. I’d be more than happy to put something together for your local news if you’d like just let me know the local station or publication.

Leah, I too love your statement and advice of letting them know if they didn’t make an effort to change things then they needed to stop bringing the same thing to your lives. That is good advice, though I know so difficult to do, especially knowing where the road of addiction brings the suffering and those who love them. Leah I pray for you and your family too and hope whatever the outcome at court she finds the peace within herself she so desperately needs.

Although I ultimately lost my brother to suicide, it was the addiction that led him to such hopelessness. Stepping away from his suffering was difficult, like I recently mentioned to somebody, that’s why they call it “tough” love…because it is awfully tough. I had to make a decision whether to have my brother in my life, as he was, or to protect my boys from his behaviors. I chose the latter. I will always be sad I never had the big brother I would have liked, or an uncle my own sons could have looked up to, and for him that he could never overcome his addictions or accept all of the help which was offered through the years. However, my sons did get a difficult lesson early on where addiction can lead and fortunately both stayed off that road.

Dee- I absolutely love the pictures of Jon’s wedding you all look so wonderful and happy. I wish them both the very best and lots of love. What a beautiful and thoughtful gift your SIL Carol sent for you in memory of your beautiful girl Eri…thank you for sharing that with us.

Sherry, I too will always refer to this site as Beyond Indigo and us as members of the Indigo family. As I believe Susannah (forgive me if my memory is off) had described it so well the feeling of Indigo and being beyond blue…so much more fitting than its current name.

Amy, I’m so very sorry I missed Ashley’s birthday. I hope the light of your precious girl surrounded you with her love.

Scott’s Momma, I’m so sorry to hear of the loss of your son Scott and the suffering he endured. I’m also saddened by the fact that no matter how far we’ve come in understanding mental illness medically, the justice system falls so far behind. I’m sorry for your reason for being here but so glad you found a place to not feel so alone in your pain…we truly do understand.

Ronnie, A painful welcome to you as well. I’m so sorry to hear of the loss of your precious girl Cherry. She does sound like a wonderful and loving young lady. Please continue to share her memory here with us.

Susannah, I was so happy to hear of your shopping escapades. How nice to hear of the others getting involved in helping bring Christmas back for your family. I’m still hanging on…thanks for the smile.

Lorri, I love the shirts too and your idea for supporting the cause, I’m certain Kourtney is very proud of her Momma and all the good she does.

Trudi, I’m sorry I missed the day to wish you and Mal a Happy Anniversary. I hope his health is improving and you're getting the rest I’m sure you greatly need.

Rhonda, I too think of you daily and know the difficulty you’re having. I often feel we’re on the same path, having a hard time seeing beyond the darkness. {{Hugs}}

Colleen, my thoughts are also with you, Scott, and Aaron as we approach as we approach your 4th year of Christmas without your precious boy Brian.

Susan. I’m so sorry to hear of the additional pain your husband is showing to you and Regan. I agree with what others here say, he has no excuse and neither of you deserve it. I pray for strength for you.

Polly, I’m sorry about the bad haircut. I think we’ve all experienced that at one point or another and understand. A hat can be everyone’s best friend at times like that. It took me about 8 months to actually get out and get my mane cut after…and only after the constant bugging of my niece and her throwing a $5.00 haircut coupon my way. Honestly I did it only so I didn’t have to hear it anymore and haven’t been back since…I just dug out the hats again. =)

Angela, I don’t believe I’ve said hello to you. I am so sorry to read of the loss of your precious angel Char, she’s a beautiful little girl. Please keep coming back and sharing her memories with us.

Kate, I’m not sure I ever really officially said hello to you but I’ve read your words and often am touched by the strength you show and your ability to hold on to everyone else through your own pain. I’m sorry for the loss of your precious son Jeff.

As I noticed Jeff’s angel date I realized that only one week prior my Son, Shawn, was getting married, December 5th 2009. Nine months and four days later he was taken from us in a motorcycle accident. I’ve somehow made it through the one year angelversary, what should have been his 27th birthday, the first memorial hockey game in his memory, and now the first of the holidays. Christmas…then New Years…quite honestly I’m hoping they just pass quickly.

My plan is to get away for a couple days over Christmas. I guess it’s better than last year, I spent it in bed trying to ignore the guilt my family tried to put on me for not showing up. We’ll see if I actually follow through with this year’s plan…I put no pressure on myself, or at least I try real hard.

I’m sorry, I’m sure I missed a few posts as I typed this and as I'm still trying to catch up on all the days I've been away, but you all mean the world to me. I wish you all the strength to make it through the month ahead of us. I have this song I want to share with all of you. It’s what I imagine all of our children saying to us…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ny80wqGOnjk

Karen...it is nice to meet you... if even under these sad circumstances. I am sorry for your loss! Thank you for sharing that song. It is beautiful. Yes, this time of year is so hard to get through. It has taken every ounce of strength I can muster to keep plugging along. Gosh, I miss him. It makes me very sad to hear of other people that lack the same family support that I do. They just don't get it. Our first Christmas was spent in a complete daze and shock. In truth, the family was pleased we did not want to participate. They bolted to warm climes for holiday time. We were in no mood to even consider celebrating. Somehow we just got through the day. Last year was actually harder. The same family this time still flew the coop...so to speak. Off on lovely holidays leaving us here alone. At that point we were stunned at how callous they were. But we got the message loud and clear. Our lives are happy they said... and we don't want you to pull us down with your heartache. Shape up or sit alone. Get over it they told us, or get help. After all it is almost two years! Well, the long and short of it is we are going to start a new life without them in it. It is hard to lose our son, but a lot easier to lose them. No loss for us. If they can't handle how he died that is their tough luck. There are some really weak people out there. Circumstances like these bring out who exactly we are dealing with. It can be shocking and very disappointing. Your plan to go away for Christmas is a great one. A complete change of scenery can help to take your thoughts elsewhere. I hope you have a peaceful break.

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HI everyone it's IT's Andrea, Scott's momma. I have to make my long story about my son death real short. I'm not supposed to talk about it, my lawyer said so. I guess how Scott died really is not important. He is gone and I am lost without him. I have a thick vale over my face, I don't understand..... This can not be happening to me.angry.gif.. Before Scott passed I was hanging on to a very small string, now that string is gone and I'm falling, I'm scared, I feel sooo alone, no one else in my family seems to understand what I'm going through, it's like they want me to move on. let it go.. Well that's not gonna happen, as of right now I really can't believe he is even gone.dry.gif..How am I supposed to let him go if in my mind he's still out there and some day he will return to my arms.

THANKS FOR LISTENING rolleyes.gif Andrea

P.S. SCOTT COME HOME...........sad.gif

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Hanging out today at Kourtneys Kloset November we helped 94 kids and 35 adults. Gave 1200 items away.

Well it's December. Christmas is just over the hill. And here we go with the stockings. The kids and Monty's will be

Full and kourtneys will be hanging empty. Except last yr Monty put a LIL Angel precious moments in it. Says MOMMYS ANGEL. SIGHHHHHHHHHHH

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Andrea Hi It is Carrie Morgans Mom I also have to remember I am cassidys mom and Lees Mom. And my mothering with Morgan is over. He lost his life to a tragedy. That I was not there to help him. Nor was I the best of best mothers in the world and that is what I am struggling with along with the fact.That that percentage of my happiness is gone forever. His joy and personality and being .. His wonderful self. Is not mine to fufill my happiness needs anymore. I was diagnosed with bipolar due to my move to ky in hopes of a good life. It was a horrible mistake. I ruined my life my kids lives and lost my son when we should have had the time of our lives instead of some fake. FUN new life.... So I don't sleep well. I wake time and time again thinking of my precious boy. What I could have done ... Didn't do it. now can't.. I am tormented beyond belief and this has been going on for over a year. year and a half. .... I am half the person I once was. so ashamed...so unhappy. how do i pick myself up??? who knows. people want me to feel better. But how do you feel better when every human being on this planet reminds you of your precious child. the hands the breathing the showers. even the days. ...I have to pull through... suicide has never been an issue. though you do feel like dying. change places you know. give the young man the chance to live. i have lived. I am sorry.. everyone has different circumstances.......For me the sun doesn't breath anymore... I am haunted. Is that what they mean when there are ghosts. i wish he was a ghost. perhaps we could have fun. love to you all carrie

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Wow You really hit the nail on the head.

My guilt over, what I know I could have done to prevent Scott's death...

My son was Murdered and I was not there to help him....... I am so sorry baby.

I to need remember I am still a mother,..to Kerstie, Nick, and Elizabeth...... and grandma (aka) MEMA to.. Grand babies Christian,Summer,Izabell and Alaina...

I just want my baby back... If anyone see's Scott , please tell him to come home.

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Karen----Yep---so GOOD to see you back here at BI. I do agree that the grieve.com name

is not as meaningful as BI. It might have been changed by the administrators in the

hope that someone out there needing a helping shoulder who just put in "Grieving" as

a keyword and they hope it would be easier to access this site. Who knows??? At any rate

we here will always call ourselves INDIGOS, and know the site as BI.

Beth------Sending heartfelt prayers.

Carol-----Continuing to pray for you & Ralph.

Susannah---Also,......prayers for sweet Amanda, as she has the pacemaker put in. Bless her.

Trudi-----Oh, friend Trudi.......I'm so sorry for your heartache over not being part of dear little

Harmony's life. How sad. Dee's idea (and Susannah's too), of a box to put items that you may be able to give her

someday sounds like a good one. It's very doubtful that Harmony has the hostile and punitive attitude that

her mother has for you, and hopefully, someday you & Harmony can have a glad reunion and closeness.

This is such a sad situation, and I hear about ones like it all too often. We have one in our family.....although

it only indirectly affects me . I've tried to bring about a reconciliation, but alas.......some people will just not

try. The sorrow is in your voice about being kept away from your granddaughter, and I'm so sorry.

Carrie------I read your post with sadness that you are feeling guilt over your son's death. As so many others here have expressed.....

guilt is a part of the grief process. We, as parents always think there is something else we could have done

in regards to our tragedies. There are no perfect parents......just as there are no perfect kids. We loved them

with their faults, and they....no doubt.....loved us with all our faults and shortcomings. That is the human condition.....

shortcomings in all of us....but that does not stop or hinder all the love from flowing through, and remaining when

our beloved child is gone. They are gone, but not forgotten, and the love is always there.....for them, (and from them on the other side.)

Lorrie----How thoughtful of your husband to put the little angel in Kourtney's stocking.

Andrea--Sorry that others in your family don't understand that you need to have your

own timeline for your grief, and that it can't be 'rushed', or that you can't be hurried

and told to 'get on with it'. It's your grief, and you must go at your own pace. Keep

coming to BI where everyone knows, firsthand, the sorrow you are in. Peace to you.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

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Sherry ~ I did begin a 'memory' box for Harmony way back. It contains things she left her on the odd occassion she visited. I have socks, white with purple trim, a vibrant pink headband with polka dots, a music toy of bells attached to a red wooden handle. To it I added the first gift we sent that was returned. It was a baby book (she was 1 when Mike died), a knitted cream cardigan, skirt and a soft small cream rabbit. I have since added a charm bracelet that has charms added for birthdays etc. I also have an affirmation hanging with the words

"Harmony: Life is not a race but a journey to be savoured along the way. Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery and today is a gift"

I also keep a 'journal' of sorts with pics of each gift we send. It is sad, no doubt about it, but I have been blessed to see her recently from afar and she is truly Mike's girl.

Andrea (Scotts mum), Carrie (Morgans mum) ~ I'm so sorry for your loss but as many will tell you so glad you found your way here. Reading your posts take me back to first days, and even now at times those feelings take control. Guilt, well I think thats something every parent who loses a child in whatever way carries. That feeling that our children are out there somewhere, that too is our lot.

My heart cracked a little more when I read, "If anyone sees Scott, tell him to come home". I think that's something all of us here would love,...to say their names and get their reply.

I am off today to decorate gingerbread with my grade 3/4 girl. She asked if I would do something like cooking or stuff. Well not having access to an oven at the school I went with decorating some I prepared earlier.

Looking at sunshine streaming through my window today....can't help thinking Mike's around today....just helping out with Taryn and the gingerbread. That's something he would do.

Peace & Light Indigo's

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I could not wait to get here and tell you the GREAT NEWS - I found the 5 dollar bill that has Jessica and her friends name on it !!! :D I went to look for something in the treasure box and there it was !!! I do not know when I put it there, honestly I do not, I always carried it with me - I do not even know the last time I went into the treasure box so all I can say is there are some beautiful Angels watching and smiling and I know the one with the biggest smile and I love her with all my heart .....Miracles and Angels have made me happy. Thank you all for your kind words - I love you all I have decided that it is doing me no good to worry about the other $$$, it is gone and nothing will bring it back so I am going to put a smile on my face and take it one day at a time. Tavian does not know as he would freak out if he thought anyone was around our house....he went through a stage where he worried all the time about someone "breaking" into our house so I never want him to go through that again. Christmas is about giving, love and family and as long as we have each other than everything else will be ok......

""Although I ultimately lost my brother to suicide, it was the addiction that led him to such hopelessness. Stepping away from his suffering was difficult, like I recently mentioned to somebody, that’s why they call it “tough” love…because it is awfully tough."" Karen - these words spoke so much to my heart...it is what I have been doing with my son "tough love" and it is so hard...but I know that I am doing the right thing. Right now he is clean again, going to meetings and talks to me via internet of how sorry he is that he got involved again, how sorry he is for all the hurt he has caused and this time he is going to stay clean for the rest of his life....I want to believe him but I know there will always be that "doubt" hanging over my heart. I am sorry too that Tavian does not have an Uncle he can look up too.....unfortunatley Tavian has seen his uncle when he was at a bad stage and it has made Tavian afraid....I am hoping the day will come when that changes.

Trudi - My heart holds you tight as you struggle through the missing your sweet grand-daughter.....Yes, you are blessed to have your other grandies but it does not take the pain away of not seeing Harmony. I get so mad at people as they always say "you should be happy as you are so blessed to have Tavian" and yes that is true but he DOES NOT replace Jessica - no one can ever replace your child. Hugs to you.

I have to say good night my friends as I have to get Tavian to bed.....he is a tired boy and school tomorrow. Peace, love and strength to all, Kathy

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Kathy, what a great item to read: The five dollar bill with Jess's name is back. Wonderful.

Trudi, I am glad that you are putting things away for your Girl Harmony, I do feel strongly that you will one day have time with her.

To Andrea, I am so very sorry that you have to be quiet about how your Son died but we get that, we understand that when a case in the court system, that is the way it is. I was so touched by your asking us if we see Scott to tell him to go home. Home, a word that changes so much when we lose a Child. I lost Erica 8.5 years ago when an Amtrak hit her car at a broken crossing in Kalamazoo, Michigan. I miss her each day but I promise you that the work you are doing to make it through will be less strenuous one day. When you allow yourself to go through grief it is very hard but very important and on the days when you are sure that it is going to kill you, but you wake up the next day anyway...well it means that we are meant to do more work here before we leave. IT is the hardest work you will ever do but I always picture Eri and all of the Angels cheering us on, Go Mom, You can do it DAD...because they love us as they always had and want us to stand for them where they no longer can. And we do. One day, though it seems impossible to think of now, one day you will laugh and make plans and look forward to things again. They may not be the same things that caused that in you before your Child left, but nevertheless.

Ronnie and Carrie, I am so sorry that you are here because I know what it means for your heart, but I am glad that you found us. We are a big group so don't try to name us now, it will eventually happen withthe faces of our Child and our names. Let yourselves grieve when you can and as many of us longer on this road than you, if folks can't handle your grief...it is their problem not yours. We are indeed all different, grief is a long process and can not be avoided.

Many good books to read if you would like to read authors that have also lost a Child: Isabelle Alende' -Paula and The Sum of Our Days. She lost her Daughter and wrote Paula, and followed it up many years later with The Sum of Our Days.

Alison Smith wrote: Name All the Animals, she lost her brother and writes from the younger sister's viewpoint. Very good.

At around the 6 month mark I came to this place and I began therapy soon after. Therapy helped me find ways to live strong by learning how to battle some of my fears that were unleashed and grew after Eri died. I went for about 2 years adn have gone back when I have needed. This place has been a haven, a place in which to form friendships and bonds and share the most important layers of our spirits and souls.

Lorri, what a joy that you were able to assist that many people in one day. My but your Girl is shining bright tonight.

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No time to stay...I just want to say that I've talked to Amanda twice and she said she feels greaaaat...drugs talking...Thanks for your prayers.

Big THANK YOU to Karen for explaining how to put in the toilet. I didn't know you had to replace the wax wing. Thanks for the phone call and the laughs. Even in our darkest moments we are able to laugh at ourselves! I sure love you!

Kathy, I just have to say this.....please know I don't condone the thief taking your wallet, but it seems that someone was taking care of you. First by a friend giving you money for Tavian's Christmas and then you putting Jessica's special $5.00 in a safe place. Just sayin'....I think it's almost as if "someone" knew this was going to happen. Twilight music, please. (Not Edward and Jacob "Twilight", but the music for the 60's Twilight)

Gotta go....busy in the bathroom.

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Kathy: so, SO great about finding that the five dollar bill was not lost after all. I am so sorry that you had to go through this at all, but finding that bill, I know has lightened your heart. I am glad to hear that BJ is in a good place again, but so very familiar with the "doubt" about it lasting. I pray he does continue on the road. Unfortunately, I don't think Davis has found that road yet. The "tough love" we've been doing has certainly been tougher on us than on him. Especially Ralph. He is heartbroken over what Davis is doing to himself, and when Davis is here, after he leaves, Ralph is so much more stressed. So, we have issued some strong limitations on when and how he can visit. He seems to have found a new place to stay (the lady where he was staying is very unstable and the house is chaos, more so that we even knew about, but I think there is more to it than he is telling us as to why she won't let him back). I think it might be the drama he drags around with him like a shroud. It is very hard to put up with it when it is your family, but when it is jsut someone you know, it is just something you are not going to do and I think that is what has happened. Anyway, he has found some old friends who have said he could stay with them. I wonder what they will do when they find out he is using. I don't think he will be able to keep it from them for long. Well, enough about that. I pray for BJ (and Davis) that the demons will leave them alone.

Lorri: Oh, my goodness, your Kourtney is just beaming with pride over her momma's deeds. Raising the funds to do all of this, and also bringing in all of the donations, etc., and being instrumental in getting them to those in need, has been such a gift to your community. You are a beautiful person.

Andrea and Carrie and Ronnie: I am so very sorry for your loss. Guilt lives with us all at times, and I do pray that your sense of guilt eases from your heart and your shoulders. And, it will. Lilke Dee said, we WILL smile again, laugh again, one day. It will sound strange to our own ears and we will wonder where it comes from, and when we realize it came from ourselves, the guilt will rain down on us again, and then one day, after one of those laughs, we will come to realize that this is what our angels want for us. To be here for them, laugh for them, smile for them. My heart to you.

Trudi: Kathy is right, having all of our grandchildren, or even if we onlly have one, it doesn't take the hurt away of the one we can't hold, give love to, cherish and let them know they are cherished. I know taht seeing Harmony this winter was a great gift to you, from your precious sweet Micheal, and I pray that one day he can bring the two of you together and you each will come to know a wonderful, loving, beautiful person, and the love from Harmony will come naturally. We know the love for Harmony is already there, and I pray one day you are able to tell her to her own self, as you gently and lovingly place all of the boxes of treasures and the journal you have created for her, in front of her to see how deep and long standing your love is and has been.

Karen: So wonderful to see your beautiful Shawn's smiling face, and to hear from you. Thanks for your good wishes.

Susan: Are you okay?

We head out in 6 hours for the hospital for Ralph to have the PET scan and laparoscopy that will tell us whether he is a candidate for the surgery for his cancer or not. It promises to be a really long day, and we may wind up staying the night and driving home on Saturday. We know that we have all of your prayers and good wishes, and for that we are so very, very thankful. He has been showing some true signs of the stress this is causing over the last few days, and I pray that we have good news tomorrow.

sending love to all of my indigo family.

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Carol - I will be with you in thought and spirit. So nice of you to send me a text with everything you have going on. I love you, my friend!

Oh Indigo's. I'm sorry I'm behind. I promise to never complain again when it takes someone hours to put in a toilet or a sink. Oh. My. God. There are SO many different places they leak from. I must say, I love the end results. Well, not quite done, yet, but it looks good so far. This is the master bath. It was in its original form. I hated it. I didn't think there was any hope....I've changed my mind.

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Hi INdigos thanks for writing the kind words to me. I have been on here before and sometimes it seems like i'm not noticed. It is nice to be noticed and responded to. Visited with Mom and brother Craig over the thanksgiving holidays it was nice but with my complicated grief. Due to Morgans passing and my moving and not taking care of him. Not having fun with him and doing what was best for all our happiness staying together. I have much anxiety, depression. I am trying to figure it out in my head... without help which is dumb and without medicine which sometimes i wonder if i need it. LIfe can never be the same. Morgans smile was contagious. and his philosophy about materialism was right on. love to you carrie

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Carrie, I am sorry that you have felt that you were not responded to in the past. Sometimes the site grows so quickly that we all get tangled up in the amount of folks that are new arrivals and want to tend to them before too long. I do remember your aching heart of course, and I hope that you can find some solace in the future. Aren't you trying to move back to y our former home or city? I am wishing you luck and hope.

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Hi INdigos thanks for writing the kind words to me. I have been on here before and sometimes it seems like i'm not noticed. It is nice to be noticed and responded to. Visited with Mom and brother Craig over the thanksgiving holidays it was nice but with my complicated grief. Due to Morgans passing and my moving and not taking care of him. Not having fun with him and doing what was best for all our happiness staying together. I have much anxiety, depression. I am trying to figure it out in my head... without help which is dumb and without medicine which sometimes i wonder if i need it. LIfe can never be the same. Morgans smile was contagious. and his philosophy about materialism was right on. love to you carrie

Carrie...I agree with Dee. I am sorry that you felt ignored. I am fairly new on this site. I drift in and out on a daily basis and do not always respond when I should. Like many here I have good and bad days. I suffered a slight stroke a few years back and frequently have trouble remembering things, etc. Trying to keep every person that I read about and their family situation takes some effort for me. Forgive me if I screw up you guys. That goes for everyone here. Like double posts, etc. Some days along with the PTSD combined with the other it is a complete write off.

I hope you will find some peace in your life soon. It is going to take time to find your way again. Meds are not always bad if they help. In fact...anything that can help your struggle is worth a try. Wishing you a decent day.

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Carrie...I am glad that u now feel welcomed..as Dee said,sometimes there is just a lot happening and I am so sorry you felt overlooked. But you are here again now, and though so very sorry that you have a reason to be here, we r glad u came back again. I am so sorry for the loss of your son, Morgan, and all of the pain you are going through. Please come and tell us about your precious son. We love to hear about and talk about all of our angels.

Susannah: so glad to hear that amanda is doing so well ...is she still at the hospital? That is one gutsy sweet little girl you have there....hmmm...can't imagine where she came by that. I know that you sometimes say that you are not brave...but, oh, I beg to differ on that! You r one of the bravest people I know. So very glad you survived the ammonia/bleach nightmare!

Just doing an update on Ralph ...he had the PET scan this morning and now is in the OR for the laparoscopy...the last person he saw before they started the lala-land drops was the nurse anesthetist...his name? MIKE, of course!

Will keep you posted. Thank you again all, for your prayers and support.

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Carrie, I am sorry that you have felt that you were not responded to in the past. Sometimes the site grows so quickly that we all get tangled up in the amount of folks that are new arrivals and want to tend to them before too long. I do remember your aching heart of course, and I hope that you can find some solace in the future. Aren't you trying to move back to y our former home or city? I am wishing you luck and hope.

Dee...hoping you are doing well. In reading over your posts from that past few days about Eri I felt your deep love for her. I know it is so hard to continue and do so with as much dignity and optimism as you have. You are a true inspiration to all of us that life does indeed carry on. Even in your busy day with the kids and the daily hustle and bustle you never fail to respond to a person in need. Good for you!

Well, I made the last tin of shortbread I intend to make for this season. Between giving so much away and my husband finding my hiding spots I am now handing the recipe to him! Yesterday he delivered a plate of my baking to the wrong place!!! Boy, were they ever pleased to get it! So, back in the kitchen again this morning.

Tree arrives today for thehospital. It is going to be really hard to see it lit up. Pulls at the old heart strings for sure. Still, if it brightens the day for somebody else. I am taking a green and a red silk ribbon into the site where Jeff is scattered. I will tie it around a tree and add a silk poinsettia flower to it for Xmas. As it is in the woods by his memorial bench I simply did not know what else to do.

Thinking of all my indigo friends today. Good health to you all.

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Lorri: Oh, my goodness, your Kourtney is just beaming with pride over her momma's deeds. Raising the funds to do all of this, and also bringing in all of the donations, etc., and being instrumental in getting them to those in need, has been such a gift to your community. You are a beautiful person.

IM TRYING CAROL JUST CHUGGIN ALONG

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Of all the people I've ever met, your the one I can't forget,

your love was like a pot of gold hard to get and hard to hold

I have this heart and it is true, but now it's gone from me to you,

didn't you know the lord above created you for me to love, he picked you out of all the rest, becuase he new I would love you best,

if I go to heaven and you not there, i'll paint your name on a golden chair,

and if your not there by judgement day,

I'll know you have gone the other way,

so ill give the angels back there wings golden harps and silver strings

and so you know my love is true,

I will go to hell to be with you.

Momma loves you Scott.. I will fallow you anywhere....

PS Your son ask's about his daddy Scott, and I tell him that you love him and wish you could be here. He looks just like you...

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Carrie: I so wish that I could utter the magic words to make you feel better. I can see in your words how much your son meant to you and how much pain you are in that he is gone… So the only thing I can offer you is a my love and understanding of your loss. My own experience with my sons loss hasn’t been pretty believe me. It’s been just 6 months ago for me.. My son Chad died from cancer but I still feel the guilt that I didn’t do enough for him and that I didn’t know soon enough to be able to get him treatment and I know in my head there was nothing I could have done to have changed it but it doesn’t take those feelings away. When it gets really bad I sometimes come here just to read what others are saying and it usually gives me back a bit of peace. The parents here are good therapy for my poor torn heart because they understand completely…Then I always try to think about my son and how much joy he brought our family and it usually gives me the ability to make it through another day.

I try really hard not to leave anyone out when I post but sometimes there is just so much to say to another aching heart that I don’t always have the words in me to say what needs to be said.. Please know that I am thinking of you and your son Morgan… ((hugs)) to you Carrie…

____________________________________________________________________________________

Thanks everyone for the advice on the really bad weed whacker haircut. I’m not sure if it’s really the hair or just an overall feeling of “everything is wrong” right now. The good thing is hair grows back so who cares right?

Peace and Love to all Indigo’s thinking of each and everyone of you today..

Polly--Chad's Mom………..

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Carrie...I am glad that u now feel welcomed..as Dee said,sometimes there is just a lot happening and I am so sorry you felt overlooked. But you are here again now, and though so very sorry that you have a reason to be here, we r glad u came back again. I am so sorry for the loss of your son, Morgan, and all of the pain you are going through. Please come and tell us about your precious son. We love to hear about and talk about all of our angels.

Susannah: so glad to hear that amanda is doing so well ...is she still at the hospital? That is one gutsy sweet little girl you have there....hmmm...can't imagine where she came by that. I know that you sometimes say that you are not brave...but, oh, I beg to differ on that! You r one of the bravest people I know. So very glad you survived the ammonia/bleach nightmare!

Just doing an update on Ralph ...he had the PET scan this morning and now is in the OR for the laparoscopy...the last person he saw before they started the lala-land drops was the nurse anesthetist...his name? MIKE, of course!

Will keep you posted. Thank you again all, for your prayers and support.

Just dropped by to check in a there's an update from "Mike". Gotta love that boy and the way he watches over you both......Prayers all is okay... B)

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Good afternoon all Indigos, old and new. It's been quite a long time since I've posted...been

reading regularly for the last month or so. To those new to this site, my heartfelt sorrow that

you are here, because if you are, it means you've lost one so very dear to you. But, as others

have said, this is a comforting place to be. My name is Shelly and I lost my 29 year old daughter,

Sarah, on August 18, 2010 from leukemia.

Carrie - my sincere sympathies on the loss of your Morgan. This is the hardest thing that we as

parents could ever go through, I believe. I pray that each day will offer you some measure of peace.

To all other new members of this site, my prayer is the same for you as well. I hope to get to know

you better soon.

Carol - prayers for Ralph's speedy recovery. I remember reading that when you first learned of his

"diagnosis", you read everything you could about it. I remember doing the same when Sarah was

diagnosed with leukemia...I read all the different outcomes of the disease, but I couldn't help myself.

Susannah - prayers for Amanda...it sounds like she's been through so much. Like someone said,

she is one tough cookie!

The reason I decided to post today, selfishly, is to ask if anyone has scattered their loved one's ashes.

I feel like this is a "morbid" subject, but I do remember one of the ladies who has been here a long

while talking about scattering her child's ashes on the east and west coasts. I also just read something

from you, Polly, about your Chad's ashes near or around a tree.

I ask because we will be leaving for St. Lucia this Sunday where Sarah and Andy were to be married.

Because she was undergoing treatment, that was not possible so they got married in the hospital.

Well, Andy wants to go to St. Lucia to scatter some of her ashes there. If anyone is willing or able to

tell their story about that, I would appreciate it. Strange request, I know.

My prayers to each and every Indigo and may you find some peace in your day.

Shelly

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Susannah----Glad that Amanda is doing ok after her pacemaker implant. Continuing to send prayers for her.

Carol----It must be very difficult for you to have & enforce tough rules for Davis, but as you say......it is so

stressful for Ralph and his health, and that it is something that definitely has to be done. I pray that Davis

can stay clean and keep heading in the direction of getting his life back. Prayers for Ralph.

Lorrie----I forgot to say, in my last post, what a good thing that Kourtney's Kloset is doing for all the

kids that have been helped. Yep-----she must be sending lots of angel smiles down.

Kathy------How nice that you found that the $5. bill was not stolen, but was at home all the time. I can

imagine your smiles and relief when you discovered the bill right there, safe & sound. Also, I think it

was the right thing to do by not telling Tavian about the theft of the money, since he already has had

fears of breakins. No need to worry his little heart.

Trudi------I feel so sorry for you that you are forced to have Harmony only from afar. The gifts that you

are putting in the memory box sound just lovely, and someday Harmony will treasure them. It's a sad

thing when a parent is so punitive that they keep the child from the grandparents who just love them

so much. She will always be Mike's little girl, and your granddaughter.......no one can change that. So,

I'm praying that somehow, you will be able to see little Harmony. Peace & comfort to you.

Dee-----Gosh,......8.5 years for us. I had been stalled at the 8 yr. mark, but time does go by. I guess we all

have to come to that conclusion........that if people don't or won't understand our grief, then it is something

that is on their list of problems......not ours. Anyone losing a child has enough grief to last a lifetime, and

that is enough to deal with.

Davey&Liasasmom, Sherry

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Good afternoon all Indigos, old and new. It's been quite a long time since I've posted...been

reading regularly for the last month or so. To those new to this site, my heartfelt sorrow that

you are here, because if you are, it means you've lost one so very dear to you. But, as others

have said, this is a comforting place to be. My name is Shelly and I lost my 29 year old daughter,

Sarah, on August 18, 2010 from leukemia.

Carrie - my sincere sympathies on the loss of your Morgan. This is the hardest thing that we as

parents could ever go through, I believe. I pray that each day will offer you some measure of peace.

To all other new members of this site, my prayer is the same for you as well. I hope to get to know

you better soon.

Carol - prayers for Ralph's speedy recovery. I remember reading that when you first learned of his

"diagnosis", you read everything you could about it. I remember doing the same when Sarah was

diagnosed with leukemia...I read all the different outcomes of the disease, but I couldn't help myself.

Susannah - prayers for Amanda...it sounds like she's been through so much. Like someone said,

she is one tough cookie!

The reason I decided to post today, selfishly, is to ask if anyone has scattered their loved one's ashes.

I feel like this is a "morbid" subject, but I do remember one of the ladies who has been here a long

while talking about scattering her child's ashes on the east and west coasts. I also just read something

from you, Polly, about your Chad's ashes near or around a tree.

I ask because we will be leaving for St. Lucia this Sunday where Sarah and Andy were to be married.

Because she was undergoing treatment, that was not possible so they got married in the hospital.

Well, Andy wants to go to St. Lucia to scatter some of her ashes there. If anyone is willing or able to

tell their story about that, I would appreciate it. Strange request, I know.

My prayers to each and every Indigo and may you find some peace in your day.

Shelly

Shelly, I am so sorry about losing your beautiful daughter. My condolences to you and your family.

I lost my son on December 12th. 2009. We live in Canada, in a rural area, and it was Jeff's wish should anything happen to him that we spread his ashes in a particular area where he loved to walk his dog.. We had taken care of several family members that passed away and Jeff had remarked at one point should anything happen to him that he wanted his ashes scattered overlooking the lake at a particular site. It is a provincial park area and goes for miles. It is beautiful in a rugged Canadian way. There is a clearing down a path that opens up by the water on a cliff. We had a memorial bench placed there and we planted gardens around it.

We waited until July to hold his funeral, as we were still in too much pain to go through the ordeal. Also, it was his birthday in July. We held the memorial at a resort hotel overlooking the lake and not far from the trails. His best friend played for a band called Men In Kilts and he played the bagpipes for us. Several traditional songs. Ian being the clown he is decided at one point to lighten the mood and played the theme to Star Wars. Boy, did it ever lighten a tense moment and everyone broke out laughing. And a person who was talking about Jeff had a butterfly land on her hand that would not go away. As we stood outside listening to her speak the crazy thing kept coming back and landing on her hand. Again, we laughed.

We waited until the end of the season to actually scatter the ashes. We wanted to do it alone and in privacy. It was a perfect day. The trees were stunning. Every fall colour you could imagine.The sun shone brightly and it was still warm. The breeze off of the lake was refreshing. There was a flock of geese sitting on the water just bobbing along. And above there were seagulls and pelicans. I had been raised in the Catholic faith and so I took a small bottle of holy water to sprinkle over the area. We then said a few prayers and opened the urn. We spread the ashes over the gardens, along the side of the path and around the bench. I will tell you now. You are going to be very, very emotional when you do it. However, as I walked away, I felt a sense of peace that I had not felt in all those months since he had died. He was free at last.

Again, I am so sorry for your loss. I hope that you find peace when you go to St. Lucia. I will be thinking of you. Take care.

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Kate - Thank you so, so much for your response. The way you describe the manner in which you

honored your son with what he wished for brought tears to my eyes. It sounds like a beautiful area.

I'm sure your son was looking down and was very pleased.

We have a younger daughter, Jillian, who was very very close to Sarah. She found out the day before

Sarah's birthday this year that she is pregnant with her first child. Well, she would like to take Sarah's

wedding dress, that she bought the day after she became engaged, along to St. Lucia to hang in a

palm tree to take a picture. All this is just weighing on my heart. The rest of the family (my husband,

Sarah's husband, Jill and her husband Matt) are looking forward to the trip, but I'm not so much. I must

try to find a way to enjoy the time there, I suppose, but I can't seem to get past the fact that she is the

one who should be there with her husband-to-be, not us.

Well, enough of my rambling! Thank you again Kate! I will post when we get back and let you know

how it went. Prayers and peace to you. Shelly

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Shelly not morbid or strange, not here anyway...Colleen was the one who spread the ashes of her Boy Brian on both costs I think, and others have too, and I bet that when asked, most will be happy to share their story of spreading ashes. It is a wonderful gesture for Sarah's husband to do this, difficult and yet healing all in one. May you all feel Sarah's presence and her appreciation and her constant love. Good to see you here today.

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Shelly, perhaps once you are there you will feel more relaxed, what we pictured being perfect for our Kids did not happen so we can't ever change that,, your going with the whole family is a gift in many ways and those ways may unfurl as you join together in the place Sarah looked forward to. She will be there with you, very near.

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Just a quick post to let you all know that the doctor has told us THERE ARE NO OTHER CANCERS ANYWHERE!!!! They don't have the results of the PET scan yet, but he said he seriously doubted there will be anything that he couldn't have seen with the naked eye and that scope he was using. So, thank you all so very very much for your prayers adn good wishes. We still do have some mountains to climb, but this one was a huge one, and with all of you by our side, we know we can do the rest. Thank you, thank you, thank you, God, for giving us this dayand also for giving us all of the wonderful people we have in our lives who love us!

We are both exhausted, but so glad taht everything went well.

Just a side note to Kate: When we were creating the memorial service for Mike, we decided to do a picture story of his life. We started with him as an infant, and went all the way up to before he died. His wife, Sarah, sensing that it would be so very emotional, decided to start the memorial with "MY LIFE" by the Beatles (one of Mike's favorites) then there was a religious song in the middle, "On Eagles Wings," and then just before the start of the last section of pictures to be show, she had them play Star Wars. So many of us were in tears by this time, and just as with your son's service, hearing this familiar sound that everyone who was there knew played along with the beat of Mike's heart every since he first heard it when he was two, lifted everyone's heart just a little bit, and slowly, tears were replaced with smiles...timid smiles, but smiles nonetheless. :)

Trudi: thanks for checking in from all the way over there on the other side of the world. We can exhale, now, for a while. We told the nurse anesthetist about why we were so pleased to have him there, and he was honored.

Shelly: We have scattered some of Mike's ashes, as well, per his request. Each family member and each of his children have an urn of their own, and we have scattered some in some of Mike's favorite places. His boys have been with us each time we have done this, and this makes them feel very connected to their dad. I

wish you well on your trip...yes, there will be tears, likely many, but your Jeff will be right there with all of you, his sweet spirit swirling about each of you, continuing his love from the other side of that thin veil that separates us from our angels, for now. (just a side note before you scatter all of them...Mike's dad, myself, and his two sisters have just a small amount of Mike's ashes contained in an urn, that they wear about their neck...mine is actually a cross.)

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Just a quick post to let you all know that the doctor has told us THERE ARE NO OTHER CANCERS ANYWHERE!!!! They don't have the results of the PET scan yet, but he said he seriously doubted there will be anything that he couldn't have seen with the naked eye and that scope he was using. So, thank you all so very very much for your prayers adn good wishes. We still do have some mountains to climb, but this one was a huge one, and with all of you by our side, we know we can do the rest. Thank you, thank you, thank you, God, for giving us this dayand also for giving us all of the wonderful people we have in our lives who love us!

We are both exhausted, but so glad taht everything went well.

Just a side note to Kate: When we were creating the memorial service for Mike, we decided to do a picture story of his life. We started with him as an infant, and went all the way up to before he died. His wife, Sarah, sensing that it would be so very emotional, decided to start the memorial with "MY LIFE" by the Beatles (one of Mike's favorites) then there was a religious song in the middle, "On Eagles Wings," and then just before the start of the last section of pictures to be show, she had them play Star Wars. So many of us were in tears by this time, and just as with your son's service, hearing this familiar sound that everyone who was there knew played along with the beat of Mike's heart every since he first heard it when he was two, lifted everyone's heart just a little bit, and slowly, tears were replaced with smiles...timid smiles, but smiles nonetheless. :)

Trudi: thanks for checking in from all the way over there on the other side of the world. We can exhale, now, for a while. We told the nurse anesthetist about why we were so pleased to have him there, and he was honored.

Shelly: We have scattered some of Mike's ashes, as well, per his request. Each family member and each of his children have an urn of their own, and we have scattered some in some of Mike's favorite places. His boys have been with us each time we have done this, and this makes them feel very connected to their dad. I

wish you well on your trip...yes, there will be tears, likely many, but your Jeff will be right there with all of you, his sweet spirit swirling about each of you, continuing his love from the other side of that thin veil that separates us from our angels, for now. (just a side note before you scatter all of them...Mike's dad, myself, and his two sisters have just a small amount of Mike's ashes contained in an urn, that they wear about their neck...mine is actually a cross.)

Carol and Ralpy...thumbs up all the way! Yes! This is the news we had hoped for. I swear to heaven they are up there jamming those two kids of ours. They could be twins... sans the hats. Jeff wore hats as well. Irish peak caps and ball caps, etc. So pleased for the good news.

And one last thing I wanted to say. Somethingwe said at the memorial service.

Love is a form of Grace

It gives us the stamina to endure what

normally would be unedurable.

Abundant Love can help improve even the worst circumstance.

Circumstances don't have to dictate our attitude.

We can believe in the best and find

positives-just like you always did Jeff

Each of us has the opportunity to choose

whether we hide in the shadows

or seek out the sunshine

You are our sunshine Jeff and we will always love you.

Go with the light. Love Mom and Dad

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HOOORAY CAROL and RALPH. Such good news! How nice that your Surgery Nurse was Mike as well. Keep us posted, the prayers are going to continue.

My Son scattered his Dad's ashes in several places of his Dad's choosing, though there are a few spots he just can't bring himself to do, one of which is Eri's gravesite. But he took a drive out west by himself a few years ago and went snowboarding to a place in Utah that he and Eri and his Daddy went one winter. He took his Dad there.

I love the Star Wars music for your Boy Kate and Carol. Certainly the movie they most loved. And those smiles and laughs let you know and let your Boys know that they are inside everyone's hearts, they will never be forgotten.

Well, Jonathan and two friends opened their skateboard store tonight, in time for the Holiday walk on the main shopping street in the next town. His old friend owned it and it was in a town a few towns south, I used to take him there when he was little to get new wheels or what have you. An older guy owned it then. In the last few years his friend Matt has owned it and wanted to move it and take on some partners. Jon is doing real estate but we all know how not busy that is right now, so he went into this with them. I worry about his tired eyes, when he is stressed that boy does not sleep, but later on this eve, he looked happy and relaxed as folks started coming in. My skateboarding students were excited to know that they would be open soon. WIsh them luck. It is called Modest.

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WooHoo for Ralph...and you and your angel Mike paving the way! Hugs!!

We haven't spread Stephanie's ashes, yet. I thought I was ready to spread them on her two year angelversary but her sisters couldn't be here and they asked me to wait. Now, I'm not sure I can do it at all.

I'm beat. Gotta go to bed. I'm loving my bathroom.

Oh...Carrie...I don't always respond verbally but I always read your posts and relate to what you say. I think of you often. I think of everyone and anyone that's ever even said hello here...I wonder how they are and/or where they went. When we didn't hear from you for a while I had hoped it was because everything was going smoothly. Please don't feel ignored or rejected when you don't always get a personal response from others. I know it can feel like abandonment, but I think on this site we just have to take on faith that everyone cares about each other. Picture us all sitting around the kitchen table visiting and drinking coffee....someone says something really deep, really painful, and everyone sits quietly nodding in agreement. No words are spoken. Someone might pass the kleenex to others who were brought to tears. Then, in the middle of a very quiet, solemn, deep moment someone...usually me...asks, "Why can't Pluto still be a planet?" This is one place that each of us have to just jump in, realizing we've each paid the highest price that could be asked of us to be here. You've earned your spot. Whether we respond or not, we're listening, kleanex in hand.

Okay, now I'm going to bed. Oh...Amanda called and said her resting heartrate is 60 (maybe I already told you). Pretty cool!

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I have read three pages of posts....too pooped to reply in a more personal manner. I'm still here....I still have a pulse. Hoping to have the presence of mind tomorrow so that I can respond to the things y'all have posted. Hugs and prayers for each of you tonight.

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HI All,

glad to hear Amanda is doing well Susannah. Great news.

I am so sleepy that I will have to go shut my eyes, two or so nights of being awake since 3 or so...night and sweet dreams.

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SO HAPPY FOR RALPH AND YOU CAROL.....I JUST LOVE GOOD NEWS AND THIS DEF IS THE BEST NEWS...

Carrie - I am so sorry that you felt ignored and not responded to....I will say that there are times when I have felt ignored because I posted and no one responded but that was just me feeling sorry for myself so after giving it much thought I realized that when someone "new" arrives here then we do our best to focus on that person, to make them feel at home and to know that they are being supported in every way....so I will apologize to you from the heart if I ever made you feel ignored as it was never intentional....I hope that you feel more comfortable here as we love everyone here although we hate the reason we are here.....Hugs to you

Oh Susannah...you are right on with the "twilight" (used to love watching that show) the sad part is the $ that was given to us by the nice family was part of the $$ in my wallet and I do not have the heart to tell her so I am not going to....it will all work out somehow....Having my 5 dollar bill back has def made my heart happy !! Also, there are some here who, well everyone here, who have some really big hearts and I am forever thankful for that....

Carol - I can only pray that my son stays on the right road but......... I will keep Davis in my prayers along with you and Ralph, I know how stressed it can make you, there are times I want it to all just go away but he is my son and so I will do what I have too to stay strong, tough-love and all....

Love to each and everyone here.....my friends, my family.....Kathy

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Good Morning Indigos! I just signed on before work and saw the terrific news about Ralph!

Thank God Carol there is no cancer! All the best to you and Ralph !

Thank you for your stories on the scattering of your loved ones ashes. It helps to hear that

others have done this and it doesn't seem so "morbid" anymore. Dee, you have a way with

your calming and gentle words...thank you. And Carol, we are not taking all of Sarah's ashes...

Andy had the funeral director separate some for the trip. He retains the remainder in a beautiful

marble urn at their home.

Must get ready for work, but wanted to quickly acknowledge you all before I left. Have a blessed

day everyone! Shelly

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Carol-So glad to hear that it is not as bad as it could have been. Sending hugs to you all and hoping that Davis living situation gets more stable.

Kathy-I never found the 50 that Westley had written Mom on, but I'm so glad you found that 5 dollar bill. I will look for it some more, you've given me hope that I stuck it somewhere that my poor old tired brain has forgotten.

Carrie-I know what you mean, sometimes I post and feel kind of like I got lost in the shuffle, because we are always sadly getting new members whose pain is sharper and newer than mine. I even kind of feel like a broken record sometimes, that I should be getting better and helping more than asking for help. It is up and down, a rollercoaster ride that never ends and that sucks the wind out of your lungs and the energy out of your body. I meant to respond to you when you first posted recently and was just so busy trying to get caught up reading the posts that I missed you. Hugs to you.

Susannah-I'm glad you got the bathroom finished and didn't tear the house completely down.. My husband has had to put back more than his fair share of stuff I've torn up. I have grand ideas, but he has to actually do the repairs, once I do the demolition.

Lorri-I'm sure Kourtney is proud of the work that you do helping others in her memory. Keep up the good work.

Sherry, Leah, Dee, Trudi, Susan, Betty, Betsy, everybody I hope you're having a good day and feel your angel close by..

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Kate

I really love your Grace poem. It is true, we can choose how to respond to this grief.

In the beginning of my frief journey, I could not find Grace, I could not find anything. Until I found this site where others have endured the loss of a child.

It took a long time for me to be able to choose not to be sad all the time. I am still sad, but not all the time.

Love it.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

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Susannah: You asked about what the treatment is now for the pancreatic cancer. Now that they have determined that the pancreatic cancer has not spread anywhere else, it will be treated with six weeks of chemo (one infusion every two weeks), then two weeks rest, then radiation and a lesser amount of chemo (much less-the first round will be 4,000 units at a time and this second time will only be 50 at a time) for five weeks, then 4 weeks rest and then the surgery. The surgery involves removal of the head of the pancreas (where the cancer is), the duodenum (which is about a 7-8 length between the stomach and the intestine), part of the stomach, and the gallbladder, along with some lymph nodes. Extensive, to say the least, but they say it has the possibility to give him another 3-5 years. Had they found additional cancer other than the pancreatic head yesterday, they would not have been able to do any surgery, and it would have been a cut and dried treatment of chemo for palliative care, and a prognosis of 3-6 months in most cases. So, that is why we were so happy to hear yesterday that they didn't find any cancer anywhere else. A truly rough road ahead, but one filled with hope.

I likely told you much more than you ever wanted to know, but I have it memorized and when I push the "talk" button in my brain, all the words fall out in rapid succession.

I am really glad that you like your bathroom. Having had a hand in its creation must also make you feel good, though I am sure that during the process you likely were asking yourself why you ever even started it!

I hope everyone has a good day today...those who work every day, I hope you have a really good weekend. At least a moment to make you smile all the way into your heart.

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Carol - How could you tell me much more than I want to know? I want to know everything! If you don't mind tellling it, I want to know it. Hugs to you both! Both of you have become so important to me that I feel like when I'm talking to one of you I am automatically talking to the other too. How is your health holding up with all of this going on? How is the anxiety level? How did Thanksgiving go with Davis? You may have said and I missed it. Or forgot it. Just this morning Gary and I talked about how forgetful we're becoming. We concluded that as long as we remember each other we are going to be okay. :)

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Kate

I really love your Grace poem. It is true, we can choose how to respond to this grief.

In the beginning of my frief journey, I could not find Grace, I could not find anything. Until I found this site where others have endured the loss of a child.

It took a long time for me to be able to choose not to be sad all the time. I am still sad, but not all the time.

Love it.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

Hi Colleen, thanks for the compliment. I know how you feel. I feel the same way too. The usual ups and downs.... and it seems to be all over the place these days. Had a busy day, but still went about it with a dull ache in my heart. My husband commented this afternoon how it still does not seem real to him. We are doing our best to keep our spirits up. Stopped by the hospital and the tree had been delivered for the courtyard. We bought extra lights and dropped them off. Hoping to see it lit up soon.

My husband is still sheepish about dropping the shortbread, Xmas cake, and other baking off to the wrong spot. They were so pleased to accept it that he did not have the heart to take it back. Oh well, we did have a good laugh over that one. Well, must run. Off to the Vet's to pick up the dog. In for insulin testing for the day. Busy all around.

Hope you had a nice day yourself!:)

Kate

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Carol------YAY ! ...........Such good news that Ralph's cancer has not spread anywhere else.

He's in my prayers every night.

Shelly-----I agree......maybe when you get there you will feel a bit better, and feel sweet

Sarah's presence as the picture is taken.

Kate-----Jeff's memorial service sounds just lovely with the bagpipes and all. Also,.....

the area where you spread his ashes must be a beautiful scene.....a beautiful Canadian

landscape, and a lovely tribute to honor your dear son.

Rhonda----I know what you mean......I, too, feel that after being on BI for 8 yrs., that I should not

mention being 'down' since there are so many new dear people whose loss may be very recent.

I guess that no matter where we are on the timeline after losing a child, we still have our rough times on

this lousy road. You are not feeling sorry for yourself.......you are just like the rest of us here....

trying, mightily, to go on without our beloved children and fighting the depression that is a part of

it. So hard, I know. Peace to you.

PEACE AND COMFORT TO ALL IN THE BI FAMILY.

Not much to say tonight........I'm rather just drained.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

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